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- Jan 11, 2006
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We're still here! Glad things are a little better today! Come back anytime you need a place to vent. Just don't show him our advice next time!
ksinger|1300813518|2877386 said:You know, I just have to interject here. Threads like this are tough, but wow, how I wish the internet had been around before I married my first husband. I did EVERYTHING wrong, and for all the wrong reasons. MY mom knew the score, but she let me fall flat on my face. She picked me UP of course, but she knew she couldn't save me, and so let me fall. Tough woman, in the best, non-meddling sense of the word. But maybe if a bunch of total strangers told me I was not thinking straight, I might have done things differently. Moms can tell us the reality all day long and we'll dismiss it BECAUSE it's MOM, but strangers can tell you the same thing and wow, how insightful. (All the moms here are probably shaking their heads in agreement, right?)
Slg, I know this is tough, but I think you're taking some really positive steps, steps I never took and wish I had - BEFORE I got married the first time. In my case, I think it would have saved me much heartache. I did finally get to where I needed to be, but it sure took a lot longer than it could have, had I a circle of truly disinterested people giving me their views. I didn't have any people unconnected to the situation to talk to, and it would have helped immensely if I had.
There are never any guarantees in life, certainly, but no matter how this situation pans out, you'll know you handled it about as well and as directly as a person could. Best of luck to you and your FI.
monarch64|1300943678|2878727 said:ksinger|1300813518|2877386 said:You know, I just have to interject here. Threads like this are tough, but wow, how I wish the internet had been around before I married my first husband. I did EVERYTHING wrong, and for all the wrong reasons. MY mom knew the score, but she let me fall flat on my face. She picked me UP of course, but she knew she couldn't save me, and so let me fall. Tough woman, in the best, non-meddling sense of the word. But maybe if a bunch of total strangers told me I was not thinking straight, I might have done things differently. Moms can tell us the reality all day long and we'll dismiss it BECAUSE it's MOM, but strangers can tell you the same thing and wow, how insightful. (All the moms here are probably shaking their heads in agreement, right?)
Slg, I know this is tough, but I think you're taking some really positive steps, steps I never took and wish I had - BEFORE I got married the first time. In my case, I think it would have saved me much heartache. I did finally get to where I needed to be, but it sure took a lot longer than it could have, had I a circle of truly disinterested people giving me their views. I didn't have any people unconnected to the situation to talk to, and it would have helped immensely if I had.
There are never any guarantees in life, certainly, but no matter how this situation pans out, you'll know you handled it about as well and as directly as a person could. Best of luck to you and your FI.
Wow--Ksinger, my mother treated my first marriage EXACTLY the same as you described. She definitely knew and gently tried to tell me a few times (without being meddlesome) that maybe I needed to take a step back and look at my relationship with my ex-husband and that was as far as she went, knowing I wouldn't listen and would figure it out for myself. She was SO there when things fell apart and I finally left. I have read so many threads on PS and found myself wishing that the internet had been what it is today for us way back when (hmmph, 5-7 years ago? for me) while I was going through my own issues. My parents both tried very hard to give my ex the benefit of the doubt, but they both knew that things weren't going to work out. (SLG, not to say that your situation is hopeless!) Parents' opinions just don't seem to matter when as the child you're out there trying to live your life and learning from your mistakes.
I'm going to read the rest of this thread...and maybe post again.
Stone-cold11|1301064393|2879977 said:Good luck.
rosetta|1300752317|2876931 said:Slg, may I ask you how your FI behaved when you were last unwell? Did he look after you?
I knew I'd picked the right man for me when he nursed me when I had the swine flu. I recently got to return his kindness when he got pneumonia, though I had to do less as he was in hospital.
I am a firm believer that you really see a person's true colours when you fall ill and they have to look after you, above their own comforts.
slg47|1301286303|2881608 said:***UPDATE***
Today he did some little things for me (dishes, grocery shopping, driving me to a meeting, laundry--and he even made a point to fold my jeans first so they wouldn't get wrinkled) and he said that he realizes this is what I have been doing for him all along. Anyway just wanted to give y'all an update thanks again for your support!
I think that is sometimes a technique to get you to fill in the blank space ... so you'll blurt out *truths* that wouldn't come out in a more flowing convo. At least that's my take on some kinds of *awkward* moments in therapy.slg47|1303342527|2901331 said:UPDATE
_______
Well, counseling wasn't really that good. We went to a highly recommended (on yelp) counselor but we didn't really click with her? She was really...awkward and hard to talk to. So much so that I am surprised she is a counselor/therapist. But, she definitely got us talking to each other more, which is good, even though we only went to 2 sessions. Anyway, I have noticed a huge change in FI's attitude/actions so I think we are on the right track. Thanks again for your support
decodelighted|1303393972|2901814 said:I think that is sometimes a technique to get you to fill in the blank space ... so you'll blurt out *truths* that wouldn't come out in a more flowing convo. At least that's my take on some kinds of *awkward* moments in therapy.slg47|1303342527|2901331 said:UPDATE
_______
Well, counseling wasn't really that good. We went to a highly recommended (on yelp) counselor but we didn't really click with her? She was really...awkward and hard to talk to. So much so that I am surprised she is a counselor/therapist. But, she definitely got us talking to each other more, which is good, even though we only went to 2 sessions. Anyway, I have noticed a huge change in FI's attitude/actions so I think we are on the right track. Thanks again for your support
Glad you're talking to each OTHER more.
Amys Bling|1303997925|2906971 said:My FI and I live in the NYC metro area and bedtime what he is doing to do things for me.... Even drive me to and from somewhere related to work that is over an hour away because it is in a bad area and I'm uncomfortable going alone. Mind you that this is during a work day and he will find a spot to park and work out of his car until I'm ready to leave. This issue is a personality issue not a cultural or regional issue....
Think about what you want from this marriage and what you need to be happy....
Amys Bling|1304040864|2907571 said:Amys Bling|1303997925|2906971 said:My FI and I live in the NYC metro area and bedtime what he is doing to do things for me.... Even drive me to and from somewhere related to work that is over an hour away because it is in a bad area and I'm uncomfortable going alone. Mind you that this is during a work day and he will find a spot to park and work out of his car until I'm ready to leave. This issue is a personality issue not a cultural or regional issue....
Think about what you want from this marriage and what you need to be happy....
darn autocorrect on the iphone- not bedtime "he drops"...
jeez. sorry for the weird typo. anyways, I am glad to see that he is willing to work on this with you.
slg47|1300589154|2875580 said:dear everyone-thank you for all of your responses. I had a talk with FI and he still doesn't think it's his job to do things like take me to the airport. My mother strongly disagrees and wants me to be with someone who 'takes care of me.' It just irks me that FI's main argument is "that's not how we usually do things!" (we usually take the public transportation, but we USUALLY fly at times where the public transportation gets us to the airport on time). Interestingly FI talked to his parents about this and they see nothing wrong with it. I really do think it might be a cultural thing, in his family/culture/whatever people just don't go out of their way for loved ones. The problem is, to me, it's not going out of my way...it's just what I want to do because doing things for my FI makes ME happy. It's not a sacrifice for me to go to a different store to get him the cereal he likes, because I know it makes him happy. I just know he would never go out of his way to get my cereal, and I'm not sure if that's OK or not. I guess it works for some couples and not for others.