Wedding Less than warm welcome

[nclrgirl]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. I really also appreciate the wake-up-call posts! I had a long talk with FI tonight and was able to put my thoughts and feelings into words alot more effectively (translation: no breaking down crying in the middle) and he was much more receptive. I guess I''ll have to wait to see if his actions reflect his words...

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/15/2008 8:11:48 PM
Author: SarahLovesJS
Omg, you know what happens to me? Be glad your Mom didn't name you Sarah because it turns into 'Surah.' Like syrup.

Lol. I am glad you understand what I was saying, I was not defending them making fun of you. It's totally wrong and mean.

Sorry nclgirl I totally got you confused with doodle and I don't know why. I had a looooong day.

I am so glad you talked to your FI. Hopefully I didn't offend you, either.

I hope for the best for you.

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 4/15/2008 4:28:52 PM
Author: doodle

Date: 4/15/2008 12:38:45 AM
Author: SarahLovesJS
Hmph. All of these people are rude, no offense. I am from the south, and where I am from if we want to insult someone we do it indirectly, never directly. You always insult with a smile. So wow, what nerve!

i''m from georgia and am used to dealing with the ''high society'' southerners, so i think my hillbilly butt was possibly the only person who fully understood that statement, haha. it''s already rude to insult someone, but in old school ''blueblood'' parts of the south, to do so directly takes the insult to a whole new plane because your insult is twofold: 1) whatever you said in the insult, and 2) actually saying it directly is just plain old condescension, kind of like saying you''re so much better than them that you don''t even have to worry about any kind of social backlash...of course, all of this is a moot point if you precede an insult with ''bless his/her heart'', in which case, a southerner believes it''s fully acceptable to say anything. all in all, our culture is silly, but if you like fried food, it''s the place to be.

as for your situation, nclrgirl, i''m with those who advised against moving until your FI can man up and tell his entourage where to stuff it. if there''s one thing his southern heritage should''ve instilled in him, it''s how NOT to be a mama''s boy! tell him he can''t ride two horses with one @$$ and to pick a side already!

LOL Doodle, you are cracking me up today!

My mom says "God bless her/him" all the time! ie: "She''s been divorced 4 times and can''t seem to find the right man, God bless her."

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/15/2008 9:40:24 PM
Author: SarahLovesJS

Date: 4/15/2008 8:11:48 PM

Author: SarahLovesJS

Omg, you know what happens to me? Be glad your Mom didn''t name you Sarah because it turns into ''Surah.'' Like syrup.

Lol. I am glad you understand what I was saying, I was not defending them making fun of you. It''s totally wrong and mean.

Sorry nclgirl I totally got you confused with doodle and I don''t know why. I had a looooong day.

I am so glad you talked to your FI. Hopefully I didn''t offend you, either.

I hope for the best for you.

Ok since my post is not working. I now want to apologize for spelling your name wrong.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 4/15/2008 9:31:20 PM
Author: nclrgirl
Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. I really also appreciate the wake-up-call posts! I had a long talk with FI tonight and was able to put my thoughts and feelings into words alot more effectively (translation: no breaking down crying in the middle) and he was much more receptive. I guess I''ll have to wait to see if his actions reflect his words...

nclr,

I''m glad you had a productive chat with your FI. I sincerely hope that he is behind you 110% going forward, and that you will expect nothing less of him. Blaming you for other people''s rudeness is just beyond disgusting, IMO (sorry if it is harsh), and should not be tolerated.

I''m not sure when you''re supposed to be moving or what steps you have taken as far as moving forward with your plans, but I strongly caution you that going through with the move without a very noticeable change in these people''s and (most importantly) FI''s behavior is a huge mistake. If I were you I would take the move off the table until this is all resolved, and push for FI to move closer to your family (I am assuming your friends and family treat FI kindly). If, over time you see that FI''s friends and family treat you with the level of kindness and respect that you deserve (which is way up there, as you''re the WIFE) then moving closer to his family can become an option (although, after the way you''ve been treated, it wouldn''t be an option for me, personally).

Please check in and let us know how you''re doing. I wish you the best of luck and sending PS fairy dust your way!

 

[nclrgirl]

Thank you ladies all so much! Not to worry, I was not offended by anyone''s words. I posted because I wanted to hear opinions other than what was flying through my head, and a lot of the things you ladies said are what I was thinking. The difficult thing is that I have a new job lined up (already accepted and waiting for a start date and already let my current manager know that I will be leaving, out of curtisy...the spelling of that is wrong... to her).

I agree with you all though, that FI needs to stand up for me. I am capable of sticking up for myself, and have done so, but since I am no more than his FI to them, this has done me little good, if not hurt me more.

I''ve tried to have this conversation with him before, but always ended up blubbering in tears. I hope that since I was able to communicate more effectively, this time will help more (he''s gotten a little better...but he''s not there yet). I told him that we should go to couples counselling and that we must resolve this before the wedding (I know this may sound weird for people who aren''t even married yet to go to couples counselling, but I feel like there is so much positive in our relationship that it would be a shame to allow, what essetially ...again with the mis-spelling... is a personality difference resulting in a difference in expectations, to drown out all of the good).

Any honest opinions on this logic? (ALL opinions are more than welcome!) Again, thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. It''s nice to hear a non-biased opinion on all of this.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/15/2008 11:49:02 PM
Author: nclrgirl
Thank you ladies all so much! Not to worry, I was not offended by anyone''s words. I posted because I wanted to hear opinions other than what was flying through my head, and a lot of the things you ladies said are what I was thinking. The difficult thing is that I have a new job lined up (already accepted and waiting for a start date and already let my current manager know that I will be leaving, out of curtisy...the spelling of that is wrong... to her).


I agree with you all though, that FI needs to stand up for me. I am capable of sticking up for myself, and have done so, but since I am no more than his FI to them, this has done me little good, if not hurt me more.

I''ve tried to have this conversation with him before, but always ended up blubbering in tears. I hope that since I was able to communicate more effectively, this time will help more (he''s gotten a little better...but he''s not there yet). I told him that we should go to couples counselling and that we must resolve this before the wedding (I know this may sound weird for people who aren''t even married yet to go to couples counselling, but I feel like there is so much positive in our relationship that it would be a shame to allow, what essetially ...again with the mis-spelling... is a personality difference resulting in a difference in expectations, to drown out all of the good).


Any honest opinions on this logic? (ALL opinions are more than welcome!) Again, thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. It''s nice to hear a non-biased opinion on all of this.

I agree 100% this needs to be resolved before the wedding. You want to marry a man that is in it as much as you are. Believe me. Do NOT marry him if he is not. It doesn''t matter how much money you lose if you have to call the wedding off, if he is not going to stand beside you don''t do it. Money is replaceable, but you can''t get time in an unhappy marriage back.

 

[diamondfan]

There is this Korean comedian named Henry Cho, who was totally raised in the south and has a Southern accent. He is really funny and does a skit about the southern way of being able to say literally anything as long as you follow it with "bless your (his/her/their) heart. Like, Oh my gosh that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen, bless it's heart. I was rolling when I heard that.

But in real life, that is still a pretty passive aggressive way to insult someone, and I just wish if some of these people cannot be nice that they just keep their lip zipped.

I also think it lies with both of you. You should not have to kowtow or be a totally different person to be liked there. He chose you and loves you, and if they are his friends that should be enough to at least rate cordial treatment. Maybe in time they would warm more to you, but in the meantime, even if they view you as an outsider etc, simple good manners would call for nicer attitudes.

HE also needs to be a man and a gentleman and basically lay the law down for his so called friends. This is not acceptable any other way, and he should not twist it around and make it a lacking on your part that causes this. NO WAY. You deserve better even if you are the shyest and most insecure person on this earth. And as a man who loves you and is bringing you there, he needs to have a spine about this too.

 

[DiaLil]

NCLRGirl,

I don't post often but your recent post prompted me to do so.

I have been married for 31 years to a man who did not stand up for me to his parents, or friends for most of those years.

His excuse was I didn't hear what they said, it is just their way, I can't do anything about what they say, they are not going to change and the list of excuses goes on........

If I had it to do over again I would have set boundries from the start, and may not have married him at all.

Don't get me wrong DH has many fine qualities but standing up for his wife isn't one of them. He now doesn't speak to his family but it is over wills, and land not me.

Think long and hard about moving closer to FI.

Wishing you the best.

 

[Kyle921]

nclrgirl,

My situation was no where near as bad as yours, however I went through a few times where I had to defend my then girlfriend, now fiancee, from nonsense from people. All I know is she is my choice and she is the one who I chose to be my partner forever. If someone is insulting her then they are directly insulting me. I do not care who the culprit is whether it be family, friends, or random people. I believe you need to have each other''s back and support each other through thick and thin. I hope your fi comes to realize this.

I think the couseling is a good idea. I think all issues need to be on the table and discussed before you decide to get married. There will always be issues, but if you can openly speak about them and try to work through them it makes things a whole lot easier.

Thats my 2 cents. I wish you the best of luck. Be strong.

 

[diamondfan]

First, many couples get premarital counseling to smooth out kinks. Not to worry, it is quite routine and often required in some churches.

Second, I am sure you can hold your own, that is not the point. He is bringing you to his turf, and you are giving up things while also gaining...but should not have to be mistreated. His standing up for you is separate from you handling things on your end.

Just hold your head high, and if and when they bring up the old girlfriends or whatnot, you could say, Well, I cannot comment about the past but he sought something other (implied: better) than what was here and found me!

I can tend to be a bit snarky, but I think that might close their yaps for a bit.