Home Passion? ( Intimate)

[radiantquest]

This is a topic of discussion for us because I do not think we have enough. Neither him or I are passionate people. I have never been. Like in movies when you see two people and they cant control themselves and cant wait to get to the bedroom before the clothes start coming off. We are not like that at all. In fact we have never been like that. The only time I am that way is when I have been drinking which isnt often. This upsets him, it is not that I am more attracted it is just the way I am. Anyway, I think that although now it isnt really a problem I worry that it may be in the future. If we dont have passion now what will it be like in 15 years. We rarely make love. It isnt that we are angry or are not attracted to one another it is just that neither one of us are very sexual people. We are definently intimate. We snuggle and show each other affection, but not so much on the love making. We both enjoy it and "get ours", but just down have a need. Is this bad? Am I right in being concerned about this?

 

[Maisie]

I don''t think it''s a problem if you are both happy and comfortable. It sounds like you are very well matched to me. Life is rarely like it is in the movies anyway

 

[elrohwen]

My DH and I are similar to what you described. However, I think we''re conditioned to think that all other married couples are

every night, when the reality is very different. I think there''s a big range of "normal" and as long as you''re both happy and comfortable talking about it, I don''t think there''s anything to worry about.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 2/12/2010 12:10:00 PM
Author: elrohwen
My DH and I are similar to what you described. However, I think we're conditioned to think that all other married couples are

every night, when the reality is very different. I think there's a big range of 'normal' and as long as you're both happy and comfortable talking about it, I don't think there's anything to worry about.

This exactly. But I will say, when we knew it was "go" time for baby making the planets aligned, everything worked like it was supposed to and it was tear your clothes off and go at it kind of hot. I think some of that is probably hormones and subsequently pheromones.

Also, I noted in Smurfy's thread that you mentioned you had been on Depo for 10 years or so. Have you looked into the sexual function-related side effects? I was on Depo for 5 years and in addition to developing horrible depression that only went away with getting off the shot, it also killed my sex drive entirely. The sex drive was actually what went first for me and then the depression followed. I'm not saying this is the reason, just giving you something else to think about.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I have to agree with everyone else so far. I am not an expert by any means, but I really think as long as your needs (or lack thereof) are met and you're happy, affectionate people..you're fine. I think some signs of affection or physical interaction are important for a relationship and it sounds like you do that just in other ways other than sex, but that's just my opinion.

 

[drk]

We''re the same way. Snuggle and hold hands a lot, not so much sex. After 4 years of infertility and having to do it every couple of nights at the "fertile" time for more months than I can count, we actually haven''t had sex in 11 months. Between crazy exam stress last year, then IVF cycles, then ordered to be on pelvic rest when the cycle worked, and just as I was about to try it out again, being ordered to stay on pelvic rest because of early contractions, we just haven''t gotten around to it. I mentioned to DH last night that we could theoretically go for it in the last couple weeks before the baby''s due. He had no interest.
At the very beginning of our dating relationship (we''ve been together over 12 years now), there was a lot more action. And when we were long-distance for 4 years, there was a lot more action when we''d finally see each other again. And on vacations, things were a little more energetic in bed. But a lot of the time, life just takes off, and we''re too tired at the end of the day, or we both have different bedtimes, and it just doesn''t happen.
I''ve got a feeling with baby fatigue looming on the horizon, our dry spell will end up being well over a year long. Neither of us seems particularly bothered by it, so we''re well matched that way, just like you and your DH are. I think it would be far worse to have one very passionate partner, always wanting sex, and the other not so interested. To me, that would have more risk of leading to affairs or tension within the relationship.

 

[TravelingGal]

Pah, it all goes into "comfortable" anyway (which is nice in its own way). TGuy and I were very passionate people...you should have seen us in Europe when we met, and all subsequent visits to each other. But when real life takes over, it''s hard to want to rip someone''s clothes off. When I think to the end of my day now, the delicious anticipation is not about bedding my hubby, but curling up on the sofa with an engrossing book. It may sound sad, but it''s life, and I''m happy to live a real one.

What I find more poignant is powerful is that my husband will still hold my hand when we leave a restaurant and then put his arm around me and pull me close.

However, I can see why people cheat on their spouses...it''s a long long time not to have that thrilling, NEW excitement. I don''t miss dating at all, but part of me does miss the head to toe tingle when you realize that the person who is calling you is HIM.

 

[elrohwen]

I agree with SarahLovesJS that signs of affection like holding hands and cuddling are more important than actual sex. Those are things that bind a couple together and make them a unit. Sex is nice, but I think it''s given way too much importance in society and I think people base too many relationships off of great sex and they eventually end up collapsing when the sex disappears.

 

[radiantquest]

Date: 2/12/2010 12:23:31 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 2/12/2010 12:10:00 PM
Author: elrohwen
My DH and I are similar to what you described. However, I think we''re conditioned to think that all other married couples are

every night, when the reality is very different. I think there''s a big range of ''normal'' and as long as you''re both happy and comfortable talking about it, I don''t think there''s anything to worry about.

This exactly. But I will say, when we knew it was ''go'' time for baby making the planets aligned, everything worked like it was supposed to and it was tear your clothes off and go at it kind of hot. I think some of that is probably hormones and subsequently pheromones.

Also, I noted in Smurfy''s thread that you mentioned you had been on Depo for 10 years or so. Have you looked into the sexual function-related side effects? I was on Depo for 5 years and in addition to developing horrible depression that only went away with getting off the shot, it also killed my sex drive entirely. The sex drive was actually what went first for me and then the depression followed. I''m not saying this is the reason, just giving you something else to think about.

You know, I never even considered that. I mean I am 28 and have been on it for 10 years. So since I was 18. Who even knows what they are doing at that age anyway to know if they have passion. That is a good point, but I do not think I would be willing to get off of it. It does make me feel better that we are not the only ones. As long as he is happy with my lack of drive then I guess we are good to go

I think I am going to go to CVS and get some KY his and hers for the valentines weekend though

 

[elrohwen]

This is slightly off topic, but I was watching ''Teen Mom'' on Mtv and the bf of one girl (and father to their 1 year old) was talking to his friend and said they *only* had sex 1-2 times per week. He said it as if that was almost never! I feel like 1-2 times per week is probably pretty normal, especially when you have a baby (most people with babies probably do it less than that). It was just funny the way he said it and how clueless it made him sound

 

[Smurfysmiles]

We aren't wild sex animals either. Our needs are met, we love each other and do have a great sex life, it just is not a "constant" one Somedays I'd much rather cuddle with dh in front of a fire and watch a great movie together

 

[jewelz617]

My husband and I are honing in on 6 months no nookie.

We have a 20 month old, we''ve just settled into an exhausting move from the South to the North, plus his job has him there 6 days a week 10 hours a day. When he gets home he falls into the couch, turns on the tv and starts snoring.

We are crazy about each other and show affection all the time, but it''s not all hot n'' heavy like it was in the beginning. Money worries, babies, my major battle with some killer post partum depression, stress and no time together has taken a major toll on our love life. I''m hoping we can get back on track soon, but it''s not making or breaking our relationship.

 

[waterlilly]

I listen to a fantastic show on XM radio on my way home from work, it''s called the Dr. Laura Berman show on the Oprah Radio channel. I''ve leaned a ton about healthy sex lives and relationships - and the folks that call in to ask questions hold nothing back! One of the most common things callers ask about is low sex drive in women.
Hormonal birth control can have a huge long lasting effect on sex drive...

You should make a poll:

How many times a week are you intimate with your partner...i think you''d be surprised at the outcome...

 

[winelover23]

I so agree that things are not what they seem behind other couples closed doors! That being said I will also say I struggled w/ a very low sex drive almost all through my 20''s but 30 rolled around and the switch flipped! I agree w/ HH that this could be a side affect of your Depo or just typical hormone related girl stuff. If you''re happy though I don''t see that it''s a problem. Tides change in relationships, that''s the beauty of it. I have a feeling the tide will be high when you turn 30 though

Waterlilly - I

your ring!

 

[kama_s]

A while ago I was wondering the exact same thing. The stress of life, routine, BIRTH CONTROL(!) and just being comfortable in a relationship really does drastically reduce sex life. I remember doing the deed 4x/day when Mr. Kama and I first began dating! But we really don''t miss it at all - like everyone else mentioned, there is a sufficient amount of cuddling to keep us both immensely satisfied.

The one thing I can suggest however, is taking the time to have a make-out session, a la high school. I realized a few years ago that we just don''t get as much heavy make-out/petting sessions anymore, and I forgot how much I loved them! So every now and then, we have a 30-60 min hot and sexy kissing/feeling marathon. Try it!

 

[waterlilly]

Date: 2/12/2010 3:25:10 PM
Author: winelover23



Waterlilly - I

your ring!

Awww - thank you!!

 

[Novel]

I almost never post anywhere except CS but had to come over here and join this thread. This has been on my mind so much lately. I think we both want to

more than we do, but my illness and his terrible professional life get in the way. But this idea of the ripping the clothes off or craving him the way I used to, it bothers me, because its just not there anymore. I love the comfortable and when we do

, its fulfilling and can be hot and all that but its never like the movies. And I guess around Valentine''s Day a girl can start to feel like she just isn''t trying hard enough, you know?

I guess what bothers me most is what TGal was saying, missing that tingle. I worry about where that will go, but I know enough to keep being honest with him and try to be as fulfilled as I can.

Also, re the Depo, I read this the other day and though its about Mirena, it definitely could be applicable here.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Date: 2/12/2010 3:47:25 PM
Author: Novel
I almost never post anywhere except CS but had to come over here and join this thread. This has been on my mind so much lately. I think we both want to

more than we do, but my illness and his terrible professional life get in the way. But this idea of the ripping the clothes off or craving him the way I used to, it bothers me, because its just not there anymore. I love the comfortable and when we do

, its fulfilling and can be hot and all that but its never like the movies. And I guess around Valentine''s Day a girl can start to feel like she just isn''t trying hard enough, you know?


I guess what bothers me most is what TGal was saying, missing that tingle. I worry about where that will go, but I know enough to keep being honest with him and try to be as fulfilled as I can.


Also, re the Depo, I read this the other day and though its about Mirena, it definitely could be applicable here.

That blog entry about Mirena is interesting- I wonder if it''s part of the reason for infrequent love-making in our household.

When we actually get around to DTD, it''s far better than when we first got together (the crazy anticipation isn''t there, but the deed is more satisfying). Even so, I often (er, nearly every day?) look at my DH and think, "I hope he doesn''t want to

tonight. I''m not in the mood." But if we DO

I usually think afterwards, "Why don''t we do this more often?!" I just. don''t. get. it.

You''re not alone in wondering about waning passion & intimacy in your relationship. I love my spouse, heart and soul, but have to give myself a major pep talk to do the deed. Cuddling and holding hands are always wonderful and welcome, though.

I seriously wonder if hormonal BC is the culprit for these feelings, because I want to want "it" more.

Keep the lines of communication open and I think you will be fine. I''ve read from random sources that sometimes you have to force yourself to take that first intimate step, and once the ball gets rolling, you''ll find that you''re enjoying the closeness and intimacy (even if it isn''t rip-your-clothes-off sexay).

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 2/12/2010 4:11:58 PM
Author: PilsnPinkysMom
That blog entry about Mirena is interesting- I wonder if it''s part of the reason for infrequent love-making in our household.

When we actually get around to DTD, it''s far better than when we first got together (the crazy anticipation isn''t there, but the deed is more satisfying). Even so, I often (er, nearly every day?) look at my DH and think, ''I hope he doesn''t want to

tonight. I''m not in the mood.'' But if we DO

I usually think afterwards, ''Why don''t we do this more often?!'' I just. don''t. get. it.

You''re not alone in wondering about waning passion & intimacy in your relationship. I love my spouse, heart and soul, but have to give myself a major pep talk to do the deed. Cuddling and holding hands are always wonderful and welcome, though.

I seriously wonder if hormonal BC is the culprit for these feelings, because I want to want ''it'' more.

Keep the lines of communication open and I think you will be fine. I''ve read from random sources that sometimes you have to force yourself to take that first intimate step, and once the ball gets rolling, you''ll find that you''re enjoying the closeness and intimacy (even if it isn''t rip-your-clothes-off sexay).

I could''ve written this. I feel exactly the same.

I do sometimes wonder if it''s due to birth control, though I was on the same pill when we first got together and we went at it all time. And I''m not really ready to go off the pill because I don''t like the alternatives. Oh well.

 

[lulu]

Other medications, like antidepressants, can also decrease the libido.

 

[Kit]

We are similar to most posters on this thread. We don''t really get around to DTD very often, although ideally we''d both like to do it more, and when on vacations, and in a relaxed stress-free setting with no work, chores, errands, etc...magically we do it more. How strange and shocking...

I just wanted to add that sometimes if you have not done it in a while, it''s kind of like you have to get over the hump and force yourself for lack of a better term--like what Pils was saying. Once you get over the hump, the more you do it, the more you crave it. It''s like a snowball effect or something. So, maybe try biting the bullet and initiating several times in a week and see if that gets you anywhere.

 

[Laila619]

We're pretty frequent but it's more because of DH than me.

I don't have a super high drive. I'm thinking a lot of women don't.

It sounds like you and your DH are a good match though. It'd be much worse if one person wanted it all the time and the other didn't. And you are still affectionate and loving with each other which is the important thing.

 

[packrat]

We

a lot more before we were married and up until our first was born. Of course, back then, I looked GOOD and I was proud of it so heck yeah I wanted to be nakie w/him. Now..2 kids and an extra 40 pounds later, not so much. I''m tired, and I''m on call w/the kids 24/7. He works 2nd shift, and it''s hard to stay awake until midnight or later for him to come home from work, and be ready for

and then to be up by 7 (or earlier if Trapper wakes up) to get London ready for school. When he was working until 2:30 it about killed me. It sucks to set an alarm to wake up for

and try to be excited for it, y''no? Morning nakie was nice for a while-but now the kids get up a lot earlier-and Trapper is a very light sleeper.

We hug and give smoochies and say I love you several times a day. We hold hands when we''re driving or walking, but there''s not been any clothes being ripped off for a loong time. I''m ok with it. I don''t think he is tho. He tries to understand, but sometimes he doesn''t.

 

[somethingshiny]

DH and I are the Movie people. We've been married for 10 years and will still hit a back road when necessary. We have a great and frequent sex life. (which is one reason we were so surprised it took us so long to conceive...) We're both very needy sexually, me more so than him. If it's been a week with no sex, I could completely let him move out and not shed a tear. I NEED sex to feel connected. While preggo with JT, I was on a no-sex diet for most of the pregnancy. It was terrible for both of us and it hurt our relationship.

So, I guess it comes down to this: Passion is great! Sex is fun! But, take either away and we're missing a major part of our marriage. For those who don't require the sex, cuddling still lets you stay connected and strengthens a marriage. Passion is a harder life to live on a day to day basis and seems to be more volatile.



eta~ We hold hands frequently and DH won't let me walk by without touching me. These things don't lead to sex. These are separate tender moments that we share. We really don't "cuddle" though. Spooning is not my thing. There is no touching in bed (during sleep time). Sitting with our arms around each other would just annoy me. I guess I really did have more testosterone in the womb... (the ring finger thread)

 

[Pandora II]

This sounds just like DH and I.

In the past I dated a few people where there was a lot of passion and a lot of DTD, but when I really look at those relationships a lot of it was driven by my fear of losing the person or making up after a row, or because I was wanting some affection and that was the way to get it. They were all rather volatile and unhappy relationships.

DH is probably the only healthy relationship I have really had. We are both very affectionate and tactile with each other, but rarely get round to DTD - when we do it''s great, and we wonder why we don''t do it more often. However we are both happy with the status quo and that is what actually matters. It''s when you have an incompatibility issue that problems arise.

Elrohwen, I had to laugh when I read in your post: "I feel like 1-2 times per week is probably pretty normal, especially when you have a baby (most people with babies probably do it less than that)."

Are you ever right!

I think we had more sex the month I conceived than in the previous year. Since I got KU, we DTD twice - once on our honeymoon because we thought it would be a bit odd not to do it on ones honeymoon!

Since I''ve had the baby we have tried once at 12 weeks PP and our daughter is now 9 months and we still haven''t - a combination of exhaustion and the consequences of a physically traumatic forceps delivery. Honestly I am so glad that my husband isn''t chomping at the bit to get me into bed. I hear of so many women whose husbands are on tenterhooks waiting for the 6 week PP check-up so they can get some nookie. There is no way on earth that would be happening with me and I dread to think what state my marriage would be in if DH and I weren''t so compatible.

I think that people imagine that others are at it far more often than they actually are!

 

[NY Princess]

Hmmm, interesting topic.

When I was a newlywed, I wanted to DTD like EVERYDAY! My husband, not so much.... He would say thinks like, we just did it!?! Aren''t you tired???? I would get so angry because I felt like I had gotten a dud and there was no return policy!

NOW, eight years and two children later....a clean house, a good book and some Haagen Daz are the things that turn me on! I would rather do those things than the deed. DH, on the other hand, has become Mr. Libido and it''s kinda annoying because we are not in synch! Arghhh!

 

[doodle]

I personally like the Samantha Jones quote, "Normal is the halfway point between what you want and what you can get." DH and I both have pretty high libidos, but it goes back and forth. Sometimes, life gets in the way of nookie...and sometimes, screw life. It''s go time! As long as we''re both content though, I don''t worry about it. And don''t even get me started on the inaccuracies of lovemaking in the movies.

 

[Sha]

Yeah, I think life is seldom like we see in the movies. I''ve never been that kind of person at all. My personality is just more controlled and reserved. DH is the same.... we''ve never had that kind of passionate, ''rip your clothes off'' kind of episode. That doesn''t mean we''re not intimate - we are, in different ways (sex, hugging, kissing, talks, teasing etc), and we appreciate our intimacy a great deal. Sex only happens about 1-2 twice a week, but it''s only one part of intimacy, really.

 

[yssie]

Date: 2/12/2010 6:38:10 PM
Author: Pandora II
This sounds just like DH and I.

In the past I dated a few people where there was a lot of passion and a lot of DTD, but when I really look at those relationships a lot of it was driven by my fear of losing the person or making up after a row, or because I was wanting some affection and that was the way to get it. They were all rather volatile and unhappy relationships.

DH is probably the only healthy relationship I have really had. We are both very affectionate and tactile with each other, but rarely get round to DTD - when we do it's great, and we wonder why we don't do it more often. However we are both happy with the status quo and that is what actually matters. It's when you have an incompatibility issue that problems arise.

This, exactly.


FI worries that I don't constantly want to be jumping into bed or ripping off clothes - that I don't find him attractive, which is definitely not the case! I just don't get anything but fleeting physical pleasure from it... cuddling, holding hands, those sorts of affectionate gestures are something I never had in any other relationship, so they're that much more meaningful and emotional for me. But, he sometimes feels like a cushion

Twice a week is our happy compromise..

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 2/12/2010 3:30:42 PM
Author: kama_s
A while ago I was wondering the exact same thing. The stress of life, routine, BIRTH CONTROL(!) and just being comfortable in a relationship really does drastically reduce sex life. I remember doing the deed 4x/day when Mr. Kama and I first began dating! But we really don''t miss it at all - like everyone else mentioned, there is a sufficient amount of cuddling to keep us both immensely satisfied.

The one thing I can suggest however, is taking the time to have a make-out session, a la high school. I realized a few years ago that we just don''t get as much heavy make-out/petting sessions anymore, and I forgot how much I loved them! So every now and then, we have a 30-60 min hot and sexy kissing/feeling marathon. Try it!

there''s your answer...he was worn out yrs ago!!