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Opinions please--formal wedding for people who are already married

missy

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It probably also has to do with the guilt of knowing something others don’t.

Being around people with strange situations (eloping on a hike, getting a gay marriage secretly, etc.), I am okay with most things. The only time I got offended was when a couple went through the wedding and celebration, only to reveal later they broke up before the “celebration.” :shock:
You know what (mildly)irked me at the time it happened? Greg's friend got engaged and had a party and we gave him an engagement gift. Then he got married and of course we gave him a wedding gift. Then he got divorced in a few months and we were sad for him. He got engaged again less than a year later and had another engagement party and we got him another engagement gift. A few days (one day?) later they broke up and we never got the gifts back. What is etiquette regarding that I wonder. We didn't think about it either way at the time. However Greg and I were engaged at that time and we got married less than a year later (we never had a formal engagement party or shower but that's a personal decision as I did not want gifts for the same reason multiple times if you kwim) and this same fellow RSVPd to our wedding that he was coming and then 1. didn't show up and 2. never gave us a gift.

:lol:

Laughing about it because this was exactly what I would expect from C G who was not someone with good judgment and was someone the world revolved around. Just ask him. :P2 Conceited and narcissistic would be an understatement.

Sorry for the thread jack but different strokes for different folks. And in the end it really doesn't matter. What matters is our own personal life and business and what others do isn't my business (unless it affects me in a real way) and what others think of me is also not my business. It's a lot easier to enjoy life if you remember these 2 general principles. IMO.
 

Jambalaya

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I know exactly how you feel! Years ago, a friend got married, and it was a destination wedding. I couldn't make it. It was in her home country, and was a big affair. About a year later, I attended the "real" wedding, which was here, and was just a few friends witnessing them exchanging vows on a bridge and some food back at their house.

When I realized that the big wedding abroad wasn't her "real" wedding, I felt really glad that I hadn't shelled out lots of money to attend.

It wasn't disclosed, and a mutual friend who was a guest at the destination wedding was very surprised when the second "real" wedding came along!

So I guess this is the other way round - they weren't married at the big destination wedding, but did the real one later.

I thought it was really odd that they didn't actually get married at the big wedding, and yes, I thought it was sneaky.
 

Jambalaya

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P.S. When you attend a wedding, you assume that you're witnessing two people getting wed, unless you've been informed otherwise. It's odd when it turns out not to be the case, and it does feel deceptive.
 

stracci2000

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P.S. When you attend a wedding, you assume that you're witnessing two people getting wed, unless you've been informed otherwise. It's odd when it turns out not to be the case, and it does feel deceptive.
Very well said, @Jambalaya.
I think this was @Elizabeth35 's point all along.
 

Tekate

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Great post, my thoughts completely. My niece married first because of citizenship in England required a timeframe etc. I was disappointed that I didn't get to see her marry for the first time. We of course rejoiced and love she and her wonderful husband. I feel it's personal. Her wedding was fabulous and she has been living in England for 3 years now very happily!

some of these responses are a little harsh.... it's fine if the couple gets legally married first for whatever reason and discloses or doesn't disclose in my opinion but i can understand someone being disappointed...and at least in the US, where some brides demand a year or more of events celebrating and gifting them, i could see how patience would wear thin esp if the couple acts like in @liaerfbv 's example... weddings are demanding of guests - time, money, etc. you'd hope the couple shows understanding, appreciation, and tact in return.
 

Tekate

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What I am hearing in your words is that you are getting married and a year later you are having a 1 year anniversary party. A reception is to celebrate an event, and your event was a year earlier, it is your right of course to celebrate whenever you want but I think most people will think it unusual to celebrate a wedding a year earlier.. Yes I understand European weddings (my niece was married in Venice and my nephew is getting married next year in France and will have one ceremony then the other then the reception).. I question a person's choice who hides the fact that they are already married, not that I would care but I would find it peculiar they didn't broadcast it around).

What interesting timing. We plan to have a ceremony with just family and a reception maybe a year later. There are a few reasons we are doing it but it’s not their business. It is our decision. I never thought to make it secret. Getting married is a big deal and I don’t want another large ceremony. Celebrate without over analyzing their decisions. Luckily I doubt there is anyone IRL who would question or judge this choice.
 

Tekate

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one more thing! here's my wedding schedule in 1987

1) got engaged New Years Eve 86/87
2) got pregnant New Years eve 86/87
3) went on honeymoon to Tahiti/Bora Bora etc May of 87
4) Got married June of 87 and invited close friends, not even family
5) Husband had bachelor party August of 87
6) Had baby shower at work August of 87
7) Son born September 87

if you don't think THIS went over like lead balloons in both families I gotta bridge for you all.

So I must also add, I told my sister I was getting married and she told my mom and my mother showed up at traffic court in Poughkeepsie at 8:00 a.m. to be there, I didn't even tell my mom.

We decided on not having a big 'reception' later on, but we did have a party - NO GIFTS as we were already in our 30s and had been married b4 to others.
 

Tacori E-ring

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What I am hearing in your words is that you are getting married and a year later you are having a 1 year anniversary party. A reception is to celebrate an event, and your event was a year earlier, it is your right of course to celebrate whenever you want but I think most people will think it unusual to celebrate a wedding a year earlier.. Yes I understand European weddings (my niece was married in Venice and my nephew is getting married next year in France and will have one ceremony then the other then the reception).. I question a person's choice who hides the fact that they are already married, not that I would care but I would find it peculiar they didn't broadcast it around).
I guess we'll find out! Haha. I am sure it will be phrased more like an anniversary party. We do not plan on having another ceremony so it will not be a secret. We aren't expecting showers or gifts. I hope the people we choose to celebrate us will be there for that, not to judge or question our decisions. The only time I thought someone's ceremony/wedding choice was different was when my step-cousin got married with no one there as a witness (that they knew). It was just the two of them. It was different but hey, that's what they wanted.
 

kipari

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Interesting thread. To me it evoked the question of what's the "real wedding" and how you determine that... @Jambalaya would you care to chime in why the big wedding wasn't the real one? Maybe for the couple it was (felt like it ) ?

Since one needs to get married legally before any religious or other ceremony anyways in my neck of the world, people know they'll be two different dates usually. Views differ greatly :

If you're religious, the legal town hall one is just a formality and OBVIOUSLY the church wedding is the real deal.


If you're not having another type of celebration, you can make the town hall ceremony very elaborate. So then to you OBVIOUSLY that's the real deal.

If you're generally low key, you can opt to not have witnesses other than administrative staff or none at all. It'll still be the real deal to you.

Or to you and partner the legal one feels the real deal but to your religious mom&dad the church date is all that counts...

If you do your legal ceremony on a different date, people generally don't expect to be informed when that took place....

We're from different countries, so we thought it'd be a nice touch to have one part in each country. Didn't have the choice where to do what, since in France one cannot do the legal part without being resident. So we did town hall in Germany and church in France. 6 months apart.

Happy (Very happy ♥ ♥ ) memories attached to both....

So if the couple decides to keep their prior date a secret I wouldn't give it much thought since they obviously tried to not ruffle any feathers with certain family members... Understandable to me. The only problem I'd have personally if someone expected me to lie to cover anything up....


Eta: weddings seem to be less demanding for guests here, I'll add. You pick a reasonably priced gift from a list and that's it. People don't expect huge sums or showers or anything like that. You show up, get excellent food and free drinks and dance into the next day. No multiple date=multiple gift nonsense. At least that's what it was like for all of our friends and family without any exceptions.
 
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FinleysMom

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If Episcopalian: the MARRIAGE ceremony takes place once the proper and LEGAL licensing of the State is obtained. Then the church ceremony is a marriage ceremony.

IF one has already gotten legally married by a justice of the peace ....then the church ceremony is a “blessing of the marriage” . The verbiage is similar as the wedding ceremony but leaves out phrases such as who gives the bride away etc.

I once attended a wedding under this circumstance where the bride had NOT told the parents that they had already married in the legal sense. I thought the bride was self centered to say the least. She was ordering the officiating Priest around trying to get him to use the marriage ceremony. Uh no. ( I was there as a key holder to the building...not a guest of the wedding). What a circus.
 

missy

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weddings seem to be less demanding for guests here, I'll add. You pick a reasonably priced gift from a list and that's it. People don't expect huge sums or showers or anything like that. You show up, get excellent food and free drinks and dance into the next day. No multiple date=multiple gift nonsense. At least that's what it was like for all of our friends and family without any exceptions.
It depends on the couple. My friends and I did not do these multiple gift events but yes many here do. But it truly depends on the couple in question and I will say the great majority of my friends only had the wedding or the wedding and a shower and not a wedding and shower and engagement party as I have seem some do here.

But then again it could be a generational thing. We also did not have "Push" Presents per se and the first time I heard of those was on PS. I am all for Push presents though. I mean you all deserve a big beautiful diamond or whatever your gift of choice is for creating and carrying another human being for 9 months!
 

FinleysMom

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Wow. You keep emphasising how "old fashioned" you are. Does that make your critique less judgmental? You're only 61, not 91, and far from the Victorian era, so I'm surprised that you feel so much shock and pearl clutching. Aren't you from the hippie generation? Free love and all that? QUOTE]


Dear Tigertales.....the hippie generation occurred in the 1960’s. As one who is 61, I was in elementary school......we did not “hook up” like the Millenials do. LOL!
 

Calliecake

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This thread has been thought provoking. I married almost 30 years ago. At that time I would not have felt married if I wasn’t married in a church by a minister. It’s funny how much our views can change with life experience and age.
 

kipari

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We also did not have "Push" Presents per se and the first time I heard of those was on PS. I am all for Push presents though. I mean you all deserve a big beautiful diamond or whatever your gift of choice is for creating and carrying another human being for 9 months!
Funny how traditions differ.... I know both my grandmothers (born 1910 in Germany & 1916 in Poland) already got bling from their husbands for each child. And yes, I'm also very convinced I deserve major bling after 9 months of ailments and a delivery :lol-2:
 

kipari

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ETA : obviously it wasn't called push present. My grandmothers would have fainted at any hint at the actual delivery, I think... I guess the stork flew by Cartier or something like that....
 
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