Rewarding children for good behavior

[Jas12]

Rewards work well for some kids, not so great for others. I saw this during my short career teaching grade 2-5. Some kids really liked a chart/reward system and it helped them stay on task and acted as a constant reminder for how they should behave. Some kids would work SO hard to get the reward, then turn around and behave terribly. They manipulated the idea and didn''t learn anything beyond instant gratification. It was really interesting, but i ultimately concluded that there was something imperfect about the system and stopped using it.

For my own kid, i think i''ll stick with verbal praise/acknowlegement. i don''t mind the association of ''good behaviour = good things''. I hope that in life this is generally true, but rewards for kids at a young age are usually material and food related and i think this is what is problematic for me. I don''t want my child to associate good behavior with just these things (i am an adult guilty of rewarding myself with food and shopping for a job well done--lol). So i am careful not to say things like "if you are good while we grocery shop, then mom will give you a cookie" .

Don''t get me wrong, I fully intend to bribe when desperate (what mom doesn''t from time to time) but don''t plan to make a habit of it.

MrsS.--i like your approach. I def. think that if kids do something really great (like your girls did while traveling) I would make a big deal of it and congratulate them for such great behavior. I think in situations like that, over the course of a weekend my kids might get something special (say a movie or trip to a favorite store etc.) and although i may not tell them it''s a reward b/c they were so well behaved, they would probably get that msg on some level...almost like a karma thing.

 

[zoebartlett]

My parents didn''t give my sister or I an allowance. We were expected to do certain chores around the house because we were members of a family, and my parents didn''t believe in rewarding us for that. If we did something extra, something that wasn''t asked of us, we would occasionally get a new book, box of crayons, etc (something small). At the time, I was upset that I wasn''t getting an allowance, but I can now see my parents'' logic.

In my job, I have to admit that I resort to bribery at times. It''s just hard NOT to with 20 7 year olds to teach all day. So yeah, sometimes I''ll bribe the kids with a sticker, a cool pencil, or something similar -- never food though. But, like my parents, I try to only do that when someone does something extra kind towards someone else. We talk all the time about being respectful and responsible in school. Some things are simply expected, but I praise my kids A LOT if they do something really well. I make a huge deal of it in front of everyone else. The kids seem to like that and since they crave praise, that''s all it takes for some of them to act appropriately.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I think when I have children I will try to focus on positive reinforcement as a way of teaching behaviors and sometimes give rewards is a part of that. But a reward can be as simple as a praise or a hug, it does not always need to be an object. I like the idea of the doll on the ladder someone referenced and suggest that kind of technique for the kids with ADHD. I use stickers in the clinic all the time as a way to get a kid to sit still or to reward a sibling for staying quiet, but part of that is making the doctor''s office not just the "shot" place.

I used to think good behavior was expected until someone gave me the book "how to win friends and influence people" and that has changed how I think about this topic.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 2/22/2010 2:56:11 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Except I''m not sure how you''d break it to your 6 year old that next week is not only her birthday, but also the day she does chores for no butterfly cheques!

Would perhaps switching to the allowance deduction system at this time work? So maybe explain the butterfly (or whatever it is) system is for little kids and big kids have a new allowance system where they get, say, 5$ a week if they do all their chores and a deduction if they don''t finish them?

I did this with my brother. He has serious ADHD issues, so I had to be quite disciplined with him despite his age (he''s 19 now). If his room was a mess, he would get a 2$ deduction per day. If he was late to school, 5$ deduction. He was expected to clean his bathroom every other week and if he didn''t it was a straight 10$ deduction etc. While the structure worked well for him, he''s having a hard time living on his own now. Not quite sure what we would do when we have our own kids.

 

[sugarpie honeybun]

This is an interesting topic. We''re first time parents (of an infant) so we haven''t had to deal with this yet. But this sort of raises another question - are rewards given because a child gets good grades in school considered an acceptable norm? My friends give their kids lavish presents everytime they come home with a good report card. Some of these kids are 10 years old. Shouldn''t they just be expected to do well in school?

 

[Dreamer_D]

I believe in classical learning theory when it comes to kids behaviour. That means that kids will repeat behaviors that result in positive outcomes (to them) and they will cease behaviours that result in negative outcomes (to them). So yes, I believe in rewarding kids for desrable behaviours.

Knowing what is a reward and what is a cost to the child is the challenge it seems to me. Rewards are not toys and such, necessarily, and costs are not time outs or yelling. Ignoring a behaviour is a cost to a child. Yelling can be a reward (attention) to a child. I think as parents our biggest challenge is having enough self-awareness to recognize how our own behaviours are affecting our kids' actions. Not an easy task.

I was on a ferry travelling the other day and say a great example of learning theory in action. We were in the kids play area. Two other families were present. One set of parents had a son about 2.5 years old, the other mom had a daughter about 4 years old and a toddler son. The 2.5 year old boy had some toys and was going around and giving them to other kids to play with and every time he did, his dad would say, "Great sharing son! Way to go!" and would have the boy come over to get a high five. Positive reinforcement in action. The other mother was texting on her phone while her kids played quietly sat nicely beside her. I think she missed a good opportunity to reward her kids positive behaviours.

Later, the 2.5 year old boy started climbing the slide. His mom told him not to, and when he didn't listen, she took him aside and got down to his level and said right to him, "This is your warning, do not climb the slide. If you do, we will have to leave". A little while later he climbed the slide and she walked over, scooped him up, and they left the play area. They returned about 10 minutes later and he played some more. He went to climb the slide again, and his dad said, "No son." And guess what. The kids walked away. Negative consequenced in action again.

While this was going on, the toddler boy of the other mother found some beads. Turned out they ad fallen out of her 4 year old daughter's package of beads. The mother went to the toddler and was asking him to give them to him, and the girl started throwing a tantrum next to them demanding her beads back. The girl them hauled off and hit her mother accross the back. The mother said, "No daughter, you do not hit mommy" in a rather ineffectual way, but the girl backed off and sat down. Five second later the mom came over and gave her daugher the beads

So she rewarded the bad behaviour. The mom looked really tired, and I know we are not always perfect as parents, but unfortunately she did not do her kid any favours in that moment.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Okay I just read through the thread.

For those of you who said that "good behaviour is expected", how do you think your kids are learning that? I am sure that you are conveying the message because in some way, with attention, or the "mom stink eye" you are teaching your kids what is acceptable behaviour and what is unacceptable behaviour. In my mind, those messages are rewards or costs. I think we do ourselves as parents disservice if we think of rewards in the limited sense of toys, or gifits, or money. To a child, our approval and attention is a reward more valuable than money will ever be.

 

[jas]

I am reminded of the simplest and best of teaching advice: Catch ''em in the act of being good. Verbal praise and positive attention from parents/authority figures/teachers/coaches, etc. means so much to little ones. The praise need not be overboard nor forced. Sincere, quiet, proud works much of the time. "I see you doing what I expect of you/the right thing/something good. Good work" kinds of messages hold a lot of weight with anyone, I think, not just children.

Which is not to say I won''t reward with tangible goods and louder exuberant praise when merited.

I saw many children who were excitedly praised for the smallest things...they grew (a) dependent on that praise and/or (b) very cynical because the subtle message was that very little was indeed expected of them or they "saw through" the false exuberance.

I saw many children who were almost never praised. Oddly enough, they also (a) and (b).

 

[cara]

Dreamer thanks for your nuanced posts - its a great point that yelling can be positive feedback, and somehow one has to convey and teach kids what your expectations are, so what are the methods you are going to use?

One thought I had was that, while my DH and I are far from ideal housekeepers, we do tend to give positive comments to each other for basic chores, ie. thanks for doing the dishes or thanks for doing the trash, and this is a nice touch in our lives. Far better than nagging or even having such things pass by unacknowledged.

Seems to me that positive reinforcement is a tool that should be used just as negative reinforcement is a tool that parents should use. But getting the balance right, deciding what are appropriate reinforcements for what actions, consistency, those things are hard hard hard.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Dreamer, TGal''s original post asked about reward programmes. Something specific, reward charts etc. I don''t think any of us are suggesting that we would ignore good behaviour or fail to praise it, rather that we won''t be using a formal programme to recognise it.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 2/24/2010 2:50:25 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Dreamer, TGal''s original post asked about reward programmes. Something specific, reward charts etc. I don''t think any of us are suggesting that we would ignore good behaviour or fail to praise it, rather that we won''t be using a formal programme to recognise it.

Sorry, I wan''t trying to be confrontational in my post when I asked "How do you think they learned it"... I genuinely meant the question

I thought her question was more general I guess...

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

No worries.

Parenting is a minefield.