that's a lovely idea. op you could gift yourself with a birthstone or just a beautiful colored stone you admire and it'll have lots of meaning without jumping out at others as engagement-y. good luckAfter reading your thread, two things stuck out to me: 1) the ring doesn't feel "right" to you or your SO and 2) you and your SO love each other and want to stay together, marriage or not. IMO I'd reset your diamond with a colored stone as a toi et moi (à la Jackie Kennedy) ring. You could pick something delicious like a forest green tsavorite garnet (and not too expensive, to boot!) to pair with it. I think the sentimentality of "you and me" could be so apt for your relationship. And if your in-laws are squawking at you about it, you can just say that you bought the ring originally, and then COVID happened, and it just didn't feel the same anymore. As a bonus, sourcing a gemstone and resetting will take some time, and perhaps your SO will change his mind on presenting you with a ring once some progress is made on the divorce and it feels more "real" to him.
You got it bang on! We purchased and agreed to the ring together... I didn’t realize he wanted to marry me though (as he knows my thoughts on this) and I was looking for more of a commitment-type ring. A “spend your life with me” type of ring, without the sole intent or marriage.Now I feel like I missed something. Let me try again.
So, he agreed for her to get the ring. Along with that, I assume he intended for her to WEAR the ring. But then instead of wearing it, she gave it to him and told him to "Give it to her when he was ready." Now the ring sits in his drawer and seems to have been forgotten about.
Also, these two already live together. She doesn't want to get legally married any time soon but already considers him her husband. There's also some possible embarrassment or potential for awkward questions because others know the ring was purchased but will notice that the ring is not worn.
His divorce is not final but that seems just a technicality since that marriage is obviously in the past.
So why not just wear the ring, ON the engagement ring finger?
IF the issue is that you want him to formally ask you to wear it, a sort of almost-proposal, with the ring a sort of "commitment" ring, then I think you will probably just have to tell him that.
Sometimes guys just need to be told or they won't get it. I am confused myself, to be honest, because I think of a "proposal" as a request to legally, formally, marry someone, which it seems you do not want. So it sounds to me like a simple miscommunication.
Or did I miss the point somehow?
If it helps, I've known couples who called themselves "engaged" and "fiancees" for years, lived together for years, and had no intention of getting legally married. It's a way to define a more unconventional relationship to others in a way they can easily understand, presents both partners to the world as "taken," and cuts down on the nosey questions.
We purchased and agreed to the ring together.You bought the ring for yourself without really asking his opinion, before he was legally divorced.
Ah okay, I get it now. So, it sounds like he is being very sincere in a way, deciding he doesn't want to "officially" offer you the ring now until he is "officially" free to do so.You got it bang on! We purchased and agreed to the ring together... I didn’t realize he wanted to marry me though (as he knows my thoughts on this) and I was looking for more of a commitment-type ring. A “spend your life with me” type of ring, without the sole intent or marriage.
IMO it’s totally a miscommunication - but in his eyes he won’t give me the ring or let me wear it without being “officially” divorced first. He never stated any of this though when we purchased the ring, so yeah, it still sits in his sock drawer.
O.K in that case, it's just a matter of waiting until he feels comfortable for you to wear it. Or you wear it anyway and tell him you don't care about the rest, it's totally up to you...We purchased and agreed to the ring together.
As for being divorced, he thought the paperwork had been filed at the same time his Separation Agreement had been finalized. It took almost a year before he found out that neither lawyer had done that, so he had to take it upon himself to make sure it was done - but with COVID-19 that has really mucked things up from a timing perspective.
I don't really want to be engaged or married... I want a commitment. I want him to say " hey baby, let's spend the rest of our lives together". Why can't it be as simple as that?But wait... Now I'm confused. I thought you said you didn't want to get married? Do you mean you just want to be engaged at this point or have you changed your mind since your original post a while back? Or maybe I misunderstood.
Yeah, I deleted that part of my post because I remembered you saying something like that. (Also edited this post when I realized I repeated things I said in my last post).I don't really want to be engaged or married... I want a commitment. I want him to say " hey baby, let's spend the rest of our lives together". Why can't it be as simple as that?
We met in March of 2017 and he had been separated from his wife for almost a year. He honestly thought the divorce was filed as part of his Separation Agreement which was finalized in 2018. It wasn't until more than a year later that he found out his lawyer hadn't filed it. Then COVID hit and now he's faced with a 1+ year long wait for the paperwork to be pushed through the system. Nothing is being contested, it's a simple matter of waiting for the paperwork to be processed.* I don't know how long he had been separated when you met now-almost-4-years ago, but the reasons(s) that he did not initiate filing the divorce paperwork until March of this year could provide insight for you. Would you say that he ordinarily is a man who is very "deliberate" in his actions, doesn't rush into things, perhaps especially those that have legal consequences. Of course, there may be other reasons for the long lapse of time. E.g., he was reluctant to be the "bad guy" (especially because of the kids) by being the one to initiate the divorce proceeding (and therefore be denominated as the official terminator of the marriage), so was hoping his wife would be the plaintiff? Protracted, but active, negotiations re child support, legal custody, etc? Did he share the reasons with you? Please don't feel obliged to answer; I'm just thinking aloud.
Perhaps but I don't think so. We discussed him presenting the ring to me, but I never expected a proposal. Maybe I wasn't clear enough though?* I'm wondering if the fact that you didn't slip the ring onto your finger with a big smile and thanks when it arrived somehow changed the dynamic for him. You'd explained why you'd love a ring & he gave you the green light to purchase one that captured your fancy, with no indication at that time that he wouldn't want you to wear it. So maybe he was taken aback that you gave the ring to him to put away "until he was ready" and for whatever reasons, that made him uncomfortable.
Haha, I'm the breadwinner in our relationship. If anything I want to make sure we're both protected equally. Having both been through a divorce before we know it's not fun. We talk openly about retiring together in the next 10 years or so, have a joint bank account, share expenses equally (for the most part), both names on the mortgage, insurance, etc. etc. He's never had a will before whereas I have, I'm not sure he understands the importance of one. Further discussion is needed.* Since communication about intimate (emotionally personal) matters doesn't come easy to you two (e.g., you recently tagging him on a Facebook page about wills; he may have perceived that as evidence you're banking on him to ensure your financial future, but it doesn't seem that was your reason for tugging on his sleeve in that way), what would you think of proposing that you two engage in some kind of couple's counseling to facilitate communication now & develop the tools best suited for you two going forward? Don't be fearful that this would mean sessions spanning countless months -- I'm not thinking of the stereotype of psychoanalysis!
Yup, and we're both lucky enough to have amazing benefits that cover therapy sessions; like you said though, I think we need to spend some time finding the right fit. I'm far more open in communication that he is, I honestly have to drag most things out of him. He's the same with his kids, he's very "lax" and doesn't want to create conflict.The husband of one of my best friends is a psychologist who works mostly with couples, and he's found that virtual sessions, because of the COVID-19 pandemic, are easier for him and his patients than anticipated. And with virtual sessions, you aren't limited to professionals only in your immediate geographic area, so it's actually easier to "shop around," if need be (be prepared for the possibility that the first one you meet with may not be a good fit); plus, you can access professionals in a later time zone, if that would be more convenient for your schedules.
I would never give an ultimatum. I don't believe in them, and life you said... you typically already know the answer.I don't know about ultimatums, though. I think it's well within someone's rights to give one. But if you have to give one, that already kinda tells you something.
Sounds like you had a good conversation.OK so I finally got him to open up.
He said he wants to wait until his divorce is processed through the courts, which in all honestly will probably take another year thanks to the backlog created by COVID-19 and the courts being closed.
I asked if it was because he's worried about what people will think and he said "no". It has more to do with him, and having a clean slate. I respect that.
We also talked about the fact that I don't necessarily want him to propose, and that I'm unsure whether I ever want to get married again. He's OK with that, but I know deep down he wants to get married otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to purchase the ring.
So I'm now at the mercy of the courts. LOL tick tick tick... time's a wasting.