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long vent: frustrated w/sister (MOH)

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janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
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i''m really frustrated with my sister. I''m in my 30''s and she''s in her early 20''s, so yes, she''s younger than me, but still an adult (and living with her bf, so obviously wants to live like an adult). She''s kind of clueless on MOH duties, so I sent her a couple of links, and give her advice along the way.

last week, i started my dress search, alone. She works in NY, so it would have been easy for her to join me, but she told me she would be too tired after work. This really really disappointed me. My dress search is a once in a lifetime (and I ended up taking a dress, so it''s over now), and she wasn''t able to step up. Days later, she never even dropped me a line to ask how it went. She did however find time to ask about BM dresses and if they would be flattering.

So fast forward to this week--I''m going home (to NJ) to help my mom with selecting photogs. My sister lives in NJ, about 10mns from my parents. It''s a trek for me from NY, but obviously I''m ok with it and need to help my mom. I asked that my sister join. She just told me she can''t because she has a "superbowl party" that she needs to help out with. Now I''m just p/o''d. Does she not get that this is once in a lifetime? If she was not my sister, I''d be more understanding. I''ve told my mom about this and said I''m so disappointed, and she just says oh "she''s young", as if she gets a permanent pass because she''s younger. As the older sister, I''ve done ALOT for my sister throughout the years--always looking out for her and protecting her, and now that I was hoping for her to step up ONCE, and she keeps coming up w/lame excuses, I''m really fed up.

Thoughts? Last week I felt great about all my progress, this week I feel very down. MY FI is getting tired of hearing about wedding stuff and I feel like I''m carrying all the weight with no where to vent but here! Hopefully next week will be better...thanks for listening..
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
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Ugh, I feel for you, I really do! If you read my thread, you know my sister/MOH is giving me a hard time with the planning... Maybe you should talk to her about how this makes you feel? That''s what I keep getting told...
I hope it works out for you.
 

dtnyc

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Something I kept in mind during my planning was that it was my wedding and no one cared about it as much as me and my now husband.
I can understand the whole dress thing- but why would your sister want to meet with the photographer? It''s not really a fun/emotional thing like looking at dresses- it''s not like she is going to be in every picture or even get an album. Is your fiance completely uninterested? My husband met w/ most of the photographers with me.
 

musey

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My first instinct would be that she might be jealous. She''s "of marrying age" and has a live-in boyfriend, is it possible that all this wedding-planning stuff is hitting a sore chord with her? (Not that that excuses skipping out on her duties.)

I personally will not be expecting much more of my MOH than emotional support (she lives across the country) and perhaps help in planning the bridal shower. From what I''ve seen, this is more the "norm" now, and people have sort of bucked the traditional requirements of the position. It''s possible (since your sister and I are around the same age) that she''s had a similar experience to me, and really doesn''t understand what you''re expecting of her. I know that you''ve sent her "tips," but if she doesn''t know that those things are requirements, and not suggestions, she may view each individual duty as optional (even if you don''t).

Just a thought! Sorry she hasn''t been living up to expectations, but maybe things will get better after a good, long talk.
 

havernell

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I agree that you should let HER know how you feel. She may have no clue that she is hurting your feelings (and if she did know, she may act differently). Sending internet links is a good start, but no substitution for a nice, sit-down, sister to sister talk about your expectations of her as MOH . If you don''t tell her what you are thinking, she''s not going to be able to read your mind.

Plus, as dtnyc mentioned, she does have her own life. It sounds like this Superbowl party was planned way before you asked her to join you and your mom with the photo thing. If she was free that day, perhaps she would have come. But, it would be rude of her now to up and ditch her friends (whom she already promised to help) to be with you. If she had agreed to help you and then ditched you for a party would you feel good? No. So, she doesn''t want to do this to her friends either.

I''m not saying you don''t have the right to feel upset. She''s your sister and you want to share this time with her, which is totally understandable (esp with the dress picking excursion). But, it does take some perspective to realize that not everyone is on the Knot and PS everyday thinking about weddings non-stop.

Again, I think just talking frankly with her will help. And it shouldn''t be just you talking TELLING her what she needs to do. It may be wise to start to conversation by ASKING her what role she sees herself playing/ what she WANTS to help with. Finding out where she is coming from will help the two of you plan together without her feeling like you''re just bossing her around.

Good luck with it!
 

sumbride

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I can see why you''re frustrated, but it''s your wedding, not hers. I agree with dtnyc that nobody else cares as much about your wedding as you and your FI do. And that''s ok! You want help, but she''s not a slave. Going to the photographer does seem like something that you should do with your FI, not your MOH. I think you need to talk to her about exactly what you expect and give her a chance to speak up about her schedule. If you want her along, it has to fit into her life too.

My MOH lives in Boston and I live in Baltimore... she hasn''t been able to go to things with me. She was worried that I''d be let down but I told her the bulk of her duties were on the wedding weekend, not before. She''s chatting with the bridesmaids via email, and we talk and email often. She''s keeping me sane. She is trying to visit to help me look at dresses but if she can''t be here, I''ll be ok with it. But then I realize that she has her life too and can''t really reschedule everything for me.

Do you have other BMs, maybe closer to your age, that can help you more?
 

janinegirly

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thanks for the responses.
i agree i don''t really need my sister at the photogs. but after she totally dissed me on the dress search (when it really meant a lot to me and I did express this to her, but she just ignored it), i thought this was chance #2 for her to redeem herself..seeing how it''s basically in her neighborhood (ie an easy thing to do). I don''t come home very often, so generally when I''m home, it''s not unsual for the family to rally. I think I am more upset about it b/c it''s my sister, not so much MOH. I really don''t see friends and superbowl parties as superceding family and that''s how i''m looking at it. I feel each event she "misses" is an event that will never pop up again. It is clear to me that she will participate in anything only IF it doesn''t interfere with her schedule. I have let her know my thoughts and I also told my mother, who at first, dismissed me, but then when I said it more firmly, agree tol have a word with my sister. My sister and I are very close so she does know this is a big deal for me.

As for FI, he is not thrilled with wedding planning so I feel like I have to shelter him or else it''ll annoy him. So I''m doing everything possible on my own and run things by him that really require his input. Even then he seems to cringe. He still hasn''t asked his last groomsman. Still hasn''t researched honeymoon or looked at his guestlist, and that''s pretty much all he has on his plate. I booked the band on my own too--he did look at dvd''s with me, but just said he couldnt'' tell the difference. So I picked and put the deposit down myself. This week he said he''s tired of talking about wedding stuff (?). Meanwhile, I feel like he''s got it pretty good. So as a result, I don''t even expect him to come and screen photographers. So with my sister being flaky, I feel pretty alone. Like I said, maybe things will be better next week..it could be worse.
 

FacetFire

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I can''t tell you how much I know where you''re coming from. My FI isn''t all that into wedding planning. He''ll look at things when I ask him to, and does a good job being interested, but I feel like I have to try and cut down the wedding talk around him...I know he gets annoyed if he feels we talk about it too much. Meanwhile, my sister, also younger (23) and my MOH, isn''t exactly dependable. I finally had it out with her over Christmas and told her that I had worries about her being in the wedding....though, for different reasons than you do...she likes to disagree with me and get me riled up. Also, I took her and my mom dress shopping over the holiday, and we only went to one BM store and one wedding gown store, and they acted so bored! It kinda hurt. I was''t even a BM for one of my friends and I let her drag me to 3 bridal shops and stayed excited and interested for her the whole time! Honestly, I wish I had some great piece of advice, but the best I can suggest is talking to her. Let her know you are hurt by her behavior and that you were hoping she''d be more into it and excited for you. Tell her that she is important to you and so her disinterest carries more weight than other people''s would. As for your FI, definitely find a friend who doesn''t mind being chatted up about the wedding...I have a couple that I can rotate between so as not to bore them, and it really helps. Good luck!
 

psaddict

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It sounds like you are just as sad/disappointed with your FI as with your sister, if not more so. Maybe his lack of participation or excitement makes it hurt that much more when your sister also doesn''t seem that dedicated or excited about the planning. If I were you I''d talk to both the FI and sister about how all of this is affecting you, and let them know that you''d really like for both of them to play a major part in planning the big day.
 

musey

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Date: 1/31/2007 2:58:45 PM
Author: psaddict
It sounds like you are just as sad/disappointed with your FI as with your sister, if not more so. Maybe his lack of participation or excitement makes it hurt that much more when your sister also doesn''t seem that dedicated or excited about the planning. If I were you I''d talk to both the FI and sister about how all of this is affecting you, and let them know that you''d really like for both of them to play a major part in planning the big day.
Right on, psaddict. Exactly what I was thinking.
 

decodelighted

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As an older sister (of five siblings - two who married before me, and for whom I was a BM) I will say this --

There's a certain bliss that comes from lowered expectations.

Things aren't gonna change radically just because you're getting married ... why would you even imagine that people for whom you've always "done" would miraculously start "doing for you"? Maybe they *should* ... in an ideal world ... it would be *nice*. But REALISTICALLY - that goes against their nature. People do what they do and they mostly just care about themseleves (i.e. -- "is the BM dress flattering?") IMO older siblings get trained differently from the get-go ... we don't have to change our very *nature* to be a BM or MOH.

You can talk to her - tell her what you'd like to happen, how you'd like her to behave -- OR -- ask her what she wants to do etc etc ... but, ultimately, she's gonna be HER. She's gonna do what she's always done and it really shouldn't come as too much of a suprise.


ETA: I agree with the folks who predicted that you're REALLY frustrated with your fiance, but it's easier/safer to focus your fury on your sister. He's learning that pouting & getting -issy is the way to get out of responsibility BTW. I'd be more worried about why HE isn't "into it" than why your sister isn't.
 

sumbride

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I agree that you also need to talk to your FI.

I had an argument with my FI about his lack of interest in wedding planning a few months ago. When we got down in it, I realized that he thought I was starting too early. He didn''t understand how long it could take, or that certain decisions needed to be made right away. He also wasn''t interested in certain aspects, but there were some he was interested in. I talked to him about what he was interested in... music, food, honeymoon, ceremony... and I kept the flowers and dresses to myself. I give him "updates" but he sees it more as me telling him about my day than talking about the wedding because he recognizes that I do spend a lot of time on it now. But sometimes I just have to put down the binder and get back to spending time with him... remember why we''re getting married in the first place.
 

janinegirly

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my FI is not that into this because he is not a huge fan of weddings (this is not to say he''s not "into" marriage). He would have been fine with eloping. I''m the one who wanted a traditional wedding and he''s okay with that and wants me to be happy and have this be special for me. But as a result, he is not "excited" about all the steps and is more indifferent and defaults to whatever I like.

with my personailty (probably comes with being "first born/oldest" as someone pointed out), I tend to take care of everything and not want to bother people. so I shelter him from it. But yes, of course it frustrates me when I hear other brides assume the FI comes to photographers, whereas I''ve programmed myself to not even expect it.

You''re all probably right, maybe this is why i''m taking it out more on my sister, but i guess it would have been nice for her to fill the void instead of also not being there for me. I''m still po''d about her not making more effort on the dress search though!! sigh...today is just blah! I promise to be more normal tomorrow...

PS Facet..thanks for sharing! It makes me feel better to hear someone else can relate!
 

dmamsquared

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Think about the dynamics. There is a pretty big span in age there between you and your sister. You're mature, settled and focused. She's immature, unsettled and bouncing all over the place. Wisdom comes with age and experience. You've got both on her! Make you expectations known, but try not to act like a nagging parent in the process.

Your FI does not share your enthusiasm. Doesn't sound like that's a big surprise to you. Some guys do and others don't. You gave him an OPTION. He took the easy way out. Pick your battles. Choose a few details and make your EXPECTATIONS known. Personally, I didn't care that my man deferred to me. It was my show and I wanted to run it my way. I even took care of the honeymoon details because that's my strength. He paid for it... but I found the deal. You learn to compliment one another. And it's learned behavior for all involved. So speak up, but don't make everything an issue.
 

psaddict

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Some may not agree, but I don''t really get the "he''s not that interested in wedding planning so I''m gonna let him stay out of it and not get involved." If having a traditional wedding is important to you, I don''t see what''s wrong with expecting him to want to make sure this day is special for you. What if some guy thinks that Valentines day is silly, but his girlfriend or wife wants to receive flowers and go out to dinner on V-day? I would think it was weird if he didn''t do anything for her even though he knew it was important to her to feel special on this day. Same goes for wedding planning.

Maybe you don''t like doing all the things he likes to do, and he doesn''t like to do all the things you like to do, but you make compromises sometimes to make each other happy. I don''t think the guy should be able to skip out on all the wedding planning because he "doesn''t feel like it."
 

ImpatientOne

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I feel your pain, Janine. It''s so disappointing when we expect someone to step up to the plate for us on something this important and they drop the ball.
 

bee*

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I can see how you''d be hurt that she didnt go dress shopping with you, but I can also see it from her side in relation to the photographers and that sort of stuff. I know you''ve said that your FI isnt really into planning the wedding but it really is his place to be there. I''d be very upset if D doesnt make a bit of an effort with our wedding planning. I dont mean that he has to be there for every step of the planning, but I want him to at least look interested. Is there any way that you can get your FI to go and do some of the wedding things with you.
Much as you wanted the big wedding, he agreed so he should show a bit of interest in the planning. Is there a reason that he hasnt asked the final groomsman?
 

~*Alexis*~

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My .02 cents.....
My brother is getting married in June...I love my FSIL........BUT.........a BIG BUT....she sends me this letter about her bridal shower...her bachelorette party...when she wants it...what she wants to do...where she wants to go....yeah....ok plan it yourself....

YOU yourself are the person getting married. She has a life too ya know. Looking at dresses for someone who has a live in BF is NOT something BM''s want to do....for the most part anyways.....


Let her do her thing. You could be coming off as overbearing.....give her some notice on these outings, more than a week would work best. Make a day out of it. But dont send her links for stuff, dont get mad if she doesnt want to help out with every little detail. It could be jealousy. It could be something else...


Look at it this way...
you are a MOH with a busy and hectic schedule. You have this bride who sends you links all the time and wants you to throw this party, look at dresses, and go to a photographer....hmmm.....what would you think....????

I say this nicely because I have a bridezilla from hell.....seriously on my case.....she sends me stuff all the time and expects me to pay for things all the time.....its frustrating...be patient and talk to her about it...she might change her tune

 

zdrastvootya

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Date: 1/31/2007 3:40:19 PM
Author: psaddict
Some may not agree, but I don''t really get the ''he''s not that interested in wedding planning so I''m gonna let him stay out of it and not get involved.'' If having a traditional wedding is important to you, I don''t see what''s wrong with expecting him to want to make sure this day is special for you. What if some guy thinks that Valentines day is silly, but his girlfriend or wife wants to receive flowers and go out to dinner on V-day? I would think it was weird if he didn''t do anything for her even though he knew it was important to her to feel special on this day. Same goes for wedding planning.

Maybe you don''t like doing all the things he likes to do, and he doesn''t like to do all the things you like to do, but you make compromises sometimes to make each other happy. I don''t think the guy should be able to skip out on all the wedding planning because he ''doesn''t feel like it.''
I''m a guy, and I have to agree with psaddict. I didn''t exactly enjoy a lot of the wedding planning stuff, but I knew it was very important for the missus to have support in the doing and deciding. She left me out of the real tedious stuff. You''re making compromises by leaving him out of a lot of things. He needs to step up a bit. (In my circle, the men groan but know it''s their duty to participate. Not sure what the norm is for your circle of friends/area.)

If your sister is falling into the not-helpful category, especially after your feelings are known be prepared to do without her.

Z.
 

dtnyc

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JG- I hope I didn''t come off as defensive of your sis...

I was thinking back to when I was the MOH for a friend when we were 24- I was not in a relationship and in NO WAY jealous at all of the wedding/attention/etc.
She really thought that I would care about the chair covers she chose- she brought them into work (we were school friends and then ended up working in the same place) - I was mortified, I found it so unprofessional to bring the wedding stuff into the work place.
One thing we did that I remember really liking was going to shop for shoes for her, and doing some registry stuff (not all of it though!) and getting our make-up done. I also helped out w/ the shower that her sister threw her, and I hosted the b-rette party (we started at my apt w/ cocktails, apps and games.) So I think I was a pretty decent MOH. This being said I am no longer friends w/ this person and it''s in part because she felt I didn''t live up to my title- I didn''t want to go out to her parents'' house after the wedding to see the proofs (or maybe I didn''t want to look at them in the office?)

Nevertheless I kept her high expectations of me in mind when I had my wedding. Some BP members are going to be more into it than others...

Think about what your sister likes- is she into hair/makeup? ask her well in advance if she would like to come to your trials. Does she love to go out to eat or have a sweettooth? See if she would like to be included in the tastiings. Of course since she expressed an interest in the BM dresses you should go shopping w/ her (maybe with lunch or wine on you afterwards?) to look at BM dresses. There are ways of involving her that don''t seem like a task and that would be bonding activities she could enjoy.

Yes, it is your wedding and it is all about you and no one is going to care as much as you.
 

TravelingGal

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OK, here''s my pseudo helpful tip for the day: can you and your sis just hang out and have some time to enjoy each other first, without wedding stuff involved so much? Maybe once she sees how excited you are, and sees you just want to have quality time with her, she may turn around.

Here''s my not so helpful insight for the day: It is generally not fun being a bridesmaid. Maybe the first time, but it gets old very fast. It is not fun to organize parties (unless you are generally into these things). It is not fun to spend heaps of money even though the bride is someone you care about. So many brides think it''s an honor, but I have yet to meet a bridesmaid who has been there, done that, who really wants to do it again. The only bridemaid I''ve ever met who was totally gung-ho was A) young, and B) about to get married herself and was building up a debt to be repaid when the bride became her bridesmaid.

Have patience with your sister....I agree with the others, this is your wedding and you will care about it the most.
 

Pandora II

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Hi Janine,

Just to say, my FI makes ''shutter coming down'' noises everytime I mention wedding stuff. Luckily it also means I get to decide everything myself. I have PS if I want to obsess and my mother occasionally. I''m not getting married till 07/08, but my venue only had 7 weekends a year available so I HAD to move fast. I feel uneasy if I don''t have the main bits fixed ultra-early. I know how fast time can go - FI thinks I''m nuts.

Re, your sister - I think you need to ask what she''d like to do and just run with that.
 

So_happy

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Nov 12, 2006
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I had the same problem with my 26 yr old sister/moh in the begining, but I realized I had all these expectations that just wern''t going to be my reality. So...I started getting comfortable doing things myself. And when I say ''comfortable'', I really mean that I have come to prefer it. I did present a well-worded email telling her how I felt she was disinterested blah blah blah and in response she told me she was very much happy and excited for me and that she''d try better to be more supportive but that she was having serious money problems at that time so she must have other things on her mind! I felt so self-centered when I read that!! lol. I immediately realized that I had to NOT buy into the world revoloving around me type of thinking and just have fun with it :)

Yes, I am still going dress shopping alone. I prefer it that way because I get to really think about what I want with out the extra opinions!!

She is great with rounding up my other BMs to get thier dresses ordered by the end of February and she happily came along for a group BM dress try-on day. That made me really happy :)

And my FI and I sort of do the rest together. I let her bring up the topic of wedding stuff (and she does) everytime we talk. I also make sure to ask questions about her life because I want her to know that I do care that her life is crazy too. I am comforted by the fact that she has been a BM for 3 previous weddings so she knows what to do pretty much.

It''s worked out very well so far!
 

diamondfan

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I think it is rough when we have certain expectations and are let down. I am NOT saying you should not have those expectations, but yet, as someone else stated, no one is as interested in your wedding and all that goes with it as you and your guy are. And that is okay, but it is hard to not get hurt when someone does not step up. I realize a lot of things are once in a lifetime, but they are more special to you than to others, so if she feels she made a commitment to friends, she is not likely to see your view. The dress shopping I would be pissed about, "tired" is kinda weak for something that important. I got married, I was younger by 3.5 years and my sister was single. I did not have any help from her. In fact I had the opposite. I shopped ALONE for my dress, and basically just ignored her crap since my mother told me she was going to be my MOH and that was that. My sister did much to ruin things and not much to help, and this was nothing new in our history together, so I asked her for nothing and told her very little about my plans. I would not speculate as to why your sis is acting like this. Could be jealousy, disinterest, being busy, not getting the significance (til it is HER wedding and then she will!)...it could be all or none or some of the above. Your mom''s that she is young is not something I would be thrilled about, youth is not the only thing that might cause her to act that way...BUT, she may lack some of the focus and maturity. So, I would try to get time to talk with her, try not to get upset, and just calmly let her know how you feel. Many times we think things are being done to us on purpose and the person doing the things is really surprised to know how we are feeling, they have no clue what is going on! So try this approach first, but realize people do let us down, sadly, and our wedding is not as important to others as it is to us. If she is going to be this way, better to know and accept it now and not expect much from her, be realistic about who and what she can give and it might be better for both of you. Again, though, wait til she gets married, often when the shoe is on the other foot, the person finally "gets" it which is nice but too late to be of help to you now!
 

KimberlyH

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Just my .02, but it seems to me you should have much higher expectations of your FI than your sister. He''s the one who is marrying you, and whether or not he is "into" weddings, it''s important to you and so, in turn, should be important to him, whether or not he enjoys the planning process. It is not your sister''s responsiblity to fill the void left by your FI.

I had no expecations of recieving assistance with planning our wedding from anyone but FI, because he was the one who wanted to marry me, which meant we had to have a ceremony of some sort and that required planning.

I''m sorry she''s disappointing you, but as others have said, your day doesn''t mean nearly as much to anyone else as it does to you and expecting her to behave in a manor that is not fitting of her personality for your sake is setting yourself up for frustration and disappointment. This doesn''t apply to FI, because it''s his day as well.
 

Gypsy

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Well... my MOH lives in a different state and is really busy. I asked her because she''s important to my life and I want her there with me when I''m pledging my vows... she''s my best friend other than my FI. But we haven''t done much planning together, although I call her when I absolutely need her advice. I had a friend in NJ who went wedding dress shopping with me in MOH absence or I dragged FI to all the shops... but I always made sure to accomodate my friend''s schedule. That''s the information that''s lacking here for me. Do you tell her your going X day and expect her to drop everything? Or did you say... I want to go shopping next week, what day is good for you? If you tried to accomodate her schedule, I understand your frustration. But if you didn''t and just expected her to fall in, I''m sorry, but I think that she was justified in saying no.

Also, I don''t think your DF''s behaviour is okay. It''s HIS wedding too. I would have MUCH higher expectations from him than of your sister. Bottom line, it''s not her wedding.
 

aljdewey

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Date: 2/1/2007 12:56:22 PM
Author: Gypsy

That''s the information that''s lacking here for me. Do you tell her your going X day and expect her to drop everything? Or did you say... I want to go shopping next week, what day is good for you? If you tried to accomodate her schedule, I understand your frustration. But if you didn''t and just expected her to fall in, I''m sorry, but I think that she was justified in saying no.

Also, I don''t think your DF''s behaviour is okay. It''s HIS wedding too. I would have MUCH higher expectations from him than of your sister. Bottom line, it''s not her wedding.
Gypsy said precisely what I was thinking and going to post......can''t tell from your quick summary if there were alternate times offered. If it was "hey, I want to go do this a night this week, and she said ''i''m too tired after work'', could you have scheduled an alternate time? Could you select a weekend? Take a day to hang out and play hooky together?

I echo what many have said....yes, it''s a once in a lifetime event for *you*, and while others might agree that it''s important, it''s likely not "drop everything else regardless" kind of important to them as it is to the bride.

Have to sort of disagree with all the "step it up" messages relating to FI. Weddings aren''t his thing, and you know it. You are the one that wants it, and in the spirit of trying to make you happy, he''s agreed to it. That said, guys just don''t relish all the details the way we do, and expecting them to isn''t terribly realistic in my personal opinion.

If you want his help, let him help with things he doesn''t detest and with thing he feels *qualified* to handle....i.e. walking the dog, taking the car for an oil change, and let him free you up from other tasks to do wedding tasks.

Not every task has to be a 50/50 venture. In my house, hubby mows the lawn 100% of the time. I do 100% of the laundry. It wouldn''t make sense to require each to do 50% of both tasks when I don''t like mowing and he doesn''t like laundry. Same wiht the wedding stuff.....he can help by doing other non-wedding things to free you up to do wedding things.

You can''t make him like the process, and you know he doesn''t like it to begin with, so this might be an easier form of compromise.
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
thanks for the responses. I talked to FI last night. He admitted he''s not too into wedding planning, but he thinks this is normal because he''s a guy so he''s not going to get as much out of the planning as I do. He says he does think he''s helping a lot (from his perspective) and he will offer me all the help and support i need through the planning phases. he thinks letting me make the final decisions on vendors IS him being supportive because it doesn''t matter too much to him, and this way I can have things the way I like. So at least it felt better to hear him say that. For my part, I agreed to not talk about the wedding non-stop b/c it was starting to get to him, and of course, i didn''t even reailze i had been talking about it so much.

and this morning i got a bunch of emails from my sister. she was very sweet and apologized and said she didnt'' mean things to happen like they did,..she misjudged that i''d find my dress so quick and said she arranged it so she could be there this weekend to visit photogs, and that she''ll help me with anything i ask. I didn''t expect quite taht much! I told her sorry, I was stressed yesterday, and it''s ok, she doesn''t have to come to the photogs with me, there will be plenty of other things she can help with in the future. so i have a really wonderful and thoughtful sister, which is why i guess i was hurt by the initial flakiness.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my vent, it''s a big help and you girls are the best!! only 8 months of this from me! :) The girls who followed my story from the LIW board must wonder when my stress ends! (hehe)
 

psaddict

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Dec 9, 2006
Messages
105
Hmm, I don''t think I would compare getting involved in wedding planning with mowing the lawn once a week. When a couple is married, of course they can figure out how to split daily household tasks in a way that works for both of them. I wouldn''t include a wedding in the tasks to be divided up category. I would put it in there with doing something sweet for your girlfriend for Valentine''s day even though you may think it''s silly or an annoyance. The FI does it because their gal wants to feel special, they want this day to be wonderful and memorable, and the FI wants to help them feel special on that day even if he feels bored when looking at menu options.

I''ve read several posts here from women who seem somewhat sad & disappointed that their FI avoids anything wedding related like the plague. This day only happens once in your entire life. Even if the guy thinks a lot of it is silly, and finds the preparation boring, why start out a marriage by showing your girl that even if something is really, really important to her and she''d be happy if her guy would get involved, he''s just not going to. Doesn''t feel like it. Not even going to pick a photographer? Who will be taking photos of the TWO of you, that will be passed down to your grandchildren? Why not show your future wife that if something is very, very important to her, and it would make her so happy if you got involved, you will do what it takes to help out and make sure she''s happy. And her happiness will be more than payment enough for the excruciating pain of helping out with wedding stuff. I''m sure that in coming years the wife will be doing plenty of things to make her guy happy, even if they aren''t her cup of tea.
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
well psaddict, i think maybe it depends on each couple and the girl. For me, I''m a very independent person and don''t require or enjoy a lot of help, attention or pampering..(NOT that that''s a bad thing, it''s just how I am). So for ME, I don''t really need my FI to be involved every step of the way if it''s not something he really really wants to do. Because in that case, I end up feeling guilty and it becomes an obstacle rather than a help.
Having said that, yea, I wish sometimes he''d show the same excitement as I do about wedding planning, but it''s true, that there are things he enjoys that I have no interest in--and I support him but can''t really get excited. I know he''ll be thrilled on our wedding day, but I''m not going to hold it against him if he doesn''t get the whole color combo thing or other details. I think he''d come with me to photogs in a second if i asked, or if it was in nyc, but i decided to do this on my own (go home to do it with my mom) so decision was made by me. My sister lives v. close to my mom, which is why I even thought to include her..she also has a passion for photography. I was down yesterday so maybe made it sound worse than it is..but i do really appreciate all the different feedback!
 
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