last name drama (long)

[Kiley]

I''m not a fan of creating a new name. I also don''t buy the "people have Md, Jd, professional attachments to their name argument." Going from Lady X to Lady X Y will not confuse anyone. If you continue to publish and be professionally affiliated with your maiden name as a middle name, surely the intelligent people in those fields will not be confused. They will, however, recognize that you are now married. Just my opinion, it''s not for me.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/12/2009 5:06:14 PM
Author: Kiley
I''m not a fan of creating a new name. I also don''t buy the ''people have Md, Jd, professional attachments to their name argument.'' Going from Lady X to Lady X Y will not confuse anyone. If you continue to publish and be professionally affiliated with your maiden name as a middle name, surely the intelligent people in those fields will not be confused. They will, however, recognize that you are now married. Just my opinion, it''s not for me.

When''s the last time you heard someone referred to as Dr. Middlename Lastname? I just don''t hear it. Two of my attorney colleagues went the maiden name as middle name route and found that people just call them by their first and last name anyway.

It''s a personal choice and it really doesn''t matter if other people "buy" the argument.

ETA - Just the other day I was going to contact a girl I went to law school with. She got married spring break before graduation and changed her name. For the life of me I can''t remember her new name except that it starts with a "B." She has a really common first name so...

 

[110203]

Although I understand your logic and rationale to blending the two names, I feel that by doing to actually voids both. It is not one or the other, but a made up name, in which loses all ties to both families. You broke off the stem on the family tree and started your own mini bush IMO.

More power to you in what you choose, do what you both decide, it is YOUR new life together.

 

[Octavia]

Date: 11/12/2009 5:06:14 PM
Author: Kiley
I'm not a fan of creating a new name. I also don't buy the 'people have Md, Jd, professional attachments to their name argument.' Going from Lady X to Lady X Y will not confuse anyone. If you continue to publish and be professionally affiliated with your maiden name as a middle name, surely the intelligent people in those fields will not be confused. They will, however, recognize that you are now married. Just my opinion, it's not for me.

Why is it necessary for people to recognize that a woman is married? Nobody gives a hoot whether they can tell that a man is married by his name. I feel that it's nobody's business whether I'm married unless DH or I choose to tell them, and I just don't choose to advertise the fact by what my last name is. I know it gives some people the warm fuzzies, but for me it just seems like a throwback to the days when a woman was nothing if she wasn't married.

Anyway, to the OP, I have to say that I like your idea and if it works for you and your DH, go for it! People will get used to it, just as they get used to anything else. Your in-laws might be resistant at first, especially because they probably always assumed that your FI's last name would be passed down in perpetuity. But you and your FI are the ones who have to live with the name every day. And depending on what state you live in, it will probably take awhile to get the court-approved name change anyway, so hopefully by that time, everyone will have a bit of time to get used to it.

 

[katamari]

Date: 11/12/2009 5:06:14 PM
Author: Kiley
I''m not a fan of creating a new name. I also don''t buy the ''people have Md, Jd, professional attachments to their name argument.'' Going from Lady X to Lady X Y will not confuse anyone. If you continue to publish and be professionally affiliated with your maiden name as a middle name, surely the intelligent people in those fields will not be confused. They will, however, recognize that you are now married. Just my opinion, it''s not for me.

It is of course your prerogative to "buy it" or not, but that does not change the reality of it. I can assure you that name changes can be very damaging to professional women. Most professionals work in an environment where their work is associated with their name and that the vast majority of people do not know the other personally. In my line of work, for instance, I refer to ideas solely linking them to the last name of their originators, not their middle name, which I would likely never know. For JDs and MDs particularly, practices are named after last names. Establishing your practice as Jones Smith and then changing it to Jones Baker Smith could very well alienate or confuse clients.


On topic, though, I love the idea of hybriding names. I did not change my name, but DH and I, should we ever have children, are hybriding their names. Individuals are creating a family through marriage. It does not change your lineage in any way and, IMO, it is better to recognize both heritages, albeit not completely, than it is to only recognize one. Also, millions of immigrants have changed last names over time to Americanize them or make them more phonetically familiar. I imagine that very few people actually have the same last name as their ancestors. I know I don''t. My last name has had about four different spellings as far back as my family has traced it and I do not believe that anything related to my family lineage is lost because of this.

 

[cushionladyESQ]

jen2M, I think that you are in a tough place because name changing can be a hard thing for a family to deal with if not in line with traditional expectations. But that is what they are--expectations. The traditional expectation would be that you change your name, no questions asked, but that your husband would not. The tradition of this is neither romantic nor about love, however we feel about the practice of name changing in modern times. However, the act that you and your FI are discussing does suggest, at least to me, a practice of love and respect.

I believe that people sometimes react strongly to changes in tradition because perhaps they feel that it threatens their own choices. Regardless of what his family is feeling, the tradition is that usually when people get married, names change (it just usually not the man, right?). You are not messing with a tradition of naming changing per se, because it is done all the time, but you are perhaps forcing his parents to address a change they had not expected.

I agree with some other posters here that it is important to recognize that family matters, and it is important to consider the feelings of our families. But you did this, and now that it is time to bite the bullet (so to speak) his parents are freaking out a little. The bottom line here, honestly, is that you and your FI have to live with your decision more than his parents. They may be upset about your ultimate decision, but you are building a new nuclear family when you marry your FI. Your decisions have to be about how you want to live, since you only get to live once. No?

I understand that this is difficult. I am not changing my name at all when FI and I get married, and I have talked with my family about it and have been met with some confusion. But I think you have thought about this for some time and have come to a very rational and appropriate decision for YOUR relationship. That´s the best that you can do and then just hope that others will accept your choices.

I wish you good luck in making a final decision and I hope that any tensions with his family dissipate.

 

[sparklyheart]

Jen, I have never heard of combining new last names but it sounds like a pretty cool idea. I can see why FILs would be upset about not keeping their name, but in the end it is your decision. If you give in because *they* changed their mind, they may start to think they can easily make you change your mind!

I just had to comment about hyphenating kids names.. Oh geez.. I''ve known several people like this and they have all HATED it as they got older. Everyone asks if they are married.. no one understands why it''s hyphenated.. and it''s a PITA to write it all out and explain it everytime you tell someone your name. Maybe some people do enjoy telling the story.. maybe I just don''t know those people. I DO think it''s cool to use a last name as a middle name.. at least that way they can tell their story when they want (not when they are 16 and standing in line at the grocery store being asked if they are married).

 

[crown1]

Date: 11/11/2009 6:39:50 PM
Author: KatyWI

Date: 11/11/2009 2:32:02 PM

Author: thing2of2

Date: 11/11/2009 7:35:38 AM


Author: makemepretty


I guess I''ve never understood why women don''t want their new husbands last name. Yes, it''s old fashioned but it''s traditional. I LOVED being called ''Mrs. so and so''. I love that my family all has the same last name. You don''t lose yourself by taking your husbands last name at all, you actually are MORE joined. We have a sign in our front yard that says ''The .....''s'' All the couples who each keep their own names and then have the decision of which name to give their children are really not putting themselves forth as a joined family IMHO. My opinion is to take your husbands last name, give your children the same last name and realize you''re part of a family tree.

I never understand why women don''t keep their own last name. The simple fact that it''s old fashioned and traditional is a terrible reason to do something. I LOVE being called Thing So-and-so, so now I''m still called Thing So-and-so. I love that even though we have different last names we''re still very much a family. You lose yourself by taking your husband''s last name and it really has nothing to do with how joined you are. However, we aren''t the type of people to have a sign in our front yard with our names, so I can''t comment on the multitude of benefits you''ll lose there by not taking your husband''s last name. I really respect all the couples who have their own names and then hyphenate their children''s names-it shows that the children are from 2 separate people who joined to create a family. My opinion is to keep your own name, give your children a hyphenated last name and realize that you''re still very much a part of a family tree, regardless of what your last name is.

You know I adore you, Thing2, but seriously?


If everyone starts hyphenating their kids names, then you''re going to have Jane McDonald-SchMcDonald marrying John McDougle-SchMcDougle and then by your system their poor kids are going to have to be Harriet and Harry McDonald-SchMcDonald-McDougle-SchMcDougle and IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE.


The system evolved the way it did for a reason... it''s not (only) sexist, it''s just SIMPLE.


I don''t give a darn what other people want to do, and I''m all for anyone having whatever the heck name they want, but saying that I lost myself because I added DH''s name to mine really steams me up. I kept my maiden name as a middle name, and I may not be displaying it socially, but I''m just as much me as I was before, and anyone who knows me is well aware of that fact.

you and i are on the same page. why make things difficult for oneself? time has made me realize it is not all about me. sometimes we need to be aware of others feelings, and that things have evolved as they have for a reason. kudos to the op for considering the feelings of the fils and rethinking her decision. it is her decision and i hope she finds the best one, whatever that may be.

 

[makemepretty]

I think a person can only give good advice on something they know about. As someone who has been described as the perfect wife by her husband pretty much daily after 18+ years of marriage, I stand by my post :0)

 

[Kiley]

Date: 11/12/2009 5:43:06 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 11/12/2009 5:06:14 PM
Author: Kiley
I''m not a fan of creating a new name. I also don''t buy the ''people have Md, Jd, professional attachments to their name argument.'' Going from Lady X to Lady X Y will not confuse anyone. If you continue to publish and be professionally affiliated with your maiden name as a middle name, surely the intelligent people in those fields will not be confused. They will, however, recognize that you are now married. Just my opinion, it''s not for me.

When''s the last time you heard someone referred to as Dr. Middlename Lastname? I just don''t hear it. Two of my attorney colleagues went the maiden name as middle name route and found that people just call them by their first and last name anyway.

It''s a personal choice and it really doesn''t matter if other people ''buy'' the argument.

ETA - Just the other day I was going to contact a girl I went to law school with. She got married spring break before graduation and changed her name. For the life of me I can''t remember her new name except that it starts with a ''B.'' She has a really common first name so...

The "middle name last name route" is the primary practice amongst my married attorney colleagues and married female doctor friends. On firm listings they have their name spelled out as Lady X Y, so there would be no confusion in finding them. I agree, however, that it is a personal choice and my remarks were solely opinion.

 

[makemepretty]

I wonder, they do studies on everything nowadays. I wonder if there''s a higher divorce rate with hyphen-ated names or new names, etc. I know of only one couple who the wife kept her name and gave the children HER last name, the dad/husband has his own last name. They are seriously the most selfish/unhappy couple I''ve ever met. Not saying they''re the norm at all, because there''s not that much normal in their life but it''s just an interesting thing. She wanted to keep her initials the same.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/13/2009 9:24:02 AM
Author: Kiley

Date: 11/12/2009 5:43:06 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 11/12/2009 5:06:14 PM
Author: Kiley
I''m not a fan of creating a new name. I also don''t buy the ''people have Md, Jd, professional attachments to their name argument.'' Going from Lady X to Lady X Y will not confuse anyone. If you continue to publish and be professionally affiliated with your maiden name as a middle name, surely the intelligent people in those fields will not be confused. They will, however, recognize that you are now married. Just my opinion, it''s not for me.

When''s the last time you heard someone referred to as Dr. Middlename Lastname? I just don''t hear it. Two of my attorney colleagues went the maiden name as middle name route and found that people just call them by their first and last name anyway.

It''s a personal choice and it really doesn''t matter if other people ''buy'' the argument.

ETA - Just the other day I was going to contact a girl I went to law school with. She got married spring break before graduation and changed her name. For the life of me I can''t remember her new name except that it starts with a ''B.'' She has a really common first name so...

The ''middle name last name route'' is the primary practice amongst my married attorney colleagues and married female doctor friends. On firm listings they have their name spelled out as Lady X Y, so there would be no confusion in finding them. I agree, however, that it is a personal choice and my remarks were solely opinion.

Sure when searching the firm listings, they''ll have no problem...Also no problem when looking at their email signature. The problem comes in with "word of mouth" networking. People don''t usually call people by three names when discussing them so still no way for someone to know that Jane Smith is Jane Doe. To me that matters, to others it clearly doesn''t. To each her own.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/13/2009 9:34:44 AM
Author: makemepretty
I wonder, they do studies on everything nowadays. I wonder if there's a higher divorce rate with hyphen-ated names or new names, etc. I know of only one couple who the wife kept her name and gave the children HER last name, the dad/husband has his own last name. They are seriously the most selfish/unhappy couple I've ever met. Not saying they're the norm at all, because there's not that much normal in their life but it's just an interesting thing. She wanted to keep her initials the same.

Oh yes, we're all doomed for divorce because we're not doing things exactly as you did.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 11/13/2009 10:16:05 AM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 11/13/2009 9:34:44 AM
Author: makemepretty
I wonder, they do studies on everything nowadays. I wonder if there''s a higher divorce rate with hyphen-ated names or new names, etc. I know of only one couple who the wife kept her name and gave the children HER last name, the dad/husband has his own last name. They are seriously the most selfish/unhappy couple I''ve ever met. Not saying they''re the norm at all, because there''s not that much normal in their life but it''s just an interesting thing. She wanted to keep her initials the same.

Oh yes, we''re all doomed for divorce because we''re not doing things exactly as you did.

Not me! I took my hubby''s name... guess its smooth sailing from here on out!

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/13/2009 10:23:44 AM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 11/13/2009 10:16:05 AM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 11/13/2009 9:34:44 AM
Author: makemepretty
I wonder, they do studies on everything nowadays. I wonder if there''s a higher divorce rate with hyphen-ated names or new names, etc. I know of only one couple who the wife kept her name and gave the children HER last name, the dad/husband has his own last name. They are seriously the most selfish/unhappy couple I''ve ever met. Not saying they''re the norm at all, because there''s not that much normal in their life but it''s just an interesting thing. She wanted to keep her initials the same.

Oh yes, we''re all doomed for divorce because we''re not doing things exactly as you did.

Not me! I took my hubby''s name... guess its smooth sailing from here on out!

And you made the decision without the benefit of knowing the whole success of your marriage came down to it...You are one SMART lady!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

People shape their identities differently, nothing right or wrong about it. I happen to feel a strong connection to my last name, others may not, and that''s fine. Others may attach a sense of self to the way they dress, the jobs they have, their physical appearance etc. Personally, I could have a different stranger dress me every morning and not really care, because I invest very little of my identity in my clothing/style. But there are certainly people out there that would be highly uncomfortable with that because they see how they dress as part of who they are. Alternatively, I''ve known wives who have converted to their husband''s religion for the sake of unity, and I know other wives who refused to convert because they identify strongly with the faith they personally grew up with.

Because my name and my cultural traditions mean a lot to me, I kept my last name. Others have different traditions and priorities, so they change them. I can see it both ways, as long as the couple is happy, I don''t think it really matters.

Although personally, I''d say it''s technically easier to keep your last name, no pesky paperwork!

 

[jstarfireb]

Ditto every last word MTG and kata have said. Sometimes I wonder if we''re long-lost triplets.

It was tough for me because it was my husband, not my parents, who opposed what I wanted to do with my name. Hyphenating was a compromise for me, but I still introduce myself by my maiden name, and it''s only the legal stuff (signing charts and prescriptions, fellowship applications, credit cards, plane tix, etc.) that get my full married name. My name is enmeshed with my identity in a way that I wasn''t willing to give up. But that''s not the point here! We''re not really here to have a discussion on the merits of changing vs. not changing one''s name.

+1000000 on the name change being a huge pain in the butt. Of course that doesn''t really apply to the OP and her FI, considering they''re *both* planning on hybridizing theirs. However, also keep in mind that in many states, marriage isn''t considered a "valid" reason for a man to change his name. It''s stupid and sexist, but a lot of men getting married often have to get a court order to hyphenate, hybridize, or fully change their last names, as the marriage license is only accepted for women.

Anyway, despite that, my advice to the OP still stands: stick with whatever makes the two of you happy, but whatever you choose, please don''t give in just because of what his parents are saying!