Mother-in-Law Cut my Wedding "Cake"!

[starryeyed]

Can you believe it??

We had a small destination wedding. My mother and I went to the bathroom after our main course dishes were cleared. When we returned, my MIL was cutting my wedding "cake"!

I was dumbfounded and couldn''t speak. The wedding cake was actually a fruit tart because I don''t like cake, but that shouldn''t have mattered. I had explained several times earlier in the trip that I didn''t like cake and was having a non-traditional "cake". I further explained that a special family friend had given me a Lenox knife that I brought with me to cut our dessert. How could she have done this???

Fortunately, the resort had made two tarts for us, so I was able to cut the second one and get pictures. However, I have yet to receive an apology. According to some other guests, she was tired of waiting, grabbed the dessert, cut a piece for herself and one for her husband so she could "get to bed".

My now husband asked her about it and she said she "didn''t realize". She blamed my father, who is the quintessential gentleman, saying he asked her to cut the dessert. My father and several other guests confirmed that this is not true. I''m in shock over the whole thing - the rudeness, the false blame, the lack of an apology, etc.

I have asked my DH to tell his mother that I expect an apology. So far, nothing. She''s acting like nothing happened. In the meantime, I am incredibly upset - was she trying to ruin the reception??

Any advice for me?

 

[Skippy123]

Oh Starryeyed, that is awful! I am glad they had other fruit tarts, but still. The only thing I can think of is that she is really embarrassed, but she should apologize.

How was the wedding? Congrats!!! I can't wait to see your ring!!!

 

[luckystar112]

I agree with you that it was rude of you MIL to cut your "cake" without you.
But, I think you should let it go. Do you really want to start off your marriage (a merging of families) fighting with you MIL? I think you are overreacting with the "Was she trying to ruin the reception" thing. A lot worse has happened!
Be glad that you got a picture with the other tart. Be glad you had a beautiful wedding. Be glad these people flew out to be with you on your special day. I'm sure the wedding was beautiful and wonderful beyond this. As awful as it is, I think you should choose your battles wisely. And if you can't, tell her YOURSELF that you would like an apology...don't get your DH into it. I don't think that's fair to him.

Congrats on your wedding!

 

[starryeyed]

Hi Skippy! Nice to "see" you! Yes, I've been MIA for a while, taking care of details, getting the legal matters settled, and then actually getting married. I just got back and had an almost flawless wedding, with the exception of the MIL. She's lucky she wasn't wearing the fruit tart!

Probably good advice Lucky. I feel I need to clear the air and I'm not sure that me demanding the apology is really the right thing to do. I feel like I'm at that crucial point where the groundwork for our future relationship is being set. I don't want to be someone who can be disrespected and treated like a doormat going forward.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 7/6/2007 11:17:47 PM
Author: starryeyed
Hi Skippy! Nice to 'see' you! Yes, I've been MIA for a while, taking care of details, getting the legal matters settled, and then actually getting married. I just got back and had an almost flawless wedding, with the exception of the MIL. She's lucky she wasn't wearing the fruit tart!

LOL, sorry to laugh but it sounded funny. We missed you; glad it was great otherwise!

If it bothers you in a few days have a chat w/her like Luckystar says.

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/6/2007 11:19:30 PM
Author: Skippy123
LOL, sorry to laugh but it sounded funny. We missed you; glad it was great otherwise. If it bothers you in a few days have a chat w/her like Luckystar says.

Would have made quite the photo, right? I''d probably feel better.

I missed you and the pricescope gang too!

 

[Kaleigh]

I do think it was rude, and out of line. But thank goodness there was another tart for you to cut, and that you got pics of that. Not sure what she was thinking. But take some time.... I think picking battles is key. You know her, we don''t. Hopefully you have wonderful memories of your wedding, don''t let this take away from them.

Please post pics for us!!

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 7/6/2007 11:33:31 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I do think it was rude, and out of line. But thank goodness there was another tart for you to cut, and that you got pics of that. Not sure what she was thinking. But take some time.... I think picking battles is key. You know her, we don''t. Hopefully you have wonderful memories of your wedding, don''t let this take away from them.


Please post pics for us!!

ditto on the pics

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, that''s seriously shocking that she did that! I don''t mean to add fuel to the fire, but I feel like something like this that might seem like a small gesture actually speaks volumes. If it were me, I''d just assume that she was saying something in a passive aggressive manner by doing that, unless she''s truly just a clueless type.

The bride and groom ALWAYS cut the cake together...it''s a big wedding tradition! That''s just crazy that she would cut your cake (or fruit tart, as the case may be) herself! And then to LIE about it and try to blame your father?! Wow.

Sorry, I really don''t mean to get you more riled up. I''m just so blown away and it''s not even my wedding or MIL!

I actually disagree with lucky...I think your husband should have been the one to talk to your MIL about it instead of you. But since he already has and she hasn''t apologized to you, I''m not sure what the next step should be. I guess you could just try speaking with her in a calm manner about it yourself and telling her how upset she made you when she cut your cake.

I feel like a apology given after a demand for one isn''t really an apology at all, though, so I wouldn''t bother demanding one. I would just let her know how you feel and go from there.

 

[TravelingGal]

Congrats on being a wife!

Well, if that is the biggest glitch you had, it sounds like you had a lovely wedding.

But I agree...that was pretty damn clueless!

Of course, "get over it" is the normal advice I give...but I can understand how you''re just so flabbergasted that it will take awhile. So how about you do things like open her Christmas gifts? Or start rearranging stuff in her house and say it looks better that way? Or maybe go through her purse nonchalantly when you are both sitting there one day. Tell her you''re looking for chapstick.

You too, can be clueless!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 7/6/2007 11:34:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Congrats on being a wife!


Well, if that is the biggest glitch you had, it sounds like you had a lovely wedding.

But I agree...that was pretty damn clueless!

Of course, ''get over it'' is the normal advice I give...but I can understand how you''re just so flabbergasted that it will take awhile. So how about you do things like open her Christmas gifts? Or start rearranging stuff in her house and say it looks better that way? Or maybe go through her purse nonchalantly when you are both sitting there one day. Tell her you''re looking for chapstick.

You too, can be clueless!

Hahaha...I love these ideas! Hilarious, TG!

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/6/2007 11:33:31 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I do think it was rude, and out of line. But thank goodness there was another tart for you to cut, and that you got pics of that. Not sure what she was thinking. But take some time.... I think picking battles is key. You know her, we don''t. Hopefully you have wonderful memories of your wedding, don''t let this take away from them.
Please post pics for us!!

thanks Kaleigh. I''m really upset, so I definitely need the perspective of time. I can''t help but think though that this will be part of my memory of my wedding day forever - the totally abject, boorish behavior of my MIL.

My jaw had almost hit the floor when I saw what she had done. I was brought up with traditions, manners, civility, etc. and this shook me to my core. I''m hoping that once the photographer sends pictures, the memory will become more distant.

 

[VRBeauty]

Post here and vent it out. And... in the future, don''t turn your back on MIL!

BTW a fruit tart sounds like yummy

alternative wedding cake!

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/6/2007 11:34:56 PM
Author: thing2of2
Wow, that''s seriously shocking that she did that! I don''t mean to add fuel to the fire, but I feel like something like this that might seem like a small gesture actually speaks volumes. If it were me, I''d just assume that she was saying something in a passive aggressive manner by doing that, unless she''s truly just a clueless type.

The bride and groom ALWAYS cut the cake together...it''s a big wedding tradition! That''s just crazy that she would cut your cake (or fruit tart, as the case may be) herself! And then to LIE about it and try to blame your father?! Wow.

Sorry, I really don''t mean to get you more riled up. I''m just so blown away and it''s not even my wedding or MIL!

I actually disagree with lucky...I think your husband should have been the one to talk to your MIL about it instead of you. But since he already has and she hasn''t apologized to you, I''m not sure what the next step should be. I guess you could just try speaking with her in a calm manner about it yourself and telling her how upset she made you when she cut your cake.

I feel like a apology given after a demand for one isn''t really an apology at all, though, so I wouldn''t bother demanding one. I would just let her know how you feel and go from there.

Thanks thing2of2. I''m glad you understand how utterly crazy this seems to me. I''m not sure of her motivation - I think it was a combination - she had too much to drink and she''s a moron.

 

[Kaleigh]

I don''t blame you one bit. Frankly I''d be super pissed. Tried to hold back with my first post. But yeah, cutting the the cake, in your case the Tart, is a huge tradition. So you have every right to feel the way you do. I''m sorry, love TG''s helpful hints. Be strong going forward if she is the passive aggresssive type you have my sympathies. Just hold your ground going forward.

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/6/2007 11:34:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Congrats on being a wife!
Well, if that is the biggest glitch you had, it sounds like you had a lovely wedding.
But I agree...that was pretty damn clueless!
Of course, 'get over it' is the normal advice I give...but I can understand how you're just so flabbergasted that it will take awhile. So how about you do things like open her Christmas gifts? Or start rearranging stuff in her house and say it looks better that way? Or maybe go through her purse nonchalantly when you are both sitting there one day. Tell her you're looking for chapstick.
You too, can be clueless!

Thanks TG. Your humor helps for sure!

You also offer a good perspective - everything else was perfect and that's what I should dwell on. I love my DH - I just can't believe he's not adopted!

I'm off to move the scissors to a remote drawer, throw away all of the toilet paper, and shake all of the soda in the fridge..... Kidding. Thankfully she lives 30 minutes away!

 

[door knob solitaire]

I don't know if it will make you feel any better...but I agree your MIL was a real poopyhead! I can not believe ANY woman would do that. Would you do it at a birthday party before the candles and song? No. This was a WEDDING...knock knock...you got anything between those ears???

But frankly...where was everyone else? I realize you were indisposed...but your mother(edited: I just re-read your mother was with you)...or MOH or ANYONE??? No one was willing to put her in her place? It isn't just women who know the wedding cake procedure.

The problem with apologies is they really need to be sincere and come from the person. Not be prompted by cattle prodding...especially with HER...I don't think anything she says after being told she had to, would be satisfactory to you. I think you would leave feeling violated again. I bet she is toiling at bed time. Tossing and turning and saying to herself WHY did I do that? The sad part is ...an apology would clear her conscience and she would no longer toil. Not sure which is better...her in a continual toil mode...if she remains there it just may be one of the best wedding gifts you were bestowed. You see...she just may refrain from instilling her aggressive behavior in the future.

So, that is the way I would choose to deal with it. Move on and up...just tread cautiously, you know now what you have to work with.

DKS

We need non cake wedding photos...oh, remember there is now Photoshop...you can actually get a photo of you cutting any cake you want!!

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/6/2007 11:43:59 PM
Author: MINIMS
Post here and vent it out. And... in the future, don''t turn your back on MIL!
BTW a fruit tart sounds like yummy

alternative wedding cake!

The fruit tart was divine! Nice presentation to with all of the colorful tropical fruit too!

You guys are great and help me for sure! Thanks Kaleigh for "letting loose"! I''m furious. DH has said that I''m off the hook for family visits until this matter is resolved. I feel grateful that he understands, agrees, and wants to make it "right". I''d be filing for an annulment if he didn''t!

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/6/2007 11:54:42 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
I don''t know if it will make you feel any better...but I agree your MIL was a real poopyhead! I can not believe ANY woman would do that. Would you do it at a birthday party before the candles and song? No. This was a WEDDING...knock knock...you got anything between those ears???
But frankly...where was everyone else? I realize you were indisposed...but your mother...or MOH or ANYONE??? No one was willing to put her in her place? It isn''t just women who know the wedding cake procedure.

She was so brazen about it that the other guests were in shock. My mother and I were in the bathroom. It was my mother thankfully who stopped her when we returned. All I could do (along with several other guests) was stand there shocked saying, "Oh my God." Afterall, how do you respond gracefully to someone doing something so inappropriate? No one knew what to say. No one wanted to ruin the wedding cake with ugliness, regardless of her rudeness.

You are right about the apology. It''s only redemptive when the person means it - lip service makes you feel worse. We''ll see.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/6/2007 11:51:11 PM
Author: starryeyed

Date: 7/6/2007 11:34:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Congrats on being a wife!
Well, if that is the biggest glitch you had, it sounds like you had a lovely wedding.
But I agree...that was pretty damn clueless!
Of course, ''get over it'' is the normal advice I give...but I can understand how you''re just so flabbergasted that it will take awhile. So how about you do things like open her Christmas gifts? Or start rearranging stuff in her house and say it looks better that way? Or maybe go through her purse nonchalantly when you are both sitting there one day. Tell her you''re looking for chapstick.
You too, can be clueless!

Thanks TG. Your humor helps for sure!

You also offer a good perspective - everything else was perfect and that''s what I should dwell on. I love my DH - I just can''t believe he''s not adopted!

I''m off to move the scissors to a remote drawer, throw away all of the toilet paper, and shake all of the soda in the fridge..... Kidding. Thankfully she lives 30 minutes away!

Kidding? Girl, now yer TALKIN!

 

[luckystar112]

Has your MIL done anything else rude like this in the past, or is she just a loopy gal in general?

 

[SeattleSparkle]

I''m soooo sorry! That is insane. That''s even worse than wearing white in my opinion.

Did she ever think that it was a big moment for her son too?

 

[risingsun]

Of all things that could have happened at a wedding, this one literally "takes the cake!" Does this woman have a history of inappropriate behavior? I would be furious, too! My clinical opinion is that she's JPN [just plain nuts!]

 

[snlee]

Wow! I'm shocked your MIL did that! How rude! Cutting the cake (in your case tart) is a big wedding tradition! Thank goodness there was another tart for you to cut for picture purposes. When I read your post, I couldn't help but wonder how does your husband feel about it?? If MY mother did that, I'd be super pissed at her and I'd definitely have some words with her! I agree with thing2of2. I think your husband should be the one to talk with her.

Other than that very rude incident, sounds like you had a wonderful wedding! Congratulations!

 

[diamondfan]

That is beyond the pale to me. It is your wedding! She needs her dessert NOW so she can get to bed?! I have never heard anything so ridiculous. And then to lie and blame your dad? Bad enough for her to treat your wedding like a buffet, and go behind your back and help herself to cake (or tart as the case may be) but to actually LIE about it and act like she did not get that this might not be okay? I am pretty speechless and totally understand how you feel. I am so sorry. You may be able to get hubby to get her to apologize but he cannot make her mean it or get it, so I am not sure how it will make you feel when it happens. And of course picking battles is key, this stinks to have this be on your wedding day. Of course you have things to think about that are great, and you had a spare for pictures, but I would set boundaries now, firmly but clearly. It just galls me that she took it upon herself to do this when cutting the cake is SUCH a huge tradition. It became all about her and what she wanted, and going to bed was clearly more important than behaving right.

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/7/2007 12:35:27 AM
Author: luckystar112
Has your MIL done anything else rude like this in the past, or is she just a loopy gal in general?

She doesn''t seem to have a sense of propriety. She doesn''t wait for the cook to sit down or for everyone to be served before she starts eating. She doesn''t know how to use a soup spoon. Stuff like that. Her one daughter is extremely rude, and now I see it''s because she doesn''t know any better. The mother never taught her how to behave.

The one positive thing for me is that the rosy-colored glasses are off. I thought she was a much more well-mannered person and I couldn''t understand a bunch of things she had done. Now everything is crystal clear - she''s ignorant and doesn''t know any better. I guess it''s better I lower my expectations now.

It''s not that she''s a nasty person, although she is highly competitive. One of those types who puts on every crappy piece of jewelery she owns to make herself feel important. Ugh.

 

[NYCsparkle]

well at the next big family get together at her house start eating the desserts before she brings them out or stick your finger in one to yaste the icing...lol...just kidding

let it go unless she does something else rude. you don''t want to start a marriage this way...not to say its not right, but what good would a fake apology be at this point? chalk it up to no manners and if something like it happenss again confront her THEN about it. your wedding day wasn''t the time or place. congrats on your otherwise perfect day!!

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/7/2007 12:47:11 AM
Author: diamondfan
That is beyond the pale to me. It is your wedding! She needs her dessert NOW so she can get to bed?! I have never heard anything so ridiculous. And then to lie and blame your dad? Bad enough for her to treat your wedding like a buffet, and go behind your back and help herself to cake (or tart as the case may be) but to actually LIE about it and act like she did not get that this might not be okay? I am pretty speechless and totally understand how you feel. I am so sorry.

Hi DF! Nice to see you!

You hit the nail right on the head - exactly! Well-put - treating my wedding like a buffet, going behind my back, lying, blaming my dad.

Totally unreal, right? Thanks for understanding! I just hope I can get over it - it''s going to be VERY hard for me.

 

[surfgirl]

starry, first of all CONGRATULATIONS on your marriage! That's wonderful and it sounds like it was a lovely day, despite The Great Fruit Tart Debacle of 2007!

That said, I agree with all sides mentioned...Yes, you need to let go, for your own sake. Dont let it ruin an otherwise lovely and special day. But I also think it says something about her lack of respect for you and her son in general. She's just plain trashy in my opinion. That said, if she hasn't apologized to you by the time you get your wedding photos back, why not just send her a photo of the tart already with pieces missing, in a nice frame, instead of a photo of her son and you? If you dont have a photo of the decimated tart, how about photo-shopping it to look like it did when you came out of the bathroom? I'm sure many here would be happy to lend a photo-shop hand in need! Perhaps the next time she's at your house for dinner or a meal, you can make it a point to say clearly and loudly that nobody will be served until everything is set out on the table and everyone is present and accounted for. She sounds like she needs to be treated like a child, and taught how to behave properly. In fact, I need to stop typing because I'm getting pissed just thinking about this...

 

[starryeyed]

Date: 7/7/2007 12:36:21 AM
Author: SeattleSparkle

I''m soooo sorry! That is insane. That''s even worse than wearing white in my opinion.

Did she ever think that it was a big moment for her son too?

I''m not sure she is capable of "thinking" at this point!

Quite frankly, I am almost embarrassed to be talking about this because it makes me wonder if I should have been more careful about choosing a MIL. Like, I feel like it''s a reflection on my decision-making ability or something. I can''t help but wonder if she hasn''t been covering up some "white-trash" roots or something....

Confusing emotions to say the least.....