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Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chime in

Circe

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

madelise|1345737404|3255940 said:
Circe|1345735235|3255924 said:
I am equally head-scratchy about why he thinks he gets a vote in how you spend your fun money. Is he equally judge-y about other things, or is it just "frivolous" expenditures?


I agree with all of the rest of your post, Circe, but I would be one annoyed Madelise if my paychecks went to my SAHS (Stay at Home Spouse)'s $30k+ bling. Materialism does not need to be supported by a marriage partner, and it shouldn't be considered judge-y. That's why I suggested that if he's so against it, she do the purchase on her own when she is employed (but even then, I was hesitant on saying that because the DH should totally have a say on whether that $ should go towards savings and the family > bling). I mean, really, 3+ carat diamonds are frivolous. There's no need for one whatsoever (though the PS viewer might be inclined to disagree!), and kids, bills, and saving for the future should come first. If I had kids, and a SAHS to support, I would want every penny of my extra money to go towards those said kids' college funds in some type of investment. Bling can always be purchased after the kids have gone to college and graduated.. but you can't pay their tuitions with a 3 carat ring! Let's say you and SO already have 2 cars that are very dependable and "enough", and he goes out to buy a $30K+ sports car "for fun" to add to his collection of cars.. when you have a young family to save for. I would go batsh!t crazy on him, take the kids, and leave!


Honestly, in the outside-of-PS world, upgrades are looked at as an unnecessary extravagance, and gives off the feeling that the woman is ungrateful for her first ring. I am part of a non-jewelry related forum that has thousands of members, and one girl brought the subject up of upgrading in a thread. She had gotten flamed to the ground for being ungrateful and materialistic. Many members chimed in saying that they would wear the crappiest, ugliest rings for life because it's what is represented as their engagement ring. Any other rings wouldn't be a "real" engagement ring, but just another reason to hide the real one.

But ... if I understood correctly, she bought the OECs with money she earned, and wanted to get the 3 ct stone with money she would earn in the future.

And that's ASIDE from the issues that arise once you start quantifying the value a stay-at-home spouse brings to the marriage: I actually have some major issues with that division within a marriage, because, wow, way to discourage anybody, of either gender, regardless of qualifications, from EVER wanting to stay home with kids, and way to devalue the invisible labor that women are still inordinately responsible for.

As for the other forum ... no comment. I find there's a lot of dislike for anything coded female in most of our society. Never seen it as a reason to give the individual manifestations a pass.
 

Dreamer_D

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Ummm... madelise why does the spouse working a job with a paycheck have more say about how money is spent than the spouse working the job without a paycheck :read: Sorry, that's positively antiquated.

Maybe the OP and other spouse's working to support the family without getting a paycheck should give their husbands/wives an invoice for all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare... I think a live-in nanny and cleaner costs at least $30k per annum, not to mention the cost of all the other "services" a spouse may offer. Yes, this is reductio ad absurdam because it is absurd, in my opinion, to say the one earning the paycheck gets to determine where the money goes. Nope, *any* money earned by *either* spouse is family communal money. She has as much say in how its spent as he does. The question is, why is he opposed to her spending disposable income -- and I assume disposable because she sounds like a totally reasonable person -- on diamonds? As she said, he also has disposable income which he spends as he pleases.

I just don't think her working or not comes into the equation from a theoretical perspective.The OP did not say anything about buying something with money for the kids college funds. Her DH even opposed the small diamond purchases she made with her own saved fun money.

I think its all about power. "Me earn money, me say how its spent!"
 

Dreamer_D

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Circe|1345739270|3255964 said:
madelise|1345737404|3255940 said:
Circe|1345735235|3255924 said:
I am equally head-scratchy about why he thinks he gets a vote in how you spend your fun money. Is he equally judge-y about other things, or is it just "frivolous" expenditures?


I agree with all of the rest of your post, Circe, but I would be one annoyed Madelise if my paychecks went to my SAHS (Stay at Home Spouse)'s $30k+ bling. Materialism does not need to be supported by a marriage partner, and it shouldn't be considered judge-y. That's why I suggested that if he's so against it, she do the purchase on her own when she is employed (but even then, I was hesitant on saying that because the DH should totally have a say on whether that $ should go towards savings and the family > bling). I mean, really, 3+ carat diamonds are frivolous. There's no need for one whatsoever (though the PS viewer might be inclined to disagree!), and kids, bills, and saving for the future should come first. If I had kids, and a SAHS to support, I would want every penny of my extra money to go towards those said kids' college funds in some type of investment. Bling can always be purchased after the kids have gone to college and graduated.. but you can't pay their tuitions with a 3 carat ring! Let's say you and SO already have 2 cars that are very dependable and "enough", and he goes out to buy a $30K+ sports car "for fun" to add to his collection of cars.. when you have a young family to save for. I would go batsh!t crazy on him, take the kids, and leave!


Honestly, in the outside-of-PS world, upgrades are looked at as an unnecessary extravagance, and gives off the feeling that the woman is ungrateful for her first ring. I am part of a non-jewelry related forum that has thousands of members, and one girl brought the subject up of upgrading in a thread. She had gotten flamed to the ground for being ungrateful and materialistic. Many members chimed in saying that they would wear the crappiest, ugliest rings for life because it's what is represented as their engagement ring. Any other rings wouldn't be a "real" engagement ring, but just another reason to hide the real one.

But ... if I understood correctly, she bought the OECs with money she earned, and wanted to get the 3 ct stone with money she would earn in the future.

And that's ASIDE from the issues that arise once you start quantifying the value a stay-at-home spouse brings to the marriage: I actually have some major issues with that division within a marriage, because, wow, way to discourage anybody, of either gender, regardless of qualifications, from EVER wanting to stay home with kids, and way to devalue the invisible labor that women are still inordinately responsible for.

As for the other forum ... no comment. I find there's a lot of dislike for anything coded female in most of our society. Never seen it as a reason to give the individual manifestations a pass.

I did not even read that last paragraph before I replied. "Ungrateful" is a term that really irks me when it comes to purchases within a marriage. My diamond bought post marriage were not gifts from my husband, he did not use them to secure the right to marry me and as a security deposit to indicate his intention to care for me. They were bought with our shared money. I am not chattle, I have free will, and luxury purchases are just that -- nice luxuries to enjoy. All this extra meaning imbued, and the judgement of women who DARE to desire something?... :nono:

And how is it any less materialistic to tell your boyfriend you would like a 3ct daimond off the bat, than it is to request of one's husband a 3ct diamond after five years of marriage? The distinction simply does not make sense to me, unless we take into account the historical significance of the engagement ring -- it is fine for a single woman to request a large payment TO marry, but once married, it suddenly becomes ungrateful to wish for the same? Whenever I see such strange inconsistencies in societal norms I think to myself "Ah, there is something MORE to this than meets the eye!"

ETA: My posts are not meant to attack you Madelise specifically, but your posts just pushed my feminist buttons 8) I think women can be the harshest judges of other women and often it is because of unspoken social norms that I think put a lot of contraints of "appropriate" behavior for women. Its just not a social; script I subscribe to. My examples also are not about you per se, just speaking generally about social norms.
 

armywife13

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

I'll just throw this out there.....I just bought a 3.62 ct OEC and am a stay at home mom. :-o :-o :-o

My husband is the sole income while our daughter is young and I am working on my degree(online), but that doesn't mean I don't have equal say in our household finances. I contribute PLENTY to the household. The house is clean(dishes, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, scrubbing, ect), laundry is done, food is on the table when he gets home, bills are paid, and our daughter is cared for. I think that is a whole lot of contribution to our household, even if to the casual observer, it isn't financial.

But the way I see it, it is financial as well. Daycare would be about $1000/month, cleaning services would be about $500 a month for them to come once a week, getting take out or delivery vs cooking at home would cost about $400 more a month, and we save $600 a month by getting rid of our second car and the gas usage that goes along with it(didn't need two cars since I stay at home). So that comes out to $2500/month....I think that gives me a right to have equal say in spending.

If my husband ever said(which he would never) that I didn't have an equal right to spend money, then I would tell him he doesn't have a right to eat the food I made for dinner, wear his clean clothes I washed, or enjoy the house I just spent all day working on to make sure was clean. :lol:
 

madelise

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

I'm not saying a SAHS shouldn't have the power. OP stated that she had a convo about getting a job to support her purchase, and he stayed silent. If the idea of her spending on luxury items pisses him off to silence, I suspect his foot is down on the subject. I never had to "convince" my SO. He offered the idea. If I had to big him to "convince" or "brainwash" him, like some of you have said, I'd be single. I would have been happy as a clam if he proposed with a sparkly band.. Or whatever he can afford. I just want to get married.

Look, maybe my post sounded like I was attacking the SAHS thing. I'm not. I don't care what one does in life. The fact is, OP's husband seems to need "brainwashing", and that sounds like a fight about to happen. I wouldn't dare push SO's buttons again after he was firm about something. And OP herself said her DH felt the $ should be better spent. This sounds like responsibility-$, not an extraneous amount of cash that's floating above a multimillion dollar household.

I'm just saying, he DOESN'T have to agree to it.. Just like us femmes don't have to agree to any wants of our DH's (lakehouse, sports car, boat, etc). But disagreeing over a $200 ticket item might be a bicker... $30k+ item might be fatal to the relationship.

OP- I'm sorry I brought it up, and possibly hurt your feelings. I in no way mean to disrespect SAH Spousedom, regardless of gender. I myself can never be a SAHS because I can't handle the multitudes of household responsibilities. Household = my huge huge weakness, so I actually now down to your (and ArmyWife's!) capabilities.
 

Dreamer_D

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Obviously we were joking abou the idea of "branwashing". It is interesting that the women talking about it all have relatively happy marriages (from what I know here on PS and from contact outside of PS). Maybe there is something to the idea of keeping a woman happy in a marriage by giving her some say about things :read:

I think when you have been married a while it becomes clear that even if one spouse, "puts their foot down" about something, that does not actually change how one feels about the issue. Autocracy does not work well in a marriage. I love diamonds. It was never going to change. If my husband "put his foot down" (whatever that means), then I would still love diamonds. If I kept quiet, resentment would build. And why is it his right to put his foot down about anything really? Marriage is a two way street -- both partners need to make concessions. And its especially important when the issue of discussion is important to the person proposing the purchase/trip/move... whatever.

There is a very good reason why money is the number one cause of divorce, and I don't think its all about the stress of debt or poverty. Its also about power dynamics in relationships.
 

neatfreak

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

madelise|1345737404|3255940 said:
Circe|1345735235|3255924 said:
I am equally head-scratchy about why he thinks he gets a vote in how you spend your fun money. Is he equally judge-y about other things, or is it just "frivolous" expenditures?


I agree with all of the rest of your post, Circe, but I would be one annoyed Madelise if my paychecks went to my SAHS (Stay at Home Spouse)'s $30k+ bling. Materialism does not need to be supported by a marriage partner, and it shouldn't be considered judge-y. That's why I suggested that if he's so against it, she do the purchase on her own when she is employed (but even then, I was hesitant on saying that because the DH should totally have a say on whether that $ should go towards savings and the family > bling). I mean, really, 3+ carat diamonds are frivolous. There's no need for one whatsoever (though the PS viewer might be inclined to disagree!), and kids, bills, and saving for the future should come first. If I had kids, and a SAHS to support, I would want every penny of my extra money to go towards those said kids' college funds in some type of investment. Bling can always be purchased after the kids have gone to college and graduated.. but you can't pay their tuitions with a 3 carat ring! Let's say you and SO already have 2 cars that are very dependable and "enough", and he goes out to buy a $30K+ sports car "for fun" to add to his collection of cars.. when you have a young family to save for. I would go batsh!t crazy on him, take the kids, and leave!


Honestly, in the outside-of-PS world, upgrades are looked at as an unnecessary extravagance, and gives off the feeling that the woman is ungrateful for her first ring. I am part of a non-jewelry related forum that has thousands of members, and one girl brought the subject up of upgrading in a thread. She had gotten flamed to the ground for being ungrateful and materialistic. Many members chimed in saying that they would wear the crappiest, ugliest rings for life because it's what is represented as their engagement ring. Any other rings wouldn't be a "real" engagement ring, but just another reason to hide the real one.

So if she doesn't work her DH gets to decide how to spend the money and if she does work he still should decide how to spend the money? IMO both partners should work out together how the money is spent, regardless of who earns it.

I'd also think about throwing stones about large upgrades. Just because you are financially set to afford a 3 carat when you get engaged does not mean everyone else is in the same situation. And waiting on that upgrade for many is a very responsible thing to do and often a JOINT decision. Not merely a reflection on the woman's materialistic wants.
 

madelise

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

neatfreak|1345750932|3256079 said:
madelise|1345737404|3255940 said:
Circe|1345735235|3255924 said:
I am equally head-scratchy about why he thinks he gets a vote in how you spend your fun money. Is he equally judge-y about other things, or is it just "frivolous" expenditures?


I agree with all of the rest of your post, Circe, but I would be one annoyed Madelise if my paychecks went to my SAHS (Stay at Home Spouse)'s $30k+ bling. Materialism does not need to be supported by a marriage partner, and it shouldn't be considered judge-y. That's why I suggested that if he's so against it, she do the purchase on her own when she is employed (but even then, I was hesitant on saying that because the DH should totally have a say on whether that $ should go towards savings and the family > bling). I mean, really, 3+ carat diamonds are frivolous. There's no need for one whatsoever (though the PS viewer might be inclined to disagree!), and kids, bills, and saving for the future should come first. If I had kids, and a SAHS to support, I would want every penny of my extra money to go towards those said kids' college funds in some type of investment. Bling can always be purchased after the kids have gone to college and graduated.. but you can't pay their tuitions with a 3 carat ring! Let's say you and SO already have 2 cars that are very dependable and "enough", and he goes out to buy a $30K+ sports car "for fun" to add to his collection of cars.. when you have a young family to save for. I would go batsh!t crazy on him, take the kids, and leave!


Honestly, in the outside-of-PS world, upgrades are looked at as an unnecessary extravagance, and gives off the feeling that the woman is ungrateful for her first ring. I am part of a non-jewelry related forum that has thousands of members, and one girl brought the subject up of upgrading in a thread. She had gotten flamed to the ground for being ungrateful and materialistic. Many members chimed in saying that they would wear the crappiest, ugliest rings for life because it's what is represented as their engagement ring. Any other rings wouldn't be a "real" engagement ring, but just another reason to hide the real one.

So if she doesn't work her DH gets to decide how to spend the money and if she does work he still should decide how to spend the money? IMO both partners should work out together how the money is spent, regardless of who earns it.

I'd also think about throwing stones about large upgrades. Just because you are financially set to afford a 3 carat when you get engaged does not mean everyone else is in the same situation. And waiting on that upgrade for many is a very responsible thing to do and often a JOINT decision. Not merely a reflection on the woman's materialistic wants.


Please read my updated post. And don't make assumptions about my finances, thanks.
 

madelise

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Dreamer_D|1345744456|3256012 said:
Obviously we were joking abou the idea of "branwashing". It is interesting that the women talking about it all have relatively happy marriages (from what I know here on PS and from contact outside of PS). Maybe there is something to the idea of keeping a woman happy in a marriage by giving her some say about things :read:

I think when you have been married a while it becomes clear that even if one spouse, "puts their foot down" about something, that does not actually change how one feels about the issue. Autocracy does not work well in a marriage. I love diamonds. It was never going to change. If my husband "put his foot down" (whatever that means), then I would still love diamonds. If I kept quiet, resentment would build. And why is it his right to put his foot down about anything really? Marriage is a two way street -- both partners need to make concessions. And its especially important when the issue of discussion is important to the person proposing the purchase/trip/move... whatever.

There is a very good reason why money is the number one cause of divorce, and I don't think its all about the stress of debt or poverty. Its also about power dynamics in relationships.

I'm glad the brainwashing was joking…. cus I sorta got a semi-seriousness out of it! Like --> :o

What do I know about marriage, anyway? :naughty: I'm still single.
 

marymm

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Dreamer_D|1345744456|3256012 said:
Obviously we were joking abou the idea of "branwashing". It is interesting that the women talking about it all have relatively happy marriages (from what I know here on PS and from contact outside of PS). Maybe there is something to the idea of keeping a woman happy in a marriage by giving her some say about things :read:

I think when you have been married a while it becomes clear that even if one spouse, "puts their foot down" about something, that does not actually change how one feels about the issue. Autocracy does not work well in a marriage. I love diamonds. It was never going to change. If my husband "put his foot down" (whatever that means), then I would still love diamonds. If I kept quiet, resentment would build. And why is it his right to put his foot down about anything really? Marriage is a two way street -- both partners need to make concessions. And its especially important when the issue of discussion is important to the person proposing the purchase/trip/move... whatever.

There is a very good reason why money is the number one cause of divorce, and I don't think its all about the stress of debt or poverty. Its also about power dynamics in relationships.

This is *so* true.
 

neatfreak

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

madelise|1345751304|3256085 said:
neatfreak|1345750932|3256079 said:
madelise|1345737404|3255940 said:
Circe|1345735235|3255924 said:
I am equally head-scratchy about why he thinks he gets a vote in how you spend your fun money. Is he equally judge-y about other things, or is it just "frivolous" expenditures?


I agree with all of the rest of your post, Circe, but I would be one annoyed Madelise if my paychecks went to my SAHS (Stay at Home Spouse)'s $30k+ bling. Materialism does not need to be supported by a marriage partner, and it shouldn't be considered judge-y. That's why I suggested that if he's so against it, she do the purchase on her own when she is employed (but even then, I was hesitant on saying that because the DH should totally have a say on whether that $ should go towards savings and the family > bling). I mean, really, 3+ carat diamonds are frivolous. There's no need for one whatsoever (though the PS viewer might be inclined to disagree!), and kids, bills, and saving for the future should come first. If I had kids, and a SAHS to support, I would want every penny of my extra money to go towards those said kids' college funds in some type of investment. Bling can always be purchased after the kids have gone to college and graduated.. but you can't pay their tuitions with a 3 carat ring! Let's say you and SO already have 2 cars that are very dependable and "enough", and he goes out to buy a $30K+ sports car "for fun" to add to his collection of cars.. when you have a young family to save for. I would go batsh!t crazy on him, take the kids, and leave!


Honestly, in the outside-of-PS world, upgrades are looked at as an unnecessary extravagance, and gives off the feeling that the woman is ungrateful for her first ring. I am part of a non-jewelry related forum that has thousands of members, and one girl brought the subject up of upgrading in a thread. She had gotten flamed to the ground for being ungrateful and materialistic. Many members chimed in saying that they would wear the crappiest, ugliest rings for life because it's what is represented as their engagement ring. Any other rings wouldn't be a "real" engagement ring, but just another reason to hide the real one.

So if she doesn't work her DH gets to decide how to spend the money and if she does work he still should decide how to spend the money? IMO both partners should work out together how the money is spent, regardless of who earns it.

I'd also think about throwing stones about large upgrades. Just because you are financially set to afford a 3 carat when you get engaged does not mean everyone else is in the same situation. And waiting on that upgrade for many is a very responsible thing to do and often a JOINT decision. Not merely a reflection on the woman's materialistic wants.


Please read my updated post. And don't make assumptions about my finances, thanks.

Not sure where I made assumptions about your finances. It's all over PS that you're getting engaged and bought a very large ring. I'm just saying that not everyone is that fortunate and for many an upgrade is made with years of planning. That's all.
 

armywife13

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

madelise|1345743052|3256003 said:
Household = my huge huge weakness, so I actually now down to your (and ArmyWife's!) capabilities.
No need to bow down, Madelise....just post lots of pics of your honker when you get it, so that I can be distracted from the cleaning I don't want to do! :lol:
 

Dancing Fire

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

ladies...i feel sorry for your husbands.. . :bigsmile: the most fearful words coming out of the wife's mouth..."honey i wanna upgrade my Ering"... :-o
 

MyDiamondSparkles

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

I'll jump into the how I got my husband to go for a 4.46 carat diamond! :D

A few things happened: We hit the lottery (BIG!--well sort of big!), a rich relative died and left us millions and we're accustomed to making large luxury purchases, so this was no big deal. HA! :naughty:

Here's the story: After a few months of searching for a needle in a haystack (read that as a BIG 'ol diamond for a cheap price on EBay....lol) I found a a BIGGER ol' diamond I liked with a not so cheap price online. I showed it to my husband (he liked it), then I looked at it non stop while I got it *right* in my mind that it was okay to spend a large-ish sum of money on something I really didn't need (mostly because I was really tired of trolling EBay for hours on end). Every evening I would sit on the sofa and look at that BIGGER ol' diamond online. Then one day I held my hand up in the air and just looked at my hand like I had that BIGGER ol' diamond on my ring finger--you know like :love: big eyed and glowy. :love: And my husband saw that and said "Do you really want that diamond?" and I said "You know, I think I do!" and he said "Then I think you should go ahead and get it". And so I did and they delivered it right to my door on my birthday. :appl:
 

Enerchi

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Oh, MyDiamondSparkles- I love that story!!! Give your DH a big ole hug from me - what a sweet thing to say to you!! :praise: How romantic of him!
 

Skippy123

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

I think I understand what Madelise is saying; I use to work and it was waaaay easier to buy luxury goods. Now not working outside the home I am glad we decide large purchases together. I think the important part is deciding where the money goes, together. I remember reading lots of couples talked about big purchases and then went from there. I would be upset if my husband went out and bought a $20k watch without talking it over since our boys need some money saved for higher education.
 

armywife13

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Skippy|1345769379|3256279 said:
I think I understand what Madelise is saying; I use to work and it was waaaay easier to buy luxury goods. Now not working outside the home I am glad we decide large purchases together. I think the important part is deciding where the money goes, together. I remember reading lots of couples talked about big purchases and then went from there. I would be upset if my husband went out and bought a $20k watch without talking it over since our boys need some money saved for higher education.

Not that this is about what I wrote, but my post was talking about the idea of having to justify a purchase or beg permission because I am a SAHM, even if we have the money available. I don't think that a spouse should have to do that just because they are the spouse staying home with children, but I do understand and agree with what Madelise and you are saying. It does need to be a joint decision, especially when our choice to have a stay at home parent has made the budget tighter. There are many things that rank above bling, including savings, investments and education funds for children. But as long as the appropriate amount money is still being designated to those areas, I don't see thr issue with DH or myself spending the money off luxuries we enjoy.
 

Laila619

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Circe|1345735235|3255924 said:
As for HOW? Well ... for starters, I never really thought of it as a thing to talk him into, you know? Why should I have to talk my husband into making me happy? That's ... his job, like my job is making him happy.

Of course a husband should try to make his wife happy (and vice versa). But that doesn't necessarily mean a 3+ carat diamond is the only way. With one income, a mortgage, and two small kids, maybe a big upgrade just isn't practical at this time.
 

Circe

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Laila619|1345772170|3256307 said:
Circe|1345735235|3255924 said:
As for HOW? Well ... for starters, I never really thought of it as a thing to talk him into, you know? Why should I have to talk my husband into making me happy? That's ... his job, like my job is making him happy.

Of course a husband should try to make his wife happy (and vice versa). But that doesn't necessarily mean a 3+ carat diamond is the only way. With one income, a mortgage, and two small kids, maybe a big upgrade just isn't practical at this time.

Nor do I have a 3+ carat ring. Rest of the post gives context - adjust as necessary.
 

Laila619

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Circe|1345772454|3256308 said:
Laila619|1345772170|3256307 said:
Circe|1345735235|3255924 said:
As for HOW? Well ... for starters, I never really thought of it as a thing to talk him into, you know? Why should I have to talk my husband into making me happy? That's ... his job, like my job is making him happy.

Of course a husband should try to make his wife happy (and vice versa). But that doesn't necessarily mean a 3+ carat diamond is the only way. With one income, a mortgage, and two small kids, maybe a big upgrade just isn't practical at this time.

Nor do I have a 3+ carat ring. Rest of the post gives context - adjust as necessary.

I was referring to the OP's husband--it sounds like he just doesn't think they can afford it at this time, what with two young kids, a mortgage, etc. I do understand his POV--I think it's best when both parties agree to big purchases.
 

Circe

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Laila619|1345772901|3256312 said:
Circe|1345772454|3256308 said:
Laila619|1345772170|3256307 said:
Circe|1345735235|3255924 said:
As for HOW? Well ... for starters, I never really thought of it as a thing to talk him into, you know? Why should I have to talk my husband into making me happy? That's ... his job, like my job is making him happy.

Of course a husband should try to make his wife happy (and vice versa). But that doesn't necessarily mean a 3+ carat diamond is the only way. With one income, a mortgage, and two small kids, maybe a big upgrade just isn't practical at this time.

Nor do I have a 3+ carat ring. Rest of the post gives context - adjust as necessary.

I was referring to the OP's husband--it sounds like he just doesn't think they can afford it at this time, what with two young kids, a mortgage, etc. I do understand his POV.

Yeah, but the thing is - I don't get the feeling she's expecting him to shell out ASAP. She mentions making small purchases, and planning to save, and his STILL disapproving. And there, I can read it one of two ways - either, a) he figures he's putting his all into supporting them, she should, too: nobody gets to have any fun until college, retirement, and headstones are paid for. Or, b) frivolous girl things are icky.

If it's a, well, I don't think I could live that way ... but I can respect it. If it's b, I think a talk might be in order.
 

rosetta

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Circe|1345773140|3256315 said:
Laila619|1345772901|3256312 said:
Circe|1345772454|3256308 said:
Laila619|1345772170|3256307 said:
Circe|1345735235|3255924 said:
As for HOW? Well ... for starters, I never really thought of it as a thing to talk him into, you know? Why should I have to talk my husband into making me happy? That's ... his job, like my job is making him happy.

Of course a husband should try to make his wife happy (and vice versa). But that doesn't necessarily mean a 3+ carat diamond is the only way. With one income, a mortgage, and two small kids, maybe a big upgrade just isn't practical at this time.

Nor do I have a 3+ carat ring. Rest of the post gives context - adjust as necessary.

I was referring to the OP's husband--it sounds like he just doesn't think they can afford it at this time, what with two young kids, a mortgage, etc. I do understand his POV.

Yeah, but the thing is - I don't get the feeling she's expecting him to shell out ASAP. She mentions making small purchases, and planning to save, and his STILL disapproving. And there, I can read it one of two ways - either, a) he figures he's putting his all into supporting them, she should, too: nobody gets to have any fun until college, retirement, and headstones are paid for. Or, b) frivolous girl things are icky.

If it's a, well, I don't think I could live that way ... but I can respect it. If it's b, I think a talk might be in order.

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and go with "a" which seems an entirely sensible approach. Whether the OP brings home paycheck or not is irrelevant to me. Whether they can afford 30k on a single income, mortgage and kids is another matter entirely. Unfortunately we have no idea what her finances are like. Her husband may have a very large salary where 30k is no problem. Or they may have very little savings where banking that 30k is way more savvy. My feelings on the matter depend very much on the scenario and his REASONS for objecting.
 

Dreamer_D

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

OP your finances are none of my beezwax so feel free to keep it all to your self, but we will still all debate this! haha


Rosetta et al. I get the finances thing. Sure, be responsible. But the OPs husband also disapproved of her two recent small diamond purchases, bought with her own mad money savings. Surely THAT type of opinion or disapproval suggests it might not all be just about frugality?
 

grapegravity

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Dancing Fire|1345763731|3256220 said:
ladies...i feel sorry for your husbands.. . :bigsmile: the most fearful words coming out of the wife's mouth..."honey i wanna upgrade my Ering"... :-o

Here's what I said to my hubby for my last upgrade:

Me: "you know, we have been together for 15 years and my ring size actually grown from 5.5 to 7"
Hubby: " I do noticed the diamond does look smaller than before, let me know if you see a good deal on upgrades"

Voila, a few weeks after, I found my most current ering 3 hours away from where I live and we drove up there together to view and decide to upgrade (he was even more anxious than me that he even got a speeding ticket!)
 

Dancing Fire

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Skippy|1345769379|3256279 said:
I think I understand what Madelise is saying; I use to work and it was waaaay easier to buy luxury goods. Now not working outside the home I am glad we decide large purchases together. I think the important part is deciding where the money goes, together. I remember reading lots of couples talked about big purchases and then went from there. I would be upset if my husband went out and bought a $20k watch without talking it over since our boys need some money saved for higher education.
of course you don't tell your wife she might say "no"... :nono: ... ;( ;(
 

rosetta

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Dreamer_D|1345776741|3256340 said:
OP your finances are none of my beezwax so feel free to keep it all to your self, but we will still all debate this! haha
di

Rosetta et al. I get the finances thing. Sure, be responsible. But the OPs husband also disapproved of her two recent small diamond purchases, bought with her own mad money savings. Surely THAT type of opinion or disapproval suggests it might not all be just about frugality?

Maybe not! Trouble is, it's very hard to convince diamond non-lovers about the joys of very small sparkly pieces of carbon which don't do anything useful. If he begrudged the small amount spent, a great big rock doesn't sound like it's even worth the fight. I personally would lose half the delight of my diamonds if my husband resented the money spent on them. Does anyone else feel similar?

Is it possible to truly convince a person who thinks diamonds are a complete waste of money that they aren't? Hmmmm. I don't know.
 

Circe

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

rosetta|1345795873|3256378 said:
Dreamer_D|1345776741|3256340 said:
OP your finances are none of my beezwax so feel free to keep it all to your self, but we will still all debate this! haha
di

Rosetta et al. I get the finances thing. Sure, be responsible. But the OPs husband also disapproved of her two recent small diamond purchases, bought with her own mad money savings. Surely THAT type of opinion or disapproval suggests it might not all be just about frugality?

Maybe not! Trouble is, it's very hard to convince diamond non-lovers about the joys of very small sparkly pieces of carbon which don't do anything useful. If he begrudged the small amount spent, a great big rock doesn't sound like it's even worth the fight. I personally would lose half the delight of my diamonds if my husband resented the money spent on them. Does anyone else feel similar?

Is it possible to truly convince a person who thinks diamonds are a complete waste of money that they aren't? Hmmmm. I don't know.

By that principle, I wouldn't have curtains. My husband thinks they're a complete waste of money. The trick was to make him see that I didn't, and that making me happy was worth every penny.

I sort of feel like getting the husband to see that this is a "thing" of the OPs, even if she takes twenty years to get to the rock of her dreams, is the important part. Having somebody close to you imply that your hobby/interest/whatever is worthless for years on end sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, relationship-wise.
 

Skippy123

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

Dancing Fire|1345790031|3256373 said:
Skippy|1345769379|3256279 said:
I think I understand what Madelise is saying; I use to work and it was waaaay easier to buy luxury goods. Now not working outside the home I am glad we decide large purchases together. I think the important part is deciding where the money goes, together. I remember reading lots of couples talked about big purchases and then went from there. I would be upset if my husband went out and bought a $20k watch without talking it over since our boys need some money saved for higher education.
of course you don't tell your wife she might say "no"... :nono: ... ;( ;(

haha you are too funny DF!!!



oh and I say do whatever each couple feels works for them! I just remember reading a thread where people were saying often times the couples talk over big purchases and that was the majority (working or not), I guess I am saying, I get diamonds are not a necessary but a luxury. Heck I am not working and I got an OEC but we were both on board with the idea. To the OP, you just have to plant the seed and say, hey, maybe down the road like you were saying, I would like X diamond, maybe even go look at them for fun? maybe he will see this makes you happy. Oh and PS'ers are NOT the norm out there, or not usually the norm. hehe
 

Enerchi

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

[quote="Skippy|1345814138|3256446
oh and I say do whatever each couple feels works for them! I just remember reading a thread where people were saying often times the couples talk over big purchases and that was the majority (working or not), I guess I am saying, I get diamonds are not a necessary but a luxury. Heck I am not working and I got an OEC but we were both on board with the idea. To the OP, you just have to plant the seed and say, hey, maybe down the road like you were saying, I would like X diamond, maybe even go look at them for fun? maybe he will see this makes you happy. Oh and PS'ers are NOT the norm out there, or not usually the norm. hehe[/quote]

I think this is the recommendation I would follow if I were hoping to purchase something very large down the line. Somewhere on PS we've all heard..."people vary" ;)) and I think that is so true - couples/marriages vary, too. Starting to share now for an item into the future, is good communication.
 

NovemberBride

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Re: Ladies who recently got their 3ct+ babies....please chim

I am surprised by the notion in 2012 that women should give up on something they really want if their DH "puts their foot down". My DH does not "put his foot down" about anything with regards to me, since he is my partner and equal and not my parent. Putting our foot down is reserved for our toddler.

We are both fiscally responsible people and if he felt that we could not afford a luxury I wanted at a certain time we would discuss it and I would not go through with a purchase as large as a 3 carat diamond without his agreement, but it would be a discussion, not his laying down the law. I do work outside the home, but would expect that the same would be true whether or not that was the case. I also think it's silly to say you that if your husband doesn't "get" spending a lot of money on jewelry and diamonds then its so sad, too bad for you. My husband doesn't "get" it at all and probably never will, the same way I don't "get" specding what I consider to be large sums of money on fantasy sports leagues. But what we both get is that these respectively are things that bring the other party pleasure and so long as they are within our means to afford, we are happy to spend the money to make each other happy.
 
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