Push presents - your thoughts and experiences?

[Autumnovember]

But it's not just a present for you; it is also something special to be passed on to your child in honor of his/her birth.

Is it by definition something that is passed on to the child? Or do some people decide to pass it along?

So if you have a boy, and receive earrings/bracelet/necklace how is that a present that he would enjoy? Besides giving it to his future wife, but who knows if he will ever have a wife. Plus that isn't a present to HIM but to his wife...

I think that's where the broad definition of "family heirloom" comes in - going to your new daughter-in-law, your granddaughter, what have you, has significance too, doesn't it?

Exactly. And I would like to think that it would be special and meaningful for my son to give it to the girl he loves. And I hope that his future wife will hold it as dearly as I hold the things that my mother in law has given me. But most of the treasures she has given me aren't things at all.

Well, hopefully they don't divorce then....

Well I guess I really don't have to worry about it since if you read further up the page, you'll find that I never got a "push present".

It was a general comment in terms of having a son and what would be done with a push present.

 

[AmeliaG]

Now that i think of it, the idea of push presents reminds me of the Dear Abby letter where the guy thanked the girl for sex. She was like, 'How do I respond? I liked it too; I wasn't just doing it for him.' That column cracked me up.

It makes it sound like the only reason a woman would ever have a baby is just to make her husband happy so if she's going to go through all that trouble, she'd better get a big present. When the reality more often is you're glad he appreciates the baby but you kinda like the baby too - its not just about him. So the idea of a present from him to you sounds not unwelcome but a little bit strange.

If both parents want children equally, its hard to deny mothers make the bigger investment and sacrifice in the endeavor. Unlike sex.

Hmmm, interesting. The guys I know who are fathers are very hands-on with their children; especially one couple where the wife was bedridden the last three months of pregnancy - he picked up and handled everything because she couldn't. It may be that the wives see themselves sacrificing more; they don't come across that way at all.

 

[AmeliaG]

My kids are too old for the term, but Mother's Day weekend, 16 years ago, I was pregnant with DD1, when DH turned around on the highway we were driving, and stopped in the same jewelry store we had bought our wrings. He says, "I thought you'd like to pick out your first Mother's Day gift." Whooo Hoo! You bet. I had a very hard time finding what I wanted. until I stopped at the consignment case and spotted a bezel set three stone ring, with a very pretty purple/blue stone. That's how I wound up with my tanzanite ring.

He didn't do that when I was pregnant with DD2, but that Mother's Day, he and DD1 gave me the child charm for her birthstone, then the baby have me the charm for her birthstone for Christmas. (They were very popular 10-15 years ago.) I also got a lovely gold bangle bracelet, so I think of that as my DD2 baby gift.

How sweet! I love seeing couples get excited over picking out their first Mother's Day/Father's Day present. I've had the pleasure of helping a couple of my guy friends pick theirs out. They were so cute! I'm very familiar with this custom-I think its an especially nice one. Of course the one for the year of the birth of a child is much more special than the normal Mother's Day gift.

 

[Bliss]

My father gave my mom a push present for each child so I grew up knowing that it was something men did to show their appreciation for how amazing their wives were as mothers. It was also a special way to commemorate something so meaningful and life changing. I thought it was a common thing to do.

I don't mind the term push present, but why don't they just call it Baby Bling? Anyway, it isn't borne out of an obligation or a woman's desire for sparklies. I think when most men see what their wives went through - pregnancy, birth and then mothering - I think they want to do something big and special for their life partners. I know my DH was in total awe throughout the experience and couldn't do enough, so yeah. I think the hardships we go through really make an impression on them because they have NO idea what it is like to carry a baby to term, give birth and then mother an infant. My GOSH, it is no small feat!!!

DH knew in advance and was hinting about what I would want when I was pregnant. I honestly had such a hard time deciding. Eventually I got a 5.5ish carat eternity ring from IDJ. My mom also gave me a gift - she got my diamond studs halo'd in platinum micro pave to give to my daughter one day, which I love. I wore them during her birth with the intention to give them to her one day to mark the very special bond between us. And I will enjoy wearing them before she grows into a lovely young lady! I can just imagine saying, "Mommy was wearing these diamond earrings when she gave birth to you. I wanted you to have a piece of me before you came into the world and changed my life. When you wear these, remember that Daddly and I will love you forever." AWWWWWWW....brings a tear to my eye! Still working on the speech! Ha!

Heck, we go through so much. I didn't think I could EBF past 3 months, even. It was a huge goal for me because I had such a hard time with oversupply and engorgement. Sorry if it's TMI! DH and I were really really really hoping to make it to the 6 month mark for the baby. Every day was a battle. Many times, I wanted to quit because it was so hard! I hardly slept being the sole provider of nutrition. But we really really wanted her to get the best so we persisted. And I had to cut out dairy. And only eat organic. You need a lot of support and encouragement to get that far... Making it to 3 months was HUGE for me. OMG, so hard.

Anyway, we have made it into 7 months of EBF and counting so DH is "secretly" working with Yekutiel for a celebration sparklie to mark that occasion! Hahahaha. I say "secret" because Yekutiel and DH have been hinting at different possibilities. The truth is, after 3-4 months, I really enjoyed EBF and got into the swing of things so it was not a sacrifice. But DH always says sweet things when I get frustrated or tired as a new mom. He thinks moms are amazing selfless creatures after seeing what I went through. Making it to 6 months was big for us.

Therefore, I am all for Baby Bling and excited to see what EBF Celebration Bling is coming our way! I thiiiiiiink they will be big yummy oval diamond hoops! As hard as everything was, I have found that what the old wise ones say is true. You forget! We already want another one!!! EBF Earrings! A new trend????

 

[Autumnovember]

This is one of those things that I think its important to just remember what kenny always says, "people vary."

There are so so so so many ways for a husband to show his appreciation to his wife for having gone through the 9 months of carrying a child and then delivering. Giving a gift of jewelery is one of them and if that works for some people that's great and its also ok if it doesn't work for others. Think about the 9349374937493879874938749 ways that one can be shown they are appreciated, its a direct parallel to how different everyone is.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Bliss, I have a similar piece of jewelry! I exclusively pumped for almost 12 months and while I was up pumping at midnight one day, watching my husband snore away, I decided I wanted something nice to treat myself for months and months of being chained to a pump day and night. I ended up getting a 3 stone ring from the 1930's from Isadora's Jewelry in Seattle.

 

[Circe]

This is one of those things that I think its important to just remember what kenny always says, "people vary."

There are so so so so many ways for a husband to show his appreciation to his wife for having gone through the 9 months of carrying a child and then delivering. Giving a gift of jewelery is one of them and if that works for some people that's great and its also ok if it doesn't work for others. Think about the 9349374937493879874938749 ways that one can be shown they are appreciated, its a direct parallel to how different everyone is.

Oh, very much agree - it's that "5 Love Languages" thing, in spades. But it is interesting that this one comes in for more disapproval than the "husband expresses his appreciation/love verbally" or "husband expresses love by changing diapers" versions - at least these days! 50 or 100 years ago, I think buying a present would have been far less likely to engender scorn than either of the latter. There's probably a thesis about changing gender norms in there somewhere ....

 

[MissStepcut]

Now that i think of it, the idea of push presents reminds me of the Dear Abby letter where the guy thanked the girl for sex. She was like, 'How do I respond? I liked it too; I wasn't just doing it for him.' That column cracked me up.

It makes it sound like the only reason a woman would ever have a baby is just to make her husband happy so if she's going to go through all that trouble, she'd better get a big present. When the reality more often is you're glad he appreciates the baby but you kinda like the baby too - its not just about him. So the idea of a present from him to you sounds not unwelcome but a little bit strange.

If both parents want children equally, its hard to deny mothers make the bigger investment and sacrifice in the endeavor. Unlike sex.

Hmmm, interesting. The guys I know who are fathers are very hands-on with their children; especially one couple where the wife was bedridden the last three months of pregnancy - he picked up and handled everything because she couldn't. It may be that the wives see themselves sacrificing more; they don't come across that way at all.

Well sure, there's the sacrifice of pregnancy and labor. There's the statistics showing mothers do more housework than fathers. But I was thinking more about the income disparity, particularly in my field: mothers make around 30% less than childless women at the midpoint of their careers. While I do see a trend of fathers being more involved, women still sacrifice more on the average, at pretty much every turn.

 

[jstarfireb]

I agree with Miss Stepcut that even when both parents want a child equally, the work of childrearing is still shouldered more by the mother, and the effect on her career is often much greater than the effect on his. Not to mention the pregnancy and labor aspect of things.

For those of you who don't consider pregnancy and labor a huge sacrifice, more power to you (and lucky you for having an easy pregnancy and labor)...but I do! And I think the majority of women would agree, but that doesn't mean the end result isn't worth it. It's OK to acknowledge that pregnancy and labor are difficult and a sacrifice.

Also, I don't think it matters that the tradition of engagement and wedding rings has been around far longer than this. I still think it's a valid comparison because both are given to celebrate an important life event. Why not create a new tradition?

But despite the fact that I keep bringing up pregnancy and labor as one of the justifications for a gift, I also agree with giving one to celebrate adopting a child too. The arrival of an adopted child should be no less celebrated than the arrival of a biological one.

 

[mrssalvo]

I didn't receive a push present and didn't ask for one. However, I wouldn't have turned a jewelry related gift attached to one or all of my children's births away either I do like the idea and would love to have something to pass down to my children for them to wear or give to their future spouse. If they should divorce like a previous poster commented, well I would hope the young lady would be nice enough to give it back to my son. My hubby was married before and his ex gave all family heirlooms he had given her back. I didn't want them but we are saving them for the children he and his ex had together.

 

[Autumnovember]

I agree with Miss Stepcut that even when both parents want a child equally, the work of childrearing is still shouldered more by the mother, and the effect on her career is often much greater than the effect on his. Not to mention the pregnancy and labor aspect of things.

For those of you who don't consider pregnancy and labor a huge sacrifice, more power to you (and lucky you for having an easy pregnancy and labor)...but I do! And I think the majority of women would agree, but that doesn't mean the end result isn't worth it. It's OK to acknowledge that pregnancy and labor are difficult and a sacrifice.

Also, I don't think it matters that the tradition of engagement and wedding rings has been around far longer than this. I still think it's a valid comparison because both are given to celebrate an important life event. Why not create a new tradition?

But despite the fact that I keep bringing up pregnancy and labor as one of the justifications for a gift, I also agree with giving one to celebrate adopting a child too. The arrival of an adopted child should be no less celebrated than the arrival of a biological one.

Definitely nothing wrong with creating a new tradition...everyone who has gotten a push present or wants them, I wish nothing but happiness for and enjoyment of the gift. I just don't think it is a valid comparison to a wedding ring. Maybe an e-ring? Not a wedding ring.

 

[Fly Girl]

My husband did give me diamond earrings from the mall after the birth of our son 25 years ago. They were a surprise, but the darn things had no sparkle, so I was disappointed in the earrings and lost them not too long after. No tears were shed. It was really nice to get diamonds from my husband after 10 years of marriage, 3 miscarriages, nearly dying from this pregnancy, and an emergency midnight C-section. Our little baby boy has grown up to be a fine young man.

But, when I found PS a few years ago, I finally was able to get diamond earrings that sparkled. A belated push-present, as it were.

 

[iugurl]

I agree with Miss Stepcut that even when both parents want a child equally, the work of childrearing is still shouldered more by the mother, and the effect on her career is often much greater than the effect on his. Not to mention the pregnancy and labor aspect of things.

That may happen more frequently than not, but it is not the rule! I know several SAHDs who do FAR more of the childrearing than the mother does. Granted, I do agree those situations are not the norm.

I think part of the problem of inequality and imbalance in the home, is not helped by such statements.

 

[jstarfireb]

I agree with Miss Stepcut that even when both parents want a child equally, the work of childrearing is still shouldered more by the mother, and the effect on her career is often much greater than the effect on his. Not to mention the pregnancy and labor aspect of things.

That may happen more frequently than not, but it is not the rule! I know several SAHDs who do FAR more of the childrearing than the mother does. Granted, I do agree those situations are not the norm.

I think part of the problem of inequality and imbalance in the home, is not helped by such statements.

I'm not saying that's the way it SHOULD be, just that's the way it is. I don't see how talking about it as a problem contributes to or doesn't help inequality or imbalance in the home. In fact I think it's just the opposite...we need to acknowledge inequality so we can fight against it.

 

[missy]

I don't know- I always think of gifts as something the other person wants to give (or should want to give) and a gift shouldn't be out of obligation though I realize it is sometimes. Ideally a gift should be genuinely wanted to be given and that is what makes it so precious. So how I am viewing the "push" present is that the dh is so full of love and awe for his dw (and the new life that is joining their family) that he wants to express that love in some material way and hence the "push" present. I mean, what works for one couple may not for another and that's what makes the world goes round.

 

[jstarfireb]

I agree with Miss Stepcut that even when both parents want a child equally, the work of childrearing is still shouldered more by the mother, and the effect on her career is often much greater than the effect on his. Not to mention the pregnancy and labor aspect of things.

For those of you who don't consider pregnancy and labor a huge sacrifice, more power to you (and lucky you for having an easy pregnancy and labor)...but I do! And I think the majority of women would agree, but that doesn't mean the end result isn't worth it. It's OK to acknowledge that pregnancy and labor are difficult and a sacrifice.

Also, I don't think it matters that the tradition of engagement and wedding rings has been around far longer than this. I still think it's a valid comparison because both are given to celebrate an important life event. Why not create a new tradition?

But despite the fact that I keep bringing up pregnancy and labor as one of the justifications for a gift, I also agree with giving one to celebrate adopting a child too. The arrival of an adopted child should be no less celebrated than the arrival of a biological one.

Definitely nothing wrong with creating a new tradition...everyone who has gotten a push present or wants them, I wish nothing but happiness for and enjoyment of the gift. I just don't think it is a valid comparison to a wedding ring. Maybe an e-ring? Not a wedding ring.

Fair enough. It is definitely a better comparison to an engagement ring than a wedding ring, based on the amount of time the tradition has been around.

 

[AmeliaG]

For those of you who don't consider pregnancy and labor a huge sacrifice, more power to you (and lucky you for having an easy pregnancy and labor)...but I do!

I think herein lies the difference. For women like Laila619, it didn't, but for other women, it does. So I can see where the perception of push presents would be different.

What's interesting is the one really difficult pregnancy and labor I know of, she was going on and on about how he came through for her. She was bedridden for the last 3 months of her pregnancy and had the delivery from hell where she almost died and she couldn't think straight so he had to pick up the slack and he then had to take emergency leave to take care of her and the baby because she couldn't do either for the first few months. She almost sacrificed her life but you'd never know from hearing her that she sacrificed more - she was more like 'I'm so glad I chose him as my husband''

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think it is a lovely idea to commemorate the birth or adoption of a child with a jewelry gift! However, I also think most young couples can't really afford that luxury. Many of them are taking unpaid maternity leave and trying to make ends meet so they can take as much time off as possible to be with a newborn. I know that will be the case of my daughter and her husband when they have their first child in November. I don't think she has heard of push presents, so I am certainly not going to tell her! But even if she did, she'd rather have an extra week or month off work than an expensive gift. I think it is great for those who can afford it, though! I like collecting heirlooms now to hand down to children and grandchildren!

My husband brought me a dozen roses when I had our babies, and that was a very sweet gift, at least to me! And I do hope my son-in-law at least thinks of that!

 

[AmeliaG]

I agree with Miss Stepcut that even when both parents want a child equally, the work of childrearing is still shouldered more by the mother, and the effect on her career is often much greater than the effect on his. Not to mention the pregnancy and labor aspect of things.

That may happen more frequently than not, but it is not the rule! I know several SAHDs who do FAR more of the childrearing than the mother does. Granted, I do agree those situations are not the norm.

I think part of the problem of inequality and imbalance in the home, is not helped by such statements.

I'm not saying that's the way it SHOULD be, just that's the way it is. I don't see how talking about it as a problem contributes to or doesn't help inequality or imbalance in the home. In fact I think it's just the opposite...we need to acknowledge inequality so we can fight against it.

Just guessing but maybe the backlash is the assumption that the new mother accepts these inequalities as long as she gets a push present when some may see it in her better interest to negotiate with her husband for more equal sharing on the child and home front. Depending on how much extra she expects to sacrifice to raise the child, a push present could be seen as a poor consolation prize-like she's selling herself short.

 

[beesha77]

Had heard of push presents long before ps. I got 1/2 carat diamond earrings after pushing out twins! With my first child we didn't really know about the whole thing though. I did have friends who received gifts from their spouses, but there wasn't the title attached to it that I knew of then.

 

[iheartscience]

I am not a mother. I have never heard of push presents until PS. I don't really "get" them... In my world, most people don't have a whole lot of extra $ when they begin to have kids. (People around here often get married quite young and have kids RIGHT away)

Therefore, I feel as though it would be a financially unwise decision to purchase an expensive present right after giving birth. Purchasing all the stuff for a kid, taking time off of work, hospital bills can add up, so why add the stress of trying to purchase a present during all of this?

For some people, money is no object and a present wouldn't add stress, so I don't think anything bad about it.

The only thing I don't like is the attitude that a few people have (not here, other forums) that moms DESERVE a wonderful, expensive present. That after birth their husbands OWE them, because they gave them a baby. I just don't like that attitude. It is definitely not because I think "moms should give up everything once they have kids" or whatever.

Many people today don't get married or have children until later in life when they are much more financially stable, so a few thousand dollars on a piece of jewelry to celebrate the birth of a child probably isn't a financial hardship. (If it were, I would imagine they'd skip it.) The same goes for engagement rings. Most people (particularly those who are college-educated) don't get engaged until they're in their mid to late 20s, when they're more established in their career. I'm about to turn 30 and most of my friends aren't even engaged yet.

It's so strange to me that people have an issue with the idea of a gift celebrating the birth of a child, but not a gift for the mother's birthday or for the anniversary of the couple. I have no kids, but if I do, I'm positive the birth of a child will be more momentous than the day my mom gave birth to me, and probably the day of my wedding, too.

 

[Autumnovember]

I am not a mother. I have never heard of push presents until PS. I don't really "get" them... In my world, most people don't have a whole lot of extra $ when they begin to have kids. (People around here often get married quite young and have kids RIGHT away)

Therefore, I feel as though it would be a financially unwise decision to purchase an expensive present right after giving birth. Purchasing all the stuff for a kid, taking time off of work, hospital bills can add up, so why add the stress of trying to purchase a present during all of this?

For some people, money is no object and a present wouldn't add stress, so I don't think anything bad about it.

The only thing I don't like is the attitude that a few people have (not here, other forums) that moms DESERVE a wonderful, expensive present. That after birth their husbands OWE them, because they gave them a baby. I just don't like that attitude. It is definitely not because I think "moms should give up everything once they have kids" or whatever.

Many people today don't get married or have children until later in life when they are much more financially stable, so a few thousand dollars on a piece of jewelry to celebrate the birth of a child probably isn't a financial hardship. (If it were, I would imagine they'd skip it.) The same goes for engagement rings. Most people (particularly those who are college-educated) don't get engaged until they're in their mid to late 20s, when they're more established in their career. I'm about to turn 30 and most of my friends aren't even engaged yet.

It's so strange to me that people have an issue with the idea of a gift celebrating the birth of a child, but not a gift for the mother's birthday or for the anniversary of the couple. I have no kids, but if I do, I'm positive the birth of a child will be more momentous than the day my mom gave birth to me, and probably the day of my wedding, too.

I think everyone has said something similar---nobody has an issue with it but its definitely not for everyone.

 

[fieryred33143]

Don't like push presents? Dont get one.

Circe-Dreamer started a "post your push present" thread on SMTB a year or so ago. It's a great thread full of yummy bling I love so many of the rings and jewelry that the PS Moms have chosen. To hear the stories behind them and then watching the young ones grow and in some cases more children introduced to the family is so so special. I remember your loss Circe. It was heart breaking. I didn't know you were pregnant now. A million congratulations to you. If you do choose something to honor your children I know it'll be very beautiful and sentimental. Can't wait to see it added to that thread (just think of me as an enabler)

 

[iheartscience]

I am not a mother. I have never heard of push presents until PS. I don't really "get" them... In my world, most people don't have a whole lot of extra $ when they begin to have kids. (People around here often get married quite young and have kids RIGHT away)

Therefore, I feel as though it would be a financially unwise decision to purchase an expensive present right after giving birth. Purchasing all the stuff for a kid, taking time off of work, hospital bills can add up, so why add the stress of trying to purchase a present during all of this?

For some people, money is no object and a present wouldn't add stress, so I don't think anything bad about it.

The only thing I don't like is the attitude that a few people have (not here, other forums) that moms DESERVE a wonderful, expensive present. That after birth their husbands OWE them, because they gave them a baby. I just don't like that attitude. It is definitely not because I think "moms should give up everything once they have kids" or whatever.

Many people today don't get married or have children until later in life when they are much more financially stable, so a few thousand dollars on a piece of jewelry to celebrate the birth of a child probably isn't a financial hardship. (If it were, I would imagine they'd skip it.) The same goes for engagement rings. Most people (particularly those who are college-educated) don't get engaged until they're in their mid to late 20s, when they're more established in their career. I'm about to turn 30 and most of my friends aren't even engaged yet.

It's so strange to me that people have an issue with the idea of a gift celebrating the birth of a child, but not a gift for the mother's birthday or for the anniversary of the couple. I have no kids, but if I do, I'm positive the birth of a child will be more momentous than the day my mom gave birth to me, and probably the day of my wedding, too.

I think everyone has said something similar---nobody has an issue with it but its definitely not for everyone.

Actually it seems like some people do have an issue with it, and find the idea distasteful somehow. There's a difference between not wanting one/not seeing the point (to me, that=not for everyone) and thinking something's wrong with a push present/whatever you want to call it.

I have no dog in this fight-I have no kids and none planned! I just find the distaste for a gift marking the birth of a child baffling! Maybe it just depends on your family/culture-my older siblings have given/received "push presents" well before I heard the term.

 

[MissStepcut]

I agree with Miss Stepcut that even when both parents want a child equally, the work of childrearing is still shouldered more by the mother, and the effect on her career is often much greater than the effect on his. Not to mention the pregnancy and labor aspect of things.

That may happen more frequently than not, but it is not the rule! I know several SAHDs who do FAR more of the childrearing than the mother does. Granted, I do agree those situations are not the norm.

I think part of the problem of inequality and imbalance in the home, is not helped by such statements.

I'm not saying that's the way it SHOULD be, just that's the way it is. I don't see how talking about it as a problem contributes to or doesn't help inequality or imbalance in the home. In fact I think it's just the opposite...we need to acknowledge inequality so we can fight against it.

I totally agree. It's more valuable, in this sort of discussion, to look at the empirical evidence than to trade anecdotes.

 

[Circe]

Don't like push presents? Dont get one.

Circe-Dreamer started a "post your push present" thread on SMTB a year or so ago. It's a great thread full of yummy bling I love so many of the rings and jewelry that the PS Moms have chosen. To hear the stories behind them and then watching the young ones grow and in some cases more children introduced to the family is so so special. I remember your loss Circe. It was heart breaking. I didn't know you were pregnant now. A million congratulations to you. If you do choose something to honor your children I know it'll be very beautiful and sentimental. Can't wait to see it added to that thread (just think of me as an enabler)

Thanks, Fiery - that really does mean a lot to me. I'm due in November, and approaching the point where I'm starting to rethink a lot of my assumptions - like, I always thought I'd want to follow Jewish tradition, and not get anything in advance of the baby's arrival ... but now that the day is nigh and my friends have expressed enthusiasm about a baby shower, I'm sort of thinking, why miss an opportunity for celebration and joy? There are too few of them in life as it is, and, frankly, eschewing them doesn't make things any better if things don't turn out as planned, anyway. Guess the whole philosophizing over the baby present thing is a bit of an extension of that ....

 

[AmeliaG]

Sorry Circe, I know you like these socially thought-provoking discussions and was contributing as the same.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I applaud you for getting whatever your heart desires - whenever you desire it.

 

[Circe]

I agree with Miss Stepcut that even when both parents want a child equally, the work of childrearing is still shouldered more by the mother, and the effect on her career is often much greater than the effect on his. Not to mention the pregnancy and labor aspect of things.

That may happen more frequently than not, but it is not the rule! I know several SAHDs who do FAR more of the childrearing than the mother does. Granted, I do agree those situations are not the norm.

I think part of the problem of inequality and imbalance in the home, is not helped by such statements.

I'm not saying that's the way it SHOULD be, just that's the way it is. I don't see how talking about it as a problem contributes to or doesn't help inequality or imbalance in the home. In fact I think it's just the opposite...we need to acknowledge inequality so we can fight against it.

Just guessing but maybe the backlash is the assumption that the new mother accepts these inequalities as long as she gets a push present when some may see it in her better interest to negotiate with her husband for more equal sharing on the child and home front. Depending on how much extra she expects to sacrifice to raise the child, a push present could be seen as a poor consolation prize-like she's selling herself short.

This is a really interesting theory to me! The two main camps of disapproval that I've seen in other discussions have been, a) Men's Rights Activists who seem universally embittered against women, and convinced that they're being taken for a ride by them, and, b) the slightly sanctimonious ladies who seem to come from the Good Mothers Are Selfless Mothers camp. Both of those make me deeply uncomfortable, for separate reasons. But this ... this could well be an intriguing case of unlikely allies.

I think I'd still be pro-prezzie, for the same reason I can justify engagement rings: in a world of 70 cents on the dollar, there are bigger battles to fight, and voluntarily rejecting the niceties - the door-opening, the getting-a-seat-when-you're-pregnant, and, yes, the bling - doesn't get us any closer to solutions on the big issues, like workable maternity leave or coverage for women's health issues. But I'm, uh, flexibly pragmatic when it comes to a lot ....

 

[AmeliaG]

I agree with Miss Stepcut that even when both parents want a child equally, the work of childrearing is still shouldered more by the mother, and the effect on her career is often much greater than the effect on his. Not to mention the pregnancy and labor aspect of things.

That may happen more frequently than not, but it is not the rule! I know several SAHDs who do FAR more of the childrearing than the mother does. Granted, I do agree those situations are not the norm.

I think part of the problem of inequality and imbalance in the home, is not helped by such statements.

I'm not saying that's the way it SHOULD be, just that's the way it is. I don't see how talking about it as a problem contributes to or doesn't help inequality or imbalance in the home. In fact I think it's just the opposite...we need to acknowledge inequality so we can fight against it.

I totally agree. It's more valuable, in this sort of discussion, to look at the empirical evidence than to trade anecdotes.

People don't form opinions about a gift-giving occasion like a push present based on empirical evidence; they form them based on their own beliefs that have been shaped by their own life experiences - i.e., anecdotes.

 

[Autumnovember]

I am not a mother. I have never heard of push presents until PS. I don't really "get" them... In my world, most people don't have a whole lot of extra $ when they begin to have kids. (People around here often get married quite young and have kids RIGHT away)

Therefore, I feel as though it would be a financially unwise decision to purchase an expensive present right after giving birth. Purchasing all the stuff for a kid, taking time off of work, hospital bills can add up, so why add the stress of trying to purchase a present during all of this?

For some people, money is no object and a present wouldn't add stress, so I don't think anything bad about it.

The only thing I don't like is the attitude that a few people have (not here, other forums) that moms DESERVE a wonderful, expensive present. That after birth their husbands OWE them, because they gave them a baby. I just don't like that attitude. It is definitely not because I think "moms should give up everything once they have kids" or whatever.

Many people today don't get married or have children until later in life when they are much more financially stable, so a few thousand dollars on a piece of jewelry to celebrate the birth of a child probably isn't a financial hardship. (If it were, I would imagine they'd skip it.) The same goes for engagement rings. Most people (particularly those who are college-educated) don't get engaged until they're in their mid to late 20s, when they're more established in their career. I'm about to turn 30 and most of my friends aren't even engaged yet.

It's so strange to me that people have an issue with the idea of a gift celebrating the birth of a child, but not a gift for the mother's birthday or for the anniversary of the couple. I have no kids, but if I do, I'm positive the birth of a child will be more momentous than the day my mom gave birth to me, and probably the day of my wedding, too.

I think everyone has said something similar---nobody has an issue with it but its definitely not for everyone.

Actually it seems like some people do have an issue with it, and find the idea distasteful somehow. There's a difference between not wanting one/not seeing the point (to me, that=not for everyone) and thinking something's wrong with a push present/whatever you want to call it.

I have no dog in this fight-I have no kids and none planned! I just find the distaste for a gift marking the birth of a child baffling! Maybe it just depends on your family/culture-my older siblings have given/received "push presents" well before I heard the term.

Not the impression I got but I'll def reread this thread, now I'm curious. Where is kenny when we need him?