Mother-in-Law Cut my Wedding "Cake"!

[crown1]

hi starry! i read this thread last night and didn''t reply as i did not want to post something that may make you feel worse. i do think that your mil did a really stupid and thoughtless thing but i can''t seem to agree with the sentiments of most other posters.

i think that the best thing that you could have done was to be quiet about the situation until after the reception and then have noted the incident to your husband. i don''t see the mil''s act as one of agression or control but either beginning senility or just plain ignorance. if she has not gotten that she should not have done it i don''t think she ever will. i think that if you show your feelings to your friends and family it will be a mistake. if they were present they saw what happened for themselves and won''t forget it. if you make a large deal of it you are likely to alienate them as one poster took offense at one remark you made.

don''t misunderstand me and think i am in anyway taking mil''s side. i am advising you to start this marriage above reproach. calling her names will not be to your advantage. she made the mistake and if she doesn''t correct it on her own she is the one that reflects on. i think your husband will definately side with you on this as you say he has but if you continue to beat on it i fear he will find you as unreasonable as his mother. he will think that you are both being unreasonable since he can''t control either of you.

i think that many times help that is offered back fires as it gets people more riled up when they find people supporting their point of view and it just fuels the fire. i don''t think you need to take pre-emptive action to stop your mil on this one point. this was just clearly stupid. no one would support her in what she did but they will see it for what it was---stupid. if she becomes controlling and interfering in the future that is a different story and you should deal with it then.

if i were you i would tell my husband that i was sorry that i reacted as i did since it was surely something his mother just made a bad judgment on and not something done to be hurtful. i think you will make him respect your fairness and ability to see past your own comfort level. if you start out nagging on something that was more of a reflection on her bad taste and judgement it will just begin a war between the two women most important to him. i''d let this slide and then when something really happens it will not appear that you have a history with her.

congratulations on your marriage and i wish you and your husband a lifetime of happiness!

 

[Lorelei]

Oh Starry! I am so sorry, but console yourself that she made herself look so classless and clueless in front of all your guests by doing this thing, and keep her on a very tight leash now you know what she can be like!

She obviously lacks basic manners from reading further, maybe she doesn't know any better, although that is no excuse. I also think talk to her about it once things have simmered down a bit, or her interference may get worse through your marriage. Also she needs to apologise to your Father for falsely blaming him for her ' cake cutting' and lying about saying he told her to.

CONGRATS TOO!

 

[phoenixgirl]

That was definitely rude and weird. I'm glad your husband is backing you up -- that's all you can ask. You can't ask for your MIL to realize what she did wrong or to apologize (at least not sincerely) for it. Sadly, I've learned this from experience.

My MIL isn't just a little rude or a little selfish . . . she's "[bleeping] nuts" as my husband puts it sometimes. I think she has a personality disorder. She's done a thousand things to devalue me . . . she gave me a big blow up picture of her holding my husband as an infant and cups my husband had given her for Christmas at my wedding shower (OH, a big blown up picture of you printed out on your computer . . . thank you so much!). She's had totally crazy tantrums where she stormed out of my house shouting that we don't love her. She gave me cookies that I gave her for mother's day for my birthday, which is a month before mother's day. Yes, some people can't afford presents, but the fact that she only gives me what she's received from us instead of making a card or a "gift certificate" to do something fun together tells me it's a statement. She never gives my husband used crap (gives him gift certificates to a department store, so she's still not going to all that much trouble).

Anyway, some people aren't rational. You need to figure out what is really going on . . . is your MIL trying to see how much she can get away with with you? Do you need to stand up to her to make a statement? Or is she a lost cause, so you need to minimize unpleasantness even if it means she slights you from time to time? My MIL is always saying creepy things like, "A man has to divide his love between two women: his mother and his wife" and "My MIL should have intervened when FIL's and my marriage fell apart. I blame her. If you are ever having problems in your marriage, I'll intervene." I'm like, right, uh huh, sure, like you'd know if we ever had any problems . . . we never see you and when we do you only talk about yourself. She interrupted me telling her about how my dad had a stroke to tell me that she needed to get prescription sunglasses, and then started giggling in her little girl voice about it.

Her way of interacting with her sons isn't as a fellow adult or as a parent, but as a damsel in distress . . . giggling, batting her eyes in an exaggerated way, treating them sort of like they're still infants and sort of like she's a high school girl trying to flirt with a boy. When SIL had her first child by C section, MIL came to visit and spent the whole time making BIL (her son) bring her (MIL) drinks and prop her feet up while SIL was trying to recover and take care of a new baby. CRAZY land! It's like sons are surrogate husbands to her. So who knows what your MIL's issues are, but try to figure them out before you get involved in a battle that's going to last the rest of your lives. As long as your husband is backing you up, this is just a nuisance.

 

[Lorelei]

Phoenix, you have my sympathies.

 

[starryeyed]

Thanks princess and door knob solitaire - great advice!

Crown, I appreciate your perspective. At the time, I had done as you suggested, although I couldn't hide my initial shock. My mom really saved the day there because I just stood there dumbfounded. You are also right - I did try to soften things with my husband. I said the whole thing was a shame and apologized for being so upset. It wasn't easy because I was so disgusted, but time is helping me to heal.

Lorelei, I agree that she should apologize to my dad, but I doubt that will happen unfortunately. I think this is where she really showed some "colors". To blame my father for her mistake is outrageous. No one is safe!

Phoenixgirl, I am so sorry you have such a head-case for a MIL. She sounds pretty awful. I'm glad I'm not the only one with MIL problems! We can take a lesson from surfgirl and name it "Surrogate Husband Syndrome" - hee-hee!

 

[crown1]

hi! good for you. time will make the hurt fade. enjoy the love of your husband and hopefully mil has learned a lesson whether she will admit it or not.

 

[starryeyed]

So here''s the new development. DH arrived back yesterday with a vase of flowers and a card from the MIL for me.

The card said "thanks" for the destination wedding experience and "sorry" for cutting the cake. She claims to have been "tired and overwhelmed" and admits it was a "mistake".

It could be that DH bought the flowers himself to "cover" for his mother, but I have to let that one go. I am learning that people in the family cover for each other''s thoughtlessness all of the time. (I guess that''s nice, but it creates an environment where people aren''t accountable for their actions.) I am grateful that she wrote a note. And I checked - it''s in her handwriting.

What an eye-opener this had been.

 

[diamondfan]

Starry, I am glad that this is resolved somewhat. I say somewhat because I think you know that she is likely to just be this type of woman, and it might be best for you (and hubby) if you sort of accept it and know your audience so to speak. Not to say that it makes future incidents less obnoxious or stressful, but...if you know that she can be this way, you are a bit forewarned and prepared. It is a sort of you taking the high road version, but if you accept that she maybe cannot help it or even if she can she won''t change and you will get all stressed out to no avail, that might help you. I tell you this after a gross mother in law for nearly 17 years (I only count married years because she was on good behavior prior to that)...and it has torn me up inside and caused anguish and fights with my hubby and through the years of course she has never changed. Often we can be totally indisputably right yet that is not the final issue, it is the daily living etc that counts. And I think it is great when you can come from a more calm place, hubby almost always agrees I am right in a given situation with his mom but he supports me more if I am not out for blood!!!!

 

[zdrastvootya]

I agree with the person who thought the fact the cake was a tart may have confused her into thinking it was just dessert. I''m sure there are traditionalists who would say a wedding cake must be a cake, and would be confused that it wasn''t. (We would probably call them closed-minded, but there you go.)

I think that after such a huge gaffe, denial would be the easier route. I''ve seen this many times in family situations. I think her writing an apology is commendable, and you should treat it as such. It''s a big thing. The flowers, or who bought them seems much less important.

Z.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 7/9/2007 11:18:42 AM
Author: diamondfan
Starry, I am glad that this is resolved somewhat. I say somewhat because I think you know that she is likely to just be this type of woman, and it might be best for you (and hubby) if you sort of accept it and know your audience so to speak. Not to say that it makes future incidents less obnoxious or stressful, but...if you know that she can be this way, you are a bit forewarned and prepared. It is a sort of you taking the high road version, but if you accept that she maybe cannot help it or even if she can she won't change and you will get all stressed out to no avail, that might help you. I tell you this after a gross mother in law for nearly 17 years (I only count married years because she was on good behavior prior to that)...and it has torn me up inside and caused anguish and fights with my hubby and through the years of course she has never changed. Often we can be totally indisputably right yet that is not the final issue, it is the daily living etc that counts. And I think it is great when you can come from a more calm place, hubby almost always agrees I am right in a given situation with his mom but he supports me more if I am not out for blood!!!!

Great post DF and the last part made me LOL!!

Glad you got an apology Starry.

 

[surfgirl]

Also glad to hear you at least got a card, though she should have spoken to you directly but at least this is something that you can use for YOUR own closure! While I started thinking Crown''s post made a lot of sense, I am more incensed not that she cut the cake, but that she blatantly lied to you about your father being responsible. To me, THAT is the more problematic point. And as others have said, this gives you a big forewarning about her future potential behavior. Perhaps you can look at future gatherings with her as a game, like "I wonder what crazy thing she''ll do today!" and try to make it amusing so that it doesn''t eat away at you. My mother says ridiculous things at times and has no clue how offensive she can be. Even if you tell her point blank that what she said is offensive she''ll just laugh and say "oh dont be ridiculous!" so now my FI and I play the "I wonder what she''ll say this time" game. At least I can laugh about it sometimes, rather than cry...

 

[Mara]

starry, i''m glad she at least wrote the note (and maybe gave the flowers hehe, but cute of your DH to try to help if he did)...at least she reached out the olive branch. it shows your maturity to just reach out and accept it to just keep the peace and at least she did try to apologize in her own way.

i really do feel like family a lot of times gets a ''pass'' on many things, comments or actions that go on. i also tend to try to remember..and think...do i feel like that was MALICIOUS?? most of the time it is not, half the time it''s just clueless speaking without thinking. so why bother getting offended or upset about it yanno? i''m not talking about your cake since you might know better than we would, but it sounds like this woman is just really kind of self-absorbed and does what SHE wants. which isn''t appropriate but sounds like you might have to get used to being around that a bit.

it''s kind of like sometimes my mom or grandma says things and i am like no she did not just say that. it''s so funny, especially in a family with a lot of WOMEN. greg is always like ''women cause so much drama in families'' and i think he is pretty much right in effect as women are so much more sensitive and kind of easily upset or similar by things that are done or said or perceived slights. guys seem SO much more ''water off a duck''s back'' with things and really just oblivious. i tend to be more oblivious as well thankfully hehee.

anyway, good luck with the future interactions. i kind of think along the lines of surfgirl''s thoughts...like ''wonder who will say what wacky comment today at the family GTG''...it keeps things interesting as well, families are really never boring!!! hehee.

 

[Aloros]

Oh my goodness! I can understand that your guests were shocked. I would have been appalled! Who does that?

I''m glad she wrote you an apology note. It sounds like she was sincere, mostly confused...and she was probably a little intoxicated. It''s probably best at this point to just put the incident behind you.

Hopefully nothing like this happens again!

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/9/2007 11:18:42 AM
Author: diamondfan
Starry, I am glad that this is resolved somewhat. I say somewhat because I think you know that she is likely to just be this type of woman, and it might be best for you (and hubby) if you sort of accept it and know your audience so to speak. Not to say that it makes future incidents less obnoxious or stressful, but...if you know that she can be this way, you are a bit forewarned and prepared. It is a sort of you taking the high road version, but if you accept that she maybe cannot help it or even if she can she won''t change and you will get all stressed out to no avail, that might help you. I tell you this after a gross mother in law for nearly 17 years (I only count married years because she was on good behavior prior to that)...and it has torn me up inside and caused anguish and fights with my hubby and through the years of course she has never changed. Often we can be totally indisputably right yet that is not the final issue, it is the daily living etc that counts. And I think it is great when you can come from a more calm place, hubby almost always agrees I am right in a given situation with his mom but he supports me more if I am not out for blood!!!!

DF, I totally know what you mean - DH is more apt to have sympathy when I''m "hurt" vs. when I''m "furious". I''m sorry to hear you have a gross MIL too - you are the last one to deserve such a thing. You are always so nice, level-headed, realistic, and unassuming in your posts - I can''t imagine anyone being at odds with you!

I can see DH''s family being a sore spot for me going forward. You are right that it is important to find that "calm place". I don''t want an ulcer and I don''t like to fight. I''m going to try my best to limit my interaction with DH''s family for a while until I heal.

The latest excuse was that my aunt had already been eating the chocolates off the dessert table. The truth - my aunt hasn''t eaten a piece of chocolate in 30 years due to a medical problem. So, yet another lie in an attempt to place blame on my family. First my dad, now my aunt. Unbelievable.

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/9/2007 11:28:00 AM
Author: zdrastvootya
I agree with the person who thought the fact the cake was a tart may have confused her into thinking it was just dessert. I''m sure there are traditionalists who would say a wedding cake must be a cake, and would be confused that it wasn''t. (We would probably call them closed-minded, but there you go.)
I think that after such a huge gaffe, denial would be the easier route. I''ve seen this many times in family situations. I think her writing an apology is commendable, and you should treat it as such. It''s a big thing. The flowers, or who bought them seems much less important.
Z.

Hi Z. You''re right, easier to blame the dessert, my dad, and now my aunt for her crudeness. The "apology" is commendable, although a bit cowardly. I wrote a note back thanking her for the flowers and the apology, that it has helped to "start the healing process". It''ll take some time though, particularly because she hasn''t faced me.

And I''m also learning that she blames everyone else and puts everyone else on the defense to make herself look better. Not a very redeeming quality, but at least I know.

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/9/2007 12:45:09 PM
Author: surfgirl
Also glad to hear you at least got a card, though she should have spoken to you directly but at least this is something that you can use for YOUR own closure! While I started thinking Crown''s post made a lot of sense, I am more incensed not that she cut the cake, but that she blatantly lied to you about your father being responsible. To me, THAT is the more problematic point. And as others have said, this gives you a big forewarning about her future potential behavior. Perhaps you can look at future gatherings with her as a game, like ''I wonder what crazy thing she''ll do today!'' and try to make it amusing so that it doesn''t eat away at you. My mother says ridiculous things at times and has no clue how offensive she can be. Even if you tell her point blank that what she said is offensive she''ll just laugh and say ''oh dont be ridiculous!'' so now my FI and I play the ''I wonder what she''ll say this time'' game. At least I can laugh about it sometimes, rather than cry...

A "game" if I ever make it to another family gathering..... I''m ready to move across the country at this point....

 

[poptart]

Sorry you are having this craziness Starry. You will be surprised the things that you learn about your MIL. Goodness knows I was!! At least she wrote you an apology, that is a start. My MIL completely ripped me apart three days before DH and I got engaged and she still hasn''t apologized for the unfounded things she said about me. That was two years ago. Whenever she does something mean to me, she apologizes to DH. Hmm?

The covering up for other family members would annoy me, too. People need to be responsible for their actions and shouldn''t rely on others to make up for their rude behavior.


PhoenixGirl: Your MIL sounds kind of similar to mine... only mine is a little bit more laid back about it. Sorry you have to deal with that. Sometimes I just sit back and watch... sometimes it makes me twitch, lol.


Does anyone know WHY some MIL seem to be a little bit *out there*??

*M*

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/9/2007 1:20:34 PM
Author: Mara
starry, i''m glad she at least wrote the note (and maybe gave the flowers hehe, but cute of your DH to try to help if he did)...at least she reached out the olive branch. it shows your maturity to just reach out and accept it to just keep the peace and at least she did try to apologize in her own way.

i really do feel like family a lot of times gets a ''pass'' on many things, comments or actions that go on. i also tend to try to remember..and think...do i feel like that was MALICIOUS?? most of the time it is not, half the time it''s just clueless speaking without thinking. so why bother getting offended or upset about it yanno? i''m not talking about your cake since you might know better than we would, but it sounds like this woman is just really kind of self-absorbed and does what SHE wants. which isn''t appropriate but sounds like you might have to get used to being around that a bit.

it''s kind of like sometimes my mom or grandma says things and i am like no she did not just say that. it''s so funny, especially in a family with a lot of WOMEN. greg is always like ''women cause so much drama in families'' and i think he is pretty much right in effect as women are so much more sensitive and kind of easily upset or similar by things that are done or said or perceived slights. guys seem SO much more ''water off a duck''s back'' with things and really just oblivious. i tend to be more oblivious as well thankfully hehee.

anyway, good luck with the future interactions. i kind of think along the lines of surfgirl''s thoughts...like ''wonder who will say what wacky comment today at the family GTG''...it keeps things interesting as well, families are really never boring!!! hehee.

Thanks Mara - I''m going to need all the luck I can get! Do you think a finishing school will take a 70-year-old?? Maybe that would help. You''re right that men go with the flow much better when it comes to this stuff.

"Was it malicious?" is a good test, but there''s also the accountability factor. It seems to be a family trait on the mother''s side that people just say and do as they feel, regardless of who they might hurt, how stupid they might sound, how wrong they might be, or how offensively they may be behaving. So if a person can''t control her mouth or her actions, is it malicious? Maybe not, but it''s pretty unacceptable.

And then to blame MY family?? Is that malicious? Not malicious, just an attempt to deflect and put someone else on the defense. Again, totally unacceptable. As you can see, I''m struggling with the "free pass" thing. I would prefer to be around polite, educated, well-mannered people instead.

At least she wrote an apology, even though she didn''t want to face me....

 

[diamondfan]

I know many people like that, that always have someone to pin blame on and they duck any responsibility. Makes me nuts. My sister is like that and it is one of the reasons I no longer talk to her. You reach a point where you just want them to stop the lies and rationalizations, accept their role, make amends the best they can and move forward. But no, it is always easier to weasel out of facing the music. I find I just stop believing most of what is said when someone like that is saying something, sort of crying wolf. A simple, Yes, it was wrong and I am sorry would go a long way but is like winning the lottery, unlikely to occur.

I think you will be happier if you realize she is not going to change, and work on finding a way to cope. She is going to likely do lots of yucky things I am sad to say, and while I hope I am wrong, a masters in psych notwithstanding I just think she is attention seeking, inappropriate, lacks proper boundaries and does not take ownership of her behaviors. This is a tough type of person to be dealing with when they are in the middle of an incident. But knowing that makes a huge difference to me. I also had to realize that I could be RIGHT, but it was still hubby''s mom, she raised him, her behavior is something he is more used to, and I had to tread lightly. Yes, she is self involved, yes, she needs attention, yes, she behaves badly, yes, she is cowardly, but she is his mom at the end of the day. I always say that, as a mom of three boys, I hope my mother in law was placed in front of me to teach me what kind of mother in law NOT to be. And, hubby even admitted to our sitter that his mom was not always nice to me, was tough (ya think?) and still has her moments (try all the time, but hey, it''s nice he is aware). Hubby is likely torn, knows you are right but feels badly for her, so he is in a tough spot.

Thanks for your kind words. I have dealt with her for over 17 years. I think I am a kind and fair person, by no means perfect, but a good wife, mother, friend...I would have been an excellent daughter in law if she had laid off of me. It is truly her loss now, not that she gets that. She thinks I excluded her and favor my mom, which are two separate issues, since of course my mom comes first to me, but she got excluded as a consequence to her behaviors, not just on a whim. She thinks I am spoiled and spend HER SON''s money too freely (less goes to her then, though she is amply taken care of)...she is simply one who likes to find fault no matter what, and is determined not to be happy or mellow or leave things alone. I only give you my words of experience because our worst fights were about his family and their actions, and it took a toll. So I learned to bitch to my pals about most things regarding her, and go to hubby for the important things, when I needed his support and intervention. Of course he knows how I feel, but it is not being talked about all of the time so he is more able to hear me when I really need him to.

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/9/2007 11:02:41 PM
Author: poptart
Sorry you are having this craziness Starry. You will be surprised the things that you learn about your MIL. Goodness knows I was!! At least she wrote you an apology, that is a start. My MIL completely ripped me apart three days before DH and I got engaged and she still hasn''t apologized for the unfounded things she said about me. That was two years ago. Whenever she does something mean to me, she apologizes to DH. Hmm?
*M*

Wow, this sounds tough. Similar pattern as my DH''s family. Covering for one another. Who knows, maybe you MIL never apologizes and your DH covers for her? My DH wants to appease everyone - does yours do this? That''s why I checked the handwriting!

Well, I will hold the CD with the professional picture proofs, so she will have to face me at some point if she wants pictures of her son''s wedding. Otherwise I will begin to have terrible computer problems. I''m done going out-of-my-way for a while.

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/9/2007 4:41:14 PM
Author: Aloros
Oh my goodness! I can understand that your guests were shocked. I would have been appalled! Who does that?

I''m glad she wrote you an apology note. It sounds like she was sincere, mostly confused...and she was probably a little intoxicated. It''s probably best at this point to just put the incident behind you.

Hopefully nothing like this happens again!

I know, right? You nailed it Aloros.

I''m glad she apologized too - it''s a start.

I''ll have to don my chain mail suit before interacting....

 

[poptart]

Date: 7/9/2007 11:19:53 PM
Author: starryeyed

Date: 7/9/2007 11:02:41 PM

Author: poptart

Sorry you are having this craziness Starry. You will be surprised the things that you learn about your MIL. Goodness knows I was!! At least she wrote you an apology, that is a start. My MIL completely ripped me apart three days before DH and I got engaged and she still hasn''t apologized for the unfounded things she said about me. That was two years ago. Whenever she does something mean to me, she apologizes to DH. Hmm?

*M*

Wow, this sounds tough. Similar pattern as my DH''s family. Covering for one another. Who knows, maybe you MIL never apologizes and your DH covers for her? My DH wants to appease everyone - does yours do this? That''s why I checked the handwriting!


Well, I will hold the CD with the professional picture proofs, so she will have to face me at some point if she wants pictures of her son''s wedding. Otherwise I will begin to have terrible computer problems. I''m done going out-of-my-way for a while.

Well, I was in the house for the "talk" they had, but she didn''t want me to be in the room or anything. I had assumed that''s what it was about due to the timing, and DH just confirmed that. He doesn''t cover for her because it''s really not worth his trouble. He admits that she has some problems, and so now he just stays out of the way of the family fumbles unless sucked in by his mother. When that happens he actually tells everyone the way he feels about the situation, and is done with the matter. It took a couple years for him to work up to doing this, but it helps with both of our stress levels.

Another thing... do not EVER talk to your MIL about any type of frustration you have with your DH. I made that mistake and wish I hadn''t said anything because that entire conversation just made me feel horrible.

Do you live near your MIL? We live far away and it has helped immensely. She was here for two weeks recently and DH actually had to take a day''s break from her because he just couldn''t stand her that day. So small doses can help.

*M*

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/9/2007 11:18:48 PM
Author: diamondfan
I know many people like that, that always have someone to pin blame on and they duck any responsibility. Makes me nuts. My sister is like that and it is one of the reasons I no longer talk to her. You reach a point where you just want them to stop the lies and rationalizations, accept their role, make amends the best they can and move forward. But no, it is always easier to weasel out of facing the music. I find I just stop believing most of what is said when someone like that is saying something, sort of crying wolf. A simple, Yes, it was wrong and I am sorry would go a long way but is like winning the lottery, unlikely to occur.

YES, YES, YES!!!! You know exactly what I am going through. EXACTLY, EXACTLY! Drives me nuts too. I think, "What, do you think I have STUPID tatoo''ed on my forehead??" And the excuses just wind up making things worse. Next she''ll blame my mother somehow.....

I think you will be happier if you realize she is not going to change, and work on finding a way to cope. She is going to likely do lots of yucky things I am sad to say, and while I hope I am wrong, a masters in psych notwithstanding I just think she is attention seeking, inappropriate, lacks proper boundaries and does not take ownership of her behaviors. This is a tough type of person to be dealing with when they are in the middle of an incident. But knowing that makes a huge difference to me. I also had to realize that I could be RIGHT, but it was still hubby''s mom, she raised him, her behavior is something he is more used to, and I had to tread lightly. Yes, she is self involved, yes, she needs attention, yes, she behaves badly, yes, she is cowardly, but she is his mom at the end of the day. I always say that, as a mom of three boys, I hope my mother in law was placed in front of me to teach me what kind of mother in law NOT to be. And, hubby even admitted to our sitter that his mom was not always nice to me, was tough (ya think?) and still has her moments (try all the time, but hey, it''s nice he is aware). Hubby is likely torn, knows you are right but feels badly for her, so he is in a tough spot.

You said it exactly right - attention-seeking, inappropriate, lacks proper boundaries, and doesn''t take ownership of her behaviors. You are SOOO RIGHT. You offer great advice when you say my DH is going to be accustomed to this behavior and getting him to see that his mom is behaving poorly is not easy. He did consult with his older brother about it, so it sounds like he was seeking another opinion to understand what''s "right". I can tell from what you have said that going forward, I will need to always remain calm, explain myself carefully without name-calling, and be as rational as possible when it comes to family problems.

Thanks for your kind words. I have dealt with her for over 17 years. I think I am a kind and fair person, by no means perfect, but a good wife, mother, friend...I would have been an excellent daughter in law if she had laid off of me. It is truly her loss now, not that she gets that. She thinks I excluded her and favor my mom, which are two separate issues, since of course my mom comes first to me, but she got excluded as a consequence to her behaviors, not just on a whim. She thinks I am spoiled and spend HER SON''s money too freely (less goes to her then, though she is amply taken care of)...she is simply one who likes to find fault no matter what, and is determined not to be happy or mellow or leave things alone. I only give you my words of experience because our worst fights were about his family and their actions, and it took a toll. So I learned to bitch to my pals about most things regarding her, and go to hubby for the important things, when I needed his support and intervention. Of course he knows how I feel, but it is not being talked about all of the time so he is more able to hear me when I really need him to.

Yes, I have the feeling that his family could be a source of tremendous ugliness if I''m not careful. Perhaps I''ll just take "time-outs" when my blood begins to boil. I can see that this incident brought out a lot of harsh feelings and I don''t want to have too many more of these. DF, what do you do when it comes to family gatherings? Like Thanksgiving or other holidays? Do you include her? Avoid her? Are you "nice" to her or just civil or do you ignore her? Is it worth forcing a smile? What has your lifestyle been regarding your MIL? I hope you don''t mind me asking - you just have some really great advice (unfortunately from experience), so I''m wondering how you handle the interactions? Do you face them or make sure you are "busy"?

Thanks for listening and replying DF - it REALLY helps!

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/9/2007 11:34:33 PM
Author: poptart
Well, I was in the house for the ''talk'' they had, but she didn''t want me to be in the room or anything. I had assumed that''s what it was about due to the timing, and DH just confirmed that. He doesn''t cover for her because it''s really not worth his trouble. He admits that she has some problems, and so now he just stays out of the way of the family fumbles unless sucked in by his mother. When that happens he actually tells everyone the way he feels about the situation, and is done with the matter. It took a couple years for him to work up to doing this, but it helps with both of our stress levels.

Another thing... do not EVER talk to your MIL about any type of frustration you have with your DH. I made that mistake and wish I hadn''t said anything because that entire conversation just made me feel horrible.

Do you live near your MIL? We live far away and it has helped immensely. She was here for two weeks recently and DH actually had to take a day''s break from her because he just couldn''t stand her that day. So small doses can help.
*M*

Ick - you were there and she didn''t address you? Ick. That would make me feel awful. I would stop talking with her.

I would have to agree, never talk about your DH with anyone but your DH. Ok, if you are at wits end, talk to your own mother or a trusted friend or all of us but NEVER his family. He will always be right to them and you will always be wrong.

Hell, I don''t talk about anything but the weather or sports with his family. That''s how rumors start. The mother and sister are impossible because it''s all about name-dropping and one-upmanship. It''s so annoying. Even talking about the weather is risky because their channel is more right.

The MIL is 30 minutes away in the summer, and in FL in the winter. I wished we lived further - like across an ocean would be nice.

 

[poptart]

Date: 7/10/2007 12:03:35 AM
Author: starryeyed

Date: 7/9/2007 11:34:33 PM

Author: poptart

Well, I was in the house for the 'talk' they had, but she didn't want me to be in the room or anything. I had assumed that's what it was about due to the timing, and DH just confirmed that. He doesn't cover for her because it's really not worth his trouble. He admits that she has some problems, and so now he just stays out of the way of the family fumbles unless sucked in by his mother. When that happens he actually tells everyone the way he feels about the situation, and is done with the matter. It took a couple years for him to work up to doing this, but it helps with both of our stress levels.


Another thing... do not EVER talk to your MIL about any type of frustration you have with your DH. I made that mistake and wish I hadn't said anything because that entire conversation just made me feel horrible.


Do you live near your MIL? We live far away and it has helped immensely. She was here for two weeks recently and DH actually had to take a day's break from her because he just couldn't stand her that day. So small doses can help.

*M*

Ick - you were there and she didn't address you? Ick. That would make me feel awful. I would stop talking with her.


I would have to agree, never talk about your DH with anyone but your DH. Ok, if you are at wits end, talk to your own mother or a trusted friend or all of us but NEVER his family. He will always be right to them and you will always be wrong.


Hell, I don't talk about anything but the weather or sports with his family. That's how rumors start. The mother and sister are impossible because it's all about name-dropping and one-upmanship. It's so annoying. Even talking about the weather is risky because their channel is more right.


The MIL is 30 minutes away in the summer, and in FL in the winter. I wished we lived further - like across an ocean would be nice.

Well, actually, in the situation where I was talking with her he WAS wrong. He had done a stupid thing and she agreed, but talking about it with her just put a bad taste in my mouth.

I probably sound like I can't stand her or something, which isn't the case. I really do love her, and in smaller doses I like to spend time and talk with her. But the longer you spend with people, the more you see their inconsistencies and faults. And in some cases these things can be quite annoying. But she has done some very nice things for DH and I; there are just certain aspects that get under my skin still. I think it's important to learn to live with the faults and be sincerely nice if you can. If you can't be all chummy with her, at least don't be guilty of false sincerity. You never know, in time things may get better. It honestly took about 4 or 5 years though before MIL and I were on a similar plane. And moving away helped a lot, too, haha. Sometimes she still confuses/irks me, but when that happens I keep it to myself or chuckle about it with a friend, but don't bother DH about it unless it's kind of a funny incident, then we both just roll our eyes and move on.

*M*

ETA: If she is so close does she always drop by without notice and things like that? DH and I made the decision that when we do move closer to family, we will live enough away that she has to at least call before "just dropping by." Having some type of boundary like this will probably help with your anxiety and frustration with facing her.

 

[diamondfan]

Starry, one of the toughest things for me is to get over being treated like crap for all these years. So, while I allow that hubby feels she needs to be invited to things (including to participate in traveling with us often) I find that I have yet to find my inner peace about her and how to cope with her various annoying and downright obnoxious actions. I tell myself that it is for a short time, that I can manage, that I should be the bigger person, know who and what she is and let it roll off of me. THEN she arrives and all bets are off. She is provacative, childish, nasty, does not listen, passive aggressive, you name it. She acts like an ass in front of my kids, the older two see it and know she is a pain. (The youngest does not see that yet). I always used to tell hubby that if she were just awful to me I could manage, since I am an adult, but she is a twit all around and does not hold back, even in front of my kids. As a grandmother she sucks too. She has been disrespectful and willful, and has tantrumed when she does not get her way, all in front of her grandsons. Just lovely. So, as much as I steel myself and think I have grown immune to her stuff, once I am back in the midst of it it IS tough for me. And what bugs me the most is I am not at all by nature a nasty or temperamental person, nor am I an impatient or harsh, but she just seems to bring it out in me. Bottom line is if hubby says she is coming, she usually does, and I do my best. Sometimes that means giving her our spare car when she visits us at home, letting her go off and amuse herself. This takes me out the equation, and I can have lunch with a pal or make a cell phone call without having to invite her or having to hide from her busy body ears. I can go get a manicure without taking her for one and being mortified by her treatment of the people in my salon. When we go on trips with her, I often go off to get a massage or shop or stroll around, and either take one or more of my kids with me or leave them with my siiter. My middle son HATES her with a passion, she is nasty to him for no reason and is so not a grandmother in her actions. I try to use her ways to teach my kids something, but frankly it stinks when your grandmother is a total pill and ruins things for everyone with her bad attitude. Hubby gets a dose usually, she makes him nuts, and he decides she should not come back for awhile, but then son guilt comes into play and we go through it all over again. He kind of put it out there that can I just manage, she won't be around forever (it will just SEEM like it) and since he gives me a wonderful life, I do oblige it, since I imagine it stinks to have your wife despise your mother and to know on some level your mother does truly deserve it.

 

[poptart]

Date: 7/10/2007 12:15:28 AM
Author: diamondfan
Starry, one of the toughest things for me is to get over being treated like crap for all these years. So, while I allow that hubby feels she needs to be invited to things (including to participate in traveling with us often) I find that I have yet to find my inner peace about her and how to cope with her various annoying and downright obnoxious actions. I tell myself that it is for a short time, that I can manage, that I should be the bigger person, know who and what she is and let it roll off of me. THEN she arrives and all bets are off. She is provacative, childish, nasty, does not listen, passive aggressive, you name it. She acts like an ass in front of my kids, the older two see it and know she is a pain. (The youngest does not see that yet). I always used to tell hubby that if she were just awful to me I could manage, since I am an adult, but she is a twit all around and does not hold back, even in front of my kids. As a grandmother she sucks too. She has been disrespectful and willful, and has tantrumed when she does not get her way, all in front of her grandsons. Just lovely. So, as much as I steel myself and think I have grown immune to her stuff, once I am back in the midst of it it IS tough for me. And what bugs me the most is I am not at all by nature a nasty or temperamental person, nor am I an impatient or harsh, but she just seems to bring it out in me. Bottom line is if hubby says she is coming, she usually does, and I do my best. Sometimes that means giving her our spare car when she visits us at home, letting her go off and amuse herself. This takes me out the equation, and I can have lunch with a pal or make a cell phone call without having to invite her or having to hide from her busy body ears. I can go get a manicure without taking her for one and being mortified by her treatment of the people in my salon. When we go on trips with her, I often go off to get a massage or shop or stroll around, and either take one or more of my kids with me or leave them with my siiter. My middle son HATES her with a passion, she is nasty to him for no reason and is so not a grandmother in her actions. I try to use her ways to teach my kids something, but frankly it stinks when your grandmother is a total pill and ruins things for everyone with her bad attitude. Hubby gets a dose usually, she makes him nuts, and he decides she should not come back for awhile, but then son guilt comes into play and we go through it all over again. He kind of put it out there that can I just manage, she won''t be around forever (it will just SEEM like it) and since he gives me a wonderful life, I do oblige it, since I imagine it stinks to have your wife despise your mother and to know on some level your mother does truly deserve it.

That is tough Diamondfan. I just wanted to say that you sound like a strong person being able to handle all of that and maintain your manners and sanity. Has she always been like this? I mean, for all of your DH''s life, or was it a result of a particular situation/ environment. I know a lot of my MIL issues come from having a difficult life, which does make me feel a little guilty sometimes, because I have had so few serious problems in mine.

*M*

 

[diamondfan]

Starry, sorry for any jacking, but hope it has some relavance!!!

Pop, I would absolutely say she had it tough. An older sister with severe mental retardation, not a lot of money, growing up during the war in England, parents not loving or supportive, going without a lot of what we take for granted. And while I have empathy for that, no offense, that was in the 1940''s, and while it impacts and shapes you for sure, that is not the only reason why you treat your daughter in law like crap and act like a spoiled twit if you are told no. I am the first person to have empathy and compassion, but at a certain point you must realize that things are better now and try to move on in a way that works. Not that you forget your past and what happened, but still move forward in a healthy way. If you ask my armchair dx, I would say yes, in some form, she has always been this way. She was a tough girl, left home for good at 17, traveled the world, met my father in law, came to a new country. All of that is admirable and great and I give her kudos for it, but the fact remains she is not nice, and I think it is a bit of her upbringing and then a terrible marriage that honed it. I ask hubby what she was like as he was growing up, he says she always took loads of pride in him and his sister, to the exclusion of her hubby, and yet as much as she loved her kids (almost too much, she still has a tough time realizing they are adults) she was never what I would consider motherly and normal in her actions. How much she deviated from the range of normal acceptable behaviors I cannot say, but when I met her in 1989, she was certainly off kilter in MY book, and has only gotten a bit more strange with time. Aside from the quirks, she is simply a selfish lady. She is pretty much impossible to deal with. And I have met other people who survived terrible things in their childhoods, and suffered too, and they are not at all like she is. So in a chicken and egg sense it is tough to really pinpoint or attribute a specific thing that shaped her, but it all comingled into this wretched person I get to spend every Christmas and Spring Break and at least two other weeks of my life with! I always think, that that does not kill us makes us stronger, or at least makes us nuts!!!

 

[Harleigh]

Oh, you poor ladies! I dated a man whose mother was already like that, and his sister wasn''t much better. Luckily, I didn''t see him as "the one," so it wasn''t too hard to walk away after only 6 months! My future MIL is wonderful, and has been for the past 15 years I''ve known her, but I agree that you never know what could happen.

To be honest, I worry more about my own mom than my FF''s! Sad to say, but she is really set in her own ways and can''t imagine why on earth others wouldn''t like to do something her way (because her way, of course, is the ONLY way!) or she looks down on others for not choosing what she would choose, etc...

You all have my sympathies, but I honestly think it is best to discuss your feelings and set the tone for the rest of your life...heaven forbid they feel like they can do these things all the time and get away with!

Best of luck!

Harleigh

 

[Cehrabehra]

First of all, you are right and she is wrong. Without a doubt. You have every right to be offended, hurt, and pissed off. She was out of line.

And everyone knows that. Everyone.

I would try to be as gracious as possible at this point, I would hate for you to drag yourself down to her even a *little* lest she use that to (try to) justify her behavior. In the big scheme it is small potatoes. She was rude. You''re probably in for a long ride of this.... choose your battles, hug your husband, and try to keep some perspective. She was wrong. You know it. Everyone knows it. Likely she knows it too. But you aren''t going to gain much by rubbing her nose in it. Chances are she already feels she lost something when her son married you. I''m a mom of boys... I already hate my daughter inlaws for taking them away from me and they''re both under 10! LOL