Parents of toddlers - etiquette advice please!

[TravelingGal]

Diver, why does the responsibility fall on IG? Am I not understanding the etiquette? This woman invited herself to the party!

 

[Mara]

as usual i agree with TG.

IG...NOT your responsibility. this woman is an adult, she invited herself and her child to your party, and you feel responsible for understanding her and providing daycare or whatever? talk about putting pressure on yourself, don''t you have enough to deal with?

i understand she''s a good friend and all but come on, draw the line. it also sounds like she won''t get it unless you are frank and say it''s NOT an event for children. if you would still like to come, then please respect that this is not a child-friendly function.

and gah, seriously another pet peeve is when parents who have children cannot be separated from their kids EVER. i have friends who love time away from their kids because hello that''s normal...everyone needs some alone time now and then, and ESPECIALLY couple alone time. and i have friends who just can''t bear to be separated from bobby or whatever, and i think seriously??? does he come into the bathroom too when you pee?

i''ve already told all my friends to kill me if i become like that 2nd parent group.

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 1/25/2008 2:18:55 PM
Author: divergrrl
two words:

DUCT TAPE.

LOL that is scary I was thinking the same thing but didnt post it!!!
lol
I almost posted 2 teenagers or a roll of duct tape lol

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 1/25/2008 2:47:36 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Diver, why does the responsibility fall on IG? Am I not understanding the etiquette? This woman invited herself to the party!

around here it''s pretty much tradition that if you invite a lot of people with kids that you provide a playroom with supervision.
A lot of parents will kick in a little extra in the wedding gift to cover it.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 1/25/2008 3:11:17 PM
Author: Mara
as usual i agree with TG.

IG...NOT your responsibility. this woman is an adult, she invited herself and her child to your party, and you feel responsible for understanding her and providing daycare or whatever? talk about putting pressure on yourself, don''t you have enough to deal with?

i understand she''s a good friend and all but come on, draw the line. it also sounds like she won''t get it unless you are frank and say it''s NOT an event for children. if you would still like to come, then please respect that this is not a child-friendly function.

and gah, seriously another pet peeve is when parents who have children cannot be separated from their kids EVER. i have friends who love time away from their kids because hello that''s normal...everyone needs some alone time now and then, and ESPECIALLY couple alone time. and i have friends who just can''t bear to be separated from bobby or whatever, and i think seriously??? does he come into the bathroom too when you pee?

i''ve already told all my friends to kill me if i become like that 2nd parent group.

Mara, you are gonna have kill me. There are a lot of people in the attachment parenting world, although/because I am a working mom, every free moment of my time is with my little man. I can''t imagine or want it any other way. I have had no "dates" or time away. And as I don''t judge those that take lots of time away/vacations away from their children, I expect that people would not judge my own choices for my relationship with my son and husband. Just a thought.

Don''t get me wrong on this, Ms. Birdie is overstepping here. I take my little man everywhere, but that means we don''t go to formal dinners: that would be rude to the people around us. I choose to be connected to my son in a close way, and I understand that this impacts my choices in other areas. Ms. Birdie needs to make a decision ''bout the Lil'' Bird and dinner, and it will not involve the little one eating foie gras!!!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/25/2008 3:11:17 PM
Author: Mara
as usual i agree with TG.

IG...NOT your responsibility. this woman is an adult, she invited herself and her child to your party, and you feel responsible for understanding her and providing daycare or whatever? talk about putting pressure on yourself, don''t you have enough to deal with?

i understand she''s a good friend and all but come on, draw the line. it also sounds like she won''t get it unless you are frank and say it''s NOT an event for children. if you would still like to come, then please respect that this is not a child-friendly function.

and gah, seriously another pet peeve is when parents who have children cannot be separated from their kids EVER. i have friends who love time away from their kids because hello that''s normal...everyone needs some alone time now and then, and ESPECIALLY couple alone time. and i have friends who just can''t bear to be separated from bobby or whatever, and i think seriously??? does he come into the bathroom too when you pee?

i''ve already told all my friends to kill me if i become like that 2nd parent group.

Ditto to all. Mara, I never got that either. I really needed to get away, and have my alone time with hubby!!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Mara, you don''t have to worry about that. While I think that you will be head over heels more than you think (I mean, look at the way you are with Portia), you value life balance too much to ONLY be fixated on the child.

I can understand why people love their kids. I''m already in love with mine and it''s not born yet. But it''s like ice cream...I LOVE ice cream. Can eat it all the time. But you have to be reasonable and tear yourself away from the ice cream once in awhile because it''s not healthy to only eat ice cream! One needs to make time for their mate, as well as friends. I know plenty of kid-only focused moms will say their lives are totally fulfilling and they wouldn''t have it any other way, but eating only ice cream and treats can feel fulfilling too...but it''s not good for you!!!

 

[D2B]

Independant Gal, what time is your dinner? As I said in my earlier post, I would assume it would be way past a toddler bedtime. How can she justify to you taking her child along when it is past her toddlers bedtime, which results in a tired and cranky child (which by the way will not be the childs fault if it is tired and misbehaving, as he/she should be sleeping!). how doe this gel in your friends mind with good parenting and a FORMAL function????

I know my 3 year old would have a serious melt down if we kept him up way past his bedtime, in a strange formal envirnoment, served him food he is not used to, and fussed all over him trying to keep him quiet with nothing to play with. I just dont see how your friend can do this to you.
If she brings her child along a babysitter in the next room is the ONLY option for her.

Her decision was to bring the child, then she must be responible and do so in a manner that will fit in with the function she is attending. Otherwise- dont attend. I love my 3 year old to bits, and we go to restaurants,coffee shops, lunches, museums etc with him, but never to a formal evenning? dinner function.

good luck.

 

[door knob solitaire]

Simply Appalled. Too many replies are so stuffed full of PC I am about to scream.

The woman WASN''T EVEN INVITED. SHE NOR HER OFFSPRING. She is a wannabe groupie. This is her second attempt to shoehorn her way into this social tier.

For those of you not fully up to speed...Indys Mom lives in a palace. Her mothers husband has a very important standing in the political aspect of the country. An invitation to this estate must be coveted and a yearned for. There is a level of decorum that should be followed...and in this case this GROUPIE wannabee is completely negating all social graces and is making more stress of these wedding events than you can imagine. This is not the first time this person has bulldozed her way into the inter sanctum.

Indy has for months, if not longer planned two different events to accommodate the differences and locations of the family. Knowing the appropriate times and events and guest lists. This woman has found her way through the divisions and invited herself to what ever she wants to. Now she plans to bring a tiny toddler to a adult only soiree. Lets picture a lavish long formal table with 17 forks and 8 glasses...crystal out the wazoo...formal attire, slick polished floors, a harpist a violinist ( OK, I threw my orchestra in for good measure) FORMAL. FORMAL. People...you got a kid??....you got no sitter...you have separation anxiety or some Freudian idea that 4 hours will damage your kid forever...YOU DECLINE. YOU DON''T INVITE YOURSELF to this swanky event. Stay in your hotel room and bond with yoru kid and purple Barney and live with the decision you made...(as we weren''t consulted in the idea of your parentage).

It does not "take a village" to watch or care for your kid. It is YOUR responsibility. You may be absent from social events for the first 18 years of your kids life...your parents were. Get over it.

I just looked up formal in the dictionary...and there is no mention of diapers or baby wipes. I know that may be a shocker...but there are some places those things need not be included. §

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

My resposne to B''irde''s reply about the highchair would be:

"Thank you for that helpful response, and on any other occasion I would readily agree it would be a good solution, but in this case where it is a long formal sit down dinner, I fear little B''irde would be just too uncomfortable to last the duration of the meal sitting in a highchair. And because she is unconfortable, so would you be. Given that we value your attendance, I must respectufully request that you consider the babysitting option I have provided, or decline the inviation because your and your angel daughter''s comfort might be compromised. I know you will understand and I truely appreciate that you do".

BTW, I will be the only married woman here who prefers the company of her teenage son over her hubbies--and best of all going out without either of them, with my BFF!

Mara--heehhe spoken like a person........who has NO kids!!!!!!!

cheers--Sharon

 

[Mara]

Definitely TG!! I don't think that parents who require time away from their kids love them any less than those who just can't bear to be separated. It might even make them a better parent in certain ways to not be quite so attached...I'm sure some feel that's debatable. I know I will be a fab parent, but I also want to continue to be a good and respectful friend and family member and hopefully not let my mind-set be SO absolutely changed by becoming a parent.

This makes me think of what I think about taking Portia places. I can adore my dog and be absolutely over the moon about her and sure that she is the best behaved and most cute dog ever. But no one else has to think that. And I shouldn't be foisting my super cute, well behaved, non-barking dog on anyone else if they aren't interested. They may not like dogs. Even super cute, well behaved ones. And especially if she's not invited somewhere, I wouldn't ask to bring her.

I know that some feel like you can't even compare a dog and a child but to me LOVE is love so it's a similar comparison. Because your children are yours, they are by defintion, amazingly fabulous. But not everyone else should be expected to think so or behave as such. Time and a place for everything, and in everything has it's place!!

ETA...LOL Sharon I know! But I also thankfully have a fair amount of friends who feel the same way as I do who are parents hehee. So I know I'm not totally out there. And I do enjoy their kids...as their kids. Hehee.

 

[TravelingGal]

Oh, but Portia IS fabulous!!

n Honestly, every time I see her, I wish TGuy was a dog lover. Alas, it is not to be.

DKS, I totally agree. I was reading the posts and thinking (as well as said) that hello? This woman is not invited.

But I''d like to be! IG, can I come to the palace? TTot makes minimal fuss inside the tummy and the only special need I may have is a bib because my gut seems to attract food slop. Think a bib will look classy with diamonds?

IG seriously though...I''ve read some of your threads and posted on others. You are a sweet gal and being very accommodating. But now it is time for me to tell you...seek your inner Bridezilla. A doormat does not work in white.

Sharon, I think some people are just more...aware. My friend was the same as Mara when she didn''t have kids. Now that she has one...guess what? She loves her kid but still is very aware that the world doesn''t revolve around him (her world does, but not everyone else''s). She''s also the only new mom I have ever known to say about her newborn, "I know he''s not the cutest thing, [he wasn''t], but I still think he is cute." Fortunately, he grew up to be the cutest kid that I know.

With my girls get together last night, a lot of the talk was parenting and pregnancy. Honestly, even being preggo I wasn''t that interested. Especially because there was a non mom in the group. That''s why I am so happy to have the preggo thread here. I can post questions and read wonderful stories, but I''m not cornered by it. It''s at my leisure.

Maybe I''m old fashioned...I don''t like imposing on people. The sense of entitlement I see in people these days is kind of scary.

 

[VegasAngel]

Date: 1/25/2008 3:59:04 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
Simply Appalled. Too many replies are so stuffed full of PC I am about to scream.

The woman WASN''T EVEN INVITED. SHE NOR HER OFFSPRING. She is a wannabe groupie. This is her second attempt to shoehorn her way into this social tier.

For those of you not fully up to speed...Indys Mom lives in a palace. Her mothers husband has a very important standing in the political aspect of the country. An invitation to this estate must be coveted and a yearned for. There is a level of decorum that should be followed...and in this case this GROUPIE wannabee is completely negating all social graces and is making more stress of these wedding events than you can imagine. This is not the first time this person has bulldozed her way into the inter sanctum.

Indy has for months, if not longer planned two different events to accommodate the differences and locations of the family. Knowing the appropriate times and events and guest lists. This woman has found her way through the divisions and invited herself to what ever she wants to. Now she plans to bring a tiny toddler to a adult only soiree. Lets picture a lavish long formal table with 17 forks and 8 glasses...crystal out the wazoo...formal attire, slick polished floors, a harpist a violinist ( OK, I threw my orchestra in for good measure) FORMAL. FORMAL. People...you got a kid??....you got no sitter...you have separation anxiety or some Freudian idea that 4 hours will damage your kid forever...YOU DECLINE. YOU DON''T INVITE YOURSELF to this swanky event. Stay in your hotel room and bond with yoru kid and purple Barney and live with the decision you made...(as we weren''t consulted in the idea of your parentage).

It does not ''take a village'' to watch or care for your kid. It is YOUR responsibility. You may be absent from social events for the first 18 years of your kids life...your parents were. Get over it.

I just looked up formal in the dictionary...and there is no mention of diapers or baby wipes. I know that may be a shocker...but there are some places those things need not be included. §

DKS you are right, & you crack me me up.

Indy, Mom lives in a palace? Oh my goodness....

 

[mimzy]

Date: 1/25/2008 3:18:32 PM
Author: strmrdr

Date: 1/25/2008 2:47:36 PM

Author: TravelingGal

Diver, why does the responsibility fall on IG? Am I not understanding the etiquette? This woman invited herself to the party!

around here it''s pretty much tradition that if you invite a lot of people with kids that you provide a playroom with supervision.

A lot of parents will kick in a little extra in the wedding gift to cover it.

strmrdr - i''m not sure if you read the whole thread or not, but not only was this woman not invited, but NO ONE ELSE will be bringing their kids, so there would be no reason for IG to provide childcare. kids aren''t invited, period.

 

[Efe]

Good Lord. This woman suffers from OPD (obnoxious personality disorder) and needs an immediate intervention. What really frosts me is that you are in the position of having to exert this emotional energy because she is being disrespectful and clueless and taking full advantage of you, as you are obviously a nice person. The answer is no. It is a sitter in the other room or nothing at all. Believe me, everyone is going to resent the presence of a toddler at such an event, especially the parents who have made other arrangements for their children. Just slip me her number; I''ll call her and get her mind right.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 1/25/2008 2:25:05 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Ahahaha! So, I got a note back from Birdie. I wrote to her and basically said ''mom and I were thinking that this party is really not going to be toddler friendly, so how about we help you find a sitter and Li''l Bird can play in the next room?'' Which I think is straightforward. And she wrote back saying couldn''t we just get Little Bird a highchair so that she could sit at the table with us?

See, this is why I worded what I told you to say the way I did. Notice, it''s a plain, unquestionable statement, that doesn''t leave near as much room as the highlighted area, which allowed more easily for what she just asked. I''m not criticizing you IG, just pointing out that with some people, you have to almost give a direct order, so as to not leave any wiggle room.

If you''ve not replied yet, just write back and say, I''m sorry Birdie, this is for adults only.

And say no more.

 

[diamondfan]

I love my kids and kids in general but there is NO way I think every occasion is child appropriate. It is one thing if she is your blood, and brings her for a brief time and has a sitter ready to whisk her away...this is NOT the place for a two year old, no matter how well behaved. It is a formal sit down long meal and it is just simply not fair to anyone, including the tot, to have her there. I know of no two year old who would want to sit through a meal like that under ANY circumstance.

I would nicely tell her, Birdie, you know I love X, and of course she is more than welcomed at party 2, but this party, being so formal and so long, is simply not a place where I think she will enjoy being. I really hope you can understand, as this is a 7 course formal dress dinner, it really seems that it would be best for her not to join you.

The honest truth here is that some people can hear and accept that, and some simply bring their kids everywhere no matter what and just cannot fathom how it is not always appropriate. It is not HER party, but yours, and you should be able to gently and nicely state how you feel.

The big question is, if she puts up a stink, are you willing to capitulate or would you then just tell her it would be better for all concerned that she not attend? Would you be willing to pretend that you think she is confused about which party she was to attend so you could just uninvite her nicely? I think an even larger issue for ME would be that she has no boundaries and is inviting herself to things that she was not meant to attend, including hanging out at your mom's house, as if your mom has nothing better to do!!!!!

I would not feel comfortable leaving a two year old with a stranger who could not speak the same language, but I would not have my kid there in the first place...it is not fun for anyone...

ALSO...Having a masters in psych somewhat gives me the impetus to say, let's not confuse the inability or unwillingness to ever go anywhere without your kid as being a "good" or "loving" or "devoted" parent. It can often be an unhealthy, enmeshed attachment. Moms and kids need their own time, time away, to gain independence. Please know I am NOT referring to a working mom who does spend time away to work and then makes a concerted effort to spend free time with their children, I think that is fine. And note also I am not finding fault with anyone who says I work a lot so in my free time this is what I want, but I am not taking my kid, angel though s/he is, to the opera and or crashing someone's formal party. I think some people confuse quantity for quality, and not being away from a child really, in the long run, is not the most ideal thing. It can create such interdependency issues that then must be undone later on!

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 1/25/2008 3:59:04 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
Simply Appalled. Too many replies are so stuffed full of PC I am about to scream.

The woman WASN''T EVEN INVITED. SHE NOR HER OFFSPRING. She is a wannabe groupie. This is her second attempt to shoehorn her way into this social tier.

For those of you not fully up to speed...Indys Mom lives in a palace. Her mothers husband has a very important standing in the political aspect of the country. An invitation to this estate must be coveted and a yearned for. There is a level of decorum that should be followed...and in this case this GROUPIE wannabee is completely negating all social graces and is making more stress of these wedding events than you can imagine. This is not the first time this person has bulldozed her way into the inter sanctum.

Indy has for months, if not longer planned two different events to accommodate the differences and locations of the family. Knowing the appropriate times and events and guest lists. This woman has found her way through the divisions and invited herself to what ever she wants to. Now she plans to bring a tiny toddler to a adult only soiree. Lets picture a lavish long formal table with 17 forks and 8 glasses...crystal out the wazoo...formal attire, slick polished floors, a harpist a violinist ( OK, I threw my orchestra in for good measure) FORMAL. FORMAL. People...you got a kid??....you got no sitter...you have separation anxiety or some Freudian idea that 4 hours will damage your kid forever...YOU DECLINE. YOU DON''T INVITE YOURSELF to this swanky event. Stay in your hotel room and bond with yoru kid and purple Barney and live with the decision you made...(as we weren''t consulted in the idea of your parentage).

It does not ''take a village'' to watch or care for your kid. It is YOUR responsibility. You may be absent from social events for the first 18 years of your kids life...your parents were. Get over it.

I just looked up formal in the dictionary...and there is no mention of diapers or baby wipes. I know that may be a shocker...but there are some places those things need not be included. §

my first post was much more polite and not direct enough. door knob, i so agree with you! she wasn''t invited, needs to be told so, and everyone moves on.

movie zombie

ps asking about staying with your mother after the event?! geez..........

 

[neatfreak]

Indy,

Don''t feel bad about this! It''s not your fault at all and you are already being much more gracious that I would have ever been. IMO it is not your responsibility to pay for her childcare.

As even LitChick mentioned, if she''s an attached parent and feels that she can''t go anywhere without her, then she should know that this isn''t an appropriate occasion and shouldn''t be coming at all. Period. Otherwise she should be prepared to leave her kid with a sitter.

Just be direct and firm and you''ll be ok. You are in the right here 100%.

 

[hlmr]

IG, I assume this is a friend of yours, someone you have known for a long time? If that is the case, I would contact Birdie and tell her that as much as you value her friendship, and think little birdie is the cutest, WP1 is for the adults, but you look forward to spending time with them at WP2. She should understand that if she is going to invite herself to a party, she may have to make concessions, such as leaving her daughter with a sitter. Not too much to ask in my opinion.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 1/25/2008 5:35:51 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 1/25/2008 2:25:05 PM

Author: Independent Gal

Ahahaha! So, I got a note back from Birdie. I wrote to her and basically said ''mom and I were thinking that this party is really not going to be toddler friendly, so how about we help you find a sitter and Li''l Bird can play in the next room?'' Which I think is straightforward. And she wrote back saying couldn''t we just get Little Bird a highchair so that she could sit at the table with us?

See, this is why I worded what I told you to say the way I did. Notice, it''s a plain, unquestionable statement, that doesn''t leave near as much room as the highlighted area, which allowed more easily for what she just asked. I''m not criticizing you IG, just pointing out that with some people, you have to almost give a direct order, so as to not leave any wiggle room.


If you''ve not replied yet, just write back and say, I''m sorry Birdie, this is for adults only.


And say no more.

She is being purposely obtuse. Highchair is NOT the point. Over and out. Reply and say, Unfortunately, as I told you, this is not going to be an event with any children in attendance. If you feel you cannot leave her to come, I will certainly not be offended in any way.

Horror thought, what if she just BRINGS HER ANYWAY AND SHOWS UP THAT NIGHT?

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/25/2008 5:35:51 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 1/25/2008 2:25:05 PM

Author: Independent Gal

Ahahaha! So, I got a note back from Birdie. I wrote to her and basically said ''mom and I were thinking that this party is really not going to be toddler friendly, so how about we help you find a sitter and Li''l Bird can play in the next room?'' Which I think is straightforward. And she wrote back saying couldn''t we just get Little Bird a highchair so that she could sit at the table with us?

See, this is why I worded what I told you to say the way I did. Notice, it''s a plain, unquestionable statement, that doesn''t leave near as much room as the highlighted area, which allowed more easily for what she just asked. I''m not criticizing you IG, just pointing out that with some people, you have to almost give a direct order, so as to not leave any wiggle room.


If you''ve not replied yet, just write back and say, I''m sorry Birdie, this is for adults only.


And say no more.

I agree-this doesn''t seem like a woman you can beat about the bush with-just give it to her straight. I think anything less than "toddler can''t come" and she''ll be trying to get the babe invited. I really feel for you though. It''s a very awkward thing to have to deal with. But in saying that, this woman did invite herself. I don''t think it should be up to you to pay for a sitter for her. She invited herself, she pays for the sitter.

 

[movie zombie]

geez, now i'm getting as upset at Mara! no, we can't get a highchair. its real clear and simple: NO. it is an ADULT PARTY and highchairs are not part of the seating plan.

eta: its an ADULT PARTY TO WHICH SHE WASN'T INVITED. she needs to know there are no seating arrangements for any of the birdies.

movie zombie

 

[LitigatorChick]

Yikes!!! Okay, folks, we all agree - Birdie is out of line. Way out of line. No bambinos at swanky palace dinner.

But let''s lay off the parents that do follow attachment parenting, that do feel that this is a healthy way to raise your child, and do not feel that their chicklets will need psychotherapy because of their Freudien/Barney (how did Barney get involved?) problems in the future.

Birdie may feel that she never ever ever wants to be away from the wee bird (I don''t know, can''t say), but let''s not label her, and others that follow attachment parenting as some sort of freaks. I don''t label parents that go on vacations without their infants as non caring heartless people. Let''s not judge a person''s choice of parenting style.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 1/25/2008 6:04:09 PM
Author: diamondfan


She is being purposely obtuse. Highchair is NOT the point. Over and out. Reply and say, Unfortunately, as I told you, this is not going to be an event with any children in attendance. If you feel you cannot leave her to come, I will certainly not be offended in any way.

Horror thought, what if she just BRINGS HER ANYWAY AND SHOWS UP THAT NIGHT?

Would anyone really do that?


Is this a stupid question? Honestly, I would think not, but then, I would never invite myself some place, and wouldn''t even entertain the thought of bringing a toddler (also uninvited) to a social event such as this.




We attended a family wedding in Chicago last summer. Seating was limited, and it was a very expensive affair. No kids. One of the couples invited (also family) wouldn''t come because their kids weren''t invited....And they were FROM Chicago, not like they traveled there and had no sitter.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 1/25/2008 5:57:17 PM
Author: hlmr
IG, I assume this is a friend of yours, someone you have known for a long time? If that is the case, I would contact Birdie and tell her that as much as you value her friendship, and think little birdie is the cutest, WP1 is for the adults, but you look forward to spending time with them at WP2. She should understand that if she is going to invite herself to a party, she may have to make concessions, such as leaving her daughter with a sitter. Not too much to ask in my opinion.

Sorry, I didn''t read the thread through before answering. My response still stands except that Birdie should plan to be spending the evening of WP1 with little birdie, anywhere but the location of WP1.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 1/25/2008 6:15:03 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 1/25/2008 6:04:09 PM

Author: diamondfan



She is being purposely obtuse. Highchair is NOT the point. Over and out. Reply and say, Unfortunately, as I told you, this is not going to be an event with any children in attendance. If you feel you cannot leave her to come, I will certainly not be offended in any way.


Horror thought, what if she just BRINGS HER ANYWAY AND SHOWS UP THAT NIGHT?

Would anyone really do that?

Ellen, ya just never know! I mean, someone who invites herself in the first place and is not getting the point that has been made clearly does not want to hear it. So, would I be shocked if she did that, given the scenario? No. But would hope not for sure. Sadly I have had friends circumvent and act like they did not really get it. I would NEVER invite myself life that so I just could not speculate on her mind set at all.

Also, again, I am NOT saying you should not be with your child most of the time. You had kids to be with them. But, as in this case, why can''t she just NOT attend the formal party if she is unwilling to attend without her child? Can''t she just accept the lay of the land with the formal party, and enjoy attending the one that is kid friendly? If a strange sitter is not comfy, fine! Just wish you well and come to the one where she can have her child there. Does not seem THAT complex to me. Bottom line is you are in charge of the guest list and the style and tone of the party, she is being invited to the one event to share with you. Am I to assume she is coming out twice, or are the parties in proximity time wise?



Is this a stupid question? Honestly, I would think not, but then, I would never invite myself some place, and wouldn''t even entertain the thought of bringing a toddler (also uninvited) to a social event such as this.





We attended a family wedding in Chicago last summer. Seating was limited, and it was a very expensive affair. No kids. One of the couples invited (also family) wouldn''t come because their kids weren''t invited....And they were FROM Chicago, not like they traveled there and had no sitter.

 

[Mara]

Date: 1/25/2008 6:15:03 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 1/25/2008 6:04:09 PM
Author: diamondfan


She is being purposely obtuse. Highchair is NOT the point. Over and out. Reply and say, Unfortunately, as I told you, this is not going to be an event with any children in attendance. If you feel you cannot leave her to come, I will certainly not be offended in any way.

Horror thought, what if she just BRINGS HER ANYWAY AND SHOWS UP THAT NIGHT?

Would anyone really do that?


Is this a stupid question? Honestly, I would think not, but then, I would never invite myself some place, and wouldn't even entertain the thought of bringing a toddler (also uninvited) to a social event such as this.

Honestly YES people would do this.

Seriously, people have an amazing sense of entitlement as TG previously mentioned. It is like well if THEY want to do it, who would dare stop them???? And GASP who might not want their little darling at the party??? I think it's pretty obvious that this gal is not going to be easily handled, poor IG has to be firm and direct and say straight out, sorry little child is not invited. In a nice way of course, but a very direct way.

People many times have a hard time looking outside of what they want to do and thinking about people other than themselves. And it's not just parents that do this...it's many many people. Their issues are the most important, their lives trump yours, they need to be first, their time is valuable, etc etc.

 

[Independent Gal]

"now it is time for me to tell you...seek your inner Bridezilla. A doormat does not work in white."T''Gal, you are so right. Spine! Spine! Why have you foresaken me? WHERE IS MY INNER BRIDEZILLA WHEN I NEED HER!?!?!?!? The one time she came out strongly, re my step-sis bringing her drug dealer boyfriend to WP2 - I felt guilty for like, a month afterward.

I guess it''s just having been friends with someone for 25 years without ever having an open conflict, the idea of having one is definitely intimidating. And I think ''is it worth it?'' And I don''t know.

Diamondfan I do think Birdie''s relationship with her kid might be a little unhealthy / smothery. She doesn''t work. She doesn''t have a lot of friends (except being friendly wtih other moms in her moms group). And her entire identity revolves around being Li''l Bird''s mom, whom she doesn''t leave for a minute EVER. The thing I find particularly interesting is that when we were younger, she used to complain bitterly about her mom not having anything resembling a life of her own and being so fixated on her and her brother.

DKS The ''division'' between WP1 invitees and WP2 invitees is only geographical. Oh, and the ''palace'' isn''t like a Disney palace and they only get to live there while my step-dad holds his current job. But it sure ain''t half bad either.

Lucky mommy, who grew up in one room with her brothers and a lot of cockroaches and sometimes not enough to eat....so, actually, I suppose in that sense it IS a real Disney palace, if you see what I mean.

 

[jas]

Date: 1/25/2008 6:15:03 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 1/25/2008 6:04:09 PM
Author: diamondfan


She is being purposely obtuse. Highchair is NOT the point. Over and out. Reply and say, Unfortunately, as I told you, this is not going to be an event with any children in attendance. If you feel you cannot leave her to come, I will certainly not be offended in any way.

Horror thought, what if she just BRINGS HER ANYWAY AND SHOWS UP THAT NIGHT?

Would anyone really do that?


Is this a stupid question? Honestly, I would think not, but then, I would never invite myself some place, and wouldn''t even entertain the thought of bringing a toddler (also uninvited) to a social event such as this.




We attended a family wedding in Chicago last summer. Seating was limited, and it was a very expensive affair. No kids. One of the couples invited (also family) wouldn''t come because their kids weren''t invited....And they were FROM Chicago, not like they traveled there and had no sitter.

Actually, yes, and I would suggest bracing yourself for this. At my wedding (which was a formal affair, in the evening, no children) we had a married couple bring their precious 2 1/2 year old to the ceremony and dinner. Uninvited. Without telling us. I was pretty miffed...the kid was fine during the ceremony but was running amok during the reception (waaaay overstimulated). Mom and Dad thought it was just adorable...after all, she was just being two! Well, yes, she was being two in a place and at a time where no two year olds should be. Plus we had to scramble to make sure there was food. And don''t get me started on the fact that the grandmother lives in the house WITH the family. I guess Grammy needed a night off

All of this, however, only leads me to the point that with some people, such as Birdie it seems, if you are not really specific, direct, to-the-point, blunt, that they do not register that as much as we love their kids, we deserve the right to not have little (univited) children there.

I say that as an educator who works with teenagers who has seen one too many little darlings who have not been taught that there are some differences between adults and children, and that some places are not appropriate for one or the other, that some interactions do need to be shown respect and deference. If nothing else, kids need to have some things to look forward to -- they need to have a little time to gaze at a party from afar, watch Mommy get ready, maybe sneak a peak through banisters at the magic of sparkly adult interactions. But they wait. Without this anticipation, I am convinced that some children have a tough time adjusting to the hierarchical relationships that are present in society (whether right or wrong.)

Sorry, threadjack...be strong TG...you seem to have been put into defensive mode by Birdie and it just ain''t right.