Proposing with or without the ring?

[Deia]

SIlly question I guess... obviously I would love to see the ring the day he proposes to me!!!!!

BUT....

We are picking it together because he wants me to have my perfect ring

I don''t *think* I want to go out and pick a diamond and a setting etc before he actually proposes to me... I realise I wouldnt see the final product until the day he does propose but I would know that its coming rather quickly and it wouldn''t feel like much of a surprise...

I know he will propose soon (by soon I mean within a few months) but what would be better:

1. Choose the diamond and the setting beforehand and let him pick up the final product and just wait around until he proposes (at this point its quite obvious he will propose within a short amount of time - so maybe not as exciting)

2. Have him propose without a ring and make it more of a surprise (and then go shopping for the ring)

It would be helpful to know how other PS''ers choose to do it or just really if you have any thoughts on the matter

He has asked me to tell him what I would prefer but I''m torn at the moment! Help!

 

[geckodani]

If I could do it again..... I''d pick out the diamond and setting with the man and then just be surprised at when he proposes. The surprise only lasts a few seconds - the ring considerably longer than that!

Or, pick the diamond together, narrow it down to a few settings and let him pick the ultimate one.

 

[i_heart_cushions]

I think it would be nice if he was able to pick out your DREAM ring and surprise you with it- however, the chances of that happening may not be that great. I find that some guys don''t know what their SO''s really want...and a little input from you might be helpful. this would ensure you get the ring you want (keeping in mind you are going to be wearing this ring everyday for the rest of your life) and also reduce some of the stress he might have about making such a big purchase!

My BFF''s now husband thought that all girls wanted a solitaire - but thankfully he asked he one day as they were walking by a jewelry store and she said "I LOVE 3 stone rings!".

My SO thought that a 3 stone ring RB ring was something I would want - until I clarified that I like cushion cuts with pave diamonds.

If you''re worried that the element of surprise will be gone, I wouldn''t worry about it too much. Because once you show him what you like - you still won''t know when he''s going to buy it or how he will actually propose.

Hope you find a solution that you are both happy with!

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Wow this is exactly what we went through.

We first started ring shopping together before getting engaged. We narrowed down VERY quickly that we both wanted an ideal cut diamond. BUT I also found out quickly that he was not ring-detail-oriented... I''d pick up settings I like and ask him if he liked it, and I got "it''s ok" or "I don''t like that very much" or the most frustrating... "it looks like all the others" hahahaha (where of course I could see each one for its individual details)... So our plan became for me to pick out 3 settings that were my favorite, and he''d make the final pick so there''d be a surprise. However, it was really hard to pick 3 because nothing really spoke to me.

Anyway, after shopping a while we kind of sat on it for a while. Of course every girl would love to see her dream ring in her guy''s hand while he''s on his knee proposing... But underlying all this was the fact that I didn''t want him going into huge financial debt over the ring, but we wanted to get married, so I ended up being very honest with him one night at dinner and just told him to make a deal with me - I told him if he''d just promise to put all his thought and energy he was spending on figuring out this ring stuff into just a proposal that was meaningful and "us," that''s all I wanted. I told him we''d deal with the ring together after that. I got him to agree.

A few weeks later, we were at one of our favorite places and he suddenly just bent down and asked me to marry him. I was pretty surprised because it was kind of a public place, but the place is very us and therefore very special. There was no ring, only us, which makes it even more special because you''re not focused on a material thing, you''re focused on each other and the committment you''re making.

It''s funny you made this thread today and I get to respond, because that was exactly one month ago, and tonight we have plans to go to the jeweler we''ve been working with for weeks now. He''s got a slew of diamonds we''re going to pick one from, and he''s got our setting design ready to be sent to the ring-maker guy as soon as we give the go-ahead!

And I''ve loved the process even better because we did everything together and it was a joint effort on what is supposed to represent us.

Sorry for the long post. I just though my story pertained pretty well to yours... I like much more your second choice of no ring and making it more of a surprise of "when," instead of knowing he has the ring in his possession and you''re just on edge knowing it''s coming any moment. Let us know what you decide to do!

 

[Kelli]

I''d pick it out beforehand. It''s no fun telling people you got engaged and then not having a ring to show them. You''ll have to answer too many questions that way! That''s just me though, I''d definitely want to tell them and SHOW them at the same time

 

[laurel25]

I say without the ring because then the proposal is a surprise, but that''s how my proposal occurred, so I''m biased in that direction. I think that even though it kind of sucks to not have the ring on your finger immediately, it does kind of draw out the fun of getting engaged. First you get the proposal and it''s a complete crazy, happy shock, then you get to pick out the stone, then you get to pick out the setting, then you get to WAAAAAAAIIIITTTTT for it to arrive, and then you get this awesome ring to wear. I don''t know, I just have really been enjoying the whole ring design process knowing that when I finally do decide on my setting the ring will be MINE and I don''t have to wait for him to propose.

Plus like strawberries said, it kind of make the proposal more special because it is just about the two of you and the step you''re taking in life and not marred by starring at a piece of jewelry. That''s just my 2 cents though based on how my own proposal happened.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 10/24/2008 12:36:06 PM
Author: Kelli
I''d pick it out beforehand. It''s no fun telling people you got engaged and then not having a ring to show them. You''ll have to answer too many questions that way! That''s just me though, I''d definitely want to tell them and SHOW them at the same time

We thought about this too, which is why we''ve only told our parents and explained that we''re picking it out together. Then when we get it we''ll tell extended family and friends.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 10/24/2008 1:15:22 PM
Author: laurel25
I say without the ring because then the proposal is a surprise, but that''s how my proposal occurred, so I''m biased in that direction. I think that even though it kind of sucks to not have the ring on your finger immediately, it does kind of draw out the fun of getting engaged. First you get the proposal and it''s a complete crazy, happy shock, then you get to pick out the stone, then you get to pick out the setting, then you get to WAAAAAAAIIIITTTTT for it to arrive, and then you get this awesome ring to wear. I don''t know, I just have really been enjoying the whole ring design process knowing that when I finally do decide on my setting the ring will be MINE and I don''t have to wait for him to propose.

Plus like strawberries said, it kind of make the proposal more special because it is just about the two of you and the step you''re taking in life and not marred by starring at a piece of jewelry. That''s just my 2 cents though based on how my own proposal happened.

Ditto!!

It''s been so much fun!

 

[Haven]

We chose the diamond together, and designed the setting together, but the proposal was a complete surprise.

For us, it was perfect.

Our jeweler told me that it would take something like a month longer than it actually would to get the ring in, so I was completely shocked when he proposed because I thought the ring was nowhere near finished yet.

Think about what you want. Either way, it sounds like you know a proposal in coming soon, so for me the risk of not choosing the ring together would completely outweight the advantage of the actual proposal being somewhat of a surprise.

 

[CharmyPoo]

I ask myself the same questions all the time. In the end, I want a ring on my finger when he proposes and I want a ring that I will love.

The way I see it - if we want a FULL surprise, we really should have no idea at all that they are even planning to ask or shopping for a ring. This is the route that most of my guy friends went through. They were generally older (late 20s) and been dating only a few years. On the flip side, my boyfriend and I have been together forever ... we have a really open relationship and we talk about everything. He couldn''t keep the ring shopping a secret and spilled the beans - to me, the complete surprise element is already lost. I don''t mind shopping together and going through the process together because I would be so curious after anyways. I know I won''t see my ring or diamond until the proposal although I am wondering if I want to see it before and fix anything I don''t like. I would like to see the design in advance but I am not sure how the boyfriend feels about that.

I am sure when he proposes I will still be surprised and happy. I think this will be the same for you too.

 

[Carrots]

why you should choose the ring before the proposal:
- you get an idea of the best you can get on his budget
- you save yourself the hassle of having to resetting your stone because the setting or stone is not exactly what you want
- the ring will fit, no fuss of resizing... and
- you get exactly what you want

Let''s face it. Many women wish for the fairy tale. We wish that HE knew exactly what we wanted and for that perfect moment of when to ask... like a DeBeers commercial.

But, in all honestly, men need help... and, for the better part, they''re not afraid of getting it. That''s why they ask their friends/family, go online for resources, and don''t mind us dropping them little hints (of what we want) here and there.

So, if you''re the kind that wants the fairy tale, get off your butt and make it happen.

In my story, I wanted the 1ct cushion micropave Harry Winston. This was fine with me. But, since I insisted on his input, I discovered that he wanted a round solitaire from a reputable vendor. Which was surprise to me, but I was glad that I found out because like everything in our relationship, we look for the best of both worlds. And, in the end, I''m "getting" 2.5+ ct round micropave from well-established dealer and we both love it! It''s perfect. Now, I''m just waiting for the formal proposal. And, I know that will be perfect because I think that he''s perfect.

Thanks for letting me chime in. -- C.

 

[neatfreak]

We picked out the diamond and setting together but I never saw the whole thing put together until the proposal. Trust me it was still a surprise!

 

[Carrots]

Date: 10/24/2008 2:14:14 PM
Author: Carrots
This was fine with me.

Opps... I meant.

"This was fine with him."

He had called several Harry Winstons and got some really great quotes.

 

[carabella]

Why not pick out the stone together then put it in a temporary setting and have the when/where he proposes be the surprise?

 

[MMT]

I would want to be part of picking the ring and diamond out. Then let him propose you with the final product.

 

[IluvEmeralds]

Hi,

For what''s it''s worth, here''s my two cents....or three maybe. My FI is not the "jewelry" type or detail oriented enough to be able to pick out the ring on his own. (Doesn''t mean I love him less....I just accept it as part of him). When we got down to the time to start talking about getting married after being together for 5+ years, my FI knew me well enough that I would want to be FULLY involved in the process. So he told me to go out and find what I wanted and then we would start the process. Good thing too, since we ended up working with a local jeweler on a really INVOLVED custom EC ering and wedding band. We ordered it back in August and it''s STILL not done. My FI''s head would have exploded by this point for sure if he''d been doing this on his own. For us it worked. We agreed this worked for us, and once we have the ring, I''m sure FI will formally "ask" in cute "us" way that makes sense. Either way the end result for us is the same. I get to spend the rest of my life with him, and that''s all that matters.

My best advice to you is go with what works for BOTH of you. If you know that your FFI is not that detail oriented and it will cause you stress to not be involved, then work together to get what you both want. Then work out a fantastic proposal later. The other ladies are right....the proposal is just one moment...the rest of it is the beginning of a lifetime.

Best of luck. Thanks for letting me chime in.
ILE

 

[Elmorton]

I didn't closely read your responses, so forgive me if I'm repeating.

We picked out the ring together and then DH proposed. However, there was a major element of surprise for me because I picked out my setting, which at the store had a pretty large round CZ in it, and then I picked my stone, which is a .62 EC. I photoshopped pics, we held the stone over the setting, etc, so I knew it would be pretty, but I never actually saw the completed ring before it was done.

When DH proposed, he clasped the box (closed) in my hands while he asked, and of course I said yes before I saw the ring - so in a way, it was a "ringless" proposal (oh - and the jeweler had sized the ring wrong, so it was too small and went almost immediately back to be sized - so I spent the first day as an engaged woman without a ring). And I think that proposal was incredibly special and I'm actually glad it was that way - I spent our engagement day looking at my husband-to-be instead of my finger! So there's my vote for choosing the ring later. At the same time, I was completely shocked by how the ring looked when it was actually put together and set. To me, it was more beautiful than I had imagined it could be, and I was very much surprised by the ring even though I'd technically seen the setting and the stone a million times before. It looked so different (in a good way) than the two separate pieces I'd seen in the store. So there's my vote for picking the ring out together and then waiting for the proposal. Either way, you can't go wrong

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Deia, how about creating for your BF a cheat sheet, with the diamond specs you want me to aim for, and the setting you want (or the settings you want me to choose from, if there are more than one), plus metal preference and finger size? That way you have a good chance of getting the ring style you want, but he'll still be in control of the timeline so you get the surprise too.

 

[Deia]

Wow, I have been able to log in all weekend.. I''m so surprised by all the replies!

My BF is not the jewelry type either and if I gave him some hints and tips I still don''t think he''d pick out what I want... reason being he doesn''t like buying something he doesn''t think looks nice and his jewelry taste being quite different than mine makes it hard to work

So I''ve decided we are going to pick the ring together after he proposes... I don''t care if I don''t get a ring at the proposal, I''ll probably be crying so much I wouldn''t be able to see it anyway

 

[dec2410]

My SO knows how specific I am about my jewelry, so when the "surprise element" talk came up...i suggested that he pick and propose with a diamond (i''ve told him my preferences when it comes to the 4Cs) and we''ll pick out the setting together. he seemed to like this idea.

 

[DiamondsforDee]

I picked out the stone and the setting with my FI, but I never saw the finished product until he proposed. I was definitely surprised with how it looked all put together. It was better than I imagined. The proposal was a complete surprise too, despite the fact that I was with my FI when he bought the ring 3 months before he proposed. You may know a proposal is coming in general, but you can still be surprised when it happens. My vote is for getting the ring together before the proposal!