Seeking advice on fertility & more kids

[Cherokee1979]

Hi all. This is my first post in Hangout, though I have read many, many threads. I will try to keep this concise, as I write for a living and can be long winded.

Here goes. I just turned 36, and am presently divorced (long story) with a loving and wonderful girlfriend. She is 39 1/2. We both have 3-year-old toddler boys, with rather similar names oddly. We are both somewhat on the fence as to the matter of more children, but I think both of us are leaning toward having one more if possible. However, as our relationship is rather new, we will not commence "trying" for a good while. I have read many credible articles online concerning conceiving over 40 and the associated risks. Both she and I have expressed considerable concerns as to the increased risks - especially as concerns congenital/chromosomal defects. However, I think that had both of our first marriages worked out, we would have had 2 kids each, and both wanted one daughter if possible. I am very much on the fence here. The nice thing with not having anymore kids is that she and I both have our boys 50/50, which thereby means that we are able to see each other half of the time without any kids around (which is amazing to keep the romance there, and would be sad to lose). If we had our own child, that would certainly go away, and there is also, of course, the possibility of an eventual break-up of the two of us as well, which would be just catastrophic.

I would greatly appreciate any of your advice/insights/experience on this topic, as it is weighing heavily upon my mind. Thanks so much!

 

[telephone89]

Why do you want to have another child? TBH your post doesn't ring out like you've always wanted a daughter and so has she, and it would complete your life or anything. It sounds like you think it's just something 'to do'. Which isn't a very good reason IMO.

That being said, I know a few people who've gotten pregnant and had children into their 40s. There are concerns, yes, but as long as she is relatively healthy with good medical care it's not as risky as it used to be.

 

[momhappy]

It's interesting that you say that with no kids, you have the ability to keep the romance alive. I tend to think that all relationships (with or without kids) ebb and flow over the years in terms of romance, so just because you might not have kids together, that's not to say that your romantic life will always stay the same. The romance in most relationships changes over time (not necessarily in a bad way) and again, that occurs with or without kids. I have quite a few child-free friends (married couples) and their romantic life has changed over the years just as my married friends with children. I think that your romantic expectations might be set a bit too high, IMO, but maybe I'm wrong...
As far as the decision to have another child, that's entirely up to the two of you. Yes, more complications can occur after 40, so it's definitely something to be aware of, but not necessarily a magic number by which you need to make a life-altering decision by. Also, what if you decide to have a child and it's a boy? Would it be disappointing?
It sounds like you have a lot to think about. Best of luck with your choices

 

[monarch64]

It sounds like you already love what you have but you're feeling the pressure of eventually losing the CHOICE to have more children. When that fear starts coming into play in your decisions I think you have to be very careful about why you're making them.

I know several women who have had perfectly healthy children after 40; in fact, one of those women lives up the street from me and we see her and her beautiful kids all the time. I have 3 other friends who had their children right around 30 and all of them have at least 1 child with special needs. Maternal age is not the only factor.

You are aware that romance goes away over time in every relationship, right? Kids or no kids, she's going to get tired of your stinky socks lying around eventually.

 

[AGBF]

Hi all. This is my first post in Hangout, though I have read many, many threads. I will try to keep this concise, as I write for a living and can be long winded.

Here goes. I just turned 36, and am presently divorced (long story) with a loving and wonderful girlfriend. She is 39 1/2. We both have 3-year-old toddler boys, with rather similar names oddly. We are both somewhat on the fence as to the matter of more children, but I think both of us are leaning toward having one more if possible. However, as our relationship is rather new, we will not commence "trying" for a good while. I have read many credible articles online concerning conceiving over 40 and the associated risks. Both she and I have expressed considerable concerns as to the increased risks - especially as concerns congenital/chromosomal defects. However, I think that had both of our first marriages worked out, we would have had 2 kids each, and both wanted one daughter if possible. I am very much on the fence here. The nice thing with not having anymore kids is that she and I both have our boys 50/50, which thereby means that we are able to see each other half of the time without any kids around (which is amazing to keep the romance there, and would be sad to lose). If we had our own child, that would certainly go away, and there is also, of course, the possibility of an eventual break-up of the two of us as well, which would be just catastrophic.

I would greatly appreciate any of your advice/insights/experience on this topic, as it is weighing heavily upon my mind. Thanks so much!

Hi, Cherokee1979-

You said that this is your first post in Hangout. Are you aware of the Family, Home and Health Forum? I do not know if you have ever read or posted there. It has many threads on fertility; attempts to conceive; new babies; young children in various stages of development; even decisions over whether to adopt (as I did).

You are certainly welcome to discuss this issue here, but you may get responses from women who are in more similar situations if you post in Family, Home and Health. I wish you the best of luck.

Link...[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/forums/family-home-health.18/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/forums/family-home-health.18/[/URL]

Deb/AGBF

 

[tyty333]

I had a child at 42. Love, love, love her! However, I wish I could have had all my kids about 5 years earlier. I'll be 61 when she
graduates from HS. I think you should just wait and see how things go with your GF . Time will tell if you guys decide to get
married and whether you choose to have a child. Unfortunately you are running out of time. I personally wouldnt go past my
early 40s.

 

[Cherokee1979]

It sounds like you already love what you have but you're feeling the pressure of eventually losing the CHOICE to have more children.

This post essentially encapsulated my fear. And thank you all for your kind responses. First, let me say that I have ALWAYS, sincerely and thoroughly, wanted two children. I have never, ever, ever wanted to have only one, and I am myself one of two boys, which influences my preferring more than one. So having another child would by no means be as trivial to me as "hey, this is something to do. Let's give it a go." Hence, I would be more than happy to have another boy. To be honest, aside from the toddler years, I prefer boys. So if someone held a gun to my head and said "choose right now, to have another kid or not" I would choose yes. However, the complication is the timeline. Our relationship is rather new, and I am not a big fan of hasty decisions (my current child was what I had thought to be a surprise - he wasn't a surprise to my ex, but he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I would take a bullet in the face for him with a smile). The timeline is putting me under stress in that, though I am not personally having my fertility decline (at least nowhere near as substantially), I can essentially hear a "biological clock" ticking in my mind. However, she does have her own son half the time, as do I, but she and I have no children together, which would almost be a bit sad to me - as we both use the term that we would "ideally" like another. And god only knows that life never goes as planned. But I just am unsure if I am ok with only seeing my own precious boy only half of his life, as well as her precious boy half of his. Said arrangement surely was not the plan in my mind. So that influences the confusion some as well. Thanks again for all your comments!

 

[Cherokee1979]

I had a child at 42. Love, love, love her! However, I wish I could have had all my kids about 5 years earlier. I'll be 61 when she
graduates from HS. I think you should just wait and see how things go with your GF . Time will tell if you guys decide to get
married and whether you choose to have a child. Unfortunately you are running out of time. I personally wouldnt go past my
early 40s.

Thanks tyty. Your post is most welcome. I am sure you love her greatly!! And yeah, it is the "running out of time" that is killing me. I feel under pressure from it, especially since our relationship is new. In fact, when I was dating others prior to her (always younger women than her), I had always said that I "definitely" want to have more kids. So I think that staying true to myself would be to stick to the definitely, but this current arrangement complicates the possibility of "definitely" significantly. Which is where the stress is coming from.

 

[monarch64]

It sounds like you already love what you have but you're feeling the pressure of eventually losing the CHOICE to have more children.

This post essentially encapsulated my fear. And thank you all for your kind responses. First, let me say that I have ALWAYS, sincerely and thoroughly, wanted two children. I have never, ever, ever wanted to have only one, and I am myself one of two boys, which influences my preferring more than one. So having another child would by no means be as trivial to me as "hey, this is something to do. Let's give it a go." Hence, I would be more than happy to have another boy. To be honest, aside from the toddler years, I prefer boys. So if someone held a gun to my head and said "choose right now, to have another kid or not" I would choose yes. However, the complication is the timeline. Our relationship is rather new, and I am not a big fan of hasty decisions (my current child was what I had thought to be a surprise - he wasn't a surprise to my ex, but he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I would take a bullet in the face for him with a smile). The timeline is putting me under stress in that, though I am not personally having my fertility decline (at least nowhere near as substantially), I can essentially hear a "biological clock" ticking in my mind. However, she does have her own son half the time, as do I, but she and I have no children together, which would almost be a bit sad to me - as we both use the term that we would "ideally" like another. And god only knows that life never goes as planned. But I just am unsure if I am ok with only seeing my own precious boy only half of his life, as well as her precious boy half of his. Said arrangement surely was not the plan in my mind. So that influences the confusion some as well. Thanks again for all your comments!

I appreciate your candor in saying you prefer boys. I wasn't aware I had a preference until our gender ultrasound and the tech said "it's a girl!" I started crying and my partner looked at me with disbelief. I felt terrible about it but all I could think of were those awful pre-teen years and how mean girls can be. HOWEVER. Our girl was an easy baby, easy toddler and is the sweetest, funniest, brightest 3.5 year old I could have imagined. If we have another I have no preference this time, but I have to say after watching some friends with their little boys I'm kind of afraid of boys now!

 

[Cherokee1979]

It sounds like you already love what you have but you're feeling the pressure of eventually losing the CHOICE to have more children.

This post essentially encapsulated my fear. And thank you all for your kind responses. First, let me say that I have ALWAYS, sincerely and thoroughly, wanted two children. I have never, ever, ever wanted to have only one, and I am myself one of two boys, which influences my preferring more than one. So having another child would by no means be as trivial to me as "hey, this is something to do. Let's give it a go." Hence, I would be more than happy to have another boy. To be honest, aside from the toddler years, I prefer boys. So if someone held a gun to my head and said "choose right now, to have another kid or not" I would choose yes. However, the complication is the timeline. Our relationship is rather new, and I am not a big fan of hasty decisions (my current child was what I had thought to be a surprise - he wasn't a surprise to my ex, but he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I would take a bullet in the face for him with a smile). The timeline is putting me under stress in that, though I am not personally having my fertility decline (at least nowhere near as substantially), I can essentially hear a "biological clock" ticking in my mind. However, she does have her own son half the time, as do I, but she and I have no children together, which would almost be a bit sad to me - as we both use the term that we would "ideally" like another. And god only knows that life never goes as planned. But I just am unsure if I am ok with only seeing my own precious boy only half of his life, as well as her precious boy half of his. Said arrangement surely was not the plan in my mind. So that influences the confusion some as well. Thanks again for all your comments!

I appreciate your candor in saying you prefer boys. I wasn't aware I had a preference until our gender ultrasound and the tech said "it's a girl!" I started crying and my partner looked at me with disbelief. I felt terrible about it but all I could think of were those awful pre-teen years and how mean girls can be. HOWEVER. Our girl was an easy baby, easy toddler and is the sweetest, funniest, brightest 3.5 year old I could have imagined. If we have another I have no preference this time, but I have to say after watching some friends with their little boys I'm kind of afraid of boys now!

Boys are SOO much fun in the toddler years. Almost too much fun, I think is the problem. Little girls are ok at this age I think of sedate play at a table or in one area. Boys oftentimes are incapable of same. Especially my son, haha. He is a joy though, and I think I will know very well how to deal with him when he becomes a teen. I was a royal handful, so I can take it. Teen girls terrify me. Terrify.

 

[Cherokee1979]

I accidentally put the sick icon above. Haha. I actually prefer talking with girls and women, and girls' general (stereotypical) style of comparatively more sedate play, but I personally just do not think I would have the aptitude to deal with a teen girl as well as a teen boy. Especially when it came to anything dating. I am non-violent. But that would cause me to strike a fool with a shotgun. haha.

 

[monarch64]

"Sedate" is not a word I would use to describe my daughter's style of play. I wish it was!!!

 

[telephone89]

It sounds like you already love what you have but you're feeling the pressure of eventually losing the CHOICE to have more children.

This post essentially encapsulated my fear. And thank you all for your kind responses. First, let me say that I have ALWAYS, sincerely and thoroughly, wanted two children. I have never, ever, ever wanted to have only one, and I am myself one of two boys, which influences my preferring more than one. So having another child would by no means be as trivial to me as "hey, this is something to do. Let's give it a go." Hence, I would be more than happy to have another boy. To be honest, aside from the toddler years, I prefer boys. So if someone held a gun to my head and said "choose right now, to have another kid or not" I would choose yes. However, the complication is the timeline. Our relationship is rather new, and I am not a big fan of hasty decisions (my current child was what I had thought to be a surprise - he wasn't a surprise to my ex, but he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I would take a bullet in the face for him with a smile). The timeline is putting me under stress in that, though I am not personally having my fertility decline (at least nowhere near as substantially), I can essentially hear a "biological clock" ticking in my mind. However, she does have her own son half the time, as do I, but she and I have no children together, which would almost be a bit sad to me - as we both use the term that we would "ideally" like another. And god only knows that life never goes as planned. But I just am unsure if I am ok with only seeing my own precious boy only half of his life, as well as her precious boy half of his. Said arrangement surely was not the plan in my mind. So that influences the confusion some as well. Thanks again for all your comments!

You have two children. I'm not sure how new your relationship is, but if you want to have a future together, you should probably start thinking about as 'our' family, rather than mine/hers.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I have no advice as to the "when" question since that is such a personal decision. But I do have advice for keeping the "romance" alive even with an infant/small child. I'm a firm believer that romance stays in a relationship when you carve out time together every day and focus on meeting each other's needs. I just celebrated 16 years with my husband (married for eight) and we have 2 small kids. What gives us time together is 1.) early bedtimes, which means we get at least couple of hours together in the evenings and 2.) a standing date night 1 - 2 nights a week. DH and I both work full time, so want to spend as much time with our kids as possible, but aim for 15 hours of "us" every week where we're unplugged, not watching TV and just enjoying each other's company. At least one of those nights is out of the house. Sounds almost un-doable at first, but it makes a HUGE difference in feeling the romance.

 

[Cherokee1979]

It sounds like you already love what you have but you're feeling the pressure of eventually losing the CHOICE to have more children.

This post essentially encapsulated my fear. And thank you all for your kind responses. First, let me say that I have ALWAYS, sincerely and thoroughly, wanted two children. I have never, ever, ever wanted to have only one, and I am myself one of two boys, which influences my preferring more than one. So having another child would by no means be as trivial to me as "hey, this is something to do. Let's give it a go." Hence, I would be more than happy to have another boy. To be honest, aside from the toddler years, I prefer boys. So if someone held a gun to my head and said "choose right now, to have another kid or not" I would choose yes. However, the complication is the timeline. Our relationship is rather new, and I am not a big fan of hasty decisions (my current child was what I had thought to be a surprise - he wasn't a surprise to my ex, but he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I would take a bullet in the face for him with a smile). The timeline is putting me under stress in that, though I am not personally having my fertility decline (at least nowhere near as substantially), I can essentially hear a "biological clock" ticking in my mind. However, she does have her own son half the time, as do I, but she and I have no children together, which would almost be a bit sad to me - as we both use the term that we would "ideally" like another. And god only knows that life never goes as planned. But I just am unsure if I am ok with only seeing my own precious boy only half of his life, as well as her precious boy half of his. Said arrangement surely was not the plan in my mind. So that influences the confusion some as well. Thanks again for all your comments!

You have two children. I'm not sure how new your relationship is, but if you want to have a future together, you should probably start thinking about as 'our' family, rather than mine/hers.

I agree with your sentiment. However, when I say new, I mean quite new. So new as to have it be unhealthy to deem our two families the same.

 

[telephone89]

It sounds like you already love what you have but you're feeling the pressure of eventually losing the CHOICE to have more children.

This post essentially encapsulated my fear. And thank you all for your kind responses. First, let me say that I have ALWAYS, sincerely and thoroughly, wanted two children. I have never, ever, ever wanted to have only one, and I am myself one of two boys, which influences my preferring more than one. So having another child would by no means be as trivial to me as "hey, this is something to do. Let's give it a go." Hence, I would be more than happy to have another boy. To be honest, aside from the toddler years, I prefer boys. So if someone held a gun to my head and said "choose right now, to have another kid or not" I would choose yes. However, the complication is the timeline. Our relationship is rather new, and I am not a big fan of hasty decisions (my current child was what I had thought to be a surprise - he wasn't a surprise to my ex, but he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I would take a bullet in the face for him with a smile). The timeline is putting me under stress in that, though I am not personally having my fertility decline (at least nowhere near as substantially), I can essentially hear a "biological clock" ticking in my mind. However, she does have her own son half the time, as do I, but she and I have no children together, which would almost be a bit sad to me - as we both use the term that we would "ideally" like another. And god only knows that life never goes as planned. But I just am unsure if I am ok with only seeing my own precious boy only half of his life, as well as her precious boy half of his. Said arrangement surely was not the plan in my mind. So that influences the confusion some as well. Thanks again for all your comments!

You have two children. I'm not sure how new your relationship is, but if you want to have a future together, you should probably start thinking about as 'our' family, rather than mine/hers.

I agree with your sentiment. However, when I say new, I mean quite new. So new as to have it be unhealthy to deem our two families the same.

So then if YOU want a second child because that will make YOU happy, then do so. It doesn't have to have anything to do with another person. If your relationship is in fact THAT new, then I don't even see why you'd consider having a child with someone who it seems you barely know. That is not smart parenting. However, that doesn't mean you can't have a child on your own. Surrogate, adoption, IVF, there are many options.

 

[Cherokee1979]

It sounds like you already love what you have but you're feeling the pressure of eventually losing the CHOICE to have more children.

This post essentially encapsulated my fear. And thank you all for your kind responses. First, let me say that I have ALWAYS, sincerely and thoroughly, wanted two children. I have never, ever, ever wanted to have only one, and I am myself one of two boys, which influences my preferring more than one. So having another child would by no means be as trivial to me as "hey, this is something to do. Let's give it a go." Hence, I would be more than happy to have another boy. To be honest, aside from the toddler years, I prefer boys. So if someone held a gun to my head and said "choose right now, to have another kid or not" I would choose yes. However, the complication is the timeline. Our relationship is rather new, and I am not a big fan of hasty decisions (my current child was what I had thought to be a surprise - he wasn't a surprise to my ex, but he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I would take a bullet in the face for him with a smile). The timeline is putting me under stress in that, though I am not personally having my fertility decline (at least nowhere near as substantially), I can essentially hear a "biological clock" ticking in my mind. However, she does have her own son half the time, as do I, but she and I have no children together, which would almost be a bit sad to me - as we both use the term that we would "ideally" like another. And god only knows that life never goes as planned. But I just am unsure if I am ok with only seeing my own precious boy only half of his life, as well as her precious boy half of his. Said arrangement surely was not the plan in my mind. So that influences the confusion some as well. Thanks again for all your comments!

You have two children. I'm not sure how new your relationship is, but if you want to have a future together, you should probably start thinking about as 'our' family, rather than mine/hers.

I agree with your sentiment. However, when I say new, I mean quite new. So new as to have it be unhealthy to deem our two families the same.

So then if YOU want a second child because that will make YOU happy, then do so. It doesn't have to have anything to do with another person. If your relationship is in fact THAT new, then I don't even see why you'd consider having a child with someone who it seems you barely know. That is not smart parenting. However, that doesn't mean you can't have a child on your own. Surrogate, adoption, IVF, there are many options.

Lord. "That is not smart parenting" Really? That seems a bit much. I am a good parent, thank you, and your opinion to the contrary is misinformed. I am planning for the future. That IS smart parenting. I have been CONSIDERING getting a dog for several years, and planning all of the pros and cons and the right thing to do. I would be CONSIDERING the potential of having children with any romantic partner, no matter if it was even one date. Even if online, people make a very clear indication oftentimes of precisely what their intentions are concerning children. I think that to not be open and honest about these things up front, and "consider" all of the possibilities, and whether they match/whether kids are even a possibility, is a healthy and mature thing to do. I am also a male, so IVF and surrogacy clearly are not an option.

 

[telephone89]

Lord. "That is not smart parenting" Really? That seems a bit much. I am a good parent, thank you, and your opinion to the contrary is misinformed. I am planning for the future. That IS smart parenting. I have been CONSIDERING getting a dog for several years, and planning all of the pros and cons and the right thing to do. I would be CONSIDERING the potential of having children with any romantic partner, no matter if it was even one date. Even if online, people make a very clear indication oftentimes of precisely what their intentions are concerning children. I think that to not be open and honest about these things up front, and "consider" all of the possibilities, and whether they match/whether kids are even a possibility, is a healthy and mature thing to do. I am also a male, so IVF and surrogacy clearly are not an option.

If your relationship is so new that you don't even consider yourselves a family, then no, I don't think it's smart parenting to be debating having a child with this person. You say you want 2 children. When/if you stay together long enough to consider yourselves a family, you will have 2 children.

I 100% agree about being open and honest about it. However, and this may be a personal irk, you want a family with her - but you don't seem to want her child. You want your own special one together. This is a similar mentality to when people adopt but want 'real' children of their own. Um, your adopted child is REALLY your child. Just because he doesn't have your DNA does not mean you cannot be a father to him. As I said in my first post, she does still have time to conceive. If she is interested in getting pregnant in a few years, she should talk to a OBGYN and discuss her options. Women are having children later and later, and it is getting safer.

I was giving all options for having a child, being that it wasn't clear if you were male or female. Surrogacy actually IS a possibility if you are a male, you just wouldn't carry the baby LOL.

 

[Cherokee1979]

Lord. "That is not smart parenting" Really? That seems a bit much. I am a good parent, thank you, and your opinion to the contrary is misinformed. I am planning for the future. That IS smart parenting. I have been CONSIDERING getting a dog for several years, and planning all of the pros and cons and the right thing to do. I would be CONSIDERING the potential of having children with any romantic partner, no matter if it was even one date. Even if online, people make a very clear indication oftentimes of precisely what their intentions are concerning children. I think that to not be open and honest about these things up front, and "consider" all of the possibilities, and whether they match/whether kids are even a possibility, is a healthy and mature thing to do. I am also a male, so IVF and surrogacy clearly are not an option.

If your relationship is so new that you don't even consider yourselves a family, then no, I don't think it's smart parenting to be debating having a child with this person. You say you want 2 children. When/if you stay together long enough to consider yourselves a family, you will have 2 children.

I 100% agree about being open and honest about it. However, and this may be a personal irk, you want a family with her - but you don't seem to want her child. You want your own special one together. This is a similar mentality to when people adopt but want 'real' children of their own. Um, your adopted child is REALLY your child. Just because he doesn't have your DNA does not mean you cannot be a father to him. As I said in my first post, she does still have time to conceive. If she is interested in getting pregnant in a few years, she should talk to a OBGYN and discuss her options. Women are having children later and later, and it is getting safer.

I was giving all options for having a child, being that it wasn't clear if you were male or female. Surrogacy actually IS a possibility if you are a male, you just wouldn't carry the baby LOL.

Her child is a wonderful boy, and I would love to incorporate him into my life. However, as mentioned, she has 50% custody of him. He ALREADY has a father. For me to self-importantly feel that I am now a father to his child is selfish and inappropriate. In fact, his biological father has specifically mentioned same. It is not my right. Likewise, if a male in the life of my son's mother thought he could "be a father" to MY son, that mentality would be wholly inappropriate. So that is MY irk, and yours does not apply to my circumstances. If you have personal issues about some people not feeling that an adopted child is really their child, then that is your issue. And I had asked for "advice" in creating this thread - not judgment from you. PS used to be a nice place I thought

 

[telephone89]

Lord. "That is not smart parenting" Really? That seems a bit much. I am a good parent, thank you, and your opinion to the contrary is misinformed. I am planning for the future. That IS smart parenting. I have been CONSIDERING getting a dog for several years, and planning all of the pros and cons and the right thing to do. I would be CONSIDERING the potential of having children with any romantic partner, no matter if it was even one date. Even if online, people make a very clear indication oftentimes of precisely what their intentions are concerning children. I think that to not be open and honest about these things up front, and "consider" all of the possibilities, and whether they match/whether kids are even a possibility, is a healthy and mature thing to do. I am also a male, so IVF and surrogacy clearly are not an option.

If your relationship is so new that you don't even consider yourselves a family, then no, I don't think it's smart parenting to be debating having a child with this person. You say you want 2 children. When/if you stay together long enough to consider yourselves a family, you will have 2 children.

I 100% agree about being open and honest about it. However, and this may be a personal irk, you want a family with her - but you don't seem to want her child. You want your own special one together. This is a similar mentality to when people adopt but want 'real' children of their own. Um, your adopted child is REALLY your child. Just because he doesn't have your DNA does not mean you cannot be a father to him. As I said in my first post, she does still have time to conceive. If she is interested in getting pregnant in a few years, she should talk to a OBGYN and discuss her options. Women are having children later and later, and it is getting safer.

I was giving all options for having a child, being that it wasn't clear if you were male or female. Surrogacy actually IS a possibility if you are a male, you just wouldn't carry the baby LOL.

Her child is a wonderful boy, and I would love to incorporate him into my life. However, as mentioned, she has 50% custody of him. He ALREADY has a father. For me to self-importantly feel that I am now a father to his child is selfish and inappropriate. In fact, his biological father has specifically mentioned same. It is not my right. Likewise, if a male in the life of my son's mother thought he could "be a father" to MY son, that mentality would be wholly inappropriate. So that is MY irk, and yours does not apply to my circumstances. If you have personal issues about some people not feeling that an adopted child is really their child, then that is your issue. And I had asked for "advice" in creating this thread - not judgment from you. PS used to be a nice place I thought

Do you not consider step-parents to be parents? Because that's what youd be. A step dad is still a dad in my eyes. And I think it's selfish of you to say that no-one else can be a father for your son. If his mother got remarried, would you resent her? Would you resent the child if he considered this new guy a father? Just some things to consider.

Also, it's the internet. You can't tell people what to post. You asked for advice, I gave you advice. Lots actually. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean it wasn't advice. I was just giving a perspective from an angle I don't think you thought of. I have no judgment for you. I have no horse in this race. It literally makes 0 difference to me if you father 900 more children or 0. If you feel judged, maybe you should take a look inside and consider why you feel that way.

In conclusion: Don't let a random person on the internet stop you from doing what you want to do.

 

[Cherokee1979]

Lord. "That is not smart parenting" Really? That seems a bit much. I am a good parent, thank you, and your opinion to the contrary is misinformed. I am planning for the future. That IS smart parenting. I have been CONSIDERING getting a dog for several years, and planning all of the pros and cons and the right thing to do. I would be CONSIDERING the potential of having children with any romantic partner, no matter if it was even one date. Even if online, people make a very clear indication oftentimes of precisely what their intentions are concerning children. I think that to not be open and honest about these things up front, and "consider" all of the possibilities, and whether they match/whether kids are even a possibility, is a healthy and mature thing to do. I am also a male, so IVF and surrogacy clearly are not an option.

If your relationship is so new that you don't even consider yourselves a family, then no, I don't think it's smart parenting to be debating having a child with this person. You say you want 2 children. When/if you stay together long enough to consider yourselves a family, you will have 2 children.

I 100% agree about being open and honest about it. However, and this may be a personal irk, you want a family with her - but you don't seem to want her child. You want your own special one together. This is a similar mentality to when people adopt but want 'real' children of their own. Um, your adopted child is REALLY your child. Just because he doesn't have your DNA does not mean you cannot be a father to him. As I said in my first post, she does still have time to conceive. If she is interested in getting pregnant in a few years, she should talk to a OBGYN and discuss her options. Women are having children later and later, and it is getting safer.

I was giving all options for having a child, being that it wasn't clear if you were male or female. Surrogacy actually IS a possibility if you are a male, you just wouldn't carry the baby LOL.

Her child is a wonderful boy, and I would love to incorporate him into my life. However, as mentioned, she has 50% custody of him. He ALREADY has a father. For me to self-importantly feel that I am now a father to his child is selfish and inappropriate. In fact, his biological father has specifically mentioned same. It is not my right. Likewise, if a male in the life of my son's mother thought he could "be a father" to MY son, that mentality would be wholly inappropriate. So that is MY irk, and yours does not apply to my circumstances. If you have personal issues about some people not feeling that an adopted child is really their child, then that is your issue. And I had asked for "advice" in creating this thread - not judgment from you. PS used to be a nice place I thought

Do you not consider step-parents to be parents? Because that's what youd be. A step dad is still a dad in my eyes. And I think it's selfish of you to say that no-one else can be a father for your son. If his mother got remarried, would you resent her? Would you resent the child if he considered this new guy a father? Just some things to consider.

Also, it's the internet. You can't tell people what to post. You asked for advice, I gave you advice. Lots actually. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean it wasn't advice. I was just giving a perspective from an angle I don't think you thought of. I have no judgment for you. I have no horse in this race. It literally makes 0 difference to me if you father 900 more children or 0. If you feel judged, maybe you should take a look inside and consider why you feel that way.

In conclusion: Don't let a random person on the internet stop you from doing what you want to do.

Maybe I should take a look inside. Yeah, I am on that. And yes, one on the internet cannot tell someone to post, obviously. I believe there are several campaigns going on right now on that issue. I respectfully disagree that another male can be a father. He can play a fatherly-role, and act as such, but to call him my child's father?! Simply no. Let's say I received the heavy amount of primary custody, or my child decided when much older to primarily live with me. He saw another male residing with my ex approximately one evening a week. Maybe an occasional weekend. Is he my child's father? Does he have two fathers? If I were homosexual and she remarried, would he then have three fathers? All can play a father role certainly. Legally, there is only one father.

 

[mom2dolls]

Cherokee,
I think "legally" is the last thing that enters a child's mind. Children only care that the people in their life love them and care for them wholeheartedly. I think it is possible to have multiple parents in a child's life.
In our situation, I am divorced from my children's father. I have remarried and we all three parent together. My daughters have three parents that raise them together. My ex and my husband communicate between them selves about pick up and delivery afterschool as I work the farthest from the schools.
This has taken many years to achieve. We struggled in the beginning through our own issues, but thankfully we are in the place we are now. My daughters LOVE it! My husband is just as much a dad as their father is. I have primary custody, he sees them every other weekend but pick them up daily afterschool. It can work as a benefit to your child. I am not judging at all, just sharing.

In regards to your original question regarding possibly having a child with your partner. Have you thought about freezing her eggs in the event you decide down the road to have a child? Or possibly having the discussion about timeframe if you both decide to have a child together. There is no time frame set in stone about how quickly or slowly you must do things. If you know six months or a year from now that she is the one and you both decide to have a baby, go for it!
However, yes you will be sacrificing the alone time that you enjoy. Please don't yell at me for saying sacrifice, because it is one as I am sure you know. Starting over at an older age is tough. I think talking with her about both of your expectations should the relationship flourish will greatly help you.
My $0.02

 

[momhappy]

Lord. "That is not smart parenting" Really? That seems a bit much. I am a good parent, thank you, and your opinion to the contrary is misinformed. I am planning for the future. That IS smart parenting. I have been CONSIDERING getting a dog for several years, and planning all of the pros and cons and the right thing to do. I would be CONSIDERING the potential of having children with any romantic partner, no matter if it was even one date. Even if online, people make a very clear indication oftentimes of precisely what their intentions are concerning children. I think that to not be open and honest about these things up front, and "consider" all of the possibilities, and whether they match/whether kids are even a possibility, is a healthy and mature thing to do. I am also a male, so IVF and surrogacy clearly are not an option.

If your relationship is so new that you don't even consider yourselves a family, then no, I don't think it's smart parenting to be debating having a child with this person. You say you want 2 children. When/if you stay together long enough to consider yourselves a family, you will have 2 children.

I 100% agree about being open and honest about it. However, and this may be a personal irk, you want a family with her - but you don't seem to want her child. You want your own special one together. This is a similar mentality to when people adopt but want 'real' children of their own. Um, your adopted child is REALLY your child. Just because he doesn't have your DNA does not mean you cannot be a father to him. As I said in my first post, she does still have time to conceive. If she is interested in getting pregnant in a few years, she should talk to a OBGYN and discuss her options. Women are having children later and later, and it is getting safer.

I was giving all options for having a child, being that it wasn't clear if you were male or female. Surrogacy actually IS a possibility if you are a male, you just wouldn't carry the baby LOL.

Her child is a wonderful boy, and I would love to incorporate him into my life. However, as mentioned, she has 50% custody of him. He ALREADY has a father. For me to self-importantly feel that I am now a father to his child is selfish and inappropriate. In fact, his biological father has specifically mentioned same. It is not my right. Likewise, if a male in the life of my son's mother thought he could "be a father" to MY son, that mentality would be wholly inappropriate. So that is MY irk, and yours does not apply to my circumstances. If you have personal issues about some people not feeling that an adopted child is really their child, then that is your issue. And I had asked for "advice" in creating this thread - not judgment from you. PS used to be a nice place I thought

I agree with you on this one, cherokee. I think that it's critical for successful family relationships that everyone knows their boundaries - and you seem to know yours. I completely agree that while you can incorporate step-children into your life, you can't presume to be an automatic parent when that role already exists. I suppose in some families a step-dad might be considered a "dad", but to me, there is a distinguishable difference. I would never, ever call a step-parent mom or dad. Never. Which is not to say that they don't "parent" - they certainly can, but it should be more of a supporting role. There is not a one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to step-parenting because every family is very different, but it's important to know your situation and apparently you do
I also think that you even though your relationship is fairly new, you are wise to think ahead, especially when there are already children involved.

 

[telephone89]

*shrug* I don't base my family on the written law. I also don't think it's a terrible thing for a child to call a step parent mom/dad. My cousins have gone through this, and the kids know who their biological father is and what the difference is. But, IMO, it takes a lot more than giving birth/sperm to be considered a mom or dad.

 

[telephone89]

I agree with you on this one, cherokee. I think that it's critical for successful family relationships that everyone knows their boundaries - and you seem to know yours. I completely agree that while you can incorporate step-children into your life, you can't presume to be an automatic parent when that role already exists. I suppose in some families a step-dad might be considered a "dad", but to me, there is a distinguishable difference. I would never, ever call a step-parent mom or dad. Never. Which is not to say that they don't "parent" - they certainly can, but it should be more of a supporting role. There is not a one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to step-parenting because every family is very different, but it's important to know your situation and apparently you do
I also think that you even though your relationship is fairly new, you are wise to think ahead, especially when there are already children involved.

Ah, children. Plural. As in 2 kids. Which the OP would have with his new gal and her kid.

 

[momhappy]

^No one said calling a step-parent was a terrible thing. If that works in some families, great. If not, that's great too. Cherokee seems to understand his own potential family dynamics and that's really all that should matter in this thread - not what might work for others. This isn't a debate about parental roles. I think OP was simply asking for advice on when/if to have a child...

 

[telephone89]

^No one said calling a step-parent was a terrible thing. If that works in some families, great. If not, that's great too. Cherokee seems to understand his own potential family dynamics and that's really all that should matter in this thread - not what might work for others. This isn't a debate about parental roles. I think OP was simply asking for advice on when/if to have a child...

No, you're right. Just seems like a silly sticking point IMO.

 

[kenny]

I'd say, for the sake of the child, don't rush.

You can always adopt.

 

[kenny]

First, let me say that I have ALWAYS, sincerely and thoroughly, wanted two children. I have never, ever, ever wanted to have only one, and I am myself one of two boys, which influences my preferring more than one.

No justification, reasoning, or explanation is needed.
You want two just 'because' you want two ... Period!

I had 3 siblings and want no children.
So much for such reasoning.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I'd say, for the sake of the child, don't rush.

You can always adopt.

Hi daddy ..