Parents of toddlers - etiquette advice please!

[Joolskie]

I am coming in here very, very late. But I am the parent of two wild and crazy boys. And I have been invited to parties both with and without my children.

The issue here has nothing to do with what kind of parenting philosophy IG's friend is using. If some parents are into attachment parenting... GO FOR IT! There are no rights and wrongs there. Parents should do what they feel is best for their family. Personally speaking, I was all about sleep-training and schedules. DH and I also found we needed time away from the babies to reconnect and recharge our relationship. Again, as long as you are not beating or neglecting your children, there are no rights and wrongs. Just what works best for your particular family.

However, just because one chooses to practice a certain parenting method or style does not mean that the rest of the parenting and non-parenting world must conform. IG, you decided that the one party is not an appropriate event for young children. Period. As a parent, your friend needs to decide if she will attend without her child of not attend at all. It is my feeling that you are not obligated to pay for a babysitter or anything else. Your friend needs to decide what she is going to do on her own.

If I were wearing your shoes IG, I would probably go with something like this:

"Birdie, I am so honored that you want to be part of these celebrations. While party #2 is appropriate for children, party #1 is not. I would absolutely love for you to join us for both parties... but if you are unable to arrange care for Little Bird, I would understand if you were only able to attend party #1."

It's not perfect but you can see where I am going there. State what kind of events the parties are and let her decide what she is willing and not willing to do.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Well said, Joolskie. That is the point here - no right, no wrong. Let''s each do our own thing and not judge the choices others make.

That said, when your choices are interfering with others, and in the case of our dear Birdie, in a potentially very negative and inappropriate way, that is not right.

Sooooo..... how goes it with dear Birdie??

 

[movie zombie]

so, birdie was invited to give her a break from mr birdie and the birdlet....... and now the entire family is coming? not much of a break, imo.........

i may be hardcore but i think she needs to be reminded that only she was invited and only she may attend. takes care of the babysitting problem as mr birdie can care for birdlet. if this is unacceptable to her then she doesn''t attend. period. but if somewhere in the conversation you have indicated that it was ok for mr birdie to attend, then the message has to be even more clear that unless she has a babysitter away from the event, she and her hubby will have to skip the event. personally, i''d pay for the babysitter for her..........

stating the obvious: not being clear in the first place has allowed this situation to develop a life of its own. in many ways its empowered birdie to question your planning and decision making regarding what is a very important occasion in your life. you know what kind of event you want. you know how you want feel at the event. you''ve been clear with us that having a small child there was not in your vision. stay clear for yourself and don''t allow yourself to become open to debate about why or why not you aren''t willing to bend for birdie. it is not a question of liking or not liking children. others may have wanted to bring their children also but aren''t. your 2nd party will accomodate that. your first obligation is to yourself. stay focused and have the wedding and events you''ve planned.

re parenting style: perhaps another thread? certainly an issue worth exploring.

movie zombie

 

[bee*]

How did it go Indy? Did she get the message?

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes, she definitely 'gets it' now and is thinking over what to do. I told her her daughter is welcome to hang with us at the cocktail hour, which I think everyone would enjoy, and then she liked the idea of having Li'l Bird a room or two down thereafter so she can hear if something goes wrong. And we can set up a little napping spot in there on a couch, so hopefully she'll sleep most of the time anyway. So now we just have to see about finding someone trustworthy who speaks enough of Li'l Bird's language that that isn't an issue. Somone's got to have a teen with the relevant skills, or even a sweet granny.

I still feel really annoyed with my friend. Just thinking about everyone else's behaviour in comparison, I think she's just been so out of line. But thinking of Birdie's behaviour historically, I think she just doesn't realize it's out of line.

By the way, there was one other context I once mentioned Birdie on PS, just to give you a further idea of the separate realities issue. At HER wedding, she rented a summer house, and expected the 20 guests to stay over there. I was single at the time, and she wanted me not just sharing a ROOM with a stranger, which I could have coped wtih, but to share a BED with a stranger. Like WTF?!? She was offended that I opted to go back to town.

So, you see, just different planets on certain things. Maybe if she spent more time with other people, she'd come back down to earth!

But you know how these childhood friendships are! And I do love her. 25 years is a lot of years and we've been friends through so much.

 

[diamondfan]

I think it is really great that you can see her in a total way. And maybe someday the opportunity will present itself for you to gently tell her about some of her behaviors and how they affect others. If not, at least you somewhat know what to expect and can handle it, while valuing your friendship overall in the scheme of things.

 

[Ellen]

IG, I''m so glad things seem to be working out. I hope all goes according to plan, and you have a fabulous time!

 

[bee*]

I''m glad that things are worked out a bit more! I always think that childhood friends are the strangest, but we put up with them as there''s so much history there. I hope that you find a sitter quick!

 

[Mara]

YAY IG...so glad that things are working out pretty well. Still not sure why you are the one throwing out all the ideas and probably going to be making the arrangements but you surely are a good friend. Maybe TOO good!! Birdie is lucky.

And yes I agree with Bee re: weird childhood friends...I see it all the time with a lot of my friends...they almost always have that one person from childhood who is either super HM or jealous, or out of touch with reality or just plain wacko and yet they have all that history though they often wonder ''is it really worth it??''.

 

[Joolskie]

Sounds like you know Birdie really well and have accepted her with love... odd behaviors and all. You have handled a sticky situation with much diplomacy IG. I can see why Birdie enjoys being your friend so much. And if you are happy with the cocktail hour/nap a few doors down arrangement, then all is good.

NOW FIND A BABYSITTER... QUICK! LOL!!!!!

And I am totally with Bee on the childhood friends thing. Just yesterday, I heard from a childhood friend who is totally off her rocker. But we have known each other for so long, what can I do?!? LOL!!!!

 

[steph72276]

Oh good....glad things seem to be working out! You are a very sweet friend and I hope Birdie realizes it!

 

[Independent Gal]

We just realized that a couple of the local guests have kids. So we can just ask them who they use as a babysitter. Of course, they may well be USING their sitter that night (since I''m sure it didn''t occur to THEM to bring their kidlets), but maybe they have a back-up person?

Anyway, that would make things easy!

 

[hlmr]

So glad to hear things are working out with Birdie, IG!!

 

[Independent Gal]

By the way DKS, I''m all for a little drama. Or even a lot of drama. Absolutely no harm done or anything. You know I love ya!

 

[iheartscience]

Glad it''s working out, Indy! You are being beyond accommodating and I wish your friend realized that!

 

[door knob solitaire]

Awhhh Indy....thanks for your sweet thoughts. You know I love you too!

THANKS!!

You and your mom are the pinnacle of etiquette. Mrs Manners would be so proud of you...and I bet she may even learn a thing or two from you! I know I have. You can''t buy grace...and honey you don''t need to! You''ve got your share and then some.

 

[Gemma12]

Well done IG for standing up and preserving a long friendship!

ETA: Let us know how it pans out-pics of the palace mebbe???