Parents of toddlers - etiquette advice please!

[Independent Gal]

Hi Folks,

So, my mother is starting to fret about a toddler at my wedding dinner. And I need advice how and whether to raise this with the toddler's mom.

The toddler in question is exactly 2 yrs old come the wedding and belongs to my good friend "Birdie" who took it upon herself to volunteer to bring her family to this part of the wedding... They were invited to WP2, near where they live, but we did NOT invite them to WP1 - the party in question. They invited themselves.

This part of the wedding consists only of a formal dinner - no dancing or mingling or anything. Just a formal dinner in the big formal dining room of the 'palace' where my mom lives at the moment. When I say formal, I mean 7 courses at a formally set table, black tie and gowns, and fussy food. I think that my friend was planning to have her daughter sit at the table with us. My mom is having nasty flashbacks to us kids playing with our food, eating with our fingers, throwing flatware on the floor, etc. and is thinking: a formal dinner is no place for a 2 year old.

Birdie usually brings her daughter everywhere, and I'm 95% sure she assumes that any place is a good place for a kid. But how is that kid going to sit and behave for, like, 4 hours? It just seems beyond the capacity of any 2 yr old to do so. And mom is worried (and me too a little) that the whole atmosphere of the dinner will be ruined if one of the guests is fussing and throwing food across the table?

Hmmmm... Could any of you parents help me with a non-offensive way to bring it up?

Or ideas to suggest? Are mom and I being unreasonable in worrying about this? Should we just suck it up and cope? Or assume it's not our problem and that Birdie's "got it covered"?

 

[Ellen]

Date: 1/25/2008 10:26:13 AM
Author:Independent Gal
Hi Folks,

So, my mother is starting to fret about a toddler at my wedding dinner. And I need advice how and whether to raise this with the toddler's mom.

The toddler in question is exactly 2 yrs old come the wedding and belongs to my good friend 'Birdie' who took it upon herself to volunteer to bring her family to this part of the wedding... They were invited to WP2, near where they live, but we did NOT invite them to WP1 - the party in question. They invited themselves.

This part of the wedding consists only of a formal dinner - no dancing or mingling or anything. Just a formal dinner in the big formal dining room of the 'palace' where my mom lives at the moment. When I say formal, I mean 7 courses at a formally set table, black tie and gowns, and fussy food. I think that my friend was planning to have her daughter sit at the table with us. My mom is having nasty flashbacks to us kids playing with our food, eating with our fingers, throwing flatware on the floor, etc. and is thinking: a formal dinner is no place for a 2 year old.

Birdie usually brings her daughter everywhere, and I'm 95% sure she assumes that any place is a good place for a kid. But how is that kid going to sit and behave for, like, 4 hours? It just seems beyond the capacity of any 2 yr old to do so. And mom is worried (and me too a little) that the whole atmosphere of the dinner will be ruined if one of the guests is fussing and throwing food across the table?

Hmmmm... Could any of you parents help me with a non-offensive way to bring it up?

Or ideas to suggest? Are mom and I being unreasonable in worrying about this? Should we just suck it up and cope? Or assume it's not our problem and that Birdie's 'got it covered'?

She's not, she's a kid.

Assuming you actually want "Birdie" there (if not, I have no suggestions on how to handle that part), I would just politely but firmly tell her, "this event is just for grown ups, I wanted to be sure you were aware of that. We'd love to have you there (if you do), but it's for adults only". End of discussion. If she tries to tell you daughter will behave, just be firm and say again, I'm sorry, it's just for adults.


Honestly, it amazes me that parents would even think to bring a toddler to something like this. I was always respectful of other people and where I took my kids. Not that they were bad, they weren't. But they were kids, and kids WILL be kids.

 

[steph72276]

I agree with what Ellen says. I have a 3 year old boy who is very well behaved, but there is NO WAY that he would sit quitely at a table for 4 hours. I would bring it up to her in a nice way and say that you hope she understands, but this is more of a formal event with adults only and that they are welcome at the other party. Hope it all works out for you!

 

[butterfly 17]

Definitely raise this issue with her, because if you don''t, she might assume that it''s okay and also that other kids are going to be there to play with her toddler.

I would just be honest and let her know that no children are going to the dinner. I would probably start with something like, So, what are you wearing? OH, did you find a sitter for that day b/c you know, no children are going to be there. If she persists, I would just say that no one else is going to bring their kids and it is going to be a very formal dinner and you really only want adults there.

If she gets offended, oh well, she doesn''t have to come either. Ha, ha, I know, I am bad, but some parents insist that their kids go with them everywhere and sometimes it''s just not appropriate. And if she is your really good friend, then she should be understanding.

Is she bringing her daughter to the wedding? If she is, then you can bring that up, OH, but she''ll be at the wedding, so she will get to come then.

Some kids are really well behaved and others are not. My 7 yr. old was perfect as a 2 yr. old. My 2 yr. old now is a horror. I would never dream of bringing her with me. It would cause me too much stress and I can''t even imagine it for the wedding couple.

Anyway, good luck. Just do it now before it''s too late and she says she couldn''t find anyone at the last minute to watch her daughter.

Honesty is the best policy.

 

[Miranda]

You have every right to be worried. At BIL''s wedding a family member brought her 2 year old. The child began to scream in the middle of the very formal dinner. They were happy screams, but, irritating, distracting, screams no less. MIL asked them to take the child outside. They were angry and didn''t see anything wrong with her ''happy'' noises so they left. I think a talk with your friend before the event would prevent this kind of situation. If she insists on bringing the child tell her she will be asked to leave if noice/disruptions becomes an issue. I really cannot believe someone woud bring a child to this kind of event. My three are very well mannered and I think two hours would be their limit- -of course this is assuming they were invited in the first place. It''s kind of mean IMO to the child to expect them to sit there for 4 hours. It''s not like weddings are usually exciting for kids, ya know.

 

[Independent Gal]

We thought about asking one of the staff if they might have a niece or neighbour or something whom Birdie could hire to babysit. But Birdie et al will be 1000's of miles from home, and her daughter doesn't speak the local language (actually, none of them do). As a mom, if someone suggested this (a babysitter who is a stranger to you, and doesn't speak your kid's language), would you feel OK about it? It would be on the premises (like, in the next room or just upstairs). I don't know why I'm nervous to suggest it.

And no, there won't be any other kids there. Just 30 adults.

 

[VegasAngel]

My daughter is just about 2 & let me tell you there is no way in this world I would bring her. She couldnt go that long (Not even 10 minutes-ha) without causing a fuss & I wouldnt expect her too. Best way I think to handle it is to tell birdie flat out this is an adults only dinner with no other kids (Hopefully) & that you can help her make arrangements for a sitter if need be.

 

[movie zombie]

if she wasn''t invited in the first place what''s the problem with your mother calling and letting her know that she and her family weren''t included for the adult only event due to limited seating and that everyone looks foward to seeing her and her family at event #2?

movie zombie

 

[Mara]

I agree with others who say raise the issue for sure. It's such a pet peeve of mine when you have an adult only function that makes sense to you to seem adult only but other people think 1+1=4 or something. We just had this issue with a party we are attending at end of the month, it's a 40th bday party with adults only and one of the guests said 'oh if so and so's wife is coming, then wives and kids are allowed too'...and i was thinking 'how does a wife equal 'wives and kids' allowed'? The gal who is planning brought the scenario to me for help with dealing with it. In the end she spoke up and said hey we had more of an adult only party vibe...will that affect you coming if you have to leave the kids behind? And it worked out okay, his wife ended up not being able to come so the kids will stay with her. But I seriously do not GET how people just think that an invite not specifying the family somehow means family. Nevermind that no invite typically means NO INVITE...not 'invite yourself and your kid'...but whatever!!! Pet peeve.

This would irk me for multiple reasons because (a) she wasn't even invited to the WP1 and she invited herself and (b) then she wants to bring her child. I would be tempted to say something like 'actually we decided on having 2 celebrations because INSERTREASONHERE (aka people are too geographically spread out and we wanted to be sure that everyone had a chance to celebrate with us) and we are going to be delighted to host you at the party near XYZTown, but we don't have the available room at this one unfortunately as we had so many RSVP's'. or whatever. You can pretty much make up something that sounds nice...she IS invited to the 2nd party but not the first so it's not like you aren't inviting her anywhere at all. And seriously people have to understand how difficult it is to be planning these weddings and parties and be more respectful of people's time and money!

If you don't feel comfy saying anything about her not being invited to WP1 and just want to address the kid issue, I'd say 'actually it's an adults only function, so let us know if you need any assistance finding little Betty babysitting for that evening ok??'...or something along those lines. I would have no problem addressing this issue with her, at the very least. And no you guys are not being unreasonable at all. People who invite themselves to things AND want to bring their kids or entire families are. You are kind to be this concerned or worried over your friend's welfare but seriously...why would she put you in this position. Argh. Here I go, pet peeve again!!

 

[LitigatorChick]

This is a tough one. I am a mom to a 19 month old, so I can see both sides of this. I think you need to talk to your friend, and ask her whether she was planning to bring her daughter to the dinner. Explain to her your concerns. Can you work out a plan (ie. daughter is there for the beginning of dinner, but plays with the arranged sitter after, and mom can then check in)??? If you are good friends, there is a win-win situation here. I think, by your question, you are sensitive to your friends issue, so I think an open discussion is the best course of action.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 1/25/2008 11:05:10 AM
Author: Independent Gal
We thought about asking one of the staff if they might have a niece or neighbour or something whom Birdie could hire to babysit. But Birdie et al will be 1000''s of miles from home, and her daughter doesn''t speak the local language (actually, none of them do). As a mom, if someone suggested this (a babysitter who is a stranger to you, and doesn''t speak your kid''s language), would you feel OK about it? It would be on the premises (like, in the next room or just upstairs). I don''t know why I''m nervous to suggest it.

And no, there won''t be any other kids there. Just 30 adults.

Because, it may cause some hurt feelings/uncomfortableness. That''s normal, I wouldn''t like being in this position either. But, you just have to remind yourself that this is a once in a lifetime event, and it''s not like she''s not invited to anything else.

As for suggesting the babysitter on the premises, you can. I honestly don''t know how I''d feel as a mom, given the circumstances. Of course, she would be able to check on her when she wanted, that''s good.

Maybe she will opt not to go?

 

[Independent Gal]

This is the same woman who asked if she and her husband and baby could stay with my mom during the wedding, and when I said there wasn't really any room (me, FI, and Fi's sister and parents are staying there) she said 'well, how about us staying there after the wedding then?' You know, like having a holiday with my mom looking after them. As if my mom's first thought after all the wedding craziness is going to be 'Oh boy! More houseguests! hip hip hooray!'

So I already had to tell her that was a no go. I actually then remembered how when I was a student in London, living in one small room, she invited herself to stay with me for two weeks. TWO WEEKS! In my tiny room. So, I guess she's just like that.

They are definitely coming, because they have already bought their tickets, and this is an intercontinental type ticket. So, you see.

I think I will say this: Birdie honey, have you thought about what to do with Little Bird during the long dinner? This will not be a kid friendly table and the food will not be kid-friendly (any of you have toddlers who like fois gras?) and we're talking about a full evening here. We can help you find a sitter on-site if you like. Or perhaps you and Mr. Bird can take turns? But we just don't think this is an appropriate setting for a two year old.

Litigatorchik can you help me understand your perspective better? I mean, I understand not wanting to be away from your kid, and I understand being nervous about having a stranger watch your kid, but is there more to it than that? I mean, is it your view that every place should be a kid friendly place? And if so, would you expect the room and the table to be 'childproofed' and a kid-friendly meal to be provided? I just want to understand what Birdie's expectations and ideas might be, so that it will help me approach the issue.

 

[D2B]

No, she should definately not be bringing her toddler -
1. - it is not fair on the other guests as this is a FORMAL dinner
2. - it is not fair on the toddler to be asked to behave for 4 hours at a formal dinner
3. - it is rude of her not to check this out with you - you will need to put your foot down.

My toddler attended a family wedding recently, however, he attended from 6-8pm and then was put in bed upstair with family taking it in turns to mind him. during the entire dinner/function he had two set of grandparents on hand to help look after him and the event was not formal. It was dressy but relaxed. the one time he cried we straight away took him to the toilets.

Regarding getting a strange babysitter, I dont think many parents will be comfortable with this, for the obvious reason that you dont know them. That is why family members and ourselves took it in turns to look after our toddler.

I am assuming a formal dinner will start after 7pm and go on for many hours after this. She really is not thinking about what is best for her child, a 2 year old after 7pm will start to get tired and cranky, it is not their fault, it is the parents fault for keeping them up past their bedtime and putting them in an evironment that that is not appropriate.

You will need to let her know that the toddler cant come, I cant see how else this is going to end up but in a disaster. I mean, this is a formal dinner, what is she thinking.

. By your previouse post about her you will need to be assertive, firm and direct, otherwise she will walk all over you.

good luck,
I love my toddler and think they have a place at most weddings, but not to that type of event that you are describing.
Good luck, let us know what happens.

D2B

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 1/25/2008 12:22:16 PM
Author: Independent Gal
This is the same woman who asked if she and her husband and baby could stay with my mom during the wedding, and when I said there wasn''t really any room (me, FI, and Fi''s sister and parents are staying there) she said ''well, how about us staying there after the wedding then?'' You know, like having a holiday with my mom looking after them. As if my mom''s first thought after all the wedding craziness is going to be ''Oh boy! More houseguests! hip hip hooray!''

So I already had to tell her that was a no go. I actually then remembered how when I was a student in London, living in one small room, she invited herself to stay with me for two weeks. TWO WEEKS! In my tiny room. So, I guess she''s just like that.

They are definitely coming, because they have already bought their tickets, and this is an intercontinental type ticket. So, you see.

I think I will say this: Birdie honey, have you thought about what to do with Little Bird during the long dinner? This will not be a kid friendly table and the food will not be kid-friendly (any of you have toddlers who like fois gras?) and we''re talking about a full evening here. We can help you find a sitter on-site if you like. Or perhaps you and Mr. Bird can take turns? But we just don''t think this is an appropriate setting for a two year old.

Litigatorchik can you help me understand your perspective better? I mean, I understand not wanting to be away from your kid, and I understand being nervous about having a stranger watch your kid, but is there more to it than that? I mean, is it your view that every place should be a kid friendly place? And if so, would you expect the room and the table to be ''childproofed'' and a kid-friendly meal to be provided? I just want to understand what Birdie''s expectations and ideas might be, so that it will help me approach the issue.

Okay, I will give it a go. I think the items you mentioned would come to mind: my son and I are very "attached" (thanks, Dr. Sears!) and I hate being away from him. Also, I do have a problem having strangers watch him, so I can understand that.

Also, I don''t expect every place to be kid friendly, but sometime I take offence if people "look down" at my kid. So, if I am at a restaurant (nothing fancy, where I would not take him) and someone is glaring and being rude because my kid is babbling or whatever, I am offended by that. I don''t think that this is your situation at all, because I believe this type of event is not a "kid event", but that is the context.

Finally, as a new mom, I feel excluded from things. So, I was welcome to come over for coffee to your house before, but now that I have a little guy and I would bring him, we are not welcome (even if he behaves).

So, this is what your Birdie may be struggling with. Hope that helps!!!

 

[merricks_girl]

You''ve already received lots of advice, but I wanted to chime in since I also know both sides! I know the type of person your Birdie is - my sister invited herself and her kids to stay at my then new-husband (now ex) in his tiny flat in London for a week right after we were married. I ended up sleeping on the floor in the hallway and she drank all our wedding present wine...but that''s another story altogether!

For a long time, I specified if kids/babies were invited to parties we had - usually, not, because we have adult bevvies and as I went through a long and painful struggle with infertility, I frankly didn''t want them around! I''m embarrassed now to admit that I was one of the rolling-eyes-and-sighing ones if a babe was crying in a restaurant or other more formal situation (can we talk about concert halls?! Still haven''t changed my tune on that one, though!)

Fast forward a few years...I have a new life, a new man and a new wonderful baby. When he was teeny he came everywhere with us - including a wedding over the summer where he was a huge hit...but we are very aware parents and stayed in the back, and at the slightest hint of noise would leave with him. However, he''s now a very active 1-year-old and there''s no way I would assume he was included nor would I dream of taking him unless it were explicitly stated!

I''m one of the parents who hates to leave him wiht strangers (we have one sitter we use!), but if someone hired a sitter and they were in the next room where one of us could duck out to check on him frequently, I''d be completley happy with that. Could you look around for someone who speaks their local language and then just tell your friend that a sitter has been hired? I know it may be awkward, but you really deserve to have the evening you want. It might be worth looking for local professional sitting organizations and just putting out feelers - Craigslist has locales all over the world, so maybe that could be a resource?

Good luck with it - I''d like to know how it turns out!

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks Litigator and thanks to all the rest of you too. (And welcome Merrick's girl!) That does help. I am certainly not one of those people who looks down my nose at kids and I think Birdie knows that. When I'm in town, Little Bird always comes with us when we do Ladies Who Lunch or go to a museum or whatnot, and I've invited her to come visit us in the US with the baby. I believe kids belong MOST places, but not all places: movies, theaters, concerts, restaurants where people pay a lot of money for the AMBIENCE not just the food, bars, fundraisers, and anywhere they are not invited... these are kid free zones. Otherwise, I love when I see people bring their kids everywhere. Good for the parents, and good for the kids who get exposed to more people, places, and things.

But if there's fair reason to think that a baby or small child will radically disrupt the enjoyment of others because of the nature of the event, I think they should be left at home.

I don't think Birdie means to 'walk all over me'. We've been friends for 25 years, and I think she thinks of me sort of like a sister, and by extension, thinks that my family is her family and her family is my family. But while I love her, I just don't feel quite like that and I KNOW my mom (who's barely seen her since she was, like, 15) doesn't feel that way. I would NEVER thikn of imposing on her mom, e.g. And, frankly, I'd kill my actual sister if she came to stay wtih me for two weeks in a tiny room.

So, part of it is that, each time I put my foot down, it's not just saying 'NO.' It's saying 'You're not my sister.' Which she isn't. But you see what I mean.

Sadly, Birdie can't leave Little Bird at home 1000's of miles away, and I think the next room over at my mom's place, plus sitter, would be safer than at their hotel plus sitter. Maybe she'll prefer to take turns with her husband. But then part of me feels like 'Come ON! You flew all this way to celebrate with us. Can't you at least enjoy this meticulously prepared meal with us without jumping up every 2 minutes?' But I guess the answer to that will probably be 'no.' So be it!

I'll write to her now and let you guys know what happens.

 

[Independent Gal]

One more thing - do you think I should offer to pay for the sitter? Is that my responsibility? I mean, I didn''t invite her, so part of me feels like ''No damn way am I paying for a sitter!'' but part of me feels like that will make it easier to put my foot down.

Thoughts?

 

[VegasAngel]

Date: 1/25/2008 1:01:32 PM
Author: LitigatorChick

Date: 1/25/2008 12:22:16 PM
Author: Independent Gal
This is the same woman who asked if she and her husband and baby could stay with my mom during the wedding, and when I said there wasn''t really any room (me, FI, and Fi''s sister and parents are staying there) she said ''well, how about us staying there after the wedding then?'' You know, like having a holiday with my mom looking after them. As if my mom''s first thought after all the wedding craziness is going to be ''Oh boy! More houseguests! hip hip hooray!''

So I already had to tell her that was a no go. I actually then remembered how when I was a student in London, living in one small room, she invited herself to stay with me for two weeks. TWO WEEKS! In my tiny room. So, I guess she''s just like that.

They are definitely coming, because they have already bought their tickets, and this is an intercontinental type ticket. So, you see.

I think I will say this: Birdie honey, have you thought about what to do with Little Bird during the long dinner? This will not be a kid friendly table and the food will not be kid-friendly (any of you have toddlers who like fois gras?) and we''re talking about a full evening here. We can help you find a sitter on-site if you like. Or perhaps you and Mr. Bird can take turns? But we just don''t think this is an appropriate setting for a two year old.

Litigatorchik can you help me understand your perspective better? I mean, I understand not wanting to be away from your kid, and I understand being nervous about having a stranger watch your kid, but is there more to it than that? I mean, is it your view that every place should be a kid friendly place? And if so, would you expect the room and the table to be ''childproofed'' and a kid-friendly meal to be provided? I just want to understand what Birdie''s expectations and ideas might be, so that it will help me approach the issue.

Okay, I will give it a go. I think the items you mentioned would come to mind: my son and I are very ''attached'' (thanks, Dr. Sears!) and I hate being away from him. Also, I do have a problem having strangers watch him, so I can understand that.

Also, I don''t expect every place to be kid friendly, but sometime I take offence if people ''look down'' at my kid. So, if I am at a restaurant (nothing fancy, where I would not take him) and someone is glaring and being rude because my kid is babbling or whatever, I am offended by that. I don''t think that this is your situation at all, because I believe this type of event is not a ''kid event'', but that is the context.

Finally, as a new mom, I feel excluded from things. So, I was welcome to come over for coffee to your house before, but now that I have a little guy and I would bring him, we are not welcome (even if he behaves).

So, this is what your Birdie may be struggling with. Hope that helps!!!

There are people who are intolerant of kids no matter how well behaved they are. In a family friendly, public place too bad. Although, nothing is worse than a parent who wont take their screaming food throwing kid outside for a breather. Weddings are private events if kids arent welcomed, they arent welcomed. What kid wants to sit through a wedding or formal dinner, anyway? I didnt like leaving my daughter with anyone when she was a baby now, I''m so happy to leave her with grandma. I cant enjoy anything when she is out with us. Honestly, I dont even take her to family get togethers anymore. She is very active & NEVER sits down. I spend the entire time chasing her.

 

[VegasAngel]

Date: 1/25/2008 1:27:50 PM
Author: Independent Gal
One more thing - do you think I should offer to pay for the sitter? Is that my responsibility? I mean, I didn''t invite her, so part of me feels like ''No damn way am I paying for a sitter!'' but part of me feels like that will make it easier to put my foot down.

Thoughts?

I wouldnt, I would just offer to help find a sitter. Maybe this is what she needs since she feels like where ever she goes her child is automatically included. I''m mean, sorry. Someone asked if they could bring their child to my babyshower, guess what I said...

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Altho my toddler days a long behind me, I do not forget the times where I felt guilty leaving my son behind with a capable sitter; yet the fact remains there are places/situations/occasions that are not toddler friendly nor are appropriate for them to attend. A formal sit down dinner is such an occasion.

Is there any chance that she could attend alone and leave her child behind with the rest of her family (you mentiend she invited herself and "family" along....). Or does an invited member who lives local to the event have a responsible teenager that can sit?

cheers--Sharon

 

[strmrdr]

ot but some people sound like they need a laugh :}

http://joe-ks.com/archives_may2005/Elastic_Baby.htm

 

[strmrdr]

possible answer:
didn't read the whole thing so this might have been suggested already....
is there a teen or 2 in the family you could hire to babysit for anyone that needs one at a designated location?
Someone who speaks the language.

That is usually the solution for this type of thing with out of state or country guests with kids.
It isn't that expensive too do either,,,, $30 each for the babysitters and some food for the kids.

 

[mrssalvo]

honestly, i always love when we get invited to no kids functions b/c I love the opportunity to spend time with my hubby and friends without having to make sure my kids are behaving and entertained. No way would my kids last though a 4 hour dinner, and if i didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a sitter, then I'd opt not to go. A couple of years ago I stayed home from a no kids Christmas party b/c my sitter backed out. I just wouldn't dream of taking them and it doesn't mean I don't love them or miss them when we're apart, i just think it's healthy for adults to do things without their kids from time to time.

to answer your question, if you've known her for 25 years, i think being direct and honest is best. I'd say, hey Birdie, you mentioned that you are planning on coming to the first party with your child and I just wanted to let you know that we actually planned two events so we could have the first event with just adults. no kids will be coming, and then your child would be more than welcome to come to the 2nd event. We'd love for you to come to the first party though and I'd be more than happy to try and help you find a sitter if you would be open to that. If not, then out of repect to all the other folks I'd ask that you and your child just join us for the second celebration. I honestly don't know why anyone would get offended when kids are invited. it's YOUR wedding and celebration, it should be the way you want it.

 

[divergrrl]

two words:

DUCT TAPE.

No seriously, I have a 3 year old with great table manners, and I have to say, we have our share of food on the floor. They are toddlers and even the best behaved ones have bad moments. You never get a warning as to when that will be either.

Also...the most amount of time you can expect from a child that age to sit patiently at a table is....BRACE YOURSELF.....7 MINUTES. no lie. I read that and it made me feel better as to why my kid wouldn''t hang out with us longer at the table.

You have 2 choices. (the first one I did at my wedding)

Call the mom who is bringing her child and say "while I love Toddler, this particular dinner is not appropriate for a child, so I have to ask that you not bring him/her."
If she balks..well pooh on her.

OR...if you have room in your budget:

"This particular dinner is not appropriate for a child, so we have arranged for child care onsite for our friends with small children."

I have 2 kids (4mo & 3 years) and just yesterday I had a friend call & invite my dh & I to a wine tasting. She asked us to get a sitter. (I would have anyway, but I respect her desire for an adult only event. My other girlfriend thew an elaborate dinner party at her house & invited us, and she asked me to leave the kids at home too. But this is also my friend who calls up & invites the kids over for dinner so I know she''s just letting me know what kind of event it is and I respect that.

Besides, dinners without toddlers are fun for me. LOL.

 

[Independent Gal]

Ahahaha! So, I got a note back from Birdie. I wrote to her and basically said 'mom and I were thinking that this party is really not going to be toddler friendly, so how about we help you find a sitter and Li'l Bird can play in the next room?' Which I think is straightforward. And she wrote back saying couldn't we just get Little Bird a highchair so that she could sit at the table with us?

Well, actually, no. First of all, my mom doesn't have a high chair. My mom's house is not a family restaurant. Why would she have a high chair? I guess she'd have to buy one? Is that what my friend is expecting?? ??? Again, I guess I'd be more inclined to ask my mom to go out of her way to accomodate her if Li'l Bird had actually been invited.

But secondly, that is anyway beside the point.

OK, now I'm a leeettle bit pissed. Maybe it's just an e-mail misunderstanding. You know the kind.

 

[Independent Gal]

Diver you know, this is another thing. The thing about dinners without toddlers being fun for you and wanting to spend time as grown-ups with your husband. My friend''s marriage has been shaky, and she is definitely more attached to Li''l Bird than to her husband, and I must admit that the fact that for the last two years, she has NEVER gone on a date with her husband or spent time alone with him strikes me as not really helping the situation (or maybe just evidence of it).

But that''s not really my business. She hasn''t asked my advice in a while, so I haven''t offered it.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 1/25/2008 2:25:05 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Ahahaha! So, I got a note back from Birdie. I wrote to her and basically said 'mom and I were thinking that this party is really not going to be toddler friendly, so how about we help you find a sitter and Li'l Bird can play in the next room?' Which I think is straightforward. And she wrote back saying couldn't we just get Little Bird a highchair so that she could sit at the table with us?

Well, actually, no. First of all, my mom doesn't have a high chair. My mom's house is not a family restaurant. Why would she have a high chair? I guess she'd have to buy one? Is that what my friend is expecting?? ??? Again, I guess I'd be more inclined to ask my mom to go out of her way to accomodate her if Li'l Bird had actually been invited.

But secondly, that is anyway beside the point.

OK, now I'm a leeettle bit pissed. Maybe it's just an e-mail misunderstanding. You know the kind.

Oh no, I would tell her no kids at all since it would be unfair to make an exception for yours and not others (not sure if there are other mothers but it may help). The more you give in a little the more they push, yanno; it is one of those things you have to be firm about.
I had the same problem for my wedding, it really turned out to be a mess. It amazes me how strong some people feel about their kids and how they feel they should bring them to these kinds of events.

 

[divergrrl]

oh, this is what I get for not reading the whole thread before replying.

Since it is inter-continental & they are bringing their kids, I would have to say you would be doing a good thing by providing child care. Personally, if I were your friend, I''d have left my child at home...but perhaps they have no one reliable to leave their kid with, and truly, I''m dreading going on vacation without my kids myself, for worry & for missing them. I can''t imagine going across an ocean from them right now.

And if I were in Birdies shoes, I might be reluctant to leave my child with a strange sitter, but if you find a qualified nanny service, this should not be an issue. Make sure the room is close at hand so parents can check on their children easily. Have age appropriate activities for the kids. HTH.

And if all else fails, I still stand by my suggestion of Duct Tape.

 

[TravelingGal]

IG, you're being too nice.

It's not, "mom and I were thinking"...it should be, "we are not having babies,toddlers,kids at this party, I'm sorry." End of story. She is obviously clueless so you will have to drop a ton of bricks on her. If she still wants to come, great. If not, tough nuggies.

 

[divergrrl]

oh she's the only kid. No problem. Yes, since its in a strange country, I think the responsibility does fall on you to provide/pay for a sitter for the evening. If she lived in town, that'd a different thing. And like someone said, it should be Lil Birds bedtime, so she really should not be out anyway. But that's another issue.

Since its 1000 miles from home for her, your mom is a better resource for lining up the care. It wouldn't cost more than $40 to $75 usd for a few hours, so its not that big a deal.

Good luck!