My sadness just gets worse by the day...

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 8/23/2008 12:06:53 AM
Author: pichuchy21
Purrfectpear and SarahlovesJS-Thank you for your replies. From what everyone keeps telling me it will take me a long time to heal, but atleast I know it is normal to feel this way since there is no ''rightway'' to grief. And I look foward to the day when the good memories of her will be whats on my mind and not the fact that she is no longer physically here with me. I know she will always watch over me. For those of you who are lucky enough to not have lost a parent I ask that you enjoy every moment that you can with them becuase I know that I would feel even worse if I didn''t spend all the time I did with my mom. We really had a wonderful relationship like I said she wasn''t only my mom she was my friend.

I understand what you mean about your Mom being your friend..my Mom and I are the exact same way. I am an only child and she was a stay-at-home Mom when I I was growing up so we are so close. And just wanted to reinforce you are COMPLETELY normal!

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/23/2008 12:06:14 AM
Author: blondebunny
Im in tears from your post... My mom is my life also..she was actually in the hospital a week ago for almost having a stroke, and all the way to the hospital I didnt know what to think, I cant imagine my life without my mother.

Here is some advice that I have learned from my brother dying a little over 2 years ago..
1. Definitely DO NOT take a bunch of classes.. they really wont help u get ur mind off of things.. I really thought I was thr strongest person ever and that Id be fine, and I wasnt I did AWFUL, and it took me 2 semesters to be back to somewhat myself getting good grades... so do not feel like a failure if u do bad, I am pretty sure u can take off a semester for medical reasons or what not, and that would definitely be sufficient for that... or if u do mess up ur grades they should be able to appeal them and get them erased... If I could go back, Id take the semester off to help redefine who I am since I lost him....

2. Dont listen to ANYONE who tells u to get over it, I had a lot of people who didnt understand why i was still upset, and that I should be over it in a month. Its completely bull$*it IMO.... Its been 2 yrs and 2 months and I still cry almost once if not more a week... She''s your mom, she brought u into this world, and was a BIG part of your life for 25 years, you cant just simply forget it... It really takes time to just be OKAY with it... and it sounds weird but I have atleast 2 dreams a month with my brother in it where we have conversations like he is still here... its nice because I feel like i still get to see him and talk to him...


ETA: just saw about your hubby.. tell him u dont want him to agree or talk or anything u just want an ear to talk to and just a shoulder to cry on....im so sorry
3. Just remember all the good times, thats all I ever do, I remember funny things my brother said or stuff we did as kids.

4. My BF was probably the best thing ever to be when my brother died, and still is, he tells me he is my rock and to use him, for a while i didnt, but then it helped so much to be able to talk to him or just lay in his arms and cry... and if ur DH had a good relationship with her maybe itd be nice to just sit and talk about all the nice or fun things yall remember about her (maybe something u could do with your family u said u didnt get along with so good?)

Ok well big HUGS to you, I feel for you, its hard, but honestly it will get harder before it gets any easier or better...Ive found myself in many dark places.. but then thought about how great my life is and its life, gotta live with what your given and make the best out of it... Im just happy your mom got to see you get married before she passed... atleast you know she died proud and happy she saw her baby girl graduate and get married...

Thanks for the advice and I am sorry you lost your brother I know now the pain of losing someone is just awful. I really dont want to start the police academy on Monday, but everyone keeps telling me my mom would want me to atleast try it not to just give up. So I will go and see how it goes, but if I just find it extremely hard to focus I will drop out of it and maybe start in the spring. On the other hand I don''t work so if I don''t start the academy I''ll just be home all day with nothing to do but think. My DH is my other best friend and always will be, but I am having a hard time telling him how I feel becuase for one I feel like he doesn''t understand my pain and two I am a bit man because I moved away from home six hours away b/c his fam...his mother was driving me nuts and we weren''t going to make it if we stayed there so I feel as if I had to move away from my mom because of him not being able to keep his mom in check. Its just a very bad feeling to have, but its there. Even though I moved away from my mom she was still a part of my everyday life and everychance I got I took the bus home to see her. I''m not sure if that makes any sense, but I''m kind of mad at him in a way cause I had to move away from my mom because of his fam.

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/23/2008 12:10:24 AM
Author: phoenixgirl
Pichuchy, I am your sister in grief as I lost my dad less than 3 months ago to suicide from depression caused by health problems.

What struck me about your story is the wonderful wedding day that you had. It sounds to me like your mom held out to be healthy for your wedding. Sounds weird, right, but I am believer that on some level our bodies can do things without us being conscious of it. I wonder if the part of her that wanted you to have a beautiful, wonderful day kept her healthy just a little bit longer to see your special day. I hope you can take some solace in that thought.

From what I''ve read, it is totally normal to experience depression after a loss. And it''s real depression, except that because it is caused by a specific event, it is reactive depression and is not associated with the same loss of self esteem as chronic depression, and it will get better with time.

I''m also trying to be more open with my husband. He''ll hold me while I cry until the cows come home, but it''s the moments when I''m not crying, when I''m just down and blah and don''t want to do anything, that I''m really needing to reach out to him but feel the least like it. And it''s harder for him to know how to react since I''m not crying and I probably seem surly/angry if anything.

I really like my new therapist and hope you can find someone that you feel helps you. The first person I tried was really froo-froo, and I am stoic/rational, and we just did not mesh. I''m so glad that I didn''t give up after my first touchy-feely experience.

You are right that life will not be the same. We''ll have Christmas without my dad. He won''t be there when we have a baby, or buy a new house. Last weekend I went on a history tour that he would have loved, and I felt so sad that one moment of depression robbed him of experiences he would have enjoyed, and that we would have enjoyed with him.

But . . . it is still LIFE. Life is precious. We are alive. To dance. To love. To cry. Your mom, who fought through the cancer, who held out for your wedding . . . that''s what she wanted for you, for you to live your life, for you to LOVE your life. She wouldn''t have wanted for you to lose her at so young an age, but she would be glad to know that you have so much to experience . . . as a newlywed, as a future graduate of the police academy, as whatever you choose to do and be . . .

Lean on your husband, your friends, your family. Let people take you out, make things easier for you. You do need to time to cocoon and take care of yourself.

When I''ve really felt blah, I''ve tried just doing nothing and being blah, and I''ve tried to push through it and do normal things. Usually when I try to do normal things, I get out of my blues a little. So starting the police academy might help you to just get in a normal routine and have less time to ruminate.

As for Monday . . . I know how you feel. I have to go back to work myself. My therapist and I talked about how I do need to be vulnerable (since my tendency is to shut out all my feelings), but on the other hand, I could get burned if I share too much personal info with people I don''t know well. I am trying to find the happy medium so that I am supported by others but also protected from unwanted curiosity.

My therapist also suggested writing in a journal. I''ve found that writing in my journal, which often leads to crying, is a good release, as is exercise, which releases endorphins like crying and also reduces stress.

There are also grief support groups to join. I haven''t done that at this point, but I''m open to it. Therapy is new for me, and I''ve found it really helpful, so I haven''t felt the need to seek out other outside help yet.

Another thing I''ve thought of . . . remember the story of the Velveteen Rabbit? Remember how in order to be Real, you have to be loved so hard it hurts? Sometimes recently I''ve thought, I''m Real. I''ve seen the darkest day, and I''ve felt the rains, and I''m still here. I''m still me. I wouldn''t wish for this pain. I''d give anything to give it back, to have my dad back, to take away his pain and all of ours in the process. But I also know myself better today than I ever have. I know I am strong. I know I have his love with me, and the things he taught me, and the joy he felt. And even with this awful hole in my life, there is still love, there is still joy, there is still laughter. I still am. We''re still here. We''ve been knocked around a little by life, but we didn''t give up, and we''re Real now, tried and true, older and wiser.

I know you are a strong woman, or you wouldn''t be entering the police academy!

It sounds like your mother was a strong woman as well, and as they say, the apple doesn''t fall far from the tree. I wish you comfort and healing in this strength-requiring time.

I am so sorry you lost your father. It is so sad not to have them around anymore and death was just one of those things I never thought about. My mom was such a warrior and I just thought she''d be around forever...silly me. You are right about one thing everytime I think about how she held on to see me get married it makes me very happy. She was such a fighter and even though we never told her that the cancer had spread (those were her wishes) she knew she had cancer, but always said if she was dying not to let her know. She suffered from chronic depression from a very young age I think it was best that we didn''t tell her, but even though we didn''t I know she knew the end was close for her. I thank God that she was only in pain the last two days of her life. The day after my wedding when I was saying bye to her she started to cry and when I told her not to be sad that we would see each other soon she said to me you know I''m not sure about that. I didn''t understand that day why she would say that, but know I think she knew something was wrong with her and she was just holding on to see me get married. I am also happy and thankful that she got to see me plenty after that and that I was able to be with her right up until a few hours before she took her last breath.

 

[blondebunny]

Date: 8/23/2008 12:16:33 AM
Author: pichuchy21

Date: 8/23/2008 12:06:14 AM

Author: blondebunny

Im in tears from your post... My mom is my life also..she was actually in the hospital a week ago for almost having a stroke, and all the way to the hospital I didnt know what to think, I cant imagine my life without my mother.


Here is some advice that I have learned from my brother dying a little over 2 years ago..

1. Definitely DO NOT take a bunch of classes.. they really wont help u get ur mind off of things.. I really thought I was thr strongest person ever and that Id be fine, and I wasnt I did AWFUL, and it took me 2 semesters to be back to somewhat myself getting good grades... so do not feel like a failure if u do bad, I am pretty sure u can take off a semester for medical reasons or what not, and that would definitely be sufficient for that... or if u do mess up ur grades they should be able to appeal them and get them erased... If I could go back, Id take the semester off to help redefine who I am since I lost him....


2. Dont listen to ANYONE who tells u to get over it, I had a lot of people who didnt understand why i was still upset, and that I should be over it in a month. Its completely bull$*it IMO.... Its been 2 yrs and 2 months and I still cry almost once if not more a week... She''s your mom, she brought u into this world, and was a BIG part of your life for 25 years, you cant just simply forget it... It really takes time to just be OKAY with it... and it sounds weird but I have atleast 2 dreams a month with my brother in it where we have conversations like he is still here... its nice because I feel like i still get to see him and talk to him...



ETA: just saw about your hubby.. tell him u dont want him to agree or talk or anything u just want an ear to talk to and just a shoulder to cry on....im so sorry

3. Just remember all the good times, thats all I ever do, I remember funny things my brother said or stuff we did as kids.


4. My BF was probably the best thing ever to be when my brother died, and still is, he tells me he is my rock and to use him, for a while i didnt, but then it helped so much to be able to talk to him or just lay in his arms and cry... and if ur DH had a good relationship with her maybe itd be nice to just sit and talk about all the nice or fun things yall remember about her (maybe something u could do with your family u said u didnt get along with so good?)


Ok well big HUGS to you, I feel for you, its hard, but honestly it will get harder before it gets any easier or better...Ive found myself in many dark places.. but then thought about how great my life is and its life, gotta live with what your given and make the best out of it... Im just happy your mom got to see you get married before she passed... atleast you know she died proud and happy she saw her baby girl graduate and get married...

Thanks for the advice and I am sorry you lost your brother I know now the pain of losing someone is just awful. I really dont want to start the police academy on Monday, but everyone keeps telling me my mom would want me to atleast try it not to just give up. So I will go and see how it goes, but if I just find it extremely hard to focus I will drop out of it and maybe start in the spring. On the other hand I don''t work so if I don''t start the academy I''ll just be home all day with nothing to do but think. My DH is my other best friend and always will be, but I am having a hard time telling him how I feel becuase for one I feel like he doesn''t understand my pain and two I am a bit man because I moved away from home six hours away b/c his fam...his mother was driving me nuts and we weren''t going to make it if we stayed there so I feel as if I had to move away from my mom because of him not being able to keep his mom in check. Its just a very bad feeling to have, but its there. Even though I moved away from my mom she was still a part of my everyday life and everychance I got I took the bus home to see her. I''m not sure if that makes any sense, but I''m kind of mad at him in a way cause I had to move away from my mom because of his fam.

Honestly, IMO I wouldnt expect much from school, Im not really sure what u do in the police academy as far as classes and test, but I was finishing my undergrad, and I had the WORST time studying...I just worked and I guess pretended to study?!?!

It sucked, but do NOT be hard on yourself if u have to drop out or what not, its not your fault at all, I use to beat myself up over it, thinking what is wrong with me, but it was something that was really out of my control...

I definitely understand with the DH not understanding. My brother committed suicide and my BF is an only, so he has no idea what its like to have any siblings.. and I used to get frustrated at him at why he couldnt understand or why he would said he does when I knew he didnt.. grrr it really pushed my buttons... and I finally just talked to him and just said I dont like when u agree u know what its like to lose your brother cuz u dont, and he agreed and just was my rock, let me talk when I wanted to and lets me wake him up at 3am when I cry..

...

I just really feel sooo bad for you, im in tears about your situation and I dont even know you, but seriously if ur ever feeling down, Ill be here to tell u its okay if your not normal or yourself for a long time, and honestly you may never be yourself again because apart of you is missing, and thats okay if your not yourself.. you dont have to be and no should try to make you...big hugs lots of hugs for you..and also I dunno if u have friends who understand either, so please come and vent/talk/ whatever on here to me and I believe it was phoenix who lost her dad... Maybe we could start a fun thread that we could post happy memories or stories of our loved ones we lost but never want to forget??

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/23/2008 12:29:18 AM
Author: blondebunny

Date: 8/23/2008 12:16:33 AM
Author: pichuchy21

Date: 8/23/2008 12:06:14 AM

Author: blondebunny

Im in tears from your post... My mom is my life also..she was actually in the hospital a week ago for almost having a stroke, and all the way to the hospital I didnt know what to think, I cant imagine my life without my mother.


Here is some advice that I have learned from my brother dying a little over 2 years ago..

1. Definitely DO NOT take a bunch of classes.. they really wont help u get ur mind off of things.. I really thought I was thr strongest person ever and that Id be fine, and I wasnt I did AWFUL, and it took me 2 semesters to be back to somewhat myself getting good grades... so do not feel like a failure if u do bad, I am pretty sure u can take off a semester for medical reasons or what not, and that would definitely be sufficient for that... or if u do mess up ur grades they should be able to appeal them and get them erased... If I could go back, Id take the semester off to help redefine who I am since I lost him....


2. Dont listen to ANYONE who tells u to get over it, I had a lot of people who didnt understand why i was still upset, and that I should be over it in a month. Its completely bull$*it IMO.... Its been 2 yrs and 2 months and I still cry almost once if not more a week... She''s your mom, she brought u into this world, and was a BIG part of your life for 25 years, you cant just simply forget it... It really takes time to just be OKAY with it... and it sounds weird but I have atleast 2 dreams a month with my brother in it where we have conversations like he is still here... its nice because I feel like i still get to see him and talk to him...



ETA: just saw about your hubby.. tell him u dont want him to agree or talk or anything u just want an ear to talk to and just a shoulder to cry on....im so sorry

3. Just remember all the good times, thats all I ever do, I remember funny things my brother said or stuff we did as kids.


4. My BF was probably the best thing ever to be when my brother died, and still is, he tells me he is my rock and to use him, for a while i didnt, but then it helped so much to be able to talk to him or just lay in his arms and cry... and if ur DH had a good relationship with her maybe itd be nice to just sit and talk about all the nice or fun things yall remember about her (maybe something u could do with your family u said u didnt get along with so good?)


Ok well big HUGS to you, I feel for you, its hard, but honestly it will get harder before it gets any easier or better...Ive found myself in many dark places.. but then thought about how great my life is and its life, gotta live with what your given and make the best out of it... Im just happy your mom got to see you get married before she passed... atleast you know she died proud and happy she saw her baby girl graduate and get married...

Thanks for the advice and I am sorry you lost your brother I know now the pain of losing someone is just awful. I really dont want to start the police academy on Monday, but everyone keeps telling me my mom would want me to atleast try it not to just give up. So I will go and see how it goes, but if I just find it extremely hard to focus I will drop out of it and maybe start in the spring. On the other hand I don''t work so if I don''t start the academy I''ll just be home all day with nothing to do but think. My DH is my other best friend and always will be, but I am having a hard time telling him how I feel becuase for one I feel like he doesn''t understand my pain and two I am a bit man because I moved away from home six hours away b/c his fam...his mother was driving me nuts and we weren''t going to make it if we stayed there so I feel as if I had to move away from my mom because of him not being able to keep his mom in check. Its just a very bad feeling to have, but its there. Even though I moved away from my mom she was still a part of my everyday life and everychance I got I took the bus home to see her. I''m not sure if that makes any sense, but I''m kind of mad at him in a way cause I had to move away from my mom because of his fam.

Honestly, IMO I wouldnt expect much from school, Im not really sure what u do in the police academy as far as classes and test, but I was finishing my undergrad, and I had the WORST time studying...I just worked and I guess pretended to study?!?!

It sucked, but do NOT be hard on yourself if u have to drop out or what not, its not your fault at all, I use to beat myself up over it, thinking what is wrong with me, but it was something that was really out of my control...

I definitely understand with the DH not understanding. My brother committed suicide and my BF is an only, so he has no idea what its like to have any siblings.. and I used to get frustrated at him at why he couldnt understand or why he would said he does when I knew he didnt.. grrr it really pushed my buttons... and I finally just talked to him and just said I dont like when u agree u know what its like to lose your brother cuz u dont, and he agreed and just was my rock, let me talk when I wanted to and lets me wake him up at 3am when I cry..

...

I just really feel sooo bad for you, im in tears about your situation and I dont even know you, but seriously if ur ever feeling down, Ill be here to tell u its okay if your not normal or yourself for a long time, and honestly you may never be yourself again because apart of you is missing, and thats okay if your not yourself.. you dont have to be and no should try to make you...big hugs lots of hugs for you..and also I dunno if u have friends who understand either, so please come and vent/talk/ whatever on here to me and I believe it was phoenix who lost her dad... Maybe we could start a fun thread that we could post happy memories or stories of our loved ones we lost but never want to forget??

Thank you so much and I did have a talk with DH today and told him exactly how I feel. He said he was sorry for making me feel the way he did and agreed to just listen to me when I needed to talk and thats really all I want because he doesn''t know how I feel since he has never lost someone. I only have one friend who just lost her dad to cancer about 2 months ago and she is just as lost and sad as I am so I call her everyday and we try to talk about the good times we had with out parents. It makes me sad, but just because I miss her so much.

 

[decodelighted]

I don''t know what to add really ... just wanted to WILL some support & care your way. I wish you HOPE. Hope that you will make it through this most painful period. Hope that other relationships will grow & fill in the enormous void in your day to day life (not your heart - as your mom will always hold quite a super sized apartment there!). Nature abhors a vacuum. New love, new sources of support will grow. I promise. Its just the time it takes to get from here to there -- the in between time -- is so very difficult. Just keep reaching out to people!!!!! I wish I could do more.

 

[LaraOnline]

Do you really have to start at the police academy on MONDAY?
could you consider deferring for six months?
If you do decide / or have to (!) go full time from monday, it''ll be a real boots-and-all experience...you will have to draw on your relationship with your Mum and your DH to give you strength!

 

[pichuchy21]

deco-thank you for your words of support.

laraonline-Unfortunately Monday is the start date for the academy it is really strict and if I miss I will get kicked out, but I do know that if I just can''t handle it I can try to start again in January.

 

[diamondfan]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure it is so tough, you sound like you two were so close and I am sure that you will miss her terribly. It will get better, but you were so close and it is such a sudden thing that I am sure it will be very painful for you. I know it seems that you will never feel good or happy again but you will. Rely on those around you and please know that you might have good and bad days. It is not a linear process. Grief comes in waves, and it helps to know that even if you are feeling okay you might suddenly think of something special about her or something will remind you of her and you will have a sad period. I think this is normal. Do not try to go it alone, but count on those around you who love you and want to be supportive. I am so sorry.

 

[marcy]

Pichuchy, I am so very sorry to hear about your mom. You and her had such a wonderful relationship and I know this has got to be awfully hard on you. I lost my BF 10 years ago and found it helped me to focus on the many good times we had together. I hope talking about it to your husband, family, friends, PS friends can help you. Big HUGS to you.

 

[VRBeauty]

Pichuchy: I am so sorry for your loss, and for the pain you''re going through. I can''t imagine losing your mother when you are still so young. I''m so glad that you and your mother were on more than good terms, that you weren''t in the throes of establishing boundaries -- breaking out of the old ways of relating but not yet decided on a new arrangement. Your love for each other shines through so clearly in your wedding photo. I''m sure some part of your mother fought real hard to be able to share in your wedding day, and I''m so glad that you will always have those memories and pictures.

My parents are still alive and because of physical distance I was not close to the relatives that have passed.... so I have not experienced the depth of loss that you have gone through. But from the grief I have gone through I can say that the period of constant pain will pass. One day you will wake up, or lay down at night, and realize that a little bit of the grief has lifted and a little bit of your old self has returned. Until that day comes, please seek out support or help if you need it -- especially if you find yourself in a downward spiral of despair.

Best wishes to you and your hubby during this difficult time.

 

[ucdcows]

Pichuchy, I''m so sorry for your loss. I just lost my grandmother in June and I know it is just the worst feeling in the world. It was absolutely awful watching her take her last breath and I think we can only take comfort in knowing that at least they are no longer suffering where they are now. Spend time with or talk to someone else who knew her and remember the happy memories of your mom. What I found therapeutic was sorting through pictures and remembering all the fun times we had as a family and talking to people who knew her as we all share some similar memories.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 8/22/2008 10:02:48 PM
Author:pichuchy21
I usually hang out in BWW and for those of you who might remember my last post was of my wedding pics. I got married to my bff on 7/3 and my amazing mom walked me down the aisle. It was really the best day of my life. I have never been happier. Three days later my mom was in the hospital after suffering from several strokes. Test results came back a few days later and her lung cancer had metastisized to her brain and other parts of her body within a few days. I went home to be by her side and it was so hard to see her deteriorate right before my very eyes. It was so sad to see my mom bed bond not being able to walk, talking incoherently it just messed me up. I came back home to take care of some school stuff and got a call from my sis on Monday 8/11 telling me to drive home because mom was trying to pass. All this time I knew she was bad, but I kept praying that she would get better she always did. SHe was strong. I drove home which is 6 hours away and made it to see my loving mother one last time. She couldn''t talk and didn''t have her eyes open, but the doctors said she can still hear us. I held her hands and told her how much I love her and how great she was. I didn''t want to say bye to her. I was gonna sleep at the hospital, but decided that I didn''t want to see my poor mom take her last breath. I left like at 1am and at 4:05am she took one last breath my stepdad said and was gone. I am so sad I feel like I am just giving up. Nothing make me happy anymore not my husband, not my dog, nothing. I miss her deeply. She was not only my mom, but my friend. We talked everyday on the phone in the morning, during lunch, on my drive home, while I cooked, before bed. I feel so lost without her. This is my first loss and I just can''t deal with this pain. School starts for me on Monday and I don''t even feel like going. For what? I am so mad that she fought so hard did chemo, brain radiation, and this nasty beast called cancer still took her from me. She was 59 years old and I am 25 I still needed her and I just don''t understand how eveything happend so fast. I feel scared all the time now, alone I mean she was the one person that I always wanted to make happy and now that she is not here with me I just feel lost without her. Will this pain and emptiness ever go away? I feel so confused right now. Life just isn''t gonna be the same without my mom.

Pichuchy - my heart goes out to you. I lost my mom on June 25th to ALS - Lou Gehrig''s Disease it''s often called in the US. It''s a horrible disease that eventually takes not only your ability to move, but the ability to speak, swallow, and breathe. It is invariably fatal and the only way to live with it is to eventually accept a feeding tube and forced ventilation. Well, she was having none of that. She was diagnosed with the bulbar form of the disease - usually it attacks the limbs first and works its way in to the throat and lungs - but the bulbar form attacks the throat and lungs first. It''s a much faster progression, with a person essentially losing her ability to speak and swallow, and starving to death before your eyes.

She was able to keep her ability to walk and work with her hands far longer though, luckily - she was a truly gifted watercolorist and all-around artist. It kept her going, but the thing I missed was the ability to talk to her. Like you, we used to talk every single day, and go play every weekend. We had such fun! To only be able to write while face to face or email was such a loss. By the time she died her 5''6" frame was down to about 80 lbs.

I guess what all this leads up to is, I understand your pain, although maybe I think mine is not quite as acute. I feel like I grieved every day for the 2 years leading to her death - to the point that by the time she died I was almost completely numb. It was such a slow-motion train wreck. I''m not sure which is worse - the sudden blow you have had - of having your mom seemingly fine one day and then deteriorated and gone the next, or watching a person you love have everything that makes life worthwhile taken away from them in increments, and all the while them knowing how the end will be...she bravely went to her end refusing any kind of feeding tube or help breathing. I''ve never known anyone so brave. It is humbling and heartbreaking. The numbness with flashes of intense grief that I have, is as disturbing in its way as the crippling grief you are going through. To seem unable to feel much of anything at times is hardly better...

I was fortunate - I had the help of hospice, and their chaplain was gem. I read some of the material they gave me on the grieving process, and yes it will be accute and searing for some time. That''s normal. (It is normal too to be numb - I think it depends on many factors) But it will throttle back at some point, to let you breathe a little. But the missing her will never go away.

The only advice I have is go through the motions. Go to school, go to work. Throw yourself into whatever you can. Distract yourself as much as you can, even if it''s only for a few minutes at a time. Let yourself enjoy something for just a minute. Those times will increase. And let your husband help you. Mine was and is, a rock. He lost his mom in ''93 to breast cancer, so he''s been a great guide down this path. He doesn''t try to fix my grief when I show it, but just hangs onto me and lets me go through it. Please know that we all make our way through this. You will do it in your own time and way, but you WILL get to joy again on the other side. You have a beautiful husband and a whole life laid out in front of you, with children perhaps, and new things to experience. I know your mom would not want you to miss any of that!

Sending a bit of love and comfort your way...

 

[justjulia]

I''m so sorry.

I lost my mother to lung cancer last Christmas. What can I say. It''s just, well, you know, ugh.

It''s unfair and untimely and just plain not right that you are having to go through this at such a young age.

One day at a time, dear. One foot in front of the other. Your mother would want you to carry on with your dream. You can do it.

 

[merlinthecat]

Firstly, let me just say how sorry I am for your loss. And secondly, can I just say that you look absolutely stunning in your wedding dress! You mom must have been so proud of you that day.

I''m going to keep it short but you said something which rang a bell with me immediately. You said this was the first person you had ever lost. I was in the same boat when my dad died 8-years ago.

The grieving process is a real roller coaster. Sometimes your brain still doesn''t register that this really happened. Your in a cycle of feeling:-

Total disbelief, overwhelming sadness, anger, hopelessness and in between all this, you can have the odd day when you feel like you might be able to pull yourself together. But the next morning, you wake up to find yourself back in the cycle of emotions.

The truth is you never actually ''get over it'' but you do learn to live with it. The way you are feeling is normal. Allow yourself time to grieve and feel sad, you have to go through the process. It''s just terrible if you''ve never experienced anything like this before, because you question if your life can ever be the same again. Well it can! And talking about it with others can help.

I don''t know whether you have any religious beliefs, but I can tell you one thing for sure. The soul is immortal and never dies. It''s just the body that dies. Life isn''t about how long we managed to live, but about how we live our lives and the people we touch. I''m kinda guessing you mom will have touched a lot of people while she''s been here, and will never be forgotten.

Death is the one certainty in life. So since my dad died, I try to make the most of every day because none of us really know how long we have.

You will get to the point where you can talk about your mum without crumbling into tears. You will be able to talk about all the wonderful times you shared and you''ll smile when you think of her.

Don''t worry because you feel you aren''t coping. Things will slowly get better.

Sending you all my love and a big cyber {{HUG}}

 

[allikatac]

I am so very sorry for your loss! I can''t imagine the pain that you are going through. With time the pain will lessen, but when you lose someone that important it does take time. Your feelings are very normal. I will pray for you and your family and I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that she is in a better place.

 

[Ellen]

I am SO sorry for your loss pichuchy.

Losing a parent just turns your world upside down, I know. As I''m sure it''s been said, these feelings are normal. Don''t try to rush the grieving process, it is necessary for your long term mental health. Things will get better, but it does take time. Just hang in there, this is life throwing you a major curveball.

{{big hugs}}

 

[oshinbreez]

I''m so sorry for your loss. It is hard to lose a loved one. That pic of you and your mother...I can see the love you have for each other. She is so proud of you. You fulfilled her dream of seeing you get married..

David''s dad died last year a week before Father''s Day. He was in Ohio with his dad when he was in the hospital, but it was time for him to come home (we live in FL) . When David had been gone from the hospital about 30-45 mins, he received a call telling him he needed to go back. I told David that I think his dad knew he was there, but didn''t want to pass with him being there. When he got back to the hospital, he had his last time with his dad. David told him it was ok for him to go, and his dad passed within a few minutes.

As everyone else has said, your feelings are normal. Things will get better. I lost my dad 11 years ago (Sept 13). There are still times when it''s hard....holidays, his birthday, father''s day, etc. Take the time you need to grieve. but don''t let it consume you. You have a new angel that is always with you.

Praying for you and your family.

 

[pichuchy21]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Like my life can''t get any worse my dad just called me to tell me my life long pet my dog that I had since I was 14 passed away this morning. When I went away to college my dad stayed with him to keep my dad company and my dad says he passed this morning. I don''t know if all this stuff that is happening to me will make me stronger or just brake me.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 8/23/2008 10:45:58 AM
Author: pichuchy21
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Like my life can''t get any worse my dad just called me to tell me my life long pet my dog that I had since I was 14 passed away this morning. When I went away to college my dad stayed with him to keep my dad company and my dad says he passed this morning. I don''t know if all this stuff that is happening to me will make me stronger or just brake me.

I am sorry about your pet!

I think you and your DH need to take a weekend to get away and take your mind off of things. Any chance of working that out in the near future?

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/23/2008 10:49:46 AM
Author: SarahLovesJS

Date: 8/23/2008 10:45:58 AM
Author: pichuchy21
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Like my life can''t get any worse my dad just called me to tell me my life long pet my dog that I had since I was 14 passed away this morning. When I went away to college my dad stayed with him to keep my dad company and my dad says he passed this morning. I don''t know if all this stuff that is happening to me will make me stronger or just brake me.

I am sorry about your pet!

I think you and your DH need to take a weekend to get away and take your mind off of things. Any chance of working that out in the near future?

No chance of that happening he is a police officer doing his training and can not take any time off. This all really stinks. That dog was like my son and now he is gone too. I know my dad is hurting a lot as well. My dad is 76 and the dog was his partner since I went away to college. Life is just too hard sometimes.

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/23/2008 12:38:54 AM
Author: decodelighted
I don''t know what to add really ... just wanted to WILL some support & care your way. I wish you HOPE. Hope that you will make it through this most painful period. Hope that other relationships will grow & fill in the enormous void in your day to day life (not your heart - as your mom will always hold quite a super sized apartment there!). Nature abhors a vacuum. New love, new sources of support will grow. I promise. Its just the time it takes to get from here to there -- the in between time -- is so very difficult. Just keep reaching out to people!!!!! I wish I could do more.

Lots of folks on here had great things to say so I don''t have a ton to add to that other than to ditto what deco is saying here. Reach out to people, talk about it... make sure you go through all 5 (i think its 5) stages of grief, don''t skip any, it''s important. Don''t give up on your goals! Keep moving forward with your life, your mom would have wanted you to. But take some time for you first. I know it''s hard to do during a time like this... but things WILL get easier as more time passes. It''s how you deal with it now that really matters. Being mad at your DH is natural too, being angry is part of grieving, anger at the person who died, yourself, the people closest to you...

I lost my mom too. I was 9 at the time but she was my best friend and I remember her as if it were yesterday. In fact 8/21 was the anniversary of her death. It does get easier with time. I didn''t handle my grief well when I went through it and it really affected me badly in my later years. It''s good to gireve and get it all out, don''t bottle it up. I''m an only child too so it was hard to lose a parent but my life moved forward and I feel good now and while I''m sad my mom won''t be at my wedding I feel okay about it too. I miss her but I don''t feel empty anymore and the pain does go away. I needed my mom more than anything when I was growing up but I made it through that time and even now I wish she was here to help me with things but I have my dad at least and he''s great. I''m lucky he''s in my life still.

It may take a really really long time for you to heal from this but that''s totally okay. There''s no time limit on these things. Don''t force yourself to be over it faster or to bottle it up more... just let it all out. I had a friend who''s dad died and she stilll isn''t over it 7 years later, but thats because she spent so much time bottling it up and medicating it with things like alcohol she never really grieved!

Anyways I hope my ramble was somewhat helpful. My mom died from an accident so I lost her very suddenly. I don''t think suddenly is a bad thing per se though, it was traumatic for sure. She died pain-free at least. So take this as you will, I lost my mom too and my life did go on and sure I miss her a lot but i''m happy in my life now as well. So I am sad that you are sad... but I know that you won''t always be sad, so I''m hopeful for you as well.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/23/2008 10:45:58 AM
Author: pichuchy21
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Like my life can't get any worse my dad just called me to tell me my life long pet my dog that I had since I was 14 passed away this morning. When I went away to college my dad stayed with him to keep my dad company and my dad says he passed this morning. I don't know if all this stuff that is happening to me will make me stronger or just brake me.

Only if you let it, just don't let it, ok? I am so sorry.


When it rains, it pours....

 

[AmberGretchen]

Oh pichuchy, what a heartbreaking post and situation for you. I think its important to just allow yourself to feel your grief however you need to feel it, and if that means taking some time to recover from this horrible loss, then so be it.

My heart goes out to you - I''m sending healing thoughts your way, though I know that this pain is unimaginable.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 8/23/2008 11:25:40 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 8/23/2008 10:45:58 AM
Author: pichuchy21
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Like my life can't get any worse my dad just called me to tell me my life long pet my dog that I had since I was 14 passed away this morning. When I went away to college my dad stayed with him to keep my dad company and my dad says he passed this morning. I don't know if all this stuff that is happening to me will make me stronger or just brake me.

Only if you let it, just don't let it, ok? I am so sorry.


When it rains, it pours....

Please don't let it, you are a gorgeous lady, you sound like you have a beautiful heart too. We care about you very much!!!! I am so sorry about your beloved dog too. Talk to your hubby; you need each other. Sending you a great big hug today.

 

[UCLABelle]

Pichuchy21- I am so sorry. I wish I could tell you how I felt (have had many losses during my short life) but none would compare to losing my Mom. I can say, that healing takes time and you will always have a void...but your Mom, wherever she is, will ensure that you will once again be happy!

Prayers are with you, every night.

 

[pichuchy21]

Thank you all for the encouraging words and for those of you who have lost loved ones as well I am sorry. The pain that we go through is just the worst. I can''t really talk to my husband right now about how I feel because he is studying for his state exam which he takes Tuesday. I don''t want to distract him from it because if he doesn''t pass this exam he will be asked to resign from his job. It all really sucks right now. I just wasn''t ready for this I mean no one really ever is. Thank you for listening to me and sending me your support I really appreciate it.

 

[violet02]

Keep posting if you need to talk, there are so many people here to support you... it''s a great place to get things off your chest when there''s no one you can talk to right now. At any time of the day or night!

 

[diamondfan]

I am a night owl so fire away. I lost my dad to cancer in 1981.

Good luck to your hubby on his exam. He will be there for sure once this pressure is off of him I am sure.

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/23/2008 1:32:11 PM
Author: diamondfan
I am a night owl so fire away. I lost my dad to cancer in 1981.

Good luck to your hubby on his exam. He will be there for sure once this pressure is off of him I am sure.

Thank you and I''m sorry you lost your dad to this beast called cancer. I really hope that my husband passes this test our life depends on it. So much pressure.