LIW freakout=bad=longer wait :(

[inflorescence]

The days leading up to New Years Eve were wonderful… site seeing in Paris, London for Christmas. We had so much wine, cheese and French bread… every moment was perfect and he constantly said how lucky he was to have found me, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and how in love he was with me. The night before New Years Eve my bf brought up my step dad and said that he would love for him to be the man who walks me down the aisle. There were many hints to get me thinking about a possible proposal was headed my way…. The week leading up to New Years Eve was beyond suspenseful because he kept talking about marriage, children and our life together abroad and once we arrived back in Canada… where we were going to live, our car, getting a dog… our families. My birthday is in December and he presented me with a tiffany’s box… I almost died, but then opened it up to find a beautiful necklace… maybe this was his decoy from me thinking about a proposal if he had just bought an expensive necklace. So he planned a whole New Years Day in Paris for us, through Christmas markets, art galleries and walking along the water… He even took me to the place earlier in the day to find a good view over the water to ensure we could see the Eiffel tower perfectly at night.
“Is this perfect? I want your New Years to be perfect!”
We were backpacking up to this point staying in hostels… when we went to Paris he surprised me by bringing me to a hotel for our few days there.

The whole day the build up was killing me!! We went to this authentic French cuisine restaurant for dinner, best meal I have ever had and then we picked up a bottle of champagne for the evening and glasses to celebrate.

My palms were sweating even though it was freezing out and my heart wouldn’t stop racing. We found a perfect spot on the bridge and chatted and joked… time flew by… and we met another couple on the bridge but they were drinking a ridiculous amount. As the clock turned midnight the packed streets erupted with noise, but all I could focus on was him and I…
Was this it? I kept thinking how he would ask, what he would say… My inside voice was screaming with excitement... the moment was perfect, the fireworks in the background. The Eiffel tower glistening and its reflection in the water….We kissed and sipped on the champagne… any moment now I kept thinking.. any moment now………………………….…. Ok already the build up is killing me……. Sigh… ok… he wants to change locations now… maybe there? Why hasn’t he done it yet? Ahhh… maybe its not midnight???

And then it hit me like a big brick wall… he’s not going to do it… it hit me when the couple we were standing beside left and forgot their Baileys on the ground… my bf picked it up and started to drink it……

REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!

Maybe I was upset cause he killed the perfect romantic moment… or that he built up such a perfect proposal… or that I was so set on him doing it… cause I WOULD HAVE PROPOSED IN THAT SITUATION!! Who takes a girl to Paris for New Years and doesn’t after talking nonstop about wanting to marry her?!?!?!

*sigh*

It gets worse… so instead of being calm cooled and collected in a huge crowd of people…. I knock the bottle of booze out of his hand and say “are you kidding me?” And then I began to cry…. I can not recall what I said….. (bad bad bad bad bad bad bad….) All I can say is he looked devastated and I felt like a spoiled stuck up bitch His face went from drunk and happy to hurt... (im a bad bad girlfriend)

We proceed to argue for the next 30 minutes in a crowd of millions as they pass by celebrating New Year Eve…. I am arguing between tears saying how I don’t appreciate the last several months of mind **** he’s put me through dropping hints that he is going to propose, saying he is going to do it soon, making jokes with my friends and family about it……he made everyone think he was going to propose to me… so much build up, so many fooling questions…………

It was very awkward traveling the next few days…..now it’s a huge sore spot... we don’t talk about it at all anymore…. he told me he was getting close to and was thinking of doing it in the near future… but now after seeing this “new dark side of me” he has a lot of rethinking to do…..

Insert sad/swear/yelling words here… I’m devastated and hurt….. and now rethinking the entire relationship… cause I clearly am more invested in this relationship then he is….. Long story short…take me off of the LIW list… by the sounds of it I won’t be back on for a long time

 

[amc80]

I don't like to condone LIW freakouts or bad behavior, but c'mon...what he did to you was just mean. He knew you were expecting a proposal at some point. I mean props to him for wanting to make your vacation special and all. But unless he's a complete idiot, he has to know what he was doing. Ideally he would have said before the vacation something like "I love you and want to marry you, but I'm not quite ready to propose. I just wanted to let you know so you can relax and enjoy the vacation."

But for him to say there's some "dark" side of you and he has to rethink everything? That's a bit dramatic. True, you did kind of act like a spoiled brat, but I think most of us would have done the same.

 

[suchende]

I guess it depends what you said. If it was something really hurtful (thinking of Charlotte in Sex and the City, whose LIW-itis included this gem: "Do you know how lucky you are to have me? Do you know what people think when they see us together?") But I am with AMC. He strung you along, and that was a dangerous game for him to play.

 

[iheartscience]

I don't like to condone LIW freakouts or bad behavior, but c'mon...what he did to you was just mean. He knew you were expecting a proposal at some point. I mean props to him for wanting to make your vacation special and all. But unless he's a complete idiot, he has to know what he was doing. Ideally he would have said before the vacation something like "I love you and want to marry you, but I'm not quite ready to propose. I just wanted to let you know so you can relax and enjoy the vacation."

But for him to say there's some "dark" side of you and he has to rethink everything? That's a bit dramatic. True, you did kind of act like a spoiled brat, but I think most of us would have done the same.

Ditto. Honestly I think you need to rethink marrying him since his "dark side" seems much worse than yours.

 

[Anonymous]

He took you to one of the most romantic places on earth, talked about his future with you nonstop, etc. and didn't preface it by saying "I don't want you to get the impression that I'm going to propose". Your reaction is pretty normal, all things considered.

Personally, I would have been CRUSHED. CRUSHED! There would have been no way in hell I could have held it together. I might have been able to until we were in private (secretly hoping he'd forgotten the ring, whatever excuse I could come up with to keep from having a meltdown right then)...but it would definitely have happened.

It's upsetting that he thinks you have a "dark side" because you want to marry HIM and were ultra disappointed, like more than you've ever been before (at least I'm assuming so, I would have been).

I'm sorry hun, but while you undoubtedly said things you shouldn't have, it's completely understandable. I had a very similar moment w/my (now FI) and instead of it making him doubt his decision, it made him man up and come up with a solid plan because he didn't want to hurt me, mislead me or make me think for one moment that he was putting it off. You deserve that too.

 

[inflorescence]

It's upsetting that he thinks you have a "dark side" because you want to marry HIM and were ultra disappointed, like more than you've ever been before (at least I'm assuming so, I would have been).

I was the most upset I have ever been in my entire life... disappointed is an understatement...I literally felt the world around me fall down, I found it hard to breathe...I have never in my life tried so hard to hold it together not breaking down .. and then reality hit.... The things I said were along the lines of, "how could you take a girl you love to the most romantic places and not have me think you were going to do this? Why would you do this to me? Do you get how much I am hurting? Do you care about me?!?! Why on Earth would you say all these things to make me think you were going to?!?! " Besides that I can't remember.....

 

[Anonymous]

It's upsetting that he thinks you have a "dark side" because you want to marry HIM and were ultra disappointed, like more than you've ever been before (at least I'm assuming so, I would have been).

I was the most upset I have ever been in my entire life... disappointed is an understatement...I literally felt the world around me fall down, I found it hard to breathe...I have never in my life tried so hard to hold it together not breaking down .. and then reality hit.... The things I said were along the lines of, "how could you take a girl you love to the most romantic places and not have me think you were going to do this? Why would you do this to me? Do you get how much I am hurting? Do you care about me?!?! Why on Earth would you say all these things to make me think you were going to?!?! " Besides that I can't remember.....

Awww

Have you guys been able to resolve anything with it yet though? Does he understand or has he apologized for misleading you and can he see why you would pretty much expect it given how Paris (at least for my circle of friends) isn't somewhere you go on a whim and there are a bazillion "oh he proposed in Paris on NYE and it was PERFECT!" stories?

 

[confusedaisy]

Hmm- I don't like the "rethinking" things comment. It makes you seem like a child who needs punishing and him seem like he is in a somewhat "higher place" than you (and in control- yes he buys the ring but you still need to say yes). I can totally understand your freak out but maybe, after all was said and done, it may have been best to discuss it the following day(s) after it happened when you had both calmed down. You definitely don't want him to think that you're some "mad" woman (not that freaking out about this AT ALL makes you mad... i would have been really dissapointed too!) but you also don't want him giving you a lecture and punishing you for being human. When did he say that comment? Recently or right after it happened?

 

[Blackpaw]

That sucks, i would have reacted the same way. And it does sound like you are more invested in this than he is. The line about the 'dark side' and the comment about how he was going to do it in the near future is complete bs IMO. He hadnt planned on proposing, he's trying to put this back on you and wriggle himself out of it, or gain himself more time.

Do you mind if i ask how long you've been together? Although despite the answer you'd obviously talked about marriage so its not like your expectation of a proposal is unreasonable AT ALL. And especially with the uber-romantic stuff going on...

Grr im mad on your behalf - dont sell yourself short, he deserved to be yelled at! id say an honest conversation is needed

And i hope you feel better soon. *****Hugs*****

 

[Echidna]

I don't like to condone LIW freakouts or bad behavior, but c'mon...what he did to you was just mean. He knew you were expecting a proposal at some point. I mean props to him for wanting to make your vacation special and all. But unless he's a complete idiot, he has to know what he was doing. Ideally he would have said before the vacation something like "I love you and want to marry you, but I'm not quite ready to propose. I just wanted to let you know so you can relax and enjoy the vacation."

But for him to say there's some "dark" side of you and he has to rethink everything? That's a bit dramatic. True, you did kind of act like a spoiled brat, but I think most of us would have done the same.

Ditto. Honestly I think you need to rethink marrying him since his "dark side" seems much worse than yours.

Ditto Thing2! Have a really good think about whether this is acceptable to you in the long term and whether this is a pattern of behaviour or just a minor blip in the relationship.

 

[confusedaisy]

He hadnt planned on proposing, he's trying to put this back on you and wriggle himself out of it, or gain himself more time

I was thinking the exact same thing!!

 

[KittyGolightly]

Oh no! I'm so sorry you were disappointed. It really sounds as though he missed a perfect opportunity to propose.

If it makes you feel any better, I would not have reacted any "better" than you did.

 

[TwinkleStar]

HUGS, SPG!!!! After all of that build up, I would have been pretty bummed out, too - and confused! I think now is a great time to just have some time to yourself and figure out what you want and your goals in life and assess if he's the one you want to take along in your adventure. After you've got your thoughts sorted, you should definitely sit down and just talk to each other and see if you're on the same page.

I totally agree with all of these ladies that it sounds like he really led you on, and it's hard for me to believe he had no idea you would feel this way or have these expectations.

P.S. Also, how perfect would this have been with your profile picture? This just makes me sadder! I'm so sorry!

 

[sonnyjane]

he told me he was getting close to and was thinking of doing it in the near future… but now after seeing this “new dark side of me” he has a lot of rethinking to do…..

Here's my two cents...

I've been with my husband for almost five years, married for just more than two. I had a flip out (aided by alcohol) over an email I found from his ex-girlfriend about a year after we started dating. He apologized to me profusely and the truth is, he did NOTHING wrong! He showed me his phone and email records the next day and proved to me that even though she contacted him, he had written her back saying that he was with me and asked her to leave him alone. I felt like the biggest piece of crap ever because I jumped to conclusions and attacked him without all of the facts. You know what? Even though I flipped out, said hurtful things, and violated his trust by reading his email, he still forgave me. Not only did he forgive me, but he and I now joke about my "crazy episode". The bottom line is, if he really loves you, he will understand that sometimes we lose control of our emotions, especially when we have been drinking!

I think you were justified in your disappointment, and while not the most mature response, sometimes our raw emotions really do just take over. I think I agree with the other ladies that said that he probably didn't plan to propose soon and is holding this over your head now to make it seem like your fault rather than his own. I think it's quite manipulative.

I'm really sorry, and I will say from experience that you should not feel too guilty over this. Yes, you made a mistake, but in my opinion, so did he by leading you on relentlessly that day! To err is human, remember? When you take your wedding vows, it will be "for better or for worse", which means he should really love you unconditionally, even at your very, very worst! I hope you two can have a serious talk and resolve everything, no matter the final outcome!

 

[FuturePsyD]

He was asking for what he got. I'm not one to do show emotions anywhere in a public setting, but MY GOODNESS your situation is one of few examples I can think of that would have made me lose it. Just thinking about the build up and then the crushing realization that it was all some fantasy makes me sick to my stomach.

He completely led you on not only before the trip, but DURING the trip and is surprised by your reaction? Wow, talk about turning the tables on you to get the upper hand.

Are you comfortable sharing what he had to say to you that evening after you confronted him with WHY he led you on during the trip? I know he said he was thinking of proposing "soon" but I'm wondering what he was thinking by engaging you in all the marriage, future, etc talk?

That is dangerous territory to tread on if you don't have a ring nearby IMO!

I know it's going to take a lot of time, but I sure hope that you are starting to feel a little better.

 

[Autumnovember]

I don't like to condone LIW freakouts or bad behavior, but c'mon...what he did to you was just mean. He knew you were expecting a proposal at some point. I mean props to him for wanting to make your vacation special and all. But unless he's a complete idiot, he has to know what he was doing. Ideally he would have said before the vacation something like "I love you and want to marry you, but I'm not quite ready to propose. I just wanted to let you know so you can relax and enjoy the vacation."

But for him to say there's some "dark" side of you and he has to rethink everything? That's a bit dramatic. True, you did kind of act like a spoiled brat, but I think most of us would have done the same.

Ditto. Honestly I think you need to rethink marrying him since his "dark side" seems much worse than yours.

Perfectly said. That's just BS that he would get you worked up like that. It's like setting up a mouse trap with cheese in it. You got excited for a reason (because of him stringing you along making it seem like a proposal was coming) and then decided that *HE* needs to reevaluate? Right, ok.

 

[ooo~Shiney!]

I don't like to condone LIW freakouts or bad behavior, but c'mon...what he did to you was just mean. He knew you were expecting a proposal at some point. I mean props to him for wanting to make your vacation special and all. But unless he's a complete idiot, he has to know what he was doing. Ideally he would have said before the vacation something like "I love you and want to marry you, but I'm not quite ready to propose. I just wanted to let you know so you can relax and enjoy the vacation."

But for him to say there's some "dark" side of you and he has to rethink everything? That's a bit dramatic. True, you did kind of act like a spoiled brat, but I think most of us would have done the same.

Ditto. Honestly I think you need to rethink marrying him since his "dark side" seems much worse than yours.

Perfectly said. That's just BS that he would get you worked up like that. It's like setting up a mouse trap with cheese in it. You got excited for a reason (because of him stringing you along making it seem like a proposal was coming) and then decided that *HE* needs to reevaluate? Right, ok.

Oh, AGREE !!!!
FWIW I don't think you acted like a spoiled brat, though....

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

I probably would have been irate too. I remember waiting to be engaged, and getting furious when I felt led on. My husband wasn't leading me on, he just wasn't in a hurry to take that step. Quite honestly, it wasn't my getting mad that helped him step up, it was when I walked away. It gave him time to think about what he truly wanted. And lucky for me, what he truly wanted was ME! Sometimes men don't feel the need to get married quickly when they already have all of you.
It sounds like you and him actually have ALOT of fun together. I hope he wises up before you burn out! Good luck!

 

[should i be here]

Guys are SO DUMB sometimes. That's all I have to say. They are OBLIVIOUS to certain things. So don't feel too bad. Hopefully this freakout knocked some sense into him - he probably had no idea!

 

[jaysonsmom]

You're not at fault at all, any LIW would have reacted the exact same way. In fact, this story sounds like my NYC trip witn my EX boyfriend 12 years ago! Except swap out the Eiffel Tower, and replace with romantic day at Central Park. His BFF told me after the fact that because I went crazy and ruined the rest of our vacation...he never proposed (but had planned on it). Water under the bridge though. If that trip hadn't happened, I would not have dumped the ex, and married my wonderful dh.

 

[iugurl]

I don't like to condone LIW freakouts or bad behavior, but c'mon...what he did to you was just mean. He knew you were expecting a proposal at some point. I mean props to him for wanting to make your vacation special and all. But unless he's a complete idiot, he has to know what he was doing. Ideally he would have said before the vacation something like "I love you and want to marry you, but I'm not quite ready to propose. I just wanted to let you know so you can relax and enjoy the vacation."

But for him to say there's some "dark" side of you and he has to rethink everything? That's a bit dramatic. True, you did kind of act like a spoiled brat, but I think most of us would have done the same.

Ditto. Honestly I think you need to rethink marrying him since his "dark side" seems much worse than yours.

I agree. Someone said that he didn't know what he was doing because guys are clueless. I completely disagree. He would have to have something wrong with him to not know what he was doing! He was playing games with you!

I have no idea about your relationship, so I am probably way out of line here. For some reason, I feel like he was almost planning this. Perhaps he wanted to delay the proposal and teased you with it, knowing you might freak out. Then he would have an excuse for not proposing... I might be 100% wrong about this. I just get a bad feeling about this

Regardless, I am sorry! I probably would have flipped out also. I have issues with anger, so I can understand saying things that you don't mean. It is something that I am really working on. You do owe him an apology, but I think he owes you one also. I can't imagine he didn't know that he was leading you on.

 

[Lauren8211]

This post made my blood boil! OF COURSE you thought that he was going to propose! I can't help but think he did it on purpose to mess with your head and give himself a reason to push back the engagement! He's punishing you for loving him enough to want a proposal. That is controlling and manipulative, and I think you should really reconsider this relationship. At the very least, a serious conversation needs to take place.

Its amazing to me how mean people can be to the people they claim to love. Your obvious eruption of emotions (assuming this is a rare occasion for you) only signifies how hurt your feelings really were, and all he cared about was himself. That speaks volumes.

 

[swingirl]

The days leading up to New Years Eve were wonderful… site seeing in Paris, London for Christmas. We had so much wine, cheese and French bread… every moment was perfect and he constantly said how lucky he was to have found me, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and how in love he was with me. The night before New Years Eve my bf brought up my step dad and said that he would love for him to be the man who walks me down the aisle. There were many hints to get me thinking about a possible proposal was headed my way…. The week leading up to New Years Eve was beyond suspenseful because he kept talking about marriage, children and our life together abroad and once we arrived back in Canada… where we were going to live, our car, getting a dog… our families. My birthday is in December and he presented me with a tiffany’s box… I almost died, but then opened it up to find a beautiful necklace… maybe this was his decoy from me thinking about a proposal if he had just bought an expensive necklace. So he planned a whole New Years Day in Paris for us, through Christmas markets, art galleries and walking along the water… He even took me to the place earlier in the day to find a good view over the water to ensure we could see the Eiffel tower perfectly at night.

Whoa! I have a hard time thinking all this was done to tease or hurt someone on purpose. Just because it didn't culminate in a proposal doesn't mean this man was insincere or mean. If there was any question as to the timing, why not just ask????

I think his reservations are spot on.

 

[suchende]

I showed this post to my guy friend who agreed with the "he was messing with your head on purpose" contingent. I don't know if I agree, but there's one guy's perspective.

 

[swingirl]

If I thought my future husband was mean and messing with my head I would have packed my bags and left as soon as my feet hit ground. Since the NYE let-down happened over 6 weeks ago I wonder where the relationship is today. Sweetpepsgirl, have you left? Waiting longer doesn't seem to be a good solution.

 

[confusedaisy]

I showed this post to my guy friend who agreed with the "he was messing with your head on purpose" contingent. I don't know if I agree, but there's one guy's perspective.

My bf said the same thing. I read him the post (he loved PS stories) and even before I told him my opinion he said he probably wasn't ready to propose anytime soon but definitely wanted to give you that fantasy since it's something he thought you wanted. I would have given him the benefit of the doubt if he hadn't been condescending. Let us know where things stand now- have you guys had a rational conversation since then?

 

[blacksand]

Maybe I'm crazy, since I don't seem to agree with many people here, but it seems to me you just were not on the same page. Of course, it is totally understandable that you got upset, but it sounds like the two of you just weren't communicating. He didn't understand your getting upset because he didn't have the expectations that you did that evening. Have you talked about a timeline? Is he on the same page re. getting engaged soon? He definitely sounds likes he's interested in marriage, but that doesn't necessarily mean any time in the near future. Of course, it's possible I'm just missing some information here, but it really sounds like a huge misunderstanding to me. I fully understand why you got so upset, but I can understand him getting upset, too. He pulled out all the stops to create a romantic evening, you seemed to be enjoying it all along, and then [from his perspective] you suddenly flip out and tell him none of it was good enough. Please don't misunderstand me, I would have been upset too, in your shoes! I know how disappointing it must have been. I'm just trying to see his side as well. I really think you just were not on the same page with your expectations.

If any part of you genuinely suspects that he did this on purpose, to mess with your head, get out of that relationship immediately. It doesn't seem that way from where I'm sitting, but I don't have all the facts. If he's really enough of a jerk to deliberately manipulate you like that, he's not worth another second of your time. But it sounds to me like you just really need to communicate better.

The only thing I cannot see from his perspective here is the drinking of someone else's discarded Bailey's. Now that's just gross!

 

[should i be here]

If any part of you genuinely suspects that he did this on purpose, to mess with your head, get out of that relationship immediately. It doesn't seem that way from where I'm sitting, but I don't have all the facts. If he's really enough of a jerk to deliberately manipulate you like that, he's not worth another second of your time. But it sounds to me like you just really need to communicate better.

The only thing I cannot see from his perspective here is the drinking of someone else's discarded Bailey's. Now that's just gross!

Exactly - I couldn't (and didn't) think anyone would be as cruel as to do it on purpose, so I thought he was just being dense! But if it WAS on purpose.... that's kinda horrible.

Ditto on someone else's discarded drinks.

 

[Pandora II]

I remember your previous posts about this trip and boy was he hinting at a proposal then - and I'm not sure that hinting is the right word, he was all but telling you that was what he was going to do.

Then, he didn't get you anything for your birthday except big puppy eyes and tears and 'I love you'...

IMHO he is either extremely immature or messing with your mind or both. His comments to you about 'dark side' are just ludicrous. Any girl would have been disappointed that evening. A man who was mature enough to be a husband and really love the woman he had beside him would a) not play mind games, b) not berated the girl he supposedly loves for thinking that he might propose when he's talked of nothing else for weeks c) given her a big hug, apologised profusely and made it up to her - and thought himself a fool - not accused her of having a dark side.

Personally I would be telling him to stop talking and start walking the walk or I would be walking away.

You deserve better than this. People who mess with your mind are not nice to be around.

 

[Ganesha]

I remember your previous posts about this trip and boy was he hinting at a proposal then - and I'm not sure that hinting is the right word, he was all but telling you that was what he was going to do.

Then, he didn't get you anything for your birthday except big puppy eyes and tears and 'I love you'...

IMHO he is either extremely immature or messing with your mind or both. His comments to you about 'dark side' are just ludicrous. Any girl would have been disappointed that evening. A man who was mature enough to be a husband and really love the woman he had beside him would a) not play mind games, b) not berated the girl he supposedly loves for thinking that he might propose when he's talked of nothing else for weeks c) given her a big hug, apologised profusely and made it up to her - and thought himself a fool - not accused her of having a dark side.

Personally I would be telling him to stop talking and start walking the walk or I would be walking away.

You deserve better than this. People who mess with your mind are not nice to be around.

Well said, Pandora!

sweetpepsigirl, I can only imagine how disappointed you must feel.... (((hugs)))