Hi, I’m new, but have seen that PS is such a wonderful community, and was hoping that I could just get some stuff that I’ve been carrying around, out. But first, a brief introduction, as I think I’ve crashed some of your threads and left you thinking “Huh? Who the heck is that?!?” (Sorry!) I first discovered and posted on PS at the end of last year on Rocky Talky, when there was nothing else left in the engagement talk left except getting ideas for the actual ring! (Thanks Ellen and Lorelei, who gave me such an amazing welcome to PS!) After realizing just how little I actually knew about diamonds, and how much information there was to absorb here on PS, I quickly retreated into lurkdom, up until about a month ago when my BF made us an introduction thread in LIW (thank you to all the lovely LIW for such amazing welcomes as well!).
Now for the topic of my post: as someone who’s about to be engaged and start my own life completely separate from my mom, is being the happiest I can be, and working hard at building the best life I can for myself, in fact, what will make my mom happiest – even though it makes my heart bleed that I have so much that my mom never had? Sorry for the terribly vague question, here’s some background: I am the youngest of two children, I have a brother who’s 6 years older (28 and 34). My dad is very emotionally and verbally abusive, and needless to say, my mom has borne the brunt of all manners of abuse for the entirety of my parents’ 34 year marriage (it started even before they were married, actually). My mom has spent her entire marriage appeasing my dad, doing countless things she’s hated doing, including making me do things to appease him (my mom’s an angel – it’s just that how my dad gets is so bad that doing anything else just isn’t worth it). I know that my mom has hated not being able to protect me from everything my dad’s subjected me to over the years, but she felt that staying together was the best thing for my brother and I (although I have always vehemently disagreed). I know that my mom did the best she could, and was so excited for me to be able to start my own life as soon as I started college. However, during college my parents came upon hard times financially, and after I graduated I moved back home and helped support my family for three years, until I started law school. My mom was again so excited for me to get away (from Southern to Northern California), and I looooooved my law school and really thrived. Unfortunately, I had to return home halfway into my first year because of more madness caused by my dad, and was helping out for another 3 years, until I went back to school this past August to a school in LA. And this time, again, my mom was overjoyed that I would really get to start my own life, and swore up and down that my dad had really changed (he hasn’t), and told me not to worry about her anymore. This time, it seemed like my dad had at least changed a tiny bit, and I was really hopeful that for once, my mom could be happy and treated well by my dad.
But a couple weeks ago, I found out that my parents are closing their business and moving to Korea, apparently that’s the only viable option for them right now. My mom tries to tell me that they’re just taking an extended vacation, but it makes me furious because I know that, once again, my mom suffers because of my dad – who has always forbidden her from working, and makes ALL decisions on his own (he gets enraged if anyone even tries to offer any kind of differing opinion). My mom and I are almost unnaturally close, because we’ve survived years of constant terror by leaning on each other – and now she’s going to have to be around my dad 24/7, and I can only see her a few times a year. And now I feel like she is purposefully creating some distance, as I’m about to get engaged and start my own life and family, because I know she’s hated every second that I’ve put my life on hold because of my dad and doesn’t want to me to do that again. But, of course, I would gladly do anything for my mom, and only wish that I could’ve done more.
Sorry if this is sounding like a gigantimo pity party – I really don’t mean for it to be. I have TONS to be grateful for, and have more blessings than any one person deserves. I’m with my best friend, who instinctively feels what I feel, and who has seen me through some of my darkest days. Nobody’s ever known or understood me like he does, and I really don’t know what I did to deserve him. When the final step before being fully admitted to the State Bar was finally certified recently (he’s been waiting for that ever since he passed the Bar in November), the first thing he said was “We’re one step closer! One step closer to getting married!!!!” (the only reason why we’re not married yet is our financial situation - he still hasn’t had any luck finding a job, poor thing) And I have a full scholarship to all three years of law school – which I appreciate infinitely more in these times! I’m just struggling a bit right now with letting myself be happy when I know my mom isn’t, and not feeling guilty for my great relationship although my mom tells me that knowing that I’m in such good hands makes everything she’s been through worth it. So I guess my question is: what can I do (short of financially – although I pray to win the lottery daily
) to be a better daughter and make my mom happy? If you’ve made it this far, thank you so so much for reading, and thanks for letting me get this out.
Now for the topic of my post: as someone who’s about to be engaged and start my own life completely separate from my mom, is being the happiest I can be, and working hard at building the best life I can for myself, in fact, what will make my mom happiest – even though it makes my heart bleed that I have so much that my mom never had? Sorry for the terribly vague question, here’s some background: I am the youngest of two children, I have a brother who’s 6 years older (28 and 34). My dad is very emotionally and verbally abusive, and needless to say, my mom has borne the brunt of all manners of abuse for the entirety of my parents’ 34 year marriage (it started even before they were married, actually). My mom has spent her entire marriage appeasing my dad, doing countless things she’s hated doing, including making me do things to appease him (my mom’s an angel – it’s just that how my dad gets is so bad that doing anything else just isn’t worth it). I know that my mom has hated not being able to protect me from everything my dad’s subjected me to over the years, but she felt that staying together was the best thing for my brother and I (although I have always vehemently disagreed). I know that my mom did the best she could, and was so excited for me to be able to start my own life as soon as I started college. However, during college my parents came upon hard times financially, and after I graduated I moved back home and helped support my family for three years, until I started law school. My mom was again so excited for me to get away (from Southern to Northern California), and I looooooved my law school and really thrived. Unfortunately, I had to return home halfway into my first year because of more madness caused by my dad, and was helping out for another 3 years, until I went back to school this past August to a school in LA. And this time, again, my mom was overjoyed that I would really get to start my own life, and swore up and down that my dad had really changed (he hasn’t), and told me not to worry about her anymore. This time, it seemed like my dad had at least changed a tiny bit, and I was really hopeful that for once, my mom could be happy and treated well by my dad.
But a couple weeks ago, I found out that my parents are closing their business and moving to Korea, apparently that’s the only viable option for them right now. My mom tries to tell me that they’re just taking an extended vacation, but it makes me furious because I know that, once again, my mom suffers because of my dad – who has always forbidden her from working, and makes ALL decisions on his own (he gets enraged if anyone even tries to offer any kind of differing opinion). My mom and I are almost unnaturally close, because we’ve survived years of constant terror by leaning on each other – and now she’s going to have to be around my dad 24/7, and I can only see her a few times a year. And now I feel like she is purposefully creating some distance, as I’m about to get engaged and start my own life and family, because I know she’s hated every second that I’ve put my life on hold because of my dad and doesn’t want to me to do that again. But, of course, I would gladly do anything for my mom, and only wish that I could’ve done more.
Sorry if this is sounding like a gigantimo pity party – I really don’t mean for it to be. I have TONS to be grateful for, and have more blessings than any one person deserves. I’m with my best friend, who instinctively feels what I feel, and who has seen me through some of my darkest days. Nobody’s ever known or understood me like he does, and I really don’t know what I did to deserve him. When the final step before being fully admitted to the State Bar was finally certified recently (he’s been waiting for that ever since he passed the Bar in November), the first thing he said was “We’re one step closer! One step closer to getting married!!!!” (the only reason why we’re not married yet is our financial situation - he still hasn’t had any luck finding a job, poor thing) And I have a full scholarship to all three years of law school – which I appreciate infinitely more in these times! I’m just struggling a bit right now with letting myself be happy when I know my mom isn’t, and not feeling guilty for my great relationship although my mom tells me that knowing that I’m in such good hands makes everything she’s been through worth it. So I guess my question is: what can I do (short of financially – although I pray to win the lottery daily
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