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Pre-pre-proposal question

flicka

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 14, 2011
Messages
1
Hi!!! First time poster here! I am SO excited to have somewhere to talk about this, so I'm sorry if this is a little long! I don't really want to talk to friends or family about marriage and proposal because I don't want them to think I'm jumping the gun or something.

My BF and I have been together for 1.5 years and even though he's my first boyfriend, and I'm his first girlfriend... it's hard to explain without sounding cheesy, but I feel like we got it right the first time :) We haven't ever talked about marriage, but I can see us getting there, and I'm starting to feel like he's finally STARTING to consider that (You know how girls are usually quicker on that ;-) )

Anyways! What I'm here to talk about! Even though we're like pre-pre-proposal, I've still been thinking about it. He's a grad student with just a part time job, so of course he doesn't really have much money at all. I just graduated and got a job, so while I'm not making a lot of money, I am making a lot more than he is. We live in separate cities due to him being in school and it's been that way our whole relationship. He would definitely wait till he's graduated (another year :/ ) to propose, but with his job that still is not a lot of time to save for a ring.

To kind of nudge him along, I've thought about paying for more of his things to help me save a few bucks. So far we've always split everything evenly and paid for our own. The things is I don't want to emasculate him in way, I know he wants to be the one to pay for me and buy me things, but he can't.

I know this isn't a hard hitting issue, or even a big decision to make! But I want some advice on if this is a good idea and it'll help me save, or if it's just a nice gesture. Because if he's not going to be saving for a ring, I have things I need to save for!
 

suchende

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 14, 2008
Messages
1,001
My concerns with this idea:
1) If he ends up just spending the money on other things, you might get upset, because you'll have been subsidizing him. Heck, he may never even notice a change in his financial reality unless you explicitly tell him what you're up to.
2) I think it's a common misunderstanding between men and women that the cost of the ring is the problem: in my experience, it's not the ring cost exactly, but rather the financial security generally that makes buying a ring manageable. Helping him scrape together a ring budget probably won't go far to his overall sense of financial security in the sense of feeling ready to "take on" a wife.
 

merilenda

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 20, 2010
Messages
816
What do you mean by paying for his things? You mean, for instance, when you go on a date, you'd pick up the tab? Or are you meaning that you'd actually be paying bills/living expenses for him?

If you are the party that has more money, I don't see a problem with you picking up the dinner tab more often than him (as long as you're both comfortable with it and you're sure you won't start to resent it even a little). I would be a lot more hesitant to get much more involved in his finances than that, though. I think paying his bills or expenses would cause resentment on both ends.

There's also nothing wrong in talking with him about this and getting his thoughts on the issue! You might talk to him to see if he has a general timeline in mind for saving, or if he's even to that point yet.
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,660
In my opinion men don't put off proposing just because they can't afford a ring. They don't propose because they aren't ready and you paying for things to make it "easier" isn't going to move things along in the direction of an engagement. But it can lead to pressure and bad feelings and misunderstandings about "timelines".

I think you need to be patient, save your money, and not obsess about a proposal. Allow your bf to take care of his own finances so that he can get to a comfortable place on his own.
 

Cabochon1

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2010
Messages
112
flicka|1308106722|2946238 said:
My BF and I have been together for 1.5 years and even though he's my first boyfriend, and I'm his first girlfriend... it's hard to explain without sounding cheesy, but I feel like we got it right the first time :) We haven't ever talked about marriage, but I can see us getting there, and I'm starting to feel like he's finally STARTING to consider that (You know how girls are usually quicker on that ;-) )

........................Because if he's not going to be saving for a ring, I have things I need to save for!

Hi Flicka,

give yourselves some time and don't "cross finance" an engagement ring before you've even talked about marriage once. For now I would just advise you to to enjoy what you have.

Just as a word of caution: While it is easily possible that he feels the way you do about getting engaged as soon as he graduates, it is also possible that he might wish to establish himself before taking such a step. He might also think it's a good idea that you live at least in the same city for a while.....
 

delta_loves_alpha

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 6, 2011
Messages
38
Flicka,

If you haven't talked about marriage yet, don't trap yourself in a situation where you are financially supporting him. You don't want the negative feelings that are eventually going to emerge once you're investing more into the relationship than he is, and you're still not getting the desired outcome (a ring). Trust me, I've been there.

If you really feel like marriage is the direction you're heading, talk about it! A year and a half is long enough that you should be comfortable having discussions like marriage and the future.



-Delta-
 

amc80

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 18, 2010
Messages
5,765
I agree with all of the previous posters. I sort of did this with my ex...and all that happened was he had more money to spend on fun things for himself. It would be different if you had an open conversation about your intentions, but that's not the case here. Give it time. And, as others have said, money is rarely the only/real reason why a guy doesn't propose. If he's still in grad school he probably isn't even thinking about marriage yet. Let him come around naturally, on his own time.
 

Amys Bling

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Messages
11,025
suchende|1308113615|2946343 said:
My concerns with this idea:
1) If he ends up just spending the money on other things, you might get upset, because you'll have been subsidizing him. Heck, he may never even notice a change in his financial reality unless you explicitly tell him what you're up to.
2) I think it's a common misunderstanding between men and women that the cost of the ring is the problem: in my experience, it's not the ring cost exactly, but rather the financial security generally that makes buying a ring manageable. Helping him scrape together a ring budget probably won't go far to his overall sense of financial security in the sense of feeling ready to "take on" a wife.

DITTO! I am concerned that he will spend the extra money he has in his pocket on other things- causing stress and anger that he is not saving for the ring and that you are no longer saving a ton since you have been helping him out financially.

and a big fat ditto to #2. It's not just the price of the ring- it's the ring, wedding, honeymoon, apartment/house, bills, all that comes with getting engaged and married. Until he feels ready in the sense financially and emotionally for all those things that come after engagement, I dont think he will me ready to propose.
 

Amys Bling

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Messages
11,025
amc80|1308153547|2946613 said:
I agree with all of the previous posters. I sort of did this with my ex...and all that happened was he had more money to spend on fun things for himself. It would be different if you had an open conversation about your intentions, but that's not the case here. Give it time. And, as others have said, money is rarely the only/real reason why a guy doesn't propose. If he's still in grad school he probably isn't even thinking about marriage yet. Let him come around naturally, on his own time.

amc- glad you included the personal experience that really backed up my thoughts.. :praise:
 

maebelle

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 28, 2010
Messages
826
flicka|1308106722|2946238 said:
I know this isn't a hard hitting issue, or even a big decision to make! But I want some advice on if this is a good idea and it'll help me save, or if it's just a nice gesture. Because if he's not going to be saving for a ring, I have things I need to save for!
It's already but said, and by your own self as well:

Might as well save for yourself. That way, when he eventually proposes, you'll have a nice nest egg to spend on anything you'd like (Including wedding/honeymoon/wedding bands), instead of the hurt feelings that would occur if he started spending his extra money for "fun money" and not to save towards a ring. I concur that if you are the one who makes more money it isn't crazy to pick up the dinner tab more though!
 

Amys Bling

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Messages
11,025
flicka|1308106722|2946238 said:
Hi!!! First time poster here! I am SO excited to have somewhere to talk about this, so I'm sorry if this is a little long! I don't really want to talk to friends or family about marriage and proposal because I don't want them to think I'm jumping the gun or something.

My BF and I have been together for 1.5 years and even though he's my first boyfriend, and I'm his first girlfriend... it's hard to explain without sounding cheesy, but I feel like we got it right the first time :) We haven't ever talked about marriage, but I can see us getting there, and I'm starting to feel like he's finally STARTING to consider that (You know how girls are usually quicker on that ;-) )

Anyways! What I'm here to talk about! Even though we're like pre-pre-proposal, I've still been thinking about it. He's a grad student with just a part time job, so of course he doesn't really have much money at all. I just graduated and got a job, so while I'm not making a lot of money, I am making a lot more than he is. We live in separate cities due to him being in school and it's been that way our whole relationship. He would definitely wait till he's graduated (another year :/ ) to propose, but with his job that still is not a lot of time to save for a ring.

To kind of nudge him along, I've thought about paying for more of his things to help me save a few bucks. So far we've always split everything evenly and paid for our own. The things is I don't want to emasculate him in way, I know he wants to be the one to pay for me and buy me things, but he can't.

I know this isn't a hard hitting issue, or even a big decision to make! But I want some advice on if this is a good idea and it'll help me save, or if it's just a nice gesture. Because if he's not going to be saving for a ring, I have things I need to save for!

Although he very well may be thinking the same thing as you- the two of you have not talked about this and he has not expressed any ring saving or marriage with you. I wouldn't start paying for all of his things in hopes that the spare cash he has is being saved for an engagement ring. It's a lot of assumming...
 

MBKRH

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 23, 2010
Messages
593
Amys Bling|1308340759|2948597 said:
flicka|1308106722|2946238 said:
Hi!!! First time poster here! I am SO excited to have somewhere to talk about this, so I'm sorry if this is a little long! I don't really want to talk to friends or family about marriage and proposal because I don't want them to think I'm jumping the gun or something.

My BF and I have been together for 1.5 years and even though he's my first boyfriend, and I'm his first girlfriend... it's hard to explain without sounding cheesy, but I feel like we got it right the first time :) We haven't ever talked about marriage, but I can see us getting there, and I'm starting to feel like he's finally STARTING to consider that (You know how girls are usually quicker on that ;-) )

Anyways! What I'm here to talk about! Even though we're like pre-pre-proposal, I've still been thinking about it. He's a grad student with just a part time job, so of course he doesn't really have much money at all. I just graduated and got a job, so while I'm not making a lot of money, I am making a lot more than he is. We live in separate cities due to him being in school and it's been that way our whole relationship. He would definitely wait till he's graduated (another year :/ ) to propose, but with his job that still is not a lot of time to save for a ring.

To kind of nudge him along, I've thought about paying for more of his things to help me save a few bucks. So far we've always split everything evenly and paid for our own. The things is I don't want to emasculate him in way, I know he wants to be the one to pay for me and buy me things, but he can't.

I know this isn't a hard hitting issue, or even a big decision to make! But I want some advice on if this is a good idea and it'll help me save, or if it's just a nice gesture. Because if he's not going to be saving for a ring, I have things I need to save for!

Although he very well may be thinking the same thing as you- the two of you have not talked about this and he has not expressed any ring saving or marriage with you. I wouldn't start paying for all of his things in hopes that the spare cash he has is being saved for an engagement ring. It's a lot of assumming...
Yup. That was one of the mistakes I made with my ex. We were together six and a half years, and NEVER sat down and had a serious discussion about our future. I assumed he was on the same page as I was, but that was a wrong assumption. I kept hoping that he was saving his money for an e-ring, and guess what.... it never happened.


So flicka, DON'T ASSUME. Talk to him, and make sure you're on the same page. Trust me. Otherwise, you'll end up waiting around for a long time and if a proposal never comes about, you'll be deeply disappointed.
 

gem_anemone

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 21, 2011
Messages
682
I would like to add that I have been with my BF for almost 3 years. We have been talking about marriage since day one (see my story here: [URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-introduction.162350/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-introduction.162350/[/URL] :bigsmile: ) but basically a lot of things had to fall into place before we even got close to be ready for the next big step! I think your first big step is to find out how your BF feels about marriage and then go from there. To just assume that if you pay his expenses that he will save for a ring is kinda presumptuous and I would hate to see you get your feelings hurt!
 
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