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Not wanting kids

kenny

kenny

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Apr 30, 2005
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Do any of you not want to be a parent?
I don't.

It seems to be a taboo to say so.

(So sorry. I've asked admin to move this to Hangout)
 
My FF and I have been having this same discussion. Things may change in a few years, but currently we do not want to have kids. We have two small dogs and do not want any more responsibilty at this time in our lives. Our plans are to purchase lots of ''toys'' and travel a lot.
 
We didn''t. At first.

We bought a big house, 4 cars, travelled a lot.

It was taboo when I''d tell people we had no plans to have children. Some people were very upset by a decision that had little or no impact on them. I found this very curious. We couldn''t even discuss it with my in-laws they were so upset by it.

When I hit 36 years old, I started questioning my decisions in life and the meaning of it all. We had a lot of "stuff", but the things that mattered most like family, relationships, and tradition were missing. We were living a pretty shallow life. (Not that all who don''t have children live shallow lives...I just found that we were.)

So we changed our minds and decided to have a child. And then couldn''t. And proceeded to spend 2 years and $80,000 on fertility treatments on the most dramatic and emotional quests of my life.

We have a 4 year old daughter now who is the love of my life. I wouldn''t have it any other way. We live a very different life now, and it''s not for everyone. If you know that, then it''s probably better that you don''t have children. I can think of lots of people who should have put more thought into their decision!

I have felt the sting of people who felt it was their business to let me know how much they disapproved of our (at one time) decision. Most important, pay attention to what you want and why you want it. It will work out the way it''s supposed to for you.
 
 
Kenny, you seem to be mis-posting alot lately?
 
I thought I wanted to, but by the time I got married it wasn''t physically possible. That''s when I had the epiphany-my mother was miserable as a mom and I didn''t want to continue the pattern. Now I have stepchildren and four grandchildren and I love them dearly.
 
Date: 6/7/2010 12:54:20 PM
Author:kenny
Do any of you not want to be a parent?
I don''t.

It seems to be a taboo to say so.

(So sorry. I''ve asked admin to move this to Hangout)
Click to expand...

I admire those that flat out say look, kids aren''t for me. No problem with it at all...

I think that''s great.

It''s not for you , no biggie.

2.gif
 
I actually just posted a somewhat similar thread the other day regarding my family''s baby craze and their shock that I''m not as on board with the idea. It''s funny that there are whole sections of this site devoted to parenthood, but those who don''t want children are sometimes afraid to say so for fear of backlash. It seems like a lot of people think "I don''t personally want to have kids" means "I am judgmental of those who do want to or already have." I have a great deal of respect for parents--it''s a tough job, and I never seriously realized how much so until I married a man with a child--but I don''t know whether it''s something that I''ll want for myself in the future or not. I just hope that if I do have kids one day, I can avoid winding up on STFU Parents, haha!
 
I don''t...
 
I will admit that it is difficult or impossible for me to imagine never wanting children, especially now that I have them and know the magic they bring. But having said that, I also know for REAL what a pain in the ass they are and I FULLY support the choice to not have children even if I cannot understand it. Being a parent is the best thing I ever did and I suck at it way too much to encourage people who don''t like it or want it to do it. I think they''re missing out on something amazing, but no one person can have it all so it''s all good :)
 
proud owner of 2 PITB daughters.
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Well, I''m not anti-kids or anything, but I don''t know if we''ll have a family. My husband and I would like to but I''m not sure that it will happen. We''ve been sort of on the fence for a while now, and now it might be considered too late (or nearing it anyway). I love kids and I''m an elementary teacher, so I get my "fill" during the day. If I was in a different field though, I may have a stronger pull towards having a family. I feel like I should be ready to have kids now but I''m not. I won''t do it just because it''s the thing to do, and who knows when/if we''ll be ready.
 
It''s definitely a taboo. As I''ve said in previous threads on the topic, a lot of people think that''s what you''re just ''supposed'' to do in life. I don''t want children at all. I''m good with them, I can babysit a handful of infants and have a good time, but I have no desire to do it full time. At my age, people I meet automatically ask how many kids do I have and when I say none, they truly look shocked.

I can''t tell you how annoying it is to have others be critical of that choice. I''ve heard it all- I''m selfish, I''ll change my mind, I must be a sad person, I must have been abused, I''m too young to know that for sure, I''m not a grown up, I''m not a real woman until I give birth, my life has no meaning, what about the women who can''t, blah, blah, blah. The list of put downs that have ben thrown at me is endless. Usually I wil say to them, why does my choice make you so upset?

I like to do, to go, to have my time be my own. Mothers that I know always tell me that you can still go out, travel and have fun with kids in tow, but I simply don''t want to. Most friends think it''s strange, the only ones who don''t are childfree also. I started getting nitpicked about it a few months after I got married. A couple of weeks ago a friend that I''ve known for years said to ''I really hoped that you would have relazed by now that you should be having a family''. Now, she knows I don''t want kids, but every so often she makes some comment in this dejected tone. She truly thinks that''s what all women should do.

When I was a teen, I said to my aunt that I didn''t want to be a mom. Of course she said oh, you say that now, wait until you''re thirty. When I saw her at my family reunion the year after I turned 33, she asked if I changed my mind and I said nope, the clock is still broken.
 
Date: 6/7/2010 11:47:54 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 6/7/2010 12:54:20 PM
Author:kenny
Do any of you not want to be a parent?
I don''t.

It seems to be a taboo to say so.

(So sorry. I''ve asked admin to move this to Hangout)
Click to expand...

I admire those that flat out say look, kids aren''t for me. No problem with it at all...

I think that''s great.

It''s not for you , no biggie.

2.gif
Click to expand...
Ditto this
3.gif


Although I will say that sometimes when I talk to certain friends (or even certain PS members) who are on the fence about having children, I just want to scream DO IT! because I just feel like they would be awesome parents.

But I keep my mouth shut and just ditto the above
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You know, I always thought I would want kids. DH and I have talked about it since we started dating, and we have had names picked out for years. We have decided where we would like to buy a home based on the school district. I love children, I enjoy interacting with my friends' children, and always imagined myself as a mother.

But... the older I get the less I want them. I don't know if it's fear, a lack of resources and finances, the effects on my body, the possible effects to my relationship, or the realization that parenthood is incredibly difficult and all consuming for decades, but I'm suddenly terrified. As I approach 30 (I'm 28) I always thought now would be about the time to start thinking and planning for them. Meanwhile I'm seriously considering a paraguard.

I spoke to DH about it, and he says he supports whatever decision I make (love that man). But I know he would be disappointed. And what if, in 10 years, I regret it? I've had multiple female family members who had fertility problems in their mid-30s, so I don't want to wait too long. But my biological clock is the OPPOSITE of ticking.

...Thanks for letting me vent!
 
Sychronicity maybe?

This is from yesterday''s NYT.

I read it and have no comment actually: I''m still mulling it over. But it seemed appropriate to the topic, so I toss it out for consideration. I expect to see visceral, emotional responses, but I could be wrong.

Enjoy. Or not.

Should This Be the Last Generation?

Fortunately for me, I''m at the age where people no longer ask why I don''t have kids, and will I soon. They are a bit bemused at times, but don''t comment much.
 
Kenny, DH and I don''t want kids either. And I agree that it seems to be a taboo to feel this way. I''ve always had a problem with people trying to force their beliefs about having children on others. Just because they have chosen to have children doesn''t mean that''s the right choice for everyone else.

I''ve heard it all:

Them: So, when are you going to have kids?
Me: We already have "kids" . . . three dogs and a horse!
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Them: Don''t you think you''ll regret not having kids?
Me: Well, I might someday regret NOT having children, but what if I had one and regretted THAT? How much more horrible would that be?
32.gif


Them: Oh, you''ll change your mind.
Me: No, I won''t. DH and I have thought this through very carefully, and I''ve felt this way for as long as I can remember. This decision wasn''t made on a whim.

Them: Well, if you''re not going to have kids, why did you bother getting married?
Me: Because I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with him, and getting married was important to us. Why do you think being married and having children have to go hand-in-hand? There are plenty of wonderful parents who aren''t married, and there are plenty of wonderful married couples who don''t have children.

Them: But don''t your parents want grandchildren?
Me: DH and I live our lives for ourselves and not for other people. Besides, my in-laws already have four grandchildren (two boys, two girls) and one more on the way. Also, I have two brothers who can provide my parents with grandchildren. So I think it''s safe to say that our parents'' need for grandchildren is covered.

Them: Don''t you think you''re being a bit selfish by not having children?
Me: Don''t you think you''re being a bit selfish by trying to change my mind about having children just because you think I "should"?

Them: But who will take care of you when you''re old?
Me: If I decided to have children for that reason, I shouldn''t be a mother.

That''s just a small sampling . . . I''m sure I''ll think of more.
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DH and I have talked about this extensively as well. He doesn''t want children, I am on the fence. I know I am not ready for them now, but I think I may be scared that I will regret not having them later. What if I regret never had experienced being pregnant?

But the more I think about it, the more I realize I probably do not want kids, but I would like to have had the experience, which to me is not enough reason to have them!
 
At the moment, no, I don''t want kids.

I do feel like I might regret not having them, so I''m kind of hoping that my biological clock kicks in at some point and gives me the motivation to go for it. If it doesn''t kick in, I''m not sure what I''ll do. I can''t imagine having a kid in my 30s if I still feel like I feel right now.
 
I don''t think it''s taboo.
If you don''t want them, don''t have them.
The last thing this world needs is more unwanted kids.
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No, I''ve never wanted children. I''m sure much of it is due to an upbringing where I had to be the mother to my siblings (and parents most of the time). I feel like that experience took all my desire for children out of me. May sound strange, but I feel like I did my mothering duties as a child, and now as an adult I''ve gotten my chance for peace.

Like many others have posted, I''ve taken a whole lot of crap for this decision. I can''t count the number of times people have called me a sinner, or told me that I''m not a real woman (or that DH isn''t a real man), or that I shouldn''t drive an SUV because I don''t have kids, or my favorite is that we''re being selfish. Selfish how? We donate 13% of our income to charities, volunteer our time, and live frugally. How is that selfish? (Can you tell I''m a little sensitive about this?) I still don''t understand why my reproductive decisions make other people upset.

I don''t ever regret not having kids for myself, but sometimes I do feel bad for DH. Although he didn''t have a strong desire for them, he wouldn''t have minded having kids, but made the decision not to mostly for me. We''ve been married 20+ years and every once in a while he''ll say, "I wonder what our kids would have looked like." I do feel bad when I hear that, but he reassures me that our marriage is more important to him than kids (he''s a total keeper).
 
I would be the worst mother on earth. The WORST.

So no, I will never have kids.
 
I''ve never wanted children. I grew up in a home day care environment, so it has nothing to do with not being used to children either. (I can still change a diaper faster than many parents!) I was the little girl who always played with stuffed animals, and never touched my sister''s dolls.

When I got older I was told that by the time I got to my early 30s my biological clock would magically click in and I''d get a massive urge, but it never happened. I figured if it happened by the time I was 35 I''d have kids, since I didn''t want to be have kids too late, especially since I knew I''d want the child to have a sibling.

Anyway, I''m 40 now. Bio clock alarm never went off. My DH, who would make a great father, couldn''t care less and left the whole kid or not thing up to me, so it just looks like it''s not happening. I believe having kids is such an important job that it''s important to really want them and be thoughtful about your process. Since I haven''t really wanted them I''m not having them.

Yes, I''ve gotten lots of flack. It''s funny how, as a woman, some people think I''m being "unnatural" for not wanting children. Well, I''d like to think that, as a sentient human being, I have other things to offer as well. Plus, to me, it just feels like any other preference. I don''t *want* kids any more than I want to climb Mount Everest. Yet, I never question those with a huge urge to climb mountains. Yet it''s hard trying to explain to people that I just don''t *feel* it and that''s that.
 
One of my best friends since high school, has always never wanted kids, she just knew. She has gone onto to do many interesting things, worked on films and is now married living in Europe. She never had kids but to me that didn't seem strange at all, it fit her lifestyle and personality. If anything she thought it was interesting that I went on to have a couple children, since I was pretty noncommital about it most my life. Can think of at least 2 more people I know never wanted or had children. Of course I didn't walk in their shoes, but I seriously can't recall anyone making a critical or negative comment about their choices. Maybe you just know alot of rude people.


We waited to have kids, so for many years we could have been ripe for these comments. Other than 1 grandparent expressing her wishes, the only other person who made a comment that we should have kids was this nutty neighbor who said something to the effect we should have kids because not enough educated white people were having babies. Obviously when people say stuff like that, it's your right to ignore their "advice" .
 
I do not think it is taboo. Not in my experience...not in my peer group at least.

I am still not sure I want kids anytime soon, if at all. At the very least, I am not entirely sure I want kids of my own (we may adopt, foster, etc). If we decide to try at some point, and find out we can't have them....I will be alright with that. DH similarly is in no rush...though does see us having "munchkins in our life" somehow - whether adoption, our own, etc. But, like me, he is definitely still in no hurry.

Many years I have not wanted them. Now I am warming up a lot more to the idea. But it changes day to day! Now I see more and more friends I know who were originally quite dead-set against kids having them and still having pretty awesome lives and relationships. So, I find I am less pessimistic about it. It does not have to be how I used to think it had to be. I also have an incredible husband who I know would more than take on the responsibilities of raising children, and with whom I have an amazing relationship that I know we will both make every effort to maintain kids or not, which has really lessened for me a lot of my hesitations about having them. I also rather get excited about having kids with him. I feel a bit warm and fuzzy at the idea, to be honest. There are days I am terrified of being pregnant and having them...and other days I start feeling a bit more curious about it. Then I remember that once they are out I can't put them back and start to backtrack again. Then there are other days...like the past couple...when I remember how precious life is and think it would not be so bad to just have to add a baby complete with all its baby accessories to our day-to-day lives as he or she would certainly be well loved. No doubt a little more challenging, but certainly doable. There are other days where I feel overwhelmed with our rather flexible and spontaneous life and think I am in the "none and done" camp. So I am firmly on the fence.

Ultimately, I think one day it will just be a matter of us deciding we will just *try* (or rather, not prevent it from happening) and see what happens. As I am quite sure I will never feel "100% ready" to go there or even "100% certain". It is just not my nature! I will however be ready to take some "baby steps"!

I have never felt pressure though from anyone - friends, family, or otherwise.
 
My husband and I have ALWAYS wanted kids, we even talked about it on our first date. When we talk about kids, we just gush, and glow...even if it's about someone else's kid. I have never met a kid that I didn't like. I find cuteness in all kids. That's how I knew I was meant to be a mom.

My brother and his wife are the exact opposite. They freeze and get tense around my kids. They both think kids are grubby and dirty, and they don't want to be touched by my kids. They also can't bare to eat with my kids because they can't bear to see food falling outside of the plate, or watch my kids eat with their fingers. They don't like loud noise, and they don't want my kids around their nice furniture and touch any of their things. They are both very driven, and very career oriented. I have NEVER asked them if they wanted kids, even they are both in their mid 30's because I know what the answer is just by observation.

As long as both people in the relationship are on the same page, it works. The only time I bring up the joys of having children is when I know one person in the relationship is SO ready, and the other is on the fence. IF I know that neither are in that frame of mind, I keep my mouth shut.
 
More...
I'm too selfish to have kids, and I know it.

Unfortunately I still have a problem; my SO of ten years wants kids.
When we met I told him I don't and if he is adamant then perhaps we should both move on.
He stayed, but I can tell it breaks his heart to not have kids.
He gushes over his nieces and nephews.
I can see in ways our two dogs get treated like substitute kids.
Its sad and there's nothing I can do about it but I don't think any relationship is without its conflicts.

His parents recently stayed with us and his mom said I'd be a great parent.
I flat out told her I'm too selfish.
I said, that to be a good parent you have to change from it being all about you to it being all about the kids.
You should change into a life-support system for another little person.
In a sense you die and are being replaced by a new person.
Obviously this is natural and good; without it our species would become extinct.

Plus I think it is unfair to the kids to have two moms or two dads.
Society is not ready.
Kids are cruel to other kids who are in any way different.
I think it will be a few hundred years before this goes away.

I'm not a kid hater; I was a kid.
I have the deepest respect for parents.
I think they have the hardest and the most important job on earth.
In a way they are better people than I.
 
I never thought I wanted to be a parent. In fact I don't really like kids, I was never a natural. I am the type as you said JM to freeze. I never wanted to hold anyone's babies, no interest at all. For years I thought I didn't really want kids. When we got married, we both were unsure... we had 10 years together. After a while we started feeling more and more like 'is this all there is'...not as though our life was LACKING but just that we felt like there was the potential of more out there for us. And that we were open to it. After years of talking about it (should we/shouldn't we)...we finally decided to just try.

Now our amazing little boy is 4months old and while I don't think I was *meant* to be a mother necessarily...aka my life probably would have been fine without a child, I can say I make a great mom, and my husband is a great father. I am so happy we changed our minds. We look fwd to the coming years with a lot of EXCITEMENT because we know that it will be a wild rollercoaster ride and our lives were not like that before-- like you said JM...we were quiet, sedate..hah!

But yes ... I do remember people acting like 'oh you will change your mind' or 'oh you have to have kids'...acting like it's not normal to not want them or even not be sure etc. Obviously we DID change our minds, but we also have friends who don't want kids and have never deviated from that, so I can see both sides. I don't think people need kids to be happy. Of course once you have ONE the new question is 'when is your next one coming'...seriously people! It's always about the next and bigger and better thing. I personally am just appreciating what I have now.

Oh and now I adore squishy little babies!!

ETA...I also agree with whomever said that if you don't want kids, don't have them...and don't worry about it. There ARE too many unwanted kids in this world.
 
I''m really glad people are willing to say "I don''t want this" and not just have kids because that''s "what you do next." I think it shows a lot of self awareness, and does help prevent unwanted kids from coming into the world - I think it would be miserable to know you weren''t wanted (actually, my roommate from college went through that and had a ton of issues because of it), and I''d never want a kid to go through that.
 
My sister had a kid she did not want, but kept.
It was torture to watch.
No kid deserves that.
 
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