long vent: frustrated w/sister (MOH)

[psaddict]

Sorry! I posted my response before seeing your latest response. It's great that you guys got to talk things over!!

I see what you're saying about it depending on the person, but from what limited information I've gotten from these posts it seems that you *do* want at least a little bit of pampering, want people around you to show an interest and be excited to help out for your big day. (I would want the same!) I think it's these desires that are maybe making you feel hurt about your sister not getting excited. Your FI doesn't seem excited or interested in getting involved, so you're hoping that your sister will take his place since weddings are thought of as having a lot of girly elements to them. When she doesn't get involved it leaves you feeling unhappy or hurt. I don't think you would be as hurt by your sister's behavior if your FI were *volunteering* to get involved, and helping out without you having to feel like you're begging for a favor by asking for help. If he hears that you're meeting with a photographer, why not volunteer to come with you? He can still leave the final decision up to you, but I'm sure you'd appreciate his support & feedback, especially with something like the photos for the wedding, which has nothing to do with flower colors or ribbons.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 2/1/2007 4:30:49 PM
Author: psaddict
Hmm, I don''t think I would compare getting involved in wedding planning with mowing the lawn once a week.

Maybe you wouldn''t, but believe me when I tell you that many guys WOULD.....and they''d rather mow the lawn.

But, I think you''re taking the comment too literally and missing the point it served.......which was this: tasks--whether it''s planning a wedding or ANYTHING--don''t have to be divided down the middle. It can be "I''ll do this, and you can do that (which is something non-wedding related but still important)".

I''ve read several posts here from women who seem somewhat sad & disappointed that their FI avoids anything wedding related like the plague. This day only happens once in your entire life. Even if the guy thinks a lot of it is silly, and finds the preparation boring, why start out a marriage by showing your girl that even if something is really, really important to her and she''d be happy if her guy would get involved, he''s just not going to. Doesn''t feel like it. Not even going to pick a photographer? Who will be taking photos of the TWO of you, that will be passed down to your grandchildren? Why not show your future wife that if something is very, very important to her, and it would make her so happy if you got involved, you will do what it takes to help out and make sure she''s happy. And her happiness will be more than payment enough for the excruciating pain of helping out with wedding stuff. I''m sure that in coming years the wife will be doing plenty of things to make her guy happy, even if they aren''t her cup of tea.

I guess we''ll just have to agree to disagree on this one, PS addict. I think it''s a bit ridiculous to expect someone to feign interest in the details if they aren''t detail people and just don''t really have a preference about what kind of flowers go into the bouquet. Truly, will the bride miss out on eternal happiness if her FI doesn''t consider the color of the bridesmaids'' dresses a life-or-death decision?

It''s kind of pointless to me to consider the groom''s interest in nit-picky details as some kind of barometer of how much he wants to get married....?!?!?! He proposed, right? So, I''m guessing he DOES want to get married.

What surprises me more than anything is that so many women seem totally oblivous to a very good reason guys don''t want to get involved or make decisions......because they''re afraid that something THEY like or THEY choose won''t turn out right and possibly spoil the bride''s wedding day. How great would he feel then? What guy relishes the thought of hearing from his wife for the next 25 years of his married life, "*I* wanted to pick so-and-so, but HE picked that person instead, and what a disaster that turned out to be!"

Think about it, ladies. Guys know that if they leave the details to us, we will be happy with the choices (because we picked them), and that they won''t start their married life under the cloud of what they didn''t do right for the wedding. Sounds pretty smart if you ask me.

 

[diamondfan]

I was sort of happy to be in charge of colors and menus, fiance only wanted to do the seating which I GLADLY let him what a nightmare that was! But did he care if I served baby greens with a champagne dressing or bibb lettuce with a walnut dressing? NO, unless it was food he hated. He is a cheeseburgers and junk food kind of guy, so a fancy menu is not his forte, and he could care less what my bridesmaids wore or what color the napkins were!

J-I am so glad it all is going well now. Communication is so important. I am sure she will be wonderful and involved in ways that are meaningful to you...just tell her along the way, and never let things build up!

 

[janinegirly]

aljedewey...i agree with your post...pretty much on the mark!

 

[psaddict]

In your situation, you may have preferred for your FI to butt out entirely, and not assist with much of anything. I don''t just mean specifics about ribbon and flower colors. There are plenty of aspets of a wedding, such as food, music, guests, photographer, location, that are not "girly things." But, I think an FI should be supportive, offer to help throughout the process, and if the bride chooses to say "no thanks I''ve got it under control!" that''s the bride''s choice. What may make you happy won''t work for everyone, though. In Janinegirly''s post:

"But yes, of course it frustrates me when I hear other brides assume the FI comes to photographers, whereas I''ve programmed myself to not even expect it.
You''re all probably right, maybe this is why i''m taking it out more on my sister, but i guess it would have been nice for her to fill the void"

It frustrates her to hear that other FIs go to pick the photographer? She wants her sister to "fill the void" that her FI left? Do you not agree that if something would make your spouse or soon-to-be spouse very happy, you should do what you can to make them happy? Are you saying that a woman who is a bit saddened or frustrated by her FI''s lack of helping with anything should just accept that he isn''t going to make any attempt to make her happy because weddings are boring to him?

 

[janinegirly]

PS Addict, you can let it go...i think highlighting portions of my older posts and beating a dead horse is not serving the purpose of this thread anymore. I appreciate all the repsonses/feedback during my vent (and WE ALL have vents as we go through planning, up days and down days-- and thank goodness for this board as a result), but the vent is over and as my updates indicate, things are good now. Your parsing of how you think I feel, or how an FI SHOULD behave are your personal takes on the situation, and maybe appropos to your style, but not necessarily to others. Personally, I am more in the camp of Aljdewey''s post---I think it''s a very practical and realistic and insightful view. But again, that''s just ME. So let''s wrap up this topic..

 

[psaddict]

Well, I wasn''t planning to continue discussing the pros and cons of FIs getting involved in wedding planning, but ajsjewelry responded to my post, quoting my post, so I figured I should respond, to say that the whole mindset of "I''ll just deal with him not getting involved even though if he would at least get involved somewhat it would make me very happy" doesn''t work for everyone.

 

[Pandora II]

Mine has compromised on:

You do all the research and then show me the final choices, which is an improvement on almost zero interest.

Anyway - be thankful - at least you haven''t got to find an elegant way of having a dinosaur cake. (Grooms''s cake was not okay

) That''s what happens when FI gets too involved.

Nearly forgot - place we''re getting married is the site of the Battle of Hastings 1066 and has people dressed as norman knights hopping around in chainmail outside. Yup, you''ve guessed it - FI thinks that would be a great alternative to morning dress.

Great news about your sister!

 

[ljmorgan]

I never expected my MOH to go dress searching with me, or meet with photographers. She couldn''t come on days that I could shop for dresses, she has a little one and she''s busy. And I really doubt she wanted to meet with photographers with me. Also, no one else sees these shopping trips and meetings as "once in a lifetime" the way the bride will. Trust me, after the wedding... photographer meetings and early dress hunting trips are NOT what you''ll remember of your engagement time and the wedding. If her nonchalant attitude truly bothers you, have a sit down and let her know you''d really like for her to come along on things, and that it would mean a lot to you.