Quick Divorce Help for Friend

[mom2dolls]

I think it all depends on the state you divorce in.
My sister recently divorced a complete loser who never held a job longer than six months, was a drug addict and used their children against her. She has worked for a city for over 20 years. You probably see where this is going...
She pays him alimony until death, he gets half her retirement and she pays child support even though they share 50/50 custody. Debt is split in half, they had no equity in the house, so fire sale just to be rid of it. All of this in Southern California settles outside of court. Here you better get settled out of court or try very hard before getting in front of the judge.
Freedom is priceless to a lot of people. Your friend may value freedom more than monetary gains.

 

[anne_h]

For this and other reasons I am not comfortable being in a relationship where only one partner brings in an income (assuming both are able to). I would not want to voluntarily leave the workforce, nor support a partner who wanted to either. Speaking only for myself of course.

 

[Elizabeth35]

Just wanted to add---she should spend some time with a financial planner to map out her future.
Someone who can help her estimate her potential earnings and make a retirement plan.

I am assuming from kids ages that she is in her 30's/40's.
She has time to play catch up for retirement.

I would also strongly encourage her to get counseling as she goes through this life change. She needs support so she can help her kids through this and be strong for them. She also may need to work with someone so she understands how she ended up in this situation. And I am NOT blaming her in the least. Just saying that I had to spend time with a counselor as I dealt with guilt and shame for ending up in exactly the situation she ended up in. I spend a lot of time ruminating over past choices and thinking about what I needed in any future relationships.

She is fortunate to be rid of him. She can forge her own future and be happy. In time the financial settlement becomes less important.

 

[Jambalaya]

Reading these responses is fascinating. It's answering my question: Is this a fair deal? And the answer is obviously "yes", contrary to what I thought.

Responding individually in order now...

 

[Jambalaya]

Quickie discussion here on this page for NY government employees:
http://www.osc.state.ny.us/retire/members/divorce/dro_guide/ex-spouse_share.php
And it seems as if Florida's definition of a marital asset is the same in this regard as New York's:
https://www.myfloridalaw.com/asset-debts/dividing-retirement-plans-in-divorce/

Hi Molly, I checked out those links and I see what you mean. Although my divorce state was EQ, in reality absolutely everything was on the table, including everything earned before the marriage. In that state there was nothing that wasn't up for division, no matter when it was earned. Permanent alimony was often granted too. (I didn't have anything like that; the marriage wasn't long enough.) So we ended up with an even 50/50. For some reason I thought this was the norm with retirement accounts, but obviously not. Thanks!

 

[Jambalaya]

Just to give you some insight from the other side, when you are stuck in a marriage that is abusive in multiple ways you get to a point where you don't care if you're poor as long as you are happy. Happiness at a certain point and getting your life back is worth more to some people than money or how fair the divorce is.

There is this saying, money can always be made but time cannot. Maybe this is how she is choosing to look at it.

I agree, StephanieLynn, and fortunately nursing can be well-paid.

You are exactly right in what you say above, about people getting to the point where they don't care if they're poor as long as they're happy. But that's short-term thinking caused by huge current pain - totally understandable, of course. And also, being poor doesn't usually equal happy once the reality of being poor bites - i.e. not being able to save because there's always a bill to pay, and heaven help you in you or your kids develop a medical condition.

I agree about the money/time equation. Also known as cutting your losses. Or, the cost of doing business. i.e. if you get married and have children, unfortunately a percentage of people will end up in this situation and you don't have a lot of control over whether it will be you or not, and that's the cost of doing business. It's a risk, and some risks work out, others not so much. I just didn't realize how risky being a SAHP could be for some. That is a shock to me. I now believe young women need special financial counseling from a young age (eighteen) since they have challenges that men don't face regarding combining childbearing and work, and they also need to know the realities of divorce. For example, they should look at a state's divorce laws before uprooting themselves for a spouse's career. And perhaps some women wouldn't be so keen to tame a bad boy if they had a realistic grasp on the realities of divorce for women. There are too many myths out there about men getting taken to the cleaner's.

I think she should have got a lot more, but obviously I'm a lone voice in the wilderness on that score, so I won't keep flogging a dead horse. I just want to say that when a faithful stay-at-home wife has to pay 12k of credit card debt that her husband spent on his girlfriends, you know it's still a man's world.

 

[Jambalaya]

Freedom is priceless. That said, friends of ours recently got divorced and I was pretty dumbfounded by how things work out as well. At the time, in PA, you couldn’t even go before a judge for 2 years so your options were work it out, wait it out or pay a boatload of lawyer fees negotiating/arguing. I think this waiting period is one year now.

In our friends’ case, the wife ended up making a lot of concessions to avoid paying the lawyer to respond. There wasn’t much to divide but it wasn’t equitable. Like Steph said, she was just happy to be out.

I understand being angry for your friend. Here’s the perfect place to unload it.

Puppmom, I'm glad I'm not the only one to be shocked by how a friend's divorce worked out.

Yes, freedom from a man like that is priceless and she is young enough to get her NP degree and have a good 20 years of higher earning power. She's a little younger than me at 43.

 

[Jambalaya]

I think all you can do is accept her decision and support it.
I had a friend who divorved her lawyer husband and got nothing...but their baby.
He was abusive and said he would try to take the baby if she didin’t give him the house.
She did it his way to avoid the stress of battle. Perhaps your friend feels the same way?

Thanks, Jimmianne. So basically, what happened here is that he threatened her and it worked. Take the baby if she didn't give him the house? I am sure the law would not have let that happen. It takes a LOT for courts to remove a baby from its mother.

Yes, I think my friend had had enough after the past year. That's exactly what happened. Seems it's not uncommon. But I think settling like that because of the short-term stress can lead to long-term regret later on.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I read your response to my post but I have to tell you that I don't think this is a matter of needing to educate women, a lot of women who decide to become a SAHM are fully aware of the financial repercussions but are willing to take the risk.

I am one of those people, I have been home with my kids since 2007 and have had to rely solely on my husband's income all that time. Now if we had split up I would be at an extreme disadvantage financially but I'll be honest, your friend isn't getting a bad deal here like someone else pointed out, I would gladly take it in her shoes. It actually gives her an opportunity to get back on her feet, some women are not so lucky.

It's a huge gamble to leave a job and raise children on one income, like anything else there is risk and reward.

 

[Jambalaya]

Premarital assets aren’t typically included in the division of assets during divorce here. So if you or your spouse comes into the marriage with a pension, an inheritance, or a home, these are typically excluded from the division of marital assets if people go their separate ways (because they are not marital assets - marital assets are things that you both contribute to or that were earned/purchased during the course of the marriage). Plus, in places where there is no fault divorce law, it doesn’t matter how poorly someone may have behaved - marital assets and debts (including credit card debt) are typically divided in half. It means that most people sell the house as few people can afford to buy the other person out. Alimony is relatively rare, but child support is required until the children are 18, and often until they complete university. “Being supported in the manner to which you have been accustomed to” is a bit of an antiquated notion I’m afraid, and I do think women need to consider future earning potential and issues of financial dependency carefully if making decisions to leave the workforce entirely after having children. Things happen, not just divorce, that could leave you vulnerable if you do. I have to admit that I really don’t know anyone who decided to be a SAHM. All of my friends either work full time or part time, mainly because my generation (gen x) isn’t super comfortable with being financially dependent on a spouse having seen from our parent’s generation what that really means. That said, it sounds like your friend has marketable skills. She is a nurse, and provided she didn’t give up her license to practice or fail to get enough clinical hours in to maintain her license while she was off, she should be able to find well-paid work relatively easily. Or perhaps the 3 year alimony is to give her time to get recredentialled. From what I’ve seen where I live, I’d say that it sounds like the division of assets was probably relatively equitable. There are no punitive damages in no fault divorce. I hope she is happier without him, as he sounds like a jerk, and that she and her ex will be able to be amicable co-parents for the sake of the kids.

Thanks, cmd.

I know lots of women who are SAHPs. I agree it isn't a good idea these days, though! Yeah, the credit card thing stunned me. None of the stuff on it was for his wife, kids, or house.

You're in Canada, right? Alimony isn't rare in the States, although it depends on which state, and again the "manner to which you've been accustomed" thing is alive and well here - depending on certain states. That's based on articles I've read over the past few months when my friend asked me to do some research, since I'm quite good at research and she's not that confident with computers.

I read one article by a real snake of a lawyer who said that he has had 100% success rate getting custody and alimony doing the following with clients who are on the wealthier side: Stick it out for a year. Goldplate the kids' lives - private lessons, pony, designer gear, etc, and go on some posh foreign holidays. Then, file for divorce and then manufacture conflict. He said judges will maintain that lifestyle and that they don't want kids in high-conflict tug-of-war family situations so the mom gets custody and he just gets visitation. Unfortunately I can't remember what state this is - might have been anonymous because the lawyer was anon. I'll see if I can find the article.

Yes, I'm sure she will be much happier without him. He turned out to be a total jerk and he didn't seem like that at all when he was younger. Everyone is shocked.

 

[Jambalaya]

I read your response to my post but I have to tell you that I don't think this is a matter of needing to educate women, a lot of women who decide to become a SAHM are fully aware of the financial repercussions but are willing to take the risk.

I am one of those people, I have been home with my kids since 2007 and have had to rely solely on my husband's income all that time. Now if we had split up I would be at an extreme disadvantage financially but I'll be honest, your friend isn't getting a bad deal here like someone else pointed out, I would gladly take it in her shoes. It actually gives her an opportunity to get back on her feet, some women are not so lucky.

It's a huge gamble to leave a job and raise children on one income, like anything else there is risk and reward.

But StephanieLynn, I said to educate YOUNG women about all this, specifically around age 18. Educate them in these realities of these matters before they have made life decisions, because if they had a handle on the picture, they may make different study, career, and partner choices. It's particularly important for young women from homes where the parents aren't divorced and the young woman is quite sheltered. For example, a young woman who has all the information may decide to study something vocational rather than artistic, if she's really got her head around the fact that she may very well have to provide for her children alone. She may decide to have a smaller family, or it may be a factor in foregoing a family and keeping her independence. It's just good to have all this info upfront before your life takes shape, yanno? The "man-gets-taken" narrative is way too entrenched. If I had a daughter in her late teens I would be educating her at this point, for sure.

Agree some women are not so lucky. I'm shocked at some of the tales here.

I knew that being a SAHP was a gamble, but I didn't realize just how much of a gamble. I guess I also bought into the narrative that it's men who get shafted in a divorce.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Jambalaya, I get what you're saying and I see this comes from a concern for what is going on with your friend. Maybe along with the birthing class and all the information you get about the hospital they could also touch on making the choice to stay home and how that will have a long term impact financially and otherwise. Provide resources when it is relevant because I just don't see an 18 year old carrying this information from that age until they start having children.

 

[Jambalaya]

I didn't read all the comments, but I am going through a divorce. I understand her friend. To be free of an emotionally abusive relationship, is a sense of relief and sanity, worth no small amount. Most states are no fault, and poor behavior and even abuse does not affect division of assets. On my side, even though it was my ex who was the cheater and the one who did not fulfill the vows (as well as other stuff I'm not getting into) because we have been married for 20 years he will be getting half my pension, half the value of the house. We are still deciding custody and how much of my retirement fund (that only I contributed to, because he never saved for retirement). The only plus is, because he was unfaithful he cannot apply for alimony.
I have have even worse stories of divorce than the one you relay. Such as my older coworker, who was a stay at home mom who had 3 children with her husband. Her husband was a DA, cheated and treated her horribly. She couldn't find anyone to represent her in her county because of his connections. She was awarded NO alimony, he was late and often skipped paying child support. She ended up put herself through nursing school and worked full time to support her children. It was incredibly hard but she did it and she has 3 wonderful children with their own families.

So really, I am not surprised at all. Be happy for your friend Jambalaya. Financially and emotionally it sucks, but she will be OK.

Thanks, partgypsy. I'm sorry you're going through tumultuous times but I hope you will be much happier after it's all done.

Your DA story is truly awful. Wow. I feel like putting up billboards all over the country warning women that it's not the men who are taken to the cleaner's, contrary to popular belief!

 

[Jambalaya]

Jambalaya, I get what you're saying and I see this comes from a concern for what is going on with your friend. Maybe along with the birthing class and all the information you get about the hospital they could also touch on making the choice to stay home and how that will have a long term impact financially and otherwise. Provide resources when it is relevant because I just don't see an 18 year old carrying this information from that age until they start having children.

Well, like I said, a person might choose a more vocational study/career path if it's sunk in that she may well have to provide for her children alone, rather than majoring in something artistic, say. I'm not saying people should give up on those dreams, but at least have the info. The study/career choices we make an 18 can have a great impact on our lives, and I think women of this age should have the information. They can ignore it or not, but at least they'd have it. I was very sheltered and grew up shielded from any such realities of life. I'd have preferred to know more about these realities, I think.

ETA: As a case in point, my next significant birthday is 50, I've been married, and I wasn't aware until just now with a close friend going through a divorce what a gamble being a SAHP is!

 

[Jambalaya]

I'm not familiar with FL law but when I got divorced in MA ANY 401K, pension, etc that was accrued prior to marriage was off the table. Why should either party be entitled to the others assets accumulated prior to being wed? I 100% agree with this. Only the assets that accumulated during marriage was a 50/50 split. If your state is no fault no one cares who cheated on who, who called who what, etc. You have to step back & look at it objectively. She is not entitled to the french pension nor should she be in my opinion. The point of splitting assets in a divorce is to try to make each party whole again - as they were prior to marriage. I had a pension that rolled over to an IRA before marriage. He was entitled to 0 of that pension $$. Zero. As it should be. The house was not a 50/50 split - we each got back what we put into it & split the appreciation - again being made whole to what we were prior to marriage. I couldn't get back my career... so I found a new one. Ultimately the decision to give up mine so he could chase his was on me. I could have said no.

It's hard to be objective when you are so personally invested emotionally but I don't think your friend is getting taken here.

I don't know how much nurses make in FL but here they do VERY well especially nurse practitioners. Your friend will be fine I'm sure especially with loved ones like you looking out for her.

Kbell, for how long were you married? What I was describing above, regarding 401Ks, was the law only if you had been married over ten years. The thing about being put back the way you were before marriage applies, I thought, to shorter marriages/no kids.

But perhaps it's all changed since I got divorced.

Yes, she has a lot of people looking out for her because she's such a lovely person.

I need to win the lottery so I can give her a few million.

Nice fantasy!

Thanks, Kbell. I have more time now. I just googled about divorce in MA, and I found this quote from this link: https://www.divorcenet.com/resource...perty-division/massachusetts-divorce-dividing

While only property that a couple acquires during marriage is “marital property,” Massachusetts law allows a judge to divide all of a couple’s property in any manner that seems fair, regardless of when it was acquired or which spouse actually owns it--in other words, the judge can divide both marital and separate property.

Perhaps in MA it depends how long you were married. Was it a short/medium length marriage? If so, I'd guess it would be easier to keep assets separate.

 

[Jambalaya]

I don't think it's that bad of a deal.
She doesn't work, and hasn't in (im assuming) 12 years.
She gets a home for her and the kids for 18 more months.
She gets alimony for 3.5 years to get on her feet.

They are splitting all the marital assets/debts equally.

Obviously his behaviour is disgusting, but just because someone splits up doesn't mean you should take them to the cleaners. She gets a lot of time to go back to school or look for a job.

Hi Telephone, you're correct, she's done only the occasional nursing shift since having her first child. She's done more nursing in the last year, though, and her license is up-to-date. (It must be.)

 

[Jambalaya]

It’s a shame she doesn’t live in England My friend got divorced recently, married 20 years +, stayed at home all that time (no kids, he didn’t want any, or her working), and she got half of everything, house, money, and his enormous pension pot.

In the beginning she said she didn’t want anything, (found out he’d never loved her, cheated constantly, just wanted someone to look after him) but I told her she couldn’t live on fresh air, especially as she was in her 60’s, and eventually she listened.

Now at least she can live decently, without worrying about her future.

Austina, wow, your friend never worked and got half? Is that because she's in her 60s and wouldn't have time now to get a career/money of her own? How does her husband feel about the settlement?

 

[Jambalaya]

I would say the deal is within reason--not that we know the particulars.

Alimony for a 12 year marriage is intended to give the person time to get on their feet and boost their salary. Obviously the expectation is that she will work full-time in her given field.
Yes---she may struggle financially, as many (probably most) single moms do.
There is no guarantee that her ex will behave honorably (based on his past behavior) towards her or the children. He may, or may not, continue to be employed and pay child support or alimony. It is possible that he simply disappears if he is not interested in being a parent.
As far as the debt---it is marital debt. Unfortunate and I know that frustration all too well as my ex ran up $40K in credit card debt during our divorce.

Does she have BSN? Her primary goal in the immediate future (obviously after her children) is to get the best paying full-time job she can and to upgrade her education to increase her earning power. Maybe find a job where they will pay for continuing education. Nurses with Masters can earn a very comfortable living.

I was divorced at 49 after 26 years marriage. I was awarded 5 years reviewable alimony. I had recently returned to working FT. I received a little over 12 months before ex managed to get himself terminated. I then incurred $3K in additional legal bills when he filed to halt the alimony while unemployed and reduce it when he became employed. My sons were 18 and 19 when we divorced---he has never paid for a dime of college.

She needs to do everything in her power to increase her value in the marketplace so she can provide for her children.

Thanks for your reply, Elizabeth, and I'm sorry for your frustrating experiences. I agree totally about increasing her value in the marketplace. Luckily she has the option, if she can swing it financially, to get an NP qualification. NPs earn a lot more than RNs.

 

[Jambalaya]

I think it all depends on the state you divorce in.
My sister recently divorced a complete loser who never held a job longer than six months, was a drug addict and used their children against her. She has worked for a city for over 20 years. You probably see where this is going...
She pays him alimony until death, he gets half her retirement and she pays child support even though they share 50/50 custody. Debt is split in half, they had no equity in the house, so fire sale just to be rid of it. All of this in Southern California settles outside of court. Here you better get settled out of court or try very hard before getting in front of the judge.
Freedom is priceless to a lot of people. Your friend may value freedom more than monetary gains.

Wow, mom2dolls, that's so different from the kind of settlement my friend got. Was your sis married for forty years or something? It's insane how varied different states can be on this.

 

[Jambalaya]

For this and other reasons I am not comfortable being in a relationship where only one partner brings in an income (assuming both are able to). I would not want to voluntarily leave the workforce, nor support a partner who wanted to either. Speaking only for myself of course.

After watching my friend, Anne, and reading some of these stories, I can see why!

 

[Jambalaya]

Just wanted to add---she should spend some time with a financial planner to map out her future.
Someone who can help her estimate her potential earnings and make a retirement plan.

I am assuming from kids ages that she is in her 30's/40's.
She has time to play catch up for retirement.

I would also strongly encourage her to get counseling as she goes through this life change. She needs support so she can help her kids through this and be strong for them. She also may need to work with someone so she understands how she ended up in this situation. And I am NOT blaming her in the least. Just saying that I had to spend time with a counselor as I dealt with guilt and shame for ending up in exactly the situation she ended up in. I spend a lot of time ruminating over past choices and thinking about what I needed in any future relationships.

She is fortunate to be rid of him. She can forge her own future and be happy. In time the financial settlement becomes less important.

All true, Elizabeth. She IS fortunate to be rid of him, and looking on the bright side, if this was going to happen it's better that it's happened now (she is 43) rather than in ten years' time, because she has that much more time to re-train/forge a higher-earning path/save for retirement etc. Agree also that in time the settlement becomes less important, and at least she has the NP option. NPs can earn very good money. And yes, I think she goes to a divorce support group, and has had a therapist int he past altho I'm not sure about now.

 

[cmd2014]

Jambalaya, I’m in Canada. Things tend to be a bit more progressive here, so SAHP’s are much less common as relationships tend to be more egalitarian, assets and debts get divided 50/50, custody is typically shared unless something extreme is going on, and alimony is relatively rare (unless the spouse is sick and unable to work). People tend to get married later here too. 27/28 is probably the norm. Under 25 is considered very young. So people tend to be a bit more established when getting married, and often live together first. We also tend to be more secular than the US as a whole.

 

[nala]

For this and other reasons I am not comfortable being in a relationship where only one partner brings in an income (assuming both are able to). I would not want to voluntarily leave the workforce, nor support a partner who wanted to either. Speaking only for myself of course.

This. 100 percent in agreement. I want to add that I chose to have only one child Bc that is all I knew I could ever afford in terms if money and time and sanity. Call me jaded, but I learned early on to only rely on myself.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Jamba--you suggest people should be "educated" at 18. For what? Who is responsible for this? What is taught?

According to your account, your friend was happily married young (20) and started a family immediately. Children ages 12 and 5 years. Begs the question, if you are an unhappy parent/partner and acknowledge infidelity, then why, have more children? Is this where the education you propose lies...like a prenup?

I am confused.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Jambalaya]

Forgot to say who I'm talking to! Hi, Sharon.

1.There is a huge prevailing wisdom that men get shafted in divorce. Myth.
2. Ergo, women do good out of it. Also myth.
3. Young women would be well-served by knowing that it's a myth so they can plan their lives accordingly.

It's a simple idea that young women should be told the reality of divorce outcomes so they make their choices with full knowledge of the realities that can befall them 10,15, 20 years down the line.

I really meant that older female relatives should take some time to clue in the younger women in their families, but now that you've pressed me for a delivery plan, schools and colleges have all manner of life-skills courses. Why not a two-hour segment on this within wider practical-skills/life-skills/financial skills courses that are already taught? Even most adult middle-aged women have no idea until they go through it, and it's really not ideal to find out at that juncture. It's also relevant for young men since some of them become SAHPs too.

If more people knew that being a SAHP was a financial gamble instead of buying into the myths (or the gamble could be choosing a less-demanding/lower-paid career for pleasure because the spouse is OK with that, while they still love you) young people might, for example, choose to start a 401k earlier in life, soon after college, to make up for some of the future SAH years. In turn, that might involve having room-mates until later than otherwise (assuming they haven't found their special someone yet).

This is just one example of the way in which a family-oriented person might structure their adult life differently at the start if they knew that many years of marriage and working inside the home guarantees no share of the marital financial pie at all, decades hence. (Judging by some of the stories here.) And I alrwady talked about vocational/study choices. For example, a young person going off to college might emerge from their Love and Marriage Reality Check thinking, "Hmmm....maybe I'll minor in Management Studies along with that English major."

The realities of divorce don't match the myths, and I think it would be useful for young people to have that information while they are structuring their futures in terms of study and which, if any, financial products to invest in.

No idea about my friend's life choices. I didn't say she married at 20...but perhaps you mean 30, since she's 43 and has been married 12 years and change. He didn't change until 2-3 years ago, when he morphed into a totally different person. Her mother visited recently and saw "the changeling" first-hand. She said to my friend that everyone is as shocked as my friend is. Just goes to show...you never can tell. They were the last couple I would've worried about. He was so in love with her, so sweet, so loving. It's been quite a shock.

 

[monarch64]

If the debt was split I assume they had joint credit cards or that somehow their finances were intertwined (mistake!) If the equity in the house makes up for the cc debt, I'd say that's a fair distribution. The payout of alimony (I think, not sure of FL law) could be some joint retirement or some settlement they reached through mediation. 3 years is plenty of time to get reestablished, yes, even with children.

 

[monarch64]

J, your scenarios seem mostly right. Mine (times 2) would knock your assumptions somewhere into the, what's it called? In Between?

You can't just look at a divorce in which the woman seems SO WRONGED as a formula in which one party gets this, one party gets that. It just doesn't work that way. And even if you FEEL someone's been terribly wronged? Judges don't care. Judges care about the law and dividing assets and custody. Remove emotion from it, like ALL of us who've also divorced have had to. You seem so invested in this. Why?

 

[Jambalaya]

I have to go to bed; I'm dead on my feet.

Invested because injustice sucks and because my friend is vulnerable - she's really sweet and gentle. Her previous boyfriend of eight years screwed her over, too. He and our other best friend slept together, and I'm sick of her getting hurt. These two relationships were her two big ones. She has a beautiful, gentle spirit and some people just love to kick that around. Anyway, he racked up 24k cc debt behind her back and none of it was spent on her, the kids, or the house. It was all spent on women, dating websites, dates and holidays with various women. And furnishing his luxury rental, and boy gadgets. Meanwhile, she's scrimping by and being a great mother, and the kids are fighting so much they reduce her to tears sometimes and she has to cope, and she never, ever has anything nice. He buys nothing but nice things. And she has to pay for 12k of his affairs etc.

Gotta go before I get upset again!

 

[Austina]

@Jambalaya it’s pretty standard here, that in a long term marriage, assets are divided equally. I assume too, that because of my friends age, the length of the marriage, and their assets, a 50/50 split was considered fair.

If my DH & I were to divorce, I would expect to get the same deal. I stayed at home to bring up our son (he worked long hours and traveled extensively) and he recognises my contribution to the marriage in doing this, he doesn’t see it as me getting the easy ride. We’ve always had joint finances, we see our marriage as an equal partnership. The biggest difference though is that he would have considered it a fair division of assets too.

 

[partgypsy]

I'm sorry for your friend Jambalaya. She sounds like a really sweet person. There's just no guarantees in life, and sometimes it seems the trustworthy people are the ones taken for the ride. I'm glad my father drilled into me to always be independent of a man and have my own income. I will give my daughters the same advice, as well as trying to date people of similar socioeconomic and career aspirations (because there are guys out there like Mom2dolls example, and just because you "love" each other is not enough).