My sadness just gets worse by the day...

[partgypsy]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It is the price you pay, the more important, loving or meaningful the relationship, all the more sharp the grief is when that person is gone. Your grief is a testament to the importance of that relationship in your life, and it is a loss. It reminds me of seeing a wisteria vine wrap around a tree to get high enough to bloom; though the wisteria could have existed separately, as the tree also, after their lifetime together the wisteria has been formed in the shape of the tree and is supported by the tree, and if you cut away the wisteria you see the marks the vine has left in the tree. They have "grown into" each other.

You are strong beautiful daughter. Although you are grieiving now, in time you can be another testament of your mother by doing and being all those things she expected and hoped of you all those years when she was raising you. She will never die as long as you remember her and keep her in your spirit.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 8/23/2008 10:54:13 AM
Author: pichuchy21

Date: 8/23/2008 10:49:46 AM

Author: SarahLovesJS

Date: 8/23/2008 10:45:58 AM

Author: pichuchy21

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Like my life can''t get any worse my dad just called me to tell me my life long pet my dog that I had since I was 14 passed away this morning. When I went away to college my dad stayed with him to keep my dad company and my dad says he passed this morning. I don''t know if all this stuff that is happening to me will make me stronger or just brake me.

I am sorry about your pet!

I think you and your DH need to take a weekend to get away and take your mind off of things. Any chance of working that out in the near future?

No chance of that happening he is a police officer doing his training and can not take any time off. This all really stinks. That dog was like my son and now he is gone too. I know my dad is hurting a lot as well. My dad is 76 and the dog was his partner since I went away to college. Life is just too hard sometimes.

I am sorry hun.

Why don''t y''all go see a movie or go to dinner or something? Do something a bit relaxing? I will send a bunch of prayers your Dad''s way, too. This must be hard for him, too. ((hugs)) Best of luck to your DH as well in his training.

 

[allycat0303]

I am so sorry for your loss. I think you are reacting in a completely normal where. Her passing was unexpected, and so fast that I don''t think you have had time to fully assimulate what happened. I am keeping your family in my thoughts.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Oh, I do hope you will always remember every precious memory of your mother. I can only imagine the depth of your sadness, but try to let your husband console you. I''m sure he''ll listen and be there for you, if you let him. It''s hard to sometimes be that raw and emotional with someone, but it really will help.

Take care of yourself... and let others help take care of you, especially right now!

 

[GoingCrazy]

I know I don''t post very much but I just had to reply.

I to lost my mom to cancer. She was 42 and I was 23.
It was only 6 years ago and yet I remember it like it was yesterday.

Everyone on this board has given you great advice and just take it one day at a time, and like everyone has said if you need to vent feel free to bring it on.
A lot of us have stood in your shoes and we understand how you are feeling.

Lots of love and hugs.

 

[iheartscience]

I''m so sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need to grieve and if that means not entering the police academy right away, so be it.

I agree with others that grief counseling, possibly in a support group, would probably be helpful for you. And if you don''t click with your current therapist, try out another one-sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right fit.

 

[marcy]

I''ve been thinking about you since last night. As others have said you''ve gotten a lot of good advice. You''ll have to find what helps you. I found talking to people especially my friend''s family really helped me. I got together with my BF''s sister this summer and we agreed it still hurts as much as ever but we are maybe a bit more used to it. We both love to focus on the good times and there are days that will always to awful, there wlll always be days that are hard and it will feel like it just happened yesterday. Take care of yourself. You are in my thoughts.

 

[pichuchy21]

Thank you all for your replies and your kind words.

Goingcrazy- I am sorry that you lost your mom as well its just one of those things I just wish never had to happen.

Everyone has given me great advice and I thank you for that. Talking to you guys makes me feel a bit better strange because I really don''t know any of you. Like I said my husband doesn''t get my pain and talking to him just pisses me off b/c he looks at me like whats wrong with me. He is a very strong emotionless person so I don''t think he''ll ever understand how I feel even though he says he does. Talking to my family is pointless because they are so dumb sometimes and sometimes I feel like I''m the only normal one. It''s weird. On Monday I am going to look into grief counseling since I think I will really benefit from it. Losing my childhood dog today was less painful and I always thought that when that day came I would nearly die, but I didn''t. I miss the little guy and he will always remain alive in my heart plus he is probably in heaven with my mom who loved him very much. Thanks again guys I mean August will always be a month to remember for me. I lost my mommy my best friend and my pooch who was by my side always. It sucks, but I guess this is just a part of life we all have to go through even though it is very painful.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I''m so glad you are hanging in there. Grief counseling sounds like a good idea. My philosophy is, it can''t hurt, right?

Do you think it could be that your husband is hurting for you and worried about you but just doesn''t know how to show it? My DH has seemed a little bewildered as well, but I know he wants to help me and comfort me. I just push him away sometimes because, well, I''m in pain and I don''t always want to hug and then go about having a normal day. So I''m thinking maybe your husband is understanding that you are in pain but he just doesn''t know what to do to help you. I''m just trying to be as honest as possible with mine. "It''s nice that you put on a song that my dad liked but I don''t always want to suddenly be reminded of him without warning." That kind of thing. He doesn''t know how I''m feeling unless I tell him.

And remember that this is happening to him too. No, it wasn''t his mother, but I''m sure he liked and loved your mom, and is also sad to have lost her. On top of that, he is trying to comfort his new bride. If he''s the average guy, he does not have this figured out without some practice and needs a few tips here and there.

I was also sorry to hear about your dog.

Such stinky timing. But I am glad that you are realizing how strong you are and that you can get through anything.

I think police academy will be a good thing. I went into my classroom a few times last week to get stuff ready. I really didn''t want to go, but a friend invited me to go in at the same time and she was, and all of sudden I was totally into getting organized for this year. It was a much needed distraction. I was afraid that it would be too hard, but actually I needed something to fill up a big portion of my day. Absolutely I still need to set aside time to grieve, to write in my journal, to talk to friends and family, and to see my therapist. But having nothing to do gave me the option to just watch tv all day and feel worse and get worse. I think having a regular schedule will help me go through the motions of being normal as I try to develop a new normal for my life.

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/23/2008 11:35:26 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
I''m so glad you are hanging in there. Grief counseling sounds like a good idea. My philosophy is, it can''t hurt, right?

Do you think it could be that your husband is hurting for you and worried about you but just doesn''t know how to show it? My DH has seemed a little bewildered as well, but I know he wants to help me and comfort me. I just push him away sometimes because, well, I''m in pain and I don''t always want to hug and then go about having a normal day. So I''m thinking maybe your husband is understanding that you are in pain but he just doesn''t know what to do to help you. I''m just trying to be as honest as possible with mine. ''It''s nice that you put on a song that my dad liked but I don''t always want to suddenly be reminded of him without warning.'' That kind of thing. He doesn''t know how I''m feeling unless I tell him.

And remember that this is happening to him too. No, it wasn''t his mother, but I''m sure he liked and loved your mom, and is also sad to have lost her. On top of that, he is trying to comfort his new bride. If he''s the average guy, he does not have this figured out without some practice and needs a few tips here and there.

I was also sorry to hear about your dog.

Such stinky timing. But I am glad that you are realizing how strong you are and that you can get through anything.

I think police academy will be a good thing. I went into my classroom a few times last week to get stuff ready. I really didn''t want to go, but a friend invited me to go in at the same time and she was, and all of sudden I was totally into getting organized for this year. It was a much needed distraction. I was afraid that it would be too hard, but actually I needed something to fill up a big portion of my day. Absolutely I still need to set aside time to grieve, to write in my journal, to talk to friends and family, and to see my therapist. But having nothing to do gave me the option to just watch tv all day and feel worse and get worse. I think having a regular schedule will help me go through the motions of being normal as I try to develop a new normal for my life.

Hmm I think you might be on to something about my husband I really never thought about it that way I just kept thinking it wasn''t his mom so what the hell does he care, but he did have a great relationship with my mom so maybe your right. I think the academy is going to help because I don''t work actually lost my job in June and other than starting the academy I don''t have much going on. The academy will be very time consuming M-F from 1-10, but atleast that is 9 hours of the day that I won''t be all sad and bumbed out. Cause all I have been doing since my mom passed is laying on the couch crying and watching cartoons. The hard part about Monday will not being able to call my mom and let her know how my first day went. It''s just little things like that that make me sad and will take me a long time to get use to. I am glad that starting the school year seems to be a good distraction for you I think the academy will be the same for me. Another sucky thing about all this is that I have been resorting to sleep aids. Ever since my mom passed I can''t fall asleep on my own I get really scared and its like all my childhood fears of the dark are back. I think it might also have to do with the fact that my mom passed at night I''m not really sure, but I am really againt taking pills, but I had been up for a straight 72 hours after my mom passed and the pharmacist rec. I take some pills called simply sleep.

 

[Linda W]

pichuchy,

I am so, so very sorry about your dear mother. I really don''t know what else to add, that hasn''t been already said to you honey. I do know how much you are hurting right now, I lost my dear father almost 4 years ago and I think of him every day. I do know, you have to allow yourself time to grieve.

Talking to people helped me a lot and I think it will help you also. I can promise you one thing sweetheart, in time, this horrible pain you are feeling will get easier and you will be left with beautiful memories of your precious mother in your heart.

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/24/2008 12:04:45 AM
Author: Linda W
pichuchy,

I am so, so very sorry about your dear mother. I really don''t know what else to add, that hasn''t been already said to you honey. I do know how much you are hurting right now, I lost my dear father almost 4 years ago and I think of him every day. I do know, you have to allow yourself time to grieve.

Talking to people helped me a lot and I think it will help you also. I can promise you one thing sweetheart, in time, this horrible pain you are feeling will get easier and you will be left with beautiful memories of your precious mother in your heart.

Thanks Linda I hope your right and that with time I can think of all the good times we had without getting so sad or crying. I am sorry you lost your father. This is something I don''t want to go through again, but unfortunately I''m gonna have to. My daddy is 76 and even though I am not as close as I was to my mom I know I will miss him deeply when he is no longer here. My stepdad is 57 and I know I will miss him too. I have been trying to be supportive for him since he is falling apart without my mom. They had been together for 22 years. I think I also need to get closer to God its ironic that I need something bad to happen to get me to go to church, but I think if I do it will also help me cope with the loss of my mom.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/24/2008 12:10:14 AM
Author: pichuchy21

Date: 8/24/2008 12:04:45 AM

Author: Linda W

pichuchy,


I am so, so very sorry about your dear mother. I really don''t know what else to add, that hasn''t been already said to you honey. I do know how much you are hurting right now, I lost my dear father almost 4 years ago and I think of him every day. I do know, you have to allow yourself time to grieve.


Talking to people helped me a lot and I think it will help you also. I can promise you one thing sweetheart, in time, this horrible pain you are feeling will get easier and you will be left with beautiful memories of your precious mother in your heart.

Thanks Linda I hope your right and that with time I can think of all the good times we had without getting so sad or crying. I am sorry you lost your father. This is something I don''t want to go through again, but unfortunately I''m gonna have to. My daddy is 76 and even though I am not as close as I was to my mom I know I will miss him deeply when he is no longer here. My stepdad is 57 and I know I will miss him too. I have been trying to be supportive for him since he is falling apart without my mom. They had been together for 22 years. I think I also need to get closer to God its ironic that I need something bad to happen to get me to go to church, but I think if I do it will also help me cope with the loss of my mom.

That very well may help you, I do agree with that. I cried myself to sleep for weeks and weeks after my father died. I was a mess, just as you are feeling now. It really did a world of good to talk to people. At first, I retreated into myself and I knew that wasn''t the way to go.

We are here for you honey, just post and we will be here. I know the feeling how you don''t want to go through the pain again, I don''t either when my mother''s time comes.

Maybe you will feel better talking to a minister, I know it helped me, just an idea for you.


Linda

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/24/2008 12:27:48 AM
Author: Linda W

Date: 8/24/2008 12:10:14 AM
Author: pichuchy21

Date: 8/24/2008 12:04:45 AM

Author: Linda W

pichuchy,


I am so, so very sorry about your dear mother. I really don''t know what else to add, that hasn''t been already said to you honey. I do know how much you are hurting right now, I lost my dear father almost 4 years ago and I think of him every day. I do know, you have to allow yourself time to grieve.


Talking to people helped me a lot and I think it will help you also. I can promise you one thing sweetheart, in time, this horrible pain you are feeling will get easier and you will be left with beautiful memories of your precious mother in your heart.

Thanks Linda I hope your right and that with time I can think of all the good times we had without getting so sad or crying. I am sorry you lost your father. This is something I don''t want to go through again, but unfortunately I''m gonna have to. My daddy is 76 and even though I am not as close as I was to my mom I know I will miss him deeply when he is no longer here. My stepdad is 57 and I know I will miss him too. I have been trying to be supportive for him since he is falling apart without my mom. They had been together for 22 years. I think I also need to get closer to God its ironic that I need something bad to happen to get me to go to church, but I think if I do it will also help me cope with the loss of my mom.

That very well may help you, I do agree with that. I cried myself to sleep for weeks and weeks after my father died. I was a mess, just as you are feeling now. It really did a world of good to talk to people. At first, I retreated into myself and I knew that wasn''t the way to go.

We are here for you honey, just post and we will be here. I know the feeling how you don''t want to go through the pain again, I don''t either when my mother''s time comes.

Maybe you will feel better talking to a minister, I know it helped me, just an idea for you.


Linda

Thanks Linda and getting closer to God is something that I plan on doing my friend is coming over tomorrow to tell me more about her church. Thanks again.

 

[Eva17]

i am soo soo sooo sorry for loss. your beautiful mom and your pet.

your last line really touches on the reality that yes life will never be the same. it will be very different. the pain can be unbearable at times, but eventually you will be able to smile when you remember or see your moms beautiful face in your minds eye.


but as a mother, i KNOW your mom would only want the best for you as you move forward in your new life as wife.

how blessed you are that you were able to share your special day as a bride with your mom.



i hope the sun will shine again for you soon. please keep sharing your feelings and allow your husband to help you through this. just cry, scream, beat the pillow, and know that your pain in normal. but, do keep yourself busy by trying to get through the motions of life. it is way better for you that giving up and shutting down. beside that is not what your MOM would want you to do......


again, i am so sorry and would love to give you lots of giant bear hugs!

I will be praying for you!

 

[dani13]

OMG, Pich, I am so so sorry for all of the pain you are going through right now. Life is so unfair sometimes. I wish you much strength during this difficult time, and I will be praying for you. *Big hugs*

 

[pichuchy21]

Eva and Dani-Thank you both for replying. Today seems to be better than yesterday, but I am still very sad and hurt and this gloomy weather isn''t helping. I have been busy today getting all my stuff ready for school which is probably why it seems to be a better day. I woke up with my mom on my mind and will probably go to bed with her on my mind as well. Its so weird to know that someone can be here on mintute and then gone the next. I know my heart will be aching for her for a long time cause she was such an important part of my life, but I am thankful of all the things we got to do together and the last words she said to me...she said she loves me more after I told her I loved her. It is memories like that one that I want to remember. Thanks again guys for listening to me and for your replies.

 

[miraclesrule]

((((((pichuchy)))))<-------------- big hugs

Death comes to us all, and it is the greatest mystery of life. We really have no choice but to open up to the pain of death, our own or others. And when it is your parent, prematurely, it is extremely painful. Your wound is still raw. Only time will ease your sorrow. You can try to preoccupy yourself with work or other things, but it does not always help. You will just begin crying in the middle of the day. You will have to "take a moment". Your own daily routine has been interrupted as you talked to your Mom so often and those moments will be hard to bear at times.

Personally, how I dealt with it, was that I continued to talk to my Dad. I was lucky to be alone a lot of the time at home, so I could be as silly as I wanted to be or as angry or as sad as I felt. I sometimes did this out loud, and sometimes silently.

You have been through huge life changes. The stress of your wedding and then losing your Mom. You can''t expect to heal through this emotional rollercoaster in so little time. I pray that your grief moves through you gently, but know that it is a process and we are here for you.

Trust me when I tell you, that it is easy to believe that you will always feel like you do right now. Depressed, angry, sad, scared, guilty....all sorts of emotions. But it does subside with time and then you will set both you and your Mom free with memories of love, joy, and her strength of spirit....which you now carry.

I wish you peace.

 

[bee*]

I''m so sorry for your loss.Sending lots of thoughts and prayers to you.

 

[sbde]

pichuchy - just wanted to offer my condolences. please take care of yourself...i''m so so sorry for your loss.

 

[pichuchy21]

miraclesrule, bee, sbde-Thank you guys for writing to me. Today was an ok day I was really busy getting ready for school and gathering all of my moms pictures and letters she wrote me in one place. Of course I cried my heart out when I was going through that stuff, but it felt better after I let it out. Thanks again.

 

[PrincessDijon]

Sorry to hear about your loss...

My condolences to you and your family.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Pichuchy, I''m glad you have letters and notes from your mom to remind you of her love.

I was thinking just today of what you were saying about how you would have called your mom. I never realized it, but my dad was a whole lot more interested in the little details of my job than anyone else in my family. It''s just not the same telling them about what duty I got or what the new principal is like. But at the same time I can almost guess what my dad would have said. His memory is with me, and he took joy in the fact that I love my job and work hard at it, and I need to keep doing that.

Will you come tell us how your first day is? I know we''ll all be thinking about you. First days are always a bit weird (don''t know the routine, where to go, who to sit by, etc.) but the important thing is surviving them and remembering that each successive day should get better and better.

 

[pichuchy21]

Date: 8/24/2008 10:27:07 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
Pichuchy, I''m glad you have letters and notes from your mom to remind you of her love.

I was thinking just today of what you were saying about how you would have called your mom. I never realized it, but my dad was a whole lot more interested in the little details of my job than anyone else in my family. It''s just not the same telling them about what duty I got or what the new principal is like. But at the same time I can almost guess what my dad would have said. His memory is with me, and he took joy in the fact that I love my job and work hard at it, and I need to keep doing that.

Will you come tell us how your first day is? I know we''ll all be thinking about you. First days are always a bit weird (don''t know the routine, where to go, who to sit by, etc.) but the important thing is surviving them and remembering that each successive day should get better and better.

Hey phoenixgirl I have been thinking all day about the fact that I won''t be able to call my mom to tell her how my first day went or to call her during my lunch break, or on my drive to school. I mean literally I talked to her more than anyone else. My husband is leaving tomorrow to take his state exam so my friend is sleeping over since I''m scared to sleep by myself. Like I said before all my childhood fears of the dark are back, but I am hoping with time I will get over them. I too try to hear my mom''s voice in my head and just imagine what she would say to me. Tomorrow is going to be a weird day out of the 30 something people in the class there are only 3 girls including me. My stepdad and I were always close he took care of me since I was three and he has been calling me a lot so its nice to talk to him about my mom and things we all did together. I will drop by tomorrow night and let ya''ll know how the first day went. I really hope I don''t get sad in class I really don''t want to cry infront of other people, but we''ll see what happens.

 

[Deelight]

pichuchy I am so sorry for the loss of your mum, I don''t know what to say exactly but I just wanted you to know that my thoughts are with you.

Take the time to grieve, don''t rush yourself and give yourself time to heal however long that takes. One day you will be able to think about your mum without crying for sadness but with happiness and joy in your heart for the person she was and who she is as she lives on in you.

I lost my mum when I was very young and I still talk to her and I know she looks after me. The people we love never leave us we just can''t see them when we want to.

Hugs and take care

 

[GoingCrazy]

I just wanted to say I think grief counseling is a great idea.
I did it after my mom passed and it was probably one of the only things that kept me going. It was nice to talk to someone, even if it was a complete stranger, and get it all out. I felt like I could say things to her that I couldn''t say to anyone else. She gave me some really great advice, so if you are able to I say go for it.

 

[marcy]

Good luck on your first day tomorrow. I will be thinking of you. I am glad you have the letters and pictures from your mom. Take care.

 

[snlee]

pichuchy, your post breaks my heart. I''m so sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family. You are in my thoughts. Lots of hugs to you.

 

[asscherisme]

I am so sorry for your loss. I want to echo what others have said that what you are feeling is NORMAL.

I lost my dad 4 years ago and I can tell you it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. He was 60, so about the same age as your mom and I felt it was so unfair. Since both his parents were still alive at the time, I just excpected I would have him around a lot longer.

His death made me question everything, life, death, meaning of life, etc. I have 4 kids, the youngest was just a newborn and the second youngest had just turned 1 so I had to get up everyday and function and take care of them. I think it was the only thing keeping me from sinking into a read depression. Therapy helped too.

Time does help, but reading posts like this reallly brings it back like its raw. It makes you appreciate life more and realize how fragile it is. I also found that it made me grow up suddenly in a way that even being married and being a mother did not.

And I am really sorry about the loss of your beloved pet. Thats just hard to deal with on top of your mom.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 8/23/2008 10:45:58 AM

Author: pichuchy21

Like my life can't get any worse my dad just called me to tell me my life long pet my dog that I had since I was 14 passed away this morning.

pichuchy, I am a lot older than you-more your mother's age (57)-and can take a lot more than you. Nevertheless, I have had a similar year...as has my daughter! While my daughter (then 15) was hospitalized for a suicide attempt I had to euthanize our 11 year-old Labrador that we all adored because his suffering from arthritis had become too great. She heard the news in the hospital.

Then in late May, when my mother was dying, my daughter couldn't bear to watch it and made another suicide attempt. She had to be treated for Tylenol toxicity in a regular hospital before she could go to a psychiatric hospital. My daughter and I learned of my mother's death in a meeting at the psychiatric hospital. My mother was the best woman on earth...and in the nursing home no one knew it. She wasn't herself and was treated like just a body that had to be hoisted by a machine because she could no longer walk. Thank God my father cut up cucumbers and visited her to feed her all her meals. She ate them, diced, with lemon and the Probiotic yogurt Sharon (canuk-gal) recommended. It was the one thing she would always eat!

At any rate, I am obviously mixing up my sequences. I wanted to tell you that I feel for you. You are far too young to lose your mother. You need and deserve to have a mother for many more years. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry.

Love,
Deb