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Offering a diamond ring to MIL has backfired on me :(

Natylad

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So, i really wasn't sure of whether i should post this story and ask for everybody's opinions or not, but i just can't get over it, i can't stop thinking about it and you guys are the only ones to whom i feel i can talk about this issue...
Some time ago i decided to use the diamonds and the gold from an old ring that i had and wasn't really wearing, in order to make a new half eternity band for my MIL, whose entire jewelry collection had been stolen from her house (and they didn't have any insurance :( )
I have posted a thread about it and here is the link to it:
[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/mils-new-bling-yellow-gold-half-eternity-band.156535/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/mils-new-bling-yellow-gold-half-eternity-band.156535/[/URL]

So yesterday afternoon my husband and i were going through some old pictures of me that he had never seen and we were having lots of fun...Suddenly, i saw a picture of myself, showing off the old diamond ring which i recycled in order to make his mom's new ring. I told him: Wow, look, this is the ring from which i took the diamonds for your mom's half eternity band! Guess what was my husband's reaction..."What? Are you sure???" I said, yeah, of course i'm sure, could i ever be wrong about this?
Well, he said, ehm...these diamonds look white...My mom told me some time ago that the diamonds of the ring that you gave her were kind of...yellow... :-o
Just to clear things, i have lost the in house appraisal of that old diamond ring of mine that i used to make the new MIL's ring. But i specifically remember that according to it the diamonds were I color and VS clarity. Definitely, those diamonds weren't as white as the ones on my E color half eternity band but i wouldn't describe them as yellow either and i am color sensitive, that's why i decided to go down on carat size for my ER in order to get the E color (and the VVS2 clarity).

Needless to say that i am in a shock...I just can't believe this...And i'm thinking that even if she didn't think that those diamonds were white enough for her, she shouldn't have said anything to my husband and opened a whole discussion about it :errrr: I guess, i would have never EVER thought of saying anything of the sort to anybody if i had received such a gift from a person who didn't owe me anything and yet she had decided to make this piece of jewelry for me in order to please me instead of keeping the stones for herself and using them for a project of her own (i would have used the diamonds for a bracelet if i hadn't made the ring for my MIL).

My husband realized that i felt extremely hurt and, well, in a way offended too and he said that he regretted saying anything to me, but i personally think that it's best that i know the truth. I just can't get over the enormous disappointment that i felt and now i'm thinking that i shouldn't ever consider offering again in the future such an expensive piece to anybody and risk feeling so frustrated and insulted because they might not appreciate it and they might make such negative remarks on it...

What do you guys think? Am i overreacting here? Maybe i am...I'd like to hear what you think of the story... :(sad

I'm posting below two of the ring's pictures that i posted at my previous thread, when i wanted to share the new ring with all of you before offering it to my MIL. The grey color that you see is the reflection of the dark grey counter on which i was taking the pics...
 

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VRBeauty

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If she says the diamonds "look kind of yellow" to her it's a statement of how she physically perceives the diamonds, not of how she feels about the ring you had made for her or about your gift. In other words I'm assuming that the statement was, for her, a statement of fact and not an opinion that was intended to hurt you, because there's nothing else in your narrative to indicate that it's intended to hurt you.

The ring you had made for your MIL is a beautiful ring, and I'm sure the diamonds are beautiful no matter what color they might be. More importantly, the gift was a gift from the heart, and a beautiful gesture. Do you have good reason to believe that your MIL does not like the ring, or that her comment was meant as an insult? If not, maybe you should try to let it go?

ETA - I think Kenny said what I was trying to say, but a bit more succinctly - in other words, ditto Kenny! :wink2:
 

Natylad

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VRBeauty|1309590821|2960457 said:
If she says the diamonds "look kind of yellow" to her it's a statement of how she physically perceives the diamonds, not of how she feels about the ring you had made for her or about your gift. In other words I'm assuming that the statement was, for her, a statement of fact and not an opinion that was intended to hurt you, because there's nothing else in your narrative to indicate that it's intended to hurt you.

The ring you had made for your MIL is a beautiful ring, and I'm sure the diamonds are beautiful no matter what color they might be. More importantly, the gift was a gift from the heart, and a beautiful gesture. Do you have good reason to believe that your MIL does not like the ring, or that her comment was meant as an insult? If not, maybe you should try to let it go?

ETA - I think Kenny said what I was trying to say, but a bit more succinctly - in other words, ditto Kenny! :wink2:
VRBeauty (and Kenny!) thank you for your opinions and thoughts. They made me feel a little better, i have to admit...
VRBeauty, i guess somebody who wasn't so much interested and educated in diamonds wouldn't have perceived the "the diamonds look kind of yellow" remark as negative but as neutral. I guess, because i am a Pricescoper and because here we spend a lot of time discussing how yellow tint in diamonds is not a very desirable characteristic (unless we're talking about fancy yellow stones), i took this comment wrong. To me it sounded like: "these diamonds look kind of...included"...Now that would also be a statement of how she perceived the stones but nobody would consider it just a statement of a fact...i guess most people would consider it as a negative remark on the quality of the stones. That's how i perceived the..."kind of yellow" comment...Maybe i was wrong indeed...and i really hope i was.
 

mayerling

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Naty mou, it's a beautiful ring and a very thoughtful gesture on your part. I don't know if I would have ever been so generous with my in-laws!

I understand where you're coming from and how you perceived what she said as a negative comment on your present, but I do think that it's a consequence of being on PS where if something isn't as white as can be it's no good (though there are some PSers who like warmer colours). I don't think you should let it get to you. She was probably making a matter-of-fact comment which had nothing to do with whether she appreciates the ring or not. Do you know if she's made any other comments on it? How did she react when you first gave it to her?

Think positively and, again, bravo gia ti gennaiodoria sou!
 

Pandora II

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All diamonds set in yellow gold are going to look yellowish whatever the colour grade and this is enhanced if the stones are smaller sizes.

I wouldn't worry too much. Did your husband elaborate on the context of her comment?
 

diamondseeker2006

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Yep, I was going to say what Pandora said. In my opinion, when diamonds are set in a yellow gold ring, the heads (prongs) that hold the stones should always be white gold or platinum. My original e-ring was made that way, as well as all of the yg rings of everyone I know. You have I color stones with yg prong tips reflecting in them, so naturally they are going to appear more yellow than they are. The jeweler could be asked if there is any way to rhodium plate everything but the shank, but I don't know if that can be done or not. Otherwise, the setting needs to be remade to have white gold at the top, and I think that will solve the problem.

In one way I think it is terrible that your husband told you, but on the other hand, this CAN be fixed one way or another. We had someone recently who set earrings in yg settings with 8 prongs and she was very unhappy until she reset in white gold 4 prongs. It made a world of difference in the appearance of the stones.
 

slg47

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well...I would be offended. it was a gift and a very generous one. I am not sure why she told your husband that the diamonds look sort of yellow!
 

jewelerman

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i wouldn't take the comment to heart...some people don't know that a comment like that could be hurtful.Some people process their questions out loud rather then in their head ...it looks like it runs in the family with both your husband and his mother. One way that you might put this concern to bed is to find the old appraisal for the ring and casually sharing it with her showing her that the diamonds are white or start a conversation where you can slip in the grading information on the ring.You might even offer to have the new ring appraised for insurance, which she would appreciate because of the whole jewelry theft thing in the past.But what ever you do don't ask or have a long emotional conversation with her about the comment to your husband...let that be in the past...little things like this if not handled right can create bigger resentments.I'm sure the ring is no less loved today then when it was received.
 

y2kitty

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Was there more to comment? You can take a lot of innocuous statements out of context and end up hurt by them. Maybe the statement was something like "the diamonds are kind of yellow but it was such a sweet and thoughtful gift that I treasure".
 

tigian

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My first reaction was I would be offended if I were you, Naty. I think most people, regardless of being a PSer, knows that diamonds shouldn't be yellow, unless fancy. She could have said anything else about the ring: thoughtful, sweet, sparkly, special, etc.
But, if your MIL is usually polite and appreciative, I think you should overlook it. How does she react to other things?
 

Natylad

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mayerling|1309597819|2960473 said:
Naty mou, it's a beautiful ring and a very thoughtful gesture on your part. I don't know if I would have ever been so generous with my in-laws!

I understand where you're coming from and how you perceived what she said as a negative comment on your present, but I do think that it's a consequence of being on PS where if something isn't as white as can be it's no good (though there are some PSers who like warmer colours). I don't think you should let it get to you. She was probably making a matter-of-fact comment which had nothing to do with whether she appreciates the ring or not. Do you know if she's made any other comments on it? How did she react when you first gave it to her?

Think positively and, again, bravo gia ti gennaiodoria sou!
Thank you Mayerling for the support!!! When i first gave her the ring she seemed to be very happy and grateful and she wore it two or thee times in the following days. She definitely didn't make any comment on the diamonds' color and she didn't seem to make any negative thoughts on the ring. I'm wondering whether she showed the ring to somebody in order to show it off and that somebody felt very jealous both of the ring and our wonderful relationship and threw this comment to her just in order to cause a trouble...Unfortunately my husband wouldn't give me any more details on when she made this comment to him and how did this idea get in her mind...and i don't want to open the discussion again because i wouldn't want to blow this out of proportion with him. It seems that he's biting his tongue now and i realize that this just slipped out of his mouth by mistake...i'm sure that he never had the intention to say anything about this to me...
 

Natylad

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Pandora|1309604415|2960498 said:
All diamonds set in yellow gold are going to look yellowish whatever the colour grade and this is enhanced if the stones are smaller sizes.

I wouldn't worry too much. Did your husband elaborate on the context of her comment?
Yes Pandora, i am aware of that and actually in the picture of me wearing the ring before the...recycling project (the one that Dh saw), the setting was in white gold and that is exactly why my husband said that the diamonds looked so white and whether i was sure that they were the same ones that were used for MIL's ring!
And as i said before, he didn't get into details on the context of her comment...
 

Natylad

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diamondseeker2006|1309611964|2960531 said:
Yep, I was going to say what Pandora said. In my opinion, when diamonds are set in a yellow gold ring, the heads (prongs) that hold the stones should always be white gold or platinum. My original e-ring was made that way, as well as all of the yg rings of everyone I know. You have I color stones with yg prong tips reflecting in them, so naturally they are going to appear more yellow than they are. The jeweler could be asked if there is any way to rhodium plate everything but the shank, but I don't know if that can be done or not. Otherwise, the setting needs to be remade to have white gold at the top, and I think that will solve the problem.

In one way I think it is terrible that your husband told you, but on the other hand, this CAN be fixed one way or another. We had someone recently who set earrings in yg settings with 8 prongs and she was very unhappy until she reset in white gold 4 prongs. It made a world of difference in the appearance of the stones.
Diamondseeker, i would really like to fix this for her so that it doesn't bother her, but i don't know how i should bring it up...Supposedly i don't know anything about her comment and i don't want to...expose DH to her and reveal that he ever said anything!
 

Natylad

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slg47|1309618851|2960572 said:
well...I would be offended. it was a gift and a very generous one. I am not sure why she told your husband that the diamonds look sort of yellow!
Thanks slg47, it's good to see that i'm not crazy and that other people understand where i'm coming from...
 

Natylad

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jewelerman|1309619984|2960585 said:
i wouldn't take the comment to heart...some people don't know that a comment like that could be hurtful.Some people process their questions out loud rather then in their head ...it looks like it runs in the family with both your husband and his mother. One way that you might put this concern to bed is to find the old appraisal for the ring and casually sharing it with her showing her that the diamonds are white or start a conversation where you can slip in the grading information on the ring.You might even offer to have the new ring appraised for insurance, which she would appreciate because of the whole jewelry theft thing in the past.But what ever you do don't ask or have a long emotional conversation with her about the comment to your husband...let that be in the past...little things like this if not handled right can create bigger resentments.I'm sure the ring is no less loved today then when it was received.
Jewererman i understand your piont of view...And no, i would never open a conversation about this and cause an emotional drama :)
Finding the old appraisal is impossible but i could have the ring appraised for her. The only problem is that we live in different countries and this procedure wouldn't be easy... :roll:
 

Natylad

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herekittykitty|1309621005|2960592 said:
Was there more to comment? You can take a lot of innocuous statements out of context and end up hurt by them. Maybe the statement was something like "the diamonds are kind of yellow but it was such a sweet and thoughtful gift that I treasure".
Herekittykitty, i really hope that this was the spirit!!!
 

Natylad

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tigian|1309622185|2960603 said:
My first reaction was I would be offended if I were you, Naty. I think most people, regardless of being a PSer, knows that diamonds shouldn't be yellow, unless fancy. She could have said anything else about the ring: thoughtful, sweet, sparkly, special, etc.
But, if your MIL is usually polite and appreciative, I think you should overlook it. How does she react to other things?
Tigian my MIL is in general very polite and appreciative, that's why i suspected that somebody else who saw the ring and felt jealous said this to her and put the idea in her mind...
 

Amber St. Clare

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What you did was more than kind, sweet and generous. I'm sorry you were hurt by the comment and I hope i was taken out of context.
{you know how men are}.

The ring is beautiful.

If I ever become a mother in law I would HOPE that my DIL felt as positive about me as you did about her to do something so special.
 

bagelboy

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Sorry that your feelings were hurt as I see a very beautiful ring. So I can sympathize with you. Of course, if it was a yellow gold setting then I think it will relect that color. Also, it probably needs a good cleaning too. Perhaps when you talk on the phone to her, just bring up a story about a good "friend" who recently cleaned her ring and found her diamonds to be so much whiter. You can also mention that a white gold setting will also help, but in some countries wearing yellow gold is both a status symbol and more importantly imparts a better aura to your whole being. Pure gold being the best or as close to that as possible like 22K or 23K. American 14K is usually judged as inferior gold. So she may never ever wish to switch to a white gold setting. And I think that somebody a bit jealous of your MIL pointed out those "yellow" diamonds and your MIL just repeated them. I would let her comments go, she most likely not intending to be hurtful in any way, shape or form. But a good cleaning certainly help! It really is a beautiful ring and an extremely thoughtful gift.
 

Hera

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I'm sorry, I can see how that would hurt your feeling and sound maybe a little ungrateful. Still, I can see how she can see a little yellow from the reflection of the yellow gold. How about a quick fix by rhodium plating? I don't know how rhodium works with her skin but on mine it lasts a looooong time.
 

AmeliaG

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Awww, natyLad, I'm sure she still appreciates your generous gift if her reaction in your first thread is any indication.

if your MIL is generally polite and appreciative, she still appreciates it. Your DH said she made the comment awhile back so she may not even remember it.
 

diamondseeker2006

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I would just explain to your husband the problem with the yellow gold prongs and tell him if the ring topic comes up again, he should say that the yellow is coming from the prong reflection and that the ring can be fixed to have white gold prongs if she'd prefer the diamonds to have a whiter appearance.
 

movie zombie

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[quote="natyLad|1309625694|2960638.......that somebody felt very jealous both of the ring and our wonderful relationship and threw this comment to her just in order to cause a trouble...Unfortunately my husband wouldn't give me any more details on when she made this comment to him and how did this idea get in her mind...and i don't want to open the discussion again because i wouldn't want to blow this out of proportion with him. It seems that he's biting his tongue now and i realize that this just slipped out of his mouth by mistake...i'm sure that he never had the intention to say anything about this to me...[/quote]


naty, if your relationship is as wonderful as you say with your MIL i don't see why you don't have a sit down with her and your husband and talk it out. it would be better than letting this fester and perhaps damaging your relationship.......

you could just say that you've been thinking a lot about the ring and in retrospect think you should have had the diamonds set in a white metal. while there is nothing wrong with "I" diamonds, they do tend to not show to their best in yellow gold....something you've just come to realize. and with that realization you now wish you had set them in white gold..... that should open up the conversation and you could also offer to pay for a reset.

i'd hate to see your relationship with your MIL be tarnished over a slip of tongue....i know you put a lot of thought and effort into doing this for her and its hard to not take it personal. but i'd encourage you to find a way to speak with her and reinforce how much you care for her and want her to be happy.

and it doesn't matter if someone else made a comment to her. comments are how we all learn.....come on over to the color stone forum for a sampling of that! if she wasn't educated re diamonds before, maybe she's becoming educated. there is nothing wrong with that.

the only wrong thing is those diamonds sitting and not being worn!
 

Miss Sparkly

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Pandora|1309604415|2960498 said:
All diamonds set in yellow gold are going to look yellowish whatever the colour grade and this is enhanced if the stones are smaller sizes.

I wouldn't worry too much. Did your husband elaborate on the context of her comment?
As a frequent wearer of yellow gold, I disagree with this statement and haven't found it to be completely accurate. The cut grade seems to have the largest impact on the color of the stone (aside from it's actual color :cheeky: )

could it have just been an excuse because she is missing her old jewelry and wishes she could have those pieces back?
 

Bliss

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I would be dismayed, too!!!!!! I echo the others in saying that it's the yellow gold giving those pretty stones the yellowish tint. But for her to say that to your DH... :rolleyes: Seems a little ungrateful and disparaging toward you and your very nice gift. Then again, at least you had the pleasure of making such a beautiful ring and giving it to someone you care about. It's the thought that counts and I guess if she can't see the value and incredible luck of having a DIL like you, it's her loss!

ETA: She may be the type of MIL who *likes* to complain about everything - food in a restaurant, prices at the zoo & etc. In that case, maybe it's a compliment that she chose to nitpick your gift! Some people truly ENJOY complaining about things (I feel sorry for those who have to live with such folk) and it's not really a personal thing. They just like to complain! Think of it as an enjoyable hobby or a sport!
 

PinkTower

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When I had my engagement ring reset in Platinum, my handcrafted YG eternity band did not match. My jeweler just dipped it in rhodium for me, and charged me about $35. I am very pleased with the color now.

He cautioned me I would have to redo the rhodium, probably in about a year, but it has been nearly three years and it still looks fine even though I wear it daily and clean it in the US several times a week.
 

Eilonwy

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Saying the diamonds look a little yellow doesn't mean that she doesn't love the ring. It was probably just an observation by her. She probably doesn't understand that setting the diamonds in yellow gold makes them look yellow, and you know what she is probably still a little sad about losing her own jewellery, even though your gesture is so wonderful she is still going to always feel so sad abot losing her own collection. Your husband was talking to her about the ring. She was going to have to make some observations about it or not talk at all. If she's talking about it she clearly thinks it's good enough to speak of! Don't let it bother you! It doesn't mean anything.
 

Pandora II

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Sparkly Blonde|1309646508|2960812 said:
Pandora|1309604415|2960498 said:
All diamonds set in yellow gold are going to look yellowish whatever the colour grade and this is enhanced if the stones are smaller sizes.

I wouldn't worry too much. Did your husband elaborate on the context of her comment?
As a frequent wearer of yellow gold, I disagree with this statement and haven't found it to be completely accurate. The cut grade seems to have the largest impact on the color of the stone (aside from it's actual color :cheeky: )

could it have just been an excuse because she is missing her old jewelry and wishes she could have those pieces back?
If the stones are small sizes they will look yellow however well cut they are as there isn't enough stone to give off enough white to cancel it. The stones reflect the yellow of the gold. The cut grade may make them face up a grade better than their actual colour but they will still have a hint of yellow.

It's one of the issues I have with the Graff store in London - they have yellow walls in there and EVERY diamond in the place looks yellowish as a result - even D's.

I wear a yg ring every day with 3 OECs each of around 0.75ct and they definitely pick up colour from the setting. Since they are I colour to begin with I'm lucky that they are extremely well cut and so still look like I's!
 
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