That''s a good point. I''ll let him know.Date: 1/19/2009 6:02:48 PM
Author: AmberGretchen
Harriet, I''m glad your DH calmed down - getting it out in a setting like this can be incredibly helpful, and can aid in sorting out what is actually bothering you and how to address it without taking it out on him or the evil IL''s...
Please don''t feel bad. You weren''t being unfair at all. The gift was ... a cuckoo clock that DH had asked for as a birthday gift!!!!!Date: 1/19/2009 6:31:06 PM
Author: Elmorton
Harriet, I felt so bad when you closed the first, because I think my post was unfair to your DH. My apologies to him - it IS hard to navigate between your family''s ways and your life within in a marriage.
that said... I think a few of us are still curious as to what that wedding gift was.![]()
Hey, we''re standing firm. But, the constant battles are taking their toll on me. Maybe I should ask my doctor for a note?Date: 1/19/2009 6:51:22 PM
Author: LtlFirecracker
Hey,
I just saw this (and the earlier thread). Sorry to hear that they are still at it. I would stand firm on this one again, especially since there is no timeline for this ''visit.''
Ditto.Date: 1/20/2009 9:50:56 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
Your BIL is a grown man. It''s time for him to stop imposing on relatives (especially newlyweds) and start making his own arrangements and paying his own way in life. He''ll be much more welcome as a dinner guest that way. Stick to your guns.
I second that!Date: 1/20/2009 12:57:26 PM
Author: lliang_chi
Harriet,
Hugs to you. Sorry your hubby got upset, but I thought your post was more of a vent about the in-laws than anything else. You never said anything disparaging about your hubby, just that your IL''s keep putting him in this awful spot and he keeps saying ''No'' then feels terrible about it. I really feel for your husband. But you guys are totally in the right here. I hope the situation gets easier for you both.
~Lisa
Please don''t feel bad. It wasn''t your fault that DH got angry. Thanks for the brownies and hugs. You''re right -- I have no idea how long this nonsense is going to last, which is what makes it difficult.Date: 1/19/2009 7:23:02 PM
Author: platinumrock
Harriet, I felt bad that your husband wasn''t too happy about the thread. I was in the middle of giving you a brownie and a martini (in case you needed something stronger) to make you feel better. But I''m glad that you continued the thread. It''s really good to vent and talk things out. Sometimes that is all we can do. And that is what we need. A supportive ear.
When I went through my issues with my inlaws, I felt very isolated. I was thinking to myself, ''What did I get myself into??? And is this worth it?'' I felt like I was putting my husband in a position to choose between me and his family. Of course, he chose me. But it was hard on him. His family has been with him all his life....I''ve been in his for a fraction of the time. Who am I to suddenly change their family dynamics?
My family has their own dysfuctions too...and it wasn''t until I saw my inlaws dysfunctions that I saw how screwed up I was. In a lot of ways, I was in denial about my own family''s issues. Marriage is a whole different ballgame...and when you marry your husband...you really do marry his family. Warts, cuckoo clocks and all.![]()
It''s easy to give someone advice...and tell them ''No means no''. Have you tried this, have you tried that. But what if that''s not enough? How do you rationalize with irrational people? What if you scream until you are blue in the face and it still doesn''t work? Obviously moving far away from them hasn''t worked either. This is the part where I truly empathize with you, Harriet. I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for you, and I can only imagine how tired your husband must be. When will it stop? At what point do you just cut them off completely in order to find true peace?
Only and your husband know the answer to that. In the meantime, vent away girlie!
Let me know if you still want that martini!![]()
HUGS![]()
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Oh, pixley! It wasn''t you at all. I''m glad that you two are on the same page. DH made an agreement with me on this issue, but I can tell that it is difficult for him and that pains me.Date: 1/19/2009 8:51:20 PM
Author: pixley
Oh, dear! If I''ve offended your DH in any way, I apologise profusely. After 16 years, I have very little filters left when it comes to discussions around visiting in-laws (I actually adore mine, but I find houseguests really painful and disruptive across the board). Fortunately, my DH doesn''t mind when I go off about the visits as he and I are on the same page. The last visit, we looked at one another and said, ''Let''s never do that again!'' I feel your pain and hope that you can both preserve your space.
Yup. He''s no gem.Date: 1/19/2009 11:24:46 PM
Author: marcyc
I just caught up on your other thread. We don''t have room for guests here either and I completely understand why you want to say no. BIL needs to fend for himself as he is not your responsiblity. Hugs to you.
Should I e-mail them the OED definition?Date: 1/20/2009 2:32:40 AM
Author: movie zombie
Hubby did the right thing when he said ''no''. apparently, these people don''t understand the word.
movie zombie
Hugs, my friend.Date: 1/19/2009 11:28:31 PM
Author: AGBF
Harriet,
I need to go refresh myself on that one! I am glad I will be able to do so!
Hugs to you,
Deb
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Date: 1/20/2009 9:16:16 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Families can be very difficult. I really love mine, but you may be able to guess that I spend more time talking to all of you here than I do to them!![]()
I didn''t see the end of the other thread. All I can say is that I can tolerate my brother for maybe two days, and that is at my mother''s house! If he wanted to move in for an indefinite period, I do not see how it could work. We keep exercise equipment in our 4th bedroom instead of making it a guestroom, so most people don''t ask us to stay here!
I''m so sorry you are having this stress, Harriet! {{{hugs}}}
Oh dear, I think you got the worse BIL. The gift? A CUCKOO CLOCK!Date: 1/20/2009 9:49:11 AM
Author: tlh
On the earlier thread you had said your brother was too proud to ask to stay with you... but he is not too proud to couch crash for 4 years? (26-22=4)???
I find that you must take pride in your actions... otherwise it is just words.
I always butcher this so excuse me... but I think the ''give a man a fish and he''ll be hungry after a day... teach a man to fish and he''ll never go hungry again.'' applies here.
A SIREN GOES OFF FOR THE......SOAP BOX ALERT!!!! :![]()
I am not one to preach tough love and all that jazz... but seriously... MY BIL (from last thread) is in his 30''s and still relying on mommy and daddy to bail him out. He''s never had to fend for himself, because every mistake he''s made, mommy and daddy fixed. He doesn''t understand that the choices you make have consequences. That is my family, not yours, I just find it frustrating when people grow up expecting to be bailed out. I would feel sorrier for my BIL if he wasn''t such a TURD... seriously that is why I made such a big deal of putting his stuff in storage, I mean if this is only temporary....however he wants to do as little as humanly possible and never work - it is sooo irritating! GRR.
OK BACK TO YOU. If my BIL is anything like your BIL - I totally get the frustration. If there is a weird mommy and daddy fix everything with a weird sense of entitlement... I AM SOO THERE WITH YOU! HUGS! BIG HUGS! And a really dirty MARTINI!
oh and.... what was this GIFT? I''d love to know... oh and the same BIL of mine didn''t get us a wedding gift either... not even a card. (And he lived with us for 1 1/2 years, long story.)
So please... spill. Wow, do I have carpal tunnel?![]()
I am sticking to my guns, but it''s awful (and draining) to have to fight with the ILs every few months.Date: 1/20/2009 9:50:56 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
Your BIL is a grown man. It''s time for him to stop imposing on relatives (especially newlyweds) and start making his own arrangements and paying his own way in life. He''ll be much more welcome as a dinner guest that way. Stick to your guns.
Isabel, that is exactly what I told DH. I told him that PS is not always lovey-dovey and that people do get smacks on their heads if they deserve them. I'm really grateful to you all.Date: 1/20/2009 11:18:16 AM
Author: isaku5
Ditto.Date: 1/20/2009 9:50:56 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
Your BIL is a grown man. It's time for him to stop imposing on relatives (especially newlyweds) and start making his own arrangements and paying his own way in life. He'll be much more welcome as a dinner guest that way. Stick to your guns.
Harriet, I think you're wise to put this out in a public forum; that way you'll see perspectives from so many different people and be able to make a choice or devise a combo that just might work.![]()
Lisa, thanks for understanding.Date: 1/20/2009 12:57:26 PM
Author: lliang_chi
Harriet,
Hugs to you. Sorry your hubby got upset, but I thought your post was more of a vent about the in-laws than anything else. You never said anything disparaging about your hubby, just that your IL''s keep putting him in this awful spot and he keeps saying ''No'' then feels terrible about it. I really feel for your husband. But you guys are totally in the right here. I hope the situation gets easier for you both.
~Lisa