My mom has just passed away

[AGBF]

Dear lien,

At first I thought that the most devastating aspect of how you lost your mother (apart from losing her at all) was that she had not gotten the best possible care. The idea that she might have languished in pain or labored for breath without assistance that could have been rendered by medical staff is unedurable.

As the story unfolded, it seemed that your father was quite sure that everyone at the hospital did everything humanly possible to aid your mother. I, living vicariously through you, heaved a sigh of relief that everyone had helped. No one had neglected her.

Then I thought that the hardest part of the loss was not being there: not because you did not get a chance to say good-bye, important as that is, but because you were not able to see that your mother got all the love, care, and comfort that she could possibly use.

I am sorry for your loss and sorry you could not be there. I am hoping that you will heal with time, but I know that a mother is forever and can never be replaced by anyone else.

Love,
Deborah

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 8/29/2007 9:24:33 AM
Author: shminbabe
Lien, I share your pain. My mom died on May 17. It's totally strange to realize she gone. Gone. Vanished. A life, over.

She was blessed to have 60 years of marriage; my mom had 52! While she was too young to go, just 74, (writing this is like a punch in the stomach) I feel that her circle was complete. Marriage, kids, grandkids, lots of love. Hoping you will cope and grieve and remember your mom and feel her presense.

Jeannie, I am so very sorry to hear about your mom. Isn't it weird how one day they're here and the next they're gone? It's the suddeness of it that I am still struggling to cope with.

You're right. That's what everyone says. My mom did a terrific job raising us. Lots of love, lots of great career and lots of grandkids and greatgrandkids. I do feel her presence and think about her everyday, like I've always had.

I hope you're coping ok with the loss of your own mom too. Hugs.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 8/29/2007 9:46:08 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Lien,

Just wanted you to know that I''m thinking of you as you continue to grieve. What a difficult and painful time.

~K

Kimberly,

Thank you for your kind thoughts and words. Pls see what I am writing below re my dad.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 8/29/2007 1:07:45 PM
Author: Ellen
Lien,

You are in my thoughts.

Ellen,

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. Pls see my post below.

 

[Phoenix]

Date: 8/30/2007 11:03:21 AM
Author: AGBF


Dear lien,

At first I thought that the most devastating aspect of how you lost your mother (apart from losing her at all) was that she had not gotten the best possible care. The idea that she might have languished in pain or labored for breath without assistance that could have been rendered by medical staff is unedurable.

As the story unfolded, it seemed that your father was quite sure that everyone at the hospital did everything humanly possible to aid your mother. I, living vicariously through you, heaved a sigh of relief that everyone had helped. No one had neglected her.

Then I thought that the hardest part of the loss was not being there: not because you did not get a chance to say good-bye, important as that is, but because you were not able to see that your mother got all the love, care, and comfort that she could possibly use.

I am sorry for your loss and sorry you could not be there. I am hoping that you will heal with time, but I know that a mother is forever and can never be replaced by anyone else.

Love,
Deborah

Dear Deborah,

Thank you for your kind words. It really killed me to think of all the pain my mum must have gone through, but my dad reassured me the hospital - nurses and doctors - did everything they could have to try and save her and they did attend to her but were primarily waiting for the test results before they could give her pain killer and any other medication (apart from the oxygen and the IV drip). So it was true that my mum was in pain for several hours but this was whilst they were waiting for the test resutls and there was nothing more they could have done, so it seems, according to my dad. I do not wish to challenge what he says and have to accept that he knew what was best for her and what was happening at the time. As he points out, I was not there at the time and so "what did I know?". I just have to accept that everything humanly possible was done, as soon as they got the results back and got a better understanding of her medical history (this was in fact a different hospital from the one she'd been attending - contrary to my initial understanding), to alleviate her pain and suffering. To probe further would cause further pain to my dad, I think, so I am just going to leave it well alone. I do so wish I could have been there, but nothing I can do abt that now.

I will continue to grieve and hopefully time will lessen the pain somewhat but my beautiful memories of my mum will always be with me.

 

[Phoenix]

Well, after my own research on the internet and several conversations with various people, including the TB specialist in the UK who attended to my mum for several years, and to my husband (DH is in Chicago attending a wedding, and has been talking to his brother - a doctor whom I've asked for help ), it seems that what DH and I knew, both factually and intuitely, was mostly in fact correct.

First, the TB specialist in London confirmed that my mum did indeed have advanced TB, that in fact she'd had it for many many years before the diagnosis was done in S'pore and re-confirmed in London upon her returning there. This was the primary cause of her severe weight loss and was the cause of the paralysis in her legs. He said he'd seen this many times before and her tests and condition confirmed this. He says that her spine had been damaged, quite badly, that it caused the paralysis in her legs. He actually had told both my parents at the time (in 2002) that she was never going to walk again. The fact that she regained the use of her legs later on, albeit not totally, was quite remarkable and must have been due mainly to her fighting spirits and her sheer determination - not to give up.

Then, my brother in law talked to various independent cardiologists, neurosurgeons, and an infectious disease specialist, who independently confirmed the above. These people don't know me from Adam and I'd stressed to BIL when I asked for help that he was NOT to give me the sugar-coated version and that I simply must know the truth, or what was likely to have happened, even if it was in agreement with what my dad has alleged. Hubby called me yesterday after having spoken to BIL. Apparently, the infectious disease specialist again repeated what the TB specialist in London had said, that my mum did indeed have advanced TB. Coupled with what the cardiologists and neurosurgeons said, her enlarged heart had trouble pumping blood to her body and her legs, being the furthermost points from her heart, received the least supply of blood. This explains why my mum had trouble walking as we saw when she first arrived in S'pore. This lack of regular blood supply, coupled with the damaged spine, contributed to her paralysis. The neurosurgeons also confirmed that there was no way the catheter went anywhere near the nerves controlling her leg movements or the blood vessels supplying blood to her legs. They also said that if the catheter had somehow pierced through the main blood vessel (as my dad also alleges was a possibility) and went somewhere else instead of the artery leading to her heart, she would have had major internal beeding and the doctors in S'pore would then have known immediately and would have had to cut her open to try and repair this and she'd have for sure died immediately on the operating table given her already then poor health. And let's say that they had gone in from a different place, a different entry from they should have (as my dad also alleges was another possibility), there would have been brusing, pain or other signs of a puncture elsewhere. As it was, none of these was present.

As for my dad's question why my mum lost total use of her legs the night of the procedure, it appears that the procedure, like everyone other procedure, was taxing on her body (as it would have been taxing on anyone else, but more so given my mum's poor health). This took tolll on her body and brought forward the paralysis. The paralysis, it seems, would have happened anyway, for sure, given the advanced state of her TB - ie the damaged parts of the spine as well as the lack of blood supply to her legs - the procedure just made it happen sooner.

Had we'd known this was going to happen, we would have explored other alternative instead of the cardiac catheterisation, but we acted on the information we had at the time . But one thing is for sure, if we hadn't admitted her to the hospital here (which was in fact one of the reasons why we wanted my parents to come to S'pore - as the doctors in the UK could not, after numerous tests, over several months - pinpoint the cause of her severe weight loss and the obvious decline in her general health), her TB would have gone undetected (as it had for many years prior) and she would have died from it and according to everyone we've spoken to, her death would have happened much sooner (and noone would have known what'd caused it) and what we've done actually prolonged her life.

I 've also spoken to my friend, an ex-police woman, who dealt with death and bereavement on many many instances and she says that my dad's reaction is completely normal. That people tend to blame themselves and / or others when they lose a loved one. She also says that the fact I was physically there in London made me an easy target! (and there I was thinking I was there to console him!). DH also spoke to his mom who after having lost her husband a few years ago, went to a bereavement support group and apparently people do go through this, this anger (after the initial denial stage) and it is completely understandable that my dad is lashing out on other people, too bad I was there for him to take out his anger on! I do so wish that my dad would join some support group or find some other way to talk about his pain and loss. I just know that he won't. I was there to try and talk to him about mum but the only such talk was his pointing the blame on me and the doctors in S'pore. Hopefully, with time, he'll come to realise that I am here for him, as are his other children, should he need to talk about his anger and pain, but hopefully not in a blaming way!

Well, having said that, as much as I am in pain abt my mum's death, if it helps my dad to take out his anger on me, then so be it. I am definitely not happy about it, but if it makes him feel better to blame me, then I'd rather be the one bearing the pain than he. I am planning to write a letter to him to explain what's happened and what was likely the cause of my mum's death and that noone was to blame. If he understands and accepts that, then that's good, if not, then there's really not much more I can do. All I can say is that I am no longer feeling guilty that somehow I was responsible for or that I was the one causing her death, like what he's alleged. I spent so many nights and days this week, feeling tremendous guilt and crying my eyes out about this. Hopefully, with the extra information which confirmed what we already knew, I can finally find some inner peace.

Thank you very much, everyone, for letting me share my difficult and painful "journey" and thank you, again, to everyone who's written in with your words of tremendous support and kind thoughts and understanding.

Lots of love,

Lien

 

[Kay]

Lien,

I just wanted to let you know I''m thinking about you. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and that you have been further traumatized by your father lashing out at you in his grief. I am glad that you have been able to talk to medical professionals so that you understand you are not responsible for your mother''s condition. Your parents were together a very long time, and it sounds like the grieving process has made your father angry and irrational. I am not at all an expert, but it could be that your father was feeling guilty that he didn''t find her sooner or couldn''t do more for her (even if there was absolutely nothing that could be done), so it is easier for him if he can focus that blame on someone else. You were probably an easy target because you were there and had been questioning what happened. I know that it is easier said than done, but, for your own sake, you need to forgive him -- both for the way he is treating you now and for not contacting you sooner when your mother was taken to the hospital.

It sounds like your mother had a very fulfilling life. Although she was taken too soon, try to think of all your happy memories of her. Your husband sounds very caring -- lean on him. Of course, keep posting here too. I wish you peace.

 

[lizardofaz]

Lien,

So sorry to hear about your dear mum''s passing. I know the pain of losing one''s mother can be excruciating, and I pray that you find peace and comfort in this sad time. The following quote pretty much says it all:

“Never does one feel oneself so utterly helpless as in trying to speak comfort for great bereavement. I will not try it. Time is the only comforter for the loss of a mother.” - Jane Welsh Carlyle