Mother/Daughter Relationships (sorry, long)

[jjc]

Date: 3/25/2009 8:52:48 AM
Author: Ellen
He's 25. It's such a long, complicated story, and I don't want to threadjack, but suffice it to say, he won't even try to better his life. And I can't make him. So it's a very sad situation.

Hi Ellen, I'd also wanted to comment to your previous post, but didn't want to intrude, but I just wanted you to know that your sharing this was part of what I was thanking you for - you see, my older brother is just like what you've described, and I've finally realized that I can't help him, no matter how hard I try. I know how sad and exhausting it must be for you, I'm really sorry

((((((hugs))))))) from me too

 

[Ellen]

Aw, thank you jj, I really appreciate that. And I''m also sorry for your brother, it''s tough, isn''t it? {{{hugs back}}}

 

[VRBeauty]

jjc: I have no way to offer you the level and quality of input you''ve already received here. There are times when this community just blows me away, and this is one of them. I''m so glad you decided to come in from the lurk!

The only thing I''d add (and please feel free to ignore this) is, please don''t rule out the options of a support group or professional help for you. Either can help you gain perspective on the upcoming separation or the impacts of growing up in such an abusive home.

((((((( hugs! )))))))

 

[jjc]

Hi VRBeauty! That''s great advice, and I totally wouldn''t ignore it, but I''ve tried therapy and unfortunately I had a HORRIBLE experience that really traumatized me

But luckily I''ve been working through my dad stuff for years, and I''m happy to say that I''ve resolved most of those issues

However, I am totally all for my SO and I going to pre-marriage counseling, and then I want us to go to therapy before we have kids, to safeguard against me passing on any of the underlying icky remnants of my childhood.

I agree that PS is an amazing community and I''m so glad I posted - all of the advice and support I''ve received has made, and will continue to make, this whole time so much easier, thank you!!

 

[heb1976]

Ellen, Thank you so much for your care and concern, both you and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers. {{{{hugs to you as well }}}}

jjc, for some reason my response to you didn''t post. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that your going through this and that you are a very sweet and wonderful daughter!

 

[jjc]

Thanks for your post heb1976!

And ((((((huge hugs)))))) I''m very sorry about your brother

 

[LaraOnline]

jjc, I have only just rediscovered this thread...
I am so very glad that you are coming to terms with the family situation you have.
Truly, your mother would not want you to ''suffer'' to show her you love her.
TG has a wonderful perspective for you, has she not?

My granny had an interesting experience which may be of some use to you as well.
Like TG, our family had cast Grandpa in the role of ''tyrant'' (which he may well have been, I was too young to really know) and when he finally died, everyone was very excited about granny''s opportunities... to buy a television (!), to get a new radio (!) and to FINALLY travel over to the UK and visit her second child, who had run away as a teenager, and her two English-born grandchildren still living there...

Anyway, poor Granny actually had a total melt down! The shock from her husband''s sudden death had a huge impact on her, and on her experience of the rest of her life.

Love can be complicated. Co-dependence is complicated. Your mother perhaps receives some kind of love or value from being with your father, and within herself she has made a bargain (still current) to stay and participate within the marriage as best she can...

The best present she has is YOU. And that means you are required to live and love to the full!!! *heart*

 

[jjc]

Date: 3/29/2009 1:40:37 AM
Author: LaraOnline
jjc, I have only just rediscovered this thread...

I am so very glad that you are coming to terms with the family situation you have.

Truly, your mother would not want you to 'suffer' to show her you love her.

TG has a wonderful perspective for you, has she not?


My granny had an interesting experience which may be of some use to you as well.

Like TG, our family had cast Grandpa in the role of 'tyrant' (which he may well have been, I was too young to really know) and when he finally died, everyone was very excited about granny's opportunities... to buy a television (!), to get a new radio (!) and to FINALLY travel over to the UK and visit her second child, who had run away as a teenager, and her two English-born grandchildren still living there...


Anyway, poor Granny actually had a total melt down! The shock from her husband's sudden death had a huge impact on her, and on her experience of the rest of her life.


Love can be complicated. Co-dependence is complicated. Your mother perhaps receives some kind of love or value from being with your father, and within herself she has made a bargain (still current) to stay and participate within the marriage as best she can...


The best present she has is YOU. And that means you are required to live and love to the full!!! *heart*

Hi Lara! Thank you so much for your kindness. I'm so sorry about your Granny, it really is amazing how unpredictable the human psyche is and I know these seemingly contradictory reactions all too well. My mom actually started being very frank with me about the realities of her relationship with my dad as I've gotten older, so I'd come to terms with that. The thing that made me so sad and BOILING mad was the fact that they had to move to Korea. BUT! We spent the loveliest day together today, laughing, eating, window shopping, and also discussing all the reasons why we are the kick-ass-est mother daughter team to handle this (read: yet another) hideous situation

I actually wanted to do an update to let all you wonderful ladies know how much all of your advice really helped me - instead of being paralyzed with guilt and sadness, I got to enjoy a day of us both cracking up constantly and coming up with real ways to make the next 2 years the best they can be. Thank you all, words cannot begin to describe how grateful I am

 

[jjc]

Date: 3/29/2009 2:40:56 AM
Author: jjc
Hi Lara! Thank you so much for your kindness. I'm so sorry about your Granny, it really is amazing how unpredictable the human psyche is and I know these seemingly contradictory reactions all too well. My mom actually started being very frank with me about the realities of her relationship with my dad as I've gotten older, so I'd come to terms with that. The thing that made me so sad and BOILING mad was the fact that they had to move to Korea. BUT! We spent the loveliest day together today, laughing, eating, window shopping, and also discussing all the reasons why we are the kick-ass-est mother daughter team to handle this (read: yet another) hideous situation

I actually wanted to do an update to let all you wonderful ladies know how much all of your advice really helped me - instead of being paralyzed with guilt and sadness, I got to enjoy a day of us both cracking up constantly and coming up with real ways to make the next 2 years the best they can be. Thank you all, words cannot begin to describe how grateful I am

I just wanted to clarify what I've bolded, she only explained things because it was all intertwined with my own abuse (my dad came at me with the full force of his fury for many many years), and not that my mom casually shared inappropriate information with me.

Oomph - I'm sorry, I'm not being very clear, it's definitely time for bed

 

[LaraOnline]

jjc, I didn''t pick up any ''wierd vibes'' from that bolded part of your post at all!
(Just so you know for sure!)

anyway, all the best, hey! And keep on being successful in love and life - and HAPPY!

 

[jjc]

Thank you!