Marriage Trouble

[Tacori E-ring]

Shimmer, denial is a powerful tool. His mom is not ready, and may never be ready, to be aware of her son''s disease. That is very sad. Luckily it is NOT your problem. I would invite a supportive friend to go with you on the cruise. Why deny yourself some relaxation? Sounds like your DH won''t care so life goes on. Acceptance is a form of grief. Clearly this is not how you imagined your marriage/life but I promise you there is so much opportunity out of our struggles. This WILL change your life but you are in control if it is going to knock you down and turn you into a victim or strengthen you and make you a fighter. Life, unfortunately, does not have a dress rehearsal. It is full of pain. Pain is normal but suffering is optional. Best of luck.

 

[tyty333]

I''m so sorry shimmer. I know what you are going through isnt easy but you really sound like you have a good head on your
shoulders.

With respect to the cruise...can you go and hang our with your friends and be happy or will you feel like the 3rd wheel? I like
to read so for me it would be a time to relax, read and regroup. If you wont enjoy the cruise (or would feel like a 3rd wheel)
then I would cancel.

 

[AGBF]

Shimmer123-You are doing the right thing. Take it one step at a time. It is too bad that you have to wait until Tuesday night. Tuesday night is a long time away; but some geographical areas have more Al-anon meetings than other geographical areas. Just take it minute by minute until that meeting. Use us as a reflecting board if you need us.

You will not always get the answers you want from from your husband, his mother, your friends, or anyone else. You cannot live to get the good opinion of anyone else or to be "living correctly" in the eyes of anyone else. You have to live to survive as a healthy woman independent of your husband. You cannot allow him or his family (or your family or your friends) make you think that you had any part in his drinking or the break-up of your marriage if that is where it goes. Al-anon will help you with that.

Al-anon will also help you put the first things first. What your students call you or whom you take on a cruise are not the most vital issues for you right now. You are doing the most vital thing for yourself by getting to an Al-anon meeting! You are taking care of yourself! Just keep putting one foot in front of another. We will be here for you.

Hugs,
Deb/AGBF

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 5/30/2010 5:14:56 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Shimmer, denial is a powerful tool. His mom is not ready, and may never be ready, to be aware of her son''s disease. That is very sad. Luckily it is NOT your problem. I would invite a supportive friend to go with you on the cruise. Why deny yourself some relaxation? Sounds like your DH won''t care so life goes on. Acceptance is a form of grief. Clearly this is not how you imagined your marriage/life but I promise you there is so much opportunity out of our struggles. This WILL change your life but you are in control if it is going to knock you down and turn you into a victim or strengthen you and make you a fighter. Life, unfortunately, does not have a dress rehearsal. It is full of pain. Pain is normal but suffering is optional. Best of luck.

Yes, this is what I would do as well.

 

[lknvrb4]

I would still go on the cruise if I had a supportive friend to go with me. Getting some fresh air and being out of the stressful situation you are in will do you wonders. I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are making good decisions though.

 

[Shimmer123]

I haven''t spoken to my husband since Saturday night. I didn''t call him yesterday and he didn''t call me. Should I just let it go on like this? On another note I spoke to one of his friends yesterday. They had just hung out on Thursday and he said he had no idea anything like this was going on. He said he was shocked and that my husband always seemed so proud of everything he had accomplished. It is just such a confusing time.

 

[movie zombie]

please quit worrying about your husband and start thinking about what kind of life you want.

i believe he''s been honest with you: he does not want to be married. he may also have been honest with himself that 1-drinking and 2-being with his friends are the most important things to him other than his job. this is his choice.

hard to accept but its not your job to change him. its his. and if he doesn''t want to change and you can''t accept life as he wants to live it, then you needs to see an attorney right now to make sure that you are not financially liable for him. you don''t have to file for divorce but can file for a separation. that will protect you from financial liability and will also serve to send notice to him that you''ve heard him loud and clear.

if he does not want to be married, he does not want to be married.

i''m sure you love him.....and in his own way he may love you. but sometimes love just is not enough.

mz

ps ok, another alternative: file for the separation, live apart and date one another. that seems to have worked for him. if this works for you, too, then go for it. seriously. not all married people live together.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 5/31/2010 10:01:02 AM
Author: Shimmer123
I haven't spoken to my husband since Saturday night. I didn't call him yesterday and he didn't call me. Should I just let it go on like this? On another note I spoke to one of his friends yesterday. They had just hung out on Thursday and he said he had no idea anything like this was going on. He said he was shocked and that my husband always seemed so proud of everything he had accomplished. It is just such a confusing time.

Shimmer -- Congratulations on making it through the day without calling your husband. If your husband is serious about wanting to be out of this marriage, then this will be part of your new reality. I know the letting go part is tough. It sounds like a passive thing -- let go of those little things that make a marriage, like checking in with each other when you can't be together, like instinctively reaching out to help your partner when he's hurting -- but sometimes letting go actually takes a great deal of will power. Take care of yourself.

(((hugs)))

 

[AGBF]

Date: 5/31/2010 10:01:02 AM
Author: Shimmer123

I haven't spoken to my husband since Saturday night. I didn't call him yesterday and he didn't call me. Should I just let it go on like this?

In my opinion, it is a good thing that there is an Al-anon meeting tomorrow because I do not think that Pricescope is going to

be enough of a support for you (although I hope we will always be here for you!). Please be sure to let everyone know you are

new and get phone numbers from other women so that you can call them on the phone. That can be a lifeline when you have

questions like this! As I have said above, the people at Al-anon have all been where you are now. They can really, really relate

to you! You are doing a great job keeping yourself together!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 5/31/2010 11:21:52 AM
Author: movie zombie
please quit worrying about your husband and start thinking about what kind of life you want.

i believe he''s been honest with you: he does not want to be married. he may also have been honest with himself that 1-drinking and 2-being with his friends are the most important things to him other than his job. this is his choice.

hard to accept but its not your job to change him. its his. and if he doesn''t want to change and you can''t accept life as he wants to live it, then you needs to see an attorney right now to make sure that you are not financially liable for him. you don''t have to file for divorce but can file for a separation. that will protect you from financial liability and will also serve to send notice to him that you''ve heard him loud and clear.

if he does not want to be married, he does not want to be married.

i''m sure you love him.....and in his own way he may love you. but sometimes love just is not enough.

mz

ps ok, another alternative: file for the separation, live apart and date one another. that seems to have worked for him. if this works for you, too, then go for it. seriously. not all married people live together.

Big Fat Ditto.

 

[Hest88]

Date: 5/31/2010 11:21:52 AM
Author: movie zombie
i believe he''s been honest with you: he does not want to be married. he may also have been honest with himself that 1-drinking and 2-being with his friends are the most important things to him other than his job. this is his choice.

Ditto. I''m really sorry you''re going through this. I hope Al-Anon will help a lot. However, I''d also caution you not to chalk this up *just* to alcoholism. It sounds like he''s quite clear about not wanting to be married, so I''d take that as a separate issue.

 

[Shimmer123]

Thanks ladies. He did end up calling me today. He said that he thinks he might be going through a depression and at he wants to get help and start talking to someone. I guess this is a step in the right direction. He needs to figure himself out.

 

[mary poppins]

Date: 5/31/2010 12:55:11 PM
Author: Shimmer123
Thanks ladies. He did end up calling me today. He said that he thinks he might be going through a depression and at he wants to get help and start talking to someone. I guess this is a step in the right direction. He needs to figure himself out.

I''m sorry you are going through this experience. Your phone call this morning where he acknowledges he is having a problem and wants to get help is definitely a step in the right direction, as is your plan to go to an Al-Anon meeting this week. I hope you both follow through with your respective plans to identify and resolve the issues. Good for you for taking the steps you have taken so far. I know it must be hard, but this is progress. I wish you the best.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Shimmer, good luck tonight. Try to keep an open mind.

 

[Clairitek]

I hope your al-anon meeting went well. I''m so sorry that you''re going through this. I hope he follows through on his desire to find a counselor.

 

[princesss]

I hope you''re out at a meeting, finding support and strength and clarity - or at least the beginnings of them.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 5/31/2010 2:44:25 PM
Author: mary poppins

Date: 5/31/2010 12:55:11 PM
Author: Shimmer123
Thanks ladies. He did end up calling me today. He said that he thinks he might be going through a depression and at he wants to get help and start talking to someone. I guess this is a step in the right direction. He needs to figure himself out.

I''m sorry you are going through this experience. Your phone call this morning where he acknowledges he is having a problem and wants to get help is definitely a step in the right direction, as is your plan to go to an Al-Anon meeting this week. I hope you both follow through with your respective plans to identify and resolve the issues. Good for you for taking the steps you have taken so far. I know it must be hard, but this is progress. I wish you the best.

Good to hear of your progress. You are both taking the first steps to healing yourselves and maybe your marriage. As you said above, he needs to figure himself out. Unless he wants to get the help, there is nothing that will make him better.

I hope your husband goes through with getting help for his depression and sticks with it when it gets tough. I''m sure he has many issues to work through in addition to the alcoholism. Take care of yourself and build a strong support group around you. Alcoholism affects more than just the alcoholic. It hurts to see someone you love harming themselves.


My mother & step-father are recovering alcoholics. It has been some years (7? 8?) since either of them drank. Something finally made them realize they couldn''t keep drinking and they both just stopped one day and haven''t had so much as a sip since.

My father is an alcoholic.
After running into some legal trouble, he had to quit drinking whether he liked it or not. He was forced to stay sober for several months after he came home but he kept the same friends and the same unsupportive gf and slipped back into drinking shortly after that because he thought he could "have just one" and then stop...


Please let us know how you and he are doing. You aren''t alone in this.