kinda depressed about dh''s attitude re: e-ring

[blodthecat]

When you are not earning an income, it is very hard trying to justify buying a non-essential item for yourself.

BUT...stay at home moms work soooooo hard. The hours are long, there is no salary and there is very little time off. I can''t think of a better way of repaying you for your love and comittment to the family than a beautiful diamond ring.

Like the others have said...don''t give up on your dream. A diamond lasts longer than a holiday or a car.....A diamond is forever!

Like Lorelei said....plant the seed and water regularly

BTW...you deserve it!

 

[mrssalvo]

hi marta. I can understand how it''s hard for men to want to spend a lot of money on and e-ring especially once kids come along. there are just so many other priorities in life. I do think that timing is everything. When my best college friend got married, her mom told her one piece of advice. it was "never ask for something you know you can''t afford." it just makes the man angry/sad/disappointed, whatever because he can''t get it for you. your hubby just bought you a nice 5 stone. i''m sure in his book, that took the place of an e-ring and he''d like to think he''s done. I agree with waiting a little while to bring it up again and maybe wait until you all are better off financially so he''s not feeling the pressure. You can also set aside a little savings for yourself. If he''s not going to do it, nothing wrong with using your "fun" money towards whatever you want either.

 

[bstraszheim]

One thing I didn''t think of before, I know you are upset about not having an engagement ring, but I think he did pull out all the stops on the 5 stone anniversary ring. He did choose to buy through Whiteflash, so you know those stones are little sparklers! He could just have easily, in fact, probably more easily, just walked into Zales/ Kaye''s and picked one from the display. They would have been diamonds, but kind of blah diamonds. I think let it go for a while and appreciate the 5 stone ring. It must be beautiful and was given in love, it also may be far more practical with small children around than a solitaire would.

I certainly hope that you get your diamond solitaire, but enjoy the 5 stone now!

I wish you well,

Bridget

 

[dbgaap]

You know, I think A LOT of women probably find themselves in this situation and simply live with it.

They get convinced that it really is a bunch of marketing hype from DeBeers and they should just "forget about it".
If their man feels that way, it can be hard to argue past his perspective.

And since the tradition is for the man to surprise the woman with a proposal and a ring, he is really in control.
Which annoys the heck out of me.

My first husband was not at all interested in upgrading from my .33 carat e-ring and he was resistant when we had more money and we could easily afford more. It made me feel very bad about myself that I even asked for something nicer.

Many, many years later, we had been divorced for quite a while and he was now remarried to someone I had known since college. Both of them came to my daughter''s HS graduation party.
I was wearing my new engagement ring and I got lotsa compliments from his wife, who never got any e-ring at all.
When she & I were alone, she told me she really sorta wished for a nice diamond ring.
And, [the devil made me do it]

I said "You SHOULD have a nice diamond ring! Don''t wait for him to give it to you- he doesn''t get it! Get your own ring!!" I proceeded to verbally whip her into a diamond-lovin'' frenzy!
(I am lucky we now get along well....)

By the end of the summer, we were taking daughter off to start college and it was DONE.
My first husband''s second wife was wearing a nice honkin'' 3-stone ring (maybe 3 carats total weight).
I just looked at my ex-husband and said, "Nice ring!" and he gave me a grim little smile, "thanks".

 

[Mara]

lol dg, you devil, that is the best story!!! mwhahaa.

marta i don''t have too much advice other than to me there are priorities in the marriage, and when you have kids it''s a little muddier, as it''s easy to think well if i do this for myself, i take from the kids or the family in some way and i could see how that could contribute to feeling a little guilty about doing nice things for yourself. but as the family caretaker you do deserve good things too, things that make you happy...your needs or wants should not just get lost in the shuffle.

DH was very sweet to get you the latest ring..and i do think you should enjoy that for a while...maybe he will soften up on the solitaire thing soon. the fact that he got you this other ring is definitely a good sign IMO, it shows he does recognize you love the sparklies and he is trying....and maybe a little more time will go a long way. greg likes to see how happy these kinds of things make me...validation on the money spent i guess? anyway good luck and hang in there!!!

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Marta .. I also think you should take & post a bunch of pix of your new sparkly! A solo diamond wedding band is one of my fave looks - so clean & elegant & blingy!

Sometimes seeing things through other people''s eyes helps me get a new perspective. We. Want. The. Bling Pix.

 

[Mara]

oh the other thing after reading deco''s post...my mom''s wedding ring is just a 5 stone band, she doesn''t wear an e-ring...she never really had one. but she''s not a big diamond gal...anyway she gets TONS of compliments on her solo 5 stone, it''s about 1ctw so nothing huge or anything, but it sparkles like the dickens (when she cleans it) and she has tiny hands. so these types of rings IMO can definitely stand on their own!! very classic kind of look.

 

[ladykemma]

a friend got a 4 paper sacks of abandoned tomatoes dropped on her doorstep so I going to go help can, but two cents:

this is about settling, and settling again, and loss of trust, and control. she is not getting her needs met. he has her believing that she is selfish, materialistic, and ungrateful.

I sense there is not much "joy" in the 5 stone band because she had to twist his arm to get it. and she got it after the fact. It's tainted.

i personally would trade it in to whiteflash for an upgradable solitaire, finances permitting. and simply notify him after the fact.

This non permission seeking woman is choosing to go make pickles and preserves now. See my therapy shining through? ha ha.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

I agree with what most everyone has said Marta. It sounds like your hubby finally gave in and gave you that 5-stone. (Sounds gorgeous by the way...please show us pictures!) Anyway, in his mind I think he "fixed it." And no matter what happens, no matter what the issue is, if a guy tries to fix it it should be fixed. End of story. We don''t know him, but it sounds like he got you the 5 stone ring, so it should be done and over with.

I don''t think that''s right, but let''s face it ladies, that''s how men operate. Codex even attested to it. It''s sad to me that your hubby doesn''t see how this is so important to you. I''m also sad to hear that you''re made to feel selfish and materialistic by wanting something you''ve been told you''d have. Deco said she''d be tempted to say how sad you were that dh wasn''t serious about ever buying you a diamond ering. But again, I really think he might not understand since you just purchased the 1.25 5-stone. Again, it sounds absolutely gorgeous! My mom got one for her 10th anniversary, 5 10 point rb''s and it''s gorgeous.

I''m sorry if I''m not being helpful, but this came to mind. Just because you''re a stay at home mom doesn''t mean you don''t deserve nice things. I''ll bet you work harder than your hubby raising those children and keeping the house in order. This has to do with teaching, but I have a little quote:

"If I had my way, I''d pay these teachers myself -- I''d pay them babysitting wages. That''s right -- instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I''d give them $3.00 an hour out of my own pocket. And I''m only going to pay them for 5 hours, not coffee breaks. That would be $15.00 a day -- each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to babysit a child. Even if you have more than one child, it''s still a lot cheaper than private day care. Now, how many children do they teach every day - maybe twenty? That''s $15.00 X 20 = $300 a day. But remember they only work 180 days a year! I''m not going to pay them for all those vacations! That''s $300 X 180 =$54,000. Just a minute -- that can''t be right; let me check my calculator."

So, $54,000 for 5 hours a day, 9 months a year. Add in 24/7 child care and you''re worth way more than that girl. Do whatever you have to...spare change, ring fund, deposits instead of presents, but you deserve that ring and you should have it.

 

[codex57]

Ahh, gotcha Marta. Yeah, like IrishAngel said, we''ve run into a Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus moment. He likely thinks he fixed it and that there are plenty of more important things to get for the family other than jewelery. However, your distress is totally understandable. He just doesn''t "get" the point. He''s not that romantic so he''s either not going to get the nuances btw you nagging him into getting you a nice ring vs the e-ring itself or his practical side just overwhelmed any chance for the romantic to win out (it''s a guy thing). Unfortunately, I''m thinking it''s gonna be quite a while before you get that e-ring so it''s better to vent and plot here. Romance can be hard for many guys. It''s hard for me. I''ve gotten better at figuring out what and when to do things, but I still have an INCREDIBLY hard time getting it to work when the actual time comes. That practical side of our brains really screws with our romantic side. The must fix problem gene also messes with things. Just come back here to vent and get sympathy.

I come here to help me better understand how women think so I get in less trouble at home.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Date: 6/29/2006 1:07:43 PM
Author: ladykemma
i personally would trade it in to whiteflash for an upgradable solitaire, finances permitting. and simply notify him after the fact.

Oh Lady K... based on what we''ve read so far I fear that might result in a whole new form to be titled "Ladies in Waiting--For The Divorce To Be Finalized" once Marta''s husband does find out...

 

[pinkflamingo]

i am confused here. on a one income family with kid(s?) she asked for a 5 diamond $3500 ring. 6 months later, i think it is ridiculous to be asking for more than that. Not that I think that you don't have the right to desire more or have sentiments for another ring- but i think asking your hubby to go and work harder for a $5K or more bauble is ludicrous.

Stay at home moms do work very hard, but between budgets and future college and random kid/family costs, I don't see that this is a huge marital problem. if he hadn't just shelled out $3500 for a beautiful whiteflash 5 diamond band (and the nicest one they offer!) i could maybe see your point.

just stay patient, and perhaps get a small diamond someday with a halo or sidestones so it is more flattering on your hand. demanding a large diamond when you have kids and are living on one salary is teensy bit selfish, imho. especially if your DH just got a lovely 5 stone band that you picked out yourself earlier this year.


ETA: My DH promised me a 10K ring when we were engaged. then we thought it would be silly to take loans out for that, so i just got a plain wedding band and a promise. 2 years later, I settled for a $4500 ring. i am working on an upgrade in a few years. originally, he said no upgrade. but, slowly i have worked him up to considering an upgrade. it takes time and patience!!

 

[laila]

Just have a quick sec, but wanted to reply to clear up a few things

pinkflamingo~ sounds like maybe you didn''t read all of my posts, which is understandable as some were very wordy. I was in NO WAY asking for a new ring now! Not at all! My DH brought the topic up (in the context of another topic) and I clearly made it known to him that I love my 5 stone and know that a new e-ring is way down the road. (and btw, the 5 stone was about $2750 I think). My sadness was because he had once agreed to an e-ring when we could afford it, but seemed to have changed his tune the other night. I''m sorry for any confusion.

This is going exactly where I had feared - that I would come off selfish and ungrateful. That is not what I wanted and is why I regretted posting the original post after the fact (even though everyone has been so supportive ~ I just cringe at the thought that I could come off that way).

Thank you everyone for all of the support and posts. I appreciate it greatly, but really don''t mind if this thread dies

. I am truly fine with everything now and have realized that I will just buy a more "engagement" type ring eventually with my own money when i am back at work.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Date: 6/29/2006 3:49:31 PM
Author: marta ana
Just have a quick sec, but wanted to reply to clear up a few things

pinkflamingo~ sounds like maybe you didn''t read all of my posts, which is understandable as some were very wordy. I was in NO WAY asking for a new ring now! Not at all! My DH brought the topic up (in the context of another topic) and I clearly made it known to him that I love my 5 stone and know that a new e-ring is way down the road. (and btw, the 5 stone was about $2750 I think). My sadness was because he had once agreed to an e-ring when we could afford it, but seemed to have changed his tune the other night. I''m sorry for any confusion.

This is going exactly where I had feared - that I would come off selfish and ungrateful. That is not what I wanted and is why I regretted posting the original post after the fact (even though everyone has been so supportive ~ I just cringe at the thought that I could come off that way).

Thank you everyone for all of the support and posts. I appreciate it greatly, but really don''t mind if this thread dies

. I am truly fine with everything now and have realized that I will just buy a more ''engagement'' type ring eventually with my own money when i am back at work.

I am really sorry it went in the direction that you didn''t want it to go. I truly am on your side here. For me, it really bugs me that he has thrown the price of the five stone up in your face. YOu don''t seem demanding at all. In fact, quite the opposite to me. You seem like you are very accommodating. But I already said what I thought in a previous post.

I really like Lady K''s sentiments, although I doubt you would much enjoy it at all if it weren''t a joint decision. Please, please don''t go away. Just because a few people disagree with you, it doesn''t mean we all do.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Date: 6/29/2006 12:20:27 PM
Author: dbgaap
You know, I think A LOT of women probably find themselves in this situation and simply live with it.

They get convinced that it really is a bunch of marketing hype from DeBeers and they should just ''forget about it''.
If their man feels that way, it can be hard to argue past his perspective.

And since the tradition is for the man to surprise the woman with a proposal and a ring, he is really in control.
Which annoys the heck out of me.

My first husband was not at all interested in upgrading from my .33 carat e-ring and he was resistant when we had more money and we could easily afford more. It made me feel very bad about myself that I even asked for something nicer.

Many, many years later, we had been divorced for quite a while and he was now remarried to someone I had known since college. Both of them came to my daughter''s HS graduation party.
I was wearing my new engagement ring and I got lotsa compliments from his wife, who never got any e-ring at all.
When she & I were alone, she told me she really sorta wished for a nice diamond ring.
And, [the devil made me do it]

I said ''You SHOULD have a nice diamond ring! Don''t wait for him to give it to you- he doesn''t get it! Get your own ring!!'' I proceeded to verbally whip her into a diamond-lovin'' frenzy!
(I am lucky we now get along well....)

By the end of the summer, we were taking daughter off to start college and it was DONE.
My first husband''s second wife was wearing a nice honkin'' 3-stone ring (maybe 3 carats total weight).
I just looked at my ex-husband and said, ''Nice ring!'' and he gave me a grim little smile, ''thanks''.

This story cracked me up. You are my hero. (Probably wife #2''s hero too).

 

[dbgaap]

Date: 6/29/2006 3:49:31 PM
Author: marta ana
Just have a quick sec, but wanted to reply to clear up a few things

Thank you everyone for all of the support and posts. I appreciate it greatly, but really don''t mind if this thread dies

. I am truly fine with everything now and have realized that I will just buy a more ''engagement'' type ring eventually with my own money when i am back at work.

OKay, MArta Ana, we can let the thread die, but only after you put a smile back on your face!

We''re all on your side, honey!
Just ignore it if any of the posts come across as harsh, OK?
I really think all of us feel your pain and we are throwing some hugs at ya.

Remember....

 

[mrssalvo]

hey marta..most of us understand where you are coming from. I didn''t think you were/are being selfish at all and I also understood you weren''t asking for hubby for anything *right now* you just wanted him to be open to it in the future. I''m sorry if my earlier post came across differently

.

 

[pinkflamingo]

I''m sorry too. I didnt mean to come across as harsh. I really do understand- but I do think you should get a little solitaire and upgrade it every so often. good luck!

 

[ladykemma]

i tend to be blunt. especially when I sense things ain''t "quite right". but please stick around!

i am also very sensitive to perceived abuse and control issues.

 

[laila]

Awww thanks guys...I am definitely sticking around the forums as I have found most everyone here to be very kind and helpful. And there is a smile on my face dbgaap

~ loved your story about the first husband and his 2nd wife - lol. No worries to any of you about your posts~ yea, I was a bit hurt by pinkflamingo''s (and yea, I''m a sensitive person lol), but it''s a public forum and I know I opened myself up to differing opinions by posting. No hard feelings

!

 

[Kaleigh]

I hope you get a nice ering down the road. I don''t blame you for wanting one. And I never thought you came across as being selfish. I am glad you have a beautiful 5 stone band to wear now. Can we see a pic of it?? I''d love to see it.

 

[laila]

Thanks kaleigh...I have tried taking some pics of it, but none have turned out very well. I will try again this weekend and post them if they turn out

 

[Gypsy]

Okay... well. Here's my perpective... there are a lot of land mines here. But the one that I'm going to focus on is the five stone ring.

Here's my view of things. He had to be dragged kicking and screaming to buy it for you. I mean really, he's known you wanted diamonds for years, this isn't a surprise... and you'd been emailing the man pics of 5 stones for a while before CHRISTMAS you'd think he'd understand the rather broad hint, rather force you to say it point blank the on Christmas EVE. And THEN you had to litterally beg for it on top of it all.

Now after the fact, he's been complaining about it... reminding you of the price of it... putting a price tag on your joy.. and making you feel beholden.

No wonder your not satisfied with this five stone. You had to pay for it with your pride. And he's still not done making you pay for it if he's still complaining about it.

You don't want a diamond ring, honey. You want much more than that. And I don't know if he's ever going to be able to give it to you.

Sorry... but that's my honest perspective.