She is in my wedding/I'm not in hers

[Autumnovember]

I was just at a good friends engagement party.

We got engaged 3 weeks apart and I have always thought of her as a good friend, close enough that I asked her to be part of my wedding.

I'm sure we've all heard this before. She is in my wedding, but I'm not in hers.

I know I should be upset but I am.

Above all, I'm disappointed.

I thought she felt the same way about our friendship.

Two of the girls who ARE in the bridal party are NOT as close with her as my best friend and I are (and I know this for a fact), which is probably what is contributing to my disappointment.

Going through college, I visited her multiple times and I have been there to help her out whenever she has needed.

I know I should just get over it...but I can't yet. I know I'm wrong for feeling this way and I know that it is obviously not up to me to decide what degree of importance people hold in her life.

 

[sillyberry]

I know it sucks, even if you know logically that it shouldn't hurt. Sometimes there are other factors that may be in play. Closeness with her FI, family relationships, stuff like that. I'm sure you spent a lot of time agonizing over who would be in your bridal party, and perhaps left out someone who would otherwise have asked you to be in her wedding. You just never know.

And for a humorous spin, now you don't have to wear a (probably) ugly dress, spend a bunch of money on bridal showers and bachelorette parties, and can focus entirely on your own upcoming wedding!

 

[Autumnovember]

I know it sucks, even if you know logically that it shouldn't hurt. Sometimes there are other factors that may be in play. Closeness with her FI, family relationships, stuff like that. I'm sure you spent a lot of time agonizing over who would be in your bridal party, and perhaps left out someone who would otherwise have asked you to be in her wedding. You just never know.

And for a humorous spin, now you don't have to wear a (probably) ugly dress, spend a bunch of money on bridal showers and bachelorette parties, and can focus entirely on your own upcoming wedding!

I definitely thought about the pro's and the fact that now I won't have to spend additional money on things, but I guess it wasn't about that for me. I would spend any amount because she is a good friend of mine so money didn't matter.

I know it sounds stupid but her families are not close with the two that she "chose" over me and my best friend. Her fiance is not close with their significant others either which is why it hurts all the more...


I know I'll get over it but I guess these are the initial feelings I feel right now.

 

[kelpie]

I sympathize. I had a coworker who became fast BFFs with me, when I got engaged she told her friend she thought she should be a bridesmaid and it got around to me and I made her a bridesmaid. We no longer work together but still hung out infrequently always due to my instigating. As wedding date approaches I realize all the effort to maintain our friendship has always been on my part. She keeps convos short before I can even bring up wedding stuff, doesn't return calls and finally RSVP'd NO to the wedding she was supposed to be in. Oh well. Do you think maybe you see a similar pattern where you do all the effort and that's what makes you feel close? I was in this situation once before but with no hard feelings, my cousin asked me to be in her wedding which she called off (one of 7 maids) so when I got engaged I asked her because I thought you were supposed to ask people back. She got engaged a second time a week or two after me and didn't ask me (only had 5 maids). I really was not offended after I had to go picking out one ugly uncomfortable $200 dress the first time (fortunately I hadn't paid for it yet). Sometimes you are close enough for things like that to be a non-issue. If you really do feel close to her it might be worth having a private conversation to assess how close she feels to you. There are all kinds of reasons people choose seemingly odd choices for the wedding party and it's possible she thought you would understand (but if that's the case I'd think she'd offer an explanation).

 

[Autumnovember]

I sympathize. I had a coworker who became fast BFFs with me, when I got engaged she told her friend she thought she should be a bridesmaid and it got around to me and I made her a bridesmaid. We no longer work together but still hung out infrequently always due to my instigating. As wedding date approaches I realize all the effort to maintain our friendship has always been on my part. She keeps convos short before I can even bring up wedding stuff, doesn't return calls and finally RSVP'd NO to the wedding she was supposed to be in. Oh well. Do you think maybe you see a similar pattern where you do all the effort and that's what makes you feel close? I was in this situation once before but with no hard feelings, my cousin asked me to be in her wedding which she called off (one of 7 maids) so when I got engaged I asked her because I thought you were supposed to ask people back. She got engaged a second time a week or two after me and didn't ask me (only had 5 maids). I really was not offended after I had to go picking out one ugly uncomfortable $200 dress the first time (fortunately I hadn't paid for it yet). Sometimes you are close enough for things like that to be a non-issue. If you really do feel close to her it might be worth having a private conversation to assess how close she feels to you. There are all kinds of reasons people choose seemingly odd choices for the wedding party and it's possible she thought you would understand (but if that's the case I'd think she'd offer an explanation).

Our friendship has been a two way street. Although I will say, I always visited her in school and she still has not come to see me in my North Jersey home. It never really bothered me that much as I know she is crazy busy with work and everything.

I would ask her for an explanation but I would feel really awful for potentially putting her into an awkward position/making her feel bad about the choices she made for her bridal party....thats really the last thing I want to happen.

I just feel stupid. I feel like my friendship isn't as important to her as it is to me. I also will feel weird when our mutual friends figure out she is in MY wedding but I'm not in hers....I don't know why but I'll feel silly.

Funny because me and her fiances best man are the ones who "hooked" them up.

 

[kelpie]

I had thought, could it be she is going with the tradition that BMs are unmarried ladies? No matter how you slice it, I totally understand why you're hurting now, so *hugs*.

 

[fieryred33143]

When is her wedding and when is your wedding?

 

[Autumnovember]

I had thought, could it be she is going with the tradition that BMs are unmarried ladies? No matter how you slice it, I totally understand why you're hurting now, so *hugs*.

I wish she was because I'd completely understand her reasoning if that was it but she is having married women in her bridal party.

I should add that she is a wedding planner.


Basically, we're a tight knit group of friends. There are 5 (one of which is the groom) boys who were very close growing up and all through HS and college. The girls (us) came along in HS and we just became a really good group of friends and have remained that way. There is one couple who is also part of the group but not as close to us. So while two of the boys from the tight knit group ARE going to be in the wedding TWO of them are not, and instead the guy from the "outside" couple is going to be in it. We're all confused about this. We all know who is close with who so their choices for their bridal party are strange and make no sense. I talked to one of the guys in our group today who is NOT in the party and he also doesn't understand why...being a guy, I know he is going to just let it go but he did express the same confusion I am feeling. I hope this makes sense.

I got engaged 3 weeks before her...wedding is October 8th and hers July 23rd. There are other people in her wedding who are currently engaged.

Lastly, I have a wedding planner (that she referred to me since she was unable to help me plan mine due to her busy schedule) so stress is not a factor for me.

 

[sillyberry]

I hate to say this, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you don't know how the couple actually feels about the individual people, you think you know. Sometimes in a tight-knit group people are closer with some than others, but are uncomfortable expressing that. When it comes time to pick who you want to be standing with you on your wedding day, people can make choices that seem unexpected.

There are two people in my life who will probably be surprised to find out they aren't going to be bridesmaids, but I don't feel like we are as close as they think we are, so I'm making that difficult choice.

 

[JulieN]

Maybe she just thinks you're prettier than her.

 

[Autumnovember]

I hate to say this, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you don't know how the couple actually feels about the individual people, you think you know. Sometimes in a tight-knit group people are closer with some than others, but are uncomfortable expressing that. When it comes time to pick who you want to be standing with you on your wedding day, people can make choices that seem unexpected.

There are two people in my life who will probably be surprised to find out they aren't going to be bridesmaids, but I don't feel like we are as close as they think we are, so I'm making that difficult choice.

I understand. In my original post I did mention that its not really my place to say how important each individual person is to them...

 

[Clairitek]

I hate to say this, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you don't know how the couple actually feels about the individual people, you think you know. Sometimes in a tight-knit group people are closer with some than others, but are uncomfortable expressing that. When it comes time to pick who you want to be standing with you on your wedding day, people can make choices that seem unexpected.

There are two people in my life who will probably be surprised to find out they aren't going to be bridesmaids, but I don't feel like we are as close as they think we are, so I'm making that difficult choice.

I couldn't agree more with what sillyberry said here. I was really really upset when a girlfriend from college left me out of her wedding. She was my little sister and one of my closest friends in my sorority, my roommate my senior year of college, AND I knew her fiance well. I graduated 2 years before her and moved away but we always kept in touch. Her fiance even asked for my input on her engagement ring before he proposed. They had a long engagement so I figured they were waiting until it was closer to the wedding to choose a bridal party. Then I finally accepted that she wasn't going to ask me and got over it (and I dodged one pretty horrible bridesmaid dress). Her bachelorette party came around and I figured out who was in the BP and I was STUNNED that she had asked people that had known her a much shorter time than I had known her. STUNNED. Then it dawned on me that group politics played a MAJOR role on her selection (she was a pharmacy major and all of her BMs outside of her childhood best friend and her sister were also in pharmacy, and marrying/dating other pharmacy majors who were in her husband's side of the BP... I just didn't fit in) and that these girls spent a ton of time with her the last two years of her college career when I wasn't around. You know whats funny now? She is not friends with anyone in her BP anymore except for the best friend and her sister. They had a huge falling out and she got booted from the group. She and I are still friends, not as close as we once were, but in contact and catch up none the less. I know I veered off the subject a little but I just wanted to emphasize that sometimes you just don't know how close people are and what their feelings are about them.

Sorry you feel slighted by this but it'll get easier. I do really count my blessings that I saved a bunch of money on her shower and bachelorette party as well as time off for her wedding and money saved on the dress and shoes and hair and make up and all the stuff that comes along with being in someone's wedding. I got to have a leisurely day on her wedding day and I enjoyed it quite a bit. Just think of it that way and do your best to not let the slight affect your relationship with her.

 

[junebug17]

Autumn, I just want to give you a big (((hug)))...I think it's understandable to be hurt and disappointed over this, and it's upsetting to find out that a friend doesn't seem to value the friendship as much as you do. Maybe there is some behind the scenes drama you're not aware of...but regardless, it's still hurtful. I hope you start to feel better about it soon, only because it really sucks to feel hurt and I don't want you feeling that way!

 

[Autumnovember]

I hate to say this, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but you don't know how the couple actually feels about the individual people, you think you know. Sometimes in a tight-knit group people are closer with some than others, but are uncomfortable expressing that. When it comes time to pick who you want to be standing with you on your wedding day, people can make choices that seem unexpected.

There are two people in my life who will probably be surprised to find out they aren't going to be bridesmaids, but I don't feel like we are as close as they think we are, so I'm making that difficult choice.

I couldn't agree more with what sillyberry said here. I was really really upset when a girlfriend from college left me out of her wedding. She was my little sister and one of my closest friends in my sorority, my roommate my senior year of college, AND I knew her fiance well. I graduated 2 years before her and moved away but we always kept in touch. Her fiance even asked for my input on her engagement ring before he proposed. They had a long engagement so I figured they were waiting until it was closer to the wedding to choose a bridal party. Then I finally accepted that she wasn't going to ask me and got over it (and I dodged one pretty horrible bridesmaid dress). Her bachelorette party came around and I figured out who was in the BP and I was STUNNED that she had asked people that had known her a much shorter time than I had known her. STUNNED. Then it dawned on me that group politics played a MAJOR role on her selection (she was a pharmacy major and all of her BMs outside of her childhood best friend and her sister were also in pharmacy, and marrying/dating other pharmacy majors who were in her husband's side of the BP... I just didn't fit in) and that these girls spent a ton of time with her the last two years of her college career when I wasn't around. You know whats funny now? She is not friends with anyone in her BP anymore except for the best friend and her sister. They had a huge falling out and she got booted from the group. She and I are still friends, not as close as we once were, but in contact and catch up none the less. I know I veered off the subject a little but I just wanted to emphasize that sometimes you just don't know how close people are and what their feelings are about them.

Sorry you feel slighted by this but it'll get easier. I do really count my blessings that I saved a bunch of money on her shower and bachelorette party as well as time off for her wedding and money saved on the dress and shoes and hair and make up and all the stuff that comes along with being in someone's wedding. I got to have a leisurely day on her wedding day and I enjoyed it quite a bit. Just think of it that way and do your best to not let the slight affect your relationship with her.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, I really appreciate it. I just keep telling myself exactly what you said regarding having a nice leisurely day when it comes time for her wedding and also not spending money (I know I need it for my OWN wedding anyways).

 

[Autumnovember]

Autumn, I just want to give you a big (((hug)))...I think it's understandable to be hurt and disappointed over this, and it's upsetting to find out that a friend doesn't seem to value the friendship as much as you do. Maybe there is some behind the scenes drama you're not aware of...but regardless, it's still hurtful. I hope you start to feel better about it soon, only because it really sucks to feel hurt and I don't want you feeling that way!

I feel relieved that you guys are understanding why I'm hurt...I think I would have felt even worse if nobody understood. Her and I exchanged a few texts today and I think its clear to her that I am sad. It is what it is and I'm just gonna have to get over it

 

[lucyandroger]

Autumn,

I completely understand how you're feeling. I went through/am going through a similar situation. I have a close friend of about 5 years that I went through the LIW process with and we had been planning our weddings together. I was planning to ask her to be one of my two bridesmaids but luckily hadn't asked yet. As I was driving her to a bridal salon appointment for her to try on dresses (just the 2 of us), she told me that she had already asked her bridesmaids and that she didn't ask me because I was going to be too busy planning my own wedding to help her. I was stunned and hurt. So I've been there...I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[sillyberry]

I feel relieved that you guys are understanding why I'm hurt...I think I would have felt even worse if nobody understood. Her and I exchanged a few texts today and I think its clear to her that I am sad. It is what it is and I'm just gonna have to get over it

Rereading what I wrote, I think I came across as unsympathetic, and I certainly didn't mean to. My feelings would be hurt, too, and I don't think there anything wrong with that. Weddings seem fraught with peril, don't they?

 

[Autumnovember]

I feel relieved that you guys are understanding why I'm hurt...I think I would have felt even worse if nobody understood. Her and I exchanged a few texts today and I think its clear to her that I am sad. It is what it is and I'm just gonna have to get over it

Rereading what I wrote, I think I came across as unsympathetic, and I certainly didn't mean to. My feelings would be hurt, too, and I don't think there anything wrong with that. Weddings seem fraught with peril, don't they?

Oooohh noo Sillyberry! I did not think you were being unsympathetic AT ALL. What you said is just reality, plain and simple and I need to accept it. No worries

 

[rosetta]

weddings bring out the weird in people. people will leave you out for a variety of strange reasons:

1. her FI doesn't like you

2. you're too pretty

3. you're too thin

4. you're too short/tall/fair/dark to look good in photos

5. her crazy great-aunt insists her 44-year old daughter be in the party

6. her acquaintance has assumed she would be in the party and she couldn't say no

7. she has 5 sisters who all have to be in the party

8. she's secretly envious of your good fortune/situation and wants you out of the picture

9. she's punishing you for some perceived slight in the past

The list goes on and on....



i get that you're hurt, i would be too. but rise above it. plus it gives you more time to concentrate on your own wedding. bonus!

ps. i don't have a bridal party at all. much less drama.

 

[amc80]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be frustrating and hurtful. I'm one of those people who believes people should be able to plan their weddings as they see fit. She obviously has her reasons for not including you in the bridal party. You may not understand those reasons, but, to her, they are valid reasons. When one of my best friends got married a few years ago, she told me I wouldn't be in her wedding party. I was surprised, but not hurt....because it's her wedding. Her reason? Her now husband didn't have a ton of friends, so there would only be a few groomsman. It came down to me and this other girl, and that girl was better friends with the groom. In the end she ended up deciding it was more important to have me in the wedding party than to have an equal number of groomsman/bridesmaids.

I've been in two weddings and those are the weddings I've enjoyed the least. Aside from the expense, being in the wedding party is exhausting. I'd much rather go as a guest.

You mentioned that through texts you made it clear that you are hurt. I totally understand that you are hurt, and why you are hurt. But, don't make her feel bad. She has her reasons for doing what she did.

 

[kelpie]

Rosetta, I know this is off topic, but I just want to say you have the most awesome insight into wedding drama.

 

[Autumnovember]

weddings bring out the weird in people. people will leave you out for a variety of strange reasons:

1. her FI doesn't like you

2. you're too pretty

3. you're too thin

4. you're too short/tall/fair/dark to look good in photos

5. her crazy great-aunt insists her 44-year old daughter be in the party

6. her acquaintance has assumed she would be in the party and she couldn't say no

7. she has 5 sisters who all have to be in the party

8. she's secretly envious of your good fortune/situation and wants you out of the picture

9. she's punishing you for some perceived slight in the past

The list goes on and on....



i get that you're hurt, i would be too. but rise above it. plus it gives you more time to concentrate on your own wedding. bonus!

ps. i don't have a bridal party at all. much less drama.

I wasn't gonna have one either...much better that way. Too bad SO really wants his 6 brothers to be part of it.

 

[CharmyPoo]

I can understand why you are upset. On the same token, if you guys are as close as you think - you shouldn't have a problem talking about how you feel about it. Granted - may cause some hard feelings but you are not going to just forget about it and be ok with it. On thing I have learned, sometimes even the best of friends have jealousy issues which pushes one side apart especially if one of the girls seem to have it all (looks, career, smarts, loving family, friends etc).

 

[Echidna]

Autumn, I just wanted to chime in to say that I sympathise. My sister's wedding is on Friday and I am not a member of her bridal party even though she is a member of mine. I was also really hurt and upset to start with (I had heard about my exclusion very early on from a mutual friend) but I figured that she has her reasons. I don't have to agree with them but I have to respect them. It just takes a little while for our emotions to catch up!

The best I can offer is this: on Friday I get to enjoy the ceremony with my FI. We get to prepare together, enjoy it together, leave together, spend time with my brother and his GF who are out from the US, etc. That is a pretty priceless opportunity and I'm going to grab it with both hands!

 

[Autumnovember]

I can understand why you are upset. On the same token, if you guys are as close as you think - you shouldn't have a problem talking about how you feel about it. Granted - may cause some hard feelings but you are not going to just forget about it and be ok with it. On thing I have learned, sometimes even the best of friends have jealousy issues which pushes one side apart especially if one of the girls seem to have it all (looks, career, smarts, loving family, friends etc).

I really hope jealousy is not a factor here That would be awful considering I have had to cut out more than one friend due to their jealous tendencies.

Today I'm feeling a lot better about it.

I asked her if she was positive she still wanted to be part of my wedding and she instantly called me. I was in class and couldn't answer and she texted "of course I still want to be in your wedding"....I just replied, "ok" and she responded by saying "I love you Rita, I can't wait for your wedding"


Either way I feel much better today. I don't want to bring it up although we are close because I don't want this to be something that pushes us apart..

 

[Autumnovember]

Autumn, I just wanted to chime in to say that I sympathise. My sister's wedding is on Friday and I am not a member of her bridal party even though she is a member of mine. I was also really hurt and upset to start with (I had heard about my exclusion very early on from a mutual friend) but I figured that she has her reasons. I don't have to agree with them but I have to respect them. It just takes a little while for our emotions to catch up!

The best I can offer is this: on Friday I get to enjoy the ceremony with my FI. We get to prepare together, enjoy it together, leave together, spend time with my brother and his GF who are out from the US, etc. That is a pretty priceless opportunity and I'm going to grab it with both hands!

FI told me the same thing today He's glad we get to be at their wedding TOGETHER instead of me being busy with the BP stuff that day.

Besides that, maybe this really is for the better.

I'll be in an intense 15 month BSN program and who knows how much time I'll have to devote to things outside of school.




Thank you everyone for your kind words and sympathy, I appreciate it beyond words.

 

[rosetta]

Rosetta, I know this is off topic, but I just want to say you have the most awesome insight into wedding drama.

Thanks kelpie. I'm learning the hard way.

Wisest words I was told about wedding planning: it turns normal life into a soap opera and you are the main character. You can choose to be the uberb*tch or the doormat, but either way, this sh*t is going down. Get ready to duck.

My friend has a way with words!

 

[Amys Bling]

AN- just wanted to say that this happened to me. I pit a really good friend in mime- I wasn't in hers. She said to me right off the bat that she was doing cousins only (she is an only child), and I was sooo fine about it- I totally get it!! Then the week of her wedding I found out that she picked three friends to do readings... And not me! I just felt like those were the three girls ahe wouldn't have put in her bridal party if she wasn't trying to be diplomatic with the whole "cousins only" thing.... Def sucks!! Oh and my FI (now hubby ) was a groomsmen cuz we grew up with the groom and they ate best friends- oh and we fixed them up on a blind date years ago..

 

[blacksand]

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better now, AN. She definitely sounds like she cares about you, if she called you immediately and told you she loved you, so whatever her reasons for not including you in her wedding party, she still considers you an important part of her life, and that's what matters, right?

I am having only my oldest friends in my wedding party, and I am afraid some of my newer friends are a little hurt. I have two new friends in particular whom I hang out with all the time these days, where some of the old friends I am including live far away and I don't get to see them often. But I couldn't help but think--realistically--that I just don't know whether I will still be close with the people I hang out with now in ten or twenty years. I hope I will, but I don't know. I know I had a lot of friends when I was young that I always thought would be my best friends forever, and I don't even know where they are nowadays. So the only girls I asked to be in my wedding were the ones who have been in my life for ten or twenty years (excepting FI's sister, but she's obviously been in his life forever). Even if we don't talk every day, these are people who have been in my life for a long time, and I know they will be in my life for a long time to come. So I chose them. I know two of my newer (but very close) friends are a little upset about this, and I feel terrible. I go over and over this in my head, and sometimes I want to change my mind, but I keep telling myself I have my reasons, I've made my choice and that's it. I hope my friends won't have any hard feelings. I know you and your friend have been close for a long time, so my situation doesn't exactly apply to you, and I don't know what her reasons are, but please understand she does have her reasons, she may be feeling very guilty right now like I am, and she obviously still cares about you. Try not to let this get to you too much, enjoy having her there for you on your day, and be there for her on her day in whatever way she wants you to.

 

[swingirl]

I think I would ask her about it. This sort of think can damage a friendship permanently so you have nothing to loose. She might have a good reason or not, but either way you'll know what her thinking was and she'll know how it's affected your friendship.