last name drama (long)

[jen2M]

This is the first major stress of the wedding. My FI and I have been discussing our last names and possible changes over the past 10 months. We narrowed it down to keeping our own (and figuring out what to do with children later) or blending our lasts names to create one new last name we would both share. We shared these ideas with both of our families and they were supportive. After much thought, we decided to choose the blended last name. We felt this was the best way for us to represent our partnership, honor both sides of our family and to allow us and our future children to all have the same last name. We both have long last names so we chose the first 4 letters from each of our last names. For example (not real last names): McDonald and Mitten = McDomitt

We were about to put this information in our wedding program and I asked my FI to call his parents one last time to let them know that we had made this decision. Now, 5 weeks before the wedding, they hate the idea. They recognize the reasoning behind why we would like to do this—but just don’t like the idea at all—and they mention “tradition” being the reason they are not okay with it. They, of course are welcome to their opinion and we are glad they were honest with us, but we are just not sure what to do now. We are both very close to both sets of parents and are hurt that his parents feel this way. They have said do what you like, but you will always be “John James McDonald” almost implying that they would not recognize or validate the new name if we go through with it. We wanted to do this because we thought it would be a beautiful gesture of our partnership and to honor both families and now I just don’t know. I said to FI last night that I would just take his last name, but that isn’t really what either of us want.

I don’t know what to do. Thanks for reading and for any advice you might have!

 

[Hest88]

I sorta understand what they mean. Blending seems like an honor but you''re essentially losing the integrity of the last names; one would have to explain them all the time to understand where they come from and generations from now may completely lose the connection to their origins.

That said, the two of you should do what you feel is right for your new family. (I guess you feel your names are too long to hypenate?)

 

[brooklyngirl]

One thing that jumped out at me from your post was your constant reaching out to your FILs for approval of your new name. You said you''ve discussed it once, and everyone was supportive -- great. Why did you feel the need to get their approval again?

If you and FI want this new name, then take the new name. You are going to be the only ones that regret not taking it, because in the grand scheme of things, the subject will not come up too often for your FILs, but for you, what you are called will come up EVERY DAY. So, who has more to ''lose'' in this, you or them?

I''m not sure why FILs happiness/comfort is more important than your own. You are both responsible adults, about to have your own family, and you have the right to call yourselves whatever you want.

 

[UnderBlue]

Date: 11/9/2009 8:04:41 PM
Author:jen2M

... They recognize the reasoning behind why we would like to do this—but just don’t like the idea at all—and they mention “tradition” being the reason they are not okay with it. They, of course are welcome to their opinion and we are glad they were honest with us, but we are just not sure what to do now. We are both very close to both sets of parents and are hurt that his parents feel this way. They have said do what you like, but you will always be “John James McDonald” almost implying that they would not recognize or validate the new name if we go through with it. We wanted to do this because we thought it would be a beautiful gesture of our partnership and to honor both families and now I just don’t know. I said to FI last night that I would just take his last name, but that isn’t really what either of us want.

I don’t know what to do. Thanks for reading and for any advice you might have!

That wasn''t an option you said you wanted to do, so DON''T do that!

You and your FI have made a decision, if it''s what you both want and will make you happy, your in-laws will get over it, especially if you kids. And how often do they use either of your last names anyway? Tradition for tradition''s sake isn''t a good excuse for anything in my opinion.

 

[cindygenit]

I''m sorry this is happening so close to the day of your wedding. WHY didn''t they bring this up earlier?

Anyway, I think this should be you and your FI''s decision and your FI''s parents should put on their big boy and big girl panties and suck it up!

 

[Haven]

I agree that you should do what *you* both feel is right. It would be nice if your in-laws supported your decision, but I imagine that this won''t be the first time you make a decision that your in-laws won''t completely agree with.

If the two of you have thought long and hard about this decision, and you both want to blend your names to make your new last name, then that is exactly what you should do.

I know a couple who did something similar. Well, they just chose a completely new last name for themselves. It''s a Hebrew word that has significance to them, and they''re very proud of their new family name. You should be, too.

 

[jen2M]

Thanks so much for the thoughts and input. It is so nice to have some outside perspective.

Hest: I understand this logic too, but I like the idea of kids getting to explain how their last name came to be. I have a middle name with a long story and even as a young child I would communicate this story to others when they asked my middle name. But, you are right, it possibly could get lost several generations from now.

Brooklyn, Haven, Cindy, Under: You are right—and the logical side of me knows this and I would give the same advice you are giving. I come from a family who has been supportive of anything and everything I have come up with and the fact that his parents are not this way is new to me. I don’t know if this could cause damage to the relationship between his parents and us. I love my FIL and I don’t want them to think we are dishonoring them, but I understand it is our lives and we need to do what is right for us.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 11/9/2009 8:29:49 PM
Author: Haven
I agree that you should do what *you* both feel is right. It would be nice if your in-laws supported your decision, but I imagine that this won''t be the first time you make a decision that your in-laws won''t completely agree with.

If the two of you have thought long and hard about this decision, and you both want to blend your names to make your new last name, then that is exactly what you should do.

I know a couple who did something similar. Well, they just chose a completely new last name for themselves. It''s a Hebrew word that has significance to them, and they''re very proud of their new family name. You should be, too.

DItto this. It''s strange that his parents would suddenly object, but that''s not a reason to change your decision. You''ve obviously thought it through and it''s what you''ve both decided. (And I think taking his last name because his parents object to your blended name is a great way to resent his parents for the rest of your life!) Stick to your guns on this-I''m sure they''ll get over it soon enough if they''re reasonable people.

 

[IceExplorer]

I understand everyones position here...
Ultimately, you and your partner should do what most pleases you.

With a shared wish to ensure respect towards your future in-laws perhaps you could do it at a time after the wedding. Get married and keep your maiden name(since you don''t really want to take his), after stress levels tone down after the wedding, change it.

After the wedding it''s much more of a personal choice (between you and hubs) without the stress of others opinions. It still meets your wishes to represent your partnership and union and perhaps your can use the birth of a child to ceremonially celebrate it.

What ever you choose - congrats and good luck

 

[makemepretty]

I guess I''ve never understood why women don''t want their new husbands last name. Yes, it''s old fashioned but it''s traditional. I LOVED being called "Mrs. so and so". I love that my family all has the same last name. You don''t lose yourself by taking your husbands last name at all, you actually are MORE joined. We have a sign in our front yard that says "The .....''s" All the couples who each keep their own names and then have the decision of which name to give their children are really not putting themselves forth as a joined family IMHO. My opinion is to take your husbands last name, give your children the same last name and realize you''re part of a family tree.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 11/11/2009 7:35:38 AM
Author: makemepretty
I guess I''ve never understood why women don''t want their new husbands last name. Yes, it''s old fashioned but it''s traditional. I LOVED being called ''Mrs. so and so''. I love that my family all has the same last name. You don''t lose yourself by taking your husbands last name at all, you actually are MORE joined. We have a sign in our front yard that says ''The .....''s'' All the couples who each keep their own names and then have the decision of which name to give their children are really not putting themselves forth as a joined family IMHO. My opinion is to take your husbands last name, give your children the same last name and realize you''re part of a family tree.

Yeah, maybe this is a generational thing, but I never really understood the reasoning behind not taking the husband''s name, and I''ll be honest, I''m 49 and I''ve never heard of creating a new name. It''s a strange idea to me, and I suspect that your fil''s feel the same way. Just trying to give some input from an older person. Not to sound melodramatic, but you''re basically changing family history here. The family tree will be forever changed. And I can see why that would be unsettling to a family member. Not to sound morbid, but older people think about death more, and it may make them feel sad that the family name won''t continue, or will be changed, after they''re gone.

A few posters seem almost mad at you that you are considering your fil''s feelings. "you should do what you want" is almost like a mantra when it comes to these family issues. And in the end, I guess you should, it sounds important to you even though I don''t get it. But I think it is really nice that you are concerned about how your fil''s parents feel. They are entitled to have an opinion on this. They sound like reasonable people, sounds like they will go with what you decide to do, and not hold it against you. And if you do a combined name, they should acknowledge it, even if they don''t agree. But if they don''t, I guess you''ll just have to accept that, and not let it bother you.

 

[Astaroth]

I am 30 and have never heard of creating a new name either so obviously not just a generation thing.

To be honest, the idea of merging the two names without making them double barrelled seems odd to me too. I dont think it is "fair" as it is something that happens to both of you but it doesn''t honour either family as you are butchering both names.

You should be thankful yours is that simple though... my fiancée is latina (and using your names as exmaples) and so legally when we marry she will go from being McDonald Smith to McDonald du Mitten (she will drop Smith which is her maternal grandfathers surname and replace it with of my surname) and our children should therefore be Mitten McDonald (if a daughter gets married they then become Mitten du NewSurname where as a son will remain Mitten McDonald).

Given we live in the UK though her name here will change from McDonald Smith to Mitten. So her UK passport will have 1 name and her home passport will have another.... currently looking into if it is at all possible to change her surname back home.

So we have 2 different traditions to deal with and 2 different legal systems.

I personally don''t like your idea, if I am honest, but they are your names and you should be able to be called what you want to be. Ultimately all the extended family can like it or .....

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/11/2009 8:35:54 AM
Author: junebug17

Date: 11/11/2009 7:35:38 AM
Author: makemepretty
I guess I've never understood why women don't want their new husbands last name. Yes, it's old fashioned but it's traditional. I LOVED being called 'Mrs. so and so'. I love that my family all has the same last name. You don't lose yourself by taking your husbands last name at all, you actually are MORE joined. We have a sign in our front yard that says 'The .....'s' All the couples who each keep their own names and then have the decision of which name to give their children are really not putting themselves forth as a joined family IMHO. My opinion is to take your husbands last name, give your children the same last name and realize you're part of a family tree.

Yeah, maybe this is a generational thing, but I never really understood the reasoning behind not taking the husband's name, and I'll be honest, I'm 49 and I've never heard of creating a new name. It's a strange idea to me, and I suspect that your fil's feel the same way. Just trying to give some input from an older person. Not to sound melodramatic, but you're basically changing family history here. The family tree will be forever changed. And I can see why that would be unsettling to a family member. Not to sound morbid, but older people think about death more, and it may make them feel sad that the family name won't continue, or will be changed, after they're gone.

A few posters seem almost mad at you that you are considering your fil's feelings. 'you should do what you want' is almost like a mantra when it comes to these family issues. And in the end, I guess you should, it sounds important to you even though I don't get it. But I think it is really nice that you are concerned about how your fil's parents feel. They are entitled to have an opinion on this. They sound like reasonable people, sounds like they will go with what you decide to do, and not hold it against you. And if you do a combined name, they should acknowledge it, even if they don't agree. But if they don't, I guess you'll just have to accept that, and not let it bother you.

I think what's different about this generation is that a lot of young women are getting advanced degrees (JDs, MDs, PhDs) before getting married and beginning their careers as "Dr. MaidenName" or "Attorney MaidenName." I can only speak for myself but it's not that I don't want to be Mrs. HisLastname or the HisLastNames, it's that I don't want to give up the contacts and career I've built up under my maiden name.

This doesn't seem to be the issue for jen2M though because she's still changing her name in this scenario. To a lot of people, having the same name on the family tree isn't important. I mean you're still family, right? When women change their names, they are still part of their parents' family tree even though they have a new last name.

I totally agree with junebug that it is really nice that you are concerned about your fil's feelings. They gave their son his name and I can understand their wanting to express their feelings on it being changed (not that you have to follow what they say). I think it's nice when couples involve their families in these discussions. Even if you make a choice they disagree with, they are less likely to be resentful knowing that you cared enough to discuss it with them.

 

[Clairitek]

I''m so sorry that your in-laws changed their mind about the blended name thing. I can totally understand your desire to have everyone on board with your decision, even though the decision is totally just your own.

I don''t have any big advice about how to deal with the situation beyond maybe sitting down and calmly explaining why you want to have a blended name and what it means to the two of you. I take it you reminded them that they were originally behind the idea?

Don''t just settle on the name thing. You don''t have to change your name(s) the second you get married. I had a hard time making up my mind so I took about 4 months to make a choice. I love the choice I made and don''t regret taking a little time to figure out what was exactly right for me and my husband.

Date: 11/11/2009 7:35:38 AM
Author: makemepretty
I guess I''ve never understood why women don''t want their new husbands last name. Yes, it''s old fashioned but it''s traditional. I LOVED being called ''Mrs. so and so''. I love that my family all has the same last name. You don''t lose yourself by taking your husbands last name at all, you actually are MORE joined. We have a sign in our front yard that says ''The .....''s'' All the couples who each keep their own names and then have the decision of which name to give their children are really not putting themselves forth as a joined family IMHO. My opinion is to take your husbands last name, give your children the same last name and realize you''re part of a family tree.

Did it occur to you that some people might keep their own names and then give the kids a hyphenated name? My cousin and his wife have done that, with all three of their kids. I *highly* doubt that anyone thinks of them as less of a family because they each still have their pre-marriage names. I decided to hyphenate and our kids will have the hyphenated name but DH kept his original name. Does this mean that the kids are less his because they won''t share the same exact last name? I hyphenated and I certainly don''t feel like if I had taken my DH''s name and dropped the maiden one entirely that I would be viewed as more of a wife to my husband.

 

[MonkeyPie]

We are long past the point in time where taking your husbands name means he is able to pass on his name to his children - it no longer matters to the majority of the population anymore. I took my husbands last name because I wanted to, not because of age-old traditions or because it was "proper". These days, you should do what you want to do, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

 

[princesss]

Date: 11/11/2009 8:35:54 AM
Author: junebug17

Date: 11/11/2009 7:35:38 AM
Author: makemepretty
I guess I''ve never understood why women don''t want their new husbands last name. Yes, it''s old fashioned but it''s traditional. I LOVED being called ''Mrs. so and so''. I love that my family all has the same last name. You don''t lose yourself by taking your husbands last name at all, you actually are MORE joined. We have a sign in our front yard that says ''The .....''s'' All the couples who each keep their own names and then have the decision of which name to give their children are really not putting themselves forth as a joined family IMHO. My opinion is to take your husbands last name, give your children the same last name and realize you''re part of a family tree.

Yeah, maybe this is a generational thing, but I never really understood the reasoning behind not taking the husband''s name, and I''ll be honest, I''m 49 and I''ve never heard of creating a new name. It''s a strange idea to me, and I suspect that your fil''s feel the same way. Just trying to give some input from an older person. Not to sound melodramatic, but you''re basically changing family history here. The family tree will be forever changed. And I can see why that would be unsettling to a family member. Not to sound morbid, but older people think about death more, and it may make them feel sad that the family name won''t continue, or will be changed, after they''re gone.

A few posters seem almost mad at you that you are considering your fil''s feelings. ''you should do what you want'' is almost like a mantra when it comes to these family issues. And in the end, I guess you should, it sounds important to you even though I don''t get it. But I think it is really nice that you are concerned about how your fil''s parents feel. They are entitled to have an opinion on this. They sound like reasonable people, sounds like they will go with what you decide to do, and not hold it against you. And if you do a combined name, they should acknowledge it, even if they don''t agree. But if they don''t, I guess you''ll just have to accept that, and not let it bother you.

But family trees are changed anytime somebody is born, marries, or dies. Family trees are a living thing, and they change based on the choices each person in the family makes.

I heard a quotation the other day that stuck with me. "Tradition should be a guide, not a jailer." If you feel like traditions are stifling you, you don''t have to follow them. If they''re not right for you, you don''t have to follow them. They are simply what''s been done in the past, not a law that must be followed. Rarely does a tradition work for everybody - people tweak them all the time!

I think it''s great you''re considering your FILs, jen2M. But add me to the list of people that say that there will be many things they''ll disagree with you on. As long as you''ve listened to their position and considered it, I think that''s all you really need to do. In the end, do what''s right for you two and be happy.

 

[junebug17]

Look, I'm not dissing anyone else's opinion, I already told the OP she should do what she and FI want, even if I don't agree with it. All of you are entitled to your opinion, but I'm also entitled to mine, and in this case I feel family names shouldn't be morphed into something new. I like certain traditions and won't apologize for that. It's fine if OP wants to start a new tradition, but don't expect everyone to jump on the band-wagon and feel all warm and fuzzy about it.

 

[tlh]

Date: 11/11/2009 12:00:32 PM
Author: junebug17
Look, I''m not dissing anyone else''s opinion, I already told the OP she should do what she and FI want, even if I don''t agree with it. All of you are entitled to your opinion, but I''m also entitled to mine, and in this case I feel family names shouldn''t be morphed into something new. I like certain traditions and won''t apologize for that. It''s fine if OP wants to start a new tradition, but don''t expect everyone to jump on the band-wagon and feel all warm and fuzzy about it.

I agree. Maybe why people are giving their children weird names now... because they want them to all be unique little snowflakes. Turns out those unique names often times can hinder a person in their later career. (Granted hollywood kids don''t have to worry about that later (Kal-el, apple, etc.) - but a name is really a significant and powerful thing.)

best wishes to you in your decision. It should be a decision you and your FI make together. I understand not taking your husband''s name when you''ve established yourself under your maiden name- or if there is a justified reason behind it. (I do know a MAN that took his WIFE''S last name, because she was the last in her family tree, and he did it so that HER family name wouldn''t die off... which was very sweet indeed.) I think it is important to have an understanding from your FILS even if it isn''t approval or whatnot - because even though for SOME things it doesn''t matter what people think - a name is significant.

 

[jstarfireb]

I went through a lot of drama regarding my name, which I decided to hyphenate. So I can definitely identify. But this was drama between me and my husband, so at least he's on board with you! My family was actually very supportive of my desire to keep my own name, whereas my husband insisted on having me take his.

Obviously there are many reasons why one would either take a spouse's name or keep their born name, and there's no need to go into the reasons here. What's clear is that you wanted to blend your names (which I think is really cool, and I have one friend who also did that). Your future husband is supportive but your family, whom you thought also supported you, has apparently changed their minds. That's really unfortunate! Don't give in to their pressure, though...do what you feel is right, and they will come around eventually. I really don't think your taking his name is a good solution, as it's his parents who don't support your choice, not your parents. You might consider a compromise by having the both of you use a hyphenated name, as in Mcdonald-Mitten. That would keep both names intact and also symbolize your partnership.

As an alternative, you could each change your middle names to your respective family's last name, and choose a meaningful word (like Haven's friends' Hebrew word) to be your shared last name. For example, let's say your current name is Jennifer Lynn Mitten and his is John James McDonald. And let's say you both are interested in Celtic culture. You decide to take the Gaelic word for "true spouse", which is Sonuachar (found that on Google, so someone correct me if I'm wrong). So you would become Jennifer Mitten Sonuachar and he'd be John McDonald Sonuachar. This would allow you to pick a new name that symbolizes the coming together of your new family, while you still get to honor your respective families by keeping them as middle names. Anyway, you would pick a word that means something to you both.

Now, you may absolutely love your middle name (and from your last post it sounds like you do, so you could keep it and retain your last name as a 2nd middle name), or you won't be able to agree on a new meaningful last name, or maybe you think it's hokey, but I just wanted to throw it out there! His parents may still object because making a new name isn't traditional, but at least this would be a way to keep your family names in the mix.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/11/2009 12:00:32 PM
Author: junebug17
Look, I'm not dissing anyone else's opinion, I already told the OP she should do what she and FI want, even if I don't agree with it. All of you are entitled to your opinion, but I'm also entitled to mine, and in this case I feel family names shouldn't be morphed into something new. I like certain traditions and won't apologize for that. It's fine if OP wants to start a new tradition, but don't expect everyone to jump on the band-wagon and feel all warm and fuzzy about it.

Gosh, I hope this anger isn't directed towards me.

I was trying to offer up why I thought there was a difference between this generation's views on name change and our parents' views. Of course everyone is entitled to their opinions - I don't think anyone expects people to jump on any band-wagon. These name change threads always bring out lots of differing views and ideas about what a last name means to different people.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 11/11/2009 7:35:38 AM
Author: makemepretty
I guess I''ve never understood why women don''t want their new husbands last name. Yes, it''s old fashioned but it''s traditional. I LOVED being called ''Mrs. so and so''. I love that my family all has the same last name. You don''t lose yourself by taking your husbands last name at all, you actually are MORE joined. We have a sign in our front yard that says ''The .....''s'' All the couples who each keep their own names and then have the decision of which name to give their children are really not putting themselves forth as a joined family IMHO. My opinion is to take your husbands last name, give your children the same last name and realize you''re part of a family tree.

I never understand why women don''t keep their own last name. The simple fact that it''s old fashioned and traditional is a terrible reason to do something. I LOVE being called Thing So-and-so, so now I''m still called Thing So-and-so. I love that even though we have different last names we''re still very much a family. You lose yourself by taking your husband''s last name and it really has nothing to do with how joined you are. However, we aren''t the type of people to have a sign in our front yard with our names, so I can''t comment on the multitude of benefits you''ll lose there by not taking your husband''s last name. I really respect all the couples who have their own names and then hyphenate their children''s names-it shows that the children are from 2 separate people who joined to create a family. My opinion is to keep your own name, give your children a hyphenated last name and realize that you''re still very much a part of a family tree, regardless of what your last name is.

 

[kas baby]

this is a subject of concern for me as well. I don''t like the stigma of ''ownership'' when taking on the man''s last name- not cool. I know now its mostly lost that meaning, but still, the history is there and it makes me upset. I also really don''t like the family where FI''s last name comes from, as they have abandoned him and never speak. So I don''t really want his last name. I don''t want my last name because my dad never did anything for me, and his family never really tries to make contact despite my attempts. why should I keep that last name?

I''ve thought about just dropping my last name, but what would be my professional title? Dr. First name? weird. We''ve also got future kids to think about. FI is supportive of whatever I do, but for whatever reason he can not bring himself to let go of his family''s name despite all the crap they put him through and then just left him out in the cold.

not sure about any advice, but hang in there! The important thing is that you''re getting married to someone you love

 

[fieryred33143]

Well, I was always in the camp of taking the husband''s last name but I did consider keeping my last name. Now that I have a daughter, it is the biggest PITA that we have separate last names. I''m sitting on a $12k bill that the insurance keeps denying because they want more proof that she and I are related

I think this whole concept of creating a new last name is too trendy but if that''s what makes you happy then go for it. I can totally see why it bothers them though.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 11/11/2009 2:29:40 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 11/11/2009 12:00:32 PM
Author: junebug17
Look, I''m not dissing anyone else''s opinion, I already told the OP she should do what she and FI want, even if I don''t agree with it. All of you are entitled to your opinion, but I''m also entitled to mine, and in this case I feel family names shouldn''t be morphed into something new. I like certain traditions and won''t apologize for that. It''s fine if OP wants to start a new tradition, but don''t expect everyone to jump on the band-wagon and feel all warm and fuzzy about it.

Gosh, I hope this anger isn''t directed towards me.

I was trying to offer up why I thought there was a difference between this generation''s views on name change and our parents'' views. Of course everyone is entitled to their opinions - I don''t think anyone expects people to jump on any band-wagon. These name change threads always bring out lots of differing views and ideas about what a last name means to different people.

I know, I''m really sorry about my cranky post, I was going to apologize for it, I didn''t get much sleep last night and I am so grouchy, I don''t know why I got so defensive. My post wasn''t really directed at anybody, I just felt a little ganged-up on or something, I know that that isn''t the case. I apologize for being so harsh...I just meant to say that OP might have to just accept that her fil''s are having a hard time with the combination of names right now, so she shouldn''t expect a whole lot of support from them right now. She and FI should just do what is best for them, but they may have to deal with some people not being very accepting, at least at first.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/11/2009 2:49:49 PM
Author: junebug17

Date: 11/11/2009 2:29:40 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 11/11/2009 12:00:32 PM
Author: junebug17
Look, I''m not dissing anyone else''s opinion, I already told the OP she should do what she and FI want, even if I don''t agree with it. All of you are entitled to your opinion, but I''m also entitled to mine, and in this case I feel family names shouldn''t be morphed into something new. I like certain traditions and won''t apologize for that. It''s fine if OP wants to start a new tradition, but don''t expect everyone to jump on the band-wagon and feel all warm and fuzzy about it.

Gosh, I hope this anger isn''t directed towards me.

I was trying to offer up why I thought there was a difference between this generation''s views on name change and our parents'' views. Of course everyone is entitled to their opinions - I don''t think anyone expects people to jump on any band-wagon. These name change threads always bring out lots of differing views and ideas about what a last name means to different people.

I know, I''m really sorry about my cranky post, I was going to apologize for it, I didn''t get much sleep last night and I am so grouchy, I don''t know why I got so defensive. My post wasn''t really directed at anybody, I just felt a little ganged-up on or something, I know that that isn''t the case. I apologize for being so harsh...I just meant to say that OP might have to just accept that her fil''s are having a hard time with the combination of names right now, so she shouldn''t expect a whole lot of support from them right now. She and FI should just do what is best for them, but they may have to deal with some people not being very accepting, at least at first.

No worries. We all have those days!

I really think it''s helpful when we have married ladies chime in on these issues and it''s interesting to hear where each of us is coming from.

 

[KatyWI]

Date: 11/11/2009 2:32:02 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 11/11/2009 7:35:38 AM

Author: makemepretty

I guess I''ve never understood why women don''t want their new husbands last name. Yes, it''s old fashioned but it''s traditional. I LOVED being called ''Mrs. so and so''. I love that my family all has the same last name. You don''t lose yourself by taking your husbands last name at all, you actually are MORE joined. We have a sign in our front yard that says ''The .....''s'' All the couples who each keep their own names and then have the decision of which name to give their children are really not putting themselves forth as a joined family IMHO. My opinion is to take your husbands last name, give your children the same last name and realize you''re part of a family tree.

I never understand why women don''t keep their own last name. The simple fact that it''s old fashioned and traditional is a terrible reason to do something. I LOVE being called Thing So-and-so, so now I''m still called Thing So-and-so. I love that even though we have different last names we''re still very much a family. You lose yourself by taking your husband''s last name and it really has nothing to do with how joined you are. However, we aren''t the type of people to have a sign in our front yard with our names, so I can''t comment on the multitude of benefits you''ll lose there by not taking your husband''s last name. I really respect all the couples who have their own names and then hyphenate their children''s names-it shows that the children are from 2 separate people who joined to create a family. My opinion is to keep your own name, give your children a hyphenated last name and realize that you''re still very much a part of a family tree, regardless of what your last name is.

You know I adore you, Thing2, but seriously?

If everyone starts hyphenating their kids names, then you''re going to have Jane McDonald-SchMcDonald marrying John McDougle-SchMcDougle and then by your system their poor kids are going to have to be Harriet and Harry McDonald-SchMcDonald-McDougle-SchMcDougle and IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE.

The system evolved the way it did for a reason... it''s not (only) sexist, it''s just SIMPLE.

I don''t give a darn what other people want to do, and I''m all for anyone having whatever the heck name they want, but saying that I lost myself because I added DH''s name to mine really steams me up. I kept my maiden name as a middle name, and I may not be displaying it socially, but I''m just as much me as I was before, and anyone who knows me is well aware of that fact.

 

[musey]

I''m with you, Katy. I''m all for simplicity, and that''s part of why I chose to take hubs'' name when we married. That on top of the fact that the new name is much more interesting and less common than the old one

It had nothing at all to do with tradition (other than the fact that if it weren''t tradition, I may not have thought to do it in the first place I suppose... this line of thought seems like a slippery slope).

I think taking your spouse''s name is great. I also think hyphenating is great. I also happen to love the idea of blending names, as well as choosing a family name from further back in your lineage, or even choosing a new name together. Just plain leaving your names as they are is great, too. I think all options have their positives and negatives, some carry more complications than others... it''s all about finding what works for you and your new family.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 11/11/2009 6:39:50 PM
Author: KatyWI

Date: 11/11/2009 2:32:02 PM

Author: thing2of2

Date: 11/11/2009 7:35:38 AM

Author: makemepretty

I guess I''ve never understood why women don''t want their new husbands last name. Yes, it''s old fashioned but it''s traditional. I LOVED being called ''Mrs. so and so''. I love that my family all has the same last name. You don''t lose yourself by taking your husbands last name at all, you actually are MORE joined. We have a sign in our front yard that says ''The .....''s'' All the couples who each keep their own names and then have the decision of which name to give their children are really not putting themselves forth as a joined family IMHO. My opinion is to take your husbands last name, give your children the same last name and realize you''re part of a family tree.

I never understand why women don''t keep their own last name. The simple fact that it''s old fashioned and traditional is a terrible reason to do something. I LOVE being called Thing So-and-so, so now I''m still called Thing So-and-so. I love that even though we have different last names we''re still very much a family. You lose yourself by taking your husband''s last name and it really has nothing to do with how joined you are. However, we aren''t the type of people to have a sign in our front yard with our names, so I can''t comment on the multitude of benefits you''ll lose there by not taking your husband''s last name. I really respect all the couples who have their own names and then hyphenate their children''s names-it shows that the children are from 2 separate people who joined to create a family. My opinion is to keep your own name, give your children a hyphenated last name and realize that you''re still very much a part of a family tree, regardless of what your last name is.

You know I adore you, Thing2, but seriously?

If everyone starts hyphenating their kids names, then you''re going to have Jane McDonald-SchMcDonald marrying John McDougle-SchMcDougle and then by your system their poor kids are going to have to be Harriet and Harry McDonald-SchMcDonald-McDougle-SchMcDougle and IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE.

The system evolved the way it did for a reason... it''s not (only) sexist, it''s just SIMPLE.

I don''t give a darn what other people want to do, and I''m all for anyone having whatever the heck name they want, but saying that I lost myself because I added DH''s name to mine really steams me up. I kept my maiden name as a middle name, and I may not be displaying it socially, but I''m just as much me as I was before, and anyone who knows me is well aware of that fact.

...I was being a smartass and writing makemepretty''s post pretty much word for word from the opposite perspective, but I guess that got lost in translation. If you''ll notice, makemepretty''s post said that taking your husband''s last name makes you somehow more "joined." Um, we''re married-it doesn''t get much more "joined" than that, and saying that a last name makes you more "joined" is the most ridiculous thing I''ve ever heard. Women should do whatever they want, provided it''s what *they* want, not what their husbands/parents/in-laws want.

All that aside, simplicity for my hypothetical children''s sake isn''t a good enough reason to join in on a patriarchal system. If I pop a kid out, his/her name will be hyphenated. If these hypothetical kids are boys, they''ll be saddled with the horrible burden of a hyphenated, 5 syllable last name for the rest of their lives...I hope they''ll live a full life anyway.

If these hypothetical kids are girls, they can decide what to do with their last names if they get married. I would hope they would keep their last names, but what they do is their choice, and I will of course, fully support these hypothetical hyphenated-named female children in their decision.

 

[purrfectpear]

I think the OP mentioned that both of their current last names are extremely long, so hyphenating may not work so well. Who wants to be known as OP kerflopschmunger-doozywhatsiski ?

I don''t have any personal feelings on whether you both keep your own names, take his name, or take your name. I don''t particularly like the "let''s invent a new name" because I think it''s sad that neither of your original names will be passed on. I''ve heard of some families where each spouse kept their own name, and when children came the girls got mom''s last name and the boy''s got dad''s because hyphenating would have been ridiculously long. Apparently it didn''t cause all that much confusion and both sides of the IL''s were happy campers.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I was raised never expecting to change to my husband's name because the tradition is not to change names, at least, not in the part of China my family is from.

And anyways, I'm an only child, and I can't tell you how proud my dad is of me that I carry his last name. He loves bragging to his family that there will be a Dr. X in family. It would just break his heart if I changed it. And he raised me to learn the history of my name, what it means, where it came from, how to write it in Chinese. I grew up to that name, got teased about it in school, had nicknames stem from it, and have great memories attached to it. It's just so much a part of my identity that I just couldn't change it.

I grew up with parents with different last names (and first names nobody could pronounce). It was never a big deal, I never really thought twice about it.

I do think names are important, and it's your name, and the one that you'll live the rest of your life with and the one that will be on your tombstone! So by all means, do what feels right for you!

ETA: Our kids will have hubby's last name, but they'll have my last name for their Chinese names. I still think they should have my last name (the woman does all the work making the baby! Why SHOULDNT the baby have our name?) because it matches our ethnicity better, but hubby makes pouty faces at the idea of that, haha.