RSVPs bumming me out

[newbie124]

Has anyone else been getting a lot more "declines" than they were expecting?

We knew to expect that some people would not be able to attend our wedding b/c it''s out in CA and also on a Friday. However, we''re now finding that some people we thought for sure would be coming are now on the fence or have declined. We invited just over 80 people, hoping for around 65-70. Now we''re down to 48 who will without a doubt be coming (our catering min is 50, which we originally felt sure we''d be well above).

The odd thing is that only one couple we were expecting declined because of finances related to the current economy. The rest are mostly due to random scheduling conflicts.

And there''s there''s FI''s supposedly close friend who just sent his RSVP back declined with no note or anything. FI had even thought his friend had told him a week before that they planned on coming. I had to actually IM him and ask about the change in plans. He denied having talked to FI and said that it''s allegedly b/c their 1-yr-old son is too young to travel with and too young to leave with someone else for the weekend. When I asked if he had considered maybe trying to come by himself he just said he''d feel bad bailing on his family (what about bailing on his friend??). OK, so I don''t have a child, but it seemed a little surprising to hear that a 1-yr-old is too young to travel with or to leave with a grandparent for a couple days. My friend who has a lot of young cousins was even surprised to hear that and said 1-year isn''t really too young to travel with or have someone take care of.

Regardless of the son, I would have thought that his friend might at least consider coming himself. This was a guy who FI almost asked to be a groomsman. He helped hire FI when FI found his first job in Chicago, then they worked on the same team together for a couple years. He, FI, and a third friend (the other guy who they worked with) are even partners on a start-up venture, and we attended his wedding 2 years ago. So I was disappointed to hear that he wouldn''t even consider flying out by himself for a couple days to attend ours, and I was even more upset that he didn''t even bother to tell FI this or at the very least write a note of apology on the RSVP. I haven''t told FI that I talked to his friend b/c I want the friend to have to tell FI himself. I mean, if he''s going to give an excuse, at least he could make it seem like it''s a little more out of his control.

FI ultimately decided to just have 2 GMs--his brother and the other friend, who FI sees more often--so I don''t know if maybe this guy is kind of upset about that. But then again, I don''t think guys really care/think about these things as much.

So I guess this has sort of turned more into a rant about FI''s friends, but ultimately, I''m just sad that significantly fewer people are coming (ratio-wise) than we expected. I know that I should really just try to concentrate on the people who are making it out there for us. I''m not discounting how appreciative I am for them, but at the same time, it''s hard to get excited about wrapping up the last minute details (we''re only 1.5 months away) when I see all the marked-off names on our guest list

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent and weep a little. I know if anyone the girls on PS will help point my thoughts in the right, positive direction...and hopefully I can see past all the "no''s" and just look forward to putting on a great party for those who are able to come, right?

 

[elrohwen]

Oh my, this is one of my biggest fears and I''m so sorry you have to deal with it.

Especially when everyone knew about it long in advance and had plenty of time to avoid scheduling conflicts.

(((hugs)))

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I''m really sorry you''re dealing with this right now. I haven''t actually thought about what would happen if not enough people came, because we feel like we already have too many people coming (we were hoping for 40 and we''re at 57 including ourselves!). Still, it''s not a nice place to be and especially with the issues you''ve mentioned.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

It's so funny you started this thread cause YES this is happening to us now. We are getting married in the town where we both currently reside, but our families are coming from 4+ hrs away. We have been receiving an abnormal amount of declines and I am pretty certain it's due to the economy and high costs of visiting our city (large metropolitain city and travel fees like gas). We are kind of relieved cause we wanted a small wedding but I can't help but be bummed too! Oh wells - guess there will be more booze for our small guest list!

 

[PearlDahhhling]

So sorry this is happening! I''m getting ready to send my invites out next month and I''m totally worried about people not coming, but then I remember that the less people come, the more money we''ll save!

Haha. I really do want everyone to come, but it''s getting to be soooo much money per person when you calculate in food, drinks, favors, etc. that it might be okay if our guest list shortens a little.

 

[bootsiekin]

Hi newbie!

This happened to me too..we invited around 100 and only had about 65 attend..and a lot of those who declined were people we were positive would be attending (as in step family who only lived an hour away from the location). Turned out there was a family feud going on and no one wanted to be in the same room as each other. Then the last straw being a friend calling during the rehearsal dinner to say she wasn''t coming after all. Anyway, I remember feeling just as you are, and mentioning it to my DJ. He said, "Who cares if there''s only 65 people? Its their loss - we are going to have the best party that 65 people can have!" He was totally right..even though the church seemed a little empty - almost everyone was dancing for the entire reception and I never gave it a second thought for the rest of the night.

 

[lliang_chi]

bootsie summed it up pretty well, your wedding is going to be amazing even if less ppl show up than anticipated. And this way all the people who really want to be there are coming so you know everyone there is just super excited about your marriage. You wedding is going to kick a$$

 

[Deelight]

I am sorry your having to deal with this

 

[DMBFiredancer]

i am so sorry you are dealing with this....how early did you send out your invites?
mine is in july in CA and i''ll be inviting the same amount as you - we many people who are from the east coast or other places that need to fly in so i''ve been a little nervous, too. do you have a "b" list of some people from work or other friends you can invite?

we have a dollar minimum, so i understand your concerns about your catering minimum. i''m sure you don''t want to pay for heads that arent there (we don''t either!)

hopefully it will all work out in the end....sorry.

ps - your kitty is too cute! look at that face and you''ll forget about any rsvp numbers!

 

[Gypsy]

We had the same experience. Scheduling, economy, pregnancy, fear of flying.

We invited over 90 and had 68 final count. We were expecting in the high seventies/ low eighties.

It was upsetting because many of the declines were people who had told us they wouldn''t miss our wedding for the world.

And we really didn''t have a B-list with so many people long distance.

((HUGS))

Everyone is feeling the economy''s crunch, can you talk to your vendor about getting more for your money for the # you are under?

BTW, as an FYI: we had people cancel and un-cancel up until the day before. 7 days before our wedding I gave a 70-something final head count to the caterer (required), then people canceled and others said, "we''re coming." We had to wait till the Friday before our Sunday wedding to print out the escort cards things were so uncertain.

 

[mrscushion]

I am sorry you are dealing with this, newbie124. I think your wedding will be absolutely fabulous, regardless of the exact # on the guest list.

 

[ice-queen]

I''m sorry newbie124, this sucks...but honesestly, on your wedding day you''re not going to be concerned with who isn''t there...you are just going to have an amazing time with your new hubby and will be happy to be able to share it with the people who did come.

On another note, even though only one couple actually came out and said they couldn''t come due to finances in this economy, it''s very possible that others on your guest list are in the same boat, but didn''t want to say it. Many people would rather make up an excuse as to why they can''t come, rather than having to say they can''t afford it. So, my point is, with this economy it''s very likely that many people on your list would have really loved to share your day, but genuinely can''t due to money issues.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Did you take into account yourselves? The two of you plus the 48 guests hits the 50 mark, and that's not including the officiant or photographer (need to take those people into account too).

No offense, but you're off base about his friend with the 1-year-old. I'd be PISSED if my (now-ex) husband spent our money to fly out for a friends wedding, leaving me and the baby behind. Family comes first, THEN friends. He's probably using the baby's age as a way of saving face about the expense, unless his wife is still breastfeeding. I apologize if that sounds harsh, but once you're married with children you'll understand that.

Times are tough right now, and I don't know where you and the majority of your guests live (how great a distance from the wedding?), but in this economy when so many people are losing their jobs, I'm impressed that you got 48 yes responses to a destination wedding where people have to take time off from work and fly out.

 

[newbie124]

Thanks for the supportive words, ladies.

You guys are right...come wedding day it''ll just be about enjoying our day and celebrating with all the friends and family who were able to make it. And I guess we can at least feel a little better about saving some money as well.

bootsie, that was really cool of your DJ to say that. And it''s encouraging to hear that, even with a smaller group, you had people dancing and partying through the night. That was another of my concerns--wanting enough people there to make it a fun party!

DMB We sent out Save the Dates back in August (so about 8 months out) but had also emailed our closest group of friends as soon as we set the date about a year out (my doctor friends usually have to request vacation time waaay in advance, which is why we did that...yet still, one of them apparently "forgot" or didn''t think to request the time even though he knew the date a month before his vacation request had to be put in), so it''s not like people were finding out about this when the invites were sent at the end of last month. Oh, I also have a cousin who realized a month ago that he has a friend getting married in NYC the same weekend (even though we had our date set a year in advance), and he decided to skip out on ours b/c he''s never gone to NY and wanted to us this as an opportunity to go there

We don''t really have a B list (I couldn''t figure out a good way to handle that with this being a semi-destination wedding), although we''ve now told friends in casual dating relationships that they can bring a guest if they''d like.

(P.S. Yes, thank goodness for cute kitties )

Gypsy Oh yes, I remember now about your last min guest fluctuations. That''s crazy that people were changing their minds that close! Were those people who had to fly in from out of state? If we do end up going below 50, then I most definitely plan on asking our caterer if we can make up for it by ordering extra food or something to cover the difference rather than have to just pay extra and not get anything for it. They''ve been pretty easy to work with so far, so hopefully they''d be sympathetic and willing to work something out.

elrohwen, Hudson Hawk, ilovethiswebsite, PearlDahhhling, lliang_chi, Deelight, mschusion, ice-queen, thank you for the encouragement. I know we will still have a nice wedding and I just need to focus on that and the people who will be there...and maybe the fact that we''ll now have a little more money to spend on those guests and our honeymoon.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I''m glad to hear you''re feeling a little bit better. One thing that''s helped me out a lot with accepting our total number of guests is we''ve figured out how much per guest our wedding will cost. Knowing that each person is $100 (couples $200) and that money could go directly towards our HM our house, etc. helps us absorb the shock when we hear a dear cousin or friend can''t make it. We''re paying for the wedding ourselves and our parents have still insisted on certain people being invited so our list is larger than we want and we need to pinch pennies where we can.

 

[tlh]

Winks is right.. if you are having a photog, band, and wedding planner, they often have in their contract that you will feed them a "vendor meal" which can be cheaper at your site... may have to include them in the head count... that NEVER occurred to me before a couple days before but I had a coordinator who was working things out for me...

This happens. My wedding planner told me, The rule of thumb is 20% will say no, and 10% will say yes... and not show up. You cannot count on this... but this often happens.That completely Flipped my switch! I never heard of such a thing. But it is true. Plus so many people I thought WOULD say yes... declined, and others I thought would decline... CAME!

I know this isn''t comforting news. But I would just enjoy the time with whomever does come out... if you have to pay for a couple extra plates... let it be... just enjoy yourself with those that can come... and honestly, it will be nice with a few people there... you''ll actually get to enjoy hanging out with your guests, and not be running around MEETING PEOPLE on your wedding day. (Trust me... that part... SUCKS!)

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

OMG I would be estatic if 15-20 people didn''t come to my wedding. LOL that''s really bad when you''re only inviting 50-60!

 

[panda08]

Awww, sorry you''re feeling this way. But do try to look on the brighter side of things. You''ll be able to dedicate more attention to those who do come and you''ll spend less money. There will always be circumstances in which make people unable to attend, whether they seem like good reasons or not. No matter what, your day will be awesome!

 

[vetrik]

I''m sorry you''re feeling bummed - I had the same thing happen to me and I remember feeling the same way.

We invited 122, and I''d always envisioned having about 90-100 people. We had a massive amount of unexpected declines, and ended up with 70 guests at the wedding. They were for all different reasons - someone who was a close family friend of some of my relatives got married the same night and they went to that wedding, we got married 1 hour out of town and to my old fashioned RI relatives that was too far, it was harvest season (farmers in my family), etc!

However, I can honestly say that I can''t picture my wedding any other way than it ended up, or with any more guests. It allowed us to stay in budget, and we were even able to add some last minutes additions to the reception because we were so under what we thought we would be spending on food (my reception location is known for their homemade cookies - we were able to add a cookie buffet for all the guests at the reception). Maybe there''s things you can add to your reception to meet a minimum amount and make it even better for the guests that will be there?

We were able to celebrate the best day of our lives with all the people that mattered most to us. We had a great party, and it was so nice being able to spend so much time with each of our guests. Our reception room seemed perfectly sized for 70 people - I actually think it might have been too crowded with more, although they said it fit 125. I''m sure your day will end up feeling the same way!

 

[newbie124]

Date: 3/3/2009 11:05:19 AM
Author: Winks_Elf
Did you take into account yourselves? The two of you plus the 48 guests hits the 50 mark, and that's not including the officiant or photographer (need to take those people into account too).

No offense, but you're off base about his friend with the 1-year-old. I'd be PISSED if my (now-ex) husband spent our money to fly out for a friends wedding, leaving me and the baby behind. Family comes first, THEN friends. He's probably using the baby's age as a way of saving face about the expense, unless his wife is still breastfeeding. I apologize if that sounds harsh, but once you're married with children you'll understand that.

Times are tough right now, and I don't know where you and the majority of your guests live (how great a distance from the wedding?), but in this economy when so many people are losing their jobs, I'm impressed that you got 48 yes responses to a destination wedding where people have to take time off from work and fly out.

Yes, the 48 is taking the 2 of us into account, and our vendors aren't actually included as part of the min b/c our caterer is comping their meals as part of our original agreement. 48 isn't that far off the minimum so we could deal with it if that came to be the case...it's not so much that as just the fact that we were counting on more people coming.

I know it's easy to point to the economy and I'm not saying that isn't what's discouraging some people, but for the particular guests we were counting on, it really isn't so much finances as just unfortunate scheduling issues.

I admit that I can't speak as a parent, but I think if you also knew the relationship FI had with his friend, you would be as surprised as we were that he declined so casually. Actually, to tell the truth if he could have just had the courtesy to tell FI before mailing in his RSVP or at least including a short note on the card, we would still be disappointed they couldn't come but at least wouldn't feel so much like he was just blowing it off, you know what I mean?

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 3/3/2009 1:18:52 PM
Author: vetrik
I''m sorry you''re feeling bummed - I had the same thing happen to me and I remember feeling the same way.


We invited 122, and I''d always envisioned having about 90-100 people. We had a massive amount of unexpected declines, and ended up with 70 guests at the wedding. They were for all different reasons - someone who was a close family friend of some of my relatives got married the same night and they went to that wedding, we got married 1 hour out of town and to my old fashioned RI relatives that was too far , it was harvest season (farmers in my family), etc!


However, I can honestly say that I can''t picture my wedding any other way than it ended up, or with any more guests. It allowed us to stay in budget, and we were even able to add some last minutes additions to the reception because we were so under what we thought we would be spending on food (my reception location is known for their homemade cookies - we were able to add a cookie buffet for all the guests at the reception). Maybe there''s things you can add to your reception to meet a minimum amount and make it even better for the guests that will be there?


We were able to celebrate the best day of our lives with all the people that mattered most to us. We had a great party, and it was so nice being able to spend so much time with each of our guests. Our reception room seemed perfectly sized for 70 people - I actually think it might have been too crowded with more, although they said it fit 125. I''m sure your day will end up feeling the same way!

Do you think this is because the state is only 60 minutes across in all directions?

 

[Clairitek]

I''m really sorry that people aren''t coming through for you. I can''t imagine what it would feel like to have some of my close friends, who knew months and months in advance, bailed on my wedding. I''m sorry that your FI''s friend isn''t being very accomodating. Perhaps he might come around, even if its a little late.

Date: 3/3/2009 1:26:00 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 3/3/2009 1:18:52 PM
Author: vetrik

We invited 122, and I''d always envisioned having about 90-100 people. We had a massive amount of unexpected declines, and ended up with 70 guests at the wedding. They were for all different reasons - someone who was a close family friend of some of my relatives got married the same night and they went to that wedding, we got married 1 hour out of town and to my old fashioned RI relatives that was too far , it was harvest season (farmers in my family), etc!

Do you think this is because the state is only 60 minutes across in all directions?

Any other RIers bothered by that stereotypical "if I have to be on the highway more than 10 minutes its just too far to travel" mentality that old school RIers have? I grew up on one of the islands in Narragansett Bay and I totally knew people growing up that refused to travel over either of the bridges because they thought it was too inconvenient and too far.

 

[vetrik]

Date: 3/3/2009 5:22:11 PM
Author: Clairitek
I''m really sorry that people aren''t coming through for you. I can''t imagine what it would feel like to have some of my close friends, who knew months and months in advance, bailed on my wedding. I''m sorry that your FI''s friend isn''t being very accomodating. Perhaps he might come around, even if its a little late.

Date: 3/3/2009 1:26:00 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 3/3/2009 1:18:52 PM
Author: vetrik

We invited 122, and I''d always envisioned having about 90-100 people. We had a massive amount of unexpected declines, and ended up with 70 guests at the wedding. They were for all different reasons - someone who was a close family friend of some of my relatives got married the same night and they went to that wedding, we got married 1 hour out of town and to my old fashioned RI relatives that was too far , it was harvest season (farmers in my family), etc!

Do you think this is because the state is only 60 minutes across in all directions?

<threadjack>
Any other RIers bothered by that stereotypical ''if I have to be on the highway more than 10 minutes its just too far to travel'' mentality that old school RIers have? I grew up on one of the islands in Narragansett Bay and I totally knew people growing up that refused to travel over either of the bridges because they thought it was too inconvenient and too far.

<endthreadjack>

I think it does have something to do with the size of the state - you never have to drive far to get anywhere!

That attitude drives me nuts! I had so many relatives aghast that I was getting married in MA, one hour away. Never mind that at the time, I was commuting from West Greenwich to East Providence, and my rush hour commute took longer than their drive to my wedding. I shouldn''t have been surprised they didn''t come - they probably wouldn''t have come if I had gotten married in Providence or Newport either......

It''s not all generational either - DH''s best friend grew up in Exeter and is 30. When I met him 9 years ago, he had never driven to Providence!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Hey, I grew up near Paramus, and STILL have never actually driven myself in NYC! I couldn't even tell you what roads to take to get to Long Island (is that a separate state or part of NY?).

I hear ya about the lack of note, Newbie. Your Fi's friend should have at least given the courtesy of a call, instead of just the decline response. That was a little rude.

I also agree about the scheduling. Combine Friday event with having to travel, and you'll weed out a LOT of people. That's okay, the scaled back guest total will allow you to enjoy mingling with the guests that are there, AND save money.

We're planning a Saturday morning ceremony (11:00 a.m.), only 15-20 minutes away from where most of the guests on my side live. I can almost guarantee I'm going to hear complaints about how early we're having the wedding, how expensive a place it is, I've "been married before, why is she having a big wedding", ya da ya da ya da!

The guests will ALWAYS have something to complain about. My philosophy is simple - if you can't be happy for us, don't freaking come! You'll save us money, and I won't have to listen to your bellyaching.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 3/3/2009 5:50:08 PM
Author: vetrik

Date: 3/3/2009 5:22:11 PM

Author: Clairitek

I''m really sorry that people aren''t coming through for you. I can''t imagine what it would feel like to have some of my close friends, who knew months and months in advance, bailed on my wedding. I''m sorry that your FI''s friend isn''t being very accomodating. Perhaps he might come around, even if its a little late.

Date: 3/3/2009 1:26:00 PM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 3/3/2009 1:18:52 PM

Author: vetrik


We invited 122, and I''d always envisioned having about 90-100 people. We had a massive amount of unexpected declines, and ended up with 70 guests at the wedding. They were for all different reasons - someone who was a close family friend of some of my relatives got married the same night and they went to that wedding, we got married 1 hour out of town and to my old fashioned RI relatives that was too far , it was harvest season (farmers in my family), etc!

Do you think this is because the state is only 60 minutes across in all directions?

<threadjack>

Any other RIers bothered by that stereotypical ''if I have to be on the highway more than 10 minutes its just too far to travel'' mentality that old school RIers have? I grew up on one of the islands in Narragansett Bay and I totally knew people growing up that refused to travel over either of the bridges because they thought it was too inconvenient and too far.

<endthreadjack>

I think it does have something to do with the size of the state - you never have to drive far to get anywhere!


That attitude drives me nuts! I had so many relatives aghast that I was getting married in MA, one hour away. Never mind that at the time, I was commuting from West Greenwich to East Providence, and my rush hour commute took longer than their drive to my wedding. I shouldn''t have been surprised they didn''t come - they probably wouldn''t have come if I had gotten married in Providence or Newport either......


It''s not all generational either - DH''s best friend grew up in Exeter and is 30. When I met him 9 years ago, he had never driven to Providence!

Nu-uh! I grew up in a pretty rural section of NH, so driving 30 minutes to the grocery store was pretty standard. FI and I drive to Boston for work every day and we''re not phased, yet his aunt and uncle who live in Westerly refuse to visit us in Warwick. "Sigh"

 

[newbie124]

Date: 3/3/2009 6:39:47 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
Hey, I grew up near Paramus, and STILL have never actually driven myself in NYC! I couldn''t even tell you what roads to take to get to Long Island (is that a separate state or part of NY?).

I hear ya about the lack of note, Newbie. Your Fi''s friend should have at least given the courtesy of a call, instead of just the decline response. That was a little rude.

I also agree about the scheduling. Combine Friday event with having to travel, and you''ll weed out a LOT of people. That''s okay, the scaled back guest total will allow you to enjoy mingling with the guests that are there, AND save money.

We''re planning a Saturday morning ceremony (11:00 a.m.), only 15-20 minutes away from where most of the guests on my side live. I can almost guarantee I''m going to hear complaints about how early we''re having the wedding, how expensive a place it is, I''ve ''been married before, why is she having a big wedding'', ya da ya da ya da!

The guests will ALWAYS have something to complain about. My philosophy is simple - if you can''t be happy for us, don''t freaking come! You''ll save us money, and I won''t have to listen to your bellyaching.

Ha, ain''t it the truth! This is the exact mentality I want to channel to my cousin (the one I posted about before who took it upon herself to start lecturing us about supposed etiquette rules that she didn''t even have straight herself).

 

[honey22]

Sorry you are bummed. But look at the bright side, think of all the extra $$$ you will save with a smaller guest list, and I love the feel of an intimate wedding. More money for the honeymoon

 

[swingirl]

Traveling with a 1 year old isn't fun and neither is paying for their plane ticket. Even though many people might not admit it I think the economy has a lot to do with the number of declines you are getting. Attending a wedding out of the area is an expense. Hopefully some will change their minds. But you can't worry about it. Those who can come will enjoy themselves and those who can't have their reasons. But you will have a lovely wedding no matter what.

Our family is saying no thanks to 2 weddings this year. It's just too expensive to fly, stay in a hotel, rent a car, buy outfits and shoes, and give a gift. So I am not attending the weddings but giving a generous gift. I always assume when people invite out-of-town guests they know it's a stretch.

By the way I never realized a note was considered polite to include when declining in an RSVP.

 

[LauraBabe08]

I felt the same way as you. unfortunately ALL of FI''s friends are coming (I hoped a few would decline!) We invited around 117 and have 89 including ourselves. We had a lot more declines than we thought (some of FI''s family from OOT, etc) and more accepts than we thought as well. I have to say, that while I was hoping for a lot of declines, I still felt sad when we got them. Like it was a personal attack or something - even though that is far from the truth. Anyway, try not to think too much about it and just accept it as it comes.

 

[newbie124]

Date: 3/3/2009 9:11:15 PM
Author: swingirl
By the way I never realized a note was considered polite to include when declining in an RSVP.

I think it's probably polite to include a note, though not necessarily expected or considered standard etiquette.

However, in this particular circumstance when the person is a best friend and also didn't give any kind of heads up beforehand, then yes, I do think it's a little bit inconsiderate to not at least include a note.