REALLY Ticked off at best friend...what should I do?

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 6/9/2009 11:22:02 AM
Author: Girlrocks
Italia...you''re right, there is nothing to be gained by embarrassing her about it. I see your point. Thanks for that perspective.

They are only cheap in certain areas...it''s very strange. I won''t go into too much detail, but they definitely are not ''frugal''. You have to know them to love them, but they are the true definition of ''cheap''.

cheap to their friends,but spent $$$''s on themselfs.

 

[whitby_2773]

i always think it''s the thought that counts, and i have to say....

what sort of thought went into this?

i can understand being frugal - i really can. so dont spend $50. how about 2 movie tickets tucked into a birthday card? full expense? less than $20. or a nice cake of soap from somewhere like the sale section of l''occitane? including card and wrapping? $15. or how about just taking you out for afternoon tea -coffee and cake - $10. or a $5 starbucks gift voucher. or inviting you over for dinner and cooking for you? because it''s not the money - it''s the effort.

i put a lot of effort into gift giving, and it doesnt always equate to money. but it ALWAYS equates to time. but perhaps she''s very young and didnt realize that gift cards almost always have an expiry date. and i dont mind regifting - if it''s something you think the next person would like and enjoy. but if they''ve had that gift card for 7 years, then this was more a case of just getting rid of something they didn''t want - something worthless to them - and if that was my friend, i''d be a bit hurt initially, but hurt would rapidly change to pragmatism. (frankly, if my best friend - who has been my best friend for 32 years - did this, i''d think she''d either had a complete personality collapse or that the world was rotating in a different direction! we''re VERY generous when it comes to each other''s birthdays)

anyway - i''d probably have a talk with her - not to tell her i was hurt necessarily, but just to let her know what happened and to suggest that the two of you just exchange cards in the future as a convenience to both of you. that way nobody''s expectations are unfulfilled. and consider it a way for you to save a little money also.

i can see italianhair''s point that your birthday may not have been a priority for your friend - and fine - i wouldnt have a problem with that. but i think it''s fair to say that for the people who truly love you, your life cycle events ARE a priority. she may indeed be a friend, but i''d question whether she was a good one, and i doubt very much that she''s your best one. so i''d probably laugh this off, but rearrange my own priorites somewhat.

 

[lowphat]

Next time you''re in your group of friends, say to your best friend.. "Hey, thanks for the Ruth Chris giftcard you got me. That plus $100 bucks got me a $100 dinner!"

 

[Girlrocks]

Date: 6/9/2009 1:42:41 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 6/9/2009 11:22:02 AM
Author: Girlrocks
Italia...you''re right, there is nothing to be gained by embarrassing her about it. I see your point. Thanks for that perspective.

They are only cheap in certain areas...it''s very strange. I won''t go into too much detail, but they definitely are not ''frugal''. You have to know them to love them, but they are the true definition of ''cheap''.

cheap to their friends,but spent $$$''s on themselfs.

OMG, do you know them???!!!

 

[Mrs.Guz]

She sure does not sound like any sort of a friend to me - especially a best friend!

Tacky, tacky, tacky!

 

[Haven]

I wouldn''t say anything to your friend, as I really can''t see any good come of that.

However, had you gone to the actual restaurant and gotten stuck with a large bill, then I would say it would be appropriate to say something like "BFF, did you know that the gift card you gave me for my birthday had been expired for five years? It was such a surprise when it was turned down after our meal. What was that all about?"
At that point, her rudeness would have caused you some embarrassment and it would have cost you money you hadn''t planned on spending. I think that makes the situation worth mentioning.

What a bizarre thing to do.

 

[Miscka]

That would SERIOUSLY bug me. She could have put you in a REALLY awkward position. I would be *really* tempted to give it back to her at the next opportunity.

I agree with Whitby, there is nothing wrong with working to find an inexpensive gift if you are strapped for cash. This, on the other hand, is just tacky.

 

[atroop711]

I would invite her and her dh out for steak this weekend and WIP OUT HER CARD..and say Oh hears the card you gave me last yr for my bday...never gotta chance to use it. I would love to see her face when it's declined.

Ok I may be in the minority but cheap ppl annoy me off. If someone can't afford something that's a different story but just real cheap skates ARE SO ANNOYING

I guess it's best to not say anything (IF WE MUST lol) but just don't exchange gifts..just tell her a card will do

 

[Diamond*Dana]

OMG, that is really something!
I would either tell her that you and DH went out to dinner with it and were stuck with the bill, or give it to her on her birthday.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 6/9/2009 4:22:55 PM
Author: Girlrocks

Date: 6/9/2009 1:42:41 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 6/9/2009 11:22:02 AM
Author: Girlrocks
Italia...you're right, there is nothing to be gained by embarrassing her about it. I see your point. Thanks for that perspective.

They are only cheap in certain areas...it's very strange. I won't go into too much detail, but they definitely are not 'frugal'. You have to know them to love them, but they are the true definition of 'cheap'.

cheap to their friends,but spent $$$'s on themselfs.

OMG, do you know them???!!!

tell her she owes you a steak dinner at Ruth Chris's

 

[phoenixgirl]

Since you don''t normally exchange gifts, I''d say give her the benefit of the doubt . . . she found the card, realized she''d never make use of it and that you might enjoy going there, and wanted to surprise you with a birthday gift. There''s nothing wrong with regifting *if* the item is in new condition and something the person would like. It''s unfortunate that it had expired, but I bet she found it and realized that if she hadn''t gone around to going yet, then she never would, and she''d better give it to somebody who might use it rather than let it go to waste.

But ugh, I dread getting gifts from my MIL . . . it''s always regifted crap, and I mean crap. Samples of cheap bath products, dollar store fuzzy slippers in a box that''s falling apart, a stained tablecloth that doesn''t appear to have been washed . . . I just take the crap straight down to the basement and put it on the GoodWill pile. Yes, she has financial problems, but she can afford to buy baskets, bags, and tissue paper to present the crap in so she doesn''t have to take the time to wrap it. That irritates me more than the crappy gifts. In her last pile o'' crap she included a bottle of Palmer''s Cocoa Butter to help prevent stretch marks from pregnancy, something I hadn''t thought of. I wish she''d just give me one little personalized thing like that rather than a bunch of old stuff I don''t need.

Do your friend and her husband ever stiff you when paying for a split check? That would annoy me and might explain your husband''s feelings. I hate it when you get stuck choosing between stiffing the waiter or paying your friend''s tax and tip because your friend is mysteriously adding challenged when it comes to a group check.

 

[Girlrocks]

Date: 6/9/2009 7:04:14 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
Since you don''t normally exchange gifts, I''d say give her the benefit of the doubt . . . she found the card, realized she''d never make use of it and that you might enjoy going there, and wanted to surprise you with a birthday gift. There''s nothing wrong with regifting *if* the item is in new condition and something the person would like. It''s unfortunate that it had expired, but I bet she found it and realized that if she hadn''t gone around to going yet, then she never would, and she''d better give it to somebody who might use it rather than let it go to waste.

But ugh, I dread getting gifts from my MIL . . . it''s always regifted crap, and I mean crap. Samples of cheap bath products, dollar store fuzzy slippers in a box that''s falling apart, a stained tablecloth that doesn''t appear to have been washed . . . I just take the crap straight down to the basement and put it on the GoodWill pile. Yes, she has financial problems, but she can afford to buy baskets, bags, and tissue paper to present the crap in so she doesn''t have to take the time to wrap it. That irritates me more than the crappy gifts. In her last pile o'' crap she included a bottle of Palmer''s Cocoa Butter to help prevent stretch marks from pregnancy, something I hadn''t thought of. I wish she''d just give me one little personalized thing like that rather than a bunch of old stuff I don''t need.

Do your friend and her husband ever stiff you when paying for a split check? That would annoy me and might explain your husband''s feelings. I hate it when you get stuck choosing between stiffing the waiter or paying your friend''s tax and tip because your friend is mysteriously adding challenged when it comes to a group check.

Yes they do! Last time the 4 of us went out for drinks, friends hubby paid for the first round, then DH got the second round. When it was time for the third round, friends hubby asked DH is he could get this round too since he was short on cash.

We all went out to dinner (kids included) one 4th of July at a seafood restaurant=not inexpensive. As we sat down to eat, friends hubby LOUDLY stated that he had $90 in his pocket, that was all they were spending, so they better figure out together as a family what they were going to eat. THEN he ordered a stuffed shrimp platter, and the wife and 2 kids split ONE chicken tenders basket. I am not kidding.

Whenever we go out together, we always end up paying more of the tip because they think 10-12% is more than enough, and I used to be a waitress for years and will not leave less than 20% on a check.

We live just a few houses down, and one time they invited us over for a cookout one Saturday afternoon, completely impromtu. As we walked in (with food by the way...we were both supplying food for this cookout), friends hubby asked DH if he could run home and bring a cooler of beer back because he didn''t have time to go to the liquor store. Then don''t invite us over. I do not have expensive tastes, and would prefer to stay at home by the pool having beers and burgers than going out to an expensive restaurant, but I don''t understand people who agree to go out or invite people over to their house and then not be able to afford it. Don''t make plans to do anything then. Say you have other plans.

He is constantly "borrowing" tools, ladders, power tools from DH rather than buying them himself. He borrowed our ladder last year to clean out his gutters, kept it for 3 weeks and then "returned" it by dropping it over the fence into our backyard without thanking us.

They have asked to borrow our cars when their cars where in the shop because they are too cheap to pay for a rental. They have asked us to drive their family to the airport at 4am to catch a flight to Disney because they are too cheap to pay for a hotel for the night near the airport. (By the way, we have declined on these last 2!)

However, their house is to die for, they both have new vehicles, they are dressed to a T, the kids have all of the latest gadgets/cell phones/PS3/Wii, they go to Disney or some other elaborate vacation yearly, etc. So I do not think that it is at all a matter of a financial strain. They are just cheap.

As you can tell, this has happened numerous times, which is why DH is fed up with their cheapness.

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 6/9/2009 11:15:01 AM
Author: musey

Date: 6/9/2009 11:12:33 AM

Author: Missy0483

Wow, you gotta be kidding me! What was she thinking? Imagine if you would have went to the Steak house and tried to use it. How embarassing!

If it were me, that''s precisely what I''d tell my friend had happened

Yep - I would likely do just that. And add that she owes me $50. Or I would just regift it back to her.

 

[scarleta]

You say: "My best friend"

What a horrible thing to do to best friend!!!! If I were you I would find a best friend once more.
Is it possible that she was not even aware of it? Its hard to believe really.
I once was given a gift certificate that expired the day it was given to me.I could not use it because if I was given more time I would have made arrangements to use it.In my case it was just a neighbor who gave it to me so no big deal. She most likely could not go herself or changed her mind last moment so she gave it to me.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Yup . . . they''re cheap. Wow. I vote take her out to lunch to use the card. It makes me quite angry, actually.

And I was never a waitress but I know you leave 20%! I round down from 20 (to, like 18%) for subpar service, and would go as low as 15% for awful service (but conversely I''d regularly go over 20% for a really nice experience), but I just don''t get the people who are like, "Oh, you don''t tip for drinks, and you don''t tip for tax . . ." and all of a sudden they''re leaving some miniscule amount over their bottom line.

One last question . . . without her husband, would your friend be this way? He sounds like the instigator of most of the cheapness . . .

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I''m betting they are in debt up to their ears and the house, cars, and vacations are all on credit. That''s the way they are acting.

I''d take her to Ruths Chris and tell her you''re using the card she gave you. I think she needs to learn that this is not a good idea.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 6/9/2009 11:13:49 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I''m betting they are in debt up to their ears and the house, cars, and vacations are all on credit. That''s the way they are acting.

I''d take her to Ruths Chris and tell her you''re using the card she gave you. I think she needs to learn that this is not a good idea.

This is the best idea yet! Then you can judge by her reaction to this invitation whether her mistake was an honest one.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 6/9/2009 11:13:49 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I''m betting they are in debt up to their ears and the house, cars, and vacations are all on credit. That''s the way they are acting.

I''d take her to Ruths Chris and tell her you''re using the card she gave you. I think she needs to learn that this is not a good idea.

Yup. They are trying to keep up way beyond their means... I''d say, hey I never used that gift card so am taking you to lunch... Then see what she says... I just can''t imagine doing that to a best friend..

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 6/9/2009 4:22:55 PM
Author: Girlrocks

Date: 6/9/2009 1:42:41 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 6/9/2009 11:22:02 AM
Author: Girlrocks
Italia...you''re right, there is nothing to be gained by embarrassing her about it. I see your point. Thanks for that perspective.

They are only cheap in certain areas...it''s very strange. I won''t go into too much detail, but they definitely are not ''frugal''. You have to know them to love them, but they are the true definition of ''cheap''.

cheap to their friends,but spent $$$''s on themselfs.

OMG, do you know them???!!!

nahh... just psychic.

 

[Haven]

I was thinking about this, and I''d like to change my original response.

If my best friend did this, I''d just ask her about it, flat out. I''m sure all close friendships differ in some ways, but come on--your BEST friend gave you a card that expired YEARS ago? I would definitely dance around it or not mention it at all if a friend of mine did this, but my dearest friend? I''d call her up and say "What''s the deal with the five year old gift card? I''m not mad, just really curious about what that was all about."

Then again, I can''t imagine my best friend ever giving me an expired gift card, and if she did, it would be a complete accident. I''m voting she really had no clue, here. Otherwise, that''s just not very friendly.

 

[ficklefaye]

huh?

i can''t believe your best friend would do that to you, but from what you''ve described, it doesn''t seem too far off base from some of her past cheap actions, is it really her or is it her husband that is cheap?

 

[Hera]

Date: 6/9/2009 11:36:54 PM
Author: Haven
I was thinking about this, and I''d like to change my original response.


If my best friend did this, I''d just ask her about it, flat out. I''m sure all close friendships differ in some ways, but come on--your BEST friend gave you a card that expired YEARS ago? I would definitely dance around it or not mention it at all if a friend of mine did this, but my dearest friend? I''d call her up and say ''What''s the deal with the five year old gift card? I''m not mad, just really curious about what that was all about.''


Then again, I can''t imagine my best friend ever giving me an expired gift card, and if she did, it would be a complete accident. I''m voting she really had no clue, here. Otherwise, that''s just not very friendly.

I agree that I would ask her what the deal is. I think it''s getting to the point that it''s interfering with your relationship with them so I think you should address it somehow so it doesn''t continue to build up.

 

[SapphireLover]

I had something really similar. Grandma gave me a cheque for my birthday, I didn''t pay it in for a couple of weeks (left it at my mums house, then getting to bank in work hours was a pain). The bank sent the cheque back to me telling me that it hadn''t cleared as the account was closed. I didn''t know what to do. It was a small amount (Grandma is not a poor little old lady- in her words "I wasn''t born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was born with a diamond encrusted platinum spoon).

In the end I never mentioned it to her and haven''t had anything. Now that I think about it we haven''t got an engagement present either! I''m not holding my breath for a big wedding cheque- and if we do get one, it''ll be cashed that day!

 

[gemgirl]

Date: 6/9/2009 11:21:56 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 6/9/2009 11:13:49 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I''m betting they are in debt up to their ears and the house, cars, and vacations are all on credit. That''s the way they are acting.

I''d take her to Ruths Chris and tell her you''re using the card she gave you. I think she needs to learn that this is not a good idea.

Yup. They are trying to keep up way beyond their means... I''d say, hey I never used that gift card so am taking you to lunch... Then see what she says... I just can''t imagine doing that to a best friend..

I''m afraid I absolutely agree. Ask her to lunch for a girls day out, just you and her, saying that you''re just dying to use that gift card she gave you. It will be very interesting to see and hear her reaction. I think that will tell you whether she knew the card was expired or not.

 

[icekid]

I think I would say something, as well. Most likely in the same way that the eloquent Haven phrased it. This is not an acceptable way to treat a best friend. Sure, it is the thought that counts. But really, did she actually put anything thought into this??

 

[Linda W]

I would talk to her about it. Best friends are supposed to be close and talk to each other about everything. I know I do with mine.

 

[akmiss]

Don''t take it personally and just let it go. A friend is worth more than a $50 gift card..........
Plus it isn''t good to let something upset you when you can easily move past it. And nothing good can be accomplished by "doing" anything.

 

[mysterylover]

Do nothing. Absolutely nothing. Especially on her birthday.

 

[innerkitten]

Since she''s your best friend maybe you should mention it to her. It could have been some sort of mistake. I mean it is really strange but still she''s your best friend and deserves a chance to explain herself right?

 

[Girlrocks]

I think it is more her hubby that is the cheapskate, and it is starting to rub off on her a bit.

So today we were talking, and she was telling me this "unbelievable" (her words!) story.

She just became a grandma 1 week ago, and her daughter received some cloths from her aunt that were the wrong season (you know, 0-3 months winter cloths) from Gymboree. Her daughter took the cloths there to exchange them this morning, and were told there could not be exchanged because they were carried there in 2006! My friend was in an UPROAR that a family member gave her clothing that was 3 years old. Therefore, it leads me to believe that she had no idea that the gift card was that old. The more I think about it, the more I am thinking that they probably received the gift card already expired themselves as a gift, and she just regifted it to me, not knowing that it was expired. I really don''t think she would knowingly give a gift card that was 7 years old.

By the way...my response to her when she was telling me the story today about the cloths..."well, it could be worse, I once received a 7 year old gift card that was expired, so at least she can get a few bucks for the Gymboree outfits from E-bay or a consignment shop".