- Joined
- Feb 22, 2009
- Messages
- 4,602
I have been suicidal since I was 10 years old. I know that because my ideation is recorded in journals from that time period. It’s a very sad thing to read as a child vacillates between the innocence of her ten year old world straight into the darkness of wanting to take her own life. Suicide was my ultimate escape, when things got too terrible in life, I would end it. I actually thought everyone felt like me.
At 12 years old, after a particularly nasty incident with my abusive, alcoholic mother, I made an attempt on my life. I didn’t know what I was doing and didn’t take enough pills. I just slept.
At 18, following my rape, I made the one and only serious attempt on my life that I have ever made. The reason I have never made any other attempts is the fact that I had my son at 19 years old. I felt having a child meant that suicide was off the table. I was on the earth for something bigger than myself...so I began fighting.
I’m 43 now and these past 24 years have been me focused trying to save myself from the mechanism in my head that tells me all of the time that I want to kill myself. Logically, I don’t. I have a beautiful life. I have a successful husband who loves me, 4 incredible children, a house in a beautiful area, and pets!!! I also have bipolar disorder and C-PTSD and anxiety....
When things in my life are great, that mechanism creates thoughts that say I don’t deserve my life and my family would be better off without Me. When things are bad, I am the sole cause and they would be happier if I were gone. What I am trying to say is, no matter where I am in life, this thing finds an excuse to try and kill me.
I have fought this with all that I have. I have medicated, very heavily at times. I have had shock treatment. I have been hospitalized. I was even 5150’d even though I was asking to be hospitalized. I have paid over $100,000 in private therapy. And that mechanism is still there. I’m still fighting.
I do everything I am told to do. I am very open about what I am going through because they say keeping secrets about suicidality kills. Ok. So I tell my mental health professionals but the response when I tell them that my thoughts are centered on Suicide and that I am suffering greatly is “do you have a plan?” I feel this is the worst response ever. Anyone who has ever lived with this for as long as I have has at least 30 plans. When this thing is acute, we see death everywhere. There needs to be a more empathetic response that involves treatment first. Then if they are worried about the plan, ask later.
And telling friends is a bad idea too. When my stepdad killed himself everyone was so devastated by the fact that he didn’t tell them he was suffering. They said, “if only he had told us...we could have helped him.” I heard that more times than I could count. I took the queue and began gently telling very close friends what was happening with me. They locked up. When that happens, I usually change the subject to restore their comfort level.
But if I am being honest, this feels like the worst rejection of all. I understand that people don’t know what to say and do...this is the problem.
In that moment, I need for someone to grab my hand or to hug me and tell me that I am valuable to them. I need them to tell me they hate that thought process in my head and they don’t want me to die. I need to hear that they want to be there for me. That they aren’t afraid to be swallowed up by me..that they love me... because in my darkest moments, I will cling to the moments of friends and family loving me. Those moments are the only reason I’m alive.
Lately, I have been feeling very tired. Fighting this is so hard and it makes me fail at life quite often. This puts me in a place of extreme empathy for everyone who has fought Suicide and been swallowed up by it. When I hear of someone else who has died, I wonder about their journey with that ugly dark thing in their head that has wanted them dead for so long. I wonder if they fought forever and got tired or if they had an impulsive moment and it took them in an instant.
What I do know is that we need to get better about talking about this. We need to get comfortable with hearing a person talk about being suicidal and we need to find an effective way to help because at this point, we are still in the dark ages.
Thanks if you’ve read this far.
At 12 years old, after a particularly nasty incident with my abusive, alcoholic mother, I made an attempt on my life. I didn’t know what I was doing and didn’t take enough pills. I just slept.
At 18, following my rape, I made the one and only serious attempt on my life that I have ever made. The reason I have never made any other attempts is the fact that I had my son at 19 years old. I felt having a child meant that suicide was off the table. I was on the earth for something bigger than myself...so I began fighting.
I’m 43 now and these past 24 years have been me focused trying to save myself from the mechanism in my head that tells me all of the time that I want to kill myself. Logically, I don’t. I have a beautiful life. I have a successful husband who loves me, 4 incredible children, a house in a beautiful area, and pets!!! I also have bipolar disorder and C-PTSD and anxiety....
When things in my life are great, that mechanism creates thoughts that say I don’t deserve my life and my family would be better off without Me. When things are bad, I am the sole cause and they would be happier if I were gone. What I am trying to say is, no matter where I am in life, this thing finds an excuse to try and kill me.
I have fought this with all that I have. I have medicated, very heavily at times. I have had shock treatment. I have been hospitalized. I was even 5150’d even though I was asking to be hospitalized. I have paid over $100,000 in private therapy. And that mechanism is still there. I’m still fighting.
I do everything I am told to do. I am very open about what I am going through because they say keeping secrets about suicidality kills. Ok. So I tell my mental health professionals but the response when I tell them that my thoughts are centered on Suicide and that I am suffering greatly is “do you have a plan?” I feel this is the worst response ever. Anyone who has ever lived with this for as long as I have has at least 30 plans. When this thing is acute, we see death everywhere. There needs to be a more empathetic response that involves treatment first. Then if they are worried about the plan, ask later.
And telling friends is a bad idea too. When my stepdad killed himself everyone was so devastated by the fact that he didn’t tell them he was suffering. They said, “if only he had told us...we could have helped him.” I heard that more times than I could count. I took the queue and began gently telling very close friends what was happening with me. They locked up. When that happens, I usually change the subject to restore their comfort level.
But if I am being honest, this feels like the worst rejection of all. I understand that people don’t know what to say and do...this is the problem.
In that moment, I need for someone to grab my hand or to hug me and tell me that I am valuable to them. I need them to tell me they hate that thought process in my head and they don’t want me to die. I need to hear that they want to be there for me. That they aren’t afraid to be swallowed up by me..that they love me... because in my darkest moments, I will cling to the moments of friends and family loving me. Those moments are the only reason I’m alive.
Lately, I have been feeling very tired. Fighting this is so hard and it makes me fail at life quite often. This puts me in a place of extreme empathy for everyone who has fought Suicide and been swallowed up by it. When I hear of someone else who has died, I wonder about their journey with that ugly dark thing in their head that has wanted them dead for so long. I wonder if they fought forever and got tired or if they had an impulsive moment and it took them in an instant.
What I do know is that we need to get better about talking about this. We need to get comfortable with hearing a person talk about being suicidal and we need to find an effective way to help because at this point, we are still in the dark ages.
Thanks if you’ve read this far.