Less than warm welcome

[nclrgirl]

Hi all. I wanted to ask for advice from all of you ladies out there. Over the past couple of years, I''ve been getting a chilly welcome from my FI''s friends and family. I think that it is a cultural thing. He was raised in a wealthy southern area where people are big on "keeping up appearances", and I was raised in an community where speaking your mind and being true to yourself is encouraged.

It started with his female friends from college, a couple of whom I know (from FI telling me) wanted to date him. We would go on group trips and a couple of the girls would gang up on me and verbally attack me, telling me how much better old girlfriends were for him and generally just making me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. Then, one of his guy friends started with the "he doesn''t really love you", which I ignored for a while then finally asked FI to stand up for me, which he did in his own non-confrontational way, until it escalated (over the course of a year or two) to just a plain old "F-you" from his so-called friend (who FI no longer chooses to spend time with).

Then, his brother got engaged a few months after us, and when we announced our wedding date (after reserving the church and putting down payments on the venue), his brother''s FI made a big fuss, because our date is 2 months before when she was thinking about setting their date. When I sent her a kind e-mail apologizing for the hurt feelings and letting her know that this was not our intention and letting her know that, as we will be family, I wanted to talk to her and get the bad feelings out in the open, she responded in a very rude way, insulting me and my upbringing. She also dragged the boys'' mother into the drama. This has caused a LOT of tension at his family''s gatherings.

After all of this, and paired with the fact that I''m moving to another city, away from my family (and closer to his) and starting a new job to be with him, I''m really scared to move. I feel like a big baby about it, but why should I be excited to move away from my friends and family and closer to a group of people who have gone out of their way to make me feel like I''m not welcome? I''m even dreading the wedding. I hate the thought of having a group of people there who are not supportive on such an important day. And now I think I''m depressed (I had to take a vacation day from work today because I just couldn''t face getting out of bed. I just slept all day, instead of working on my graduate course work, which I do part time, and am very behind on at this point.) I just don''t know what to do, and I feel like when I try to talk with him about it, he stands up for the other people or belittles my concerns. I feel so guilty being so sad. I feel like I should be elated at this time of my life.

 

[diamondfan]

Well, no offense but it does sound pretty rotten.

A bunch of petty spiteful girls who are jealous of a hometown boy being carted off by an outsider is not anything new. I just wish people would get over their crap and grow the heck up. This is not high school.

Can you elope? I seriously would not want to contend with all of those nasty folks, and not that I would feel I am running, far from it, I would be keeping things on my terms to a degree. Let his bro and the fiancee have their big moment. Is she a local girl or what?

I feel for you, I really do. Shame on the brother''s fiancee for calling your upbringing into question. If you ask me, that is super tacky and something a well bred lady would not do.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Hmph. All of these people are rude, no offense. I am from the south, and where I am from if we want to insult someone we do it indirectly, never directly. You always insult with a smile. So wow, what nerve! I am sorry that the new family you are joining is being so harsh and FI's friends were jerks. My FI's friends recently turned from nice to jerks, so I can sympathize to a degree. Just try to get past the depression, don't let them take your life away! Do your work and be proud of yourself. Your wedding will be beautiful with or without these people. Please remember while your family is joining his, this is actually about you and your FI starting a new life together. So I am glad your FI will stand up for you.

ETA: But your FI needs to do it more!

Remind him that this about your life TOGETHER.

 

[miraclesrule]

Ditto to Diamond. Girrrrl, we are all equal children of the universe. This class crap has GOT TO STOP!!! Seriously, I know some DA educated people. A++ for those who can figure out what DA means.

I like to think that I am a tolerant person, but I have no tolerance for igornamous folk. And I don''t even care that ignoramous isn''t in the dictionary. Can you believe that D''oH is now in the dictionary? I can.

nclrgirl...I am looking at you through squinted MOB eyes as I say this. DO NOT LET THEM WIN!! They are just hoping you are that weak. Love ''em up I say....love ''em up. They hate it, but do it anyway.

 

[diamondfan]

Kill them with kindness, but know what you are dealing with. That is probably a good plan if you are going to live amongst them. But sheesh, no nice person I have ever known would insult someone so blatantly to their face about their boyfriend or how they were raised. Seems like when class was being handed out, they were in the restroom!

 

[cellososweet]

i''m really sorry that you are going through this. I''m going to be a little harsh on your FI. He has to draw the line with the comments. If you are to be his wife, he shouldn''t allow anyone to say anything rude to you. You could have three heads and the patience of a two year old who''s gotta pee, but ultimately you are his choice and his choice should have squat to do with his family.

I should know. My DH''s parents had racial issues with me and he has had emotional issues with them well before I came into the picture. I was the scapegoat for all of their personal family issues (mom is clingy, dad is psychotic. it''s all cellososweet''s fault! she''s to blame). We''ve run the gamut from racist remarks, to outlandish remarks, to threats to break our marriage up (still not quite sure how she would''ve swung that one. i kind of would have loved to see her give it her best shot, frankly). he drew the line in the sand over and over. They kept crossing. Things escalated until I told him that had the situation been reversed, I would end his suffering and my own by making a definitive line. He took that as a jump start and cut them off. Drastic? Yes. Necessary? For now, yes.

I have a feeling that if they say bad things about you, chances are they have made your FI feel "this-small" before (makes hand gesture). Tell him that you do not appreciate these comments and though he is used to doing things in a say, more passive way, now is not the time to be meek with it. You''re feelings are on the line. Standing up for one another even when it''s seen as socially unacceptable or rude is one of those things that marriages are based on. You have to be able to feel like you are part of one cohesive unit or you''re going to experience a lot more trouble than a nasty comment now and again.

I don''t mean to sound negative, but if you are depressed over this and it took him a year or two to get to the "F-you" level, perhaps F-you needs to be in your vocabulary. You said yourself that he belittles your concerns. If you marry this man without setting boundaries and becoming a "unit," then things are gonna hit the fan. Please think about your engagement and really sit down and talk to him about how this is making you feel. If he can''t appreciate that he is part of the problem, i''d take a break. just my $.02.

 

[miraclesrule]

Dayum Cellosweet...I could learn a lesson or two about assertiveness in romantic relationships.

Get on with your bad self...

nclrgirl...I would definately listen up to this feisty cellosweet chicka.

I always thought I needed to get the f-you out of my vocabulary, but now I say "No, no, no..."

 

[allycat0303]

nclrgirl,

I feel REALLY bad for you. I don''t know, there''s something about your story that really struck a cord with me, although I am not in the same situation. I do remember when my guy and I were really young, there was similarish situations, but we were only 18-19 years old, and it didn''t mean that much.

I really think that your fiancé needs to draw the line. I feel that he is partly to blame for this, because he isn''t commanding enough respect for you. I don''t feel that this is your war to fight, you certinly won''t endear yourself to anyone by getting riled up... that would make it harder in the future to live in this place! He needs to be polite and very firm. And clear that by insulting you/ insinuating that he could do better, or his other girlfriends were better is insulting to HIM. I do NOT have friends that are casually insulting to my guy. I am getting married to him, and my loyalties lie with the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with. He''s supposed to be YOUR partner the person you can rely on for anything.

I think you are making a really big sacrifice by giving up your home and your friends to go and be with him. He should ensure that the transition is as comfortable for you as possible! I agree with cellosweet. I would take a step back and let him know that this isn''t a situation that is going to work for you.

Good luck!

 

[nclrgirl]

Thank you all for your encouraging replies! I really needed that this morning. I have been feeling like this is somehow my fault for not being more adaptable and likable...but there are plenty of people here who like my company...

Picking my head up and heading off to do a great job at work today.

I''m not sure how to express all of this effectively to FI. It''s such a crappy feeling, and I admit, I am an emotional person. And do you all think it''s unfair of me to ask FI to be assertive about this, when he is by nature, a very non-confrontational person? By asking him to stick up for me, am I asking him to change who he is?

 

[Madam Bijoux]

nclgirl, I''m sorry you''re going through this. There is one level to try before it hits the F U level: it''s the KMA level. After you''ve told people to K your A a few times, they''ll start doing it.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 4/15/2008 12:30:10 AM
Author: diamondfan
Well, no offense but it does sound pretty rotten.

A bunch of petty spiteful girls who are jealous of a hometown boy being carted off by an outsider is not anything new. I just wish people would get over their crap and grow the heck up. This is not high school.

Can you elope? I seriously would not want to contend with all of those nasty folks, and not that I would feel I am running, far from it, I would be keeping things on my terms to a degree. Let his bro and the fiancee have their big moment. Is she a local girl or what?

I feel for you, I really do. Shame on the brother''s fiancee for calling your upbringing into question. If you ask me, that is super tacky and something a well bred lady would not do.

Well said!

Sorry you are having to go through this nclrgirl.

 

[nclrgirl]

FI seems to think that if I displayed more confidence then people would like me more and not say hurtful things. My question is, how do I regain the confidence that I''ve lost by being put down by these people, while constantly being put in the line of fire?

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 4/15/2008 12:38:45 AM
Author: SarahLovesJS
Hmph. All of these people are rude, no offense. I am from the south, and where I am from if we want to insult someone we do it indirectly, never directly. You always insult with a smile. So wow, what nerve!

Are you really defending someone insulting someone else indirectly, with a smile? That is worst IMO! I''d rather someone have the balls to say it to my face than behind my back.

But really NCLR, I totally ditto Diamondfan''s post. They obviously do not know how to conduct themselves like anything else but middleschoolers. Hugs to you!

 

[anchor31]

I''m really sorry you''re going through this... I was unfortunate enough to have my mother insulted by FI''s parents when we were first engaged (and they had never met her, still haven''t).

No matter what kind of upbringing they had, people who do this and just classless and rude jerks.

You definitely need to talk to your FI about this. You need to tell him what''s going on (you being insulted constantly, etc.) and he needs to learn to be more assertive and stand up for you. My FI isn''t a very confrontational person either, but he''s been doing a great job... I hope things get better for you.

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 4/15/2008 8:46:37 AM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 4/15/2008 12:38:45 AM
Author: SarahLovesJS
Hmph. All of these people are rude, no offense. I am from the south, and where I am from if we want to insult someone we do it indirectly, never directly. You always insult with a smile. So wow, what nerve!

Are you really defending someone insulting someone else indirectly, with a smile? That is worst IMO! I''d rather someone have the balls to say it to my face than behind my back.

But really NCLR, I totally ditto Diamondfan''s post. They obviously do not know how to conduct themselves like anything else but middleschoolers. Hugs to you!

Ha, I think (and I hope) that Sarah meant this....if you want to get a point across to someone, you can do it without being hurtful. Sugarcoat it and say it with a smile. "Insult" doesn''t seem like the right word.

 

[diamondfan]

You should not need to be confident so that people do not behave like poorly bred jerks. People should treat you well, unless you have been terrible to them. Confidence is nice and wonderful, but no one is superior to anyone else and someone who looks down their snout at someone because they think that person is of lesser means is really vile in my book. I cannot imagine calling someone's background into question, ESPECIALLY a friend's fiancee whom I barely know. If you rolled into town and were nasty and obnoxious etc, I could see why they might dislike you, but systematically insulting you and telling you all those things is just so not okay. Sounds like they are the ones with the confidence issues, not you.

I also think your guy needs to have some discrimination where his "friends" are concerned. You are important and you should be protected. He needs to step up, tell his pals that that type of treatment is now over, and if they do not comply I would make sure you guys find some new friends.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 4/15/2008 9:09:40 AM
Author: Courtneylub

Date: 4/15/2008 8:46:37 AM

Author: neatfreak

Date: 4/15/2008 12:38:45 AM

Author: SarahLovesJS

Hmph. All of these people are rude, no offense. I am from the south, and where I am from if we want to insult someone we do it indirectly, never directly. You always insult with a smile. So wow, what nerve!

Are you really defending someone insulting someone else indirectly, with a smile? That is worst IMO! I''d rather someone have the balls to say it to my face than behind my back.


But really NCLR, I totally ditto Diamondfan''s post. They obviously do not know how to conduct themselves like anything else but middleschoolers. Hugs to you!

Ha, I think (and I hope) that Sarah meant this....if you want to get a point across to someone, you can do it without being hurtful. Sugarcoat it and say it with a smile. ''Insult'' doesn''t seem like the right word.

That makes more sense. Thanks!

 

[bee*]

I''m sorry to hear that you''re being bullied by these rude people. Do not let them take the joy away from your wedding. Personally, I would like my FI to stand up for me-D is not very confrontational either but we had a similar problem years ago when he first started college and this girl just did not like me, so he just said that if she wasn''t going to be pleasant to me, he wasn''t going to be hanging around with her. Sending hugs. These people sound like jerks.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 4/15/2008 7:31:12 AM
Author: nclrgirl
Thank you all for your encouraging replies! I really needed that this morning. I have been feeling like this is somehow my fault for not being more adaptable and likable...but there are plenty of people here who like my company...

Picking my head up and heading off to do a great job at work today.

I''m not sure how to express all of this effectively to FI. It''s such a crappy feeling, and I admit, I am an emotional person. And do you all think it''s unfair of me to ask FI to be assertive about this, when he is by nature, a very non-confrontational person? By asking him to stick up for me, am I asking him to change who he is?

Honey, you''re dealing with a bunch of nasty, malicious, and JEALOUS people. Even if you weren''t likeable at all (which is definitely NOT the case, but for argument''s sake), FI liked you enough to want to marry you, your friends like you, and no matter how unlikeable a person is, there is no excuse to be abusive to them, which is what FI''s friends and family are doing to you.

Standing up for one''s wife is what a MAN does. FI needs to man up and defend his choice of partner, plain and simple -- it''s what men do. Honestly, I would put my foot down here. No way in h*ll should you move away from your family and friends just so that you can be abused by these nasty people, while your FI thinks *you''re* blowing things out of proportion and does nothing. They have been rude to you, and he should be rude to right back to them. You are his future wife and you come first, period.

What''s your mom like? Is she "expressive"?

Bring her over there, and see if they say anything.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 4/15/2008 8:38:21 AM
Author: nclrgirl
FI seems to think that if I displayed more confidence then people would like me more and not say hurtful things. My question is, how do I regain the confidence that I've lost by being put down by these people, while constantly being put in the line of fire?

Um NO!

HE needs to display more confidence in his choice. People are treating you this way because he is allowing it. I don't understand why he would still be in contact with people who are saying that his past girlfriends are better than you. He should have dropped them the first time they made such comments. For that matter, anyone who makes such comments about you does not belong in his life -- I don't care if the person in question is his mother.

Honestly, any woman who has half a brain knows that if you don't make nice with the wife, you get no access to the husband (This especially goes for MILs). If they give you hell, give FI hell. And DO NOT move over there while this is going on. Tell FI that you cannot stomach that, and you want him to move to be near your family instead. Show him you take s***t from nobody!

Oh, and he wants to invite them to the wedding? Not a chance in h*ll. You don't need people at your wedding who don't wish you well, period. If you have to elope to avoid them, then do it.

You don't sound very angry about this, and you should be! I'm PO'd for you!

ETA: So very, very sorry that you're going through this.

ETA again: Anyone who's offended by my language, my apologies -- this post really got to me.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/15/2008 9:09:40 AM
Author: Courtneylub

Date: 4/15/2008 8:46:37 AM

Author: neatfreak

Date: 4/15/2008 12:38:45 AM

Author: SarahLovesJS

Hmph. All of these people are rude, no offense. I am from the south, and where I am from if we want to insult someone we do it indirectly, never directly. You always insult with a smile. So wow, what nerve!

Are you really defending someone insulting someone else indirectly, with a smile? That is worst IMO! I''d rather someone have the balls to say it to my face than behind my back.


But really NCLR, I totally ditto Diamondfan''s post. They obviously do not know how to conduct themselves like anything else but middleschoolers. Hugs to you!

Ha, I think (and I hope) that Sarah meant this....if you want to get a point across to someone, you can do it without being hurtful. Sugarcoat it and say it with a smile. ''Insult'' doesn''t seem like the right word.

Thanks! That was what I was saying. I was also saying they''re breaking their own code by talking and saying things like that to her in such a direct and seriously rude way. I was not talking about talking behind people''s backs.

 

[surfgirl]

They're breaking their own code by being overtly rude? Sorry ladies but I think neatfreak got it right the first time - because what you're describing still sounds like being a first class b#tch to me. So if I get your points, then people in the south insult you in a nice way? So if they told her she wasn't good enough for her FI, but in a nice way, that would be okay? Where I come from, insults, whether veiled, straight out or given with a "smile" all amount to the same thing.

ncl, sorry you have to deal with this but YES, your FI needs to grow a sack and defend his woman to these idiots. I'm sorry to say this but if I were in this position and I'd put up with this crap for as long as you have and my BF/FI didn't overtly and strongly stand up for me? He wouldn't be my FI. What kind of husband will he be if he wont defend you to people who are outright being rude to your face? My husband would NEVER stand for that crap if someone said to me, what these people have been saying to you...and for years it seems! I have to ask, why are YOU putting up with his passivity? I'd be hella pissed if I were you. Hell, I dont even know you and I'm pissed just reading this. Personally, I think you need a serious sit down with your FI and lay it out there for him...Either stick up for you, or hit the road.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/15/2008 2:43:29 PM
Author: surfgirl
They're breaking their own code by being overtly rude? Sorry ladies but I think neatfreak got it right the first time - because what you're describing still sounds like being a first class b#tch to me. So if I get your points, then people in the south insult you in a nice way? So if they told her she wasn't good enough for her FI, but in a nice way, that would be okay? Where I come from, insults, whether veiled, straight out or given with a 'smile' all amount to the same thing.


ncl, sorry you have to deal with this but YES, your FI needs to grow a sack and defend his woman to these idiots. I'm sorry to say this but if I were in this position and I'd put up with this crap for as long as you have and my BF/FI didn't overtly and strongly stand up for me? He wouldn't be my FI. What kind of husband will he be if he wont defend you to people who are outright being rude to your face? My husband would NEVER stand for that crap if someone said to me, what these people have been saying to you...and for years it seems! I have to ask, why are YOU putting up with his passivity? I'd be hella pissed if I were you. Hell, I dont even know you and I'm pissed just reading this. Personally, I think you need a serious sit down with your FI and lay it out there for him...Either stick up for you, or hit the road.

No. It's still wrong, I was just saying I am surprised they did it in that way. I never said insulting is right. Obviously they are being complete jerks.

ETA: I can see where everyone is getting this from in what I said, but what I meant by what nerve was what nerve for insulting her. Not for not doing it indirectly.

 

[CJ2008]

Author:nclrgirl

I''m even dreading the wedding.

By asking him to stick up for me, am I asking him to change who he is?

1. How is this fair? How, in your mind, is it ever OK for you to be dreading your own wedding? Does your FI know that you''re dreading your wedding because of this? I think you are way too concerned for his feelings and not at all standing up for yours. I think the first person you need to stand up to is your FI. I''m sorry if this seems harsh, obviously you wouldn''t be marrying the guy if he wasn''t a good guy, but from the outside it''s easy to see that it''s not those outside people who are the problem. You need to ask your FI how is it that he could be OK with those people being there when he knows the things they have said to you. This would be worth a fight in my book. And I hate to tell you, if it''s going on now, it''s going to continue after the wedding too.

2. Yes, if he avoids confrontation at all costs, you''re definitely going to challenge him, and it''s going to scare the heck out of him. But it''s worth it. You are going to be his WIFE! Again, I more feel this is your issue than his. It starts with you and ends with you. What are you willing to take, and to compromise, just so you don''t take him out of his comfort zone? We''re not talking people here merely giving the impression they don''t like you - we''re talking people coming right out and telling you. I can''t think of any easier time than for him to practice standing up for himself, and for you.

Understand, from the outside it''s easy to see black and white when I am sure you see many shades of gray. But that''s why we ask for opinions so that we can see through the murkiness of fear and mixed emotions. The best thing we can do for you, even if it hurts, is to give you black and white.

 

[brooklyngirl]

ITA with claudinam. You said it better than I did

 

[doodle]

Date: 4/15/2008 12:38:45 AM
Author: SarahLovesJS
Hmph. All of these people are rude, no offense. I am from the south, and where I am from if we want to insult someone we do it indirectly, never directly. You always insult with a smile. So wow, what nerve!

i''m from georgia and am used to dealing with the "high society" southerners, so i think my hillbilly butt was possibly the only person who fully understood that statement, haha. it''s already rude to insult someone, but in old school "blueblood" parts of the south, to do so directly takes the insult to a whole new plane because your insult is twofold: 1) whatever you said in the insult, and 2) actually saying it directly is just plain old condescension, kind of like saying you''re so much better than them that you don''t even have to worry about any kind of social backlash...of course, all of this is a moot point if you precede an insult with "bless his/her heart", in which case, a southerner believes it''s fully acceptable to say anything. all in all, our culture is silly, but if you like fried food, it''s the place to be.

as for your situation, nclrgirl, i''m with those who advised against moving until your FI can man up and tell his entourage where to stuff it. if there''s one thing his southern heritage should''ve instilled in him, it''s how NOT to be a mama''s boy! tell him he can''t ride two horses with one @$$ and to pick a side already!

 

[cellososweet]

oh man i had to reply again only to say that what Doodle says is so spot on. I don''t know how many times I heard, "Bless your heart. You''re such a mess." Pronounced all slow. "bleeess yo haaaart (don''t roll the "R"). yo such a me-eess" when I was little. Ugh! So annoying!

 

[doodle]

Date: 4/15/2008 6:35:50 PM
Author: cellososweet
oh man i had to reply again only to say that what Doodle says is so spot on. I don''t know how many times I heard, ''Bless your heart. You''re such a mess.'' Pronounced all slow. ''bleeess yo haaaart (don''t roll the ''R''). yo such a me-eess'' when I was little. Ugh! So annoying!

hahaha! my mom was going to name me sarah until she mentioned it to her grandmother, who replied, "ooooh, saaaY-ruh is such a perdy name." bless her heart.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Omg, you know what happens to me? Be glad your Mom didn''t name you Sarah because it turns into "Surah." Like syrup.

Lol. I am glad you understand what I was saying, I was not defending them making fun of you. It''s totally wrong and mean.

 

[iheartscience]

In my opinion, your fiance is the real problem. Although the other people are rude beyond belief, he is the one who is letting his friends and future in laws insult his future wife. Not only is he letting them treat you this way, but he is actually BLAMING it on YOU and your "lack of confidence."

That is so beyond ridiculous and unacceptable I can''t even really begin to describe what I would say to him if he were my fiance. Seriously, if my fiance tried to pull crap like that, he wouldn''t be my fiance much longer. And that''s not an empty statement-I would never stay with a guy who let people insult me and then blamed it on me.

This may sound harsh, but your post really infuriated me on your behalf. Also, I should add that there is no way in hell I would ever move closer to his friends and family considering how they treat you. I really wouldn''t do it.