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I am so sorry to hear this sad news as well, Lien. Travel safely and we''ll be thinking of you.
My mom has just passed away
- Thread starter Phoenix
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february2003bride
Ideal_Rock
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Lien- I''m so sorry
oshinbreez
Brilliant_Rock
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I''m so sorry for your loss Lien. My prayers are with you and your family.
AmberGretchen
Ideal_Rock
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Oh I am so so sorry to hear this - what a terrible tragedy for you. My thoughts and prayers will be with you at this difficult time and wishing you whatever consolation you can find.
NYCsparkle
Brilliant_Rock
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My prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.
i''m very sorry for your loss.
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Thank you soooo so very much, everyone, for your kind words, thoughts and condolences.
My Mum had been ill for about 5 1/2 yrs now, she'd been in and out of hospitals and she had all kinds of problems, namely high blood pressure, TB of the spine (which she'd recovered from), non-insulin dependent diabetes, cholesterol, arthritis, an enlarged heart, you name it. However, we never expected that she'd die a sudden death like she did. It was really unexpected (we, including my Dad and Mum herself, expected that Dad would go first, since he is 10 yrs older than she was). Apparently, Dad woke up early morning Sunday 8th July (around 5am) to some noise coming from Mum's bedroom, to find Mum hitting the side bar against the frame of her metal-framed bed (it's one of those hospital-type beds that has side bars/"arms" whatever you want to call them). He spoke to her but she couldn't respond. She was sweating profusely, so he rubbed some Chinese medicated oil on her. She appeared to calm down for abt 5 mins, then the sweating returned (all this time, she'd lost her speech and coulnd't utter one word). So naturally, my Dad knew it was an emergency and called 999 (the UK equivalent of 911). Apparently, when she got to the emergency room, they took a brain scan and knew that she'd suffered a stroke, which was followed by a heart-attack (according to the doctors). During the day on Sunday 8th, she appeared to have stabilised (but only after they'd given her some medication, which they didn't do for several hours, according to one of my sisters, and for hours and hours my poor Mum was in horrendously agonising pain and my sister screamed at everyone, all the nurses, and they all said they couldn't give any medication
since there was only one doctor on duty, given it was a Sunday, and he hadn't approved my medicine for my Mum. And all this time, my poor poor Mum couldn't breath and apparently her whole body went into violent convulsion in her effort to breath and apparently some blood came out when she did manage to exhale!). After the doctor did finally manage to give her some medication, she appeared to have calmed down and my familly thought there was some hope, the doctor even told my family, particularly my Dad (who'd been in the hospital all this time), to go home and rest, which they did.
However, on Monday morning (all of this was UK time), when my two sisters-in-law came back, although my Mum's condition appeared to have improved, the doctor said that my Mum's body was just so exhausted that she could no longer struggle, that her body was just too exhausted to fight, and that it was a matter of hours if not minutes before she passed away. So my sister-in-law called everyone. My Dad arrived just in time to see my Mum before she drew her last breath. However by the time everyone else arrived, my Mum had already passsed away.
Shortlly after my Mum had passed, my Dad called me and as soon as he said my name, I knew, I JUST KNEW, exactly what it was!
During all this time, no one thought to call me or my two brothers who also live abroad. I couldn't possibly blame my Dad, he was already very distressed, BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE, one of my sisters and brothers and in-laws (there are 6 siblings in the UK plus their spouses) or even my numerous nieces and nephews, could have called me
as soon as my Mum went into the hospital. For God's sake, if someone's has had a stroke and a heart attack,their chances of survival are next to nothing. SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!!
. I would have flown back, IMMEDIATELY, I would have gone straight to the airport and gone on standby, business classs, first class, whatever. AT LEAST I WOULD HAVE HAD THE CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY MUM!! I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE. According to my Dad, my Mum opened her eyes one last time and there was tears in her eyes, SHE KNEW SHE WAS GOING TO DIE, AND I WASN'T EVEN THERE TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY MUM!!
Now, I don't know exactly what the hospital did IMMEDIATELY after her arriving at the hospital or in the ambulance on the way over and don't know for sure if there was anything they could have done to save her (I tried to ask my Dad a few times but couldn't really get a straight answer, he's obviously very distressed, so I didn't push it), but I can't help but think that maybe my Mum had a heart attack first, followed by the stroke (despite what everyone else seems to think). According to my research on the internet, EVERY SECOND COUNTS, if my Mum had been given medication and /or cardiopulmonary resusciatation immediately after the symptoms appeared, then her chances of survival would have been MUCH MUCH greater. She may not even have had the stroke after all.
I know I sound very angry but I just can't help it. I feel so terrible!! I've been crying everyday since my Mum passed away. The worst thing is that my Dad has been crying too and I'd never ever seen him cry before. I just don't know when or even how I can get over this. I know I have to be strong and be there for my Dad who is still alive, but I just can't seem to stop grieving for my Mum. I don't think I ever will.
Apologies if this is TMI!
My Mum had been ill for about 5 1/2 yrs now, she'd been in and out of hospitals and she had all kinds of problems, namely high blood pressure, TB of the spine (which she'd recovered from), non-insulin dependent diabetes, cholesterol, arthritis, an enlarged heart, you name it. However, we never expected that she'd die a sudden death like she did. It was really unexpected (we, including my Dad and Mum herself, expected that Dad would go first, since he is 10 yrs older than she was). Apparently, Dad woke up early morning Sunday 8th July (around 5am) to some noise coming from Mum's bedroom, to find Mum hitting the side bar against the frame of her metal-framed bed (it's one of those hospital-type beds that has side bars/"arms" whatever you want to call them). He spoke to her but she couldn't respond. She was sweating profusely, so he rubbed some Chinese medicated oil on her. She appeared to calm down for abt 5 mins, then the sweating returned (all this time, she'd lost her speech and coulnd't utter one word). So naturally, my Dad knew it was an emergency and called 999 (the UK equivalent of 911). Apparently, when she got to the emergency room, they took a brain scan and knew that she'd suffered a stroke, which was followed by a heart-attack (according to the doctors). During the day on Sunday 8th, she appeared to have stabilised (but only after they'd given her some medication, which they didn't do for several hours, according to one of my sisters, and for hours and hours my poor Mum was in horrendously agonising pain and my sister screamed at everyone, all the nurses, and they all said they couldn't give any medication
However, on Monday morning (all of this was UK time), when my two sisters-in-law came back, although my Mum's condition appeared to have improved, the doctor said that my Mum's body was just so exhausted that she could no longer struggle, that her body was just too exhausted to fight, and that it was a matter of hours if not minutes before she passed away. So my sister-in-law called everyone. My Dad arrived just in time to see my Mum before she drew her last breath. However by the time everyone else arrived, my Mum had already passsed away.
Shortlly after my Mum had passed, my Dad called me and as soon as he said my name, I knew, I JUST KNEW, exactly what it was!
During all this time, no one thought to call me or my two brothers who also live abroad. I couldn't possibly blame my Dad, he was already very distressed, BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE, one of my sisters and brothers and in-laws (there are 6 siblings in the UK plus their spouses) or even my numerous nieces and nephews, could have called me
Now, I don't know exactly what the hospital did IMMEDIATELY after her arriving at the hospital or in the ambulance on the way over and don't know for sure if there was anything they could have done to save her (I tried to ask my Dad a few times but couldn't really get a straight answer, he's obviously very distressed, so I didn't push it), but I can't help but think that maybe my Mum had a heart attack first, followed by the stroke (despite what everyone else seems to think). According to my research on the internet, EVERY SECOND COUNTS, if my Mum had been given medication and /or cardiopulmonary resusciatation immediately after the symptoms appeared, then her chances of survival would have been MUCH MUCH greater. She may not even have had the stroke after all.
I know I sound very angry but I just can't help it. I feel so terrible!! I've been crying everyday since my Mum passed away. The worst thing is that my Dad has been crying too and I'd never ever seen him cry before. I just don't know when or even how I can get over this. I know I have to be strong and be there for my Dad who is still alive, but I just can't seem to stop grieving for my Mum. I don't think I ever will.
Apologies if this is TMI!
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2004
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- 38,364
Lien,
Feel free to vent as much as you can. It''s very helpful to get through the grieving process and considering all that has happened, I''d be pretty mad too. I''m so sorry that your mum had to suffer unnecessarily, and that her life could have been even further prolonged.
Feel free to vent as much as you can. It''s very helpful to get through the grieving process and considering all that has happened, I''d be pretty mad too. I''m so sorry that your mum had to suffer unnecessarily, and that her life could have been even further prolonged.
cellososweet
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2006
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- 876
I am so sorry for your loss. It must be very difficult to think "what if someone called me" etc. I applaud you for speaking out on your situation. No amount of talking will ever heal your pain, I imagine, but I am glad that you have us here to vent to. Vent away.
My grandmother died 11 years ago and she was my mother''s best friend. My Mum always says that the days get easier as they pass, but that the pain never goes away and she''s never really stopped grieving completely. I know you have to be there for you father, but please, allow yourself to grieve.
My thoughts are with you.
My grandmother died 11 years ago and she was my mother''s best friend. My Mum always says that the days get easier as they pass, but that the pain never goes away and she''s never really stopped grieving completely. I know you have to be there for you father, but please, allow yourself to grieve.
My thoughts are with you.
Ellen
Super_Ideal_Rock
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- Jan 13, 2006
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- 24,433
Oh Lien,
I'm so sorry, for everything. I'm sorry you weren't called, and I know you wonder how in the world someone couldn't think to call you. But there seems to be two types/groups of people in these kinds of situations. Those that are controlled by emotion, and can't seem to think past the moment and those that go into control mode so to speak. They think of all the things that need to be done, people who should be notified, etc.
It seems everyone here fell into group one. I know they didn't do it because they're thoughtless, they just weren't thinking. (I know it seems hard to believe!)
Please don't fret over what should have been done, or what might have been. It does you no good, I know from experience. Just remember your mother, and how much you love her, and the wonderful times you had together. Those are the things to hang onto, not the "other" stuff.
Hang in there, it does get better, with time.
{{{major hugs}}}
I'm so sorry, for everything. I'm sorry you weren't called, and I know you wonder how in the world someone couldn't think to call you. But there seems to be two types/groups of people in these kinds of situations. Those that are controlled by emotion, and can't seem to think past the moment and those that go into control mode so to speak. They think of all the things that need to be done, people who should be notified, etc.
It seems everyone here fell into group one. I know they didn't do it because they're thoughtless, they just weren't thinking. (I know it seems hard to believe!)
Please don't fret over what should have been done, or what might have been. It does you no good, I know from experience. Just remember your mother, and how much you love her, and the wonderful times you had together. Those are the things to hang onto, not the "other" stuff.
Hang in there, it does get better, with time.
{{{major hugs}}}
Skippy123
Super_Ideal_Rock
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- Nov 24, 2006
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Lien,
I am so sorry. Huge hug for you! I understand how you feel about wishing you could change this; we just went through this for my mother in law.
Mom''s are so important and our best friends. I wish I could say something that would make it better, but I know I can''t and just want you to know I am thinking of you. Big hug Lien.
I am so sorry. Huge hug for you! I understand how you feel about wishing you could change this; we just went through this for my mother in law.
Mom''s are so important and our best friends. I wish I could say something that would make it better, but I know I can''t and just want you to know I am thinking of you. Big hug Lien.
diamondfan
Super_Ideal_Rock
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- Jun 17, 2005
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Lien, you have every right to be upset. Knowing she was ill and thinking she could be gone so suddenly are two different things. Saying good bye would have been at least a chance for some closure...and though my dad was ill with cancer for years and the prognosis was terminal, it still hit me like a ton of bricks to lose him. So, vent all you want, and prayers to all of your family now.
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Thank you everyone, for your kind words and support.
Whilst knowing my Mum was ill was one thing, losing her was another altogether, esp. unexpectedly like that. I am still p..ed as hell. I''ve learnt from DH''s brother who is a doctor that it was true that my Mum may have had the heart attack first and then the stroke, but it could very well have been the other way round. But I am not sure what I can do now, do I sue the bl...dy British NHS system for failing to save her (if indeed they had) and if so, how do I go about proving this? Do I get angry at my siblings and others for not telling me in time, and if so, what purpose does it serve?
Another thing people keep telling me is that if my Mum had been saved, she for sure would have been severely disabled and was that the kind of life she would have wanted? I don''t know. People say that she''s better off, now that she''s no longer suffering, but do we really know if this is truely what she would have wanted. I see plenty of severely disabled people around and they don''t seem to want to end their life!
Anyway, I am seeking all kinds of help, ranging from going to church (I am not even baptised) to going to meditation. I am even considering acupunture (and this is from someone who is petrified of needles). Anything really to help me deal with this and finding some way to be strong. I know my Dad needs our help and am trying to be there for him.
Eventually, I''ll have to accept that my Mum is no longer with us and I really hope that she''s in a better place (if you can call being dead better than being alive - I know I know, I am still very much angry and bitter, just give me some time). She did a remarkable job raising us and she was a strong, extremely generous and giving person, as welll as beautiful - inside and out - and that is what I have to remember and cherish.
Anyway, thanks very much for all your incredible help and kind thoughtful words, as well as for letting me vent. You''ve been more help than you can imagine. I am truly grateful and I know my Mum is too.
Whilst knowing my Mum was ill was one thing, losing her was another altogether, esp. unexpectedly like that. I am still p..ed as hell. I''ve learnt from DH''s brother who is a doctor that it was true that my Mum may have had the heart attack first and then the stroke, but it could very well have been the other way round. But I am not sure what I can do now, do I sue the bl...dy British NHS system for failing to save her (if indeed they had) and if so, how do I go about proving this? Do I get angry at my siblings and others for not telling me in time, and if so, what purpose does it serve?
Another thing people keep telling me is that if my Mum had been saved, she for sure would have been severely disabled and was that the kind of life she would have wanted? I don''t know. People say that she''s better off, now that she''s no longer suffering, but do we really know if this is truely what she would have wanted. I see plenty of severely disabled people around and they don''t seem to want to end their life!
Anyway, I am seeking all kinds of help, ranging from going to church (I am not even baptised) to going to meditation. I am even considering acupunture (and this is from someone who is petrified of needles). Anything really to help me deal with this and finding some way to be strong. I know my Dad needs our help and am trying to be there for him.
Eventually, I''ll have to accept that my Mum is no longer with us and I really hope that she''s in a better place (if you can call being dead better than being alive - I know I know, I am still very much angry and bitter, just give me some time). She did a remarkable job raising us and she was a strong, extremely generous and giving person, as welll as beautiful - inside and out - and that is what I have to remember and cherish.
Anyway, thanks very much for all your incredible help and kind thoughtful words, as well as for letting me vent. You''ve been more help than you can imagine. I am truly grateful and I know my Mum is too.
luckystar112
Ideal_Rock
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- Jan 8, 2007
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- 3,962
Lien, I just found this thread, and I want to say that I am SO SO SO sorry for your loss!
I also think it is despicable that no one thought to call you and let you know what was going on. I am so sorry for that, and I think I would be just as angry as you. Hopefully, they were just panicky and disheveled, but I do think they owe you a big apology.
And I completely agree with you about the hospital. It''s so sad, but it happens ALL the time. It just happened here a few weeks ago. A woman was lying on the emergency room floor, dying, while her family begged someone to help her...but there was no doctor in sight. The family went so far as to call 911 ON the hospital, and the operator spoke to them like they were insane. (As they ALWAYS do whenever anyone calls for help. Anyone ever notice that before?
) Anyway, I think the conduct at that hospital was ridiculous. If you can''t take a sick person to a HOSPITAL than where can you take them! It was totally irresponsible. If I were you I would sue, not just because it might have saved your mother (no matter how much different her life would have been) but for the other people who aren''t getting the correct treatment.
I wish you well, and as others have said, your mom knew how much you loved her. Take care of yourself.
I also think it is despicable that no one thought to call you and let you know what was going on. I am so sorry for that, and I think I would be just as angry as you. Hopefully, they were just panicky and disheveled, but I do think they owe you a big apology.
And I completely agree with you about the hospital. It''s so sad, but it happens ALL the time. It just happened here a few weeks ago. A woman was lying on the emergency room floor, dying, while her family begged someone to help her...but there was no doctor in sight. The family went so far as to call 911 ON the hospital, and the operator spoke to them like they were insane. (As they ALWAYS do whenever anyone calls for help. Anyone ever notice that before?
I wish you well, and as others have said, your mom knew how much you loved her. Take care of yourself.
Ellen
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jan 13, 2006
- Messages
- 24,433
Of course you are still upset, and understandably so. As someone else said, even when you know you are going to lose a parent, you are never ready. It''s such an emotional shock, no matter what.
My thoughts are with you, I know how incredibly hard this must be....
{{{hugs}}}
My thoughts are with you, I know how incredibly hard this must be....
{{{hugs}}}
Skippy123
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2006
- Messages
- 24,300
Lien,
something very similar happened w/my mother in law and the hospital not taking proper care of her. It was awful because she was so healthy and also had a heart attack and stroke. I am so sorry it was so sudden and might have been stopped if she received the care she needed. Your anger and frustration is understandable; I hope your family apologizes. Also, during tramatic situations people are not always thinking clearly but they do owe you an apology. Big hug and lots of prayers to you and your family.
something very similar happened w/my mother in law and the hospital not taking proper care of her. It was awful because she was so healthy and also had a heart attack and stroke. I am so sorry it was so sudden and might have been stopped if she received the care she needed. Your anger and frustration is understandable; I hope your family apologizes. Also, during tramatic situations people are not always thinking clearly but they do owe you an apology. Big hug and lots of prayers to you and your family.
Cehrabehra
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2006
- Messages
- 11,071
Lien, you''re right... you''ll never get over it. Life never goes back to what it was. Eventually you find a new balance, but it takes time. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. The worst thing is to allow others to tell you how you should feel. My mom died almost 8 years ago and I still think sometimes I need to call her or I have to tell her something and it hits hard that I cannot. But eventually we find a way to accept. In this journey you now face I wish you a lot of strength and peace and love. Those three things will be the most powerful forces to bring you healing. I have no other words other than I am sorry for your loss. Also, ignore the people who say inappropriate things... they don''t know how to help and everyone is different in what they need to hear anyway. Don''t allow it to make you feel worse. use strength.... accept love.... find peace....
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