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Mother/Daughter Relationships (sorry, long)

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jjc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
559
Hi, I’m new, but have seen that PS is such a wonderful community, and was hoping that I could just get some stuff that I’ve been carrying around, out. But first, a brief introduction, as I think I’ve crashed some of your threads and left you thinking “Huh? Who the heck is that?!?” (Sorry!) I first discovered and posted on PS at the end of last year on Rocky Talky, when there was nothing else left in the engagement talk left except getting ideas for the actual ring! (Thanks Ellen and Lorelei, who gave me such an amazing welcome to PS!) After realizing just how little I actually knew about diamonds, and how much information there was to absorb here on PS, I quickly retreated into lurkdom, up until about a month ago when my BF made us an introduction thread in LIW (thank you to all the lovely LIW for such amazing welcomes as well!).

Now for the topic of my post: as someone who’s about to be engaged and start my own life completely separate from my mom, is being the happiest I can be, and working hard at building the best life I can for myself, in fact, what will make my mom happiest – even though it makes my heart bleed that I have so much that my mom never had? Sorry for the terribly vague question, here’s some background: I am the youngest of two children, I have a brother who’s 6 years older (28 and 34). My dad is very emotionally and verbally abusive, and needless to say, my mom has borne the brunt of all manners of abuse for the entirety of my parents’ 34 year marriage (it started even before they were married, actually). My mom has spent her entire marriage appeasing my dad, doing countless things she’s hated doing, including making me do things to appease him (my mom’s an angel – it’s just that how my dad gets is so bad that doing anything else just isn’t worth it). I know that my mom has hated not being able to protect me from everything my dad’s subjected me to over the years, but she felt that staying together was the best thing for my brother and I (although I have always vehemently disagreed). I know that my mom did the best she could, and was so excited for me to be able to start my own life as soon as I started college. However, during college my parents came upon hard times financially, and after I graduated I moved back home and helped support my family for three years, until I started law school. My mom was again so excited for me to get away (from Southern to Northern California), and I looooooved my law school and really thrived. Unfortunately, I had to return home halfway into my first year because of more madness caused by my dad, and was helping out for another 3 years, until I went back to school this past August to a school in LA. And this time, again, my mom was overjoyed that I would really get to start my own life, and swore up and down that my dad had really changed (he hasn’t), and told me not to worry about her anymore. This time, it seemed like my dad had at least changed a tiny bit, and I was really hopeful that for once, my mom could be happy and treated well by my dad.

But a couple weeks ago, I found out that my parents are closing their business and moving to Korea, apparently that’s the only viable option for them right now. My mom tries to tell me that they’re just taking an extended vacation, but it makes me furious because I know that, once again, my mom suffers because of my dad – who has always forbidden her from working, and makes ALL decisions on his own (he gets enraged if anyone even tries to offer any kind of differing opinion). My mom and I are almost unnaturally close, because we’ve survived years of constant terror by leaning on each other – and now she’s going to have to be around my dad 24/7, and I can only see her a few times a year. And now I feel like she is purposefully creating some distance, as I’m about to get engaged and start my own life and family, because I know she’s hated every second that I’ve put my life on hold because of my dad and doesn’t want to me to do that again. But, of course, I would gladly do anything for my mom, and only wish that I could’ve done more.

Sorry if this is sounding like a gigantimo pity party – I really don’t mean for it to be. I have TONS to be grateful for, and have more blessings than any one person deserves. I’m with my best friend, who instinctively feels what I feel, and who has seen me through some of my darkest days. Nobody’s ever known or understood me like he does, and I really don’t know what I did to deserve him. When the final step before being fully admitted to the State Bar was finally certified recently (he’s been waiting for that ever since he passed the Bar in November), the first thing he said was “We’re one step closer! One step closer to getting married!!!!” (the only reason why we’re not married yet is our financial situation - he still hasn’t had any luck finding a job, poor thing) And I have a full scholarship to all three years of law school – which I appreciate infinitely more in these times! I’m just struggling a bit right now with letting myself be happy when I know my mom isn’t, and not feeling guilty for my great relationship although my mom tells me that knowing that I’m in such good hands makes everything she’s been through worth it. So I guess my question is: what can I do (short of financially – although I pray to win the lottery daily
) to be a better daughter and make my mom happy? If you’ve made it this far, thank you so so much for reading, and thanks for letting me get this out.
 

sba771

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 1, 2008
Messages
887
First I want to say I am really sorry you are going through this. You sound like an amazing daughter and you really love your mom.

I also watched my mom be verbally and emotionally abused by my father, but she was lucky and after 28+ years she got out. It is not easy and some people really just are too scared to because it does mean taking a leep into uncertainity. My home life sounds very similar to yours growing up.

Anyway, I think your mom does want you to have a better life and by moving forward with your life and reaching your goals you are doing that both for you and for her. Maybe she feels she is ''stuck'' but she is probably so proud of you for not following her example in her home life and getting something so much better. I think by living YOUR life as you want you are making your mom happy and you don''t have to do more. I think parents are happy when they see their children''s success and they don''t want to ever think they are a reason that you hold yourself back. This probably isn''t much help but I just want to encourage you to continue what you are doing because I really think that will bring you both the ultimate joy.
 

Steel

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 8, 2006
Messages
4,884


Date: 3/24/2009 12:38:38 AM
Author:jjc

Hi, I’m new, but have seen that PS is such a wonderful community, and was hoping that I could just get some stuff that I’ve been carrying around, out. But first, a brief introduction, as I think I’ve crashed some of your threads and left you thinking “Huh? Who the heck is that?!?” (Sorry!) I first discovered and posted on PS at the end of last year on Rocky Talky, when there was nothing else left in the engagement talk left except getting ideas for the actual ring! (Thanks Ellen and Lorelei, who gave me such an amazing welcome to PS!) After realizing just how little I actually knew about diamonds, and how much information there was to absorb here on PS, I quickly retreated into lurkdom, up until about a month ago when my BF made us an introduction thread in LIW (thank you to all the lovely LIW for such amazing welcomes as well!).

Now for the topic of my post: as someone who’s about to be engaged and start my own life completely separate from my mom, is being the happiest I can be, and working hard at building the best life I can for myself, in fact, what will make my mom happiest – even though it makes my heart bleed that I have so much that my mom never had? Sorry for the terribly vague question, here’s some background: I am the youngest of two children, I have a brother who’s 6 years older (28 and 34). My dad is very emotionally and verbally abusive, and needless to say, my mom has borne the brunt of all manners of abuse for the entirety of my parents’ 34 year marriage (it started even before they were married, actually). My mom has spent her entire marriage appeasing my dad, doing countless things she’s hated doing, including making me do things to appease him (my mom’s an angel – it’s just that how my dad gets is so bad that doing anything else just isn’t worth it). I know that my mom has hated not being able to protect me from everything my dad’s subjected me to over the years, but she felt that staying together was the best thing for my brother and I (although I have always vehemently disagreed). I know that my mom did the best she could, and was so excited for me to be able to start my own life as soon as I started college. However, during college my parents came upon hard times financially, and after I graduated I moved back home and helped support my family for three years, until I started law school. My mom was again so excited for me to get away (from Southern to Northern California), and I looooooved my law school and really thrived. Unfortunately, I had to return home halfway into my first year because of more madness caused by my dad, and was helping out for another 3 years, until I went back to school this past August to a school in LA. And this time, again, my mom was overjoyed that I would really get to start my own life, and swore up and down that my dad had really changed (he hasn’t), and told me not to worry about her anymore. This time, it seemed like my dad had at least changed a tiny bit, and I was really hopeful that for once, my mom could be happy and treated well by my dad.

But a couple weeks ago, I found out that my parents are closing their business and moving to Korea, apparently that’s the only viable option for them right now. My mom tries to tell me that they’re just taking an extended vacation, but it makes me furious because I know that, once again, my mom suffers because of my dad – who has always forbidden her from working, and makes ALL decisions on his own (he gets enraged if anyone even tries to offer any kind of differing opinion). My mom and I are almost unnaturally close, because we’ve survived years of constant terror by leaning on each other – and now she’s going to have to be around my dad 24/7, and I can only see her a few times a year. And now I feel like she is purposefully creating some distance, as I’m about to get engaged and start my own life and family, because I know she’s hated every second that I’ve put my life on hold because of my dad and doesn’t want to me to do that again. But, of course, I would gladly do anything for my mom, and only wish that I could’ve done more.

Sorry if this is sounding like a gigantimo pity party – I really don’t mean for it to be. I have TONS to be grateful for, and have more blessings than any one person deserves. I’m with my best friend, who instinctively feels what I feel, and who has seen me through some of my darkest days. Nobody’s ever known or understood me like he does, and I really don’t know what I did to deserve him. When the final step before being fully admitted to the State Bar was finally certified recently (he’s been waiting for that ever since he passed the Bar in November), the first thing he said was “We’re one step closer! One step closer to getting married!!!!” (the only reason why we’re not married yet is our financial situation - he still hasn’t had any luck finding a job, poor thing) And I have a full scholarship to all three years of law school – which I appreciate infinitely more in these times! I’m just struggling a bit right now with letting myself be happy when I know my mom isn’t, and not feeling guilty for my great relationship although my mom tells me that knowing that I’m in such good hands makes everything she’s been through worth it. So I guess my question is: what can I do (short of financially – although I pray to win the lottery daily
) to be a better daughter and make my mom happy? If you’ve made it this far, thank you so so much for reading, and thanks for letting me get this out.
Hi jjc
,

I am sorry you feel upset but I feel that you should not be so involved.

If you look at the highlighted text you 'blame' your father for your mother's life conditions. Your mother is a free entity. If she wanted to change her life she could. She hasn't. She can't even use the 'we stayed for the children' excuse because you are both gown. If I were you I would love and support your mother but do not presume that you know better. If she wanted to leave or change her life I am sure she would have, perhaps your father provides some element that your mother feels she needs in her life. Whatever it is her life. Step away from possible co-dependency and concentrate on your new life - by getting upset you risk bringing some of this into your own relationship which is at a tender spot.

Now if you feel that you mother need help then by all means provide her with women's refuge numbers and help lines. Otherwise leave her be. No point in upsetting yourself over another person's life choice.

Another thought: As you say yourself, the staying together for the children excuse really bothers me. Children rarely benefit from having two combative parents together.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
jjc,

I admire the love and loyalty you feel for your mother, and I am sure she appreciates it as well. The very best thing you can do to help her is live your best life. Your mother has choices, and for whatever reasons, right or wrong, she has decided to stay with and stand by your father. Nothng you say or do will change that and trying to will only lead you to frustration and upset. You sound very self aware, use that to your advantage. Don''t allow this to usurp the rest of your life. Best of luck to you.

K
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
What a wonderful daughter you are! No doubt your mother has attempted to do the best she could, and many decisions we make in life are complex, or convoluted in their outcome.
No doubt she feels your success has vindicated the decisions she has made in relation to her family life.
She has every reason to feel proud of you - undoubtedly, you are a fabulous daughter, and a wonderful human being, as well as being a steadfast success and hard worker!

However, there is no need for you to feel guilty about the life your mother has led.
She is an adult, and as such, has done what she felt best to accommodate the collective needs of her children and herself.

She knows that if her decision making processes change in the future, in relation to her ongoing relationship with her husband, you will be supportive of her, and do what you can for her as a friend as well as a daughter. What else could possibly be expected of you?
 

jjc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
559
Date: 3/24/2009 6:00:09 AM
Author: sba771
Maybe she feels she is ''stuck''
Thank you so much for your reply, sba, you hit the nail right on the head. I know that my mom feels she is stuck, and therefore makes herself actually stuck, and it just makes me sick to know that the best thing to do is, essentially, pass on by with a smile on my face. Not that anything about our relationship would ever change or deteriorate, but focusing on me and my happiness feels that way - you know?

I''m so glad that your mom was able to get out, it''s really no way to live, and everybody deserves more than that in life. Thank you again for your kind words!
 

jjc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
559
Date: 3/24/2009 6:59:02 AM
Author: Steel


Hi jjc
,


I am sorry you feel upset but I feel that you should not be so involved.


If you look at the highlighted text you ''blame'' your father for your mother''s life conditions. Your mother is a free entity. If she wanted to change her life she could. She hasn''t. She can''t even use the ''we stayed for the children'' excuse because you are both gown. If I were you I would love and support your mother but do not presume that you know better. If she wanted to leave or change her life I am sure she would have, perhaps your father provides some element that your mother feels she needs in her life. Whatever it is her life. Step away from possible co-dependency and concentrate on your new life - by getting upset you risk bringing some of this into your own relationship which is at a tender spot.


Now if you feel that you mother need help then by all means provide her with women''s refuge numbers and help lines. Otherwise leave her be. No point in upsetting yourself over another person''s life choice.


Another thought: As you say yourself, the staying together for the children excuse really bothers me. Children rarely benefit from having two combative parents together.

Hi Steel!


Thank you for your thoughts. You are absolutely right that my mother has (repeatedly) made a conscious choice, and while I would never presume to know better or interfere where it''s not my place, I guess it just hurts more to know that she makes this choice that I don''t think anyone needs to. Naturally, as I get older, I see my mom more as a person rather than simply a parent, and what I gather from stories she''s told me, is that she somehow felt, probably when they were dating and he''d already shown his true colors, that she didn''t deserve any more. And that kills me. And although there''s absolutely nothing I can do in terms of her choice, I''ve at least been able to be her shoulder to cry on, and the one who could take her mind off things and make her laugh. I guess now that I won''t be able to even do that in a few months when they move, I feel a little lost - that''s always been my role in my family, I take in everyone''s *ahem* stuff, keep the peace between everyone, slap a smile on my face and march on. Without being able to do anything for my mom, makes me feel quite
But of course, such is life, and soon I''ll figure it out - and I better! I have exams quickly approaching, and while I''ve been known to deal well with inordinate amounts of stress when it''s for someone else, I am not quite as adept at doing the same for myself. Time to get my butt into gear - so thanks again, Steel, I really appreciate it
 

jjc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
559
Date: 3/24/2009 9:33:11 AM
Author: KimberlyH
jjc,


I admire the love and loyalty you feel for your mother, and I am sure she appreciates it as well. The very best thing you can do to help her is live your best life. Your mother has choices, and for whatever reasons, right or wrong, she has decided to stay with and stand by your father. Nothng you say or do will change that and trying to will only lead you to frustration and upset. You sound very self aware, use that to your advantage. Don''t allow this to usurp the rest of your life. Best of luck to you.


K
Thank you very much for your kindness, KimberlyH!
 

jjc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
559
Date: 3/24/2009 9:54:44 AM
Author: LaraOnline

She knows that if her decision making processes change in the future, in relation to her ongoing relationship with her husband, you will be supportive of her, and do what you can for her as a friend as well as a daughter.
O LaraOnline! I''ve always remembered your avatar with you and your beautiful children, and I knew that your post, from a mommy''s perspective, was going to have me crying in a heartbeat! But in the ''WOW I really really needed that release'' kind of way, so thank you
What is quoted above, that is my most sincere hope that my mom knows this, and in my heart I know that she really does, so thank you for reminding me of that - you''ll never know what your kind words have meant to a stranger on the internet
 

purrfectpear

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 31, 2008
Messages
4,079
Unless your mom has relatives on HER side in Korea, I would not encourage her to move back there. I''m uncomfortable knowing that she will be isolated from you by your dad. If she has close friends and relatives then she has a better chance of being happy in Korea.

Unfortunately she is the one making her choices so unless she is willing to stand up for herself, it''s time you move on with your life. It sounds like you''ve already done more than your share.
 

Ellen

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 13, 2006
Messages
24,426
jj, what an absolutely lovely daughter you are. Every mother should be so lucky.


My advice is really pretty simple. Being a mother myself, I can tell you, at least from my perspective but I imagine most mothers feel this way, there really is nothing we want more for our children than for them to be happy. It''s true. To me, that is far more important than being rich, having the best job, the best things, etc. And having a child myelf, who has never been happy, and may never be, my advice to you is, let yourself enjoy the happiness you want to feel. I can assure you, that, will do more for your mother than almost anything else. Do not deprive yourself of this, you deserve it.

Just be loving and supportive of your mom, and let her know you will always be there for her. But please, live your life to the fullest, it''s such a gift.


And I am so glad Lorelei and I made you feel welcome!
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Did I write this? Are you me? Ha. Trust me, I know where you are sitting. And I don''t even know where to begin here...

I feel your pain. I''ve lived it and understand it. I''m Korean. My mother is an angel too. My father was abusive and crazy angry as well.

While it technically is a choice for your mom to leave, what a lot of people don''t understand about our generation of parents is that for some people it is NOT a choice. This is something you will most likely live with the rest of your life, which is why what the others is saying is so important - that you must live YOURS. Moms are the same across any ethnicity, they want to see their kids happy.

And even if you have the best life (like I think I do), your heart will hurt in so many ways and really never stop aching for your mom. When I was in my 20''s, I used to wish my dad dead. Not because I wanted him to go through any pain, but because I thought my mom would be so FREE once he was gone. No more catering. No more servitude. My mom once said she didn''t know who would pass away first (she was just talking matter of factly), her or my dad. That struck a fear in my heart like you wouldn''t believe. I thought, if there is ANY fairness in this world, my mom would outlive my father.

In my father''s last days (last year or so actually), he came around in a lot of ways. I can honestly say my dad was a bit mental - not normal. But somewhere in his heart, he truly did love my mother in his own strange way. He told her as much before he died. And she was a good and faithful wife until the end, feeding him like a baby, coaxing him to take on more bite of his liquid food, and changing his diapers. I found out after the fact that she cried every day from loneliness, grief and heartache in those last few months when she was taking care of my father on his deathbed. But she never told me because she couldn''t bear for me to worry about her.

She was the last person he struggled to look at before he died (he had not opened his eyes for a few days). I was the only one who saw how he strained to look at her. He died a few minutes later, still holding her hand and being kissed by her.

The passing of my father hit in me in way I didn''t expect. I still grieve over it. A lot of it for the fact that I think, what a sad, hard life they both had to endure. And even though I was so happy my mom was really "free" now, she''s 68 and I am sad that she didn''t have more time to enjoy her life as a young woman.

But you know, SHE is happy. Like your mom, she''s an amazing woman. Outlook is everything. Somehow, even though she KNEW her lot in life was a tough one, she found strength and happiness. I have no idea how, to be honest.

These days, she''s happy to see me happily married. She''s happy to play with her granddaughter. She''s happy when she sees me dressed all spiffy to go to an important meeting. She''s happy when she can find perfect juicy fruit to bring me. She''s happy when I call her just to say hello and how are you doing.

So be happy. Be successful. Be loved. I ache for you, as it will be so hard to see her go back to Korea. Call her a lot and tell her about how well you are doing and how proud you are to be her daughter. She''ll tell everyone she knows how you''re doing. She''ll talk about you all the time. She''ll think of you often and survive day to day, just knowing her daughter is well.

Hugs to you.
 

jjc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
559
Wow. I'm so overwhelmed by the fact that you ladies have taken the time to read - and on top of that, respond to - my novel of a post. Thank you!!

purrfectpear- Luckily, my mom does have family (on her side) and friends in Korea, so I know she will be safe. Thank you so much for asking.

Ellen- My response to your advice is equally simple: thank you so much for your incredibly generous words, it means so much.

TravelingGal- o MY. Seriously, suffice it to say...what you've written is exactly how i feel - every. single. word. Thank you SO much for sharing your story with me, it puts everything into perspective and you've helped me to deal with one of my biggest worries - the goodbye at the airport. Part of the reason why I posted here was to help me prepare for that, as I'm sure you'd developed the same mechanism to deal, ALWAYS be prepared. Because like you said, I want to put on a brave face for my mom, so that she knows that I know her heart, and so that she knows that she doesn't have to worry about me. It breaks my heart because I want to spend as much time with her before they leave, and yet I don't know what the best way to act/be is, because it's so hard not to keep crying when I'm with her - I've got a long way to go...
I just want to make my mom the happiest I can, and make sure that she knows she's loved. And it just never feels like it's enough. But I've read some of your posts about your wedding, and your daughter (I hope that's not creepy!), and it's so clear that your mom would be so happy knowing that her daughter has such an amazing life. So thank you, again, for giving me the hope that my mom IS happy, and will continue to be happy as my happiness grows. (Sorry if this is an incoherent mess, I am literally bawling as I type. Your post floored me, but in the very best way possible
)
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Date: 3/24/2009 3:24:03 PM
Author: jjc
Wow. I''m so overwhelmed by the fact that you ladies have taken the time to read - and on top of that, respond to - my novel of a post. Thank you!!

purrfectpear- Luckily, my mom does have family (on her side) and friends in Korea, so I know she will be safe. Thank you so much for asking.

Ellen- My response to your advice is equally simple: thank you so much for your incredibly generous words, it means so much.

TravelingGal- o MY. Seriously, suffice it to say...what you''ve written is exactly how i feel - every. single. word. Thank you SO much for sharing your story with me, it puts everything into perspective and you''ve helped me to deal with one of my biggest worries - the goodbye at the airport. Part of the reason why I posted here was to help me prepare for that, as I''m sure you''d developed the same mechanism to deal, ALWAYS be prepared. Because like you said, I want to put on a brave face for my mom, so that she knows that I know her heart, and so that she knows that she doesn''t have to worry about me. It breaks my heart because I want to spend as much time with her before they leave, and yet I don''t know what the best way to act/be is, because it''s so hard not to keep crying when I''m with her - I''ve got a long way to go...
I just want to make my mom the happiest I can, and make sure that she knows she''s loved. And it just never feels like it''s enough. But I''ve read some of your posts about your wedding, and your daughter (I hope that''s not creepy!), and it''s so clear that your mom would be so happy knowing that her daughter has such an amazing life. So thank you, again, for giving me the hope that my mom IS happy, and will continue to be happy as my happiness grows. (Sorry if this is an incoherent mess, I am literally bawling as I type. Your post floored me, but in the very best way possible
)
jjc, I''m so sorry you''re hurting, I truly am. Even though it sounds like we have similar family lives, I can''t imagine having to say good bye to my mom. My dad left for Korea in the 90''s (during that economic downturn and shortly after the LA Riots) and was gone for 5 years to try to find himself and work. But he left my mom here. Even though she was always worried about him, it was such a nice break to have him gone even though it was a tough financial time for our family.

It''s OK to cry at the airport btw. Just smile through the tears and tell her you will be great and to for her to take care of herself. She''ll be more worried about you than herself, that''s for sure. I''ll tell you one thing about old school Korean moms...they are troopers. She''ll miss you a lot so don''t forget to write.
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
BTW, regarding your question:

"even though it makes my heart bleed that I have so much that my mom never had?"

Yeah, tell me about it! So much so that when I got engaged, I personally bought my mom the other stone we considered with my husband''s blessing (although it was my money anyway). I wanted her to have a ring too!

(So go make a lotta money OK? Fun to buy mom cool stuff.
)
 

jjc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
559
I swear, how are we two separate people here?!?


We already e-mail (in Korean!) throughout the day, everyday, and I''m sending my digital camera (with detailed, step by step instructions on how to upload, attach, and email the pictures
) so that I don''t miss anything and there''s never a time when I see my mom and think "She looks so different"

I have my mom''s ring picked out (Scholdt solitaire)!! I was so excited - right when I saw it, I knew it was the one, and I showed her the other day, and she loved it!!


And my BF and I have built in a "Spoil the Moms" fund into our future budget hehehehe
In addition, I am going to spoil her silly on my own - I told her that when I make money, I''m going to buy her a house for her ONLY and to leave my dad in Korea
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Date: 3/24/2009 4:04:23 PM
Author: jjc
I swear, how are we two separate people here?!?


We already e-mail (in Korean!) throughout the day, everyday, and I''m sending my digital camera (with detailed, step by step instructions on how to upload, attach, and email the pictures
) so that I don''t miss anything and there''s never a time when I see my mom and think ''She looks so different''

I have my mom''s ring picked out (Scholdt solitaire)!! I was so excited - right when I saw it, I knew it was the one, and I showed her the other day, and she loved it!!


And my BF and I have built in a ''Spoil the Moms'' fund into our future budget hehehehe
In addition, I am going to spoil her silly on my own - I told her that when I make money, I''m going to buy her a house for her ONLY and to leave my dad in Korea
Ha, if you are emailing in Korean, we are not the same person! I can barely read it at the 3rd grade level!

Do you have any idea how long they are going to be gone? Is it indefinitely? Is she a citizen so returning would be easy?

btw, when I was 28 years old, my parents were married exactly 34 years too (they waited 6 years to have me...I have one brother, but he is younger). Another fun "are you me?" fact.

Money doesn''t buy happiness, but it definitely helps us take care of our parents. We''re their retirement plan, after all, lol.
 

jjc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
559
I''d say there are enough differences to keep it from being really freaky


My mom''s telling me it''s just for 2 years, and I hope she''s being completely truthful with me about the plan...but I don''t know, I guess I''ve come to always expect the worst. But, regardless, I''m going to work hard so I can make sure my mom comes back ASAP. O and yeah, she''s a citizen, so coming back would be no problem.

re: money - you''re so right, I''m very grateful to have learned exactly what money is during all the drastic downs of my dad''s business ventures. But I can''t tell you how much I''m looking forward to buying my mom fun things - that''s the goal
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,570
jjc,
You are such a wonderful daughter. You Mom must be so proud. I admire your spirit a lot.
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Well here''s to hoping it''s only 2 years!

Gotta love our asian culture, right? Actually, I really do in a lot of ways. Especially on how we view family and parents (and our responsibilities as children). I''ll miss that my daughter most likely will not have that.
 

jjc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
559
Date: 3/24/2009 5:44:38 PM
Author: Kaleigh
jjc,

You Mom must be so proud.
Kaleigh- I hope so! But you are far too kind. I just want to be a daughter worthy of such an amazing mom - and if I grow to be half the woman she is, I''d be a very happy camper
 

lili

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
3,465
jjc,
awwee both you and tgal are such loving daughters.
i''m sure that alone is enough to make both your moms really happy.
they must be so very proud of you two.
like tgal said, be happy and go make lots of money so you can spoil your mom rotten.

tgal,
your statement about missing that A will not view filial responsibility like we do makes me laugh
because it reminds me of a conversation my sister had w/ her daughter about taking care of our parents
-- how the parents take care of us when we were younger and now it''s our responsibility to take care of them.
So my niece asked if she have to take care of her mom when she''s older, to which my sister answered yes w/o hesitation.
My niece mock fainted when her mom answered her
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Date: 3/24/2009 6:10:37 PM
Author: lili
jjc,
awwee both you and tgal are such loving daughters.
i''m sure that alone is enough to make both your moms really happy.
they must be so very proud of you two.
like tgal said, be happy and go make lots of money so you can spoil your mom rotten.

tgal,
your statement about missing that A will not view filial responsibility like we do makes me laugh
because it reminds me of a conversation my sister had w/ her daughter about taking care of our parents
-- how the parents take care of us when we were younger and now it''s our responsibility to take care of them.
So my niece asked if she have to take care of her mom when she''s older, to which my sister answered yes w/o hesitation.
My niece mock fainted when her mom answered her
Haha lili, that is too funny. And probably true. With asians, it''s just a given. Not obligation (meaning doing something even if we don''t want to) but just the way it is and what we expect to do.
 

jjc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
559
Date: 3/24/2009 5:54:44 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Well here''s to hoping it''s only 2 years!
Thank you!

Gotta love our asian culture, right? Actually, I really do in a lot of ways. Especially on how we view family and parents (and our responsibilities as children). I''ll miss that my daughter most likely will not have that.
I have to say, there is a lot that I do appreciate about our culture. And you really think your daughter won''t have that? I don''t know, irrespective of culture, you have such a special relationship with your mom, and I think your daughter will grow up with the same feelings toward you that you have for your mom. Plus she sees how you interact with your mom. So the whole ''gorgeous Hapa baby'' thing is an added bonus!
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Date: 3/24/2009 6:22:43 PM
Author: jjc



Date: 3/24/2009 5:54:44 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Well here's to hoping it's only 2 years!
Thank you!




Gotta love our asian culture, right? Actually, I really do in a lot of ways. Especially on how we view family and parents (and our responsibilities as children). I'll miss that my daughter most likely will not have that.
I have to say, there is a lot that I do appreciate about our culture. And you really think your daughter won't have that? I don't know, irrespective of culture, you have such a special relationship with your mom, and I think your daughter will grow up with the same feelings toward you that you have for your mom. Plus she sees how you interact with your mom. So the whole 'gorgeous Hapa baby' thing is an added bonus!
Nope, she won't It's not only asian culture, but IMMIGRANT culture. Amelia has a mom who speaks English well, has a good job and will probably be one of those whacked out, overprotective moms who won't let her go anywhere without supervision and won't let her touch the stove even when she's 14.

We watched our parents struggle, manage to make money in a country where they knew very little of the language and often helped them in their business (where they worked 7 days a week with 12 hour days). The days we weren't helping with the business, we made and had dinner on the table when they came home. I'm not saying we can't teach our kids the value of a buck, integrity, hard work ethic, etc., but it's different when you are a struggling immigrant family. You have a better understanding of the responsibility you have to contribute back to the family, i.e., the "burden." LOL.
 

jjc

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2008
Messages
559
Date: 3/24/2009 6:10:37 PM
Author: lili
jjc,


like tgal said, be happy and go make lots of money so you can spoil your mom rotten.
will do!



tgal,

your statement about missing that A will not view filial responsibility like we do makes me laugh

because it reminds me of a conversation my sister had w/ her daughter about taking care of our parents

-- how the parents take care of us when we were younger and now it''s our responsibility to take care of them.

So my niece asked if she have to take care of her mom when she''s older, to which my sister answered yes w/o hesitation.

My niece mock fainted when her mom answered her
lol! I''d like to think that the next generation will be a nice hybrid - not saddled with the feeling of being different, like "Mommy, how come what we eat for dinner looks nothing like what they eat on TV?", but still with a sense of ''filial responsibility'' that is less obligation and more voluntary (just talking in general here). Here''s hoping?


 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Date: 3/24/2009 6:32:36 PM
Author: jjc

Date: 3/24/2009 6:10:37 PM
Author: lili
jjc,


like tgal said, be happy and go make lots of money so you can spoil your mom rotten.
will do!




tgal,

your statement about missing that A will not view filial responsibility like we do makes me laugh

because it reminds me of a conversation my sister had w/ her daughter about taking care of our parents

-- how the parents take care of us when we were younger and now it''s our responsibility to take care of them.

So my niece asked if she have to take care of her mom when she''s older, to which my sister answered yes w/o hesitation.

My niece mock fainted when her mom answered her
lol! I''d like to think that the next generation will be a nice hybrid - not saddled with the feeling of being different, like ''Mommy, how come what we eat for dinner looks nothing like what they eat on TV?'', but still with a sense of ''filial responsibility'' that is less obligation and more voluntary (just talking in general here). Here''s hoping?


Girl, keep dreaming. We''ll be lucky if the next generation eats kimchee.
 

heb1976

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 21, 2008
Messages
428
Date: 3/24/2009 1:33:53 PM
Author: Ellen
jj, what an absolutely lovely daughter you are. Every mother should be so lucky.


My advice is really pretty simple. Being a mother myself, I can tell you, at least from my perspective but I imagine most mothers feel this way, there really is nothing we want more for our children than for them to be happy. It''s true. To me, that is far more important than being rich, having the best job, the best things, etc. And having a child myelf, who has never been happy, and may never be, my advice to you is, let yourself enjoy the happiness you want to feel. I can assure you, that, will do more for your mother than almost anything else. Do not deprive yourself of this, you deserve it.

Just be loving and supportive of your mom, and let her know you will always be there for her. But please, live your life to the fullest, it''s such a gift.


And I am so glad Lorelei and I made you feel welcome!
Oh Ellen, I''m so sorry!
How old is your child that feels this way? I hope this is not prying but this is a subject that is close to my heart. My brother was never happy and never had an interest in anything or felt he was good at anything and what happened when he was 18 is so hideous that I don''t ever want anyone to have to go through that.
If I can help in any way please let me know!
 

Ellen

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 13, 2006
Messages
24,426
Date: 3/25/2009 12:28:50 AM
Author: heb1976
Oh Ellen, I''m so sorry!
How old is your child that feels this way? I hope this is not prying but this is a subject that is close to my heart. My brother was never happy and never had an interest in anything or felt he was good at anything and what happened when he was 18 is so hideous that I don''t ever want anyone to have to go through that.
If I can help in any way please let me know!
He''s 25. It''s such a long, complicated story, and I don''t want to threadjack, but suffice it to say, he won''t even try to better his life. And I can''t make him. So it''s a very sad situation.

But thank you heb, I really do appreciate your thoughts. And I''m terribly sorry about your brother. {{{hugs}}}
 
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