New and worrying myself sick.

[RoxEHeart]

Hi everyone! I am new here. I finally decided to de-lurk and post. I am a fellow LiW, obviously. Here''s mine and SO''s history:

Been together since July 2006, moved in together in June 2007 and have been living together since then. In September 2008, SO said that he wanted to go look for a ring (we have always talked about marriage and SO has never shown any hesitance towards marriage). We looked for rings in September 2008. He didn''t expect rings to be as expensive as they are and he has stated that he prefers to pay for a ring in full and not to put anything on credit. We found a ring in September 2008 and he put a $100 or $200 deposit (can''t remember). I was in HEAVEN! I was thinking OMG it''s finally happening, I didn''t have to pressure him and I am going to get married next year! HA. Throughout the year of 2009, several of his friends, and mine, have said that he told them he would propose to me by the end of the year. In June 2009 we went and looked for another ring, a little more within his budget. The price of the ring went down $2,000. I just knew that I wouldn''t have to wait until the end of the year now. As we all know, it''s now November and I am literally a nervous wreck. I am terribly terrified that he is not going to propose by the end of the year and I am going to start another year wondering. He is a procratinator at heart and I really feel like he is not going to meet his own deadline...that he set himself!
I have been a little nosey and in February, I came across a receipt of a deposit he made and the teller wrote his balance down on the receipt. The balance in his account was pretty close to the amount of the price of the original ring. He got is tax refund in the week after that, that would have allowed him to purchase the ring and still have quite a bit of money left over in his account. He has gotten at least two raises this year at work, the latest one happened within the last month. He has also gotten a $500 gift card from work that he told me he was going putting towards the ring, but it''s still sitting in his truck!!

He tells me that the ONLY reason he hasn''t proposed to me yet is money. Yet when I bring it up, he gets irritated and says I''m "Pressuring" him. I don''t get it....if the ONLY thing between us getting engaged is money, why can''t we talk about it? I have had several friends this year either get engaged or married that have been together for a less amount of time than us. All of this is extremely frustrating!!!!

Have any of you experienced a deadline come and go that SO set for himself? What do I do then if he doesn''t meet it? HELP!

Also, he has mentioned that he would like to propose around Christmas so that I could show off the ring to family and friends on Christmas and he has also said that he would like to wait until NYE because technically it would be before the year was over....he found this amusing and I do not.

 

[lucyandroger]

Welcome!

First off I think you need to breathe, take a step back, and look at your situation. You''ve got a BF that loves you and wants to marry you. He''s got enough cash saved for a ring, knows what ring you want, and wants to propose by the end of the year! How awesome!

My advice is to just relax and let him do his thing. Maybe he wants to save a bit more to get you an even nicer ring or maybe he''s already got the ring and is planning to surprise you. You certainly can''t enforce deadlines he placed on himself so why get yourself worked up about them.

I know the waiting is the hard part but we''re here for you! Post away about your frustrations!

 

[RoxEHeart]

Thank you for the welcome!

I know, I know, I know! It''s just that I am finding myself more anxious the closer the deadline gets! I need a place to vent my frustrations and feelings besides holding it all in (which turns into resentment). Also, my excited and probably dumb-a$$ told everyone in the world that we went to look for rings back in September 2008 so now I have everyone asking me "WHERE''S THE RING?!" "WHEN''S HE GOING TO PROPOSE?!". That part is my fault, but crap it gets old! I think the thing that makes me most anxious/nervous/upset is that whenever I bring up the ring/engagment he gets uncomfortable....yet when I talk about when we''re married or the actual wedding, he doesn''t get uncomfortable. I am pretty sure that he feels like he wants it to be on HIS own time, but there two people involved here!

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/5/2009 11:51:56 AM
Author: RoxEHeart
Thank you for the welcome!

I know, I know, I know! It's just that I am finding myself more anxious the closer the deadline gets! I need a place to vent my frustrations and feelings besides holding it all in (which turns into resentment). Also, my excited and probably dumb-a$$ told everyone in the world that we went to look for rings back in September 2008 so now I have everyone asking me 'WHERE'S THE RING?!' 'WHEN'S HE GOING TO PROPOSE?!'. That part is my fault, but crap it gets old! I think the thing that makes me most anxious/nervous/upset is that whenever I bring up the ring/engagment he gets uncomfortable....yet when I talk about when we're married or the actual wedding, he doesn't get uncomfortable. I am pretty sure that he feels like he wants it to be on HIS own time, but there two people involved here!

Ah, yes...many of us know all too well exactly how you feel.

This is certainly the place to vent!

Don't beat yourself up about telling people about the ring shopping. I bet people would be asking those questions anyway. It seems as though as soon as you hit a certain point in your relationship all those questions start. People can be so insensitive and down right rude!

My BF is the same exact way about talking about the ring vs. marriage/ wedding. I finally called him on it and he said that when I bring up the ring, it hits a sore point because it's not something he can give me right now and he knows that disappoints me. It really doesn't because I know why (we're in the middle of buying a house so don't want to spend a large chunk of cash until we've officially closed and all unforseen expenses are gone) but it's the male ego - who can understand that?!

Talking about the engagement could also make him uncomfortable because he's got something planed - maybe he doesn't want to let anything slip?

I really think the feeling of not having control over your own life is the hardest part of being a LIW. You want to plan and think about the future but so much is dependent on when he gets his but in gear!

 

[vc10um]

Date: 11/5/2009 11:08:40 AM
Author:RoxEHeart
Hi everyone! I am new here. I finally decided to de-lurk and post. I am a fellow LiW, obviously. Here''s mine and SO''s history:

Been together since July 2006, moved in together in June 2007 and have been living together since then. In September 2008, SO said that he wanted to go look for a ring (we have always talked about marriage and SO has never shown any hesitance towards marriage). We looked for rings in September 2008. He didn''t expect rings to be as expensive as they are and he has stated that he prefers to pay for a ring in full and not to put anything on credit. We found a ring in September 2008 and he put a $100 or $200 deposit (can''t remember). I was in HEAVEN! I was thinking OMG it''s finally happening, I didn''t have to pressure him and I am going to get married next year! HA. Throughout the year of 2009, several of his friends, and mine, have said that he told them he would propose to me by the end of the year. In June 2009 we went and looked for another ring, a little more within his budget. The price of the ring went down $2,000. I just knew that I wouldn''t have to wait until the end of the year now. As we all know, it''s now November and I am literally a nervous wreck. I am terribly terrified that he is not going to propose by the end of the year and I am going to start another year wondering. He is a procratinator at heart and I really feel like he is not going to meet his own deadline...that he set himself!
I have been a little nosey and in February, I came across a receipt of a deposit he made and the teller wrote his balance down on the receipt. The balance in his account was pretty close to the amount of the price of the original ring. He got is tax refund in the week after that, that would have allowed him to purchase the ring and still have quite a bit of money left over in his account. He has gotten at least two raises this year at work, the latest one happened within the last month. He has also gotten a $500 gift card from work that he told me he was going putting towards the ring, but it''s still sitting in his truck!!

He tells me that the ONLY reason he hasn''t proposed to me yet is money. Yet when I bring it up, he gets irritated and says I''m ''Pressuring'' him. I don''t get it....if the ONLY thing between us getting engaged is money, why can''t we talk about it? I have had several friends this year either get engaged or married that have been together for a less amount of time than us. All of this is extremely frustrating!!!!

Have any of you experienced a deadline come and go that SO set for himself? What do I do then if he doesn''t meet it? HELP!

Also, he has mentioned that he would like to propose around Christmas so that I could show off the ring to family and friends on Christmas and he has also said that he would like to wait until NYE because technically it would be before the year was over....he found this amusing and I do not.

Keep in mind, this may be "money to give you a spectacular proposal"...or "money I want to have in savings before I propose"...or "salary I want to have before I propose"...or tons upon tons of other things that all fall under the category of "money".

At this point, I agree with lucy...I think you just need to let him work his timeline...and I know that''s tough, but it''ll be the only thing saving you from driving yourself crazy!!!

 

[janinegirly]

First of all welcome! Second of all, your feelings/situation is very very common--many of us have had that exact feeling of frustration (how long do I have to wait???) and loss of control (when will it happen so I can move on!) and creeping resentment (what is the problem, why is he doing this and driving me crazy!). So the good news is you are not alone and once the ring shows up you''ll forget most of those feelings.

In terms of your specific situation, I think it''s a question of your bf being a procrastintor. A procrastinator will take their time unless there is some solid motivation or absoulte deadline to do otherwise. If he set the deadline for himself, well then he can move it as he pleases. You also have been living together for a long time--so there is less motivation for him to HURRY because what''s one more year? And on top of that, he is a guy..so they just hate to be pressured (hence the frustration of being an LIW, grrr!)

I think in your case, you should sit tight until the end of the year. That seems to be a clear cut deadline that he is aware of and well it''s not that far! Something like 7 weeks right? Trust me you will get more anxious as it gets closer, so come up with ways to distract yourself! I swear most BF''s proopose around Xmas b/c they''ve been given the "year end" deadline and they all wait till the last minute! (mine proposed Dec 2nd). Maybe just tell yourself it''ll probably happen NYE..so you don''t expect something every time he takes you to dinner,etc.

Now if it doesn''t happen by NYE you will need to have discussion with him and set a deadline yourself. Some will disagree but I think it might be the push a procrastinator will need. But wait till it gets to that point. In the meantime try to stop snnooping or you''ll drive yourself bonkers! (easier said than done...I did the same thing!!!!)

 

[RoxEHeart]

He is a HUGE procrastinator. For example...the tags on his truck have been out since TWO THOUSAND AND SEVEN! TWO YEARS! He is really bad about saying "I''m going to do this, I''m going to do that" and never gets around to it...which really worries me. However, since he has not only told me of his deadline, but his friends and my friends as well, that makes me feel a little bit better.

As far as me setting a deadline for myself - I have thought about this and honestly it sounds like a good option. Our lease is up at the beginning of February 2010. I told myself that if he hasn''t proposed after NYE, to let him know that I didn''t want to renew the lease and that I would be moving back to my parents. I have thought of saying something along the lines of that I love him, I love being with him, but I am ready for the next step and I am not willing to be his "roommate" any longer. Does that sound reasonable? Is it better to cut all ties or is moving out enough?

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 11/5/2009 1:51:07 PM
Author: RoxEHeart
He is a HUGE procrastinator. For example...the tags on his truck have been out since TWO THOUSAND AND SEVEN! TWO YEARS! He is really bad about saying ''I''m going to do this, I''m going to do that'' and never gets around to it...which really worries me. However, since he has not only told me of his deadline, but his friends and my friends as well, that makes me feel a little bit better.

As far as me setting a deadline for myself - I have thought about this and honestly it sounds like a good option. Our lease is up at the beginning of February 2010. I told myself that if he hasn''t proposed after NYE, to let him know that I didn''t want to renew the lease and that I would be moving back to my parents. I have thought of saying something along the lines of that I love him, I love being with him, but I am ready for the next step and I am not willing to be his ''roommate'' any longer. Does that sound reasonable? Is it better to cut all ties or is moving out enough?

Isn''t this illegal?!

As for the deadline/moving out plans, it all sounds perfect to me. Hopefully, you won''t have to get to this point though!

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 11/5/2009 1:51:07 PM
Author: RoxEHeart
He is a HUGE procrastinator. For example...the tags on his truck have been out since TWO THOUSAND AND SEVEN! TWO YEARS! He is really bad about saying ''I''m going to do this, I''m going to do that'' and never gets around to it...which really worries me. However, since he has not only told me of his deadline, but his friends and my friends as well, that makes me feel a little bit better.

As far as me setting a deadline for myself - I have thought about this and honestly it sounds like a good option. Our lease is up at the beginning of February 2010. I told myself that if he hasn''t proposed after NYE, to let him know that I didn''t want to renew the lease and that I would be moving back to my parents. I have thought of saying something along the lines of that I love him, I love being with him, but I am ready for the next step and I am not willing to be his ''roommate'' any longer. Does that sound reasonable? Is it better to cut all ties or is moving out enough?

I think that sounds like a good tentative plan. The lease is a perfect time to take a stand. Tell him you are not willing to sign just to live with him another year as a girlfriend. That''s great that you have your parents as a place to go. If it comes to that, you can move to the ''rents and consider it a "break" to give him time to think about what he''s about to lose and for you to come to terms with how long you are/are not willing to wait.

However it very well may not come to that..so don''t get carried away with Feb plans! If he''s in tune with you, he''ll sense you''re pulling away as time ticks away and maybe that''ll make him step up. But it is a good idea to have a loose "worst case" plan b/c if you''re going to take a stand you need to be able to follow it through or else a procastintor will see it wasn''t a true statement and then put things off again...

 

[RoxEHeart]

Yes, it''s TOTALLY illegal to have outdated tags...but I must tell you that my inspection tag has been out since November 08, so I am just as guilty...but I''m not the one proposing.

Thank you guys for all of your responses and mostly thanks for just understanding! We all have dreamt about meeting "the One" since we were little and we are taught (via Disney movies) that everything is perfect so when we get to the real parts of life and getting married, etc. it''s hard to understand that these things typically aren''t "perfect".

I am glad I found this community!