My Journey With Suicidality

[House Cat]

I have been suicidal since I was 10 years old. I know that because my ideation is recorded in journals from that time period. It’s a very sad thing to read as a child vacillates between the innocence of her ten year old world straight into the darkness of wanting to take her own life. Suicide was my ultimate escape, when things got too terrible in life, I would end it. I actually thought everyone felt like me.

At 12 years old, after a particularly nasty incident with my abusive, alcoholic mother, I made an attempt on my life. I didn’t know what I was doing and didn’t take enough pills. I just slept.

At 18, following my rape, I made the one and only serious attempt on my life that I have ever made. The reason I have never made any other attempts is the fact that I had my son at 19 years old. I felt having a child meant that suicide was off the table. I was on the earth for something bigger than myself...so I began fighting.

I’m 43 now and these past 24 years have been me focused trying to save myself from the mechanism in my head that tells me all of the time that I want to kill myself. Logically, I don’t. I have a beautiful life. I have a successful husband who loves me, 4 incredible children, a house in a beautiful area, and pets!!! I also have bipolar disorder and C-PTSD and anxiety....

When things in my life are great, that mechanism creates thoughts that say I don’t deserve my life and my family would be better off without Me. When things are bad, I am the sole cause and they would be happier if I were gone. What I am trying to say is, no matter where I am in life, this thing finds an excuse to try and kill me.

I have fought this with all that I have. I have medicated, very heavily at times. I have had shock treatment. I have been hospitalized. I was even 5150’d even though I was asking to be hospitalized. I have paid over $100,000 in private therapy. And that mechanism is still there. I’m still fighting.

I do everything I am told to do. I am very open about what I am going through because they say keeping secrets about suicidality kills. Ok. So I tell my mental health professionals but the response when I tell them that my thoughts are centered on Suicide and that I am suffering greatly is “do you have a plan?” I feel this is the worst response ever. Anyone who has ever lived with this for as long as I have has at least 30 plans. When this thing is acute, we see death everywhere. There needs to be a more empathetic response that involves treatment first. Then if they are worried about the plan, ask later.

And telling friends is a bad idea too. When my stepdad killed himself everyone was so devastated by the fact that he didn’t tell them he was suffering. They said, “if only he had told us...we could have helped him.” I heard that more times than I could count. I took the queue and began gently telling very close friends what was happening with me. They locked up. When that happens, I usually change the subject to restore their comfort level.

But if I am being honest, this feels like the worst rejection of all. I understand that people don’t know what to say and do...this is the problem.

In that moment, I need for someone to grab my hand or to hug me and tell me that I am valuable to them. I need them to tell me they hate that thought process in my head and they don’t want me to die. I need to hear that they want to be there for me. That they aren’t afraid to be swallowed up by me..that they love me... because in my darkest moments, I will cling to the moments of friends and family loving me. Those moments are the only reason I’m alive.

Lately, I have been feeling very tired. Fighting this is so hard and it makes me fail at life quite often. This puts me in a place of extreme empathy for everyone who has fought Suicide and been swallowed up by it. When I hear of someone else who has died, I wonder about their journey with that ugly dark thing in their head that has wanted them dead for so long. I wonder if they fought forever and got tired or if they had an impulsive moment and it took them in an instant.

What I do know is that we need to get better about talking about this. We need to get comfortable with hearing a person talk about being suicidal and we need to find an effective way to help because at this point, we are still in the dark ages.

Thanks if you’ve read this far.

 

[whitewave]

Thank you for sharing.

The “do you have a plan” bit is somewhat tone deaf as I believe a majority of suicide tries are impulsive— though of for ten minutes or less is what I think I read.

 

[marymm]

House Cat, thank you for choosing to share; I appreciate your candor; it takes a certain strength to allow yourself to be vulnerable in this way.

I agree we all need to be more comfortable in talking about suicide, though I think it will never be an easy subject, nor should it?

I had my own demons driving me during a difficult couple of years, to the point of considering suicide but was able to pull myself out. I didn't tell anyone about it until years passed.

My husband's sister made an attempt at suicide years ago and in hospital after that was able to be diagnosed and treated. When she stops her meds or when her meds need adjusting, her life starts to collapse, but now (decades later) she is more experienced in recognizing triggers and symptoms. She says she doesn't necessarily have control but a certain awareness. She says it has been years since she has spent thought-hours plotting ways to kill herself, and I hope this is true, but I don't know.

My favorite cousin, who we all thought was happy and brilliant with a well-balanced and fulfilling life, did commit suicide in his 40s. His immediate family and his friends and relatives (including me) did not know anything was "wrong."

I don't know.

I wish you well House Cat.

 

[perry]

Thank you for sharing.

The “do you have a plan” bit is somewhat tone deaf as I believe a majority of suicide tries are impulsive— though of for ten minutes or less is what I think I read.

Hardly, from personal experience and with talking with a few other people who have been suicidal: Many people struggling with issues have spent months - if not years - making a plan (if not various plans) as they quickly identify that one of the potential solutions to their issues is suicide. Mine would have worked (and I was at the verge of implementing it when I thought to try a different possible solution which had it's own risks... I was lucky that it worked).

I also totally agree with House Cat that just telling a friend does not help (and I would add may make things worse in some cases).

Perry

 

[chrono]

Personal experience: those who’ve never experienced depression think we can just snap out of it. If only it’s that easy. They are experts at putting on a very normal front to the world.

 

[Calliecake]

So so true Chrono.

 

[whitewave]

Perry, thanks for the clarification

 

[perry]

House Cat: I've been there.... I almost committed suicide in my early 20's. I struggled with an issue for years... and then it took me a couple years to work out of it (and it still affects me today in that I have an area of life I just don't allow - and have a buffer zone around that area: For marriage to work - I had to reduce that buffer zone which I did in therapy; and my wife had to agree to some changes in expectations - but the therapist was happy that I had found a workable solution to the issue of my youth).

Your situation sounds different in some ways.

PLEASE KNOW THIS:

- You are hear on this earth to do something positive in life. I learned that working my way out of my issue...

- I am here to help you, support you. To be a friend - a confident. To just say I understand - because I do understand much of what you are going through (even if not the specifics); if you want that. Not saying we will agree on various political issues, etc. But, we can agree to respectfully disagree and still be friends and help each other.

- we can even potentially do fun things with if we live close enough for that (platonic - My wife does not object, or can come along if you or your husband needs that).

I do not monitor this forum that closely. I will try to track this thread for a few days. Not exactly sure how we connect personally (as the forum is not likely the place you need to discuss things, and I'm not willing to share certain portions of my suicide issue publicly).

Perhaps the Administrator would be willing to provide contact information if you ask them (I give my permission for that). Perhaps you know some of the other old timers who know how to contact me (I date to the time when there was a personal messages service on this site).

I believe in you... You can have a great future...

Please let me know how I can help...

Perry

 

[Queenie60]

I'm so sorry for you. My son is bipolar and has attempted suicide many times. He seems to be stable for the time being however, I'm always on the sidelines waiting for the demons to surface. I don't fully understand the suicidal thoughts however, I try to wrap my mind around this on a daily basis, hoping I can do something to help him. On another note, you need to have a strong and patient friend who will listen and console you unconditionally. I have a long distance friend, she goes through very traumatic times with her family and I'm always there for her, just to listen and help her to be strong to face the unfortunate circumstances she's faced with almost daily. She refers to me as her "life coach." Each an every morning, I text her just to say "Im thinking of you, how is your day going?" And most days, I 'll get that phone call where we have a long conversation just to get her back on the right track for the day. Housecat, I hope you can find a friend that will listen to you. Take care as you're a wonderful lady.

 

[lyra]

I've had a bad week with a bout of depression to be honest. I don't want to talk to anybody. I'm trying to figure out whether it's a physiological issue, or a psychological one. I've talked to my daughter about the physiological side at least. I've learned that things can set me off that have nothing to do with events or situations necessarily. Certain medications, the smell of bleach, weird things can set me off sometimes. I will tell my therapist though. I see him soon.

Thank you for speaking out again @House Cat . It's probably hard for you to talk about, but you might be helping someone.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

In some ways your situation reminds me of that movie with Russell Crowe, where he ended up winning the Nobel Prize for something mathematical used for applications for Economics. He had, beside the support of his wife, an ability to recognize his symptoms of his mental illness and with the force of his own will and understanding was able to keep his illness in check so that he could still live productively in the real word. I hear you saying much the same thing. You know these thoughts come and go and for 30 yrs you have put them at bay. You are doing great. Yes, you must get tired at times, but know that there are many who do love you, and would be devastated by your loss.

I am sorry you have this struggle in life. It is hard. Hugs to you. Rest your head on my shoulder.

Annette

 

[Luce]

HouseCat,

Thank you for opening up to us. Depression is such a complicated and devastating disease. I believe that we have not yet begun to understand how to treat it.
My little brother hung himself last year. It was very methodical. He left his phone with the password written down on top of it and a note in his office. The medications that my brother was taking suppressed his feelings. He said there was no joy in his life. My brother suffered with this for at least a couple years that I know of. We did an intervention on him a year ago in December after discovering his first suicide note. he seemed to be doing better after the intervention, but took his life 5 months later. His pain exceeded his will to live.
This was a man who was an accomplished musician, successful business owner, with a beautiful wife, beautiful house (paid off) and a hefty savings.

I don' t have any advise, really, but my brother broke our parent's heart's, wife's heart, sibling's hearts, nephews & nieces hearts. We will never be the same....I miss my brother every day.

House cat, I always enjoy your posts and my heart goes out to you. I hope somehow you can find relief from the depression that you are suffering. Big big hugs to you.

 

[Mcgregor]

Housecat, your admission took extreme courage and you are to be commended for that. It is difficult to fathom the energy expended in dealing with a massive situation that seeks to gain control over you daily.
A gentleman I worked with committed suicide as well as a cousin. In both instances, we were all devastated. These brought me back to post-part with my first born. There were two sides in my head...one where I knew it was only post-partum and that it would pass. The other side of my head said that if I had to live with this overwhelming feeling daily, I could understand why people would take their lives. I was fortunate that this did finally pass and was not repeated with further pregnancies. I am sooooo grateful that I never had to experience such hopelessness and despair again. I pray that you find relief from these demons and I admire your courage in contending with this daily.

 

[meely]

House cat that must have been a hard post to write, I feel your pain and so much of what you say resonates with me. I understand that you are so tired, I wish that life was more joyful and you felt less weary. I am sorry I cannot write more in response, maybe another day. You have done so well x

@perry you are a kind person, I think putting yourself out there for the benefit of someone else in whatever form that takes is one of the best forms of self medication.

@Queenie60 you are a truly special friend, thinking of your friend and son.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

HouseCat, thank you do much for telling your story. I read a great article recently that talked about how physical illnesses are reported at such different rates than mental illnesses. It is a private matter and it takes courage to be honest about depression, anxiety, PTSD, and suicidal thoughts. The more we talk about it, I hope the stigma will lesson. We need to make mental health treatment more affordable with better access to care. We need to have more people share their stories.

Thank you for sharing.

The “do you have a plan” bit is somewhat tone deaf as I believe a majority of suicide tries are impulsive— though of for ten minutes or less is what I think I read.

I will say as a mental health professional we are mandated reporters. If someone tells me they are suicidal (homicidal, or other abuse) I HAVE to assess the risk and report it. I have many patients who have what we call passive SI. They wish they were dead or not to wake up but that is a much different threat as someone with a plan and means. There are a series of questions needed to be asked and frankly part of the problem is people's discomfort to ask the tough questions. I take comments very seriously and rather have a patient upset with me for encouraging them to go inpatient (or in serious cases, call the police) than not to help them get the help they need. Very few attempts or completed suicides are impulsive. Quite the opposite actually. They is usually planning and a great deal of thought put into it.

 

[Tekate]

@House Cat when I was in college I had a bout of 'clinical depression' I too came from an abusive home, I think this changes you HC, I think it changed me, forever. I think you have had to form your own world and views and rights and wrongs because of abusive parent(s), whom also obviously had depression etc, my mother was so depressed and repressed and she took it out on all 4 of us kids and my Dad who was a drunk also and useless. So far we've all died somewhat young (2 outta 4), all natural.

When I had that 'bout' I remember saying to my sister and roomates "I can't laugh" which was always my favorite part of me, laughing.. I love to joke (to the detriment of me I suppose).. I also said "I can't cry" "I can't feel anything".. then my head started talking to me and saying "Kate kill yourself" I think I had a psycho break also.. when someone says 'depression' I try to discern, is it DEPRESSION or I'm really really bummed and feel sh---y, depression is when you don't see the sun, it's horrible. It was such a strange feeling for me because I was often a smart ass but always upbeat.. I NEVER want to go through that again, HC when my 1st husband and I separated I RAN I mean RAN to a therapist(s) because I was soooooooooo afraid it would happen again, you see your surroundings has grey, dark, down, what brought me back to my senses was when I met my first husband, that is why I ran to the shrink(s) as I was afraid I was just going back there. Long story so sorry HC but it's my story

I'm not sure WHAT can save a person from that kind of depression, when I read about some Hollywood producer who stopped his car and ran to a fence and jumped into the harbor I understood, the pain of living was worse than the pain of dying he thought, it's easy enough to think. I believe to live one has to treat life as "one day at a time" today I will live, like AA, we know it's a better life without booze. Today I will live, today I will live everyday. When we think life is just not worth living we need to stop HC and live a life that IS worth living, you are worthwhile, you are worth it! you add zest and you have strong ideas and very thorough responses here on the boards, I appreciate that, I appreciate life a lot more because Housecat is here, because she is a survivor. She is worthwile, her opinions matter to me, to a lot of people. We take each other for granted HC we shouldn't but we do, don't take yourself for granted for you are special. I need your opinions and read yours with glee at times! my world needs you and people like you. I am here supporting you always.

Peace to you, your soul and your belief in yourself. Your growing up years sucked, horrible, but don't let them own you, own them and forgive yourself.

all my love, good juju, peace and all the other things that come with caring for another in the crazy assed effed up world.. you are a light.

Kate

 

[chrono]

One question I’ve always pondered is why people keep reminding the suicidal person he/she is worth it when he/she clearly doesn’t believe it no matter how many times it’s drilled into his/her head.

HC,
You are brave to face this and open up here. It’s been rough and continues to be rough but I see you are fighting the hard fight and please don’t ever give up. Seeking professional help is crucial.

 

[Bron357]

Your bravery and your courage is humbling.
Not only because you have shared your inner world but more so because of your inner world.
There aren’t any words or platitudes that suffice but I would love to give you a great big hug and say “you matter and you are special” and if I could share my sunshine and joy I would gladly give you more than you need.
It is just not possible for other people to understanf how consuming and soul destroying it is living every moment of your life with a savage demon in your head. There is no respite, there is no rescue and none of it really makes much sense to outside people.
I hope you can search out and find moments of meaning and joy every day. For they can distract the demon. Be it the sensation of stroking your pets, smelling flowers, watching a sunrise or sunset, listening to the sound of a waterfall, or waves on a beach, feeling the warmth of a hot bath or the bracing chill of a plunge into cold water - things outside your head that can soothe.
You might feel alone but you’re not. Just reach out where and when you can, here if no one else can listen, and we will swoop on in virtual love.

 

[TooPatient]

HouseCat,

I am here to listen if you ever need an ear. I have been through the thoughts you are describing (also from an abusive alcoholic home) and have been there for friends as they face the struggle. Several here know how to reach me offline if you'd ever like to talk. I know it is an ongoing challenge.

 

[babs23r]

I too admire everyone’s courageous stories and for sharing them.
Depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts are so prevalent in the world.
I too am a health care provider and mandated reporter. We see several teenagers with suicidal thoughts and are followed through by a team of professionals to ensure that the student sees a therapist.
But, what about the quiet ones who slip through the cracks? Bullying that isn’t reported?
I too suffer from anxiety and depression. I also have PTSD. No one would ever know. Some days are better than others. I have learned to appreciate the days when I’m feeling good.
I also found that in the Buddhist religion, you are taught to acknowledge your feelings to yourself and take note, and remember that the feeling you are experiencing is transient, and will pass. That helps.
I’m also Not surprised by how many privescopers have not written anything about their experiences with depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues. Still a taboo subject for many. That needs to stop.
Look how many responses to what nail polish you are wearing!
Anyway, thank you all for sharing your inner most feelings, and just know that each one of you is a valued, significant person who is loved by many .
Hugs and prayers to all. Thank you, housecat for starting this important thread.

 

[redwood66]

@House Cat I don't have any stories for you but I do have love for you. I know that you are worthy and kind beyond measure to your family and others around you. Please try to remember that when the darkness creeps in. ((House Cat))

 

[TooPatient]

I too admire everyone’s courageous stories and for sharing them.
Depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts are so prevalent in the world.
I too am a health care provider and mandated reporter. We see several teenagers with suicidal thoughts and are followed through by a team of professionals to ensure that the student sees a therapist.
But, what about the quiet ones who slip through the cracks? Bullying that isn’t reported?
I too suffer from anxiety and depression. I also have PTSD. No one would ever know. Some days are better than others. I have learned to appreciate the days when I’m feeling good.
I also found that in the Buddhist religion, you are taught to acknowledge your feelings to yourself and take note, and remember that the feeling you are experiencing is transient, and will pass. That helps.
I’m also Not surprised by how many privescopers have not written anything about their experiences with depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues. Still a taboo subject for many. That needs to stop.
Look how many responses to what nail polish you are wearing!
Anyway, thank you all for sharing your inner most feelings, and just know that each one of you is a valued, significant person who is loved by many .
Hugs and prayers to all. Thank you, housecat for starting this important thread.

The quiet ones and the "strong" ones both need help too and often don't get it because no one knows anything is wrong.

There really is a stigma or, at least, a big blind spot where no one knows how to react so say just the wrong things. It gets to be easier to suffer silently than have friends distance themselves or people try to help by saying just what hurts the most.

Until people start sleaspea up and making it okay to talk about these things, nothing will improve. I am very pleased to see this conversation here and several starts at discussion elsewhere. It is about time!

 

[TooPatient]

Here is an article I saw a friend share. Oversimplified, but good to see it getting talked about.

https://bloomsandbubbles.blog/2018/...-suicide-isnt-a-cry-for-help-by-steve-safran/

 

[Matthews1127]

@House Cat,
Thank you for coming forward & sharing your most intimate thoughts & feelings. That’s something most people struggle doing, esp when discussing such a sensitive subject.
Honestly, these are the conversations that need to happen...all the time. Talking about hurtful & difficult subjects with others can be healing. It can be revolutionary. I believe mental illness is difficult to treat because it is all so complex; psychology is an abstract science, which makes most of it subjective. So many variables have to be considered on a patient to patient basis. It’s just not very simple. The average person doesn’t have enough experience or understanding about mental illness to be qualified to have a discussion like this, even if that person loves you. A forum like this one may just be the place where it should all begin; there are so many people with varying backgrounds & experiences, here...that it may just be the breakthrough, long overdue. Psycho-babble can only go so far, and do so much for most people. I studied Psychology; I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Psych. I work in the field of Endocrinology, and I’ve learned over the past 25 years that people don’t seek help from those who have studied the disorders or the disease; they seek guidance from other sources of trust in their lives for fear of being labeled. Mental illness should be as easy to talk about, and understand as cancer. In most ways, both are similar. The only difference is the stigma attached to one & not the other.
I agree with the statements above: people just aren’t willing to ask the tough questions. It’s a tough subject, but getting to the root of it is a necessary evil. Open dialogue is vital.
I grew up in a funeral home. We buried many victims of suicide. The most tragic was the case of Sherry Pow. She was 17, bright, brilliant, and beautiful. Mental illness was genetic in her family; her parents & her brother all struggled with it, in one form or another. Sherry was successful in ending her life. It was awful, and evident that she clearly saw no other future for herself. She jumped from the highest bridge around here: The George Westinghouse Bridge. It reaches across Turtle Creek & Railroad Tracks. Sherry fell at excessive speed through telephone wires that sliced through her body, and she hit water like it was concrete. The rear flank of her torso had been severed, and every single bone in her body had been shattered, except for her hands and her face. The back of her skull had been crushed from the impact, as well as her spine, and her limbs. There was no coming back from that. Her body had floated in the creek for about 3 Days, before she was found.
I was given the task of recreating her lifeless face; asked to do her make up for her open casket viewing. Her parents insisted she have one day of viewing with an open casket, in spite of all of the trauma that had been done to her body. I was 22, and I was good with make up. As the granddaughter and niece of the funeral directors, I agreed to do it. The make up her family had given to us was no good; it wouldn’t stay on her face. I got stage make up, and donated some of my own in order to get anything to stay on her skin. It took me nearly 3 hours to do her make up, but when I was done, she looked amazing.
During that time, I talked to her. I asked questions I knew she’d never answer, and I remarked that I hoped she could see just how many people loved her, while she was alive; I wanted her soul to find peace. A soul at unrest, in life, remains at unrest, in death. The soul must find peace in order to cross over.
Sherry was very present, that evening, during her viewing; she made herself known. She was with us all, that night.
The one remarkable detail I remember about her case was the suicide letter she had written...in the form of a poem. It was the most bone-chilling, and most beautiful piece I had ever read. She was talented; the girl could write! Unfortunately, she did not see herself in any positive way. Her letter plainly demonstrated it.
There was a line of people wrapped around the block, for hours, the night of her viewing. So many people came to see her, and to mourn her; to remember her life. I only wish she could have known the love so many had for her...perhaps, she’d still be alive, today. I can still see her, now, as I speak of her.
I share her story, often, because she touched so many people who she never met. Her story has meaning & purpose. She came to me in a dream, a few months after she was buried. I embraced her, and told her that it was over. It was time to let go of the pain. She hugged me tight, and told me she remembered me...I made her beautiful. She thanked me for all the time I took to make her beautiful one last time, and for spending time with her, so she wouldn’t be alone. I told her she will never be alone, and it was time to move on. She disappeared, and I never saw her, again. There was peace.
I believe this process needs to happen BEFORE someone loses their life. This kind of contact must happen in order to heal the pain, and give a soul peace.
Open dialogue is only the beginning. Real interaction may lead to prevention. I wish I had met Sherry before she took that last step. Maybe I could have made a difference in her life. Maybe not. I know I made a difference in her afterlife, and that gives me joy.
I wish only happiness & peace for you, @House Cat. All souls deserve peace, especially, while they’re alive. Peace within yourself, and in your head. The time for silencing the demons is now. We are all here to help.

 

[stracci2000]

@House Cat,
Thank you for coming forward & sharing your most intimate thoughts & feelings. That’s something most people struggle doing, esp when discussing such a sensitive subject.
Honestly, these are the conversations that need to happen...all the time. Talking about hurtful & difficult subjects with others can be healing. It can be revolutionary. I believe mental illness is difficult to treat because it is all so complex; psychology is an abstract science, which makes most of it subjective. So many variables have to be considered on a patient to patient basis. It’s just not very simple. The average person doesn’t have enough experience or understanding about mental illness to be qualified to have a discussion like this, even if that person loves you. A forum like this one may just be the place where it should all begin; there are so many people with varying backgrounds & experiences, here...that it may just be the breakthrough, long overdue. Psycho-babble can only go so far, and do so much for most people. I studied Psychology; I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Psych. I work in the field of Endocrinology, and I’ve learned over the past 25 years that people don’t seek help from those who have studied the disorders or the disease; they seek guidance from other sources of trust in their lives for fear of being labeled. Mental illness should be as easy to talk about, and understand as cancer. In most ways, both are similar. The only difference is the stigma attached to one & not the other.
I agree with the statements above: people just aren’t willing to ask the tough questions. It’s a tough subject, but getting to the root of it is a necessary evil. Open dialogue is vital.
I grew up in a funeral home. We buried many victims of suicide. The most tragic was the case of Sherry Pow. She was 17, bright, brilliant, and beautiful. Mental illness was genetic in her family; her parents & her brother all struggled with it, in one form or another. Sherry was successful in ending her life. It was awful, and evident that she clearly saw no other future for herself. She jumped from the highest bridge around here: The George Westinghouse Bridge. It reaches across Turtle Creek & Railroad Tracks. Sherry fell at excessive speed through telephone wires that sliced through her body, and she hit water like it was concrete. The rear flank of her torso had been severed, and every single bone in her body had been shattered, except for her hands and her face. The back of her skull had been crushed from the impact, as well as her spine, and her limbs. There was no coming back from that. Her body had floated in the creek for about 3 Days, before she was found.
I was given the task of recreating her lifeless face; asked to do her make up for her open casket viewing. Her parents insisted she have one day of viewing with an open casket, in spite of all of the trauma that had been done to her body. I was 22, and I was good with make up. As the granddaughter and niece of the funeral directors, I agreed to do it. The make up her family had given to us was no good; it wouldn’t stay on her face. I got stage make up, and donated some of my own in order to get anything to stay on her skin. It took me nearly 3 hours to do her make up, but when I was done, she looked amazing.
During that time, I talked to her. I asked questions I knew she’d never answer, and I remarked that I hoped she could see just how many people loved her, while she was alive; I wanted her soul to find peace. A soul at unrest, in life, remains at unrest, in death. The soul must find peace in order to cross over.
Sherry was very present, that evening, during her viewing; she made herself known. She was with us all, that night.
The one remarkable detail I remember about her case was the suicide letter she had written...in the form of a poem. It was the most bone-chilling, and most beautiful piece I had ever read. She was talented; the girl could write! Unfortunately, she did not see herself in any positive way. Her letter plainly demonstrated it.
There was a line of people wrapped around the block, for hours, the night of her viewing. So many people came to see her, and to mourn her; to remember her life. I only wish she could have known the love so many had for her...perhaps, she’d still be alive, today. I can still see her, now, as I speak of her.
I share her story, often, because she touched so many people who she never met. Her story has meaning & purpose. She came to me in a dream, a few months after she was buried. I embraced her, and told her that it was over. It was time to let go of the pain. She hugged me tight, and told me she remembered me...I made her beautiful. She thanked me for all the time I took to make her beautiful one last time, and for spending time with her, so she wouldn’t be alone. I told her she will never be alone, and it was time to move on. She disappeared, and I never saw her, again. There was peace.
I believe this process needs to happen BEFORE someone loses their life. This kind of contact must happen in order to heal the pain, and give a soul peace.
Open dialogue is only the beginning. Real interaction may lead to prevention. I wish I had met Sherry before she took that last step. Maybe I could have made a difference in her life. Maybe not. I know I made a difference in her afterlife, and that gives me joy.
I wish only happiness & peace for you, @House Cat. All souls deserve peace, especially, while they’re alive. Peace within yourself, and in your head. The time for silencing the demons is now. We are all here to help.

Very eloquent, @Matthews1127

 

[MissyBeaucoup]

Mental health issues run in my family and I too have suffered with chronic traumatic ideation that I don’t expect to ever go away. Cognitive-behavioral therapy helped me to understand my triggers better. For example, Don’t get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (it spells HALT). Everybody has bad days, and I’m no exception, but I have gotten better at recognizing the early signs and riding out the symptoms. Like the mathematician in “A Beautiful Mind”, I try to watch my painful thoughts and not accept them as saying the truth about me. I know depression is really hard, but I am hoping we can share certain skills that help us persevere.

There is a really good lecture about depression on YouTube by professor Sapolsky at Stanford.

One thing he says is that the stress hormones of depression are comparable to those of people living in a war zone. No wonder it is so exhausting! We need permission to rest and take care of ourselves.

Modern life is obviously destabilizing a lot of people. Something is going awry in our bodies, our gut flora, our ability to sleep well. It is amazing how much sunshine and exercise, yogurt and fresh vegetables, and showing toxic people to the curb can do.

House Cat, you’ve been especially challenged with the severity and duration of your illness. I hope you feel your purpose and your gift stronger each day. You have many reasons for surviving and shining your light of love. Thank you for helping open the doors to conversation. I hope you feel more and more relief and hope returning. (((Hugs)))

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I am so very sorry, House Cat. As you know from prior discussions, I have a loved one who tells me all the time he wishes to die, and I do understand at least part of the reason is that he has no hope for the future. I have said before that I don't think the meds work long term, and getting off of them is a greater hell than not taking them at all. I do not have the answers or I would be shouting it from the rooftops. In my case, my faith is my rock in the dark trials of life. I hope and pray that the thoughts of your children and future grandchildren will help keep your head above water. {{{hugs}}}

 

[azstonie]

Ketamine infusion therapy. Start reading about it. About 80% of people are responders. It's particularly effective for suicidal ideation, depression/anxiety, C-ptsd.

Check NPR.org, National Institute of Health, The New Yorker, etc. Then Google Ketamine Center and your city. For example, there are more than 5 in my area. Not covered by insurance. You usually do 2 infusions to see if you are a responder. In cases of suicidal ideation, it's gone almost immediately.

 

[PintoBean]

One plan that is good to have in place is a phone list to call when you need help. Life happens and sometimes your tried and true just is occupied and can't answer their phone at the moment. Try to have friends in different time zones on the list. If it's 1am EST maybe your PST friends are still up.

 

[Arkteia]

Thank you everyone who has shared.

I never felt suicidal, and yet when I was running 23@me results through Promethease, I saw the suicide marker, one of the two known. It might put me at a higher risk if I get depressed. It shocked me especially because I never ever...

First step - order 23@me sets for my kids. (None of them has the marker - thank god).

Second - never came, as I already knew, never doubted who I got the marker from.

My father.

My father is a brilliant man, who wrote sixteen books, pioneered in the new area of medicine in the USSR, and provided anesthesia at first open heart surgeries. Who was so funny and handsome and energetic till 45.

I think around that time, he crossed the line into depression. Burned out that positive energy. Anyhow, depressions and talks about suicide became common. He never planned - but he envied his colleague who tried, and succeeded. It was scary, and unfathomable. He, too, had everything to live for.

My mom was his best antidepressant. Emotionally, she was very strong. She used his strongest/weakest point, his unbelievable sense of duty. Somehow she convinced him that we won’t survive without him.

When my mom died, I suspect he came too close to suicide. I feel it, I almost know. I even know about his plan. But he stopped, probably, because he did not want to leave us, me and grandchildren, with this knowledge, this legacy. We never spoke about it, but he probably guessed that I knew.

I remember how once we discussed his suicidal thoughts. He is an atheist, like myself. And yet I said suicide was a sin, and he agreed. Not in the religious sense - rather, life is such a lottery. So many people wanted to live, and yet life was forcibly taken away from them. So the ones who won the lottery should at least try. Hard to explain (my perception is skewed by the destiny of the country where 63 million died or were killed in the XX century), and I don’t know what dad’s personal interpretation of sin was, but he agreed. And then he said that no matter how strong the thoughts were, it was still scary to cross that line, too.

Well, now he is too old, has cancers and what not. He has a great caretaker. He still has depression, but milder. I always argued with his psychiatrists. I remember telling them once that it was, probably, also a form of bipolar, only the cycling was below the line of normal mood, and how the doctor said, “but it is called major depressive disorder”, and continued antidepressants that did not help. But finally, the article about seasonal affective disorder being the form of bipolar convinced them. And now he does great on Seroquel, and it is the best antidepressant for him.

As to me - I am probably lacking the creativity to be truly depressed. I am not joking. My aunt does not carry any markers and was never depressed, but she is nowhere close to her brother, intellectually. Or perhaps my mom’s stronger genes contibuted, and I, so much like my dad, feel differently? Who knows. Of dad’s family, he is the biggest achiever and the most interesting person.