kinda depressed about dh''s attitude re: e-ring

[laila]

I hope I don''t sound like a baby or brat or something horrible, but I just needed to vent where I know there are people who understand! My DH pretty much made it clear last night that, while he would *like* for me to have the ring that I want, he can''t see spending a significant amount of money on something like jewelry, not now or ever. He thought it would be much more wise to spend it on a big family vacation, or something nice everyone could enjoy, etc. So of course, I felt like a completely selfish person for even thinking of having something worth thousands of dollars on my finger rather than spending money on the family. Uggghh...

Then he compared my desire for a new e-ring (which would be my first diamond e-ring from him BTW, after 6 years of marriage; this would be an upgrade from a cz, which was all we could afford when we got married) to his desire for an expensive sportscar that he will never get because it''s not practical or good for the family. I tried to explain that it was different, that this would be a gift that I would love forever and that would be extremely meaningful to me, but I don''t think I explained my feelings very well because he totally didn''t get it. I have not even been thinking that this upgrade would come anytime soon, as he did recently get me a beautiful anniversary band with real diamonds that I love. But I have been hoping that by slowly working on him, I could convince him someday, eventually, we could save and buy me a diamond e-ring

Now I wonder if I''m just deluding myself...

On a side note, I am a stay at home mom so have no personal earning power on my own right now. Maybe someday I could save up my own money, but who knows when that will be or how long it would take, and then will I just feel guilty for saving up for an extravagant purchase for myself?

The other sad part of this whole conversation was that my husband, who works extremely hard and is very responsible, then felt like I wanted him to work even more to make even more money to satisfy these diamond urges that I have. I felt awful then, as that''s the last thing I would want him to do. He doesn''t need anymore stress in his life.

I guess the bottom line is, my dh is endlessly practical, while a small part of me wishes that just occasionally he would spend on something that he thinks is frivioous (but obviously very meaningful to me). Needless to say, at the end of the conversation I felt like a completely materialistic, selfish, and ungrateful person, but also depressed that my wish for a beautiful diamond e-ring is probably at best, many many years away if I can eventually save up the money myself.

I know this is a pathetic post. Thanks for letting me vent and feel sorry for myself over jewelry. I know that there are far worse things in the world to be sad about, but I knew that many of you could understand where I''m coming from.

 

[FacetFire]

I don''t think you are being selfish at all. We all have a desire for our significant others to show their love in ways that aren''t always practical...be it a diamond ring, an embarassing song, or a surprise vacation. If you ask me, the reason is that, while they can always justify practical things in some other way than just an expression of their love, an impractical/impulsive/unnecessary gift can only really be justified by their love alone.

I remember that I used to date a guy who was very nice, considerate, and loving, but he used to always buy me practical gifts...a new camera, a pretty clock, etc. Not that the meaning wasn''t there behind those gifts, but I always longed for a piece of jewelry or flowers, or something that was JUST romantic.

You have been married for years without a diamond engagement ring, and I can definitely understand your desire to have one now that you are more financially secure than you used to be. Personally, I think a diamond ring CAN be enjoyed by both of you, just like a vacation. And, a vacation only lasts so long, while your ring would last forever. If nothing else, I know that as a woman, I partially long for a diamond engagement ring because of what they symbolize and that fact that I know it''ll be here long after I am not. It can be passed down to my children and they can remember me and the love of their parents. I''m not saying that anyone needs a diamond ring for these things to happen, but it can be a sentimental romantic symbol.

Hang in there. I''m sure it''ll come down the road. Sometimes men just have a harder time understanding what these things represent to us.

 

[mia15]

Hi Marta Ana,

I totally agree FacetFire that a diamond ring can be enjoyed by both of you! I really hope you can have a lovely ring soon, and in the meanwhile, won''t you share some of your favorite styles?

 

[laila]

FacetFire - thank you soo much for your kind words of encouragement. I agree totally with the longing for a gift that is purely romantic. The funny thing is, he truly thinks he IS romantic, but my goodness I don''t think that could be further from the truth. I love love love the idea of passing down a beautiful engagement ring to my daughter as a reminder of the love that her parents had for each other. I have always thought it was so neat when other families did that.

emeraldlover - thank you also for the validation and encouragement! As far as what styles I like, thank you for asking

I think looking at PS so much has made me a very fickle person! I have loved so many of the rings I have seen here that it''s hard to choose. But some of the styles that I have really loved on here include: Demelza''s SuperbCert tiffany replica, Matatora''s Lockes solitaire, Pokey''s beautiful tsavorite Leon, Lynn B''s new fishtail pave with the gorgeous new head...hmmmm...that''s just a start!!! I seem to be drawn towards classic solitaires, but then find myself loving rings with additional gorgeous details i.e. the surprise diamonds in matatora''s setting, the unique head on Lynn B''s ring, etc. I also just fell in love the green stone that Pokey got and have started to think maybe going the color route would be something to ponder...I never realized just how gorgeous those stones could be!

Anyways, thanks again to both of you for the support and encouragement! I do appreciate it!

 

[bookworm21]

I don''t think you''re being selfish or pathetic. You''re in a difficult position right now, esp. with your husband earning the income for the entire household, I''m going to assume that you feel you have no say in the major decisions. (Feel free to correct me if I''m wrong, but that''s a situation I see time and again.)

Your desire for an ering is completely understandable, esp. since it appears that the ring would mean so much to you. I don''t know how many times you''ve tried talking to him about it, but I would definitely take one night (or day) sit him down, and explain to him thoroughly your thoughts and feelings regarding the ering. Write it down ahead of time if it helps. Many people, myself included, tend to forget points that they want to make when in the midst of a conversation.

What''s important is that you''re able to communicate your feelings to him, that''s what a relationship is about, esp. a marriage.

I also completely understand what you''re saying about the practical husband thing. My bf is the same exact way, so he wants to put off engagement and marriage until we are completely financially stable. But the main thing is that we''ve talked about it, and he understands my point of view and knows that this has to happen in the next year or so, although he doesn''t understand why us women want a several thousand dollar rock that will just sit on our finger. Just explain the sentiment and tradition associated with that rock, clearly, and perhaps he will finally understand.

I hope this helps, and please let us know what happens.

 

[kcoursolle]

I don''t think you are being selfish as long as you are not spending being your means and going into debt to buy a diamond ring. Men and women have different tastes and values when it comes to the things we buy and cherish. Luckily, my fiance has a thing for electronics...which I can easily compare to the frivilous nature of jewelry and he also sees it this way. We didn''t go into debt or out of our means to purchase my ring, but it was definitely a stretch for him to buy anything as "useless" as jewelry.

Although it may not be entirely possible, I would try to patiently and calmly talk with him again and let him know how important it is to you. Tell him that it is much more than jewlery to you and that it means a lot to you. Does he buy anything that is likewise as useless as jewelry that he loves and cherishes? If so, you don''t have to shove it in his face, but you could gently compare it to him. If this doesn''t work, you could potentially pick up a small part time job and pay for it yourself or try to convince him in the bedroom...LOL, I''m kidding on that last one

 

[Lorelei]

Oh Marta

Of course we understand how you are feeling. I think the key for you is time, honestly. I can see how he would liken it to his sports car, but a diamond e-ring is something that is so important for us women, not only it's beauty but the symbolism attached. Don't despair, a lot of this is timing. You have planted the seed, now let it grow. When you feel he is in a good mood, have another talk with him in the future and explain that this is really important to you as many women have a diamond engagement ring - indeed expect one - and although you aren't expecting one it has been a dream for many years and something that matters dearly to you and always will. Then say to him that you are prepared to wait but don't want to lose your dream - and throw some prices out if you feel he won't pass out!

Then leave it for a while, but bring the subject up now and then just to add a few drops of water to the plant so to speak! Men sometimes need time to adjust to the idea of spending money on a sparkly piece of carbon! You could also explain how with the ring it represents the two of you and the happiness you share and it isn't just jewellery - but much more.

Don't feel guilty, we work hard in life and sometimes it is so hard and there is nothing wrong in having desires for things that are good for YOU and not just the family! I really hope he is amenable to the idea sometime and often we women need a campaign if we want to get our way, like a military manoever! I am terrible

but I will be sending out strong diamond vibes to you!

Best of luck and YOU ARE NOT SELFISH!!!!

 

[ladykemma]

in february 2006 you just got a 1.25 ctw platinum wedding band ACA from whiteflash. this is a sizeable ring. 5 25 pointers in a row, must be gorgeous.

timing is everything and in my opinion, too soon to ask for another ring.

My marriage got very interesting when I stopped asking permission. how about you?

 

[pinkflamingo]

hey there-

I can see where he is coming from. i made a deal with my hubby that he gets to spend X amount on car for every X amount I get to spend on jewelry. it is the only analogy his man-brain can grasp. he wants an 84 corvette next so i think maybe an upgrade is on the horizon!!

I also got married without an ering and it was a battle to get one- because we really didnt have a lot of money, and we were both working at the time.

Are you planning to go back to work someday? maybe you can save up for one then. i understand your feelings of guilt, and I feel for you.

maybe you could start out with a small solitaire, under 2K from WF. then you can upgrade slowly.

good luck!

 

[dbgaap]

I am at work and I don''t have mush time to reply, but I do want to lend a little support.
The other posters expressed the same reaction I have.

Is IS Ok to want something beautiful and sentimental and in line with the customs we follow in our culture.
Because it is important to you, it''s worth pursuing.
Even if it takes a while I feel sure you can continue your conversations with him and keep sprinkling drops of water on the little seed you planted.

And, if at all possible, take a very detached approach when it comes to your emotional reaction - please don''t let this make you feel like you are a selfish, materialistic person.
You are taking care of the home and family and that is a huge contribution to make- to your family and to our society.
Pat yourself on th back for allyou do and keep this goal as your own personal mission!

Give it time and keep loving him for all the good he does.
I really think it will evolve in your favor.

Hang in there!
and enjoy the lovely new ring!

 

[Catmom]

dbgaap, you stated it perfectly!

Marta,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a new ring. Don''t ever feel bad about it. You really haven''t been married that long [speaking from an oldie that''s going on 26 years]. You have a young family with many family responsibilities right now. If you can, be a little patient. My husband used to feel the same way.........what logical use is there for jewelry? But over the years he came to understand that jewelry is my passion just as electronics is his. I didn''t recieve my upgrade until our 15th anniversary but it was at his suggestion and you know what, that seemed to open the floodgates. By that time we were financially secure and buying things like diamonds was more feasable.

If you truly want a ring then maybe you could start a diamond ring fund. Make sure he knows that you are putting any saved money to it. If he is the type to give you presents for your birthday, Mother''s Day, or if you celebrate Christmas then ask that he donate what he would have spent to your ring fund. Pretty soon the fund will grow and your husband will see just how important this new ring is to you. He may even become excited over the fact and start contributing some on his own. Just a suggestion...........

 

[bstraszheim]

Marta,

I was going to suggest that you go with a .25 or a .33 ct diamond, ideal cut from a vendor with an upgrade policy. That way, you can have a beautiful stone, that is a diamond and upgrade whenever you have the cash, you can do it in small increments and eventually have a lovely stone in the size that you want. WF has stones in the .30 range that start at $475 and I think a solitaire setting in WG is about $200.

I also think the suggestion of a diamond fund is fantastic. I am not sure how you guys do your finances, we have joint account and our salaries go in one account and everything is paid for out of that account. If something is a "need" (groceries, car maint, a certain amount of clothing - you get the idea), it comes out of there too, but if something is a "want" (jewels, books, cd''s), we have a set amount of money, $120 each a month is what we have decided and we can spend this however we want and the other cannot say anything about it. If I want to spend my $120 to get a latte every morning, my choice!(I don''t, but I *could*) Perhaps you can talk to your husband about having personal money - especially since you don''t have an income and if you were to work, he would spend way more than that on child care!

I hope you get your diamond!

I wish you well,

Bridget

 

[Allisonfaye]

Well, you have to get over the idea that you are selfish and materialistic. Quite the contrary. That was big of you to settle for CZ for the cause when you first married.

It is perfectly normal to want what 85% (pulling this stat from the air) of all other women get. It would be like saying having a wedding is selfish and materialistic. What practical value is that?

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that your man is not an upgrade kind of guy. I say you have to get what you want the first time around.

I think it will take some work and some time so you should be patient. Try not to let his lack of romanticism be a personal thing. I can understand why you would take it that why. My DH isn''t known for his romance skills either but if I nag him(lots of fun

, he might get me flowers once in a blue moon. I always get them for V-day but I keep trying to get some surprise.

I would point out styles I like to him. If you are passing by a jewelry store, go in ''just to look around''. When he is in a good mood, push a little more and a little more. Don''t try to sit him down and give him a speech and get a ''yes'' out of him. Even make a joke out of it if he would take it well. ("...so and so got a rock....I wish I had one")

I think saving money from the household fund ($20 here or there is a good idea).

My sister never got an ering. Her husband is just like yours. Luckily, she is a latent hippie and didn''t really care. Although on some level, I think she would have liked one but maybe was embarrassed to admit it.

Eventually, if you can educate him a little on price, you can save some $$ by buying a diamond off the internet.

Good luck and hang in there.

 

[Dee*Jay]

Marta, first of all I feel for you and I totally understand your desire to a beautiful diamond. You hit upon a few interesting things though that rings bells in my own household to some degree. My hubby is also very practical (although perhaps not to the degree that yours might be based on your post) and he doesn''t understand the desire for diamonds specifically but he does understand that they make me happy (the same way that his new 52" plasma TV makes him happy, LOL!). And of course your husband wants you to be happy, so maybe pose it to him that way. "Honey, I know you don''t understand this desire the same way I don''t understand your desire for XYZ, but we each have our own things that make us happy."

Another thing you mention is the $ aspect. In my household my hubby and I both work and I actually have a second job too, the earnings from which are mine to do ANYTHING with. This may not be a practical possiblity for you since it sounds like you have children at home, but you can get $ in other ways. One PSer suggseted that you save a little from the household $ (but be careful with that becuase if you suddenly show up one day with a bunch of $$$ that you saved from the grocery money your hubby might be made that you slighted the household for your own gain). I have another suggestion: What about if on your birthday or Christmas you asked for your husband not to get you any gifts (or just a small symbolic one) and put the $ in a separte account and save up for your own diamond? You might even get your family on board and the $ will add up in no time.

And the idea of a vendor with an upgrade policy is great. That way if you start out even with a smaller diamond than you want you can notch it up over time.

By the way, I notice that you referred to this as an engagement ring. Since you''re already engaged (actually already married for 6 years) you might think of it differently. Maybe an "I earned this myself ring" or something along those lines. That way you can attach all of your own positive connotations to the ring and you won''t have to think if it in terms of something that your hubby did give you or didn''t want you to have.

Just my 2 cents...

 

[laila]

Oh wow, thank you soo much, everyone, for your words of support. It has brightened my day just to know that there are other people who understand where I'm coming from.

To answer a few of the points that were brought up ~

kcoursolle - sigh...no he is not one to spend large of money on himself, except for maybe computers that we both use. He is definitely into electronics, computers, etc, but views those as something for the whole family really. And we have agreed not to go into debt for things like this. Apart from horrendous school loans that we have agreed to pay off slowly over time due to their very low interest rates, we have very little debt i.e. no car or credit card debt. hehehe lol about the bedroom comment

ladykemma - yes, he did just get me a beautiful 1.25 ctw 5 stone anniversary band this year as a Christmas/maternity present. I LOVE this new ring and wear it on my left ring finger now instead of the cz. I do appreciate it greatly. I totally understand where you are coming from - I am certainly not asking for another ring anytime soon. I was thinking a few years down the road at the earliest. The whole ring thing came up as part of another conversation - he actually brought it up because he knows how much time I spend looking at PS. I made it very clear to him the other night that I wasn't asking for or expecting a new e-ring in the near future ~ that it was instead something that I would love down the road (i just hope it's not 20- 30 years from now

) At this point, I would just love for him to agree to spend the money in principle at some point!

Lorelei, dbgaap, catmom, allisonfaye, Bridget S., and Dee Jay ~ thank you so much for all of your supportive posts! Re: how to save the money - you guys brought up some great ideas. We do each get "personal money" each month that we can spend however we want. I have definitely thought of putting away money each month from that into a ring fund for myself; it would be a long slow process, but at least it would be something. I have also brought up the idea to my husband of putting money into a ring fund for birthdays, christmas, etc. but he didn't seem too excited about a ring fund for some reason. I will be going back to work in the future and my earning potential is good if i go back to my previous job - it's probably just several years down the road. Maybe a part-time job would be on the horizon sooner though, although again, I'd probably feel guilty putting that money towards myself rather than family, but I will try to get over that.

I guess a big part of this for me is wanting him to be something that he is not ~ a romantic who *wants* to get me an e-ring I would love instead of me pushing for it years after we're married. A part of me is jealous of the women on here who have guys who spend so much time and effort on their rings.

I feel kind of stupid now for posting my depressive post. I have a wonderful husband (who works his butt off and only wants to take care of his family) and we do have a very comfortable life. I was just depressed at the time about that conversation. I do know that if he never gets this ring for me, I will just save up the money myself from returning to work someday or saving money from gifts I may get from him and others.


I sooo appreciate all of your comments and thank you so much, all of you, for the support and ideas and advice! And for making me feel that I'm not totally materialistic and selfish for wanting this

ETA: pinkflamingo - oops so sorry! Don't know how I missed your post the first time around. Thank you for your support! Yea, it seems like it's really hard to get an e-ring if you didn't get one at the time huh? If we weren't yet married/were just getting engaged right now with DHs current income and our financial situation, I have a sneaky feeling it would be a totally different story and he would spend the money.

 

[ladykemma]

"I guess a big part of this for me is wanting him to be something that he is not ~ a romantic who *wants* to get me an e-ring I would love instead of me pushing for it years after we're married. A part of me is jealous of the women on here who have guys who spend so much time and effort on their rings. "

ahhh, yup. Can't teach a bull to dance.
go buy your own ring, make your own happiness. I call mine the "I earned it" ring.

sooooo, what type of (upgradable) ring did you have in mind? start with 1/4 -1/3 carat.

 

[KristyDarling]

I haven''t read people''s responses so forgive me if I''ve repeated someone.

My dear, PLEASE do not apologize for wanting an e-ring. It is a long-standing, time-honored tradition....for good reason! There is totally nothing wrong with wanting a pretty sparkly of your own. I''m very amazed that you were able to hold out so long without one!!

Pretty much EVERYTHING you said in your first post has come out of my husband''s mouth at one time or another. He simply doesn''t GET the value of jewelry -- why I love it, why it''s beautiful, why I want it, why it makes me happy, how it could possibly be considered "money well spent." We''ve been together 9 years and except for buying my e-ring, he has been very resistant to the whole idea of owning jewelry.

I have had to beg, plead, and justify all the reasons why I want a certain item. He agreed to buying my 3-stone ring, but had refused all other requests that had come before it. I''m so lucky in that he agreed to getting the 3-stone, but there will be nothing new in my future for a long while. Which is fine, that ring was $$$$! And he makes a lot more money than I do so unfortunately I can''t just spend the fruits of his labor without consulting him.

My advice: be gentle and persistent. Emphasize the happiness factor (it''s clear he loves you and wants you to be happy), and tell him that there is no concrete or quantifiable way to explain WHY an e-ring would make you happy, other than it just does.

Tell him that being able to look down at a physical symbol of your union and a reminder of his handsome, sweet self (won''t hurt to throw in a lil'' flattery) would be meaningful to you. And I don''t know if you are religious, but you could have the ring blessed by an officiant, to impart the importance of the ring. (I''m not particularly religious but if I were to get my very first e-ring AFTER my wedding, I''d want it blessed by someone)

If you want a ring right now, you could start out "small," by purchasing a pretty little diamond from a place with a great trade-up policy. That could tide you over for now, giving you more time to work on your husband about a future upgrade. And who knows, maybe by then you''ll be back at work, with dough that you''ve put away for the ring fund.

In my experience, it takes time for a man to wrap his brain around the idea of jewelry. So start small, be gentle and persistent, and take baby steps.

 

[lili]

marta ana,

are you dead set on owning a diamond solitaire?
just a thought here.
if money is an issue, is your hubby opposed to the idea that you trade in your 5 stone for a single stone?
i''m sure the 5 25 point aca cost a good chunk of money and that would give you a decent enough amount for nice solitaire.

hope you get what you dream of.

 

[Julian]

You''re not materialistic or selfish!

You have dreams like every other woman on this planet!

I''m sure your husband is a WONDERFUL person -- just like many other men on the planet. They don''t get it. But over time, when he sees how much it truly means to you, he will come around. Remember, use honey and not vinegar! I''ve found that men are programmed to please women. We just have to let them and help them along from time to time. When they see that it''ll really make us happy, there''s no stopping them from doing all sorts of crazy things to be our heroes.

It''ll be OK! Just use PS to vent and send the sugar his way!

 

[decodelighted]

Just a thought ... but I''m guessing some of the soon-to-be-engaged guys searching out e-rings aren''t doing it for PURELY romantic reasons ... *ahem* PEER PRESSURE *cough*. Sure some fellas are so swept up in passion they just can''t help but search out enormous 5 carat D flawless rocks - even if it means selling their Vintage truck etc.etc.etc. But c''mon ... stick around and you''ll see plenty of gals "advocating" for their rocks of choice, explaining the value of e-rings to their fellas, and brainstorming equivalencies -- ways to get upgrades/resets etc through creative bargaining.

Also - ya never know what goes on behind closed doors BEFORE even the most eager male E-ring hunters log on HERE.

So ... keep the faith, know that the "romantic E-ring seeking male" is a rare breed indeed, and enjoy that five stone band until your $$ stash grows bigger or ya get him hooked on "the sport" of Pscope/e-ring huntin''.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I feel for you! And I definitely don''t think that you are being materialistic in any way, especially since you''ve said that you don''t expect or want a new ring right now. My husband sounds a lot like yours (although I do get lots of Tiffany items- but they''re smaller pieces, nothing big ticket) in that he thinks that diamonds are totally impractical and he doesn''t see the need. I''ve tried the tactic of how my want of diamonds is the same as his want for xyz, but it doesn''t really work b/c he really doesn''t want anything materialistic and he then points out to me that his $300 cake mixer costs way less than a diamond.

My husband also said no upgrades ever, but slowly, very slowly has come around to the idea. We do what many others have suggested, which is each of us has an "allowance" fund. As long as you''re patient, that fund can really add up. To give you an example, I put $186 a month into mine, and in a 3 year span, I''ve been able to buy a yellow sapphire/diamond ring, martini-set studs, an eternity ring from Signed Pieces, and an OEC which I then had a setting made for and an aquamarine set into its old setting. Not too bad, I think! One day I put my studs next to my ering and asked him what he thought of that look. He liked it and said he would be ok if I wanted to three-stone my ering, which then led to eventually I''ll buy a whole new solitaire and make my ering a three stone RHR.

Another suggestion to save money and not even know it is to always put your spare change at the end of the day into a piggy bank. Sure you won''t get rich quickly doing that, but it also adds up into a neat sum every so often. I do that, and I take my change in once my piggy bank gets full and I get about $60-$80 right then and there.

I think in the end, my husband had to get used to the idea and to see that there are much other bigger things to worry about then arguing about diamonds. Good luck!

 

[codex57]

Disclaimer: I''m a guy

Is the real problem the fact that you didn''t get a real diamond e-ring when he proposed? I know you''re just venting, but other than not giving you a diamond e-ring the first time around, it seems like your husband did everything you claim you wish he did. My main problem is that ring you just got. I''m having a little trouble figuring out exactly what''s bothering you. It can''t be only having a CZ ring cuz he just got you a 1.25 ct ring. It can''t be that you wish him to be romantic for once and get you jewelery for a special occasion because, yup, he just got you that 1.25 ct ring. You seem to recognize that there are going to be VERY few guys out there who can afford to get diamond jewelery for their wives every single special occasion so I don''t think you expect a ton of jewelery. I''m a little stumped. Is it just the idea that he shot down your idea of a new e-ring? If so, I wouldn''t worry too much about it. He''s thinking "now". When guys encounter a problem, they try to figure out how to fix it NOW. If you really don''t expect one for a few years, then start that fund and bring it up again in a few years.

However, I''m kinda suspicious of his "the computer is for everyone" argument. Guys like their toys. Why do you guys use the computer? Who uses it the most? How often do you guys get new ones? What are the specs of your current one? If you just use it for e-mail, surfing the web, and the occasional word processing document, you don''t require much. Frankly, computers have gotten way too powerful for those purposes. Depending on how often you guys get new computers, he may be indulging his electronics habit by making the excuse that "it''s for the family."

 

[lizzyd]

...hearts starve as well as bodies; give us bread, but give us roses.

 

[laila]

KristyDarling ~ awww...thank you! It''s nice to hear that others have husbands who have said practically the exact same thing, but still ended up with gorgeous gorgeous rings

. Although I''m not super-religious, I really really like your idea of having the ring blessed! That would be very meaningful I think. Thank you for your advice and suggestions

Julian ~ I liked where you said "I''ve found that men are programmed to please women. We just have to let them and help them along from time to time. When they see that it''ll really make us happy, there''s no stopping them from doing all sorts of crazy things to be our heroes."

See the romantic in me really loves that idea!

deco~ lol I laughed about not all guys being the romantic PSers I imagine them to be! Yes, I imagine that it is very true that the vast majority could care less about diamonds and jewelry.

LoganSapphire~ oooh sounds like you have really had success saving up a bit at a time and getting some really great pieces! lol about the cake mixer

. Thanks also for the tip about the change - we always have tons of change too, so that is another good way to save bits at a time I think

codex57~ codex - thank you for a man''s perspective! When we were about to get engaged, I knew that my DH was going to try to save up to buy me a diamond e-ring. I also knew that, given that we were both in grad school and had literally no income besides school loans, that it would take forever for him to get me what he wanted to get me. I loved him, felt that I didn''t need a diamond right at that moment, and wanted to marry him sooner rather than later, so it was my suggestion to go the CZ route with the understanding that we would upgrade to a diamond e-ring when we could afford it. I was perfectly fine with that. He had said at various times that he was thinking around our 5 year anniversary for the upgrade, but that passed with nothing, and then I found PS one day and really got the bug. So I started to bring up the idea more seriously and once he saw diamond prices, he was floored. Don''t think he realized how expensive they really were.

This was all last fall, and by talking to him I realized that it wasn''t going to happen anytime soon, so my choices were to :

1. start really small from a vendor with a good upgrade policy, but risk that DH would not want to upgrade because I "should" be happy with what I have,
2. wait until we could afford my "dream" ring and just stay with the CZ for another several years, or
3. do something in between i.e. a 5 stone band where I could get more "finger coverage", but lower price because of the small stones, even though total cw was higher.

So Christmas Eve rolls around and he asks me what I want for Christmas, despite the fact that I had been emailing 5 stone ring/eternity band examples for weeks. I was very sad to say the least, but with lots of persuasion that it could double as a maternity gift and that I really really wanted it, he agreed that we could get it. He has since complained about the price several times, but I do know that he likes that I enjoy it so much. However, I don''t view it as an "engagement ring". I consider it a beautiful and generous gift that I will wear on my ring finger until I can someday get the engagement ring that I have long dreamed of. Does that make sense? My sadness from my original post was because I have always thought that my DH was at least in agreement that we would buy me a nice e-ring someday. But from our recent conversation it became clear to me that he doesn''t think that we should spend much money on something like that, even if we *did* have more than enough money saved, and that his priorities are towards "family" items while he views an e-ring as frivolous and a waste of money. His attitude made me think that there will always be an excuse or reason not to buy it and that I was deluding myself that we would make this purchase some day.

lili ~ Thank you for the suggestion! My problem with getting a solitaire that cost what my 5 stone was at the time we bought it (or trading in now), is that I have huge man hands. Literally. My hands were often larger than the guys that I dated when I was younger (and these weren''t tiny guys). Quite embarassing. Anyways, I know it''s a vain thing, but I have always thought that smaller diamonds just totally get lost on me. That is why I thought it would be a better route to get the 5 stone because it would give more finger coverage and I just knew that I would immediately want something bigger if I got a small solitaire. yes, I could have put the money that we put into the 5 stone into a ring fund instead, but for some reason my DH didn''t like the idea of a ring fund at the time. Now I''m wondering if he was just hoping to pacify me with this ring so that he wouldn''t have to spend more on an e-ring later

. So I went with something beautiful that would satisfy me until we could save for my dream ring.

lizzyd~ wow, great quote! Soooo true!

Anyways, again I really really appreciate all of the kind responses and advice! I think I will keep working on DH with the *idea* of an engagement ring for the future and hope that he eventually come around. If not, I will just have to save up the money myself over the years. I am really feeling better with all of your support, so thank you! I hope that I haven''t made DH sound awful. I am really not in need of anything - I have a wonderful family and life - just in "want" of a beautiful sparkly e-ring one of these years

Whew! If anyone is still reading after this book that I have written, SORRY for being so long and drawn out with this!!!

 

[decodelighted]

You know ... I''m starting to think it''s a trust issue. Kind of "bait & switch". You were living all this time with the idea that you''d get an e-ring one day & he changed the rules. Life & its practicalities took over & he expected you to just forget about it.

I might be tempted to say "Listen, I know it''s not *practical* - but I''ve been counting on it for years! I''m CRUSHED that you weren''t really serious about replacing the CZ & wish I''d waited back then if I''m never going to get one now!"

I can see how you''d feel the loss even more now that you''re not wearing the CZ ... instead of Diamond Shrinkage Syndrome .. you have Diamond Disapearance Syndrome!!!

But I also can understand how he might not want to commit to it right now when he''s still feeling the "sting" of the diamond band. It''s too much for his practical head to take in all at once.

Hmmmm. Your frustration is contagious! I''d want a committment too! Maybe you can commit to YOURSELF. YOU WILL HAVE IT. It''s just a matter of when & how & who....

 

[Snooper]

Pretty much everything that was already said sums up what I would have suggested. After reading codex57''s perspective, I immediately thought he had nailed the situation (based on what you had stated). Perhaps your husband is in fact thinking of a solution NOW.

Hang in there. And by no means should you feel bad for feeling this way!!!!

 

[ladykemma]

wow, your description about your hubby's behavior made my stomach hurt. And it made me angry.
depression is anger turned inward.
by the time you're 30-40 you will stop putting up with this sh$t.
smile sweetly, go buy your own ring and make it a big one.

edited to add: do it in personal joy, and ONLY if you can afford it.

 

[ladykemma]

grrr.....

affirmations

I deserve to have nice things
I get my needs met.
I meet my own needs.
I am a wonderful beautiful woman with a wonderful beautiful diamond.
I seek beauty.

 

[Lorelei]

I don''t know how many ladies will agree with me, these are just some thoughts, but Lady K''s post got me thinking....I remember Jada Pinkett saying that " the wife''s e-ring is the core" and I totally got that. Other jewellery doesn''t interest me that much but my diamond ring is everything to me ( where jewellery longings are concerned!) It is my showpiece, my " he loves me!!" piece, my " I DESERVE THIS" piece, my little ball of sparkly joy that makes me feel special and glamorous even in old jeans and covered in muck! It is a very very special thing to me for many reasons and it gives me something priceless - happiness every time I glance at my finger, or to quote a saying of Fire&Ice''s in an old post " I wanted something that would make me smile everytime I looked at my finger." Well said.

So Marta we do truly understand where you are coming from. If you have had the other ring this year, then wait a bit until you can afford it or he wants to get it for you, but don''t give up your dream just because it may not be thought to be practical or useful to the family. You obviously give a great deal to your family, this is something for YOU and not extravagant - if it is important to you then you should make a plan to be able to do it.

I wish you luck!

 

[pinkflamingo]

hey there-

what size are you looking for in a diamond e-ring? just curious! because he must have spent $3500+ on your 5 stone ring- that is a sizeable rock especially if you went to J Si2 or something. you would be approaching a carat.