BIL (Part nth)

[Harriet]

Please allow me to rant. Again. My BIL now wants to move to New York. As some of you know, DH and I have been fighting with the ILs over our no-guests rule, especially when duration of stay is indeterminate. Well, guilt trip time -- FIL e-mailed DH, saying that BIL was "too proud and independent" to ask to stay with us, so he was doing it on his behalf. Very mature. DH said "no." At the same time, it's weighing on him. And, frankly, we're tired of the ILs' reclacitrant behaviour. We have a 2-bedroom, but it's not set up for guests. One room is a home office cum studio, and the second bathroom is used for dog training. Sigh.

 

[tlh]

That does stink. Maybe a lot, if the dog training isnt going well! wink!

I think it is hard when the length of the stay is not pre-determined, and with the way the economy is going- what happens if the BIL doesnt find a job right away... then you could have a you, me and dupree sort of situation... (sorry it was on tbs this weekend!)

So I see how it can put your DH in an awkward place. But they aren''t asking for him to stay the night while he catches a concert... this is an undetermined length of time... and from what I gather, he is moving on impulse w/o a job lined up. It is a slippery slope letting him stay 1-2 nights or even a week, because do you really want to kick him out and have him sleeping in a car?

My BIL was notified that he would be laid off after thanksgiving. Too many people left, and so they had to extend the lay off until after Christmas. He knew about the Layoff since October, and is still looking for a job. He finally had to move back home w/ the rents because it is 3 months later and he still hasn''t found a job. That could be your BIL living on your couch for 3+ months, and that is too much of a marital strain.

At one point he asked us if he could move in with us. I told him sure, but he''d have to put all his things in storage, because we had too much stuff to move around.. and I figured if he didn''t have a real "room" he''d find the fire to get his own place. But he ended up moving several states away because the market here is just tapped. (AZ)

So long story short, my heart goes out to you. These are difficult times, and that is a difficult situation to be in. I don''t know if there is a win-win here. Hugs, and I hope you and your hubby work this out without too many hard feelings...

 

[neatfreak]

I know they are difficult from past threads, but I would stay firm with the "no" but maybe have your DH help him find housing? Either at a hotel or an apartment if it''s a long term move?

 

[platinumrock]

Harriet, I''m sorry that you have to deal with PITA in-laws. What I don''t understand is why they feel entitled to be accomodated, especially with your BIL. Isn''t he an adult? Can''t he find a place to stay? They may be family, but they are still guests. It is your decision to invite them or not. You are NOT obligated to take them in...in any way. Especially when they have not shown consideration towards you or your husband.

Another thing: if BIL wants to move to New York, shouldn''t he be responsible for his own expenses?

Kudos to your husband for saying "No!". No means no. End of story.

 

[iluvcarats]

So sorry Harriet! Blech

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/19/2009 2:01:41 PM
Author: tlh
That does stink. Maybe a lot, if the dog training isnt going well! wink!

I think it is hard when the length of the stay is not pre-determined, and with the way the economy is going- what happens if the BIL doesnt find a job right away... then you could have a you, me and dupree sort of situation... (sorry it was on tbs this weekend!)

So I see how it can put your DH in an awkward place. But they aren''t asking for him to stay the night while he catches a concert... this is an undetermined length of time... and from what I gather, he is moving on impulse w/o a job lined up. It is a slippery slope letting him stay 1-2 nights or even a week, because do you really want to kick him out and have him sleeping in a car?

My BIL was notified that he would be laid off after thanksgiving. Too many people left, and so they had to extend the lay off until after Christmas. He knew about the Layoff since October, and is still looking for a job. He finally had to move back home w/ the rents because it is 3 months later and he still hasn''t found a job. That could be your BIL living on your couch for 3+ months, and that is too much of a marital strain.

At one point he asked us if he could move in with us. I told him sure, but he''d have to put all his things in storage, because we had too much stuff to move around.. and I figured if he didn''t have a real ''room'' he''d find the fire to get his own place. But he ended up moving several states away because the market here is just tapped. (AZ)

So long story short, my heart goes out to you. These are difficult times, and that is a difficult situation to be in. I don''t know if there is a win-win here. Hugs, and I hope you and your hubby work this out without too many hard feelings...

Thanks, tlh. The BIL is 26 now. The ILs have arranged for him to crash with various relatives since he graduated at 22. Time to grow up!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/19/2009 2:07:04 PM
Author: neatfreak
I know they are difficult from past threads, but I would stay firm with the ''no'' but maybe have your DH help him find housing? Either at a hotel or an apartment if it''s a long term move?

Good idea. But, not out of our pockets, right?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/19/2009 2:10:27 PM
Author: iluvcarats

So sorry Harriet! Blech

Blech, especially given that he has an icky girlfriend.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/19/2009 2:08:34 PM
Author: platinumrock
Harriet, I''m sorry that you have to deal with PITA in-laws. What I don''t understand is why they feel entitled to be accomodated, especially with your BIL. Isn''t he an adult? Can''t he find a place to stay? They may be family, but they are still guests. It is your decision to invite them or not. You are NOT obligated to take them in...in any way. Especially when they have not shown consideration towards you or your husband.

Another thing: if BIL wants to move to New York, shouldn''t he be responsible for his own expenses?

Kudos to your husband for saying ''No!''. No means no. End of story.

Oh boy, if you only knew our history. Their thinking is that there are no boundaries within familes. Yes, BIL has savings. DH did say "no," but isn''t happy about having had to do so. Guess who that affects? Thanks for letting me rant.

 

[Circe]

No, no, no! That''s just ridiculous. Also, if he''s "proud and independent" ... well, I''d be mortified if my parents went around asking for favors for me, especially ones they knew I wouldn''t accept. Aside from a guilt trip, what the hell is the point?

Also, in this economy, moving to NY without a job seems like a terrible idea: I have friends who''ve been looking for over a year.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/19/2009 2:47:03 PM
Author: Circe
No, no, no! That''s just ridiculous. Also, if he''s ''proud and independent'' ... well, I''d be mortified if my parents went around asking for favors for me, especially ones they knew I wouldn''t accept. Aside from a guilt trip, what the hell is the point?

Also, in this economy, moving to NY without a job seems like a terrible idea: I have friends who''ve been looking for over a year.

I''ve lost count of how many times Mommy and Daddy have interceded for him. One such exchange ended in a shouting match in which she said that my parents raised me to be selfish! He wants to be in film and he''s been getting freelance gigs. Kudos to him for following his dream. But, if it ain''t working, at some point he''s got to grow up and find a proper job.

 

[joflier]

Date: 1/19/2009 2:37:18 PM
Author: Harriet
Thanks, tlh. The BIL is 26 now. The ILs have arranged for him to crash with various relatives since he graduated at 22. Time to grow up!

Their just not doing him any favors. How is this guy ever going to be able to make responsible decsions for himelf, if mom and dad are constantly going to do everything for him? He needs a big push out of the proverbial nest so he can learn how to use his "wings"!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/19/2009 2:37:48 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 1/19/2009 2:07:04 PM

Author: neatfreak

I know they are difficult from past threads, but I would stay firm with the ''no'' but maybe have your DH help him find housing? Either at a hotel or an apartment if it''s a long term move?

Good idea. But, not out of our pockets, right?

Depends on how nice you want to be! But no, I don''t think it has to be at all. Just a distraction tool!

 

[MissGotRocks]

If nothing else, Harriet, your IL''s are persistent! I really don''t understand why they keep beating this dead horse. I understand that they would practically move heaven, hell and earth for this BIL but they do it at the expense of alienating the other son and his wife. Surely they know by now that this just reopens an old, tired wound.

I''m sorry that your DH ends up in this same situation every time. I''m sure you do bear the brunt of some of it. It''s really unfortunate that these parents just won''t accept your decision to not have house guests. I guess the problem really is theirs to deal with - they keep creating it. I hope that hubby will get to the point of not feeling guilty anymore about saying no. I''m sure he doesn''t want him as a houseguest either but they prey on his conscience hoping to make him feel guilty. Shame on them!

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 1/19/2009 2:41:57 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 1/19/2009 2:08:34 PM
Author: platinumrock
Harriet, I''m sorry that you have to deal with PITA in-laws. What I don''t understand is why they feel entitled to be accomodated, especially with your BIL. Isn''t he an adult? Can''t he find a place to stay? They may be family, but they are still guests. It is your decision to invite them or not. You are NOT obligated to take them in...in any way. Especially when they have not shown consideration towards you or your husband.

Another thing: if BIL wants to move to New York, shouldn''t he be responsible for his own expenses?

Kudos to your husband for saying ''No!''. No means no. End of story.

Oh boy, if you only knew our history. Their thinking is that there are no boundaries within familes. Yes, BIL has savings. DH did say ''no,'' but isn''t happy about having had to do so. Guess who that affects? Thanks for letting me rant.

YIKES! You''re not alone. I''ve had issues with my inlaws in the beginning about boundaries. It made the first few years of our marriage hell. Luckily, my husband also has a backbone like yours. Saying NO was hard in the beginning, but over time, it got easier. I also had to learn how to be assertive and say NO. I was such a people-pleaser. Living a few hours from them helped as well.

MIL was pushy, controlling and definitely had boundary issues. SIL was the princess, and they catered to her every whim. FIL was a push-over. She definitely idolized her big brother (my husband) and had boundary issues as well. There was definitely resentment from her part when I came in the picture.

Over time, DH and I had to stand our ground. It did get better over time.

Quick question: Do they know where you live in NY? If not, keep it that way!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/19/2009 3:00:18 PM
Author: joflier

Date: 1/19/2009 2:37:18 PM
Author: Harriet
Thanks, tlh. The BIL is 26 now. The ILs have arranged for him to crash with various relatives since he graduated at 22. Time to grow up!

Their just not doing him any favors. How is this guy ever going to be able to make responsible decsions for himelf, if mom and dad are constantly going to do everything for him? He needs a big push out of the proverbial nest so he can learn how to use his ''wings''!

Exactly!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

That could turn into an endless nightmare considering there are a LOT of people in NY looking for jobs at the moment! So I''d say no, too, to an indefinite stay. If someone really needed a place for a short stay (such as a week) to try and find an apartment or something, I would try to accommodate them. But he could end up staying with you for months and never find enough work to afford his own place in NYC.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/19/2009 3:02:12 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 1/19/2009 2:37:48 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 1/19/2009 2:07:04 PM

Author: neatfreak

I know they are difficult from past threads, but I would stay firm with the ''no'' but maybe have your DH help him find housing? Either at a hotel or an apartment if it''s a long term move?

Good idea. But, not out of our pockets, right?

Depends on how nice you want to be! But no, I don''t think it has to be at all. Just a distraction tool!

I am not inclined to be nice to this brat. It''s one thing if he were fresh out of school, ill, or had lost his job. But he made his bed, and he must lie in it, even if it''s flea-ridden.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/19/2009 3:09:00 PM
Author: MissGotRocks
If nothing else, Harriet, your IL''s are persistent! I really don''t understand why they keep beating this dead horse. I understand that they would practically move heaven, hell and earth for this BIL but they do it at the expense of alienating the other son and his wife. Surely they know by now that this just reopens an old, tired wound.

I''m sorry that your DH ends up in this same situation every time. I''m sure you do bear the brunt of some of it. It''s really unfortunate that these parents just won''t accept your decision to not have house guests. I guess the problem really is theirs to deal with - they keep creating it. I hope that hubby will get to the point of not feeling guilty anymore about saying no. I''m sure he doesn''t want him as a houseguest either but they prey on his conscience hoping to make him feel guilty. Shame on them!

Yes, MGR! July, November, and now January (and these are only the recent incidents). And, yes, I feel like crap each time because DH mopes. Don''t they get that whatever goodwill may have accumulated between episodes gets eroded each time?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/19/2009 3:09:54 PM
Author: platinumrock

Date: 1/19/2009 2:41:57 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 1/19/2009 2:08:34 PM
Author: platinumrock
Harriet, I''m sorry that you have to deal with PITA in-laws. What I don''t understand is why they feel entitled to be accomodated, especially with your BIL. Isn''t he an adult? Can''t he find a place to stay? They may be family, but they are still guests. It is your decision to invite them or not. You are NOT obligated to take them in...in any way. Especially when they have not shown consideration towards you or your husband.

Another thing: if BIL wants to move to New York, shouldn''t he be responsible for his own expenses?

Kudos to your husband for saying ''No!''. No means no. End of story.

Oh boy, if you only knew our history. Their thinking is that there are no boundaries within familes. Yes, BIL has savings. DH did say ''no,'' but isn''t happy about having had to do so. Guess who that affects? Thanks for letting me rant.

YIKES! You''re not alone. I''ve had issues with my inlaws in the beginning about boundaries. It made the first few years of our marriage hell. Luckily, my husband also has a backbone like yours. Saying NO was hard in the beginning, but over time, it got easier. I also had to learn how to be assertive and say NO. I was such a people-pleaser. Living a few hours from them helped as well.

MIL was pushy, controlling and definitely had boundary issues. SIL was the princess, and they catered to her every whim. FIL was a push-over. She definitely idolized her big brother (my husband) and had boundary issues as well. There was definitely resentment from her part when I came in the picture.

Over time, DH and I had to stand our ground. It did get better over time.

Quick question: Do they know where you live in NY? If not, keep it that way!

We''ve been fighting this battle for almost a decade now! I am very assertive, but that doesn''t stop MIL from foaming at the mouth. Unfortunately, they have our address. Heck, they used it as their mailing address for years.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/19/2009 3:27:06 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
That could turn into an endless nightmare considering there are a LOT of people in NY looking for jobs at the moment! So I''d say no, too, to an indefinite stay. If someone really needed a place for a short stay (such as a week) to try and find an apartment or something, I would try to accommodate them. But he could end up staying with you for months and never find enough work to afford his own place in NYC.

Given the career he''s pursuing, he''ll never be able to afford his own place, unless he wins the Emmy''s.

Everyone,
I''m sorry for ranting. But, the ILs keep doing this.

 

[pixley]

Poor you! By the sounds of it, your BIL is neither proud nor independent based on the amount of couch jockeying he''s about to weasel out of everyone. It sounds like a recipe for disaster and the stress that your DH is feeling now over having declined their request is bound to double if their Golden Child sets up camp at your house (with icky GF in tow, no less!

).

Moving to the most expensive housing market in the U.S. without a job or lodging is pretty half-baked. Could DH suggest that he move in with other single, like-minded actor types who would provide a nice social and professional network for him? Maybe throw his name up on a roommate bulletin board, or better yet, just find him a roommate, tell the Monster In Law where he''ll be residing and step back and watch the magic go down?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/19/2009 3:43:07 PM
Author: pixley

Poor you! By the sounds of it, your BIL is neither proud nor independent based on the amount of couch jockeying he''s about to weasel out of everyone. It sounds like a recipe for disaster and the stress that your DH is feeling now over having declined their request is bound to double if their Golden Child sets up camp at your house (with icky GF in tow, no less!

).

Moving to the most expensive housing market in the U.S. without a job or lodging is pretty half-baked. Could DH suggest that he move in with other single, like-minded actor types who would provide a nice social and professional network for him? Maybe throw his name up on a roommate bulletin board, or better yet, just find him a roommate, tell the Monster In Law where he''ll be residing and step back and watch the magic go down?

Hi pixley,
The nuttiest thing is that the brat has friends here! I''m at wit''s end because DH won''t openly address the issue with the ILs. He either ignore the request or says "no." I''d like him to make a firm stand once and for all, but he says we''ll just have to deal with it when it occurs.

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 1/19/2009 3:33:14 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 1/19/2009 3:09:54 PM
Author: platinumrock

Date: 1/19/2009 2:41:57 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 1/19/2009 2:08:34 PM
Author: platinumrock
Harriet, I''m sorry that you have to deal with PITA in-laws. What I don''t understand is why they feel entitled to be accomodated, especially with your BIL. Isn''t he an adult? Can''t he find a place to stay? They may be family, but they are still guests. It is your decision to invite them or not. You are NOT obligated to take them in...in any way. Especially when they have not shown consideration towards you or your husband.

Another thing: if BIL wants to move to New York, shouldn''t he be responsible for his own expenses?

Kudos to your husband for saying ''No!''. No means no. End of story.

Oh boy, if you only knew our history. Their thinking is that there are no boundaries within familes. Yes, BIL has savings. DH did say ''no,'' but isn''t happy about having had to do so. Guess who that affects? Thanks for letting me rant.

YIKES! You''re not alone. I''ve had issues with my inlaws in the beginning about boundaries. It made the first few years of our marriage hell. Luckily, my husband also has a backbone like yours. Saying NO was hard in the beginning, but over time, it got easier. I also had to learn how to be assertive and say NO. I was such a people-pleaser. Living a few hours from them helped as well.

MIL was pushy, controlling and definitely had boundary issues. SIL was the princess, and they catered to her every whim. FIL was a push-over. She definitely idolized her big brother (my husband) and had boundary issues as well. There was definitely resentment from her part when I came in the picture.

Over time, DH and I had to stand our ground. It did get better over time.

Quick question: Do they know where you live in NY? If not, keep it that way!

We''ve been fighting this battle for almost a decade now! I am very assertive, but that doesn''t stop MIL from foaming at the mouth. Unfortunately, they have our address. Heck, they used it as their mailing address for years.

I''m so sorry that things have not changed in 10 years.

Like MissGotRocks said, they are definitely persistent! In the end, you have to absorb all of this. I know your husband has to be fed up. I don''t know if this helps, but you and your husband must have a very strong marriage to endure all of this. Other couples would have divorced or left the country by now.

Stay strong, Harriet! And we''re here to listen and absorb some of your frustration.

HUGS

 

[Harriet]

Platinumrock,
Thanks for the hug. I need it. We''ve actually only been married since August. Get this -- they cited the fact that they didn''t ask to stay with us during the wedding as their knowing how to draw boundaries. Hmm.
P.S. Guess what we got as a wedding present (which was supposed to have been DH''s birthday present from 2007)?

 

[Sabine]

Awe, I''m sorry this is still going on Harriet. Stay strong with the NO!

 

[Elmorton]

Date: 1/19/2009 4:15:53 PM
Author: Harriet
Platinumrock,

Thanks for the hug. I need it. We''ve actually only been married since August. Get this -- they cited the fact that they didn''t ask to stay with us during the wedding as their knowing how to draw boundaries. Hmm.

P.S. Guess what we got as a wedding present (which was supposed to have been DH''s birthday present from 2007)?

An air mattress??

I really don''t get why your DH won''t address this. We have a 2-bedroom, and our set-up for guests is definitely manageable, but after a weekend of someone visiting us, my DH is usually going nuts because his computer is in the guest room, there are towels all over the bathroom, his routine disrupted, etc. I can''t imagine how your DH would possible think that his brother staying with you is a good idea. Is it possible to invite a friend for a weekend so he can get a taste of what it would be like for your space to be invaded?? Granted, that would probably cause more issues with the ILs if they caught wind of it...rrrrrgggg. Why don''t people just understand that no means no and move on?!?!

 

[Harriet]

Thanks, Sabine.

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 1/19/2009 4:15:53 PM
Author: Harriet
Platinumrock,
Thanks for the hug. I need it. We''ve actually only been married since August. Get this -- they cited the fact that they didn''t ask to stay with us during the wedding as their knowing how to draw boundaries. Hmm.
P.S. Guess what we got as a wedding present (which was supposed to have been DH''s birthday present from 2007)?

As in August 2008? If that''s the case, you are still going through a period of adjustment. It''s very normal with newlywed couples. But 10 years of THIS??!!

I''m sorry but it''s going to take more than that to show understanding of boundaries. How about...umm....when people say no, actually respect it? How about not imposing? How about giving you some privacy and wait to be invited?

I''m dying to know what they gave you for your wedding gift! Please don''t tell me it''s an airbed so it''s easier for them to sleep over

 

[Harriet]

Date: 1/19/2009 4:42:11 PM
Author: platinumrock

Date: 1/19/2009 4:15:53 PM
Author: Harriet
Platinumrock,
Thanks for the hug. I need it. We''ve actually only been married since August. Get this -- they cited the fact that they didn''t ask to stay with us during the wedding as their knowing how to draw boundaries. Hmm.
P.S. Guess what we got as a wedding present (which was supposed to have been DH''s birthday present from 2007)?

As in August 2008? If that''s the case, you are still going through a period of adjustment. It''s very normal with newlywed couples. But 10 years of THIS??!!

I''m sorry but it''s going to take more than that to show understanding of boundaries. How about...umm....when people say no, actually respect it? How about not imposing? How about giving you some privacy and wait to be invited?

I''m dying to know what they gave you for your wedding gift! Please don''t tell me it''s an airbed so it''s easier for them to sleep over

Believe it or not, they have given us an airbed in the past.

No, the pressie was a cuckoo clock!