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Ring purchased... but don't want to get married.

two_little_birds

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 6, 2011
Messages
1,250
Long story short, I was married for 19 years but I'm now divorced. I was lucky enough to meet the love of my life 3.5 years ago shortly after my separation. He too was separated and going through re-building his life. Fast forward to this March, I mentioned I wanted a ring, and that it symbolized a lot to me. One that I was "taken" and two that we're committed. He gave me the go ahead at that time to purchase a ring of my liking. We are now in possession of the ring, but it took a lot longer to get here thanks to the pandemic.

He's not officially divorced yet, the day before he filed the paperwork the pandemic shut everything down. Ugh, bad timing I know. However he is legally separated, and in Canada that's the hard part. Upon receiving the ring I gave it to him so he could put it away somewhere safe and present it to me when he's ready - but he didn't even look at it, which I find really odd. It's currently sitting in his sock drawer, I guess that's his secret hiding spot. LOL men!

He knows I don't want to get married again though, at least for some time. I'm happy just spending the rest of my life with him, honestly I don't need a piece of paper for that. So I guess this is more of a "spend your life with me" proposal than it is "marry me" proposal. Maybe one day I'll feel differently, but I already consider him my husband.

So the ring just sits in its box, without even a glance. Why did he allow me to purchase it if he's not going to do anything with it? Maybe I'm just impatient but I find it odd. He never said anything about waiting for his divorce papers either - at least not letting it hinder "this" from happening.

So do I just wait? Do I ask him why he never even looked at the ring?
 

annagene12

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 13, 2019
Messages
338
I am always, without fail, an advocate for having a direct conversation. Especially if this is the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with. And especially if this is something you feel strongly about.

I can't really say why he did or didn't take a peek - men can sometimes lack the fervor, excitement and emotional attachment we often feel for jewelry. :lol:

But...avoiding the issue won't benefit anyone. You aren't a mind reader, and presumably he isn't either! And the more you skirt around something that is bothering you (and you are entitled to those feelings), the more opportunity there is for other, negative feelings to creep in (resentment, mistrust, annoyance, sadness, etc.) and tarnish the good. This all could be put to rest in a conversation with him, which may be to your satisfaction or not. But there's only one way to find out.
 

Bron357

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 22, 2014
Messages
4,214
Yes, speak.
Please don’t try and interpret his thoughts regarding the ring and how and when he might present it to you.
Maybe he’s unsure how to proceed. You’ve said to him that you don’t want to get married so he can’t really “propose” to you.
Maybe he’s confused why you gave it to him when it was received. Maybe he thinks that means you don’t want to wear it as yet?
Does he just get it out and push it across the table to you at breakfast? Does he wait until a significant date - your birthday, Christmas, Anniversary of meeting, after divorce finalised, while on a trip ????
So talk to him, keep it light, just say “really looking forward to wearing my fabulous ring, will I have to wait long?
If it was me, I’d just get it out of the drawer and wear it. Life’s too short!
 

Begonia

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 2, 2011
Messages
1,853
Guys are kinda dull sometimes. Any chance he just forgot about the darn thing?

Also what has big significance to you sometimes doesn't to them. Mine would say "hey I love ya and I'm here every day hon, that's all I need". Ask him if you can put the ring on as you found it while putting away his socks. Or as Bron says, just put 'er on.
 

two_little_birds

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 6, 2011
Messages
1,250
I wonder the same thing. He's a front line worker (more behind the scenes though) for a long term care facility. Thankfully they haven't had any cases but it's been very stressful - he's responsible for all precautions and facility set-up under tight government restrictions.
 

OdetteOdile

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2019
Messages
797
I wonder the same thing. He's a front line worker (more behind the scenes though) for a long term care facility. Thankfully they haven't had any cases but it's been very stressful - he's responsible for all precautions and facility set-up under tight government restrictions.
If he is unhappy and stressed right now, he might not want to tie a happy occasion (giving you the ring) to the way he is feeling right now.
 

ItsMainelyYou

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2014
Messages
449
You know, he could be using it as a talisman of sorts without realizing it. I don't tend to have many sentimental things...but I do sometimes create talismans in times of stress.
That ring may be a symbol of what will be when all this uncertainty and sadness has passed. A divorce during a pandemic. It's hope for a normal life. There may also be a jinx factor in there as well. He may be reticent to give it to you because we're not out of the woods yet and it's 'magic' is delicate and precious to him.
Or not, I'm a little odd. :wink2:
 

Sunstorm

Brilliant_Rock
Trade
Joined
Feb 5, 2014
Messages
1,686
Why don’t you just ask him? Communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Stop dwelling on it, the reason is generally totally different and far less significant or complicated than we could ever guess.
After all they are guys and we are women. We tend to overcomplicate things until we blow up thinking it must be the end of the world of a reason.
My guess? You gave it to him and he probably thought you did not want it yet.
 

TheGarnetGirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 13, 2018
Messages
1,170
You know, he could be using it as a talisman of sorts without realizing it. I don't tend to have many sentimental things...but I do sometimes create talismans in times of stress.
That ring may be a symbol of what will be when all this uncertainty and sadness has passed. A divorce during a pandemic. It's hope for a normal life. There may also be a jinx factor in there as well. He may be reticent to give it to you because we're not out of the woods yet and it's 'magic' is delicate and precious to him.
Or not, I'm a little odd. :wink2:
Lol you just described me to a "T"
So you are not alone, there are two weirdos here :dance:

& I'm with @Bron357 OP, just take that thing out and wear it! Lol
 
L

lucky_in_love

Guest
UPDATE...

Ugh, so what a sh*t show!

On Wednesday it was my birthday, DBF and I had a big fight the night before which also spilled out into the morning of my birthday. The fight was related to our kids (blended family) and didn’t really have anything to do with our relationship. So I thought, hey maybe “today’s the day” he’s going to give me my ring. Nope.

Thursday morning came and I decided to e-mail him; sometimes it’s just easier to say hard things without emotion driving the conversation. As everyone knows, he’s still legally married. The whole COVID-19 has really put everything on halt and no one knows when the courthouse will be back in session – never mind the normal backlog. When we discussed purchasing the ring, I told him I didn’t want a proposal… that I didn’t want to get married. But when I asked him about the ring he said “well I can’t exactly give it to you because I’m still married”. Meanwhile I’m looking at this ring (even though it is a diamond solitaire) as a commitment, a partnership, a “will you grow old with me” ring. I don’t need to be married, nor am I sure I want to ever get married again – perhaps in the future? So there was definitely a disconnect here!

So what happens now? Am I expected to wait another year before he’s divorced? In Ontario it take on average 6 months for the paperwork to be processed – and that was pre COVID19. Is it terrible to wear a diamond solitaire when your partner is still legally married? I almost regret buying the ring now… maybe we should have opted for a non-diamond ring. Sigh.
 

ItsMainelyYou

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2014
Messages
449
I'm so sorry you guys had a fight and I feel for you in your frustration.:((
It sounds like he still sees it as a engagement/wedding ring in the more traditional sense. Maybe try sitting him down at some point to help him separate the concepts in his mind. Again. Tell him exactly how it pains you. That it will mean what you/he want it to. It does sound like a classic disconnect. If he has a hard time presenting it to you, well, decide if you want to go and put it on yourself.

I don't think it's terrible at all because it symbolizes something unique and personal to you in a long term relationship. It has nothing to do with anything but you two. Take it and wear it on whatever finger/hand you find the most beautiful.
 

two_little_birds

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 6, 2011
Messages
1,250
Indeed he does seem to think of it as a traditional engagement ring, and I guess he's not wrong - it is a diamond solitaire after-all.

He said it would "feel wrong" giving it to me now since he's not divorced yet. Yesterday he was finally able to sign his divorce papers but because of COVID-19 it could be 9-12 months before they're processed. But does he not think it was also look bad if he "proposes" right after getting divorced? I think he's worried about what others will think, or that if his ex catches wind of it will raise a stink.

Part of me now regrets purchasing the ring - perhaps I should have purchased a different ring (coloured stone) instead?

Ugh, why is this so difficult? He's going on a drive tomorrow to pick up some items from his daughter's school and I think I'm going to go with him so we can talk further. He's not the best communicator to say the least.
 

OoohShiny

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 25, 2014
Messages
7,367
UPDATE...

Ugh, so what a sh*t show!

On Wednesday it was my birthday, DBF and I had a big fight the night before which also spilled out into the morning of my birthday. The fight was related to our kids (blended family) and didn’t really have anything to do with our relationship. So I thought, hey maybe “today’s the day” he’s going to give me my ring. Nope.

Thursday morning came and I decided to e-mail him; sometimes it’s just easier to say hard things without emotion driving the conversation. As everyone knows, he’s still legally married. The whole COVID-19 has really put everything on halt and no one knows when the courthouse will be back in session – never mind the normal backlog. When we discussed purchasing the ring, I told him I didn’t want a proposal… that I didn’t want to get married. But when I asked him about the ring he said “well I can’t exactly give it to you because I’m still married”. Meanwhile I’m looking at this ring (even though it is a diamond solitaire) as a commitment, a partnership, a “will you grow old with me” ring. I don’t need to be married, nor am I sure I want to ever get married again – perhaps in the future? So there was definitely a disconnect here!

So what happens now? Am I expected to wait another year before he’s divorced? In Ontario it take on average 6 months for the paperwork to be processed – and that was pre COVID19. Is it terrible to wear a diamond solitaire when your partner is still legally married? I almost regret buying the ring now… maybe we should have opted for a non-diamond ring. Sigh.
Indeed he does seem to think of it as a traditional engagement ring, and I guess he's not wrong - it is a diamond solitaire after-all.

He said it would "feel wrong" giving it to me now since he's not divorced yet. Yesterday he was finally able to sign his divorce papers but because of COVID-19 it could be 9-12 months before they're processed. But does he not think it was also look bad if he "proposes" right after getting divorced? I think he's worried about what others will think, or that if his ex catches wind of it will raise a stink.

Part of me now regrets purchasing the ring - perhaps I should have purchased a different ring (coloured stone) instead?

Ugh, why is this so difficult? He's going on a drive tomorrow to pick up some items from his daughter's school and I think I'm going to go with him so we can talk further. He's not the best communicator to say the least.
I'm confused.

Do you have two accounts?
 

cmd2014

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 6, 2014
Messages
2,530
I think you're running into the complications of post-separation dating/relationships. I would imagine that it would be awkward to propose to a new partner before you are divorced from your ex. That never looks great and is likely causing some complicated feelings on his part (and might cause the ex and the kids to have feelings about it too). I also think it does look bad to propose immediately after you get divorced (for all the same reasons). He is in a bind because no matter how long he and his ex have been separated, they have children together and he needs to be respectful of her feelings and those of his kids. And he might be confused because you've asked him to buy you an engagement ring, but you're also saying that you don't want to get married, and he's not divorced yet (so at this point he probably doesn't feel like he can or should ask you), and maybe he's feeling uncomfortable and awkward about that. It might be better to discuss this as a commitment ring and pick something not so wedding-like. Is it too late to send the ring back?
 

TheGarnetGirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 13, 2018
Messages
1,170
I think you're running into the complications of post-separation dating/relationships. I would imagine that it would be awkward to propose to a new partner before you are divorced from your ex. That never looks great and is likely causing some complicated feelings on his part (and might cause the ex and the kids to have feelings about it too). I also think it does look bad to propose immediately after you get divorced (for all the same reasons). He is in a bind because no matter how long he and his ex have been separated, they have children together and he needs to be respectful of her feelings and those of his kids. And he might be confused because you've asked him to buy you an engagement ring, but you're also saying that you don't want to get married, and he's not divorced yet (so at this point he probably doesn't feel like he can or should ask you), and maybe he's feeling uncomfortable and awkward about that. It might be better to discuss this as a commitment ring and pick something not so wedding-like. Is it too late to send the ring back?
I agree completely.
I think a commitment ring that doesnt look like an engagement ring would be best OR wait until hes comfortable giving you this ring which may be a while.
 

Ella

Brilliant_Rock
Staff member
Trade
Joined
Jan 18, 2010
Messages
1,321
Folks, we don't allow people to have two accounts. OP, you can contact us and let us know which single account you'd like to keep open and then we will reinstate this thread.
 

Ella

Brilliant_Rock
Staff member
Trade
Joined
Jan 18, 2010
Messages
1,321
This thread has been reopened, feel free to continue to post.
 

two_little_birds

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 6, 2011
Messages
1,250
I think you're running into the complications of post-separation dating/relationships. I would imagine that it would be awkward to propose to a new partner before you are divorced from your ex. That never looks great and is likely causing some complicated feelings on his part (and might cause the ex and the kids to have feelings about it too). I also think it does look bad to propose immediately after you get divorced (for all the same reasons). He is in a bind because no matter how long he and his ex have been separated, they have children together and he needs to be respectful of her feelings and those of his kids. And he might be confused because you've asked him to buy you an engagement ring, but you're also saying that you don't want to get married, and he's not divorced yet (so at this point he probably doesn't feel like he can or should ask you), and maybe he's feeling uncomfortable and awkward about that. It might be better to discuss this as a commitment ring and pick something not so wedding-like. Is it too late to send the ring back?
Too late to send it back, plus paid a lot considering we're Canadian and the US exchange sucks right now. We did talk, and he stated "I wouldn't be getting divorced if I didn't want to get remarried". He said that's the reason men get divorced at all (after a separation). I agreed to disagree, LOL. It's been almost 4 years for both of us, and his wife was just served last Friday. His lawyer did say though that it would be another 12-18 months before the paperwork is processed thanks to COVID. I told him I'm not completely closed off to marriage, but for the foreseeable time being I'm not interested. I already see us as married anyways, we live together, blended our families, etc. So yeah, he's in a bind now. Had I know all this before we purchased the ring I would have never bought a solitaire. I would have bought a coloured stone and set it with two side diamonds. So now this beautiful ring just sits in a box in his sock drawer :roll2:
 

cmd2014

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 6, 2014
Messages
2,530
Too late to send it back, plus paid a lot considering we're Canadian and the US exchange sucks right now. We did talk, and he stated "I wouldn't be getting divorced if I didn't want to get remarried". He said that's the reason men get divorced at all (after a separation). I agreed to disagree, LOL. It's been almost 4 years for both of us, and his wife was just served last Friday. His lawyer did say though that it would be another 12-18 months before the paperwork is processed thanks to COVID. I told him I'm not completely closed off to marriage, but for the foreseeable time being I'm not interested. I already see us as married anyways, we live together, blended our families, etc. So yeah, he's in a bind now. Had I know all this before we purchased the ring I would have never bought a solitaire. I would have bought a coloured stone and set it with two side diamonds. So now this beautiful ring just sits in a box in his sock drawer :roll2:
Oh I'm sorry. Is there any way to rework it? (more $$$ I know). And I hear you about the exchange. I haven't ordered anything from the US in ages because of it. Or maybe get something interim that is nice but not expensive (like an inexpensive CS ring from someplace local), and enjoy the fact that you've got something beautiful waiting for you for later?

I'm in the middle of an unwanted separation/divorce and I have to admit that hearing your timelines has made me a little sad. DH announced he wants out and is unwilling to talk about it or go to counseling, so we are just working through the separation agreement part now. I'm really not sure how to navigate all this (both the emotional stuff and the practical stuff, let alone dating again). I haven't been on a date in almost 23 years.
 

dk168

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
5,923
Re-set/re-purpose the stone into something else that you can wear, like a pendant or a bangle?

It can then be re-set as an ER should you decide to tie the knot at a later date.

DK :))
 
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