My MIL is mad at me...what should I do???

[Italiahaircolor]

So, she''s mad at me...again.

Here is the situation...

My inlaw''s came to visit us in May for Mothers Day weekend. At that time, my MIL wanted to make plans for us to come out and visit at some point over the summer. I was kind but firm when I told her that due to our trip to Las Vegas, we had very little vacation time to spare just based on the length of our time away from work. I also told her that we wanted to save some time off for the holiday''s...my aunt will be coming in for Thanksgiving, and of course we''re expected to travel to Pittsburgh around Christmas. At the time of this conversation, I knew she was mad--she cried a little. She expressed how much spending Mark''s birthday with him meant to her...and so on. I told her she is of course welcome to spend his 30th with him (we''ll be traveling right before his actual birthday--returning 10 days before)...and I encouraged her to come back to Chicago to visit over his 30th. Nothing more was really said.

So...

As I''m finalizing our summer, I e-mail my MIL and again invite her out for his birthday. I tell her that I''m hosting a small BBQ, but nonetheless, would love for them to join us. I tell her flat out that we cannot travel due to work. I hear nothing in return.

A couple weeks go by and figure that she just opted to ignore my e-mail...that they aren''t coming...blah blah blah. No big deal. Eventually MIL calls Mark and gets to talking about his birthday...she mentions that she would love to fly us out to Pitts for an extra long weekend. Now, I''m pissed. See..if we wanted to fly, we could...if we wanted to drive, we could. Our inability to do either is based on our schedules at work, not transportation. And I''m doublely pissed that she decided to divide us. She knows Mark is weak...that he''s a peace maker...that he''ll give in easily. Me? Not so much. So in order to get her way, she went "over me" to him. Me =

. Instead of directing the offer to me via a return e-mail, she had him on the phone and sprung it on him--and ergo he''s making airplane signals with his hands trying to get me to confirm or reject the offer. It''s just pure frusteration. So, I stuck to my guns...I calmly picked up a post-it note and wrote a quote for him to read...I spelled it out (again) that we cannot go on another vacation--regardless if it''s just a day or two--this summer, that they are welcome to come to us, but that''s it, my final offer. Mark said him Mom told him to "really think it over" and then let it drop...just another example of me not being taken seriously.

I really thought the issue was dead until yesterday, our 2nd wedding anniversary.

Now, normally wedding anniversaries in Mark''s family are semi-big deals. I know for a fact that my MIL buys'' SIL/BIL "traditional gifts" and sends a card--she always has. Last year we recieved a card and a paper-related gift. This year...nothing. Not a card, not a gift, nothing. She called--when we were both at work--and left a message on our machine. That''s it.

Now, I''m not the type to demand gifts, or think I''m owed anything...but I''m absolutely all for equal and balanced. My MIL dislikes me and totally takes it out on Mark and it drives me nuts. Don''t expose Mark to all the kindness you extend to BIL & SIL and then do nothing him and his wife. It''s just rude. And I think what hurt me the most was knowing he was disappointed. I honestly couldn''t care less about stupid cotton themed gifts and Halmark cards...but I do care about how the lack of those things effects my husband.

Mark ended up returning his parents call...and MIL spent the entire phone conversation telling him about how for the past 4 weekends they have been visiting BIL & SIL. WTF????

. Seriously? My MIL refuses to come see us because she doesn''t want to travel--yet goes 4 weekends in a row to Buffalo NY?

I just can''t take it anymore...please, talk me off the ledge...I''m about to go 10 shade of f''ing crazy on her.

 

[nycbkgirl]

ooooo

i so sympathize with u ...i hate not only my MIL but their whole family

...but MIL def takes the cake....
mine does the same..she tries to get to DH instead of me..kinda like bypassing go lol...but i have had several talks with DH and expressed my feeling etc (my dh is same as yours, hates confrontation and conflict etc) but it took yrs to finally get him to the point in understanding that his wife comes first and it goes my waY! we even got to the point where we didnt talk to their side for 2 yrs!!! so basically i advise u to have numerous serious convos with dh about him knowing how to talk to his mom and not just back out of confrontational situations and explain she has to be civil to u or else they will have problems of their own (my dad and grandpa both had to have those convos with their moms) isnt it amazing how MIL''s dont know they have to kiss their DIL''s Ass

..sorry to be blunt lol..but i am a mom now to a son and i one day have to be an MIL and i understand that whoever my son will choose, i will have to love or tolerate always!

good luck! i know i still need it too lol.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thanks, NYC, I think inlaws are really a luck of the draw.

For me, I don''t care if I''m "right" or if things go "my way"....I just want peace and happiness. I don''t enjoy the friction, feeling like a disappointment or a let down, I would gladly give up being "right" to be "accepted". I try my hardest all the time to make sure I don''t pit Mark against her...and as a matter of fact, when it comes to his family, I don''t make decisions without consulting him. I want a united front...but she doesn''t respect that.

I am so frusterated because it''s like the moment he''s cornered by her, he caves in and makes me the bad guy, the heavy. Because if he''s all "I don''t know, let me talk to Ashley"...and then it''s "No"...well...who do you think made that decision? Me. Ugh. Ergo, she has a strong dislike (maybe hate) for me.

I don''t know.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

If you really want to improve your relationship with your MIL have you ever thought about having a heart to heart with her? Be honest and tell her you know you have issues with each other but for the sake of your DH you really want to work things out. Nothing will improve without communication.

 

[KimberlyH]

Italia, have you ever attempted to have a conversation with her about how she makes you feel and what it does to Mark? I don't think people are required to like each other all of the time, and I don't think most familial relationships are "fair", some people get along better with others, you and your MIL aren't people who get along, so it's understandable that they go out of their way to spend time with your BIL and SIL but not the two of you. Is it common for your BIL and SIL to visit them? They visited you last, so perhaps they feel it's your turn (and are hoping you will come because they see it as you making an effort)? Or maybe it's that they feel wanted at your BIL/SIL's house, but know that you aren't fond of them and so it's easier to be in their home with you. If it's an issue for you to visit, why doesn't Mark go by himself for a few days every once in a while? That way she gets to spend time with him and you don't have to be frustrated. It may also be a good way to resolve some of the issues you have with her.

It appears that Mark has no interest in cutting ties with them, which means you are going to have to find a way to get along, and being angry doesn't help anyone or solve anything. Perhaps if you could look at this as less about her trying to go over your head, or whatever it is you think she's doing, and see it as the of you simply being two personalities who operate very differently, with neither way being right or wrong, just different, you may be able to find some middle ground.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/22/2009 3:45:11 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

I am so frusterated because it''s like the moment he''s cornered by her, he caves in and makes me the bad guy, the heavy. Because if he''s all ''I don''t know, let me talk to Ashley''...and then it''s ''No''...well...who do you think made that decision? Me. Ugh. Ergo, she has a strong dislike (maybe hate) for me.

I don''t know.

If the answer were "no" more often than not, I would be upset if I were her too.

 

[nycbkgirl]

Date: 7/22/2009 3:58:12 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
If you really want to improve your relationship with your MIL have you ever thought about having a heart to heart with her? Be honest and tell her you know you have issues with each other but for the sake of your DH you really want to work things out. Nothing will improve without communication.

yes forgot to add that i tell her exactly what i think and feel and am not scared to anymore. i say things are supposed to be my way..meaning if u said u cant make it that means u cant make it and she shouldnt try to bypass u or try to convince dh otherwise etc...urgh MIL''s are just a disaster...my DH calls his mom my Monster-In-Law when asking or talking about her lol.

 

[LitigatorChick]

I have employed a live in nanny for over 2 years now. I thought both of them were fine, and they told me all the things I wanted to hear. Then my BF moved in and as he is home during the day, he saw and heard what was going on - child parked in front of the TV, while nanny gossiped on the phone. No interaction, no activities, no nothing. No abuse or anything bad, but nothin'' good. Sure not what I expected to be paying premium money for!!!!

I would tell your nanny that the cameras are there - if they have a problem, you are not a good fit! Mine either wouldn''t have taken the job or shaped up!!!

I now have BF at home and a part-time live out who is a dream come true!!!!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

LC I think you posted in the wrong thread

 

[brooklyngirl]

Have you talked about the situation with your DH? It sounds like he wasn't aware of the scheduling conflicts, and just deferred to you. If your DH knew the decision as far as you visiting the ILs, he should have told his mother as such.

Now as far as the issue of being liked, or even welcomed by your MIL, I think it's a moot point. You are not there for your MIL to like you. You are married to her son and that's where your priorities lie. If she doesn't like you, too bad for her -- she is missing out on her son simply because of that. It may be hurtful to your DH, but it is not your responsibility to maintain their relationship. You do what is best for you and DH, and the rest will work itself out. Either MIL will be more cordial and fair towards you, or in time their relationship will dissolve -- either way, it has nothing to do with you. Not everyone has to like you.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 7/22/2009 4:02:59 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Italia, have you ever attempted to have a conversation with her about how she makes you feel and what it does to Mark? I don''t think people are required to like each other all of the time, and I don''t think most familial relationships are ''fair'', some people get along better with others, you and your MIL aren''t people who get along, so it''s understandable that they go out of their way to spend time with your BIL and SIL but not the two of you. Is it common for your BIL and SIL to visit them? They visited you last, so perhaps they feel it''s your turn (and are hoping you will come because they see it as you making an effort)? Or maybe it''s that they feel wanted at your BIL/SIL''s house, but know that you aren''t fond of them and so it''s easier to be in their home with you. If it''s an issue for you to visit, why doesn''t Mark go by himself for a few days every once in a while? That way she gets to spend time with him and you don''t have to be frustrated. It may also be a good way to resolve some of the issues you have with her.


It appears that Mark has no interest in cutting ties with them, which means you are going to have to find a way to get along, and being angry doesn''t help anyone or solve anything. Perhaps if you could look at this as less about her trying to go over your head, or whatever it is you think she''s doing, and see it as the of you simply being two personalities who operate very differently, with neither way being right or wrong, just different, you may be able to find some middle ground.

Exactly what i was thinking. If you want to have a nice relationship with your MIL, you will have to make the first step. Talk to her, try to visit them more often, call at least once a week. Be more friedly and caring of their needs.

 

[nycbkgirl]

Date: 7/22/2009 5:05:03 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
Have you talked about the situation with your DH? It sounds like he wasn''t aware of the scheduling conflicts, and just deferred to you. If your DH knew the decision as far as you visiting the ILs, he should have told his mother as such.

Now as far as the issue of being liked, or even welcomed by your MIL, I think it''s a moot point. You are not there for your MIL to like you. You are married to her son and that''s where your priorities lie. If she doesn''t like you, too bad for her -- she is missing out on her son simply because of that. It may be hurtful to your DH, but it is not your responsibility to maintain their relationship. You do what is best for you and DH, and the rest will work itself out. Either MIL will be more cordial and fair towards you, or in time their relationship will dissolve -- either way, it has nothing to do with you. Not everyone has to like you.

yup! MIL was talking to my son and saying...o u will be so nice and everyone will like u (maybe taking a hit at me that they dont like me lol) im like nope i will not be raising my kids to make sure everyone else likes them...they will be taught to love and respect themselves first and everyone else can like it or not.

 

[Camille]

So sorry she's so difficult! Maybe is time to start new anniversary traditions, from now on: don't expect any gifts/get togethers from her, go somewhere for the weekend. This is DH's mother-- and
n-o-t-h-i-n-g is going to change that....For almost 21 years I've treated mine with a white glove, I'm very respectful and cordial to her, but nothing deep, that's why she has no reasons to pick up a fight. Please remember that your home is your castle, she doesn't have to be part of it.

 

[Indylady]

Oh dear!

I am so sorry you are going through this Italia. It just sounds like MIL is bent on having her way; and if you''re not going to cave, neither will she. I think that right now, it has simply become a battle of the wills. Since she is visiting SIL/BIL...then is able to travel. And she must have the money, if she was willing to fly you guys out.

So...

So it seems while she can come, she won''t, because she''s told you what she wants, and its her way or the highway.

I think you should find a way to deal with her, cause it doesn''t look like she''s going to change anytime soon. Possibly something sweet and to the point; in front of DH. Something like,

Hey MIL, you always send SIL/BIL just thoughtful presents on their anniversaries. Did you forget mine and DH''s?

I am usually never one for intentionally embarrassing others, but I do think that she meant to intentionally hurt you. She may have just been ''making a point'' but she did it in a way that was very hurtful.

 

[HollyS]

Mothers-In-Law.

The bane of every woman''s existence.

And the devil incarnate.

I can be the Queen of Passive Agressive. I know what I would do. NOTHING. If you don''t react, do her bidding, get into further conversations about her wants, or actually take the trip - - maybe she''ll get the message that she cannot manipulate you.

Don''t worry about hubby''s feelings. As soon as he fully realizes that she does these things to get at you, her charm will start to wear off. And her ability to manipulate him will fade as well. Boys hate to see their moms in this light, but they eventually do. When mama finds out that sonny won''t take the bait either . . .

. . . she might decide she can get further by turning nice. Even if she doesn''t, she''ll have lost the war she started.

 

[PrincessMiaPuff]

Sorry you have to deal with this! I also have a crazy future MIL.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thanks everyone for chiming in. I was just feeling frusterated.

I would gladly go see my MIL if I didn''t have a demanding job and only three weeks of vacation time. It''s just unrealistic to think that we can be gone for almost 2 weeks in Vegas (Wed-Thurs) and then go for an extended weekend 8 days later. It''s just not practical. I don''t live in a world like that, wish I did...but I don''t.

I know, at some point, I''m going to have to take her on. I know that, unless I like this sort of thing, I''m going to have to talk to her and let her know what our boundries are. And slowly I have been. Saying "no" to the trip was further than I''ve gone ever before...usually, I bow down to her wishes. She likes the upper hand, and I''m good with that--but after 3 years of being pushed and pulled at her will, well, I''m tired.

I never ever ever expect Mark to "cut ties" with her or anyone in his family. Never, I wouldn''t dream of it. But I don''t think that it''s unreasonable to assume that we can have a relationship and still maintain a say in our lives and schedules that won''t be dismissed because they don''t allign with her desires.

Anyway...thank you everyone so much. I feel better just "getting it out". I''m trying to be less passive...and hopefully one day I''ll have the balls enough to really speak up.

 

[QueenB29]

Oh dear. Sounds like my crazy MIL. Three months after DH and I got engaged I got an email from her telling me what a horrible person I was and how I was ruining her son''s life.

I have also been disinvited to Thanksgiving Dinner. The list goes on.

If she''s anything like my MIL, you''re wasting your breath trying to smooth things over. She''ll just act like everything is okay for a few months and then things will explode over another little thing.

Stick to your guns. I don''t speak to my MIL on the phone, nor do I email her. I only speak to her when I see her--which unfortunately will be next month for DH''s B-day. They''re coming to us, but they kind of invited themselves. Honestly, I would just drop the subject and have a heart-to-heart with your DH about ignoring/refusing all invitations from her for that weekend, but make sure he does the refusing. She''ll eventually give in. She''ll have to if you and your DH present a united front.

Believe me, I know how terrible it is to see your DH caught in the middle, but remember you''re not the one putting him in that position. If I hate my MIL for anything, it''s because of what she''s done to her son by hating me.

Don''t let her win--IMO, you''ve been more than fair inviting her to visit you. I''m sorry you have to go through this.

 

[nycbkgirl]

Date: 7/22/2009 6:25:55 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Thanks everyone for chiming in. I was just feeling frusterated.

I would gladly go see my MIL if I didn''t have a demanding job and only three weeks of vacation time. It''s just unrealistic to think that we can be gone for almost 2 weeks in Vegas (Wed-Thurs) and then go for an extended weekend 8 days later. It''s just not practical. I don''t live in a world like that, wish I did...but I don''t.

I know, at some point, I''m going to have to take her on. I know that, unless I like this sort of thing, I''m going to have to talk to her and let her know what our boundries are. And slowly I have been. Saying ''no'' to the trip was further than I''ve gone ever before...usually, I bow down to her wishes. She likes the upper hand, and I''m good with that--but after 3 years of being pushed and pulled at her will, well, I''m tired.

I never ever ever expect Mark to ''cut ties'' with her or anyone in his family. Never, I wouldn''t dream of it. But I don''t think that it''s unreasonable to assume that we can have a relationship and still maintain a say in our lives and schedules that won''t be dismissed because they don''t allign with her desires.

Anyway...thank you everyone so much. I feel better just ''getting it out''. I''m trying to be less passive...and hopefully one day I''ll have the balls enough to really speak up.

i didnt expect to either...i tried so hard to be a part of their family but when someone of smthg is so toxic to you and your relationship sometimes drastic measures have to be taken...there was a thread recently about cutting members of ur family out..very interesting stuff...
but in no way should u cut them out...we just had no other choice if we wanted to save our marriage and family ....but u should def do everything in ur power to avoid that by all means necessary...(i certainly tried everything even if that means putting up with nonsene

 

[nycbkgirl]

Date: 7/22/2009 6:14:20 PM
Author: HollyS
Mothers-In-Law.

The bane of every woman''s existence.

And the devil incarnate.

I can be the Queen of Passive Agressive. I know what I would do. NOTHING. If you don''t react, do her bidding, get into further conversations about her wants, or actually take the trip - - maybe she''ll get the message that she cannot manipulate you.

Don''t worry about hubby''s feelings. As soon as he fully realizes that she does these things to get at you, her charm will start to wear off. And her ability to manipulate him will fade as well. Boys hate to see their moms in this light, but they eventually do. When mama finds out that sonny won''t take the bait either . . .

. . . she might decide she can get further by turning nice. Even if she doesn''t, she''ll have lost the war she started.

ROTFL! o i just cant

 

[KimberlyH]

As someone who struggled with a boyfriends'' mother for 4 years I really don''t believe learning to be aggressive is going to solve any problems, nor do I believe MILs are the evil incarnate and all DILs are good. People tend to gravitate towards their own family members, so a DIL will almost always prefer her own family over her husbands'', and the husband will typically feel the same about his own family. It''s unfortunate that so many women turn issues with their in-laws into battles over territory (he''s MY husband now so it''s MY way; he''s MY son and I know him best). This woman raised the man you love, and likely he has pieces of her in his own personality, so there must be common ground in there somewhere, some good in her. Setting boundaries, when necessary, is a good thing but to feel that every invitation is an afront (because you have other plans, or simply don''t want to go, or for whatever reason) and every time she has a discussion with her son about spending time with her is a manipulation doesn''t benefit anyone involved. You seem ready to walk ten paces and draw, and it''s your perogative, but I think it will only cause more problems in the long run for all involved. You didn''t say what you thought about him gonig to visit alone. I really think it may be a good place to start for you, it would make her happy (and there''s nothing wrong with making her happy) and you wouldn''t have to be involved; a weekend home alone is never a bad thing.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 7/22/2009 6:25:55 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Thanks everyone for chiming in. I was just feeling frusterated.

I would gladly go see my MIL if I didn''t have a demanding job and only three weeks of vacation time. It''s just unrealistic to think that we can be gone for almost 2 weeks in Vegas (Wed-Thurs) and then go for an extended weekend 8 days later. It''s just not practical. I don''t live in a world like that, wish I did...but I don''t.

I know, at some point, I''m going to have to take her on. I know that, unless I like this sort of thing, I''m going to have to talk to her and let her know what our boundries are. And slowly I have been. Saying ''no'' to the trip was further than I''ve gone ever before...usually, I bow down to her wishes. She likes the upper hand, and I''m good with that--but after 3 years of being pushed and pulled at her will, well, I''m tired.

I never ever ever expect Mark to ''cut ties'' with her or anyone in his family. Never, I wouldn''t dream of it. But I don''t think that it''s unreasonable to assume that we can have a relationship and still maintain a say in our lives and schedules that won''t be dismissed because they don''t allign with her desires.

Anyway...thank you everyone so much. I feel better just ''getting it out''. I''m trying to be less passive...and hopefully one day I''ll have the balls enough to really speak up.

Looking at it from your MIL''s perspective - I can see thinking it''s strange that you have enough time to spend 2 weeks in Vegas but can''t pay a short visit to family. It''s not like Vegas was a necessity - that''s how you chose to schedule your summer. Of course, you have every right to spend your vacation time however you like.

And while it was certainly rude to not respond to your email, I think a mother should always be able to call her son and not run everything by his wife first. It might seem like she''s going over your head but maybe she just wanted to offer a genuine invitation to her son.

Anyway, I''m sorry you''re going through this!...just wanted to offer a different perspective.

 

[Kaleigh]

I know how FRUSTRATED you are... I see both sides. If it were me, I''d have a real heart to heart with her.. Don''t back down to her , just tell her how you feel, be nice but firm. The sooner you do this the better. Trust me, I have been in your shoes. I now have a fabulous relationship with my MIL. I adore her, but yes we had some hard times...

 

[zhuzhu]

I feel you pain Italia!
I am also very sensitive to my MIL''s often snide comments, and her calling my DH to find out what "I" am up to indirectly. Moreover she just invited herself to visit us in September and I am so NO looking forward to it..... Thank goodness our guest bathroom is still under construction, so they will be staying at a hotel near by.

 

[HollyS]

My post was meant to be ''tongue in cheek'' in regard to "The Devil Incarnate". (kinda, sorta, maybe)

Just so there''s no more misunderstanding, let me be clear. (as mud)

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Mark NEVER will cut ties which is why *you* need to deal with this. I don''t think it is much for your MIL to ask you to visit them once a year. I really don''t. You even live fairly close. I just came back from an almost 2 week trip with my ILs...do I enjoy being with them for that long? Nope. But they are part of my life like it or not. Things really are easier once you accept the things you cannot change. Can''t you go to Vegas for only 12 days and use the extra two for a long weekend with the ILs? It really is a small sacrifice and the gesture would go a LOOOONG way.

 

[rainwood]

Italia -

I think the solution lies with your husband, not your MIL. The only reason she goes "over your head" to him is because it works. If it stops working, she''ll stop doing it. You need to convince him if he takes a consistent stand, she''ll stop putting him in an uncomfortable position by asking him to overrule you. And that will be a win/win for both you and him. Your MIL will still be unhappy but that will be true anyway. So the person to talk to is DH who needs to recognize that saying no consistently will ultimately lead to less confrontation, not more.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 7/22/2009 8:02:18 PM
Author: HollyS
My post was meant to be 'tongue in cheek' in regard to 'The Devil Incarnate'. (kinda, sorta, maybe)

Just so there's no more misunderstanding, let me be clear. (as mud)

Holly, whether or not it was, many people feel that way about in-laws and I find it so sad. If nothing else DILs and MILs should recongnize that they both love the same person immensely, and that is reason enough to try to get along.

Rainwood, I absolutely agree that they need to be united in their decisions about what they do with his parents, meaning if she's said we can't make it then that stands, but the answer shouldn't always be "no." It's his family and they should spend time together, if he wants to, and it sounds like he does; if she's not interested in participating she can stay home, but he should be able to visit them when he pleases. I don't think he's just being pushed over by his mom, he wants to have a relationship with them, he wants to visit, otherwise he would say no. He's in a really tough spot, I have a lot of sympathy for him (and that doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid, Italia, as I said we don't all like everyone, but it doesn't change that Mark is in a tough spot).

 

[nycbkgirl]

Date: 7/22/2009 8:12:26 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Mark NEVER will cut ties which is why *you* need to deal with this. I don''t think it is much for your MIL to ask you to visit them once a year. I really don''t. You even live fairly close. I just came back from an almost 2 week trip with my ILs...do I enjoy being with them for that long? Nope. But they are part of my life like it or not. Things really are easier once you accept the things you cannot change. Can''t you go to Vegas for only 12 days and use the extra two for a long weekend with the ILs? It really is a small sacrifice and the gesture would go a LOOOONG way.

thats exactly what i do now...lemme rephrase...we didnt "cut ties" dh would never do that forever...we "took a break" we can put it that way. DH loves his family dont get me wrong but he knew they were toxic to us and he wanted us to work so we needed to cut the ties for a certain time. we both knew when the kids came we would return to being civil.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 7/22/2009 8:16:45 PM
Author: nycbkgirl

Date: 7/22/2009 8:12:26 PM

Author: Tacori E-ring

Mark NEVER will cut ties which is why *you* need to deal with this. I don't think it is much for your MIL to ask you to visit them once a year. I really don't. You even live fairly close. I just came back from an almost 2 week trip with my ILs...do I enjoy being with them for that long? Nope. But they are part of my life like it or not. Things really are easier once you accept the things you cannot change. Can't you go to Vegas for only 12 days and use the extra two for a long weekend with the ILs? It really is a small sacrifice and the gesture would go a LOOOONG way.

thats exactly what i do now...lemme rephrase...we didnt 'cut ties' dh would never do that forever...we 'took a break' we can put it that way. DH loves his family dont get me wrong but he knew they were toxic to us and he wanted us to work so we needed to cut the ties for a certain time. we both knew when the kids came we would return to being civil.

I would not describe my ILs are toxic but they do irritate me. I will say things have been worst since we had a child. I never really noticed their faults before I got pregnant. My DH thinks his parents are saints so it does make it easier that you and Mr Nyc are on the same page.

ETA: Italia, can Mark go visit them w/o you?