Home Passion? ( Intimate)

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 2/12/2010 10:38:55 PM
Author: yssie

Date: 2/12/2010 6:38:10 PM
Author: Pandora II
This sounds just like DH and I.

In the past I dated a few people where there was a lot of passion and a lot of DTD, but when I really look at those relationships a lot of it was driven by my fear of losing the person or making up after a row, or because I was wanting some affection and that was the way to get it. They were all rather volatile and unhappy relationships.

DH is probably the only healthy relationship I have really had. We are both very affectionate and tactile with each other, but rarely get round to DTD - when we do it''s great, and we wonder why we don''t do it more often. However we are both happy with the status quo and that is what actually matters. It''s when you have an incompatibility issue that problems arise.

This, exactly.

Me too.

Dh and I have a baby now and I will say that the marital friendship becomes so important at that time, because the sex just won''t carry the day when you are too tired to get boogying!

 

[chiquitapet]

Date: 2/12/2010 2:19:59 PM
Author: radiantquest

Date: 2/12/2010 12:23:31 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 2/12/2010 12:10:00 PM
Author: elrohwen
My DH and I are similar to what you described. However, I think we''re conditioned to think that all other married couples are

every night, when the reality is very different. I think there''s a big range of ''normal'' and as long as you''re both happy and comfortable talking about it, I don''t think there''s anything to worry about.

This exactly. But I will say, when we knew it was ''go'' time for baby making the planets aligned, everything worked like it was supposed to and it was tear your clothes off and go at it kind of hot. I think some of that is probably hormones and subsequently pheromones.

Also, I noted in Smurfy''s thread that you mentioned you had been on Depo for 10 years or so. Have you looked into the sexual function-related side effects? I was on Depo for 5 years and in addition to developing horrible depression that only went away with getting off the shot, it also killed my sex drive entirely. The sex drive was actually what went first for me and then the depression followed. I''m not saying this is the reason, just giving you something else to think about.

You know, I never even considered that. I mean I am 28 and have been on it for 10 years. So since I was 18. Who even knows what they are doing at that age anyway to know if they have passion. That is a good point, but I do not think I would be willing to get off of it. It does make me feel better that we are not the only ones. As long as he is happy with my lack of drive then I guess we are good to go

I think I am going to go to CVS and get some KY his and hers for the valentines weekend though

We used to be ''passionate'' back when we were going out (long-distance relationship will do that to you) but since living together for over 6 years, we very much ''calmed down'' and became ''normal married couple''... Plus the point about contraception is also very important. I was on the pill for about 9 years since I was 19. I have gone off it several months ago, mainly because of migraines, and what a difference it made in the passion department!

 

[Haven]

Date: 2/12/2010 7:07:01 PM
Author: NY Princess
Hmmm, interesting topic.

When I was a newlywed, I wanted to DTD like EVERYDAY! My husband, not so much.... He would say thinks like, we just did it!?! Aren't you tired???? I would get so angry because I felt like I had gotten a dud and there was no return policy!

NOW, eight years and two children later....a clean house, a good book and some Haagen Daz are the things that turn me on! I would rather do those things than the deed. DH, on the other hand, has become Mr. Libido and it's kinda annoying because we are not in synch! Arghhh!

I can relate to your post.

Our passion and intimacy (in the bedroom, at least) seem to go in cycles. We have spells that are really intensely passionate for a few months when it seems like we can't get enough of each other, and then it seems to calm down for a bit, and then poof! it comes back.

I will share that for a while in the beginning of our relationship the passion wasn't really there at all. We had a decent sex life, and strong love for each other, but it wasn't tear-your-clothes-off-can't-get-enough-of-you passionate. This was something that really bothered me at times, I'll admit.

On our honeymoon, however, we found out that it certainly *can* exist for us. I later brought it up to DH that I wished we had that passion more, and slowly we've figured out what we need to do to ignite that in each other. If you feel like you're missing something, then it's worth exploring. DH and I are proof that you can move in the direction opposite what most couples seem to experience--rather than starting intense and passionate and cooling down over time, you can start a bit cooler and end up with a really passionate sex life even after years of being together.

 

[pennquaker09]

If it makes you feel any better, I''m a guy that doesn''t have a very high sex drive. I feel like I''m giving way too much here, but it''s not that important to me. However, I will confess that I was assaulted in high school and that definitely has something to do with it, but even before that, it wasn''t important. Apparently, I''m a rarity in the gay community.

With all of that said, we still have passion, but it''s something I have to work up to I suppose.

 

[Viola]

I''ve been experiencing the same thing, but I''m not on birth control, so that is not what''s causing it for me. I''ve been with my bf for 4.5 yrs, in the beginning we couldn''t get enough of eachother, but for the past 1.5 yr it hasn''t been the same as for our sexlife. We do cuddle, hold hands, etc, we just rarely do the deed. I must admit that it does concern me, and I often wonder what the future holds, because of this. I just seldom feel like doing the deed, which leaves me questioning if we''re right for eacother, even though I love him. He on the other hand is up to it everyday. I''m aware of the fact that intimacy isn''t *everything* in a relationship, but I think that it is a very big part of a relationship.

 

[somethingshiny]

I was still pondering this thread last night and I realized something. When DH and I were dating and newlyweds there was lots more cuddling than sex. We were content to just lay with each other for hours. It''s odd that we are basically completely opposite of the norm.

 

[phoenixgirl]

This doesn''t seem like anything to worry about to me. It''s the same as a couple who likes to stay in most evenings saying, oh, we should go out more . . . but why? If you''re perfectly happy the way things are, then don''t change it! Everyone is different in what they want in a relationship; the important thing is to be well matched.

But I''m wondering about your comment about your DH being upset when you come on to him when you''ve been drinking. Is it upset that you don''t do this more often? In that case, maybe he does want to change the status quo. Or is just on principle that he''s annoyed?

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

DH and I both like to DTD rather a lot, we''re pretty evenly matched in that regard.
The only thing that puts me off occasionally now is that I get pregnant very, very easily. We don''t plan to have any more children, and I certainly couldn''t cope with another miscarriage, so I think that is at the back of my mind a lot. No biggie, but it makes us very cautious about bc, which maybe takes some of the wildness out of it all...

 

[Rhea]

DH and I aren''t well matched in the sex department. He wants it way more often than I do, which admittedly is close to never. I don''t think we ever had that passion, even in the early part of our relationship. I think I''ve only ever that with one other person and I have to admit I miss it sometimes.

 

[honey22]

Have you been on the Depo your entire relationship? Get rid of the Depo and you will get the rip the clothes off before the bedroom passion!!! Trust me. I was on Depo for years and my sex drive dwindled to just about nothing. Same as when I am on the pill. As soon as I stop taking Depo/BCP, I go crazy again.

When it comes down to it, our sex drive is linked to our need to reproduce. If you take away the fertility, you take away the sex drive. You could try a non-hormonal form of BC and see how you go. DH and I use condoms religiously, we have been doing this for years and we have never had even one accident/breakage. They can be totally safe when you are careful.

 

[Dancing Fire]

i''m really

by some of these replies.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 2/13/2010 7:12:45 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
i''m really

by some of these replies.

I''m really not surprised you are reading these replies!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 2/13/2010 7:15:24 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 2/13/2010 7:12:45 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
i''m really

by some of these replies.

I''m really not surprised you are reading these replies!

better than listening to Dr. Ruth.

 

[Lilac]

For us when we first started dating it was much more like the need-to-rip-your-clothes-off kind of passion (although we waited until the wedding night to actually have sex so that was 4 and a half years of frustration kind of pent up and saved for the wedding night!) We were also teenagers when we began dating so that had something to do with it, I''m sure.

Then I started birth control pills and we got married. Now we don''t feel that same *need* all the time like we did when we were teenagers, but it has developed into something else. We make more of an effort because we know it''s important and whenever we end up doing it (during non-stressful weeks that can be 5-6 times a week, but during stressful weeks with a lot going on in school or at work it can be just once a week) but whenever we DO end up doing it, when we''re done we always say, "We should do this more often even when we''re really tired!" Lately we''ve been making even more of an effort to do it more times each week and it actually helps me want it even more and it helps us BOTH feel more passionate on a regular basis.

I am 100% sure that the birth control pills have a lot to do with my lower sex drive. I was fine when I first started them, but over the course of about 6 months it kept lowering more and more until it was almost non-existent. However, DH knows he just needs to put more of an effort into getting me "in the mood" and then I''m definitely receptive to continuing. Unfortunately, I need to stay on the pills for now because we''re not quite ready for a baby yet and also because of other health reasons. So it''s just a matter of putting in more of an effort to get started, because once we start we''re always happy we did

.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 2/13/2010 4:25:45 AM
Author: pennquaker09
If it makes you feel any better, I''m a guy that doesn''t have a very high sex drive. I feel like I''m giving way too much here, but it''s not that important to me. However, I will confess that I was assaulted in high school and that definitely has something to do with it, but even before that, it wasn''t important. Apparently, I''m a rarity in the gay community.

With all of that said, we still have passion, but it''s something I have to work up to I suppose.

I missed your post yesterday, Pennquaker. I''m so sorry to hear this.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 2/14/2010 4:32:04 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 2/13/2010 4:25:45 AM

Author: pennquaker09

If it makes you feel any better, I''m a guy that doesn''t have a very high sex drive. I feel like I''m giving way too much here, but it''s not that important to me. However, I will confess that I was assaulted in high school and that definitely has something to do with it, but even before that, it wasn''t important. Apparently, I''m a rarity in the gay community.


With all of that said, we still have passion, but it''s something I have to work up to I suppose.

I missed your post yesterday, Pennquaker. I''m so sorry to hear this.

Same here Penn

 

[janinegirly]

Nothing else to add since everyone''s said it (and don''t really want to share too much of my own personal info)---but I do have to chuckle at those who say on a bad stressful week, it''s maybe 1x a week. I''m assuming that''s pre-kids or others are really kicking my @$$ int he "passion" dept. Oppps I''ve shared to much already..

 

[April20]

If you''re both on the same page in your relationship, I don''t think you have an issue. I think as long as you keep open communication as your relationship matures over the years, you''re fine.

DH and I are crazy about each other. We are passionate people. And we''re on the same page, so it works. If we weren''t, we''d have a problem.

 

[Jas12]

DH and I are pretty evenly matched, we''ve been together approx. 13 years and still DTD around the same amount we did when we were teens, which is not tons, but consistent. HOWEVER, we could go weeks or months without sex if we had too b/c i think the foundation of our intimacy is friendship. I am confident that if something were to happen to us health wise and we could no longer be intimate in that way our relationship would survive. So while sex is great, it''s not the most important thing, and as others have said, if you are pretty happy with your relationship, you are in good shape. No one is ''rip the clothes off'' passionate all the time, or even some of the time. Sure, try to improve things in that area if you can (can''t hurt, and it''s fun) but don''t stress about it.

 

[radiantquest]

I am glad to hear that for the most part we are normal. I tease him all the time and ask him what he is going to do when I hit my peak. He says that he will try his best to keep up. The V-Day shenanigans were nice. It makes me want to more, but like everyone else said life gets in the way. Even with no babies me getting home at ten and him getting up at 4:30 makes it difficult.

All in all I must say that I feel more at ease about it now. You are right, if we are both happy then dont try to fix something that isnt broken.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 2/14/2010 2:00:17 PM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 2/14/2010 4:32:04 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 2/13/2010 4:25:45 AM

Author: pennquaker09

If it makes you feel any better, I''m a guy that doesn''t have a very high sex drive. I feel like I''m giving way too much here, but it''s not that important to me. However, I will confess that I was assaulted in high school and that definitely has something to do with it, but even before that, it wasn''t important. Apparently, I''m a rarity in the gay community.


With all of that said, we still have passion, but it''s something I have to work up to I suppose.

I missed your post yesterday, Pennquaker. I''m so sorry to hear this.

Same here Penn

Sorry to hear that Penn. People can be total jerks.

 

[divergrrl]

With 2 little mood killers aka kids in the house, our DTD life went from 1-3 times a week (depending on if he was in town or not) but we always DTD at least once a week on weekends he was home, to 1 a month.

Its like a freakin'' period. We both get cranky and then the, ahem, floodgates break. bwhahahahaha.

Sometimes we go 6 weeks.

I used to be passionate.

I used to be creative.

I used to cook from scratch.

I used to flatiron my hair every day.

Now I''m just a Monet. I look great from a distance but up close I''m just a big ol'' mess.

Call me Mommy.

I try so hard to rekindle the passion, and LOOOOOVE it when it''s there, but seriously, the only time DH and I are "passionate" is if we go out of town & get a hotel. I''m just not comfortable enough gettin'' my rocks off with the threat of a my 5 year old walking in having to go potty or get a drink of water. I have a lock on my bedroom door, but still....I don''t want him to HEAR us. Good god.

You are probably less inhibited when drunk (well hell who isnt? ever heard of frat parties? ) and that''s when you let your hair down.

I get drunk with passion from hotel rooms.

DH and I talk about our DTD life and we are both looking forward to a little more frequency, but Im thankful he''s as tired as I am. We love each other, we''re attracted to each other, we''re snuggle bunnies, but for gods sake...let me sleep.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 2/18/2010 1:58:47 AM
Author: divergrrl
With 2 little mood killers aka kids in the house, our DTD life went from 1-3 times a week (depending on if he was in town or not) but we always DTD at least once a week on weekends he was home, to 1 a month.


Its like a freakin'' period. We both get cranky and then the, ahem, floodgates break. bwhahahahaha.


Sometimes we go 6 weeks.


I used to be passionate.


I used to be creative.


I used to cook from scratch.


I used to flatiron my hair every day.


Now I''m just a Monet. I look great from a distance but up close I''m just a big ol'' mess.


Call me Mommy.


I try so hard to rekindle the passion, and LOOOOOVE it when it''s there, but seriously, the only time DH and I are ''passionate'' is if we go out of town & get a hotel. I''m just not comfortable enough gettin'' my rocks off with the threat of a my 5 year old walking in having to go potty or get a drink of water. I have a lock on my bedroom door, but still....I don''t want him to HEAR us. Good god.


You are probably less inhibited when drunk (well hell who isnt? ever heard of frat parties? ) and that''s when you let your hair down.


I get drunk with passion from hotel rooms.

DH and I talk about our DTD life and we are both looking forward to a little more frequency, but Im thankful he''s as tired as I am. We love each other, we''re attracted to each other, we''re snuggle bunnies, but for gods sake...let me sleep.

"Now I''m just a Monet. I look great from a distance but up close I''m just a big ol'' mess."

From Clueless. I''m happy to see someone else also loves quotes from that movie. Cher/Alica Silverstone equaled cinema/video/whatever gold back then. (What, ''95-''98?) LOL

I can''t comment on married sex as I am no longer married and am just 6 months into a really great relationship looking towards that very important commitment. I will say that I think sexual compatibility is key, but it is one of many factors that make or break a marriage or relationship. Benign comment, for sure, but it''s something that is very unique to every couple. That said, I think DG has given a very real glimpse of what married sex is really like.

 

[noelwr]

Date: 2/12/2010 3:30:42 PM
Author: kama_s
I remember doing the deed 4x/day when Mr. Kama and I first began dating!

holy stamina!

 

[Callisto]

Date: 2/12/2010 4:11:58 PM
Author: PilsnPinkysMom

When we actually get around to DTD, it''s far better than when we first got together (the crazy anticipation isn''t there, but the deed is more satisfying). Even so, I often (er, nearly every day?) look at my DH and think, ''I hope he doesn''t want to

tonight. I''m not in the mood.'' But if we DO

I usually think afterwards, ''Why don''t we do this more often?!'' I just. don''t. get. it.


You''re not alone in wondering about waning passion & intimacy in your relationship. I love my spouse, heart and soul, but have to give myself a major pep talk to do the deed. Cuddling and holding hands are always wonderful and welcome, though.


I seriously wonder if hormonal BC is the culprit for these feelings, because I want to want ''it'' more.


Keep the lines of communication open and I think you will be fine. I''ve read from random sources that sometimes you have to force yourself to take that first intimate step, and once the ball gets rolling, you''ll find that you''re enjoying the closeness and intimacy (even if it isn''t rip-your-clothes-off sexay).

I couldn''t agree more. I feel bad that he has to do more work sometimes to get me interested, but then again I know he won''t enjoy it if I don''t enjoy it, and I won''t enjoy it if I''m not in the mood... so oh well...

I''m going on Paragard (non-hormonal IUD) in a few months in an attempt to regain some sex drive. Fingers crossed!

 

[steph72276]

I think passion is a fundamental part of a great relationship. I am glad to still have that feeling towards my husband after 2 kids and being together for 10 years. Yes, it''s more difficult with kids in the picture, but we make it a priority. I think making time to spend just the two of you is so important. Hiring a babysitter so you two can go out on dates and have alone time is an investment in your future together. Yes, our priorities are our children (especially with a newborn in the house) but our relationship is a priority as well.

 

[Laila619]

Date: 2/21/2010 11:14:01 PM
Author: steph72276
I think passion is a fundamental part of a great relationship. I am glad to still have that feeling towards my husband after 2 kids and being together for 10 years. Yes, it''s more difficult with kids in the picture, but we make it a priority. I think making time to spend just the two of you is so important. Hiring a babysitter so you two can go out on dates and have alone time is an investment in your future together. Yes, our priorities are our children (especially with a newborn in the house) but our relationship is a priority as well.

Well said!