My Journey With Suicidality

[Arkteia]

I too admire everyone’s courageous stories and for sharing them.
Depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts are so prevalent in the world.
I too am a health care provider and mandated reporter. We see several teenagers with suicidal thoughts and are followed through by a team of professionals to ensure that the student sees a therapist.
But, what about the quiet ones who slip through the cracks? Bullying that isn’t reported?

One third of teenagers is depressed.
Other factors - bullying, social isolation, perhaps, difficulty communicating with parents. I wonder what percent of kids kill themselves because they realize something about their sexual orientation, or experience gender dysphoria, but are too scared to tell anyone? Maybe these are the ones who don't leave suicide notes?

 

[Tekate]

Keep drilling it in @chrono I have a friend whose child who died by suicide in a hasty decision, he didn't think he wasn't worth something, but he thought is future was over at 15, wrong. Maybe just one line may spark a person to step back, having had these thoughts myself I don't know what works, but something worked with me and part of it was realizing I am worth something, no matter what my mom said, what the school said, my ex said, I HAVE WORTH. So what works for one may not work for another.

One question I’ve always pondered is why people keep reminding the suicidal person he/she is worth it when he/she clearly doesn’t believe it no matter how many times it’s drilled into his/her head.

HC,
You are brave to face this and open up here. It’s been rough and continues to be rough but I see you are fighting the hard fight and please don’t ever give up. Seeking professional help is crucial.

 

[Demon]

Ketamine infusion therapy. Start reading about it. About 80% of people are responders. It's particularly effective for suicidal ideation, depression/anxiety, C-ptsd.

Check NPR.org, National Institute of Health, The New Yorker, etc. Then Google Ketamine Center and your city. For example, there are more than 5 in my area. Not covered by insurance. You usually do 2 infusions to see if you are a responder. In cases of suicidal ideation, it's gone almost immediately.

Yes, I was just reading about that this weekend! Also, if your Dr. is willing (and legally able), Ecstasy (Molly, MDMA, whatever you want to call it) DMT, and LSD are proving very helpful with depression.

 

[Ally T]

Huge, huge kudos to everyone who has shared on this. There are some deeply moving, personal stories that must have been tough to write.

I can't offer any advice as I have had no experience of suicide either personally or through people I know, but I am certainly a person who never, ever judges other people. Ever. I know everyone has a battle of some sort going on, and I try to always have a warm smile on my face & make myself approachable as much as possible.

Hugs to everyone dealing with these very invasive & dark places.

 

[Arkteia]

KMaybe just one line may spark a person to step back

My close friend and a very accomplished woman had a suicide attempt at sixteen. She has had so many things happen to her since that time, good and bad, but life goes on. I am trying to persuade her to write a book addressed to the teenagers who have their first depressive episode and feel suicidal. When they look into that tunnel, they don't see or feel that there will be future after the depressive episode. Someone who has been there has to tell it to them.

 

[yennyfire]

Aww @House Cat!! I applaud your courage and bravery in putting this out there. If your sharing makes even one person realize they are not alone, then you’ve done the world a kindness. I’ve suffered from anxiety for years, which can be crippling and lead to depression. No one “on the outside” has a clue. It’s just too exhausting to open that door sometimes, but it’s important to do that, in order to be authentic. Your post was a good reminder of that, thank you! Sending gentle hugs....we are here anytime you want company or a listening ear!

 

[House Cat]

Thank you to everyone who has responded. As always, I’m very moved by the kindness of the members of this forum. Thank you @perry for your selfless offer of support. I appreciate it deeply.

I always get a little afraid of “what I’ve done” when I reveal this side of myself. I want to post and run, but the whole point of posting this subject was to start a discussion on how it feels to live with suicidal thoughts and what we might do to help people who are like me.

You all are such a kindhearted group...I believe that most of you would respond with love...like you did here.

I’m also kind of embarrassed because it wasn’t my intention to get love and kindness from you guys. I was revealing this side of myself to show that people can fight for a lifetime and do everything “they should do” and still have this awful thing in their head. I also wanted to reveal what people like me need in dark times


For me, this is something completely separate from depression. Currently, I am not depressed at all but I am still having these thoughts. And actually, I am learning that for me, these thoughts might be more tied to C-PTSD than anything else.

I have been exploring the idea of the MDMA trials and Ketamine. I just listened to a podcast with Michael Pollan that discusses the use of psychedelics and their ability to heal the mind. There are many drug trials using psychedelics going on right now. The success rates are astounding. This is the first bit of hope I’ve felt in a long time in regards to medical strides for mental illness.

 

[Jambalaya]

Hi House Cat, thanks for sharing what things are often like for you. Sending you huge hugs xxx

A few years ago, three people that I knew committed suicide in quick succession. (None of them knew each other.) It was enough for me to research the subject. I wondered what had made them do it, and whether there was a genetic factor.

What I read was very interesting and does echo your experiences. While there are definitely suicides that happen to people after multiple tragic life events who were never suicidal before those, the interesting thing was the people who experienced what you describe.

I read a short self-published book from Amazon by a woman who struggled terribly with suicide ideation. She described exactly what it was like for her, and it's as you say - her mind was continually urging her to kill herself. She recounted being in the family's swimming pool with her husband and kids, watching them play, and her mind was telling her how much better off she'd be without them. According to her, the thoughts that she experiences encouraging her to take her life were strong, insistent, happened often, and were very hard to ignore. Like you, she had a great life in every way.

Although we're a long way from understanding, I recall from the reading I did back then that this kind of suicide ideation is thought to be genetic - most likely the result of several genes. This is as opposed to the post-disaster kind of suicide. But the possibly-genetic kind doesn't care how fab your life is - it's a physical illness, and we badly, badly need to discover the genes involved and find how to disable those genes.

I feel for you, House Cat, I really do. It must be exhausting having to battle those thoughts and feelings. I guess all you can do is maintain awareness that those thoughts aren't real, that they're the result of physical challenges that have their basis in medical issues, and that your mind is telling you that suicide is a good idea when it's not the case.

Thinking of you xxxx

 

[perry]

@House Cat. Thanks for responding. There are no easy answers as the issue can be very complex.

Is there a life or moral dilemma? Is there a chemical imbalance, and why (behavior based or physical based)? Structural differences in a brain? Is it a combination of those (and other issues or contributors).

While my main issue was a life/moral - standards dilemma; stressful environment likely changed my brain chemistry as well making it difficult to think clearly and sort things out - and leaving me at least mildly depressed. Drugs can be miracles - or complete misses depending on the individual and their personal situation. While overall there are some common patterns and groupings among large numbers of people... It's the individuality of each situation that usually makes suicidal issues so difficult to identify and work through.

I believe you will make it and do well in the future...

Have a great week,

Perry

Have a great day,

 

[missy]

Dear @House Cat, I am thinking of you and sending you (((hugs))).

Sharing a poem that brings me comfort when I am feeling alone and scared.

Acquainted With The Night
by Robert Frost

I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain—and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-by;
And further still at an unearthly height,
One luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.

 

[babs23r]

House Cat,
When I read your recent post about having hope, I smiled and thought about how great that was, and how important this thread has been for many people. I know there are countless others out there who have been following these posts, and are hopefully getting the help and support they need.
In the Jewish religion, there is a saying that "He who saves one life is if they have saved the world".
In your poignant thread, I'm sure you have helped many people. Now there is hope that new therapies will be available.
You have done good.

 

[House Cat]

Hi House Cat, thanks for sharing what things are often like for you. Sending you huge hugs xxx

A few years ago, three people that I knew committed suicide in quick succession. (None of them knew each other.) It was enough for me to research the subject. I wondered what had made them do it, and whether there was a genetic factor.

What I read was very interesting and does echo your experiences. While there are definitely suicides that happen to people after multiple tragic life events who were never suicidal before those, the interesting thing was the people who experienced what you describe.

I read a short self-published book from Amazon by a woman who struggled terribly with suicide ideation. She described exactly what it was like for her, and it's as you say - her mind was continually urging her to kill herself. She recounted being in the family's swimming pool with her husband and kids, watching them play, and her mind was telling her how much better off she'd be without them. According to her, the thoughts that she experiences encouraging her to take her life were strong, insistent, happened often, and were very hard to ignore. Like you, she had a great life in every way.

Although we're a long way from understanding, I recall from the reading I did back then that this kind of suicide ideation is thought to be genetic - most likely the result of several genes. This is as opposed to the post-disaster kind of suicide. But the possibly-genetic kind doesn't care how fab your life is - it's a physical illness, and we badly, badly need to discover the genes involved and find how to disable those genes.

I feel for you, House Cat, I really do. It must be exhausting having to battle those thoughts and feelings. I guess all you can do is maintain awareness that those thoughts aren't real, that they're the result of physical challenges that have their basis in medical issues, and that your mind is telling you that suicide is a good idea when it's not the case.

Thinking of you xxxx

J,
There is a deeply genetic component to this. When i’m In the thick of this thinking, it never feels so. It feels like a personal flaw.

I think that is the worst part about mental illness, because it is an illness of the brain that affects your thoughts...it gets the brain to lie to you. And all the while, I know this logically...my emotions will jump in and follow the sick thoughts and I’m in the dark tunnel of pain.

When I’m there...I try to grab on to certain tangible things. For some reason, the way you’ve stated the genetic argument has resonated with me because it really made me think about my dad, grandmother, and his sisters who’ve all attempted suicide. I had a “duh” moment of...of course this is genetic.

I will reach for the genetics argument when this thing is attacking me. Thank you.

Trauma is passed through the genes. I haven’t read up on it much, but maybe it is time.

 

[doberman]

@House Cat thank you for sharing your story, that must have been very difficult. Just keep fighting that voice and focusing on the good in your life.
In my last job I would occasionally see people who were openly suicidal due to illness or injury. I would always ask them to envision how their loved ones would react and how they would feel. I'd tell them that they will be out of pain but they will be laying their pain on those who are closest to them. Then we would talk about the little things that give us pleasure that we take for granted, like the first cup of coffee in the morning, etc. I never asked about a plan because I really didn't want to know and the suicide itself was not something I wanted them to focus on. Of course I'd check their meds and give them the suicide hotline #, but I think that speaking honestly to a real person is preferable. I'm not convinced that the real person has to be a therapist, but it has to be the right kind of person.

 

[OoohShiny]

Thank you, everyone, for sharing in this thread.

 

[lyra]

I haven't really shared much in this thread, and it made me feel guilty. At one point, over 15 years ago, I launched into suicidality in a very serious manner. I was having trouble adjusting to meds for chronic depression and anxiety, and it was very sudden. I didn't even really realize it. I was basically walking in front of cars in parking lots and not caring. I told my doctor that I was just done living, that I didn't care, didn't want to see anymore, was okay with it just ending, didn't care about my kids, etc. This is hard to type and I can't go more into depth because it brings back the terrible crushing guilt I felt afterward. Anyway, when I told him all of this, with my husband present, he made me go to directly into the hospital for a complete supervised med change. It was less than a week, and was not horrible. You get total rest in the hospital. The new meds worked well. I realized that I was basically in a psychotic state, and that life felt very unreal. It was an altered reality. I have a different doctor now. He's highly qualified, and we have a great relationship. I'm on minimal meds and have no lows, no numbness, no mood swings. I hope to never be in that position again, because the thought never goes away--if things get really bad, there's always a way out that isn't socially acceptable. I'm just being honest, that thought doesn't leave, and it pops up at weird times like it's always an option. Some people just happen to act on that option, and I can easily see how it can happen. They aren't living in the same reality as the rest of the world at that time. It can happen to anyone in any walk of life. You wouldn't be able to tell.

 

[House Cat]

I haven't really shared much in this thread, and it made me feel guilty. At one point, over 15 years ago, I launched into suicidality in a very serious manner. I was having trouble adjusting to meds for chronic depression and anxiety, and it was very sudden. I didn't even really realize it. I was basically walking in front of cars in parking lots and not caring. I told my doctor that I was just done living, that I didn't care, didn't want to see anymore, was okay with it just ending, didn't care about my kids, etc. This is hard to type and I can't go more into depth because it brings back the terrible crushing guilt I felt afterward. Anyway, when I told him all of this, with my husband present, he made me go to directly into the hospital for a complete supervised med change. It was less than a week, and was not horrible. You get total rest in the hospital. The new meds worked well. I realized that I was basically in a psychotic state, and that life felt very unreal. It was an altered reality. I have a different doctor now. He's highly qualified, and we have a great relationship. I'm on minimal meds and have no lows, no numbness, no mood swings. I hope to never be in that position again, because the thought never goes away--if things get really bad, there's always a way out that isn't socially acceptable. I'm just being honest, that thought doesn't leave, and it pops up at weird times like it's always an option. Some people just happen to act on that option, and I can easily see how it can happen. They aren't living in the same reality as the rest of the world at that time. It can happen to anyone in any walk of life. You wouldn't be able to tell.

Thank you for sharing your experience Lyra. It was a very brave thing to do. I believe that sharing experiences like yours and like mine can help people who might be confused by what they are feeling or worse, ashamed.

I’m really happy to hear that you are feeling so much better. You sound very strong.

Hugs to you for all you’ve been through.

 

[PintoBean]

I was reading the updates and thought of this song that addresses suicide.

They wish for suicide to be painless yet those they leave behind are not painless.

 

[MarionC]

Housecat, i think you are wonderful to open this discussion. I have this issue in my family on both sides. I don’t have anything to add right now, just glad there is this thread.
Love to all.