My MIL is mad at me...what should I do???

[atroop711]

sorry your MIL is loca! I have one of those too...she''s Bellvue crazy

...

Seriously I know ppl have said to talk to her BUT if she''s anything like most of the passive aggressive MIL''s I know..the talk with do NOTHING..nada...that zebra isn''t changing her stripes for NO ONE

Stick by your guns...don''t give into her games. She needs to respect you if she wants the same in return. I''m my MIL fav...but I also don''t give into her demands. I tell her like it is..we either can or can''t. Thank god my husband learned early on the games his mother was trying to play with the sneaky calls.

If you think a talk will make her feel better and settle some issues try it! You know her best.

STICK TO YOUR GUNS GIRL!

 

[rainwood]

Date: 7/22/2009 8:15:32 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 7/22/2009 8:02:18 PM

Rainwood, I absolutely agree that they need to be united in their decisions about what they do with his parents, meaning if she''s said we can''t make it then that stands, but the answer shouldn''t always be ''no.'' It''s his family and they should spend time together, if he wants to, and it sounds like he does; if she''s not interested in participating she can stay home, but he should be able to visit them when he pleases. I don''t think he''s just being pushed over by his mom, he wants to have a relationship with them, he wants to visit, otherwise he would say no. He''s in a really tough spot, I have a lot of sympathy for him (and that doesn''t mean your feelings aren''t valid, Italia, as I said we don''t all like everyone, but it doesn''t change that Mark is in a tough spot).

Kimberly - Absolutely agreed. The answer shouldn''t always be no, but when they''ve agreed it''s no, he shouldn''t end up turning it into a yes or making it sound like Italia is the one who vetoed it. That''s just ensuring there will always be bad blood between Italia and her MIL, which is an even worse position for him to be in.

And, Italia, you might want to think about what MIL''s reaction will be when she finds out the specifics of the Vegas surprise. It''s going to be quite the event and she may think "She did all that but wasn''t willing to come to Pittsburgh for a few days??????" when she hears about the trip. Be ready for that.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/22/2009 8:37:01 PM
Author: rainwood

Date: 7/22/2009 8:15:32 PM
Author: KimberlyH



Kimberly - Absolutely agreed. The answer shouldn''t always be no, but when they''ve agreed it''s no, he shouldn''t end up turning it into a yes or making it sound like Italia is the one who vetoed it. That''s just ensuring there will always be bad blood between Italia and her MIL, which is an even worse position for him to be in.

I do agree, if the answer is no, it''s no, but Italia and her husband need to discuss and decide together the first time MIL asks, and then if it''s brought up again the answer remains the same. And perhaps, if it''s a "No" an alternative plan could be offered instead, so she doesn''t feel like she''s being told "No", just that another time would be more convenient.

 

[Circe]

Hm ... speaking as the product of a *really* close parent-child relationship, I can sort of see where your MIL is coming from. My parents would be insanely hurt if my husband gave me a trip to a distant location as a b-day present and then vetoed the possibility of a quick trip home to spend time with them. It would strike them as being a case of priorities being severely out of whack.

Of course, my parents would never dream of saying anything like that to my husband. On the other hand, *I* would probably get an earful. So, all things considered, it''s a good thing my husband knew me for years before we got together and got a sense of how things stood in La Casa de Circe.

From reading all of your posts, I get the feeling that you spend a lot of time communicating with your MIL, despite the antipathy, and I ... kind of do not get it. Your husband should be more involved in this relationship - *he* should be the one mediating between the two of you, not you between the two of them. It places a tremendously unfair burden on you this way: it *does* always make you into the bad guy. Your husband needs to start sticking to his guns more ... once you and he decide something, he needs to be able to, a) remember that, and b) stand by it.

Your MIL doesn''t sound evil (just maybe a bit old-school passive aggressive). Ignore the gift thing, and pass on confronting her over the "over your head" communique ... but do talk to your husband, and do take some time to clear the air with her in the future, when there''s nothing like this looming over you. Life is just too short ....

 

[zhuzhu]

Family relationships are often complicated. I really don''t know if there is a right answer to solve all "bad feelings". I just hope everyone respects one another at the end of the day.

My inlaws criticize the other son''s marriage in front of us, which made me very uncomfortable. I don''t mind gossips at all, but to talk badly about your other daughter in law to us? That is just bad form to me. Maybe that''s why I prefer to stay my distance....

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/22/2009 8:43:59 PM
Author: zhuzhu
Family relationships are often complicated. I really don''t know if there is a right answer to solve all ''bad feelings''. I just hope everyone respects one another at the end of the day.

My inlaws criticize the other son''s marriage in front of us, which made me very uncomfortable. I don''t mind gossips at all, but to talk badly about your other daughter in law to us? That is just bad form to me. Maybe that''s why I prefer to stay my distance....

Zhu, what your in-laws did was in bad form, and not wanting to be extremely close to them is reasonable, but being friendly and willing to spend time with them, because they are your husbands'' family, is also a reasonable expectation.

Family relationships are complicated, I don''t know any family that doesn''t have its own set of issues to contend with, and as an outsider (the in-law) it''s often easier to see those things, but it doesn''t mean that it''s not worth the effort (I''m speaking generally, not specifically about you or anyone else in this thread) unless the people involved are truly evil or intend to do harm. Most of the time I think in-law issues are the result of misunderstandings and misconceptions. The idea that one way of doing things (and every family has a set of norms) is right, because it''s what everyone is said family is used to, and another, the in-laws way, is wrong seems to be a major cause of infighting, and I think if people could step away from right and wrong and view things objectively, as simply being different, it might go a long way to solve problems.

 

[packrat]

Maybe later in the fall you guys (or just Mark) could take a couple days off and fly out there? I can''t remember when Mark''s bash is. Does she understand that "No" meant No, not right now, and not No, we''re never coming to visit? Sometimes it happens that times that are convenient for one side are not for the other, no biggee, find a different time.

Do they work or are they retired? I, myself, would be leaning towards, if someone is retired and has the money to travel, while my husband and I were working a lot of hours, it makes more sense for the ones not putting in the work hours to make the trip, or to at least be a little more understanding that not everybody gets weekends off and can take extra days whenever they want.

I don''t get along w/my MIL either..tho I''m a bit more tolerant since we just this week put her in a nursing home and she''s had a rough go as of late. (which was entirely brought upon herself by herself) She''s very antisocial, to the point of paranoia, and I tried to make a relationship with her-asked her to go shopping, get nails done etc, but she wouldn''t. Once he and I got married, I think it was too much for her to not be the #1 woman in his life-he''s pretty much all she had, after pushing everyone in her family away. Before I got pg with our first, it caused some hardship in the marriage, b/c he couldn''t (wouldn''t) see the things that upset me. (15 phone calls in a day? Seriously-is it called for? No) However, once our daughter came, and the snide comments started, and his wife was bawling and in hysterics all the time b/c she absolutely would NOT do anything I asked in the care of my child (and even called the Dr''s office b/c she felt I wasn''t doing things right-not smart cuz duh, I work there!) He had talked to her about these things several times, and it never stopped, so one night we had her watch our daughter when we went to the gym, and he made a point of telling her what we expected-and she lifted her head, raised her eyebrows and just stared at him like a petulant child and said "Well, we''ll see". That was the end of it. He''d even explained to her that HER MIL did the SAME crap to her, so why was she doing it to me?? She used to call him crying, "I know Missi doesn''t like me" and he''s like, "Well good lord what do you expect?" I felt bad for him to be in that position, and she did spend a lot of time putting him in the middle so he had to choose between his mom or his wife. She''s very much a "give her an inch she''ll take a mile" type, and I felt it needed to be nipped, and it was. She made the decisions, nothing was forced on her. We continued to invite her for meals and to see the kids-and she refused.

Oh for heaven''s sakes, I just went off on a tangent. Sorry Italia! I''m just trying to say that I know where you''re coming from. What''re Mark''s thoughts on all of this??

 

[nycbkgirl]

Date: 7/22/2009 8:30:50 PM
Author: atroop711
sorry your MIL is loca! I have one of those too...she''s Bellvue crazy

...

Seriously I know ppl have said to talk to her BUT if she''s anything like most of the passive aggressive MIL''s I know..the talk with do NOTHING..nada...that zebra isn''t changing her stripes for NO ONE

Stick by your guns...don''t give into her games. She needs to respect you if she wants the same in return. I''m my MIL fav...but I also don''t give into her demands. I tell her like it is..we either can or can''t. Thank god my husband learned early on the games his mother was trying to play with the sneaky calls.

If you think a talk will make her feel better and settle some issues try it! You know her best.

STICK TO YOUR GUNS GIRL!

would anyone not from nyc know what that means??

 

[atroop711]

Date: 7/22/2009 10:10:59 PM
Author: nycbkgirl

Date: 7/22/2009 8:30:50 PM

Author: atroop711

sorry your MIL is loca! I have one of those too...she''s Bellvue crazy

...


Seriously I know ppl have said to talk to her BUT if she''s anything like most of the passive aggressive MIL''s I know..the talk with do NOTHING..nada...that zebra isn''t changing her stripes for NO ONE

Stick by your guns...don''t give into her games. She needs to respect you if she wants the same in return. I''m my MIL fav...but I also don''t give into her demands. I tell her like it is..we either can or can''t. Thank god my husband learned early on the games his mother was trying to play with the sneaky calls.


If you think a talk will make her feel better and settle some issues try it! You know her best.


STICK TO YOUR GUNS GIRL!

would anyone not from nyc know what that means??

LOL Isn''t Bellvue famous?

 

[nycbkgirl]

Date: 7/23/2009 7:17:22 AM
Author: atroop711

Date: 7/22/2009 10:10:59 PM
Author: nycbkgirl

Date: 7/22/2009 8:30:50 PM

Author: atroop711

sorry your MIL is loca! I have one of those too...she''s Bellvue crazy

...


Seriously I know ppl have said to talk to her BUT if she''s anything like most of the passive aggressive MIL''s I know..the talk with do NOTHING..nada...that zebra isn''t changing her stripes for NO ONE

Stick by your guns...don''t give into her games. She needs to respect you if she wants the same in return. I''m my MIL fav...but I also don''t give into her demands. I tell her like it is..we either can or can''t. Thank god my husband learned early on the games his mother was trying to play with the sneaky calls.


If you think a talk will make her feel better and settle some issues try it! You know her best.


STICK TO YOUR GUNS GIRL!

would anyone not from nyc know what that means??

LOL Isn''t Bellvue famous?

u crack me up !

 

[movie zombie]

need to have a talk with hubby and let him know this is the kind of thing that can sink a marriage. get a copy of this: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0553381407/ref=ord_cart_shr?_encoding=UTF8&m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&v=glance and read it. then get the sister copy re toxic in-laws for you.

mz

 

[QueenB29]

Date: 7/22/2009 8:51:58 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 7/22/2009 8:43:59 PM
Author: zhuzhu
Family relationships are often complicated. I really don''t know if there is a right answer to solve all ''bad feelings''. I just hope everyone respects one another at the end of the day.

My inlaws criticize the other son''s marriage in front of us, which made me very uncomfortable. I don''t mind gossips at all, but to talk badly about your other daughter in law to us? That is just bad form to me. Maybe that''s why I prefer to stay my distance....

Zhu, what your in-laws did was in bad form, and not wanting to be extremely close to them is reasonable, but being friendly and willing to spend time with them, because they are your husbands'' family, is also a reasonable expectation.

Family relationships are complicated, I don''t know any family that doesn''t have its own set of issues to contend with, and as an outsider (the in-law) it''s often easier to see those things, but it doesn''t mean that it''s not worth the effort (I''m speaking generally, not specifically about you or anyone else in this thread) unless the people involved are truly evil or intend to do harm. Most of the time I think in-law issues are the result of misunderstandings and misconceptions. The idea that one way of doing things (and every family has a set of norms) is right, because it''s what everyone is said family is used to, and another, the in-laws way, is wrong seems to be a major cause of infighting, and I think if people could step away from right and wrong and view things objectively, as simply being different, it might go a long way to solve problems.

My MIL complains about her own daughter to me, as well as the rest of her friends and relatives. I don''t especially care for my SIL, but I wouldn''t dare criticize her back to my MIL. I never know what to say, so I usually just smile and nod. The worst part is knowing that she talks about me the same way when I''m not around.

I think you''ve gotten a lot of good advice here, but I totally understand where you''re coming from. Once the relationship gets off to a bad start, and you try and you try and you try, and you''re rejected and met with passive agressiveness and snide remarks constantly, it''s kind of hard to let it go. I would NEVER try to keep my DH from his parents, but I don''t think there''s any reason I have to act like she''s my mother. I let my DH be the one to talk to them and make plans (with my consent), but I''m the one who sends cards and presents on holidays and birthdays. They''re welcome in my home, and we visit them, and I''m polite and nice. But I will NOT bend over backwards for her or go out of my way to make her like me. She never will. I just try not to get upset when she does things. I don''t have the energy any more.

And I think the people who mentioned that you have time to take a vacation and not see your inlaws, and how that could be interpreted as selfishness have a point, but I think it''s a moot point as you''ve probably had the plans set and tickets paid for for quite awhile now and can''t change them. And I''m not sure why it matters if she shares her son''s birthday at her house or at your house. You still offered. I think it''s a power play, and I still think you should stand your ground, but your husband needs to be the one to tell her no and be the one primarily in contact with her. She might feel like she doesn''t get to talk to her son enough.

 

[butterfly 17]

Date: 7/22/2009 2:14:47 PM
Author:Italiahaircolor


A couple weeks go by and figure that she just opted to ignore my e-mail...that they aren't coming...blah blah blah. No big deal. Eventually MIL calls Mark and gets to talking about his birthday...she mentions that she would love to fly us out to Pitts for an extra long weekend. Now, I'm pissed. See..if we wanted to fly, we could...if we wanted to drive, we could. Our inability to do either is based on our schedules at work, not transportation. And I'm doublely pissed that she decided to divide us. She knows Mark is weak...that he's a peace maker...that he'll give in easily. Me? Not so much. So in order to get her way, she went 'over me' to him. Me =

. Instead of directing the offer to me via a return e-mail, she had him on the phone and sprung it on him--and ergo he's making airplane signals with his hands trying to get me to confirm or reject the offer. It's just pure frusteration.

HI,

I totally get that you dislike your MIL and I myself have a hate hate relationship with mine, but I don't get that you think she went over you to get to your husband.

Put yourself in her perspective. Does your mother call your husband when she wants to see you or talk to you? Or does your mother call you directly? And if she does call you directly, does Mark get upset and wonder why she went "over him" to get to you?

She is his mother and there's nothing you can do to change that. No matter how much you try to avoid her, she can and will call him and want to see him, whenever she feels like and she doesn't need your permission to do it.

And if you feel she does, then you are treating your husband just like he is a child and can't make his own decisions. Maybe you can't take the time off from work, but maybe he can? Maybe he would love to see his mom, but won't tell you bc he is afraid of what you will say? I know I would be! It's seems to me you want exactly what you want and you don't care what anyone else wants.

And I am not saying that to be mean, as I am in a similar situation. Frankly, I hate my MIL. She doesn't even acknowledge me or the kids, not even a hello. Never came to visit me when I had my daughter and has yet to come to my house. Nevers sends us or our kids gifts and the two times I asked her to babysit, she said she was too busy.

But, she calls my husband all the time and he goes and visits whenever he can. I never go with him. My husband is not a child and even though he knows how much I despise the woman, it's his mother and he loves her...

So, I just let it go. There's nothing I can do. If she wants to see him or my husband stops by, he usually doesn't even bother to tell me until after the fact. And I am okay with that now. It took a few years though.

I think after a couple of years of marriage, things like this won't bother you too much.

I mean, look at it from a stranger's perspective-

"My mother in law offered to fly us to wherever she is for a few days for my DH's birthday and I said no, we can't. We are working, don't have time, etc.
Can you believe she had the nerve to call him, her own son, and ask him directly instead? How dare she, I am now going to jump off a ledge!!!"

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I mean, look at it from a stranger''s perspective-

''My mother in law offered to fly us to wherever she is for a few days for my DH''s birthday and I said no, we can''t. We are working, don''t have time, etc.
Can you believe she had the nerve to call him, her own son, and ask him directly instead? How dare she, I am now going to jump off a ledge!!!''

I''m confused here. Maybe this is because Butterfly''s post is the only one out of the entire thread that I''ve read.

What is wrong with the MIL calling her own son? My MIL ALWAYS calls my husband before she calls me unless we''re talking about personal stuff.

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 7/23/2009 1:56:32 PM
Author: MC

I mean, look at it from a stranger's perspective-


'My mother in law offered to fly us to wherever she is for a few days for my DH's birthday and I said no, we can't. We are working, don't have time, etc.

Can you believe she had the nerve to call him, her own son, and ask him directly instead? How dare she, I am now going to jump off a ledge!!!'

I'm confused here. Maybe this is because Butterfly's post is the only one out of the entire thread that I've read.

What is wrong with the MIL calling her own son? My MIL ALWAYS calls my husband before she calls me unless we're talking about personal stuff.

total ditto and ha, I actually prefer my MIL to call my husband and I love my MIL.

 

[nycbkgirl]

My MIL rarely calls her son bc hers the convo...MIL..hows this hows that yadayadayada etc...DH : mmhmm ok aaha mmhmm

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 7/23/2009 2:41:07 PM
Author: mrssalvo

Date: 7/23/2009 1:56:32 PM
Author: MC

I mean, look at it from a stranger''s perspective-


''My mother in law offered to fly us to wherever she is for a few days for my DH''s birthday and I said no, we can''t. We are working, don''t have time, etc.

Can you believe she had the nerve to call him, her own son, and ask him directly instead? How dare she, I am now going to jump off a ledge!!!''

I''m confused here. Maybe this is because Butterfly''s post is the only one out of the entire thread that I''ve read.

What is wrong with the MIL calling her own son? My MIL ALWAYS calls my husband before she calls me unless we''re talking about personal stuff.

total ditto and ha, I actually prefer my MIL to call my husband and I love my MIL.

Thritto. Look your MIL has every right to call her son..... JUst as your Mom has every right to call you?? So get used to it... It''s not going to change, and I think you need to cut her some slack....

 

[Mrs.Guz]

My former MIL and I did not speak to each other for the last 5 years of my 17 year marriage but I never tried to keep my former husband away from her.

We lived in the same town. He would talk to her on the phone and go over for a few hours during each and every holiday. I never tried to keep him away for her. That would be unfair - after all she is his mother.

 

[tlh]

Date: 7/23/2009 2:41:07 PM
Author: mrssalvo


total ditto and ha, I actually prefer my MIL to call my husband and I love my MIL.

I agree. I think there is some past drama, which unfortunately makes this a little different to address. I understand your need for a united front, but I do see things from the MIL''s point of view. Maybe because I just hear my mom''s side. She thinks DIL doesn''t like her... so I hear about and witness how hard she tries to win her over.

Maybe she thinks because you are spending so much in vegas, she thinks you couldnt afford to come out.. so she wanted to offer plane tickets to make things easier? And maybe she just wants some time with her son...

The part that really irks me... is that she tells about all the time she''s spending with the other children, when she can;t come out to visit you both... when both options require travel... by making your DH feel like the bad guy.

That is never a very good situation to be in. No I don''t think YOU need to be the one to have the heart to heart with her... making you again... th ebad guy. I think you need to ahve a conversation with your hubs and tell him how he is playing a part in making you the villian, and you don''t like it. That you would like a better relationship with his mother, and you''d really appreciate his support...

((HUGS))

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thanks everyone!

I''ve cooled a bit, and I think I can address some of the things...

My MIL never calls me. Never. I don''t think I''ve ever spoken with her on the phone. However, I think when I send an e-mail regarding travel plans--making a point of telling her that we''ve exhusted our vacation time for the summer in order to save vacation time for the winter--it''s pretty rude to ignore my e-mail and go to Mark asking him if we can travel. She could have easily extended the offer to me, via e-mail. It makes me feel like she''s totally discounting my role in the relationship as a decision maker...like a child who goes between his/her parents to get what he/she wants..."mom said no, but dad will say yes". Mark and I are a united front...no means no, yes means yes...we do what we can, but not at the expense of our jobs. And, on a side note, I often encourage Mark to call his parents...I want them to be close and I wouldn''t stand in the way of that. My approach isn''t "either or" it''s "balance". As a matter of fact, in May Mark did go see his parents without me for a "boys weekend"...I didn''t stop him or guilt him...I told him to have fun and kissed him good bye. I''m not the bad guy here.

I absolutely do not keep Mark from his mom. In 2008, we traveled no less than 5 times to see them...they never came here once. We chased them all over the freakin country to spend time with them...Buffalo NY twice, Charlotte once, Pittsburgh twice. She turned down my offer to host Christmas, turned down an offer to come for New Years. She does things on her terms, which is okay, but we can''t always jump when she says "how high". I know that people who are "childless" are often considered to have an easier time "getting away"...but for us, that''s not the case. We get an alotted amount of vacation time that needs to spread out throughout the year...if she wants to see us over the holidays, then we need to save some time for that. We have three dogs that need to be cared for when we go without them...my mom is graciously watching them while we go to Vegas, but it''s not fair to ask her to watch them again a week later, and because one of our dogs is special needs I get nervous leaving them with a "care taker".

My relationship with MIL is luke warm. We have a history that is checkered. Things have been said and done that have hurt me...and maybe made me less willing to bend. I do what I can, when I can...but still waters run deep. I don''t "hate" her...I wish I could "love" her...but my IL''s have made it hard for me from the very beginning. They''ve insulted me and my parents (particuarly my father, making snide comments about his religion) on multiple occasions. These things, I hate to say it, absolutely influence my decisions.

Vegas...well, that''s a seperate issue. That''s for us. We deserve it, Mark deserves it...and we''re entitled to vacation. If she doesn''t like it, then I''m sorry...but we''re a family too. I don''t judge her for taking a trip to Flordia instead of coming to see us. I don''t begrudge her a camping trip instead of holding off and saving time for Mark''s 30th. And I feel sad that that isn''t a two way street.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Italia You seem to be going back and forth with your MIL, always being hurt/pissed/annoyed by what she does, but not learning anything from the experience.

I understand your situation, and I understand the way you feel towards your MIL (I have similar feelings towards mine). One thing stands out for me in your posts, and that your admission that MIL will never change, and it''s her way or the highway. But whenever there is a conflict, you want to make her compromise, and it''s not going to happen.

You have no control over what she does, period. You can, however, make your life less complicated by ignoring her antics. It seems that you and Mark came to a decision, he stuck with it, and told her as much. That''s all that you can ask for. Don''t put yourself in the middle of their relationship. She only calls him, FANTASTIC! This makes your life easier because you don''t have to listen to her talk. Trying to get Mark and his mother closer together, and telling him to call her -- well, I''m not really sure what you''re trying to do there, as their relationship (at least from MIL''s POV) doesn''t concern you.

No matter how much sucking up you do, she will not all of a sudden become warm towards you. Perhaps she likes the fact that she can get to you. The sooner you accept that, the better. She is not your mother, and doesn''t deserve any more from you than any other adult woman you interact with.

 

[whitby_2773]

italia, i think i''m a bit like you, in that when i married i really wanted my in-laws to like me. my mother was deceased, my father had married again and was *very* taken up with his new wife, and tim''s family was fascinating and successful and smart and everything anyone would want to be. so i tried to fit in. a lot. often. for a long time.

and i put up with a great deal. like - my MIL telling me she didn''t want to be called ''mom'' - and this was back in the day when it was still the norm to call your in-laws mom and dad. we''d get together for family holidays, and they''d take photos - but they''d ask me to stand out, so it was just them. tim and i were married, but there are very few photos including me at family do''s in the first few years of our marriage. this only changed when tim''s younger brother married and they did it to his wife also, who was a lot more proactive than me. he and tim ultimately approached their parents and said "a family photo involves our wives - period!" they would always email tim at his work account, despite being REPEATEDLY asked not to do so and to email us at our combined, family account. apart from which, tim''s company policy is to not use work email accounts to receive such things as photos etc, which his family would OFTEN send. his father would call, i''d answer, and he''d say "can i speak to tim pls?" no ''hallo kareyn'', no ''hi, how are you?''

in the end, i reached a watershed moment. i decided that they were tim''s family, and HE had to maintain the relationships with them. and at that point, the sending of cards, the buying of gifts for them, the making of phone calls - all of it - became his role, not mine.

and he hardly ever does it, of course, but that''s no skin off my nose. i sent him home to australia last year for his birthday for a week, and he had a week with family on the family property, but i didn''t go with him. my best girlfriend came out instead, and we hung out and had a great time. when we''re home this time, tim will spend the morning before our 25th anniversary lunch party together with his family - but i''ll be busy getting things ready and won''t go. and even if i wasn''t going to be busy, i still wouldn''t go.

i wanted them to accept me as family - but they didn''t. we don''t have the super close relationship i had hoped for, but we don''t hate each other either. we don''t force what''s not there, and we are completely friendly and civil. they have ZERO power over me, they know it, but nor do i try to keep their son from them. it''s a live and let live scenario, with me having accepted that it wasn''t what i initially wanted. but you know what? it works just fine for what it is. tim doesn''t really *want* to spend a lot of time with them - especially if i don''t go - so he spends as much time with them as he wants, no more and no less, and i support him in seeing them whenever he wishes to. as soon as i started caring less, the sting went out of it. i don''t like them as much as i initially did, but i like them well enough, and it''ll do. there''s no family feud here.

so my suggestion would be to step back. realize what it is, and live within those parameters. disconnect a little, but stop knocking yourself out for something you''ll never get; you can find approval and acceptance more easily and more freely given than this - and with a much lower price tag!

good luck, italia - i hope this resolves for you and that you come out of it wiser, with a slightly thicker skin, and with your self esteem both in tact and strengthened!

and now - one last thing - ''FRUSTRATED'', girl, not ''frusterated''! (you''re killing me! - where''s that screaming emotie when i need it?!)

take care

 

[monarch64]

My mother and her MIL have had a power struggle going on for 40 years. It''s awful. It affects everyone in our family, and we''ve all lost a little respect for both of them because they cannot seem to put aside their differences, or even if there is a "truce" it is always a very uneasy, tense period of time in which we all wonder when the next blowup will occur. I don''t mean to say that they have physical fights or screaming matches, just a lot of crying and hurt feelings, and putting my dad in the middle, etc. I never really got a chance to know my grandmother on my own because my mother, at every available opportunity, would tell me what an awful person she was. Hence, we have not had as close of a relationship as some grandmothers and granddaughters do.

If you and Mark adopt, you and your MIL should both realize that your relationship will affect your children, too. I don''t think either one of you is right or wrong, but you need to come to an understanding with each other.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 7/25/2009 12:49:55 AM
Author: monarch64
My mother and her MIL have had a power struggle going on for 40 years. It''s awful. It affects everyone in our family, and we''ve all lost a little respect for both of them because they cannot seem to put aside their differences, or even if there is a ''truce'' it is always a very uneasy, tense period of time in which we all wonder when the next blowup will occur. I don''t mean to say that they have physical fights or screaming matches, just a lot of crying and hurt feelings, and putting my dad in the middle, etc. I never really got a chance to know my grandmother on my own because my mother, at every available opportunity, would tell me what an awful person she was. Hence, we have not had as close of a relationship as some grandmothers and granddaughters do.

If you and Mark adopt, you and your MIL should both realize that your relationship will affect your children, too. I don''t think either one of you is right or wrong, but you need to come to an understanding with each other.

+1

 

[decodelighted]

Have you ever considered that you are very much like your MIL? That if your MIL wasn''t the way *she* is that your husband wouldn''t have been attracted to *you*?

Just a theory, since men seem to marry their mothers. And since DIL''s & MIL''s clash so regularly. And that people seem to most despise in other people the traits they despise in themselves.

I see a lot of passive aggression & manipulation & stubbornness on BOTH sides of this equation (and, seemingly in every other incident of this kind you''ve reported). Didn''t go back & research it but that''s my summarized memory of things. The takeaway if you will.

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to look at your similarities? She''s not going anywhere. And I''d hate to see you end up like my Mom & my Grandmother ... where she''s still besmirching my grandmother''s name to her adult kids 10 years after her MIL''s passing. Who do you think *that* reflect badly on?

 

[Sharon101]

Date: 7/22/2009 2:14:47 PM
Author:Italiahaircolor
So, she''s mad at me...again.

Here is the situation...

My inlaw''s came to visit us in May for Mothers Day weekend. At that time, my MIL wanted to make plans for us to come out and visit at some point over the summer. I was kind but firm when I told her that due to our trip to Las Vegas, we had very little vacation time to spare just based on the length of our time away from work. I also told her that we wanted to save some time off for the holiday''s...my aunt will be coming in for Thanksgiving, and of course we''re expected to travel to Pittsburgh around Christmas. At the time of this conversation, I knew she was mad--she cried a little. She expressed how much spending Mark''s birthday with him meant to her...and so on. I told her she is of course welcome to spend his 30th with him (we''ll be traveling right before his actual birthday--returning 10 days before)...and I encouraged her to come back to Chicago to visit over his 30th. Nothing more was really said.

So...

As I''m finalizing our summer, I e-mail my MIL and again invite her out for his birthday. I tell her that I''m hosting a small BBQ, but nonetheless, would love for them to join us. I tell her flat out that we cannot travel due to work. I hear nothing in return.

A couple weeks go by and figure that she just opted to ignore my e-mail...that they aren''t coming...blah blah blah. No big deal. Eventually MIL calls Mark and gets to talking about his birthday...she mentions that she would love to fly us out to Pitts for an extra long weekend. Now, I''m pissed. See..if we wanted to fly, we could...if we wanted to drive, we could. Our inability to do either is based on our schedules at work, not transportation. And I''m doublely pissed that she decided to divide us. She knows Mark is weak...that he''s a peace maker...that he''ll give in easily. Me? Not so much. So in order to get her way, she went ''over me'' to him. Me =

. Instead of directing the offer to me via a return e-mail, she had him on the phone and sprung it on him--and ergo he''s making airplane signals with his hands trying to get me to confirm or reject the offer. It''s just pure frusteration. So, I stuck to my guns...I calmly picked up a post-it note and wrote a quote for him to read...I spelled it out (again) that we cannot go on another vacation--regardless if it''s just a day or two--this summer, that they are welcome to come to us, but that''s it, my final offer. Mark said him Mom told him to ''really think it over'' and then let it drop...just another example of me not being taken seriously.

I really thought the issue was dead until yesterday, our 2nd wedding anniversary.

Now, normally wedding anniversaries in Mark''s family are semi-big deals. I know for a fact that my MIL buys'' SIL/BIL ''traditional gifts'' and sends a card--she always has. Last year we recieved a card and a paper-related gift. This year...nothing. Not a card, not a gift, nothing. She called--when we were both at work--and left a message on our machine. That''s it.

Now, I''m not the type to demand gifts, or think I''m owed anything...but I''m absolutely all for equal and balanced. My MIL dislikes me and totally takes it out on Mark and it drives me nuts. Don''t expose Mark to all the kindness you extend to BIL & SIL and then do nothing him and his wife. It''s just rude. And I think what hurt me the most was knowing he was disappointed. I honestly couldn''t care less about stupid cotton themed gifts and Halmark cards...but I do care about how the lack of those things effects my husband.

Mark ended up returning his parents call...and MIL spent the entire phone conversation telling him about how for the past 4 weekends they have been visiting BIL & SIL. WTF????

. Seriously? My MIL refuses to come see us because she doesn''t want to travel--yet goes 4 weekends in a row to Buffalo NY?

I just can''t take it anymore...please, talk me off the ledge...I''m about to go 10 shade of f''ing crazy on her.

Maybe your sil is nicer to her and she feels more welcome in her company.

You seem to be more black and white with your interactions with her. I would soften up and meet her half way where possible. From her point of view you probably seem to spend $ where it suits you but where she is conserned you have to worry about your `work`. Thats the way I think she might see it. ie you will do what ever suits you, but have no consideration of her in the picture.

Probably her other dil has befriended her and maybe even `needs` her more.

It seems that she is quite happy to leave you be as long as she can see her son. If you try to make this a tug of war, everyone misses out. Ergo, you might want to try making the peace as there is no use buying your dh amazing presents and celebrating with fabulous parties if you are fighting with his Mum. It really impacts everyone in the long run.

 

[lovegem]

My husband always says that our parents are old enough to stay at home wait for us to do the visit, not them do the traveling. I am in a good relationship with MIL. We always do the visiting instead of them coming to see us.

When SIL and MIL have arguments, my husband also likes to say that his parents'' precious little time should be used to enjoy life not wasted on getting all upset about bad relationships with the in-laws, daughter, and sons.

Italia, I hope you and your MIL would soon come to some understanding of each other.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/25/2009 1:13:30 AM
Author: decodelighted
Have you ever considered that you are very much like your MIL? That if your MIL wasn''t the way *she* is that your husband wouldn''t have been attracted to *you*?

Just a theory, since men seem to marry their mothers. And since DIL''s & MIL''s clash so regularly. And that people seem to most despise in other people the traits they despise in themselves.

I see a lot of passive aggression & manipulation & stubbornness on BOTH sides of this equation (and, seemingly in every other incident of this kind you''ve reported). Didn''t go back & research it but that''s my summarized memory of things. The takeaway if you will.

Perhaps it would be helpful to try to look at your similarities? She''s not going anywhere.

+1.

Italia, it''s clear this woman has hurt you, my guess is you have probably hurt her too. It''s what happens when people don''t try to understand one another. You are quick to anger with her, at least that is how it appears, and whether you think so or not I''m sure your feelings about her are not well masked, which makes it easy for her not to want to reach out to you. Sometimes who did what to whom is much less important than repairing relationships for peace.

As I mentioned before, she probably visits your BIL and SIL because she feels welcome and comfortable with them. And it''s much easier for you to come to them for her, because you are in their space, not the other way around. In general, I think it''s much more common for adult children to visit their parents than the other way around.

While Vegas may be a seperate issue in your mind, it probably isn''t for her. Whether you deserve it or not, she probably sees it as a slap in the face that you are throwing this elaborate party for his birthday, she and her husband aren''t invited, and he can''t find the time to visit her shortly thereafter to celebrate with them.

For your sake, for Mark''s sake, and for the sake of potential future children I hope you are able to find some common ground with her.

 

[House Cat]

Date: 7/25/2009 12:19:17 AM
Author: whitby_2773
italia, i think i''m a bit like you, in that when i married i really wanted my in-laws to like me. my mother was deceased, my father had married again and was *very* taken up with his new wife, and tim''s family was fascinating and successful and smart and everything anyone would want to be. so i tried to fit in. a lot. often. for a long time.

and i put up with a great deal. like - my MIL telling me she didn''t want to be called ''mom'' - and this was back in the day when it was still the norm to call your in-laws mom and dad. we''d get together for family holidays, and they''d take photos - but they''d ask me to stand out, so it was just them. tim and i were married, but there are very few photos including me at family do''s in the first few years of our marriage. this only changed when tim''s younger brother married and they did it to his wife also, who was a lot more proactive than me. he and tim ultimately approached their parents and said ''a family photo involves our wives - period!'' they would always email tim at his work account, despite being REPEATEDLY asked not to do so and to email us at our combined, family account. apart from which, tim''s company policy is to not use work email accounts to receive such things as photos etc, which his family would OFTEN send. his father would call, i''d answer, and he''d say ''can i speak to tim pls?'' no ''hallo kareyn'', no ''hi, how are you?''

in the end, i reached a watershed moment. i decided that they were tim''s family, and HE had to maintain the relationships with them. and at that point, the sending of cards, the buying of gifts for them, the making of phone calls - all of it - became his role, not mine.

and he hardly ever does it, of course, but that''s no skin off my nose. i sent him home to australia last year for his birthday for a week, and he had a week with family on the family property, but i didn''t go with him. my best girlfriend came out instead, and we hung out and had a great time. when we''re home this time, tim will spend the morning before our 25th anniversary lunch party together with his family - but i''ll be busy getting things ready and won''t go. and even if i wasn''t going to be busy, i still wouldn''t go.

i wanted them to accept me as family - but they didn''t. we don''t have the super close relationship i had hoped for, but we don''t hate each other either. we don''t force what''s not there, and we are completely friendly and civil. they have ZERO power over me, they know it, but nor do i try to keep their son from them. it''s a live and let live scenario, with me having accepted that it wasn''t what i initially wanted. but you know what? it works just fine for what it is. tim doesn''t really *want* to spend a lot of time with them - especially if i don''t go - so he spends as much time with them as he wants, no more and no less, and i support him in seeing them whenever he wishes to. as soon as i started caring less, the sting went out of it. i don''t like them as much as i initially did, but i like them well enough, and it''ll do. there''s no family feud here.

so my suggestion would be to step back. realize what it is, and live within those parameters. disconnect a little, but stop knocking yourself out for something you''ll never get; you can find approval and acceptance more easily and more freely given than this - and with a much lower price tag!

good luck, italia - i hope this resolves for you and that you come out of it wiser, with a slightly thicker skin, and with your self esteem both in tact and strengthened!

and now - one last thing - ''FRUSTRATED'', girl, not ''frusterated''! (you''re killing me! - where''s that screaming emotie when i need it?!)

take care

I think this is very wise Italia.

I think I remember you said you come from a very close family. Maybe you hoped that when you married, your family would grow and that Mark''s family would be as warm, caring, and as accepting as your family. Obviously, this didn''t happen. I can see how incredibly disappointing this would be for you. I think I would be disappointed and hurt by this too.

Mark''s mom sounds really possessive. OK. I will validate that.

Now, what do you DO with this. stuff? Resisting, pushing against it, will only cause the other party to push back. A power struggle is occuring right now. You have to change your frame of mind. You have to understand that accepting the situation for what it is will actually make you more empowered. Right now, this situation is draining your energy because you are resisting it, trying to force it. Let go. Take Whitby''s advice. Then draw your energy inward and do what feels good to you.

MIL, she won''t change. FINE. You can be the better woman. You always have the most sage advice on handling things with grace. Don''t allow MIL to take that from you. Take your trips. Schedule your life. If MIL fits in, wonderful. If she doesn''t, too bad. Let hubby deal with her. If it is important to MIL to see hubby, she''ll come over. Otherwise, travel when it is convenient to you or let hubby travel on his own. But don''t run yourself ragged anymore and don''t feel GUILT over it either!