LIW freakout=bad=longer wait :(

[Circe]

I don't think you did anything wrong. I think your response is the natural reaction to this societal restriction on women evincing any interest in something that's, you know, of consuming interest to them: their future. There's this notion that women have to be cool, calm, collected, above it all: pursued, placid, and patient. Bollocks! If you've talked about your future and he's given you every intimation that he's on the verge of finalizing it and ... doesn't, that's not you revealing a "dark side," (not unless you succumbed to the temptation to thwack him with his purloined bottle of Bailey's, to which, btw, may I say "ew" on two counts: first for stealing somebody else's booze, and second for drinking Bailey's straight!). You're revealing frustration with him for dragging his heels and leading you on ... and by doing so, you're stepping outside of the weirdly constrictive gender role which dictates that you wait, wait, wait!

I say it's a good thing you were honest with him, even if you might have been overly emotional because of drunkeness or anticipation. He doesn't get to "punish" you for your feelings, he doesn't get to single-handedly dictate the terms of your relationship, and, most importantly, he doesn't get to manipulate you. Or he shouldn't, anyway. I know it's been a long time since you've checked in, but I hope you're reading along, and I hope you take the opportunity to talk to him about where you're going and how you both feel about it, without any of this constructed "mystery" nonsense. It just leads to hurt feelings and miscommunication ....

 

[inflorescence]

I don't think you did anything wrong. I think your response is the natural reaction to this societal restriction on women evincing any interest in something that's, you know, of consuming interest to them: their future. There's this notion that women have to be cool, calm, collected, above it all: pursued, placid, and patient. Bollocks! If you've talked about your future and he's given you every intimation that he's on the verge of finalizing it and ... doesn't, that's not you revealing a "dark side," (not unless you succumbed to the temptation to thwack him with his purloined bottle of Bailey's, to which, btw, may I say "ew" on two counts: first for stealing somebody else's booze, and second for drinking Bailey's straight!). You're revealing frustration with him for dragging his heels and leading you on ... and by doing so, you're stepping outside of the weirdly constrictive gender role which dictates that you wait, wait, wait!

I say it's a good thing you were honest with him, even if you might have been overly emotional because of drunkeness or anticipation. He doesn't get to "punish" you for your feelings, he doesn't get to single-handedly dictate the terms of your relationship, and, most importantly, he doesn't get to manipulate you. Or he shouldn't, anyway. I know it's been a long time since you've checked in, but I hope you're reading along, and I hope you take the opportunity to talk to him about where you're going and how you both feel about it, without any of this constructed "mystery" nonsense. It just leads to hurt feelings and miscommunication ....

I completely agree.

First of all... thank you very much for your advice and support everyone. I needed it more then you could imagine.

I have gone for a few runs along the water the last few days to clear my head. I have really reflected on this entire situation.

I agree that picking up the Baileys was very gross... I guess I knocked it out of his hand cause I was disgusted, but also mad that he would want to get drunker on a perfect night.. where I thought he would propose.

Alot of you were asking if we had discussed marriage previously. Yes, we had... in alot of detail... so we both knew we wanted to... but we never talked about an exact timeline, I made it clear that I wanted to be engaged after a few years of dating. Also I expressed how an epic proposal is more meaningful to me then the wedding.

Two nights ago as we were getting ready for bed I said I had alot on my mind and we needed to talk about New Years and our life together. I brought up how I didn't like how we were walking on eggshells now about our future and how I didn't appreciate the mixed signals he had been giving me about marrying me. I had a list of all the examples of him making it seem like he was going to... he didn't really have an argument. I expressed how I felt powerless because I want to marry him and how I felt he lead me on leading up to New Years Eve. I don't like not having control over a situation, or being completely clueless about a situation. I expressed how he missed the opportunity for what I thought was a perfect proposal.... He thought it was too cliché... I apologized for not waiting to discuss my disappointment in a more private location. I never get upset and I think that’s why he said that comment about having a "dark side" . After seeing my perception of the situation he understands why I reacted that way, what lady wouldn’t react like that?!?!?! You take a girl to Paris for New Years, have a perfect day, after talking about marriage nonstop... ya... I would have to be dumb to not think it was going to happen. We discussed marriage, and that he does want to marry me... he recognized and apologized for leading me on, but ensured me he was being serious about wanting to. He wished he expressed that he was not going to New Years... but then explained he actually had thought about doing in a few days before when we were in Belgium without a ring.... So I wasn't off in thinking he was going to. The idea of this six month trip is to know each other better and have life long experiences we can reflect on for years to come. (his words) I asked for a time line for us, because I should be involved in this process instead of feeling that he was in complete control, when it is suppose to be OUR life not just HIS life. I wanted clarification so I wasn't constantly thinking he is going to when there was no chance. So....We are going to finish our travel abroad (another 6 months) and when we return to Canada the plan is to get a place together, a dog and before Feb 2012 he plans to propose. So anywhere between this September and next February...

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

Sounds like you had a very productive talk with him. Your getting upset on New Year's Eve, probably made him realize how important this is to you. I'm glad things worked out the way you wanted.

 

[mg0811]

I can completely relate and so feel for you! I went through something very similar a couple months ago: my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, living together for 2, we have been talking about marriage for about a year and both of my best friends got engaged within the last 6 months to men they have been with for half the time my bf and I have been together. This is a very long story short, leaving out all of the commentary made by his family, my family, friends, etc. for 2+ years and the 20+ weddings we've been to together - we've literally been together long enough to watch a couple meet, start dating, get married and have children (or get divorced, and we've been to one of those weddings, too). Anyway, we went on a cruise for our 4 year anniversary a couple months ago, and we had been talking about rings and engagement almost daily leading up to it, so I really thought it was coming. On the first day of the cruise, I was waiting for it to happen, and he took me to get a couples massage and then we were having champagne, and I thought for sure it was coming. However, after a while, I had that same dawning moment when I realized it wasn't coming, and I lost it. We had the biggest fight we've had in 4 years. I told him I've been telling him for 2 years I wanted to marry him and it feels like crap to not get the proposal back from him to validate that, especially when everyone around me is getting engaged and I'm just watching from the wings. I also explained that I feel so out of control because he holds all the cards right now. While the fight was necessary to get on the same page, I was kind of a brat because he had just done a lot that day for me. Guys are just so oblivious, though - they take these perfect opportunities and don't think that we're going to be disappointed when they don't propose.

Anyway, afterward, we also walked on eggshells for a bit. What I can say from my experience is that while the fight and the aftermath were horrible (I was so down for a couple weeks, really feeling bad about the whole situation), it put us in such a better place after we talked about it. I realized that, similar to you and your bf, while we both wanted to marry each other, we weren't on the exact same page - i thought we were about to get engaged any day while he was in the very early stages of just thinking about proposing. Since we talked it out, he has been shopping on Blue Nile and is asking me detailed questions about rings I like on a regular basis. So, now I feel like things are moving in the right direction. The moral of the story is that because of that fight, you're in a better place now than you were before now that you've communicated...even if it took a meltdown to get you there.

Good luck with everything!

 

[inflorescence]

I can completely relate and so feel for you! I went through something very similar a couple months ago: my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, living together for 2, we have been talking about marriage for about a year and both of my best friends got engaged within the last 6 months to men they have been with for half the time my bf and I have been together. This is a very long story short, leaving out all of the commentary made by his family, my family, friends, etc. for 2+ years and the 20+ weddings we've been to together - we've literally been together long enough to watch a couple meet, start dating, get married and have children (or get divorced, and we've been to one of those weddings, too). Anyway, we went on a cruise for our 4 year anniversary a couple months ago, and we had been talking about rings and engagement almost daily leading up to it, so I really thought it was coming. On the first day of the cruise, I was waiting for it to happen, and he took me to get a couples massage and then we were having champagne, and I thought for sure it was coming. However, after a while, I had that same dawning moment when I realized it wasn't coming, and I lost it. We had the biggest fight we've had in 4 years. I told him I've been telling him for 2 years I wanted to marry him and it feels like crap to not get the proposal back from him to validate that, especially when everyone around me is getting engaged and I'm just watching from the wings. I also explained that I feel so out of control because he holds all the cards right now. While the fight was necessary to get on the same page, I was kind of a brat because he had just done a lot that day for me. Guys are just so oblivious, though - they take these perfect opportunities and don't think that we're going to be disappointed when they don't propose.

Anyway, afterward, we also walked on eggshells for a bit. What I can say from my experience is that while the fight and the aftermath were horrible (I was so down for a couple weeks, really feeling bad about the whole situation), it put us in such a better place after we talked about it. I realized that, similar to you and your bf, while we both wanted to marry each other, we weren't on the exact same page - i thought we were about to get engaged any day while he was in the very early stages of just thinking about proposing. Since we talked it out, he has been shopping on Blue Nile and is asking me detailed questions about rings I like on a regular basis. So, now I feel like things are moving in the right direction. The moral of the story is that because of that fight, you're in a better place now than you were before now that you've communicated...even if it took a meltdown to get you there.

Good luck with everything!

Thank you for sharing your story. I appricate it. The bf and I went to a few weddings together too, and I have seen ALOT of my gf's get engaged over the last year, who have not been with their SO as long too... it's frustrating and I also felt like he held the cards/holds the cards. You are very right that I am now in a better place for communicating. Best of luck with your SO.