Parents of toddlers - etiquette advice please!

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/25/2008 6:38:02 PM
Author: Independent Gal
''now it is time for me to tell you...seek your inner Bridezilla. A doormat does not work in white.''T''Gal, you are so right. Spine! Spine! Why have you foresaken me? WHERE IS MY INNER BRIDEZILLA WHEN I NEED HER!?!?!?!? The one time she came out strongly, re my step-sis bringing her drug dealer boyfriend to WP2 - I felt guilty for like, a month afterward.

I guess it''s just having been friends with someone for 25 years without ever having an open conflict, the idea of having one is definitely intimidating. And I think ''is it worth it?'' And I don''t know.

IG, find that spine. You won''t be able to wear your purdy dress without it.

YES, it is worth it. Yanno why? Because if you don''t nip this in the bud now and Birdie comes with Tweety, you will resent her for it. It is MORE THAN REASONABLE to not have children at an adult only function. It is NOT REASONABLE to bring your toddler when your friend does not want him there.

And just to clarify, think Birdie might be confused? Because I went back to your previous post on her and it seems you DID invite her. Birdie seems flighty and maybe didn''t understand you meant HER and not her FAMILY?

 

[Independent Gal]

One more thing, just to be fair to Birdie: near the beginning of my wedding planning, she was feeling sad and trapped and wasn't getting on with hubby, so I had said "How about just leaving li'l bird with hubby for a few days and taking some me-time? You could come to WP1." So, technically, I did invite HER. She said no, that she didn't want to. And then a few months later said she was coming after all and BRINGING the family. The point of that casual invite was to give her 'me-time'. So, it's a bit complicated. But the bottom line is Li'l Bird was never invited nor would have been. See? Hubby coming is obviously not an issue, even though that wasn't the intitial 'point' if you see what I mean.

ETA: T'GAl our posts crossed. I was just clarifying this. But I don't see how she could have thought that the family was invited when I said "Leave the fam, and come have a little 'me-time'"

 

[Mara]

I guess it's just having been friends with someone for 25 years without ever having an open conflict, the idea of having one is definitely intimidating. And I think 'is it worth it?' And I don't know.

________

IG sweetie you don't have to have an open conflict. You can be nice yet direct and firm. I would respond to the email and say 'actually Birdie it's not so much about the high chair, it's that this isn't really the right venue for little Birdie to be in. It's an adult only party...a formal 7 course black tie dinner, and no one else is bringing their child. i hate to ask this, but please make alternate arrangements for the little darling.' i'd probably also end it with something like 'i promise to smother her with kisses the next time i see her so that she doesn't feel like i don't love her anymore'...or something kind of fun and cute to try to soften the blow.

But seriously. I know what you mean about the 'is it worth it'. I actually hate conflict within my inner circles as well. However, it peeves me that you feel so pressured by this 25 year friend and that she has put you in this situation. Too bad you don't have a pal like me around to write the email for you. I'd probably also not be able to refrain the little imp in me from putting something in there guaranteed to set her off like 'remember how you used to complain about your mom not having a life other than you and your brother??? don't be that woman!!!' hehehe.

 

[diamondfan]

IG, that is the scenario that, in my view and many experts views, is not the healthiest. She is repeating the cycle she knows from her childhood, replicating it. And sadly, if she is neglecting her marriage for the wrong reasons it will crop up later when her kids have grown and gone. Cause trust me, they should and they will...and she will have no kids around and a poor relationship with hubby. It really does sound like she is almost transferring things to her child that she should not really be...in an attempt to avoid hubby. Again, I am totally aware that a working mom might really feel that having had this child, her free time to be indulging herself is taking a back seat, and when she is not at work her preference is to be with her child. And some kids really learn to appreciate restaurants and to sit through longish meals, and like galleries etc. Those that do not get lots of exposure young can still be okay too...it really just depends on your child. I just think it really does not benefit the kid down the road. And how many kids will just be waiting til they can break free a bit, like a couple of my friends I grew up with...left skid marks they got out of town so fast, and since leaving for college have really not been back. I would be interested to know what her current relationship is with her own mom.

 

[Independent Gal]

I love that wording Mara. I may steal it.

 

[KimberlyH]

Ditto the whole backbone thing, IG, it's time for you to be blunt with Birdie..."We simply cannot accomodate little bird attending the party, we can provide a sitter or locate a sitter for you if you'd still like to attend. What shall it be?"

ETA: Just so you don't feel like you're the only one who is holding a "no kids" wedding, we did too. My nephew was 9 months old when we got married. He sat through the ceremony on my mom's lap, quietly; he had a book and would have been removed if he started to fuss (he was our ring bearer, he had them in his shirt pocket, so cute). But after the ceremony my BIL took him back to my condo and dropped him off with a sitter that we found for them (a woman my husband and I knew wel that we refer to as "Mary Poppins" because she's babysat a group of girls from infancy through college while their parents travel for workl). We paid for the sitter, but only because we wanted to, no pressure on behalf of my sister and her hubby. My BIL returned and he and my sister got to enjoy our reception (a 4 course, 3 hour meal) without having to worry about bedtimes and bottles and my nephew was spoiled rotten by the sitter. It can be a pleasant experience

 

[Mara]

Oh and this just reminded me that we had a similar situ at our wedding in a way. Greg's friends came from far away and they brought the whole fam (it was a destination wedding) to make a vacation out of it. Yay, great idea! They also brought along Grandma to watch the kidlets during the wedding and reception. Fab..I was jazzed I didn't even have to worry about the kids. Umm but then Grandma was at the wedding. With the kidlets. And at the dinner. With the kidlets. It was a super casual reception since it was beachside, so it wasn't a huge deal and thankfully everyone behaved for the most part (Though there was a wee tantrum during dinner so that was when Grandma went off to put them to bed)....but I didn't originally expect kids at the wedding or dinner. And the whole point of bringing Grandma was to have her watch the kidlets. So I never quite got what happened there. But I feel ya. And ours wasn't even a formal thing. I just was afraid they would start howling or something during the ceremony...so happy that didn't happen.

 

[Aloros]

I think Mara''s reply is just lovely! It''s direct, firm, and still very kind. I can''t believe she would still press the issue after so firmly being told "no" and the very logical reasons why. You can add something about how it would be an uncomfortable event for a toddler to attend - you know, putting her best interests at heart.

I mean, you don''t bring a toddler to a play or an opera! It just makes everyone involved miserable!

 

[VegasAngel]

Yes Mara, great wording.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 1/25/2008 3:59:04 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
Simply Appalled. Too many replies are so stuffed full of PC I am about to scream.

The woman WASN''T EVEN INVITED. SHE NOR HER OFFSPRING. She is a wannabe groupie. This is her second attempt to shoehorn her way into this social tier.

For those of you not fully up to speed...Indys Mom lives in a palace. Her mothers husband has a very important standing in the political aspect of the country. An invitation to this estate must be coveted and a yearned for. There is a level of decorum that should be followed...and in this case this GROUPIE wannabee is completely negating all social graces and is making more stress of these wedding events than you can imagine. This is not the first time this person has bulldozed her way into the inter sanctum.

Indy has for months, if not longer planned two different events to accommodate the differences and locations of the family. Knowing the appropriate times and events and guest lists. This woman has found her way through the divisions and invited herself to what ever she wants to. Now she plans to bring a tiny toddler to a adult only soiree. Lets picture a lavish long formal table with 17 forks and 8 glasses...crystal out the wazoo...formal attire, slick polished floors, a harpist a violinist ( OK, I threw my orchestra in for good measure) FORMAL. FORMAL. People...you got a kid??....you got no sitter...you have separation anxiety or some Freudian idea that 4 hours will damage your kid forever...YOU DECLINE. YOU DON''T INVITE YOURSELF to this swanky event. Stay in your hotel room and bond with yoru kid and purple Barney and live with the decision you made...(as we weren''t consulted in the idea of your parentage).

It does not ''take a village'' to watch or care for your kid. It is YOUR responsibility. You may be absent from social events for the first 18 years of your kids life...your parents were. Get over it.

I just looked up formal in the dictionary...and there is no mention of diapers or baby wipes. I know that may be a shocker...but there are some places those things need not be included. §

HI:

Likely, I''ll be the only person here to say this, but I object to the name calling displayed in this post. Whatever "Birdie''s faults--real or perceived--she does not deserve this character assassination. DNS--do you really know this girl that you can make such assumptions? Unhelpful and genuinely unkind.

Let the Pie (throwing) begin!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sharon

 

[Independent Gal]

Diamondfan Her relationship with her mom is not at ALL close. She visits once a year or so and I don''t think they talk much. Her dad passed away when she was a teen, and now her mom is having a years long affair with a married man. Basically, her mom sits at home and waits for him to call her. That is her life. Charming huh? So Birdie has very little respect for her mom. And yet, I do think she is in many ways becoming much like her: largely dependent on others for activity and meaning in her life.

FI''s mom was also very much a ''live through her kids'' type mom and suffered when they moved away, although she has built a life for herself since then and her kids love her a lot. One thing he wanted me to commit to when we got engaged was that I would always have interests and activities outside the family so that I wouldn''t be like his mom was.

 

[Independent Gal]

Canuck You''re right that Birdie isn''t a social climber, and just about any gal would love to stay in such a special house if they had the chance - I know I get a thrill whenever I go there! - so I don''t blame her for trying.

And just to reiterate, WP1 and WP2 divisions have NOTHING to do with social class. Only geography.

 

[diamondfan]

Indy, that is what is ironic to me. If doing all that she is doing is not to help ensure a well balanced and well adjusted child, why do it? If it is for herself, not her child, not good. And what about considering that the proof in the pudding, i.e. the end result of having been parented that way by HER OWN MOTHER, has yielded a poor relationship between them? Heck, I would look at THAT when I was duplicating the roles of my childhood. Of course there could be lots of reasons she and her mom do not get along, but it sure seems that this is at the core.

 

[Independent Gal]

OK. Here goes. Deep breath. Finding my inner bridezilla. Locating my lost spine. Writing to Birdie....

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 1/25/2008 6:13:07 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Yikes!!! Okay, folks, we all agree - Birdie is out of line. Way out of line. No bambinos at swanky palace dinner.

But let''s lay off the parents that do follow attachment parenting, that do feel that this is a healthy way to raise your child, and do not feel that their chicklets will need psychotherapy because of their Freudien/Barney (how did Barney get involved?) problems in the future.

Birdie may feel that she never ever ever wants to be away from the wee bird (I don''t know, can''t say), but let''s not label her, and others that follow attachment parenting as some sort of freaks. I don''t label parents that go on vacations without their infants as non caring heartless people. Let''s not judge a person''s choice of parenting style.

What I said above, and what Canuck-Gal said. Let''s focus at the issue at hand and lay off the parenting slamming.

 

[divergrrl]

IG: sorry...TGal''s response to me made me go back and re-read more thoroughly. (thanks TG!) I was under the impression that WP1 & WP2 were in the same town, and Birdie was invited to both, but was bringing her uninvited daughter.

I stand corrected...sorry.

On childcare, I say if the woman had the cahones to invite herself & make arrangements to fly 1000 miles then she can sure as hell find AND PAY for her own childcare for the evening. I thought she was an INVITED guest.

I thought you invited an out of country guest & then were having no accomodations for a child...seeing as she might not have anyone to leave her child with back at home...in another country...does that make sense?


But..seeing as she just INVITED herself...well then tough toenails...she can deal.

Mara: Great wording for IG--as usual, you have a very nice way of putting that...and I have news for you honey...your 2 year old will go with you when you pee. LOL!! I''m just having fun with you....but you''ll be surprised how many of the "I''d never''s...." you think when you are childless turn into "well of course''s" when you are a parent.

How-evah......Formal Events are just not an appropriate place for a small chld. Unless they are specifically invited (child''s name on the invite). I follow this etiquette myself & I do not bring my child to events that are adult-only. And when in doubt, I either get a sitter or just stay home.

I had an adults only wedding (nighttime) and I had to tell about 5 of my friends not to bring their small children. It was met with some attitude, but it was black tie, formal, lit candles EVERYWHERE, open bar, went to 1am, and looking back now (with the perspective of a parent) I''d do it exactly the same. I had to tell my best friend that her 4 year old was not only not in the wedding (she was) but he was not invited. I had seen him in action at 3 other weddings that year & she thought it was "cute" when he ran around during the vows, and "cute" when he ran across the floor during 1st dance, etc. Heck NO was I having that little bugger wreak havoc at our wedding. She was mad, but she got over it. I just stuck to my guns.

So I apologize for giving you incorrect advice at first. I was feeding my baby with one hand & typing the other. Darn kids always interfere! LOL!!!!

Strmrdr: oh you know how I love my duct-tape...I''m the one who ducttaped my little bro to a chair when we were kids. Great babysitting tool!

 

[Mara]

Date: 1/25/2008 6:58:30 PM
Author: LitigatorChick

Date: 1/25/2008 6:13:07 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Yikes!!! Okay, folks, we all agree - Birdie is out of line. Way out of line. No bambinos at swanky palace dinner.

But let's lay off the parents that do follow attachment parenting, that do feel that this is a healthy way to raise your child, and do not feel that their chicklets will need psychotherapy because of their Freudien/Barney (how did Barney get involved?) problems in the future.

Birdie may feel that she never ever ever wants to be away from the wee bird (I don't know, can't say), but let's not label her, and others that follow attachment parenting as some sort of freaks. I don't label parents that go on vacations without their infants as non caring heartless people. Let's not judge a person's choice of parenting style.

What I said above, and what Canuck-Gal said. Let's focus at the issue at hand and lay off the parenting slamming.

No one is SLAMMING parenting here. So some don't agree with what you put out there; or what Birdie might be displaying or whatever..that is their perogative and they can say what they wish. No one said anything about attached people being 'freaks'...that's a little dramatic.

The issue at hand does lead to speculation and discussion on Birdie's style of parenting. If it resembles yours and you don't like the conclusions that people are drawing, frankly, that is your issue. You don't have to agree of course. No one is actually addressing you and your parenting style. This is about BIRDIE and her child and IG's dilemma (BTW IG..you go girl with your bad email writing self. I know you'll be fab.)

The best part about this forum is that people can feel free to ignore what they don't agree with or don't want to read. It always bugs when people come in and try to get all 'hall monitor' on others and censor. As long as it's within the scope of the rules and relevant to the issue at hand, people are allowed to say what they feel.

I like pie.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 1/25/2008 6:36:42 PM
Author: Mara

Date: 1/25/2008 6:15:03 PM
Author: Ellen


Would anyone really do that?


Is this a stupid question? Honestly, I would think not, but then, I would never invite myself some place, and wouldn''t even entertain the thought of bringing a toddler (also uninvited) to a social event such as this.

Honestly YES people would do this.

Seriously, people have an amazing sense of entitlement as TG previously mentioned. It is like well if THEY want to do it, who would dare stop them???? And GASP who might not want their little darling at the party??? I think it''s pretty obvious that this gal is not going to be easily handled, poor IG has to be firm and direct and say straight out, sorry little child is not invited. In a nice way of course, but a very direct way.

People many times have a hard time looking outside of what they want to do and thinking about people other than themselves. And it''s not just parents that do this...it''s many many people. Their issues are the most important, their lives trump yours, they need to be first, their time is valuable, etc etc.

This is absolutely true. And sad. Everyone is out for themselves anymore.

I just CANNOT imagine being told there are no children, and then bringing them. It''s just really beyond me....




Jas, great post, and I LOVED this part:

I say that as an educator who works with teenagers who has seen one too many little darlings who have not been taught that there are some differences between adults and children, and that some places are not appropriate for one or the other, that some interactions do need to be shown respect and deference. If nothing else, kids need to have some things to look forward to -- they need to have a little time to gaze at a party from afar, watch Mommy get ready, maybe sneak a peak through banisters at the magic of sparkly adult interactions. But they wait. Without this anticipation, I am convinced that some children have a tough time adjusting to the hierarchical relationships that are present in society (whether right or wrong.)

So true. Excellent.

And TG, good thing I didn''t have a mouthful of something when I read about Lil Bird and Tweetie. You are bad.

 

[diamondfan]

Look, she does not have to agree or like it. It kind of is what it is. Such is life. And if it offends her she can opt not to attend the formal event, totally up to her. I am NOT saying she should leave her child at home or with a stranger, if she is not okay with that. But she is NOT entitled to go and bring the child to the party, going against the clearly expressed wishes of the host and hostess.

Sidebar: I would not tell anyone how to parent their child. But I am entitled to my opinion, I base my view on being the mother of three children AND having gone to school for a masters degree in psychology. I also think that when someone else's parenting style has a negative impact on me, I am allowed to have my own view. I do not parent that way, which is my choice, but I can weigh in on what a lot of the research bears out.

 

[TravelingGal]

Mara, I was reading through the posts and was going to respond in a similar way, but of course you beat me to it.

People are VERY judgmental when it comes to parenting. That''s a fact. I''ve been jokiing throughout my pregnancy that getting pregnant so unexpectedly has been God''s way of saying, HA! Let''s see how well YOU do, missy!

But in this case, Birdie''s style of parenting IS relevant to IG''s dilemma. It doesn''t make her a bad parent...but it is raising issues for which IG is asking for insight and advice to resolve.

Jas, loved your post as well.

Diver, I love your mischievous sense of humor, gal.

Which reminds me, I gotta hop over to the preggo thread and catch up. I''ve been wanting to devote some serious time commenting on all the fun stuff going on over there. It''s been an exciting week with pics and new preggos!!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/25/2008 7:13:29 PM
Author: diamondfan

Sidebar: I would not tell anyone how to parent their child. But I am entitled to my opinion, I base my view on being the mother of three children AND having gone to school for a masters degree in psychology. I also think that when someone else's parenting style has a negative impact on me, I am allowed to have my own view. I do not parent that way, which is my choice, but I can weigh in on what a lot of the research bears out.

Yup Diamondfan...you definitely are entitled to more of an opinion than I am with your experience! Mine's just based on bias and prejudice. Hehehe.

But I was just thinking about what you are saying when we had our girl's GTG last night. One of our friends has a very foul mouth and (IMHO), spoils her child. I am going to have to figure out how to deal with this when the time comes if it affects TTot.

ETA, Ellen, well doesn't "birdie" just SOUND like someone who's dingy? IG, you picked an image-evoking nickname, to be sure!

 

[LitigatorChick]

Everyone is entitled to their opinions, no doubt. It is the conclusions, the judgments, that go too far and are often hurtful to people. Parent your kids however you want - you are the parent, you make your choices and you face the consequences - but don''t say that anyone who does not do what you do is destroying their kids and they will have psycological problems. That''s rude.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 1/25/2008 6:51:36 PM
Author: canuk-gal

Date: 1/25/2008 3:59:04 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
Simply Appalled. Too many replies are so stuffed full of PC I am about to scream.

The woman WASN'T EVEN INVITED. SHE NOR HER OFFSPRING. She is a wannabe groupie. This is her second attempt to shoehorn her way into this social tier.

For those of you not fully up to speed...Indys Mom lives in a palace. Her mothers husband has a very important standing in the political aspect of the country. An invitation to this estate must be coveted and a yearned for. There is a level of decorum that should be followed...and in this case this GROUPIE wannabee is completely negating all social graces and is making more stress of these wedding events than you can imagine. This is not the first time this person has bulldozed her way into the inter sanctum.

Indy has for months, if not longer planned two different events to accommodate the differences and locations of the family. Knowing the appropriate times and events and guest lists. This woman has found her way through the divisions and invited herself to what ever she wants to. Now she plans to bring a tiny toddler to a adult only soiree. Lets picture a lavish long formal table with 17 forks and 8 glasses...crystal out the wazoo...formal attire, slick polished floors, a harpist a violinist ( OK, I threw my orchestra in for good measure) FORMAL. FORMAL. People...you got a kid??....you got no sitter...you have separation anxiety or some Freudian idea that 4 hours will damage your kid forever...YOU DECLINE. YOU DON'T INVITE YOURSELF to this swanky event. Stay in your hotel room and bond with yoru kid and purple Barney and live with the decision you made...(as we weren't consulted in the idea of your parentage).

It does not 'take a village' to watch or care for your kid. It is YOUR responsibility. You may be absent from social events for the first 18 years of your kids life...your parents were. Get over it.

I just looked up formal in the dictionary...and there is no mention of diapers or baby wipes. I know that may be a shocker...but there are some places those things need not be included. §

HI:

Likely, I'll be the only person here to say this, but I object to the name calling displayed in this post. Whatever 'Birdie's faults--real or perceived--she does not deserve this character assassination. DNS--do you really know this girl that you can make such assumptions? Unhelpful and genuinely unkind.

Let the Pie (throwing) begin!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sharon

I totally agree with this Sharon. There is no need to be so disparaging towards Birdie, and to be honest, I'm not sure there wasn't a bit of mocking regarding IG's mother's home and perceived social status in this response. Way too much drama lately...."wannabe groupie"??? Puleeze!

 

[Independent Gal]

Diver Birdie & family were invited to WP2, and then I did invite Birdie in passing to WP1 when she sounded desperate to get away from her family for a few days, with the specific intention of providing her an 'excuse' to get away. So it was like

Birdie: "I wish I could travel somewhere, be free of responsibilities for a few days."
Me: "Well, you could always come to Mom's for the wedding dinner thingy. Leave Li'l Bird with Mr. Bird"

She said no. Then changed her mind a few months later, but with the whole family coming.

So, there is some ambiguity for sure. She probably just assumed that if I was happy to have her, I was happy to have the whole gang. I guess that's not a crazy assumption. It's just a wrong assumption.

 

[diamondfan]

I am not name calling and I am not being rude by stating some commonly held views. I merely pointed out that often there ARE issues with enmeshed attachments. This is not new or radical, therapist offices are filled with people for a variety of reasons, this can being a typical theme. There can be negative outcomes to many things that some parents do or do not do, parenting is tough and sometimes things do not turn out wonderfully down the line. I am stating I see some writing on the wall for the future. I can almost guarantee you if she thought that what she is doing would cause her to have a relationship with her daughter like she has with her mom, it would give her pause. Based on the information we have, I would not think it would be easy to say this seems like a healthy situation for her, her daughter or her husband.

 

[Mara]

This makes me think of some obscure algebra equation.

(Birdie+GirlTime)-(LilBirdie+Hubby)+WP1 = HighChair4LittleBirdie+WP1 ????? How''d that happen?!?!

Or something like that.

Wow it''s Friday at 4:30 and I seriously need a drink!!!! Key Lime Martini anyone???

IG so what''dya write???

 

[TravelingGal]

DKS does have a way with words. However re: that your kids will have psych problems, blah blah blah, I didn''t read her post that way. To me it meant: IF you can''t bear to leave your kids FOR WHATEVER REASON, then don''t accept the invitation.

Litchick, take this with a grain of salt because I am not yet a parent (therefore naive and stupid), but to me, I simply don''t care what other people think of my parenting. The proof will be in the pudding. If your kid is well adjusted and really doing fine...who cares what others think? You are obviously doing the best job you can. I KNOW I am going to be called "nazi" or "gestapo" mom by my friends. I was raised by a strict mother (but she was extremely loving as well) and I am more and more like her every day. There are some things I see from real life friends as well as read from the great moms on the preggo thread that I don''t necessarily agree with (and do tend to keep my mouth shut) but I respect that everyone has a different way of parenting.

As diamondfan said, I will speak up when someone else''s parenting negatively affects my family.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/25/2008 7:32:09 PM
Author: Mara
This makes me think of some obscure algebra equation.

(Birdie+GirlTime)-(LilBirdie+Hubby)+WP1 = HighChair4LittleBirdie+WP1 ????? How''d that happen?!?!

Or something like that.

Wow it''s Friday at 4:30 and I seriously need a drink!!!! Key Lime Martini anyone???

IG so what''dya write???

Even with words instead of numbers (since I''m an English major), you just sparked an electrical fire in my brain.

I''ll drink a non-alch beer while you''re having your martini, thanks!

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 1/25/2008 7:19:00 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/25/2008 7:13:29 PM

Author: diamondfan


Sidebar: I would not tell anyone how to parent their child. But I am entitled to my opinion, I base my view on being the mother of three children AND having gone to school for a masters degree in psychology. I also think that when someone else''s parenting style has a negative impact on me, I am allowed to have my own view. I do not parent that way, which is my choice, but I can weigh in on what a lot of the research bears out.

Yup Diamondfan...you definitely are entitled to more of an opinion than I am with your experience! Mine''s just based on bias and prejudice. Hehehe.


But I was just thinking about what you are saying when we had our girl''s GTG last night. One of our friends has a very foul mouth and (IMHO), spoils her child. I am going to have to figure out how to deal with this when the time comes if it affects TTot.


ETA, Ellen, well doesn''t ''birdie'' just SOUND like someone who''s dingy? IG, you picked an image-evoking nickname, to be sure!

Tgal, you have good instincts, you do not have to be a mom to have a view of how you would like to be as a parent! The rubber sort of hits the road when you ARE, though, since if you and a pal disagree, it can be a sticky wicket. Each person has the right and obligation to do what is best for their child, but I encountered many people in my school exposure who were not healthy in their interactions and were being sent to parenting classes etc. It was not conscious, but it still happened. And of course in almost all cases they loved their child but needed to be shown appropriate behaviors because those things had never been modeled for them when they were growing up. People also justify what they do. I have a friend who lets her young children, all under the age of ten, say every and I mean EVERY curse word there is. She says them too. But say "fat" or "stupid" around her and you get quite an earful! Why? She thinks they are not nice...but every nasty word is considered fine. Her kids make me blush and I am certainly not unfamiliar with the terms! Her kids even got my 6 year old saying the words quite gleefully one day, which was not great!

 

[hlmr]

Date: 1/25/2008 7:34:12 PM
Author: TravelingGal
DKS does have a way with words. However re: that your kids will have psych problems, blah blah blah, I didn''t read her post that way. To me it meant: IF you can''t bear to leave your kids FOR WHATEVER REASON, then don''t accept the invitation.

Litchick, take this with a grain of salt because I am not yet a parent (therefore naive and stupid), but to me, I simply don''t care what other people think of my parenting. The proof will be in the pudding. If your kid is well adjusted and really doing fine...who cares what others think? You are obviously doing the best job you can. I KNOW I am going to be called ''nazi'' or ''gestapo'' mom by my friends. I was raised by a strict mother (but she was extremely loving as well) and I am more and more like her every day. There are some things I see from real life friends as well as read from the great moms on the preggo thread that I don''t necessarily agree with (and do tend to keep my mouth shut) but I respect that everyone has a different way of parenting.

As diamondfan said, I will speak up when someone else''s parenting negatively affects my family.

That is not the part that I take exception to. I agree with the premise that if you can''t ever leave your child, no matter the reason, there is a problem.

I felt uneasy with the characterization made by DKS regarding IG''s family, their social standing, and how this Birdie has tried to unwantedly infiltrate the family structure, etc, etc. She is a close friend of IG''s and sounds lonely, and she is perhaps not thinking clearly (as is obvious in the scenario) but that happens to all of us sometimes, doesn''t it?