mamas with nannies...

[KimberlyH]

I don't think it's dangerous that she's sleeping while A is, but I do think it's unacceptable. She's being paid to care for him, and complete the tasks you outlined for her upon hiring. Time to revisit your agreement and I would make a list of things she should be doing while he's sleeping. I would also tell her what you are okay with (e.g. reading once all tasks are complete if he is napping).

For what it's worth, I would be upset if I came home to a sleeping nanny, and we would be discussing it.

 

[Sha]

I would see napping as a waste of her paid time as well. As a full time employee, she needs to sleep when most other regular employees sleep - at nights! Not on her job.

 

[TravelingGal]

Ginger, did you hire my old nanny?

I 100% understand what you are going through, believe me. I am a fairly laid back person with my nanny. I let her take over and I don't interfere. When I hear the kid cry, I stay in my office and let the nanny deal with it because no one likes a micromanager.

My first nanny was very very loving with Amelia. She was punctual (most of the time she was early), and she was honest. I felt those were the most important traits I was looking for. As it turned it, I wasn't entirely correct.

However, those traits were what made it very difficult for me to let her go. In hindsight, those traits should be the BARE MINIMUM that one expects from a nanny.

My nanny didn't sleep on the job, but she did lay down on the sofa and watch TV. She did the bare minimum, which was to clear away any dishes. But in the beginning, I also asked her if she would agree to light housekeeping, which she did. In fact, on her first day on the job, she cleaned my bathroom AND our oven! I thought it was unnecessary, but was impressed.

All that went by the wayside when it became evident that I trusted her. She was with Amelia from when Amelia was 4.5 months old to about 19 months old (when she went MIA). Amelia during that time took long naps...one hour in the morning and 2+ hours in the afternoon. If I asked her to do something extra (like dust) that day, she'd do it, but I had to ASK.

My nanny was all of the things I mentioned above, but she was also LAZY. She did not get the hint, nor did she actually get the direct conversation when I finally sat her down. I told her I do not mind her taking a break. Everyone needs a break from taking care of kids. But I asked her to do at least 1 or 2 things every day when it came to cleaning. She could easily dust WHILE watching TV. Our apartment was very small! It lasted for a week or two, then petered back out. My nanny was also not dumb. She was well aware that mothers are reluctant to replace their nannies when they know that the kid likes them and that generally the nanny can be trusted.

Toward the end, I was unhappy with her, but had signed up Amelia for daycare and decided my nanny's time was going to come to an end anyway. As Amelia got older, she would just lie back and watch Amelia play. Or hold Amelia on her lap facing her and have minimal interaction. She was great for an infant nanny, but didn't cut it for a toddler.

I suppose I got a little deus ex machina when my nanny had to go out of the country for some immigration issues for her son, who was still in Honduras. She got stuck there for 5 months. And she didn't bother to somehow let me know. Her phone was disconnected here and I had no way of contacting her. I held her job for an additional 2 weeks in addition to the 3 she had been gone and was finally forced to find another nanny. This time I did things differently.

I decided not to bother with craigslist (where I found my first nanny). I paid for care.com and looked for someone who spoke perfect English because I wanted the new nanny to be able to teach Amelia lots of things. In this case, she was American, and a professional nanny.

She came armed to our interview with a binder, with letter upon letter of reference. Copies of everything I needed including background check. She also grilled the hell out of me in terms of what kind of parent I was, and what I expected from a nanny.

In my current nanny's case, I didn't need any housekeeping, except to pick after herself and the kid. Nor did she say that was part of what she did. She was a PROFESSIONAL nanny. She wasn't someone who chose to look after kids because it was an high paying option and an "easy" job. I also only use her for part of the day, so she leaves before Amelia's nap.

I cannot tell you how HAPPY I am with her. Thrilled and we love her to death. I got the call that an spot in preschool opened up (way sooner than I thought) and it was MWF. I use my nanny MTuTh, and I still keep her those days (thereby paying double for Monday since Amelia does not go to preschool on that day). She's worth it, and I'd rather double pay than cut her hours and lose her. She is engaging, creative, and obviously loves being a nanny. She's also not lazy in one teeny tiny iota of a way. There is always something going on with her and Amelia...I can hear it all the time. And even though I don't expect any housekeeping from her, there have been times, she lightly dusted just because she saw a few tables needed it. But mostly, she's an excellent nanny. It really helps that I expect her to NANNY from the getgo, and not anything else.

With all this rambling, I'll end with this, and I'm going to be blunt: There is a difference with someone who is a professional nanny and someone who does it because it's a decent paying job that's comfortable. All the real nannies out there know it's not an EASY job...that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying with many immigrant (and I don't know if yours is) nannies out there, it's one of the best options for WORK. I know this even for many of the Korean nannies I've met...older ladies who need money and other Korean ladies say it's an easy way to make money. Speaking only for my own previous nanny, one of her only other options to make the type of money she was making was cleaning houses, and she told me she didn't like doing that because it was hard work. She said watching kids was much easier. I found this out later when she needed me to help her find other work.

Don't get me wrong...there are plenty of immigrant nannies who are wonderful. But most of my friends who hired them (and interestingly, I'm the only one who hired a legal immigrant) are facing the exact same issue you are and that I did. I see a lot of nannies at the park, and they sit there and gab away, not even keeping an eye on the kids. It's scary. Sometimes I feel like finding a nanny who wanted to be a nanny because of the quality care and interaction they love to give children is like finding a needle in a haystack.

For the record, my current nanny is 38 years old, American, a graduate student who goes to school at night. She is getting a degree in something to do with child development (I can't remember what it was!) and definitely considers herself a professional working woman, as do I!

 

[gailrmv]

I don't think it's dangerous that she's sleeping while A is, but I do think it's unacceptable. She's being paid to care for him, and complete the tasks you outlined for her upon hiring. Time to revisit your agreement and I would make a list of things she should be doing while he's sleeping. I would also tell her what you are okay with (e.g. reading once all tasks are complete if he is napping).

For what it's worth, I would be upset if I came home to a sleeping nanny, and we would be discussing it.

I was going to say the same thing. I don't think napping is dangerous unless there is some reason that she wouldn't hear him when he wakes up. I nap sometimes when my son naps and I don't think it's dangerous. I sleep at night when he sleeps, and I bet you do too.

Unacceptable? Yes, I see your point there. I also see where some moms would not care if the nanny sleeps as long as everything else is done. But if you don't want to pay her to sleep, I think that's totally legit.

But dangerous? I don't see that.

ETA I would not want my nanny sleeping on the job either.

 

[Mara]

Ginger I agree that if you feel like napping is unreasonable, make sure she understands that. If she is unhappy with it, then time to find a new nanny that adheres to what you want them to do.

It's not really about what other people find unreasonable, it's about what YOUR expectations since you are paying her. If your expectations and hers do not align, then change the situation.

For me personally, I am differing with the other ladies here. I am going to have J with two nannies through 4 days and one of them told me, 'oh when the baby rests, I do not rest. I like to do dishes, his laundry, clean up around the house, make food for him etc.' I said oh ok that's fine but really I don't EXPECT that. I know that I am paying her to be with him all day but I also know myself how friggin' exhausting he can be so if she wants to put her feet up for the 30-45 minutes he snoozes 1-2x a day, I am ok with it. Heck that is what *I* want to do when I am home with him. In fact I would encourage that if she wants to do it, because then it means she is more well-rested and probably in a better mood to take care of him again when he wakes up--and his awake time with her is my top priority.

We have a housecleaning team that comes 2x a month and we clean up the rest of the stuff ourselves and I make his own food. Actually having her do his laundry 2x a week and make food for him 2x a week would be *great*, BUT not at the expense of his actual 'care'...if that makes sense. If her resting a bit makes her happier when he wakes up and ready to tackle another 4 hours with him, awesome.

I also don't feel like it's a hazard to have someone napping while he naps. I sleep when I am home with him and as long as she isn't putting blankets and stuffed animals or whatever in his crib, what is the diff between you being home with him and her in terms of 'danger'.

 

[TravelingGal]

Mara, there is a huge difference between resting for 1-1.5 hours in a full work day (since J only sleeps that much during the day) and someone who has their feet up and doing F-all for 2.5 hours in ONE STRETCH.

I don't know of a single person who wouldn't be slightly irritated that they are paying that person good money and that the person isn't even trying to take the slightest bit of initiative to try and earn it.

 

[Mara]

Mara, there is a huge difference between resting for 1-1.5 hours in a full work day (since J only sleeps that much during the day) and someone who has their feet up and doing F-all for 2.5 hours in ONE STRETCH.

I don't know of a single person who wouldn't be slightly irritated that they are paying that person good money and that the person isn't even trying to take the slightest bit of initiative to try and earn it.

Yeah even then I don't know that I'd be upset. The way I look at it is, I am paying her to watch my kid, interact with him, help him develop etc. Maybe that could include doing his laundry and/or making some food for him but I wouldn't EXPECT them to do anything else around the house. Now if she was napping while he was awake or tossing him in front of the TV while she did her nails or something--I'd be upset. But napping or resting or reading a book or whatever while he napped, even for 2-3 hours...I wouldn't be totally PO'd. BUT I do think it depends on the situation. If EVERYTHING else was great with her, it'd be easy for me to overlook that. If I felt like she was a slack anyway, the house was a mess when she was there and she made most of the mess, and wasn't doing her job while he was awake OR asleep, and this was the straw then it'd be a diff situ.

I don't know... I just don't get that torqued thinking about that stuff. I just want him to be happy, healthy and with someone who loves him really.

ETA...when you say 'earn it'...to me she's earning it if he's awake. But again--it's about expectations. It doesn't matter what MINE are..I'm not Ginger.

 

[TravelingGal]

btw, for some people, it is a hazard. It's my own child, and I should have "my child radar" but I'm deaf in one ear and even with a monitor, I sometimes don't hear her right away. I know some heavy sleepers that are slow to wake up too.

I put the monitor on full blast next to my ear when I sleep if TGuy isn't around, but it still makes me nervous that sometimes, I just don't hear anything!

 

[Mara]

oh the other thing I wanted to say too is that if the baby was more like a 2 year old... I think she could be doing more. Because the kid can do more too--so while he is sleeping she could be setting up their next playtime thing, if it's crayons or playdoh or whatever...or making his lunch or whatever. But someone J's age...he really doesn't DO all that much, I just shuttle him from item to item, or sit with him and practice sitting or rolling over or whatever. Bottle is easy, you stick it in his mouth. J holds his own bottle now so I just float around while he eats. Etc. So I think it'd also depend on the age for me. For a toddler I'd prob expect them to do a bit more while he's resting just because the second he's up it would be go go go.

 

[TravelingGal]

Mara, there is a huge difference between resting for 1-1.5 hours in a full work day (since J only sleeps that much during the day) and someone who has their feet up and doing F-all for 2.5 hours in ONE STRETCH.

I don't know of a single person who wouldn't be slightly irritated that they are paying that person good money and that the person isn't even trying to take the slightest bit of initiative to try and earn it.

Yeah even then I don't know that I'd be upset. The way I look at it is, I am paying her to watch my kid, interact with him, help him develop etc. Maybe that could include doing his laundry and/or making some food for him but I wouldn't EXPECT them to do anything else around the house. Now if she was napping while he was awake or tossing him in front of the TV while she did her nails or something--I'd be upset. But napping or resting or reading a book or whatever while he napped, even for 2-3 hours...I wouldn't be totally PO'd. BUT I do think it depends on the situation. If EVERYTHING else was great with her, it'd be easy for me to overlook that. If I felt like she was a slack anyway, the house was a mess when she was there and she made most of the mess, and wasn't doing her job while he was awake OR asleep, and this was the straw then it'd be a diff situ.

I don't know... I just don't get that torqued thinking about that stuff. I just want him to be happy, healthy and with someone who loves him really.

I think that's a good point...if you really felt the nanny was doing ALL SHE COULD with J, you might be fine with it. However, IMHO, someone who is that slack that she would dick around for 2.5 hours isn't going to do all she can for your child either.

In my case, although my nanny was loving and gave Amelia kisses and said she loved her all the time, I don't think she was the best at interacting with Amelia and helping her develop.

I did ask her in the beginning before she took the job on what I expected, so there was part of the issue. And I simply don't appreciate laziness in a person. I think it filters over to a lot of areas in their lives. My nanny didn't make a mess of the house or anything, but she didn't have that initiative that I look for in any employee...in a nanny or otherwise. She is a good person and she asked me if I could help her out by paying her to clean my house, which I do even though I don't really need a cleaner now since I'm used to doing it myself. But I would never give her her old job back, even if my current nanny were to have to leave. Because in the end, it must be what you said...somehow, I didn't feel like she gave her best to my kid. I don't think it's a coincidence that my child's language shot through the roof when the new nanny came. Obviously I must have not been doing a good job with engaging my kid either!

 

[TravelingGal]

oh the other thing I wanted to say too is that if the baby was more like a 2 year old... I think she could be doing more. Because the kid can do more too--so while he is sleeping she could be setting up their next playtime thing, if it's crayons or playdoh or whatever...or making his lunch or whatever. But someone J's age...he really doesn't DO all that much, I just shuttle him from item to item, or sit with him and practice sitting or rolling over or whatever. Bottle is easy, you stick it in his mouth. J holds his own bottle now so I just float around while he eats. Etc. So I think it'd also depend on the age for me. For a toddler I'd prob expect them to do a bit more while he's resting just because the second he's up it would be go go go.

LOL, I'm the opposite...I think, toddlers take SO much out of you that please, feel free to give yourself a mental zone out (for an hour of course, not three!) It doesn't take much time to set something up for a toddler (at least not mine). It DOES take time to clean up after one though!

Whereas a baby doesn't do much, so why the heck do you need that much of a break? Of course, I do think sometimes doing nothing is more mentally exhausting, so I get that. But bottles can be cleaned, food can be prepped, and things can be cleaned so the baby isn't playing or chewing on dirty things.

Either way, there is always SOMETHING to do. I was happy if just ONE thing was an improvement when she left, and I told her as much. Could be a table dusted, a shelf of books organized, or some laundry folded. That doesn't take much time.

 

[Mara]

yeah again if the nanny is a total slack and i felt like she was mediocre at everything, including his care it's one thing. but if i felt like care was awesome and she just took breaks while he did, it would be fine for me. also some nannies do not want to do anything around the house and will balk at that if you ask because they will be like i am a NANNY and watch your kid, not your housekeeper or dog walker or whatever. that's why i say be sure to set expectations and hire accordingly.

but like for example--one of the nannies we'll have is in college. if J is sleeping and she wants to do schoolwork, fine. my sister used to watch him and i'd pay her and she'd do that. basically it meant she wouldn't stress out if i was late coming home because she was able to do her work at naptimes. i was fine with that. the other nanny is my friend's aunt who is like 55. she's older and so i totally respect if she needs to take a break here or there, from her i would expect more of the 'love like he's your own' and cuddle and interaction time, whereas the other nanny is younger and should have more energy so i will prob want her to work on more developmental stuff with him. also she is like 20 so how good at housekeeping do i expect her to be??

again i think everyone has their own threshold with things. and i do agree that i might think gee are you lax with his care too--but i can visually see how much he thrives when certain things are done for him, aka when i told my mom to focus on practicing sitting with him and we did it too, within 3 days he had a MARKED improvement with sitting. i was like damn we were kind of slacky on that! so if he wasn't hitting milestones or just lazing about like a slug then i might think gee what is she doing withhim all day. but if you can see development (aka like how amelia's language shot through the roof) then you know something positive IS going on.

(sorry ginger don't mean to take over your thread!!!)

 

[TravelingGal]

lol, yes, sorry Ginger, but I find this topic interesting!

Mara, you are right. Expectation is key. When I hired the first nanny, I wanted someone to help me around the house too. Most the nannies on craigslist offered nannying AND housekeeping.

What I realized, and maybe the point of all this is that a professional nanny usually does not do housekeeping, as many pointed out here. My nanny does not. And I don't expect it. But I also think she is a superb nanny. I'd still know the difference between someone who gives it her all vs someone who does not - regardless of the housekeeping issue.

Ginger, I hope this discussion helped. I really don't think you are out of line. But ask yourself if this is about the housekeeping or the quality of care your child is getting. If you are really truly happy about the childcare, then you might have to adjust your expectations. For me, the housekeeping was probably an indicator of more important things regardling Amelia's care.

 

[Mara]

I find it interesting too and I am kind of a stickler about CERTAIN things so I don't know why I am not like that with others.

Plus I think now that I am home with him on Fridays, I realize just how high maintenance he is and think GEE I don't think that I could do this day in and day out AND I feel like someone would have to pay me WAY MORE than what I am going to be paying to do it if it was not my kid!! I also don't know if I Was home with him if I would be the BEST person to help 'teach' him.

So since I am not paying 5 arms and legs for the care and I find it rather affordable, maybe I adjust my mental expectations accordingly?

I was also thinking back to that thread where someone asked if the nanny taking the kids shopping was ok -- I don't think I'd be ok with that IF it meant he was missing his nap and/or doing something else he should be doing, but if it was not a nap time and/or he had eaten and it was an outing for the day, why not. Assuming I was ok with her driving with him--she had a carseat, etc etc.

 

[TravelingGal]

I find it interesting too and I am kind of a stickler about CERTAIN things so I don't know why I am not like that with others.

Plus I think now that I am home with him on Fridays, I realize just how high maintenance he is and think GEE I don't think that I could do this day in and day out AND I feel like someone would have to pay me WAY MORE than what I am going to be paying to do it if it was not my kid!! I also don't know if I Was home with him if I would be the BEST person to help 'teach' him.

So since I am not paying 5 arms and legs for the care and I find it rather affordable, maybe I adjust my mental expectations accordingly?

I was also thinking back to that thread where someone asked if the nanny taking the kids shopping was ok -- I don't think I'd be ok with that IF it meant he was missing his nap and/or doing something else he should be doing, but if it was not a nap time and/or he had eaten and it was an outing for the day, why not. Assuming I was ok with her driving with him--she had a carseat, etc etc.

I think the difference, as the others said, you are his MOTHER.

The key to having a nanny, IMHO, is understanding that no one else (assuming the mother is the primary caretaker) is ever going to do a better job than mom, and leaving some understanding for it. But also, that the nanny is someone who is getting PAID to take care of your child, so in some ways, they need to be more diligent than you.

I understand about you wondering if you are the best person to "teach" him. Many of us moms get stuck in a rut. Even though I engage Amelia, out of habit, I find myself using the same language and the same thing. The best example I can think of this is when she brought a play hotdog over to me and I said, "Oh, it's a hot dog." She looked down at it, looked up at me and said with conviction, "SAUSAGE!" Same item, but looked at in a different way by a different person. My nanny is constantly finding new things to do with her because it's her job, and she wants to have fun doing it.

As for shopping...if I had a baby and it was good for the baby to get out and see things, then maybe I'd be OK with it. With a toddler, no way. There are tons and tons of other interactive, engaging activities for toddlers to be doing with their nannies than going to a mall...unless it's to run through those fun water fountains!

 

[phoenixgirl]

What would concern me about the scenarios described by the posters who found their nannies sleeping is that the nannies were so deeply asleep that they didn't hear somebody enter the home. On the rare occasion when I nap while Claire is napping, I snap awake instantly when she starts making noise. I'm not lying there completely zonked out. And since you'd figure most nannies don't want to be caught napping, I guess it's disturbing that they're too deeply asleep to keep an ear open . . .

 

[gingerB]

firstly, our door makes a ding when it opens -- the bell is located in thehallway outside his room. i was in our bedroom fiddling around for an HOUR doing this and that -- our bedroom is located next to his room. i could clearly hear her snoring the entire time. snoring. obviously sound asleep as she did not realize i was at home that day at all. this to me is not a situation where i feel like i can trust her to snap-to in the off chance something bad was happening (fire, someone breaking in, gas leak, whatever...).

secondly, also i don't want it to get to the point where she counts on being able to nap at work. i.e decides to stay up late doing whatever because "no worries, i can nap at work." what if A decides to not nap that day? so she's groggy and tired, more likely to be impatient with him, less likely to be alert to danger should he head into a dangerous situation -- less likely now with his limited mobility, but what about when he's crawling or walking?

and thirdly, yes i sleep at night. ummm..i have to. is it a relative danger to be asleep and not wide awake watching my kiddo, of course it is. but i sleep because I HAVE TO. does she HAVE TO nap. no. is it my kid and i take the chance of sleeping ( have to OR want to)? yes. does she get to make that choice about my kid? no.

fourthly, she naps when he naps, therefore what "chores" she does do (currently only washing his 4 bottles) she does while he is awake -- therefore is not using that time to engage him etc...

"The key to having a nanny, IMHO, is understanding that no one else (assuming the mother is the primary caretaker) is ever going to do a better job than mom, and leaving some understanding for it. But also, that the nanny is someone who is getting PAID to take care of your child, so in some ways, they need to be more diligent than you. "

i totally agree -- esp applying to the nap/diligence issue.

threadjack -- no worries, the discussion is actually on topic and interesting to me too (which is why i posted in the first place) and hearing you two hash it out really does help.

tgal -- wow, your old nanny sounds a bit like my current one. but she's not because this one is young (our age), american, and speaks perfect english. i agree there IS always something to do. do i expect her to be busy 100% of the time. no. but when even the minimum isn't done am i unhappy knowing she uses that time to nap instead? umm YEAH. we have been really laid back with her and i think she is taking advantage. when she first started, she organized his drawers and occ neatened up the living room (small stuff, like straightening the throw pillows). none of that has been happening for a while now.

did i mention i know she watches TV everyday also because she turns it off wrong? and his toys are dirty, and there is his dirty laundry strewn about. if his stuff was done, would i care that she watches TV while he naps? NOT AT ALL. i actually told her she could when she started. does it bother me in this current situation? clearly it does.

mara -- my expectations may be higher because i am literally paying htis woman my entire salary (with two weeks PAID VACATION) to take care of A and his things (which we did specify when she started). would i be less annoyed if i could easily afford it...maybe. would i be less annoyed with the napping if everything else met my expectations...maybe. is she great with A...yes. irreplaceable...no. i'm not expecting her to clean the house ( i also have someone come in 2x a month to do the heavy cleaning -- bathrooms, vacuuming, etc...) but i DO expect her to take care of his toys, bottles, clothes and room. not vacuuming, but keeping it tidy, drawers neat, toys cleann. ie.e occ his bottle leaves a waterstain on the drawer top. she doesn't think to quickly wipe it clean. she leaves his dirty bibs all over the house insted of putting them in the hamper. things like that.

sha - "I would see napping as a waste of her paid time as well. As a full time employee, she needs to sleep when most other regular employees sleep - at nights! Not on her job." YES. thank you.

 

[TravelingGal]

Ginger, by your post, I think you have your answer.

What does "our age?" mean? I am 38, so I am assuming you mean you and your DH's age? I have found that young nannies can be lumped in the group I mentioned - i.e., nannying because it's a good option to make decent money, not because they love kids. Again, just a gross (and probably unfair) generalization.

 

[phoenixgirl]

You said she is great with him in your original post, but now that you have mentioned the TV watching too, I am wondering if maybe she's really not doing much at all??? I'm with you; you shouldn't be paying somebody almost your entire salary to laze about the house!!!


Maybe you can look for somebody new on Care.com as somebody mentioned???

Hugs!!! I know this is frustrating. Being away from your babe is tolerable only because you know he's being well taken care of, but if not (not that she sounds negligent, just kind of lazy and not spectacular by any means), then what is the point? I hope you can resolve this pretty quickly!

P.S. If you decide to keep her, maybe you can change the TV rule. When Claire was a newborn, she was nursing for 40 min at a pop and I was recovering from surgery, so I watched a lot of tv. Now that she's more aware, I don't want to fry her brain or anything with the boob tube on all the time. I definitely think it's appropriate to ask that she not watch tv WHILE AT WORK!

 

[zoebartlett]

I think you know what you want (to let your nany go) and you're looking for validation.

Personally, I still think you need to be very explicit in your directions to her from here on out, see how it goes for a while (maybe 2 weeks?), and then decide on what the next step will be after ging her a chance to do things the way you expect. It might be to keep her on or it might be to let her go.

As for the sleeping issue, I wouldn't like it (I'm not a parent, but if I was...). I've worked as a nanny, and some families expected things that others did not. I've focused on the kids in all situations, but I've also always prepared food, did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, picked up after the child/children (if they were too young to help), and made sure the living room or family room (whichever room we played in or hung out in most often) was tidied up before the parents returned home. That was the minimum, and no one had to spell it out for me (unlike your nanny, I guess). Other families wanted me to do their laundry, dust, mop, and do other household chores. That was fine; we had agreed to it up front.

I would never have thought to take a nap though, no matter how much "free time" I had. Sure, there was down time, and more of it if the child I was caring for was a baby. I just made sure to bring a book, school work, or something else to do when the child was napping. It never would have crossed my mind to curl up and go to sleep during the day. I have fallen asleep occasionally though when I was babysitting at night and the parents came home really late. I remember feeling embarrassed that I would get caught sleeping, even if it was, say 1AM, or some other late hour. But that's kind of a different thing than you're talking about, Ginger.

 

[honey22]

I realise looking after a child is exhausting work, but she gets around 3 hours 'downtime' so to speak, and it's not like she is up a few times in the night looking after the child. A lot of other jobs are just as physically and emotionally demanding and you don't see workers getting a few hours of napping in the daytime.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to ask her to stop napping on the job. It sounds like it's a good opportunity to have a bit of a review chat with her and let her know your expectations

Good luck!

 

[GliderPoss]

Wow. I've been a nanny (not full time) and sleeping on the job is a complete no no. Sorry I know it's tough work to be fully engaged constantly with kids BUT I honestly think there is no excuse for this woman to be paid by you - to sleep!?! Clearly she wasn't "napping" she was so deeply asleep she didn't know you were even home - what if you were an intruder and a threat to your child?

I agree with the others that all extra duties need to be mapped out early on. Not all nannies do housework but they are expected to spend their paid time looking after your child. Nothing else.

Sorry either you have a very serious talk and make it plain she needs to step up her act immediately - baby-related duties & no sleeping etc or time to find a new nanny....

 

[Mara]

I agree with TG...from your post you already have your answer.

She's not irreplaceable to you. You expect more and she's not giving it. So let her know she needs to do more, you are unhappy and if she doesn't shape up then find a new nanny. I know it's a PITA but you are clearly unhappy with her level of commitment here so it's within your power to do something about it.

I don't think you even need to ask about if you are unreasonable...again you are the one paying the salary and if it isn't working for you, change the situation. He's your child, you know how you want him taken care of, end of story.

I also agree with TG re: some younger nannies don't do it because they LOVE kids. They do it because the money is usually pretty good and the hours are flexible meaning they can be in college and still make some decent money. It's not all of them of course but they are out there.

 

[Laila619]

Tgal, interesting! Can I ask, why did you expect Amelia's first nanny to do housekeeping duties but not the current one?

ginger, just have a friendly chat with her and I'm sure it'll all work out. She probably has no idea you're upset!

 

[TravelingGal]

Tgal, interesting! Can I ask, why did you expect Amelia's first nanny to do housekeeping duties but not the current one?

Because when I looked for a nanny back then on craigslist, I was looking for someone who did light housekeeping. Her ad said she would.

After my first nanny, I decided to look for a different type of nanny, hence why I went on care.com (not that care.com is the be all end all) and didn't require housekeeping. All of the nannies that I was checking out were just nannies, not cleaners.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I used to nanny and if God blesses DH and me with a child soon we'll probably need to hire a nanny as well...so, I've thought about this alot.

When I nannied, I was a super nanny/type A care giver who felt that if parents were paying me I should give them the max bang for their buck, so when the children (infant twins and a 4 year old sibling for my full-time live-in gig and and infant who then grew up to be a toddler and had a baby sister for my live out gig) were napping I did dishes, cleaned up toys, did laundry, cooked dinner...I do the same type of things for babysitting or even watching my friend's kids which I do occasionally now. If it is really late (after midnight) I may sleep, but usually I ask if that's ok first.

Ginger, I don't necessarily think it's a problem that she's sleeping, but you aren't comfortable with it so it's not ok in this situation (FWIW, as a mom, I wouldn't be ok with it either). Nanny/parent relations can be tricky and there is a lot of grey area. I would just schedule 30 minutes while she is on the clock to talk to her, I would not call it a performance review, rather, a time to "check-in" or something. Make tea and sit down side to side and talk. Tell her all the things you love about her, esp. how great she is with your LO, and then say "As we discussed when you started, once you were comfortable and got to know A we'd phase in the rest of the job duties. Since you have bonded with him so well we think this is a great time to discuss the rest of the job duties..." then outline your expectations for dishes, cleaning, laundry cooking, whatever, and give her a chance to respond. Make sure you don't go beyond the scope of what you discussed at hiring, unless you are prepared to negotiate that with her for more $. Also, I would mentioned that you expect her to be awake and alert at all times while she's working so that she can quickly and effectively respond to A's needs or an emergency. In this convo, you can also ask her how she thinks things are going and if there are questions she has or anything that she thinks needs to be discussed.

Good nannies are hard to find, and there needs to be some chemistry between the nanny and the parents, as well as the nanny and child. So, if you like her and she's good with A, don't let resentment build on either end. Keep the lines of communication open and make sure you are both clear on your expectations.

Edit: So, while I was writing this, the debate raged on If you don't like her, terminate her contract however you discussed from the get-go (immediately, 2 weeks notice, whatever, and get a new one) If you do like her, then be clear about your expectations. As far as TV watching, I am 100% not ok with it for a nanny with my kids but don't mind if they watch while the child naps as long as all their other duties are done. If i felt they couldn't abide by that, I would either find a new nanny or password protect the tv.

did your nanny have references? did they mention any of this behavior?

 

[Steel]

Sorry if I missed this:

What makes you think this was more than a once off?

Not that it makes it any better if it were.

BTW: I really liked Bella's post. But if you are not happy then re-nanny yourself. Good luck.

 

[Mara]

any update Ginger? just curious if the issue has resolved after a discussion.

 

[icekid]

any update Ginger? just curious if the issue has resolved after a discussion.

I'm curious about a potential resolution too, Ginger. We're contemplating a nanny for the little man that is baking right now. Like you, it would require my entire salary (painful!!) It would be quite difficult to give my hard-earned cash to someone who spent any amount of their day sleeping (especially in this circumstance, given she has not even been cleaning up after the baby.)

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Ginger- chiming in late, but am hopeful that a resolution has taken place.

Also, this was a VERY interesting as DH and I are in the midst of trying to answer that age-old question: Nanny, in-home daycare, or "big-box" daycare??